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Author Topic: My Story And to each his own….

M
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My Story And to each his own….
OP: February 07, 2022, 04:28:23 AM

Link to last thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11864.150

So, what a time to start a new thread. My XH took his OW and her daughters to Disneyland this past week and weekend. She posted all over social media as it was one of the daughters birthday. People posted that is what a father looks like. Congratulations to your beautiful family.  So, this is our life now. My kids weren’t there? My grandson wasn’t there? It made me sick for 10 minutes, but surprisingly I am ok.

He looks like a fool. He is destroying his family. Hurting his kids. This is all him. He can own it. He comes to town for work this week. Not sure how my son will greet him, but I dont think it will be great. My daughter will be fine with him. She will use this as an opportunity to make him feel guilty to do something else for her.

It’s sad. It’s sad that this is what my kids will have to settle in their heads and find a new way to love him. For me I am sad for them, but with NC I am getting more and more removed from this man that I once knew who is no one I know now. They say the crisis gets worse and that is no lie!!
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« Last Edit: February 07, 2022, 04:37:38 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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And to each his own….
#1: February 07, 2022, 05:33:45 AM
It really is hard to image the utter nerve of these OW's . I just do not understand how they broadcast such a mess and involve kids in it. The chances of this lasting forever is next to zero . Very little forethought in my opinion. But I guess it all depends on the dribble these MLCer's are telling them. I guess he is divorced and free so whats to feel bad about ?  Just such a mess. I wonder if OW's notice that these men are unstable and a whole pile of mess.  In my case there was no posting on facebook, it was top-notch secret . I never knew he was actually having an affair until about 2 weeks before he begged to come home. So for 2 weeks I knew there was another women and for 1/2 of that I felt nothing. I think I was emotionally in shock and honest to god could not feel a thing. I had zero time to digest anything or "work thru it".  Its rather funny that when I figured it out I confronted him and with in a very short span of time he got rid of her.  She could never have posted anything on facebook as she was a family member . Imagine?  I have not spoken to some members of our family for years and never ever intend to. Some of them knew and never told me. The betrayal was so deep from so many.  All in all his affair lasted 9 months.  She ( his OW) is the most disgusting of them all in my opinion. She obviouly knew he was completely married , chatted and asked my girls questions while sleeping with their father, was in my home and had known my girls since they were babies. Something so seriously wrong with this kind of human. 
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

M
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And to each his own….
#2: February 07, 2022, 06:12:40 AM
You’re right Barbie. He is divorced and technically he and she can do as they please, but we have not been divorced a year yet and we had no separation. Just Im leaving and a divorce in 90 days. This whole situation proves the MLC crisis. The man I knew would never allow his family to not recoup from this. It’s insensitive to tell your kids at the end of October your dating someone, moving then in and now taking her kids ( who he is treating as his own at this point) on vacations your kids and grandson aren't getting. My kids have not been to Disneyland. As far as OW she knows he is not right. He has told her he fights depression, but she thinks its due to work. Also, he has ED that needs surgery. She is taking him for a ride and she will never leave him. I’m sure marriage is soon to come.

Barbie- this woman working at the same company as our whole family has been devastating and embarrassing  enough. I can not imagine it being family. That is just the utmost betrayal. I told both my kids about the vacation as people from their work were commenting. I asked my son if he would rather not know going forward. He said, ideally not. I can only take care of me and I have enough to deal with. I told both my kids I would not share anymore if I am told and will allow them to find out on their own.

I have asked both my kids if they would like to go to therapy. I told them I am not sure how to handle the situation and I just want to do whats best for them. My daughter said it’s fine. He is under no obligation to take me on vacations and if that is who he wants to spend his time with then oh well.  I do feel the OW could have posted privately to her friends. She did it publicly for a reason and that shows a disregard for my XH family. Also, she has been to dinner with my daughter 2 times and has never requested her as a friend on FB, so how hard is she trying to integrate his kids into her life?

I just hope he wakes up from this before his kids have so much resentment they cant move past it. For so long I was in shock that this is what has become of our family’s life and now I am just amazed he is this messed up. You could have bet me a million dollars and I would never have taken then bet he could do all this. I think none of us would have taken the bet. It’s pure insanity
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« Last Edit: February 07, 2022, 06:55:35 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

J
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And to each his own….
#3: February 07, 2022, 09:28:26 AM
Nothing to add here, but this is just horrific. Regarding the OWs, it's just sad to know that there are people like that out there. (And yet they are, in various guises and situations beyond just relationships.) Hugs to both Torn and Barbie.
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M
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And to each his own….
#4: February 07, 2022, 11:31:43 AM
Thank you JB

Posting part of a Q&A from HB as this really rang true to me. If you have or had an MLCer that was always kind that doesn’t mean they are kind. Nothing about what they did was kind. I had to really look at what he was saying what he was doing to grasp it and it took a while. You want so badly to see there is love there. Not to say there isn’t. It could very well be buried deep below, but when they leave, have a OW, but are still kind it is still manipulative


Part of HB answer on a Q&A
Hon, he’s walking on you every chance he gets, just because he can…only you can stop that in him by changing the way you’re doing things.

He might decide to simply go on, if you choose to set limits on when he can see you, but that’s a chance you take. If you look at the past pattern, each time, he’s done this, he’s escalated his behaviors. Each time, you didn’t meet him with any boundaries…and boundaries don’t mean constant confrontation. Look those up, begin understanding what they mean, and begin putting some in place to stop some of his “using” of you, because he is using you for what he wants.

He has to begin to understand that if he doesn’t straighten up, he could lose you forever, and love doesn’t mean allowing someone to treat you disrespectfully, cloaked in sweetness and light.

You don’t have to tell him anything–all you would have to do is SHOW him, as he would find it harder and harder to find you when he wants you.

You would need to learn to begin living a life of your own, AS IF he wouldn’t be returning. In that process, you would begin leaving HIM behind, and I suspect he doesn’t want you to do that, but on the other hand, if nothing changes on your part, he will continue doing whatever he wants, when he wants, and he may never be forced to grow up, and realize what he’s losing in you.

When one doesn’t like a situation, one takes steps to change it, letting go of the outcome in that process.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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And to each his own….
#5: February 07, 2022, 01:50:13 PM
Quote
Hon, he’s walking on you every chance he gets, just because he can…only you can stop that in him by changing the way you’re doing things.
.

Absolutely. Only YOU can stop that in him by "changing the way YOU do things".   I might become very unpopular in the next few sentences but here goes. I have seen many LBS over the years act victim-ish because they have these "clingers" .  I have never ever clearly understood that ..at all.  Once a MLCer leaves the home and is off to LaLa land with his fantasy fling , then the LBS is fully and totally in control of the contact she will or will not allow.  Every bit of it ...if she has no boundaries and allows him to come and go as he pleases...he will.  If she allows him to chit- chat about his OW over a cup of tea...then he will.  If she allows him disrespect boundaries with minor children...then he will.  If she remains intimate sexually with him ( despite having an OW ) ..the he will.  Clingers are made by the LBS.  She is allowing it. I understand a million times over how hard it is for many to not do any of that ...I get it .  But clingers are made possible by the LBS not having boundaries , not being sure what to do, being traumatized and being afraid she will "loose him forever, or believing that she should somehow compete with the OW.  If the LBS allows herself to be "used" ...then she will have self made clinger .

Quote
You would need to learn to begin living a life of your own, AS IF he wouldn’t be returning. In that process, you would begin leaving HIM behind, and I suspect he doesn’t want you to do that, but on the other hand, if nothing changes on your part, he will continue doing whatever he wants, when he wants, and he may never be forced to grow up, and realize what he’s losing in yo
.

I could NEVER have had a conversation with my H about his little OW fling. Not in 5 million years. I just could not...and should not . How disrespectful is that ?  I am not and never intend to be his "friend".  I am only talking about ME and my perceptions, feelings and actions at the time.... . I did not have to "work at it" , I did not want to see him even for a second.  The anxiety I experienced when or if I HAD to see him was so severe, so debilitating , I could not tolerate it. I thought I was dying.  So I avoided any and all contact because I physically and mentally could not take it. I understand it is different for others. I was never able to be "light and breezy" and never would have been able to master that.  I told him to NEVER come back and all other blasts of hatred . Right or wrong, that was my reaction. And I did suffer as a result. I was afraid at times he may never ever come back and why can't I be that lovely "light and breezy" LBS.  I couldn't not even with private lessons and practise.




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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

M
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  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1336
  • Gender: Female
And to each his own….
#6: February 07, 2022, 02:34:51 PM
Oh Barbie yes!!!! I was like that at first. Doing the quick divorce. My thought’s  were you want out then by!!! A few months later with suicide threats I definitely was trauma bonded. I saw him seldom. We had text contact and phone contact, but we also had months of after divorce things to resolve.  I am no contact now. 47 days no text or calls. I had to email 2 days ago to ask for my mortgage documents for my taxes because the mail forwarded it to him. Let me tell you. I was disturbed I had to send the email and break even that contact. I have not seen him in 4 months.

NC really helps so much, but the OW posting of trips and not thinking of his children really messed me up today. XH is not on social media at all, so that has been just a blessing, but she posting and then everyone congratulating her on this new great father. It’s disturbing. I can not believe this is where we are. I can not believe he has so little respect for myself after 32 years and his own children and grandson. I just have to keep telling myself , calm down moma bear he doesn’t know what he is doing. Well he does, but he is escaping his pain at all costs and following what ever she tells him to do. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!!!!

As a wise Barbie once said “ Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you !!!”
I have shut it down!!
 Tomorrow is a new day. I just hope he crashes soon, but I am starting to think the crash may never come.
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« Last Edit: February 07, 2022, 03:10:08 PM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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  • Gender: Female
And to each his own….
#7: February 08, 2022, 03:42:37 AM
This IMO is one of the best written articles on MLC. Although written using Men it applies  to the man and woman MLCer. This is from whatismidlifecrisis blogspot


#1: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS WILL OFTEN VIEW THEIR LEFT-BEHIND SPOUSE AND THEMSELVES AS ONE PERSON

The man in midlife crisis’ lack of boundaries comes from not viewing his spouse as separate from himself. He is so engulfed in negativity that he does not think clearly. As the man in midlife crisis looks to his loved ones to define and deliver his happiness, he eventually feels betrayed, because happiness must come from inside oneself, not from others. This feeling of betrayal may cause some of the anger we see in our men in midlife crisis.

#2: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE UNABLE TO SUSTAIN AND MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL AS RESOLVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

Because of his irrational ways of thinking, mainly due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, the man in midlife crisis will hear/interpret WHAT HE THINKS others are saying rather than hearing what really is being said. He destroys relationships by hearing blame rather than suggestions or means to problem-solve.

#3: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS HAVE DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES.

We are overly dependent on others when we do not feel complete or whole. This is the very essence of a man in midlife crisis. As he continues through the tunnel, the man in midlife crisis gets much worse before he gets better. The left-behind spouse is often forced into a caregiver role, trying desperately to fix the crisis. The man in midlife crisis becomes aware of his neediness and becomes jealous/envious of his loved ones’ strengths and efforts to help, and responds with more anger.

#4: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE UNABLE TO SHOW EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

The man in midlife crisis is unable to stand the emotional pain he is creating. He becomes distant and indifferent to his loved ones. He views the left-behind spouse as the cause of his suffering and therefore treats her as the enemy.

#5: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE EXTREME ATTENTION SEEKERS

Attention, both positive and negative, can confirm love and self-worth to the mid-lifer. To some men in midlife crisis, negative attention becomes better than no attention. Many have experienced "no attention" periods in their childhoods. Many men in midlife crisis use drama, sinfulness and confusion in an effort to get love. This then ensures the mid-lifer of keeping the left-behind spouse close.

#6: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE SELF-CENTERED

It is all about him. As he becomes more absorbed in finding himself, everyone else in his past life gradually becomes more and more obsolete. Most find their way back to what is really important - family and commitment. Unfortunately, they leave a heavy path of destruction that has to be faced.

#7: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE UNABLE TO TRUST

How can the man in midlife crisis trust his left-behind spouse if he cannot trust himself? His emotions and thought processes are unpredictable and irrational. When he cannot trust, he often acts out in angry outbursts and infidelity. He is searching for someone to see him as a perfect hero.

#8: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE UNABLE TO HANDLE STRESS

As the man in midlife crisis progresses through the tunnel, he becomes more and more unable to handle stress. His life is now full of lies, deceptions, betrayals and manipulations. It becomes harder and harder to maintain his superficial world. When he is reminded of his inabilities and flaws, he reacts by getting angry, blaming, spewing, etc...

