MadLuv - stress zaps us of so much more than just energy. For me, keeping busy on projects and being creative is how I am hardwired, so I had to find my way back by pushing myself to do things. There were times I just organized my art room to simply push myself to be in the space. It is not easy to pull yourself out of that area of grief and feeling uninspired or drained.
JohnnyBravo - I think I know that "squirrel". It makes the rounds here too.
This week has been one of those weeks where I have had a solid plan that I mapped out for myself to accomplish things and I was doing really well on Monday. Tuesday, others and the universe decided clearly I needed to be challenged with some obstacles. I will admit I am not dealing with any of them particularly well. It is in part because I made myself a promise to be okay with saying "no" and being okay with being what some would deem selfish. And by some, I mean namely myself. I have such a hard time now looking out for my own needs.
This is not necessarily a new problem for me. I have often struggled to find the balance between throwing myself into my work or projects that are not about my own "needs". When Xh and I were together though, I had some relief in that he would pitch in or wouldn't make me feel guilty about needing time to go for a walk or to create. He encouraged it and I did with him. That all changed when FIL moved in and MLC set in. I saw that if I didn't step up, the kids were going to be just twisting in the wind completely if I didn't pick up the slack. The problem is, when Xh left it became much worse. Yes, my kids were older, but just having to run D to PT constantly was a drain. And, don't get me wrong, I am grateful I was able to find jobs to be flexible and I could make these things happen. I am grateful to have had my kids. But, I am freaking worn out.
I had come to the reality that my kids are not needing me in the same way and I was being given time for myself now. That is still true, but maybe I deluded myself a bit into thinking it was somehow going to be seamless. Ha. That is not the case at all. I hadn't factored in life throwing in monkey wrenches and I am angry with myself at the moment for somehow buying into expectations I set up for myself.
Monday, the first day in my well thought out week - that is the type of week that had a logical plan laid out with time built in for myself, while still making time for others started out really well. I had taken care of about 6 items on that have been on my to do list for months. Stupid things like getting rid of a box of electronics that have I had been accumulating to take to the recycling center. I had my list for Monday all accomplished by noon because of my well thought out approach and met my sister afterwards for an impromptu walk. We were able to walk our usual 6.5 miles.
On my way home from my walk, I had stopped to exchange a lawn chair that had a lifetime warranty that has needed exchanged since the pandemic hit. When I went into the store the young man at the counter said that I should bring the other one in as well since they have had problems with the chairs and I could get new ones. I have had them for a long time, so I figured why not. Why this even matters is because I altered my plans for Tuesday and it was going to mean borrowing my F's truck and on Monday it made perfect sense in terms of where I was going to be and the weather was going to be perfect, etc. I was looking forward to getting the chairs to put back out on the back deck so that I could enjoy the lovely weather. And, I told both kids about the plan and I wouldn't be home for dinner. No one complained then.
Tuesday, I also had the rest of the week neatly packaged in my mind. Silly me. And, while I am one who can easily roll with things, the way things unfolded and felt like life was spinning out of control really threw me completely off. The whole day became chaotic and then what should have been good news actually stressed me out and I let it bubble over in that I panicked, which is not like me, but I felt my idea of a weekend to myself slipping away. I tried to corral it and come up with a solution on the fly when it really didn't need to be solved.
I found out that the gallery owner featured some of my work on the website for the upcoming exhibit. That reception is now the day after the other opening. I found myself thinking that I needed to make an appearance at both because professionally it makes sense. But, life is about choices and I seemed to forget that in the moment. Instead, I had myself laying out this insane plan to try and make it all happen. I can do that and have. But it is not what I need right now and that is what I failed to grasp in that time. Instead of coming up with a solution that brought me some sort of comfort and sanity, I felt more stress laying on.
I was on my way out the door to go to exchange the chairs when D called. She is nearing the end of her semester and is technically "graduating" but staying on an extra semester to do research. Because she is staying that extra semester I forget that she is really having that senior stress moment with the final few weeks approaching. She was home and the dog was being a monster with the spring weather. The dog can't help it as she needs attention right now and to be run. But, D's needs were to have quiet to work on a major presentation. I was almost ready to come home and ditch my plans. Something made me stop myself though. I called S and told him he, his GF and C needed to solve the problem for the night. I got some resistance because they had plans and I put my foot down and said I was not going to swoop in and save the night, as it is not my responsibility nor D's. That went over like a ton of bricks, and I felt bad but I told myself I needed to not sacrifice every time and they needed to figure it out. I had to tell myself "not my problem".
When I came home, they had worked it out but S asked if I could make sure I was available Wednesday night to take care of the dog so that they could work on the house. I felt somewhat better since I was asked and agreed I would.
What still was hovering was this issue with that weekend with now 2 openings. I was not loving the solution I had of driving the long distance, staying over and then turning around the next day to be at the other. When I spoke to a friend of mine, I explained to her that I was worried about the professional aspect. She made me step back and asked me a couple of very straight forward questions. One was, if I had to choose one, which one would I go to. That was easy. The one that requires travel. She made me explain why in terms of professionally- and not because I needed to somehow justify it to her. I realize she was trying to get me to see that I knew the answer. I have a rapport with the owner and have an established reputation there. Missing that reception isn't as big of a deal. This other is a new venue and a bigger opportunity.
Then she hit me with what in reality was the more important question when it came down to it. She asked me what I really wanted and needed. I need to get away and I have been looking forward to this for weeks now. If someone goes with me or not was not the original issue. I was planning on going in spite of the pressure from others that I shouldn't go alone.
What probably upset me the most is I had asked someone to go along and I then threw in this insane plan of mine into the mix and tried to get them to buy into it too. LOL. I then rethought it and after the discussion with my friend I realized she was right. She laughed and said I would have come to that same conclusion but she simply pushed it quicker. So, I am going to stick to my original plan and took that entire Friday off to meander up to the event and go from there.
Yesterday morning, I was back on track for the bulk of the day. That is until the afternoon struck and I came home to find D wired and on edge. She had reason to be due to her professor throwing her a last minute curveball. It lead to an argument between she and I. In essence it was about her needing quiet for her project and the dog was being difficult. S was not home but was grouchy. The dog was insane with energy. The phone kept ringing. My M needing me to help her with something. Yup, will be right there to address that. My toxic aunt who D accidentally picked up the phone thinking it was someone else. She handed the phone over to me and I was ready to just scream. Then my sister called me and out of nowhere asks me about what should we do for our parent's 60th wedding anniversary. I bit her head off and said I couldn't deal with that right now and I appreciated her being on top of it, but since it is over 18 months away, could we table that for another night. Furthermore, they aren't going to want a big party and would no doubt like a similar thing to what we did for their 50th, which was easy to plan and took 3 months, not 18.
I finally took the dog out and played with her for 2 hours. Maybe it is what I needed. IDK. It was not necessarily relaxing but it cleared my head some.
I am having a hard time I realized in that I am not entirely sure what being MD really looks like at this stage. That is, when it is okay for me to be selfish and say no to others. I thought it would be easier. Sigh.
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She's My Kind of Rain