Friday's trip is what I needed, even if it was just for a few hours.
It didn't start out on a particularly good note. I was on Facebook messaging a friend when a notice popped up about a friend's M passing away. It was the M of the best man from Xh's and my wedding. I stay in touch with he and his W and have for years. I expressed my sympathies and then realized that Xh probably didn't know, even though he and the best man were best friends for years, and while we don't discuss it, I know that Xh doesn't reach out much to any of his friends from before the MLC madness.
I decided to take the high road and reach out to Xh, especially since it strangely was also the anniversary of his own M's death. I should have realized that there is a huge pot hole on that high road and I failed to avoid it. Yah, I got a snarky response of "oh, I suppose you found that out on Facebook". I chose to not respond beyond "yes". What was the point of going any further than that? So much for me being nice. I was mad at myself but it was my friend who laughed at first and said what did I expect? True. After they laughed at me they said the plus side is that I was true to my own core and I know Xh is still in "crazy" mode.
The artist I travelled with has won many awards over the years, and it wasn't any different Friday night. She took one of the top awards for her work. Yet, one of things I admire about her is she doesn't somehow expect it.
We left after noon and the entire trip we had wonderful conversations and laughed at some of the same things. We have found over the past few years that we have run in the same circles for years, yet somehow never really connected in this manner.
I know she guards her privacy most times and there will never be anyone who will replace her H, whom she clearly just adored. She told me things that I know she doesn't just share with everyone. I realized that some of those stories she shared were meant for just that car ride. And, I spoke of things that so many in my RL don't know about me. And they aren't some deep dark secrets, just things that perhaps not everyone would understand.
I realized at our first stop, that this woman is taking me under her wing. She had work to drop off at a gallery that represents her. She was quick to tell the owner about me and she excused herself and told me to show the owner my work. I wasn't prepared for that and luckily had some photos on my phone. I was told the subject matter would sell very well in that market. My artist friend returned and we were off to get dinner and then went to the reception, where the plan was we would split up and meet up later. I walked around the room and I was overwhelmed. I could feel myself going into shy mode. I watched people, include my friend who just is like a magnet. People come up to her and she works the room, but in a very sincere manner. She is enthusiastic about other's work and has a bit of a following. There are moments I wished I could be that way. Not so much the following, but that comfortable in new groups.
It is funny. Once I find someone I can talk to, the shyness disappears, but I don't just feel that comfort in these types of situations where there are so many people.
It has made me think about my personality in general. My birthday is coming up this coming week and I have never had a need for a big party. Even when I was a kid. I liked small family gatherings or a handful of friends. And, that also extends to things like family reunions or get togethers. I liked the closer knit family events, but even that sometimes was too much for me and had nothing to do with family drama or anything like that. I just don't like large parties and that shy little kid appears even when I know people. It is a bit odd to realize it in such a clear manner.
I was having a nice time, just walking around the gallery when my friend grabbed my arm. I laughed and she was so excited to introduce me to this one and that one. Every time, she would drag me over to my painting with these people. My Xh was my "art rep" - and not because I asked him. He believed in me. This friend clearly believes in me more that I probably do and she is fair with critiques.
On the way home, she talked to me about my painting. She said I have a fearlessness that shows through in my work. Funny, I said to her that a blank canvas doesn't scare me and I attack things like that. What is the worst that can happen is always my motto. But, I can't always bring that same fearlessness in all situations where there are all of these people I don't know. Yet, I can pull it off in how I carry myself in other situations just with body language - this confidence. It is a confidence that sometimes comes off to some as I am unapproachable or that I am really that comfortable in my own skin, when in reality I am looking for an exit or someone I feel comfortable around. Yet, on the flip side, if I do see someone I know, I am so comfortable that I will approach them with ease.
I now have been invited by this artist to go paint with her out in the middle of nowhere. She climbs mountains and just amazes me. I want to be that way when I am in my 80s - not letting age somehow stop me from living life. It is clearly a mindset for her. She told me that part of it is she makes sure she keeps herself active by walking, etc.
We were back home in record time, yet it felt like a week away. I was so recharged. It made yesterday's event even easier to navigate.
It would seem the owner got an earful from my coworker and Ms Management was reminded of some things. When I walked in my coworker was not there yet, but Ms M, was oozing niceness. Yah, that doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I know the drill. It could be very sincere, but one never knows, but I thanked her when she said I looked especially nice yesterday. She then made sure I knew that my coworker and I do a really good job with the exhibits. MMMM. Yah, we do. We work exceptionally well together.
The event was busy and I could see Ms M getting mildly agitated as people came in and sought out my coworker and myself to say hello. Other artists. The woman I hung artwork for in her home, who asked if she could call me to help her more. Sure. Then my artist travel mate came in and brought me some materials she wanted me to try out that she was excited about. I could see Ms M just getting very upset. My coworker was standing with me across the room and had her back to Ms M and her comment made me sort of giggle. She said perhaps if she tried being nice, people would be genuinely happy to see her too. We later admitted how incredibly sad it really was to be that sour about life that you can't figure out that a smile and a genuine hello goes a long way.
My coworker noted that there was one particular event that really set Ms M off kilter a bit. It visibly annoyed her. She has a bit of a thing for the owner's S. But he doesn't speak to her beyond hello. The owner was there and I had asked her how her S was a few days prior. He comes in on and off to help her out. He is always pleasant, but he seemed to have this weight on him and not himself the past few times I encountered him. It wasn't some deep, prying question. Just a noted the lack of smile on his face. And it is not that he and I are good friends or anything like that. I just know he has a couple of kids that are my kids' age, etc. But he and I always at least speak to one another. He knows I look out for his M and I know he takes really good care of her. I saw him come in the door and just waved to him from across the room as I often do. There was nothing odd about the exchange but my coworker said Ms M clearly has some other idea in her head. She relaxed when he went to greet his M, but he didn't linger there and he made his way across the crowd to speak to me. Thing is, I happen to know that even that it is his M's gallery, and he knows a lot of the people there, he is not one to like big crowds either. His M had her usual entourage around her. I gathered he is still dealing with some things in his personal life that made him just want to find someone who wouldn't ask him questions he didn't want to answer. It was nothing more than that. But, I am sure by the end of the afternoon Ms M has it in her head he and I were off to have dinner together or exchanged numbers.
The event yesterday was fun, and I got through the other nonsense. I think Friday helped, TBH. And, part of it is that I know this week is back to some semblance of "normal" and I will have some distance between Ms M and myself.
D has opted to not graduate this year and going to go through the graduation next May. She is staying on for at least another semester and taking upper level courses that will transfer towards a Masters degree in her field, since she still has scholarship monies that can be applied at this college. I am glad she is delaying for a variety of reasons, as she was really pushing herself too much and I worried she would burn out. When she found out next May was an option for going through the ceremony, her stress level went way down. I wasn't really sure why she was so wired about it, because it was more than the typical "senior end of the semester stretch". It turns out Xh suddenly is sort of reaching out. Not a lot, but some. Enough that it has added a whole other layer to D's stress. Sigh.
I am not going to worry about the Xh factor. It is just another layer and explains some of D's outbursts the past few weeks. I keep hoping it isn't gaslighting, but based on the Friday exchange, I hold little hope that this is some miraculous reconnection.
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She's My Kind of Rain