He will do anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. If you doubt this, try having a  "relationship talk." You will no doubt be disappointed in the outcome. Until he is ready to repent and show remorse for his behavior, relationship talks are useless.

#9: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS REWRITE HISTORY

The man in midlife crisis typically has very low self-esteem. He will rewrite past events in his favor to try to build up his fragile ego. He would rather lie than face the possibility that something is wrong with him, let alone a mental illness. His brain chemistry is skewed, not allowing him to distinguish between reality and distorted perceptions. However, the distortions cannot go on forever. ... As time goes on, he often gets caught in his lies because he cannot keep his stories straight.

#10: MOST MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS HAVE AFFAIRS

The most painful and devastating part of the midlife crisis for the left-behind spouse, children and family is the affair or series of affairs. Emotional affairs as well as physical affairs occur, and most emotional affairs turn into physical affairs for the mid-lifer. Some of the affairs produce a "love child.” Some result in the mid-lifer marrying the other woman. Even though the mid-lifer is not thinking clearly, there is no justification or excuse for committing adultery. This is by no means meant to excuse his behavior. It is unacceptable. Forgiveness depends upon the abandoned spouse and the mid-lifer’s ability to repent and show sincere remorse.

An affair allows the mid-lifer a distraction from the pain resulting from one or more of the following issues: childhood abandonment/abuse, grief, aging, health, job loss or dissatisfaction, parenting, sexual dysfunction or financial difficulties. The man in midlife crisis feels if he starts over with someone else, all his issues will go away. Little does he realize how much he has just complicated his life, not to mention all the pain he will inflict on "loved ones" and friends. He is self-absorbed and only cares about trying to obtain his own happiness.

The other woman knows little or nothing of his history or flaws. The mid-lifer feeds the other woman rewritten history about his spouse. She starts the relationship by idealizing the mid-lifer. The mid-lifer can portray himself as heroic, perfect and accomplished. Both individuals are living a fantasy. Each believes they have found their soul mate. A new relationship and sex partner is empowering. Morality is no longer important. Lust equals love in the MLC mind.

The other woman is an extremely flawed individual. She has many issues as well, some identical to the mid-lifer’s, which helps create the connection so many men in midlife crisis claim they are missing with their left-behind spouse. The man in midlife crisis chooses someone who is safe. He chooses someone who will not outshine him or pose a threat. The other woman is usually a very insecure, fragile individual who needs to be taken care of in some way, shape or form. In many cases, the mid-lifer tries to create in the other woman a version of spouse he abandoned. Some encourage her to dress and act like the left-behind spouse. They will often take them to the same places as they did the left-behind spouse. Being of weak character and integrity, the other woman allows this and goes along for the ride. Many are in it for the financial and social status benefits that the mid-lifer brings to the table. The mid-lifer is usually not looking to find someone better than his spouse. He wants to find someone that he can feel superior to, which will help nurture his bruised ego.

Eventually, chemical imbalances, stress, and doses of reality hit the mid-lifer, causing him to display his true self. Fears resurface in the mid-lifer, materializing as anger and hostility. The other woman no longer reflects back to the mid-lifer intense feelings of admiration and perfection. Sex becomes routine. Many experience sexual dysfunction during the MLC, but very much want to portray themselves as sexually potent individuals. Responsibilities increase for the mid-lifer, especially if he is maintaining two households. His world collapses very slowly, almost to the point of being hard to detect for the left-behind spouse. The mid-lifer has come full circle. He is now at the same place he started. What the mid-lifer does at this point varies. Some go home after they realize the grass is not greener on the other side, others stay in this miserable state of self-pity and despair, and others just repeat the cycle and find another other woman.

#11: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE CONTROL FREAKS

The man in midlife crisis has no control over his behavior and actions. He feels if he can control others as well as his environment, he will eventually become whole again. This of course is not true. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect. The more controlling one is with others, the more we push him away.

How does the mid-lifer control others? By being verbally/physically abusive, manipulating, complaining, criticizing, blaming, saying things like "I want a divorce,” "I don’t love you,” having an affair, threatening to take your children away, threatening your living arrangements, threatening your financial status, losing his job, threatening suicide, etc.

How does the mid-lifer control his environment? Moving constantly, traveling more than usual, changing jobs, changing what he eats/how he dresses/his overall appearance/what he drives, changing his friends, replacing his spouse, replacing his children, etc.

It is only when the mid-lifer realizes that he is not in ultimate control of others or things that a breakthrough can occur. That is why setting boundaries is important. It makes the mid-lifer realize his limitations and lack of control. Boundaries should be set in a firm but loving way. The man in midlife crisis is more willing to respond to the left-behind spouse’s requests when this is done in a non-authoritative way.

#12: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS HAVE EXTREME ANGER/RAGING/SPEWING

Mid-life crisis is a form of depression. Depression is anger turned inward. Unfortunately, anger is a large part of the MLC journey. Anger is the path of least resistance. It is easier for the mid-lifer to be angry than to deal with his issues. Until that pain is acknowledged and experienced, it continues to trigger anger and depression.

Beneath anger lies pain, and beneath that pain lies fear. If we remember this, we are more likely to become more sympathetic to the man in his midlife crisis journey. Unfortunately at times, it is very difficult to do. The bulk of his anger is directed at the left-behind spouse. The man in midlife crisis very much wants to alter his spouse’s perceptions to match his own.

#13: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE INDIFFERENT

Indifferent is defined as "without interest or concern, not caring, disinterested, impartial and apathetic.” Nothing is harder to live with than an indifferent person. The man in midlife crisis is indifferent primarily toward his past life. He is no longer interested in what his spouse, children, relatives, dog, cat, best friend or church group are doing. He could care less about the lawn being cut, the dishes being done or the bills being paid. His past life no longer exists. He becomes an "alien" to the people who love him. There are many reasons why this happens. The man in midlife crisis is self-absorbed and doesn’t want to focus on anyone but himself. The man in midlife crisis no longer wants any responsibility in his life and just wants to have fun and freedom. People and things of the past remind the mid-lifer of his failures. What better way to not have to deal with his pain then to pretend people and things don't exist anymore?

This indifference creates a whole new set of problems for the left-behind spouse. She now has the responsibilities of two people. The left-behind spouse becomes overworked and overwhelmed, not to mention emotionally devastated. Many times she becomes financially devastated as well. The mid-lifer does not seem to notice the turmoil he has caused his spouse and is again indifferent.

#14: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS CAN BE NARCISSISTIC

The mid-lifer is full of low self-worth. By focusing on his appearance, his possessions, and his needs, he tries to project an air of importance and perfection. He seeks attention by focusing on superficial things and soon discovers that these things bring only fleeting moments of happiness. No matter how many times you remind the mid-lifer that happiness comes from within, he tries to prove you wrong by buying the next item or enhancing another body part. Everything is about the mid-lifer. Everybody else's needs don't exist.

#15: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS MAKE POOR DECISIONS

The man in midlife crisis bases his decisions on emotions as well as faulty perceptions due to chemical imbalances in the brain. This prevents him from functioning properly in important areas of his life like the workplace and home. As he makes his way through the midlife tunnel, he makes more and more poor decisions, eventually causing him to doubt his abilities. This is just another hit on his already low self-esteem.

This is where the role of the other woman comes into play. The man in midlife crisis often will give up some of his decision-making power at this point and depend on his "soul mate" to intervene. The other woman may or may not have clearer thinking at this time, but you can bet her thinking will be in HER favor. The mid-lifer is much easier to convince, manipulate and persuade than ever. Since this is not a relationship based on trust and love, each player in this dysfunctional relationship is out for himself/herself.  The man in midlife crisis also will often choose not to make any decisions due to his confusion.

#16: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE POOR MONEY MANAGERS

The man in midlife crisis has no control over what he does with his money. He tends to be very impulsive and often spends like crazy and makes bad investments. He also uses his money to satisfy and impress the other woman in his life as well as newfound friends. Traveling seems to increase. Credit cards are often used to their limit and he has no awareness of the consequences of his debt. His past financial responsibilities, such as bills and supporting his left-behind spouse and children, are put on hold. This is no longer important to him and he seems oblivious to how he affects others. It is important that the left-behind spouse protects herself financially at this time, and sometimes that means resorting to legal assistance to prevent involvement with collection agencies and bankruptcy. Spending serves as a distraction as well as a feeling of power and control to the mid-lifer. Money makes him feel immortal and special. This feeling slowly dissipates as he faces his pain and debt.

#17: MOST MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE ABUSIVE

Emotional abuse is is more prevalent than physical abuse during the MLC journey and can be divided into various categories:

A. Withholding: By withholding love, affection, accolades, sex, children, communication, etc., the mid-lifer is saying, “I have something you want and I can withhold it from you.” The mid-lifer can take this even a step further by withholding love and affection from you and then giving it to someone else.

B. Discounting: By discounting the left-behind spouse's perceptions, the mid-lifer is saying, “I can point out your uselessness.”

C. Accusing and blaming: By blaming the left-behind spouse, the mid-lifer is saying his spouse is to blame for his pain regardless of what he does to you, so he doesn’t have to stop or be accountable.

D. Judging and criticizing: By judging the left-behind spouse, the mid-lifer is saying to his wife, “When I tell you that something is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you.”

E. Threatening: This a way for the mid-lifer to have control over his spouse, to imply that he will take away something valuable to them, such as family life, financial stability, home, etc.

F. Name Calling: By calling names, the mid-lifer is saying to his wife that she is worthless and doesn’t exist.

G. Denial: By denying what he is doing to you, the mid-lifer can keep everything like it is and not take any responsibility for his behavior.

H. Abusive anger: By being extremely angry and raging, the mid-lifer is saying, “As long as I am scary, I can have my way.”

The most common element of the categories of abuse is control. The mid-lifer avoids his feelings of insecurity and powerlessness by controlling his wife. If the mid-lifer does not have anyone to have power over, he doesn’t have any power. He often connects with someone who is easier to control and who won't resist his need to dominate. It is in debate if a mid-lifer behaves this way intentionally. I think it can vary with the mid-lifer. Some do not seem to have awareness that they are hurting others. Most men in midlife crisis seem to be totally out of character and are labeled "aliens" by their Standers (waiting spouses). The thing that is very confusing to the Stander is that often men in midlife crisis can control these behaviors in front of others, but seem to let loose when alone with the Stander.

#18: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS MAY ABUSE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS

Another escape from reality is the use/abuse of alcohol and drugs. Those who never used on a regular basis may start experimenting with various substances. Those who routinely used may increase their usage of alcohol or drugs or both. Substance abuse may deepen MLC depression, causing more pain and problems. Misery loves company, and many times the mid-lifer will choose to associate with people who also resort to alcohol and drug abuse.

#19: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS CAN EXPERIENCE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

Hormonal changes cause the physical symptoms of menopause in women (irregular periods, decreased fertility, etc.). Hormonal changes cause the physical symptoms of andropause in men (decreased bone density, hair loss, etc.). Hormonal changes in both men and women can cause emotional problems such as depression.

Men can go through what is called andropause, or male menopause. Andropause is characterized by a loss of testosterone. This affects some men more than others. Both males and females experience similar symptoms during this time: irritability, loss of libido in women and erection problems in men, sleep disturbances, mood swings and depression. MLC involves hormonal, psychological, interpersonal, social, sexual and spiritual components.

#20: SOME MID-LIFERS EXHIBIT JEALOUSY

Men in midlife crisis exhibit jealousy as a method of control. Many have fears of abandonment and loss. The man in midlife crisis shows jealousy because of his feelings of emptiness. Deep down he is terrified of losing his loved ones but feels it may be inevitable. The man in midlife crisis senses that he will no longer feel needy if he can only control his spouse.

#21: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE FULL OF SELF-PITY

The man in midlife crisis hates himself. He may or may not show this to his wife, but that is what is brewing underneath all his horrible behavior. Often, childhood issues come to the surface and feelings of rejection and abandonment prevail. Because of his self-hate and low self esteem, he has difficulty accepting that his wife cares for him. Some men in midlife crisis will express this by statements such as, "You cannot love me like I need to be loved,” "Why don't you date other people,” "The kids would be better off with a different father,” “Why don’t you hate me,” etc..... He is so involved with his pity party that nothing else matters to him.

#22: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS DON'T WANT ANY RESPONSIBILITY

Before his crisis, the man in midlife crisis was a very responsible, productive member of his home and work environment. Not anymore. Life is a party and he wants to have fun. Many men in midlife crisis lose their jobs, stop working around the house, ignore their children, don't pay their bills, spend foolishly, the list goes on and on. He actually feels that this is the time for him to get everything HE wants out of life and other people need to take care of their own responsibilities. Chemical imbalances cause him to lose focus and control of himself. The left-behind spouse is forced to take on all his responsibilities as well as her own. This is usually not acknowledged by the mid-lifer or appreciated. In fact, he will use this as an opportunity to criticize or cut down his spouse's way of handling things. This gives him the opportunity to disconnect even more from his wife and family. It is only when his world starts falling apart that he realizes how irresponsible he has been in his work and home environments. Guilty feelings will then set in and eventually be processed by the mid-lifer in later stages.

#23: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO CRITICISM

The man in midlife crisis has an intense need to be respected and admired. He is overly sensitive to any suggestions, comments, helpful remarks and criticisms. Any comments even remotely critical are perceived as attacks on his already low self-esteem. The man in midlife crisis will take these "perceived attacks" and deflect them by finding fault in his spouse. Usually these acts of finding fault are either non-existent or exaggerated remarks or incidents.

#24: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS USE PROJECTION AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one's own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and actions to others. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.

#25: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS CREATE CONFLICT/ARGUMENTS WITH LOVED ONES

The man in midlife crisis creates conflict/arguments with his wife in order to have her respond in a negative way. When the wife responds in a negative way, i.e. anger, crying, panic, criticism, rejection, etc., this enables the mid-lifer to attach blame to wife's normal defensive reactions. This also enables the mid-lifer to justify his horrible behavior to himself and others. For example, my ex started an argument with me one day on the way back from the grocery store. He said I should have been spending time with him alone instead of shopping for food for the kids. I told him how silly he was behaving and became angry. By the time we got home, he was so upset at my "insensitivity to his needs" that he left the house for that day and spent his time with the other woman. Not only was this a way for him to make me look bad, but it was also a way for him to justify being with his "soulmate".

#26: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE IN DENIAL

Along with projection, denial is another major defense mechanism that mid-lifers use. Denial is the psychological process by which human beings protect themselves from things which threaten them by blocking knowledge of those things from their awareness. It is a defense that distorts reality; it keeps us from feeling the pain and uncomfortable truth about things we do not want to face. If we cannot feel or see the consequences of our actions, then everything is fine and we can continue to live without making any changes.

When the man in midlife crisis is feeling bad, he will often associate these painful feelings with his wife instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. Getting rid of his wife seems to be the only way to escape. Denial can become increasingly worse as the mid-lifer continues on his journey. His list of bad behavior and deeds becomes so long that there is no better place to be than the world of denial. The mid-lifer becomes unrecognizable to his loved ones until various circumstances force him to examine the hell he has created. These circumstances may involve excessive debt, unwanted pregnancy, loss of job, fractured family, divorce, drug and alcohol abuse, loss of friends, homelessness, etc.

#27: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS BECOME VERY COMPETITIVE WITH LOVED ONES

When a man is in midlife crisis, his wife becomes the enemy. The man in midlife crisis is constantly comparing his loved ones to himself. Many times he falls short, and this leads to further insecurity and self-doubt. During his journey, he is out to prove that he is important and admired and becomes very competitive. He will withhold compliments toward family members at this time. He begins to bring people into his life that will make him feel good about himself. Usually this means choosing people who are less accomplished and lower in character in order to make him feel better about himself.

#28: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS HAVE MAJOR MOOD SWINGS

Family members who witness this depression sign often feel like they are going insane. The frequency of the mood swings with mid-lifers varies. Some experience rapid cycling, others much slower. Loved ones describe their mid-lifers as having Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personalities. They begin to feel like they are walking on eggshells. The littlest thing can set the mid-lifer into a rage or period of depression. Some family members may feel their mid-lifer is on drugs. These mood swings may or may not affect the work environment. Some mid-lifers are better at controlling what they let others see. This can leave the left-behind spouse feeling responsible for the mood swings and her world may begin to fill with self-doubt.

#29: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE MANIPULATIVE

People become manipulative when they are afraid of losing something of value to them. This can range from fear of losing an actual person or losing a perception that someone has of them. The mid-lifer manipulates loved ones into believing his reality, which at times can be very distorted due to chemical imbalances in the brain, guilt, shame, denial, self-centeredness, etc. He may twist words around, create confusion, drama, rewrite history, lie. Unfortunately the mid-lifer’s use of manipulation usually ends up pushing people away from him.

#30: MEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS HAVE WITHDRAWING/ABANDONING BEHAVIORS

Another very painful characteristic of the midlife journey is when he abandons/withdraws from loved ones. This varies with each mid-lifer and changes with each stage. It can range from emotionally withdrawing to physically abandoning his entire family. Many are simply just imitating a part of their childhood when they experienced some form of abandonment or abuse. Many use it as a form of control and power. To some, it is easier to run than face their demons, so they hide to get away from things and people that remind them of their pain or failures. Regardless of the reason, these behaviors leave loved ones shocked and confused. The mid-lifer is oblivious to the pain and suffering he is causing. Many left-behind spouses lose homes, self-esteem and/or children due to the abandonment.
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« Last Edit: February 08, 2022, 03:45:36 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

K
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And to each his own….
#8: February 08, 2022, 06:01:25 AM
very interesting- good read. I can honestly say 90% of those I've seen my xh display. I almost spit out my coffee laughing reading #8 can not handle stress or relationship talks. The last time my xh was here, dropped off our D. He was only in the house for 2 min. Our dogs were freaking out - wanting all the attention. I jokingly asked if he wanted to take one of our three dogs (used to be his 'babies') since we never really discussed that in the divorce settlement. He looked at me with a blank stare and just walked to the door. D and I were like "what? Are you leaving?". And it's not the first time- early on after BD when I was completely blindsided- I noticed he never had any answers. He would quickly end the call or never answer the text. Avoidance for sure.

And #23- sensitive to criticism. He currently has a fully furnished four bedroom rental house. It has this hideous 7 foot tiki bar in the living room right when you walk in next to a pool table and shuffle board table. Super early on I made a joking comment about the tiki bar being tacky to one of our Ds and he overheard. He completely lost it. Got mad and walked out. Didn't even say good bye to the girls- just got in his car and drove back to CO. It was insane. Like the world's biggest temper tantrum over something that's not even his - it's part of the rental. smh.

Anyway- nice to have this list and comforting in a way to know that my xh is very much in MLC. Comforting because the more I see articles like this - the more I see my xh. And it reinforces the notion that this has nothing to do with me. One of the hardest things to get over is the self doubt and decimated self esteem they leave us with.

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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

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And to each his own….
#9: February 08, 2022, 06:42:21 AM
Kelly, right? Hahaha last time I saw my XH he monstered me. It was freaky scary. He never raised his voice in our lifetime together or got mad at me. Mad at others, road rage? Sure. Never me.
My XH also has a pool table in his family room and multiple stand up and sit down arcades. Most everything listed I could relate to and that is comforting. Makes you a little less crazy and affirming it really is them and their crisis!!
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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And to each his own….
#10: February 08, 2022, 03:25:08 PM
So my 1098 for my mortgages got forwarded to my XH die to his USPS forward mail. Since his name was on the old mortgage first. I had to email him to ask for it. No reply. Forwarded again and asked..no reply. So I call the mortgage company who did not want to give it to me, because he was the “primary” person on the account. That really frustrated me. We were equal owners of the mortgage but because the man is listed first he is the only one that could have the information??? Well, after 2 hours I got them to give it to me.

I email back my XH and said, no worried. I got it. No need to send. 45 minutes later he scans and sends it over. Ughhh. I feel he was pushing my buttons, but that’s ok. Just ignored it. Then NFL ticket renewal came today. Great!! Now I have to contact him again as his card exp was past. Emailed that…he did send that over right away. Whewwwww. Then RMH emailed on serving lunch for families  of sick children on our daughters anniversary of her death next month.
Again, now for the 3rd time I have to email him on if he is participating or will we cater and he pay half. No response. Now, this is on our daughter that passed away. We do it 2 times a year. Bday and her death.

So, after 48 days of no contact I had to email him on 3 things today. Now, he baited me. He knows if he doesn’t respond I will call. We have never in 32 years not had contact for 48 days. Even if I went 30 days with not calling we would have a email or text about something here and there. When I cut him off and then need to teach out he punishes me by delayed or no response.  In the past that would make me call. I did not break today. I did not call. It is frustrating that they have to act like selfish whining teenagers. It would be nice to be able to send an email and get a response on business things and not have to play games. I will never get it. They almost make you feel like you left them by the way they respond.

Good news is at least all that came on one day and now I dont have to communicate until May to pick our NFL games for the season.
So big win today on not being baited into a call. Feel relieved. 
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#11: February 08, 2022, 03:50:08 PM
There seems to always be something that will require contact. That is why I am not a big fan of feeling that we must not have contact with them...because it puts a "expectation" on us that creates angst when we do have to get in touch with them.

They may not necessarily respond back to us. Kind of like a teenager ignoring their mother. Or it doesn't seem to matter to them. I would not say it is purposeful or even conscious...their brains are like swiss cheese.

Recently, my husband  enrolled in medicare. I have been on medicare for 2 years and have been paying my premiums through electronic deductions from my bank account. For some reason, those EFT's were cancelled without any notification to me and his account was being charged for both of us.

It wasn't his fault but bureaucracy sometimes messes things up and that's a problem that we must deal with and we have been separated for 12 1/2 years. He set up his account with his address and his bank account but they cancelled mine in the process.

Fortunately, because we have remained in some contact over the years he notified me right away. He had already contacted them to correct the amount that was being taken from his account. I had to contact medicare and pay the premium using a credit card for that month and I would not have had any idea that my premium had not been covered.

Quote
Good news is at least all that came on one day and now I dont have to communicate until May to pick our NFL games for the season.

That's an expectation. You may or may not have to contact but what would it feel like to be able to say to yourself the next time contact occurs that is really doesn't matter? Deal with it and continue living your life.

I know that this works for me. I don't attach any meaning or significance to these types interactions.
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« Last Edit: February 08, 2022, 03:51:46 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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And to each his own….
#12: February 08, 2022, 03:59:50 PM
Xyzcf- I get what your saying. I think communication and manipulation has been so heavy that I needed to break some cycles and set some boundaries for myself. He has to see a difference and he has to be respectful of me. So, if I have to contact him I will, but I try to resolve things now all at once to minimize the contact. He needs to live the life he chose and he was constantly using me as a security blanket. Hopefully with these now long breaks in between contact it will not matter when the contact has to take place.

It is all about my healing and leas about anything else. I finally feel relatively sane for the first time in a year without him in my ear with his sadzzzzzz.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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And to each his own….
#13: February 09, 2022, 07:17:40 PM
My XH got fired from his job today. We worked together. Moved several states. Worked for the company for decades. Our kids work there. He left the marriage. Moved in coworker a year later and 3 months later they fired him.

I saw it coming. Tried to help. Tried to warn him. Now he is with OW that has uses him for his status and money and has no idea the depths of despair he has been in as she has been his escape, but ultimately the relationship cost him his job. She has no idea how to help him through this.

So much lost. Tomorrow would be 1 year anniversary of our divorce. And next month is the anniversary of our daughters death. I do not see him making it through this. My daughter is angry at us both. Not sure why me, but think it is misdirected anger. My son when I told him he said. We all have to answer for our choices. He loves his Dad but I think he saw it coming as well.

It’s all such a tragedy. Not sure how the story will go from here, but I’m concerned to turn the page. The chapters just seem to be getting worse. I however am much stronger and know I will make it through all this. Not counting on my alimony, even though he has plenty of 401k money and Im sure a nice severance package. Tomorrow will be a day of adjusting all my finances as I made sure if this happened I could and would be fine. What a crazy year this has been. Seems fitting on the year of the divorce being final that this major event would happen. Maybe this will be his wake up call, but I am thinking it may be his demise. I pray its not
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« Last Edit: February 09, 2022, 07:50:32 PM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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And to each his own….
#14: February 09, 2022, 07:40:35 PM
Sorry to hear that Torn, but then again "if you accept the behaviour then you accept the consequences".  Its all on him . Another thing for him to clean up as he is a big boy now.  I am curious when you say 
Quote
She has no idea how to help him through this.
.  What do you mean by this?   What "help" will he require?.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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And to each his own….
#15: February 09, 2022, 08:06:32 PM
Barbie- he is with someone below him. she would have no idea how to help him figure his next move, handle finances or emotionally help him as they have been living a fake life. He has not told her of his suicidal thoughts. His deep despair. She doesn’t know of his multiple affairs. She is 47 and has a maturity level of a teen herself. Both her daughters are being sued by apartments complexes for not paying their rent. She saw a meal ticket and she jumped at it and didn't think of the consequences and it cost him his job. He is responsible, but so is she.

They have not lived real life. She has no idea he has lived beyond his means to fill a void while taking the ego boost of filling all her dream. Now all that is coming to an end. He said he is only happy with her when they are doing activities and never just being together  at home. She has no idea he left his family out of disgrace and he self loaths himself. She is about to see a crumbled man. A man she has not seen . This job was everything. It was a last thing that gave him status and worth.

She also works there. Now she has to go back to work and people will talk. Its a small town. I guarantee he will not be leaving the house. He wont want to face anyone. He needs to work to keep his head distracted, but he wont be able to job search. He is not me tally going to be able to focus for that. I think she will call into work for the next 2 days and stay with him, but then I assume the tough things will come. He doesnt have a job there. She will was to move back to Texas where her daughters are. She will aak to get transferred back, but here everyone knows they had an affair and now he is fired. She messed up her life royally as well now.

I dont know how this will play out, but he has clinical depression and this he may not survive without the right person by his side ( and it would still be iffy )  and she isnt it. I am very concerned for his life. In the end I did all I could and I have told him we love him and are here for him. That’s all I can do.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

H
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And to each his own….
#16: February 09, 2022, 08:44:03 PM
Hi Torn,
I am sorry to hear about XH and can empathize as I was recently let go from my job.  It’s definitely a difficult time and hopefully your XH can face his poor decisions.   Tough to watch our former spouses struggle and all we can do is let go and hope for the best.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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#17: February 10, 2022, 07:36:26 AM
Wow Torn and I am sorry about him losing his job and you are right - those OW do not know how to get them through because they only see the carefree teenage version of them instead of the struggling, depressed mess they really are. If my MLC did not have money I guarantee OW would not even have given him the time of day....meanwhile the money never mattered to me.

Secretly though I kind of smile though that your MLC has to hide in his house now or face reality that he messed up and his mess cost him his job. They are truly crazy
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#18: February 10, 2022, 01:09:36 PM
Thank you HF&S66

Im so sorry about your job loss HF. My XH is due to consequences from his MLC. Im suprised it didnt happen sooner. But it is devastating still.

S67- there is a part of me that is FINALLY a wake up call!!! Im thinking with OW there it is only going to get worse. I have been in a fog for the last 24 hours hurting for my XH friend. Not XH husband, but friend and father of my kids. I wish I knew how he would handle this. How this is going to continue to affect my kids.

Today is my 1 year anniversary of our divorce that was finalized 3 months after he left. Things just keep happening so fast. No he has no choice but to slow down. For a man that has been in high energy replay with vacations and spending what happens? I will have no insight. It’s just a strange place to sit. For the first time in a long time I feel devastation to some degree again on this. The final destruction of a life built. To have so much and for it to all be gone in one year.

MLC is a devastating illness with ripple affects that will last many decades later in some way or another.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#19: February 10, 2022, 01:35:17 PM
Quote
MLC is a devastating illness with ripple affects that will last many decades later in some way or another.
.

No question that this is true. Unless you live it you cannot begin to imagine the damage and consequences to so many.  The MLC rarely seems to have an forethought or portal into the future whatsoever. They live in this moment...what will make ME feel better RIGHT NOW . Seems OW's do not have this insight either .

It just could be that this will push him ever closer to the "bottom"...although I sure would not be surprised if it does not. But maybe.  So hopefully he is not helped in anyway whatsoever that makes that hit just a bit softer. He needs to fully feel the consequences of all the choices he has made in the past few years without any assisstance from anyone else. These are natural consequences that we all must face. Perhaps it is a good thing that OW is ill-equipped to "help" him and he must face his life on his own.  Leave him to it with no interference whatsoever.
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« Last Edit: February 10, 2022, 01:36:32 PM by barbiedoll »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#20: February 10, 2022, 04:12:01 PM
Torn please don't waste your time or energy talking about or concerning yourself with his ow.  What she is or what she isn't does not matter.  What she does or doesn't do does not matter. 
Who cares if she can't help him?  He choose her to be with.  Allow him to feel the consequences of that choice.
She is not important enough to give her any thought what so ever.  She could have been anyone.

Let them figure out their owe life now.  Wish them well and go on with your life.

I would only be concerned with what effects yours.  Your alimony and your peace of mind.
That is what's important, Torn.

Also remember this is not a mental disorder.  It is an Identity Crisis.
Yes it involves depression (that is what a MLC is...depression), but it is not considered a clinical depression.
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#21: February 10, 2022, 04:32:08 PM
I think what I have been saying is that for some of us, the door never quite closes and we do hear things about their lives that have an impact on us.

I was part of his work culture for 35 years and so anytime a change occurred in his employment, it did enter into my thoughts..how could it not?

However, not all those who have changes in their work crash and burn. Indeed my husband kept coming out better off and better off.

Trying to project what might happen next is only a guess. And there are many possibilities. I know, it's hard not to think about how this could impact him...but you don't know...you only get a few pieces of the puzzle.

I don't believe that all MLCers are unhappy in their lives but then who is to know?

I agree with Thunder, let him go and just stay focused on what is good for torn.

Knowledge such as this is bound to cause you some distress so that is perfectly normal.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#22: February 10, 2022, 05:02:21 PM
Thunder and xyzcf- I hear you. My concern is with OW is how it affect me financially. I personally dont see him getting job any time soon. He had major depression from our daughters death. It is a mental and identity crisis. I am concerned she will advise him in a bad way and will also advise him not to pay the alimony. So, I am concerned. I have contractual alimony. That is good. It cant be changed. But, if he stops paying I will have to take him to court.

So there is an unease. It is affecting my lively hood. I am ok, however. Surprisingly. A little shaken. But ok. I am glad if it had to happen it happened when it did. Even 3 months ago I am not sure I could have handled this. A lot of sacrifice from myself and my children to help get him where he was. It’s a loss. Loss for me and my children. Not just him. I’m not so concerned with him. He is going to obviously do what he is going to do. I do have sadness for him.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#23: February 10, 2022, 05:07:05 PM
I do understand your concern regarding alimony. That is certainly something that affects your livelihood very very much.

I would be concerned if you were not a bit shaken by this  :(
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#24: February 10, 2022, 05:27:58 PM
Tomorrow will be a day of adjusting all my finances as I made sure if this happened I could and would be fine.

The above is all you can control. This is where you might consider your quick early D was a blessing in disguise.
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#25: February 10, 2022, 05:44:18 PM
Torn it's perfectly ok to feel sadness for him.  Compassion for some you loved
is fine as long as it doesn't bring you down along with him.

I saw the depression in my H too but there was nothing I could do to help him so I had to let go of it and walk away.
They have to want the help.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
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#26: February 10, 2022, 06:30:05 PM
Xyzcf- thank you
Nas- so true!!
Thunder- yes, I am so much stronger now. It was a shock. I kept thinking how is he keeping his job? I think I got to a point where I thought, I guess he is going to be ok on the job. Than BAM!!! 
I haven’t seen him in 4 months. NC for 2 months, so maybe there was a little guilt on myself for a hot second. Feeling like since I was t there for a release for him he lost his job. I understand even if that was true it’s not my fault or job ( no oun intended?
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« Last Edit: February 10, 2022, 07:55:55 PM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#27: February 11, 2022, 06:50:23 AM
Yesterday was a day of messages flowing from old co workers and family on what happened after the company announcement on XH firing was made across 7 states. I had messaged my XH the night of his firing as he did call me right after he got fired to tell me. I asked if he was ok. He gave a sarcastic. i’m great. I said are you alone or is someone with you? He responded , Not alone. Then OW took the phone and messaged. Yes, I am here with him. You want to talk call us. I’m shocked he messaged with her there.

I called and no answer. I responded. i just called and no one  answered. I only wanted to check on him and make sure someone is with him and he will be ok as the father of my children. I will check with you both later. She blocked me. Now, Im sure some will think I should not have checked, but 32 years and he did call me within 5 minutes of his firing and I do know him better then anyone else. I was concerned for his life.

Now, I will go back to NC. I showed concern. I stayed classy. I did not impede on their relationship. I included her in my thoughts on contacting him. I can live with that. I just had to be able to live with myself if he does anything stupid.

He did pay the alimony. I’m a little shocked, but pleasantly surprised. I really thought. No job and very distraught he would not think to do it or think maybe he didn't have to.

Now, moving forward again. These last 2 days really have showed me how far I have come. I feel good. I feel good about ME!!
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 07:22:59 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#28: February 11, 2022, 07:07:07 AM
Wow Torn, so much to go thru in so short a time.

You handled it like a pro!! Right on!!

Well, he has a full plate, maybe it'll finally be enough for him to push away the junk food and eat some veggies.  ;)

-SS
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#29: February 11, 2022, 07:24:12 AM
Quote
esterday was a day of messages flowing from old co workers and family on what happened after the company announcement was made across 7 states. I had messaged my XH the night of his firing as he did call me right after he for fired to tell me. I asked if he was ok. He gave a sarcastic. i’m great. I said are you alone or is someone with you? He responded , Not alone. Then OW took the phone and messaged. Yes, I am here with him. You want to talk call us.

I called and no answer. I responded. i just called an no one answered. I only wanted to check on him and make sure someone is with him and he will be ok as the father of my children. I will check with you both later. She blocked me. Now, Im sure some will think I should not have checked, but 32 years and he did call me within 5 minutes of his firing and I do know him better then anyone else. I was concerned for his life.
.

Torn

What happened here ?  I was sooo hoping and praying you would absolutely NOT do any of this .  Why? .  Your hard earned no contact was sabotaged by messaging him so what was the point of no contact? . He has chosen a new life with a new person . He has chosen all of the consequences that may include. He has chosen not to be with you or his family . He made choices . He does not get pieces of both ..thats a consequence that he needs to face and see how that might affect his life.  He needs to handle his new life including all the consequences without pieces of his old like when the going gets tough.
..but you keep interferring with that. I am sorry to be so blunt ...This "problem" (loss of employment) has nothing to do with you. That is for him and his new choices to face and figure out.  Zero to do with you.  It may well affect alimony , again, thats for him to face and figure out. You keep giving him soft places ... nothing will change Torn.  He is NOT your child...he is a grown man that has some hard things to face in himself. Let him do it.   If you are deeply "concerned " about him...call a girlfriend, write it down, call your therapist etc etc.  Trust me...if something critical was to happen to him, I am certain you would be made aware .  I am sorry if I have offended you , I just needed to say it. Otherwise I am blowing sunshine up your butt and that is just useless in my opinion. . 
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#30: February 11, 2022, 07:34:20 AM
Thanks you  SS   :)

Barbie- NC contact was broken the day he got fired when he contacted me to tell me. We also had a personal issue with our daughter. Believe me. I feel horrid about breaking the 2 month NC. I do believe it’s the best, but RCR also says she doesn’t believe NC os good. He reached out and so I in turn checked in.

I still have to live with myself. I went no contact for 2 months and he lost his job. Not my fault. I know, but I have been his sounding board. Now we are headed into the anniversary of our daughters death. I am scared for his life. I felt he reached out and I needed to make sure in turn he was ok. Now,like I said. I will go back to NC until May when we choose our schedule for NFL season ticket games. I may have my son send that so I can remain NC.

Like I said. I get it. It was a hard decision, but I had to live with myself. I do appreciate everyone keeping me in check and all your wise advise and words. Our story just has a death of a child involved and until you have done cpr on your own child you will never understand the depths of hell and nightmares we live with. If he never comes back, but lives I can live with that.

Keep keeping me in check Barbie and everyone else. I do hear you!!
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 07:45:57 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#31: February 11, 2022, 08:00:39 AM
Quote
Our story just has a death of a child involved and until you have done cpr on your own child you will never understand the depths of hell and nightmares we live with. If he never comes back, but lives I can live with that.
.

I cannot begin to imagine , I really cannot . I cannot even try.   Carry on NC as you say Torn and I do believe you are perhaps one of the strongest women I have come across. I believe you CAN do anything you decide is right for you.  And that is to be respected. Thank you for taking my words in a gracious and thoughtful way . Hugs to you Torn..
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#32: February 11, 2022, 08:13:07 AM
I think it was very kind and authentic to reach out when he's at his lowest.
That's just being a good human being, and still showing love.

Notice the AP jumped in the middle: she knows that she's a counterfeit.

"If he never comes back, but lives I can live with that."
This is beautiful. Agape love as they call it. The desire that they be ok, no matter if we get what we want or not (and being fine with that). Truly next level.

-SS
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#33: February 11, 2022, 09:20:48 AM
Thank you SS- sometimes even when we hear everyone we still have to go with our gut and sometimes or maybe most times we second guess things. One thing I have always come to learn is that if I wait a bit and still feel the need and I take out the emotions then maybe it is something I just have to do. I do feel he is a blessed man to have someone as all our spouses are that takes them at their worst. It’s such a rare love. I have often told my XH ( not in the past 8 months however, haha ) I wish I had a me in my life.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#34: February 11, 2022, 09:36:11 AM
I'm sorry but I have to agree with Barbie, there was no good excuse to contact him.  He is not a child.

Torn unfortunately what you did has made yourself the enemy and ow will only tighten the reigns now.  She will fear you want him back and he will be watched.

You were doing so good with NC, you were starting to heal.

One thing RCR is not opposed to is going NC when they are living with the alienator.
That is a consequence for him choosing to do that.  Let him feel the consequences of losing you.  You are no longer his "go to" girl.  His choice.

Torn I think we all backtrack sometimes in the first year or so, I know I did, but we learn and we get stronger.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
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#35: February 11, 2022, 09:36:51 AM
T

I would have done the same.  As a good friend of mine says, “Forgive the sin and love the sinner”.

Much respect.

HD
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#36: February 11, 2022, 10:17:05 AM
While I understand that NC should be kept if you started it for a reason, then again I would have checked on him as well. Even knowing we shouldn't and everything in us telling us not to, we cannot cut that part out of us that cared for that person for so long. And I refuse to change who I am. That's why I always responded when he reached out while never initiating contact and that is why I always wished him a Happy Birthday.

And isn't it just typical that immediately the OW felt threatened and did not answer and then blocked you.  They are fully aware that they will never be able to break the bond we crated over all these years and they are deathly afraid that their new and shinyness is not enough.

If they were truly classy women (which then they wouldn't have started with married men) - they would have acted like decent people and she would have answered the phone since she said just call us....just sad creatures.

You on the other hand are very classy and incredibly strong and keep that head up.

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#37: February 11, 2022, 10:19:50 AM
Thunder and Barbie-
we had a issue with our daughter. That was the original contact. My daughter had a breakdown. I am not disagreeing with you at all. The timing of the call and his firing is crazy. I got off the call and he was fired 5 minutes later. Again, I agree it may have set me back. I agree that I may be the enemy. But, I also know she has no idea what she is dealing with. He told me his nightmares are back on the death of our daughter. He has wanted to contact me. In the end he didn’t, but when he got fired and he did call me I was then Very concerned. At that moment I had to go with my gut and my gut was telling me to text him and check. Once I knew she was there and he would be safe that was all I needed to know.

So, I am not disagreeing on a standing point that it was not a good move for me, but it was a good move for me for my peace of mind and his safety. If that is all that it takes to keep him where he is or make him never come back I am fine with that. I cant walk on broken glass worried about every move I make. I will now go back NC. He is getting ready to go through the worst months of his life. I will not be there. I think that small interaction will not in the big picture be but a blip on the map of the road ahead for him.

If I am the enemy and she is the savior then good luck with them. She does not have the life knowledge, patience,soul,love or history to handle him. They have lived together 3 months. Before that they saw each other on Saturdays every other week for 9 months. This is a huge life loss for him after losing his wife and children. If their relationship lasts this then Letting go will be that much easier.

Back to NC

Thanks 😊  Hoosier daddy respect ✊
Schrstz66- That is the thing right? It’s hard to change our moral compass and I agree. She took his phone from him. That was controlling and manipulative. Then to say call when clearly she meant it to be mean as she didnt answer when I did call and or I believe he told her not to answer as he didn't not want the two world coliding. I think she was being sarcastic on saying to call, but my head was only thinking about him and not her at all. I was hoping she was with him so he was safe. In the end she looked desperate and didn't not act with putting him first and I did. I can hold my head up and know my heart was in the right place
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 10:31:13 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#38: February 11, 2022, 10:40:25 AM
Fwiw, here is what I see.
I have said before that you seem to have a pattern of what I would call ‘proclamation’, going from down to some kind of up statement like ‘now I am free to be me’ etc. Tbh I suspect, as is true for mostbof us, that this is both a source of strength in you and sometimes an Achilles heel. Why? Bc I think you are trying to shortcut the reality of the process of healing from this awful experience. Imho it is not a ‘with one mighty bound’ kind of thing....but it is entirely understandable that we want it to be so much that we might try to persuade ourselves it is. But again imho recovery is about realism and robust truth with ourselves with the volume turned up.

I have no idea how eviscerating it might be to lose a child in the way you lost your girl. Or how strange and painful it might be to find oneself marking that loss alone without the only other person who might share an understanding of what it meant to lose her. I am so very sorry that this is where life has brought you and I hope that you can treat yourself with a tremendously kind eye right now. You are deserving of every bit as much compassion and care and grace as you are trying to offer your xh. You are just unlikely to get it from that particular dry well but that still does not mean that you do not deserve it, Torn. All of us here would wish that for you and want to give it to you.

One of the things I think we all do in the first couple of years is look around for something to metaphorically hang our hat on. Something that makes sense when so much else does not. Imho NC is a tool not an end in itself....it is something we do in order to enable something else to happen that is necessary and healthy for us. For many of us, it is a tool to achieve an ability to see more clearly what belongs on our side of the street and what does not.  For some of us, it is necessary for our mental survival and sanity which was the case for me. And that is usually a process of trial and error. Oh, and a bit of denial and justification and flailing along the way lol. It is a tremendously hard thing to disengage our lives from someone we have loved and co-created a life with for decades. Really, really hard. It is evidence perhaps of how maladaptive our ex/spouses might be that, at least for a while, they seem to do so with shocking ease....

From the cheap seats, it seems to me that the end for which NC might be a tool for you is about finding your own way to accept that there is a lot of blue water now between your side of the street and his. Bc that is what he chose to make the new normal. And it comes with some entirely predictable consequences like his job loss simply no longer being your business or how he copes with it or doesn’t or how ow supports him or doesn’t. I don’t think you have got to that point yet. Not even close tbh. Which is understandable and normal too. But not necessarily so helpful to you if you pretend otherwise. Or if we do.

The exchange with him and ow inserting herself in it and the ‘gameyness’ and passive-aggressive power play of it are all pretty textbook moves. Tawdry but textbook. Ow essentially just pissed up your fence to mark her territory, true enough. But your xh  provided the fence. And you showed up on the other side of it by engaging as you did. That kind of game one can only win imho by refusing to play and being very clear-eyed about accountability. And that includes what you are getting from showing up on the other side of the fence. I can see what ow got as a payoff and I can see what your xh got - what did you get and does that make you want to keep doing it or do something differently next time?  Bc given your xh’s pattern so far, it is a fair bet I think that there will be a next time.

Your xh is an adult and had lots of options. He could have chosen to not call bc it is his problem not yours, or call when he was alone as I presume he is not physically welded to ow lol, or refuse to let ow take his phone to message you. He did not do those things. And no one else is responsible for that but him. Not ow, not the company that fired him, not your daughter and not you. He will learn, or not, from the consequences his actions create.  It’s not your job or ow’s job to protect him from those entirely predictable consequences as if he were a toddler surely? How else do any of us learn as adults?

It suits the disordered to create triangles where someone else is responsible and they are a helpless victim.....but in reality of course nothing changes until they change it and letting our empathy twist into feeding that kind of infantile victimhood, whether we have been cast as the goodie or the baddie, is not doing them any favours.

But that's just my opinion which is probably worth exactly what you paid for it lol.
Much more importantly is what you think and want.
What role are you prepared to play in your xh’s piece of life theatre? And ow’s?
And if NC is the mechanism to achieve x, what is your x?
What did you learn from this interaction that you can use in future?
This stuff is hard and hence is perhaps more like snakes and ladders than one mighy leap stuff with an inspiring mantra though. Jmo.
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 10:53:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

N

Nas

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And to each his own….
#39: February 11, 2022, 10:46:06 AM
This may be a dense question, but how do you know you're blocked? I don't know how it works. Do you get a message saying text (the one you sent saying you had just called and no one answered) isn't being accepted?

You said once you knew she was there and he would be safe, that's all you needed to know. Why then did you call?  I'm just curious. The OW said call and you called - why? Did you actually want to talk to her? How would that conversation have gone? I can't imagine it would have left you feeling good in any way, shape or form. So, again, just a reminder to respond, not react, and take a beat before doing anything, whether it's texting, calling, looking at social media, engaging in conversation with former colleagues (who imo by now should not be "updating" you on anything, as doing so is either drama tourism or gossip mongering, neither of which is altruistic.)

Just one more word of caution from an outside perspective: you don't know who physically clicked on "block this contact." It's a bit of a trap the LBS can fall into to say the OW did it - meaning your exH didn't actually block you, therefore you don't have to proceed as though he did such a thing. The fact is you're blocked on his phone, so he's responsible for that blocking. Just keep that thought in mind the next time the urge to "check in on him" strikes. You were blocked, doesn't matter by whom, you don't need to check in on him. If he wants help, he'll have to want it enough to seek it out.

Along the lines of "factually" stating the OW blocked you, I would also caution against the "factual" narrative that he's getting ready to go through the worst months of his life. The LBS is not the omniscient narrator of the story. We don't know what's to come, for us or for the MLCer. How he handles being fired and what he does next are unknowns, even to you who knew him for 30+ years. What happens next for him is unknown - you don't even know what will happen to you tomorrow.
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#40: February 11, 2022, 11:21:15 AM
As much as I do truly have compassion for Torn and the loss of her daughter , I still stand by my  original post.  Treasur and Nas ...both have added great insight and words for you to ponder and consider as you move forward. 

Quote
I have said before that you seem to have a pattern of what I would call ‘proclamation’, going from down to some kind of up statement like ‘now I am free to be me’ etc. Tbh I suspect, as is true for mostbof us, that this is both a source of strength in you and sometimes an Achilles heel. Why? Bc I think you are trying to shortcut the reality of the process of healing from this awful experience. Imho it is not a ‘with one mighty bound’ kind of thing..
.

This is absolutely what I see , just had no words as descriptive and gentle.  There are no short-cuts that ever create lasting change or shifts .

Quote
Your xh is an adult and had lots of options. He could have chosen to not call bc it is his problem not yours, or call when he was alone as I presume he is not physically welded to ow lol, or refuse to let ow take his phone to message you. He did not do those things. And no one else is responsible for that but him. Not ow, not the company that fired him, not your daughter and not you. He will learn, or not, from the consequences his actions create.  It’s not your job or ow’s job to protect him from those entirely predictable consequences as if he were a toddler surely? How else do any of us learn as adults?
.

Brilliant . My thoughts exactly .

Quote
And it comes with some entirely predictable consequences like his job loss simply no longer being your business or how he copes with it or doesn’t or how ow supports him or doesn’t. I don’t think you have got to that point yet. Not even close tbh. Which is understandable and normal too. But not necessarily so helpful to you if you pretend otherwise. Or if we do.
.

Yes. All of it.  His life, his job, his choices, his OW, his choices regarding his own mental health  ...nothing to do with you.





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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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And to each his own….
#41: February 11, 2022, 11:40:08 AM
Treasur,Barbie and Nas- I don't know if I am not explaining myself or not. The original contact happened as my daughter had a nervous breakdown. This was due to our relationship. His trip to disney. So absense, so many things. For months I have tried to deal with her on My own, but it came to a head. In the end WE are her parents. We talked about it. It was a good conversation. We came to some decisions moving forward that could help. All was good. THEN….. 5 minutes later he was fired. He messaged me and then called. He had 10 minutes to clean his desk and leave. I said I would call him to back when he got home.

I thought better and instead messaged him. The other woman had left work and went home. He did respond to me ( which he never normally would do with her) she then took the phone. Since my message  to him was asking if she was there so he was not alone I was not messing with their relationship. I was concerned for him. When she answered I did not at first think she was being sarcastic . As I states my thoughts were on him and in a naive state I thought hers were as well. Instead clearly she was threatened.

In hind sight I should not have called. Then when I was able to reevaluate I realized. In the end he is the father of my children. Their 1 year does not trump that or 32 years of a friendship we had. So, if she has a problem with that it will only cause an issue for them going forward. Right now I get it is causing me the problem.  He definitely is allowing and picking her in those moments and not me. She is the one that is there and still is, but he also answered me twice with her there and that was a pick for me. So, it’s all how you look at it. Either way I do get what your saying and I own it, but I have changed and progressed a lot.

Now on my Im fine etc. I am. I am not cycling like early days. I have bad moments, but I dont linger in that land. So, is it repetative behavior and denial?? Nope!! Absolutely not. First 9 months massive cycling. Thought I was there but a blow would come and BAM. I think personally IMHO that its unfair to compare Torn from 5 months to Torn now and think Im not growing. Im grown!!! Im in therapy. I havent seen him in 4 months. Hadnt talked to
Him in 2 months. Things happen. Can then those moments set us back a bit? Yes, but not like before.

When I say I am in a better place BELIEVE me I am. I also sometimes think these blips although may set me back they also make me stronger  and show me how much I have grown. The big thing is we have children. Adult children yes, but still children and sometimes we will have to come together to address what we have caused that affects them.

Frankly, he doesnt get to throw the bomb and then go to disney land and never deal with the destruction. Messed up or not. He doesn’t get to sit in a beautiful pasture while I am in the burned field. There are times Im running out of water and the flames from the field I am in is crossing into his field and he needs to be warned that i dont have enough water on my own to handle the flames.

Does that fit the LBS handbook on how to deal with it?Probably not. But we are human and we reach a point where we dont care. The good news is. I went 2 months NC. Now maybe I go 4 months or maybe I go forever. Each time I can handle the flames for longer and I get to where I have plenty of water . Thats when Treasur, Barbie and Nas are going to give me the fireman reward!! I’m looking forward to it!!
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 11:57:45 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#42: February 11, 2022, 11:45:23 AM
Quote
Thank you SS- sometimes even when we hear everyone we still have to go with our gut

Each person's situation is different and I do not think we need to be telling other people what they must or must not do regarding contact of a family member, a family member going through a MLC or depression or whatever has hit them and caused so many changes in them.

Drawing a line in the sand about "no contact"  can come back and haunt you, because sometimes, as I have said before, there is going to be contact. Especially with certain types of MLCers.

You need not feel "bad" about your response to him. Something major has happened in his life. He doesn't disappear off the face of the earth because he is having a crisis.

I really really think that we become whole when we are able to handle contact without it causing us to disintegrate. That is when we can say we are detached. And that is a good place to be IMHO.

However, you cannot rush this or  "make yourself" whole. It takes time, lots of tears, lots of therapy and finally acceptance.

It does not mean you ever stop loving him or caring about his welfare. It means you accept that he does not want you in his life. Life can be very hard.

From Schartz66
Quote
While I understand that NC should be kept if you started it for a reason, then again I would have checked on him as well. Even knowing we shouldn't and everything in us telling us not to, we cannot cut that part out of us that cared for that person for so long. And I refuse to change who I am. That's why I always responded when he reached out while never initiating contact and that is why I always wished him a Happy Birthday.

This!

His crisis doesn't mean that we have to act differently than we would to someone this important to us, this much loved.

I have absolutely no problem with your contact with him. Do not condemn yourself for showing care and concern for him.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#43: February 11, 2022, 12:12:00 PM
Xyzcf- thank you. I agree that we just have to follow out heart and gut sometimes. I do get that my head knows better however as well.
The really good news is. My xh worked at the same company as my kids. I worked there for 25 years myself. The messages and calls were crazy on shared workers reaching out. The fact that my. XH was very high up and my kids below him with some Management in between was a very hard for me.

The good news is my kids can now talk about work without me feeling a gut punch or their Dad coming in to it. Now both of us are former employees. I think this is going to be huge for healing for me. The negative is that is how xh stayed connected to the kids. I think their relationship will fall apart a lot more now. I think this will be another battle he did not anticipate. I really think he will be hitting an all time low.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#44: February 11, 2022, 12:39:48 PM
Please understand, Torn, that you owe me nothing. No explanation or justification. I merely offered an alternative more distant lens in case that is useful now or in the future. It is your path and you will learn as you go and adapt accordingly. There are times when others see things in our words which we can’t see, our potential blind spots perhaps; that was true in my case certainly. Sometimes I was ready to use that, sometimes not so much.

I’m not sure there are any LBS awards. If there were, I certainly would be in no position to offer them  :) Or receive one either  ::)  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: And to each his own….
#45: February 11, 2022, 01:24:12 PM
Xyzcf I don't ever think we should use NC as a punishment or an ultimatum.
As you know I have never been a fan of NC and never used it.

It should only be used for a LBS to take a breather, get their feet on the ground and heal some.  It doesn't have to be forever, but it is for the LBS, not a line in the sand for the MLCer.

I guess if my XH had found someone he wanted to live with I would have bowed out.
Because my first H was a womanizer for years, I could never be an option again.

So I do think there is a difference when the MLCer chooses to live with someone else.  As much as I hate saying it, it then would be time to accept they chose someone else, for what ever crazy reason.

I also think it is almost impossible to go NC when you have young children.  There are issues, like school, etc., where you need to co-parent with them.

Adult children should be able to decide what kind of relationship they want with their parents. That should not be up to us to make it work or not.  If my adult children needed me for anything I would be there for them.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth, but we all have to choose these things for ourselves, and we should not judge.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#46: February 11, 2022, 01:45:22 PM
Thanks Thunder for what you wrote about NC not being used for a punishment or ultimatum.

Yet I hear phrases all the time "he must face the consequences of his choices" and "he must see what he has lost" which really doesn't seem to understand what a crisis actually is about. Somehow, withdrawing our minimal contact/love appears to me that that they are being punished for having a crisis.

This triggered a question for me:

Quote
So I do think there is a difference when the MLCer chooses to live with someone else.  As much as I hate saying it, it then would be time to accept they chose someone else, for what ever crazy reason.

In a crisis, some choose another person, most seem to do this, although for many, it is short lived.

But there are other things that they choose which also replace us...addictions to substances, spending, excessive exercise and work being a very big one for many in crisis.

And whatever it is that they fill the void with, in my opinion can be every bit as heartbreaking as another person...because as we continue to talk about our inner child, they are choosing something else to replace us. And my inner child has a very hard time understanding why he would do that. The adult gets it...but the inner child is my vulnerable area.

And of course, each one of us determines what it is that causes our wound. It may not necessarily be another person.

As I stated earlier in my response to Torn "It does not mean you ever stop loving him or caring about his welfare. It means you accept that he does not want you in his life."
Just something to think about on a snowy afternoon.
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« Last Edit: February 11, 2022, 01:46:26 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#47: February 11, 2022, 02:16:29 PM
You know I think for me an aspect of it all that I struggle with if I am being honest is that I’m divorced vs still married. It makes no difference to me. I did it for financial reasons. I have adult children vs young. Again, makes no difference to me. Sometimes. Adult children have a harder time . They have had a normal life for 30 years and it is a bomb drop to them. There is nothing more healthier than trying to stay civil and work out something to keep some love in the family unit.

I lived through a  horrible divorce till both my parents died. They had other partners, but still talked through us. Talked about each other. The pain remained  for decades. I don’t want that. He says he wants to be my friend and can’t see a life without me in it. Lies? Cake eating? Who knows. What I do know is it is not healthy for me to do that and that is why I finally went NC, but if my children adult or not are struggling I will talk to him and if he has a tragic event in his life And I want to check I will.

The OW?? Totally destroying his life. It is beyond apparent. Son worked with her for years and hates her!! Hates!! That’s a strong word. What I do know is before all this my XH favorite people and those that opinion mattered the most were my son and I. We are the 2 people that he now cant face and shut out. However, I know that I could not live with myself if I did not reach out on such a tragic day ( self induced or not) and check on him, specially when he messaged me to tell me.

And with that said I am still in agreement that contacting him is not healthy for me under any circumstances right now, but sometimes your love for your kids and even your xh trumps your own needs for a moment. Maybe it pushes him away and it defeats what I am trying to do by my reach out. I also get that. It is these moments that it all gets jumbled. The marbles are all mixed up and you can’t clear your head enough to think straight. My anxiety was so high on my daughter I felt compelled to make that call. I felt it just as high as he felt compelled to leave and to move in with a stranger. Maybe I should have waited an hour and rethought it. Yet, he was the only one that had the answer to the issue.( without going into detail)

At that moment it wasn’t about him or me. It was about her. So, I get it. I really, really do. And I keep getting stronger on the need to reach out. For a long time we were tied by so many loose ends. Now it is just the kids. I really feel that him getting fired it going to make a huge difference. I will not be pulled into him and the kids discussion’s. I will not hear about him daily. That will be so huge!!! I think this is really going to be a great tragedy in the end.

So like I said. Back to NC. It was a short blip of an hour in 2 months. I think after what happened to him my brief contact is the last thing he is concerned with. I also dont think I will ever be the enemy. Maybe to her, but never to him. I dont think so. He has never ever said a bad thing to me. I will now distance myself again from the situation and I guess we will see where his life goes. This was a troubling and good week for me. He proved he really is a mess and that she has made things worse. Will he ever see it? Who knows. Could be never. Will he ever see her for who she is? As my son said yesterday “ he is seeing what he wants to see” I agree. I do agree that he needs to suffer the consequences of his choices. I hope actually this is the start of that. I will remain strong and detached and NC.

Ok….ramblingggggg now and not even sure If I made any sense at all
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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Re: And to each his own….
#48: February 11, 2022, 02:42:58 PM
Yes you made sense, Torn.

No you will be her enemy, not his.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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And to each his own….
#49: February 11, 2022, 10:56:03 PM
Quote
You know I think for me an aspect of it all that I struggle with if I am being honest is that I’m divorced vs still married. It makes no difference to me. I did it for financial reasons..

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I lived through a  horrible divorce till both my parents died. They had other partners, but still talked through us. Talked about each other. The pain remained  for decades. I don’t want that.

And that is a great example, my friend, of you being honest with yourself but with a kind eye.
And entirely understandable in terms of dealing with all your jumbled bits now, hopefully with good IC support.
Given the whirlwind of events after such a long marriage, I suspect you do not yet feel divorced/single no matter the paperwork. Your courage in protecting yourself and your family financially may well already be proving to be a wise pragmatic choice but that is an outside thing rather than an inside thing, isn’t it? And it is one of the things that is a little different in your situation compared to some of us here......not all, but many....so you might be legally divorced but your soul is still playing catch up. Others who have had a much longer process to divorce, years not months usually, were often  in a different headspace by the time a legal divorce was finalised bc they had longer to adapt and detach. Tbh my h was in my h in my head long after he was no longer my h in my life.  ::) So, imho, divorce does not change the fact that you are an LBS ‘newbie’ emotionally, wrestling with all the things that we wrestle with in the first couple of years.

And how understandable that you do not want to recreate for you and your kids the experience you had of your parents’ divorce. How it might take a bit of time to figure that out in the context of what you can control and what you can’t, what your healthiest version of ‘divorced’ might look like longer-term.

It will all come through in the end, my friend. It just takes a bit of time and some trial and error to figure out the best version of a new normal that was never your choice, doesn’t it?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#50: February 12, 2022, 09:51:07 AM
Treasur- you’re so right!! Thank you for taking the time to try and hit me with some truth darts and also try to give me some insight into myself through observation and experience of “been there, done that”
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#51: February 14, 2022, 06:03:36 AM
So my XH company gave him 24 hours to go through his work email and clean it out. I know he had a huge file of emails from me he kept. He is or shall I say was a romantic at heart. So, on our 1 year anniversary of our divorce ( which was the day after his firing ) he forwarded me our divorce decree from his work email. That’s the only thing. Funny thing is… I had sent it to him last year with congratulations!! His response, not congratulations, just trying to survive.

Anyways.. thought why did he send this to me?? I obviously have it.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#52: February 14, 2022, 06:49:21 AM
my husband said something similar. "I'm not happy or excited. Just trying to live."  So weird. You think they would be jumping up and down and having a party with how adamant they were about wanting it in the first place.

As for forwarding the decree to you... I'm thinking because it's an important legal document and he's forwarding it to a safe place to keep. Guessing subconsciously he knows his life is a sh*t show and he can't be left in charge of anything important. My xh made copies and scans of his part of the tax documents and sent me the hard copies. I was like "why?". He said he knows he can't be trusted to keep stuff in order. I returned them. smh. Just a thought
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

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#53: February 14, 2022, 07:15:46 AM
He probably forgot you had it, and in the flurry to get emails resolved he thought he should send it. I'd doubt there was any meaning to it, just coincidental timing.
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#54: February 14, 2022, 12:32:13 PM
Kelly & JB - they don't have a thought process. They just fly by the seats of their scrambled egg brains. 😂🥲
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#55: February 18, 2022, 11:10:18 AM
My son quit his job this week. Our whole family worked for this company for decades and little by little we are all dropping like flies. My daughter is the only one to remain. XH reached out to his son the day he turned in his notice ( he didnt know) XH asked son how it was going which S29 replied he turned in his notice. XH replied, you have  something lined up? S29 said,No. that was it convo ended.

I think XH is all alone in his space with no job and only OW. I think he is in contact with D31. I dont ask, but I think she is doing the things I would have. Resume etc. I think XH reached out to S29 because S29 had not reached out. Once he knew S29 didn’t have any concern for him as he had his own things going on the convo was over.

It’s just so sad. XH is on that proverbial island now. No job. Cant fill his times with spending and trips in replay. His conversations with his son now that work is not a connection seemed to be pretty much over after “how are you” cant seem to keep a convo going. Is he headed to rock bottom? Who knows. I think as far as I am concerned he will turn into a vanisher. I think the work connection ending for us all is a positive.

That karma bus that we want in some ways and in others feel bad to wish for ( as we are decent humans) seems to be here. Just not sure what stop he gets off on. The one that starts to end the vacation from reality or the one that brings him to the next. The hardest part of all this for me is at one point he seemed to be a great human being . One that made me question my own deficiencies. Now, to me he is a horrible human being. One who has abandoned his moral compass and who’s legacy he will leave behind is scary to look at. That is the part of MLC that for me has been the hardest and saddest to accept.

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« Last Edit: February 18, 2022, 11:40:46 AM by TornupNOMORE »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#56: February 22, 2022, 11:11:04 AM
It’s been a weird week for me. I have been trying to figure out what it is that I feel sad or unsettled with. I realize that my XH loss of his job was a huge loss for me. So many sacrifices by myself and our family for him to reach this position. I think also this is something we would lean on each other and talk through and instead he is with OW who is part of the demise of his job. It’s another hard pill to swallow.

Again, he destroys another aspect of his life and has a partner to be there for him and I feel once again just discarded and unimportant. It makes you really reflect what all the years, decades and sacrifices were for. I find myself back grieving our D14 who's 13 anniversary of her death is approaching again in just a couple weeks. Just so much more work to do internally for me. I still know I will be ok, but would prefer it to be sooner rather than later.

Not sure if his replay will slow now that he lost his job. He did get a settlement and he has plenty of 401k money so I think our alimony agreement he will continue with non issues , but I do believe he will now become a vanisher. Without a doubt at this point that would  probably be best. I just pray he doesn't move back to the state I am in. Anyone have a history of a MLC losing their job and how it played out? I feel XH will distance himself from his kids even more. He couldn’t face then before and I feel it will only get worse.
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« Last Edit: February 22, 2022, 11:18:04 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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#57: February 22, 2022, 11:43:56 AM
My H did not loose his job in terms of being "fired" but within a month of leaving he quit. It was so shocking , so scary and out of  something he would EVER do..i was speechless.  When he left our home in a huge rush , he actually left one of the computers in his office and left himself logged in to his email account .  I found a way to keep that open and when I saw an email saying he was quitting his job, I remember just staring at it in some kind of shocked trance. My mind went into overdrive in terms of my own finances ..his truck payment that was coming out of a joint account etc etc.  WTF would he do for money??   What was I going to do?.  He never said a word to me although I knew he was becoming more and more frustrated as he was saying things ( in monster) that his boss is not "using him for the skills he had , hated the new alpha male guy etc". But quit??  .  And he moved out of town .  Not sure how his little OW cow felt about that .  He worked for cash for a brother up north building a house and staying in a motel.  And then had a huge falling out with his brother that only recently contacted him. They never spoke for 8 YEARS .  I do not believe anyone could have got along with him at the time.  By this time I understood he was accessing money from the line of credit and locked that up .  By the time my H approached me to come home he had less than 2.00 in the bank, was very sick and hospitalized and everything he had was piled in his truck . He had no where to live ( well, he could have moved in with OW as she asked him to repeatedly...he refused) so he moved in with his uncle.  He was an absolute mess.  Unbelievably , 6 months later his boss contacted him and asked him to come back to work.  His boss understood that my H had some sort of a crisis .  The shock never ends .  My H walked away from everything at warp speed and in a rage at the universe.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#58: February 22, 2022, 12:17:57 PM
my xh hasn't been fired and I'm not thinking that's an option for him since he is part owner. But employees are starting to note how he's rubbing people the wrong way, short tempered etc. My daughter works for the company in the home office. Xh has isolated himself off in a smaller branch in a different state. Anyway- she hears so much from management and coworkers. She's in a tough spot. But it's his mess he's making.

It's all tough and maybe this is all part of your xh's path to rock bottom. And maybe total disconnect from the family it what is needed. Hard to say. Leave him be and continue your own journey to healing and growth!
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

M
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And to each his own….
#59: February 22, 2022, 03:14:43 PM
Barbie, Yes, my XH felt undermined at work and new people coming in making him insecure. I honestly think his boss tried to cover for him.  He did talk about leaving his job, but I dont think he ever would have. I honestly Think leaving that stress behind could help him if he allows it

Kellvell- my XH was also biting heads off or was before he was fired

It is so sad to watch them completely destruct and yet still not want to help themselves
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« Last Edit: February 22, 2022, 03:50:46 PM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#60: February 23, 2022, 04:30:54 AM
My former H lost his job 18 months after BD; this was the "wonderful new high-paying" job he started the day after BD, he was all excited that it was his new life, all that.

He then did get another job, but quit that after a few months to start a new venture  -- another "now I'm going to have the life I wanted" thing.  (I only learned of it after he had done it), which failed, he then went on to try another venture that failed, etc.   With the first one he did get severance, but of course didn't with the second as it was he who quit and with the ventures he just lost money. 

He did continue paying support for the children and me for a while, but I did realise that I had better be prepared for him to stop, which he duly did, saying that he had no money.  I think he paid for about 6 years after BD, but stopped while the children were still in school.  Along the way I learned of eye-watering debts he had run up. 

Many  years later he has, to my knowledge, lost everything he once had; I salvaged enough so that the children and I have a home and something in the bank.  I have no idea how or even if he is earning money; it's possible he is living off the OW, but I don't know what she does for a living either.  Maybe he drives a cab?  Not my issue, of course, but it is sad when you consider he was earning 6 figures with all the benefits before this mess. 

And yes, he has distanced himself from the children more. 
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#61: February 23, 2022, 05:05:03 AM
Wow, Trustandlove. I can so see that happening. My worst fear is the more distancing from the kids and grandson. That is heartbreaking.  I financially will be fine if he stops paying, but will have to make some adjustments. I can only assume I will not get the heads up on if and when he stops. I think he will try to as long as he is able. It is so hard to watch the destruction of a life, but even harder for me to have to watch my kids see it. How are your kids now? It’s been more than a decade.

I think I read your coaching archives a while back. I am going to go read your total story.
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« Last Edit: February 23, 2022, 05:16:05 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#62: February 25, 2022, 10:51:23 AM
Therapy thoughts— this week I focused on a few things. My therapist firmly believes my XH is in a identity crisis with a possible psych break. She thinks he has always had his insecurities and the death of our daughter and his father caused with the pressure’s of a high stress job brought it to unmanageable levels.  He seems to have a inferiority complex with me and possible some competitiveness with me as I am strong and confident.

These opposites in us worked. His weaknesses vs my strengths and vice versa always worked until his “ why are we hear” moment came. This is where the negative focus on me came and his “need for redirection “ came. This is all in tune with things he said on the way out. I need to be on my own, take care of me. Since leaving he cooks, grocery shops,pays his own bills. These are all things he never did. Unfortunately he is eating worse, mis managing money, cc debt and lost his job. So his efforts to build his self esteem has not been working as this wasn't the issue. The issue as we all know is more deep and internal.

Anyways, interesting therapy and I agree there is a inferiority complex happening and that is where the affair down comes in.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#63: February 26, 2022, 11:23:31 AM
I had to make the tough decision to put my beautiful Lab to sleep today. He came into my life after the death of my daughter and has been my lifeline through the last year since my XH departure. Seems like my life as I knew it just keeps slipping away and this will undoubtedly be a hard one to get through.

I did text my XH on the loss, but not sure he will see it. I told him if the time came I would let him know. I seriously debated not telling him as he walked away from his dog like everything else, but I rethought it and decided I dont want to be that person. Just sent him his name with his birth and death dates and a video we took of our beautiful pups first birthday trip to petsmart.

I will be forever grateful for having my beautiful pup in my life for 13 years. I still have one dog who seems already confused as to where her sidekick in life is. Why does life have to be so difficult and have so much loss?  The one thing I know is my pain comes from love. I’m grateful I can feel pain and love. It is better than numb and lost.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#64: February 26, 2022, 12:05:45 PM
Terribly sorry to hear that, MadLuv. Hugs for you.
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#65: February 26, 2022, 12:22:28 PM
I am very sorry for the loss of your Lab. They are such amazing friends and comfort to us and truly are family.

Be very gentle with yourself now for these losses compound all the others that we experience and it can be a lot to cope with, especially on our own.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: And to each his own….
#66: February 26, 2022, 04:42:02 PM
So sorry about your pooch. Yahoo had an article yesterday about how the remaining dog grieves as well: https://www.yahoo.com/now/dogs-grieve-friend-dies-study-162351012.html

It´s so hard to grieve it alone and see yet again how stone cold the MLCer has become. Looking at photos helps. I wrote my lil guy a song: Co-pilot. Just sitting and petting your other dog may help the process.

Hugs,
FTT
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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#67: February 26, 2022, 05:41:51 PM
I’m sorry that you had to put your sweet dog to rest.  I wish I could give you a hug. 
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And to each his own….
#68: March 04, 2022, 07:32:42 AM
My daughter who passed after only a 1 month diagnosis of leukemia birthday and death dates have been the worst 6 months for my XH. I want to share our email interaction from 5 months ago to give some insight into why it is hard to not be there for someone in deep depression that you have decades of history with and that not all times and interactions are manipulative and being there sometimes is just the human and right thing to do. Even when they have put you through the depths of despair.

XH-I’ve been listening this a lot lately
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vtCKYZXpVKQ

Me-It a beautiful haunting version.
How do you feel it helps you to listen to this type of song and lyrics?

XH-Because I know Chester was dealing with his own demons.   His songs have completely different meanings to me now.
I thought that one was about a girlfriend or wife,  now I know it's about the voice in your head. I feel I understand and can
relate, and I know he lost his battle with his demons.  So it's okay.  I listen to his music, I watch old Robin Williams skits.
I see things and hear things I never heard before...

Me-When you say you know he lost his battle so it’s okay. What do you mean by it’s okay? Are you looking and listening in to the music to help you see and hear to not end up where they are?
Or it is just more acceptance for you that you’re not alone and others have been in the same mindset?

XH- (repeated) I know he lost his battle with his demons.  So it's okay.  I listen to his music, I watch old Robin Williams skits.
I see things and hear things I never heard before...

ME-I do understand totally what you’re saying and I am sure when you are in a place you feel no one can understand that it is helpful. He lost his fight however, as did Robin. What music do you listen to that gives you any hope ?

XH-Citizen Soldier

Me-I can see if you feel you are living in a different place than everyone else there is some relief and hope in that music and feeling understood. It gives you a voice where you don’t feel you can speak out loud maybe as well? I was wondering more if there was music you enjoy that gets you out of the headspace of feeling like a failure or a burden to others and yourself?

XH-Not really

Me-I have been depressed, but I have never been in as dark of a place as you are. So, I don’t know what it’s like to feel stuck there and feel you deserve to be where you are. I have never felt that.

I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I’m sorry you didn’t feel there was a safe place to share your pain. It makes sense now why you just want to be able to be without pressure to explain. To just want to be quiet.

Have you thought more on therapy and some type of antidepressant? Sometimes it just takes the right mix of cocktails to help. I know you hate taking things, but maybe it’s worth trying rather than being in the depths of hell.

I’m glad you found music that makes you feel understood. I hope having the dogs also is therapeutic for you. Dogs give that unconditional love with no expectations in return. That seems to be the love you need right now.

There are so many people who love you, but I understand now that love feels like pressure to you. You do what you need to do to be at some level of peace for your survival. That is what is most important. You are the only one who knows what you truly need.

The conversation ended. However, for the first time in a year he called in the middle of the night on D14 bday 2 days later. I have always told him if he finds himself in a bad place he can always reach out. I unfortunately Was deep in sleep when he called and did not wake up until the rings stopped. I woke up and messaged him and this is exchange.

Me-You ok?
XH-I’ll make it I think
Me-I heard the phone ring so I just wanted to check. If you need to talk let me know
XH- I will

My daughters anniversary of her death is next week. I will most likely break contact and message him as I am the only one who knows his true pain on her death. I don't need a response from him nor do I expect one. Since being fired the OW seems to have total control of him. That’s ok. I have always sent him the messages I receive from D14 friends and so I will still do that. Right or wrong? I don't know. What I do know he is the only person on earth that has the same pain of her loss and I will continue to be an empathetic support on those days.

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« Last Edit: March 04, 2022, 07:59:40 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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And to each his own….
#69: March 13, 2022, 10:08:45 AM
Nothing much new on my end. All things quiet. Our daughters anniversary of her passing was recent and this is the first time we have not been in contact on this day in 13 years. We do cater in lunch to RMH and I did that on my own and he did not reach out to taking part. 😮 I did not contact him on it. He knows we do it every year. My son also said his father has not messaged him in a month. 🥲

XH is still spinning with OW jobless after 38 years.  Sent the vet bill for putting our sweet dog down through the US mail. Per our decree he is to pay half. He sent me the money for the complete bill plus more?? You can’t make this up. Makes no sense.

Came on to post a thread from Sparky from DB website. I like to share things I have read that I found helpful or interesting and will continue to do so. 

Going Dark by Sparky

Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.

There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.

One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or @$$hole. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you sucks. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact.

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« Last Edit: March 13, 2022, 10:11:31 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#70: March 13, 2022, 01:28:44 PM
I absolute agree that this their life, regardless of any part we may have had in it prior, and they have made the choice (crazy or not to us) to part ways.  We need to let them go do whatever it is they feel they need to do.  We have no idea how they feel or what they are thinking, so any musings on our part are pure conjecture or speculation anyway.  No good can possibly come of that and just keeps us unnecessarily tethered to them, but I think that is really what some LBS want.  They need to feel still tied in some way.  They fear closing the door to the past because that is truly the last tie they themselves have to the MLC'er, and if that tie is gone....then they must start their own journey to finding who they are now, without the drama of MLC.
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Re: And to each his own….
#71: March 13, 2022, 03:25:27 PM
Madluv thank you for posting that!  I hope every LBS reads this.

I agree with the poster 100%.

Letting them go is the best thing for both of you....even if it feels wrong and scary right now.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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And to each his own….
#72: March 17, 2022, 10:14:30 PM
My daughter is headed to her Dad and OW for the weekend with her H and GS7. The condo we bought together. My D never has been there. I have asked my D31 out to eat, go away for a weekend and spend time with my GS7 and she ignores me. Her father takes OW to Disneyland with her 2 daughters, cheats on me with this OW and she can go spend the weekend with him.

It’s hurtful. I have been the main person to raise her. I watched my GS full time when she went back to work after his birth until he went to school. I did her wedding, her bridal showers, baby shower.  I feel like an outsider in a situation I didn't create. I know the weekend will be awkward. I also know my XH is in very fast and heavy replay with the anniversary of our D14 death just passing. Last year he took OW on vacation this weekend, so I knew something was coming. I just hate that I am paying the price for his decisions. She is fighting so hard to have him in her life as he has put very little effort for 16 months, but I feel all her frustrations are being take on me. It is all very misdirected.

It’s heartbreaking that this destroys the family, but somehow I just didn’t see that I was going to be the total casualty in this. The fact OW has a weekend with my GS7 and I don't is almost to much to bare.  I would not be surprised if there is a surprise wedding this weekend. You would think there would be a focus on him getting a job, but they seem to be still spending and playing like nothing has changed.

I want my kids and GS to have a relationship with their Dad. I just don’t want it at my expense. XH did message S29 last week. S29 said it was weird , so I stopped responding. If he is going to have a relationship with his S29 he will have to do it without OW. He is not open to that relationship. S29 will not enable. He knows her and he is firm that he doe not like her character or morals.

D31 is very hard to get a long with. I feel OW and her will eventually butt heads. For now I think D31 is just tolerating OW, because she really wants a relationship with her Dad and she knows if she doesn't accept her she wont. As he has proven he is making very little effort with S29.

Luckily my therapist was available tomorrow morning last minute.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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And to each his own….
#73: March 18, 2022, 05:52:08 PM
I found out today that my XH got married in Nov.

At this point I can’t even express what is circulating but betrayal



Edited as per user request - OP

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« Last Edit: March 20, 2022, 05:06:56 PM by OldPilot »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

J
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And to each his own….
#74: March 18, 2022, 08:23:18 PM
Wow, MadLuv, I'm so sorry to hear that, it's terrible. I hope you were still able to get that session in this morning.

Big hugs, and reach out if you want to talk.

JB
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And to each his own….
#75: March 18, 2022, 08:53:54 PM
I’m so sorry!!!  I know this news is devastating.  I have so much compassion for you.  Many prayers for you ❤️
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#76: March 18, 2022, 09:45:01 PM
So sorry ML......

Hang in there, a better day is coming.

-SS
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 27 years, M 24
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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And to each his own….
#77: March 18, 2022, 09:58:49 PM
I’m so sorry.  Im thinking of you. 
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#78: March 18, 2022, 11:35:49 PM
I’m sorry too, MadLuv, for the deep shock of it if nothing else. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself bc I suspect you will have a bunch of emotions that might take a little while to settle. And all of this has gone at rocket speed after such a long marriage. 

How did you find out? Did your daughter tell you bc iirc she was going to visit him, I think? Did your son or daughter know before or was it new information for all of you? And how are they responding to the information?

I remember that I had a lot of big feelings at the time. I remember too that I was deeply viscerally shocked while at the same time cognitively not shocked at all if that makes sense. My xh like yours was on a roll of destruction and of course ow have their own agenda to prove. I remember too that it rewrote some of my memories of interactions we’d had during a particular period of time when he’d said he was suicidal and later facts showed that he was actually involved in wedding arrangements prep....that was a bit of a doozy to process  ::) In my case, it seemed to me to be one more piece of insanity......I simply could not imagine either from ow’s point of view or his that it was a sensible step to rush into. And nothing at all like the context for my/our marriage. I remember my lawyer saying that in her trade they call those kind of marriages ‘repeat business’ lol bc they rarely end well  :) and neither one has much of a prize spouse, do they?
But
And it was a helpful But
When those feelings subsided, I also found that it helped me to let go of the last bits of my mental thread to him. Not sure I can explain it but an xh was different to someone else’s h. It kind of released me if that makes sense. But it was still a punch in the guts and another kind of betrayal of everything I had valued and believed in, so it took a little while for those feelings to filter through.

The world is full of good healthy people who don’t act this way, MadLuv. As you move forward from this, you will find yourself stepping further and further away from the Sandpit of the Disordered  :) Your xh has made his choices and he will get to live them out, for good or ill. But you no longer have to watch or listen or even care much. And that can turn out to be a strange blessing.
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« Last Edit: March 18, 2022, 11:58:24 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#79: March 19, 2022, 03:57:25 AM
I am sorry. They are such cowards. Take good care of yourself. No words really to explain how they can be so “secretive”
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#80: March 19, 2022, 04:57:32 AM
Quote
How did you find out? Did your daughter tell you bc iirc she was going to visit him, I think? Did your son or daughter know before or was it new information for all of you? And how are they responding to the information?

So, due to my D31 going for the visit I asked S29 if his father was getting married. He said, I don't know how to answer that. I said, I don't want to be kept in the dark. He said, they are already married. They got married before christmas and told D31 at Christmas. I asked if his father had told him, NO. He said, D31 told him not to tell me because I would be mad. I said, I’m not mad. I’m disgusted in the whole situation. I deserved to know. S29 said, this is a $hit show. I said,that it is!

I asked S29 if he was going to try to establish a relationship with his Dad with her or without her. He said he was going to try to have a relationship with him, but there is NO love for her so he did not seem open to her being in his life. I told him I went through this with my parents. My mom went though a MLC and left my Dad for someone 16 years younger than her.

 I had a relationship with my mom for 7 years before I would even be around her OM. I said, as you know that man was with her until she died. I formed a relationship for my mom’s sake and he is not a bad man, but he cheated with a married woman and I never forgot that. I have not seen him since my Mom died in 2015. I told him its your choice. Your Dad can have a relationship with you without her. If that’s your choice.

I also told him that 10 years after my mom left my Dad she wrote my Dad a letter . In the letter my Mom told my Dad she made a terrible mistake and that she would like to get back together for the kids sake and the family. My mom told me this. She said she never heard from him. I asked my Dad if he got this so called letter. He said, he did. I said is what she said what was in the letter true? He said, I don’t know. I never opened it. I just threw it in the trash.
When my Dad died I called my mom to tell her. She immediately started crying and she said I’m so sorry. He was the love of my life.

XH grandfather had a MLC and left his grandmother when the kids went to college. He blindsided her. Immediately remarried. When his second wife died he immediately married again to a woman 30 years younger. I had no respect for him and he was the catalyst for me telling my XH before I would marry him that he needed to promise a few things. One, love my dog, Two, don’t keep things bottled up and never say a word and wait 30 years and leave never giving the opportunity to fix what’s wrong. He said, I would never do that. YET HE DID!! 

Now, back to XH .  I just talked to him last month when he got fired and on the conversation he said he did not love her and when I asked him if he was going to marry her he said he didn’t know. HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED!!!!!!!

In December he said he didn’t look forward to going home. Home didn’t feel like home. Wait,  what?????  HE WAS A NEWLYWED!!!!
I’m not sure where his head is. What is truth and what is lies. What I do know is if I was the new bride it wouldn’t matter why my new H said it. Finding out my H told anyone he didn’t love me and didn’t look forward to going home would be a huge monumental red flag.

 I’m not sure why the man can’t seem to tell me or our son, but can tell his daughter. Oh, wait… yes I do. He knows we would not be accepting of his decision. No one in their right mind leaves a marriage of 30 years and is remarried in 9 months. I have to say. He said she would move in with him, but they need to get married. He did it and then he got fired. Maybe this new building of a life will work for them. Maybe a new family and career will be the new start he needs. His brother said he told him there might be someone he needed to meet. That was in December. BIL told me they had not been told that he go married . He said, I’m still trying to process that you two aren't married. He said he messaged him last week and asked how it was going and he replied back, not good. He then said anything I can do? He said, No, but thank you.

 I still hope he wakes up and sees the terrible decisions he’s made ( like my mom)  or at the very least that how terribly he has handled the situation ( like his grandfather) I sent him my final text last night. Right or wrong I don’t know, but I felt Compelled to send it and so I did.

Here is my last text

I don't not know how you look at yourself in the mirror every morning, but what I do know is that the only way to be happy is to live a life of truth and honesty. Your marriage is built on the destruction and pain of others. There was absolutely NOTHING that I did that deserved this level of disrespect. NOTHING!

Why you wasted years of my life with deceit and betrayal is beyond my comprehension. I’m not sure what you think I did that was so bad that I deserved this. It's like you don't think I am human. Like I'm a bug that you can just step on and end it's life and it have no impact. That's how you have made me feel.

The worst part is you have showed your own children you have no respect for their mother. That is the most disrespectful thing any man can do. What is the legacy you will be leaving behind? That is a question only you can answer.

In therapy I was told that the past was real. Do not let someone else rewrite history, but I look back now and not one bit of it was real. Not one single bit, because if any part of our 30 years was real. There would have been compassion for my life and my heart and for our family we built. For the tragedies I have shared with you of my journey before our union and our greatest tragedy the loss of our daughter. You have zero compassion for me as a living soul. Not one bit.

I NEVER KNEW YOU... that is something I have to now live with.



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« Last Edit: March 19, 2022, 05:24:51 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#81: March 19, 2022, 05:24:04 AM
ML,

I am sorry for your pain. This is a very tough time for you. You've already shown the grit to get through this.

Your last text was real, to the point, and you were able to say what you wanted to say.
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#82: March 20, 2022, 05:27:50 AM
Thank you all for the support. I have to say I was headed in such a good place with a little hope even. I was at a place where I was even looking ahead and it all didn’t seem so hard and painful. The news of my XH marriage and my daughter telling S29 not to tell me was really just more than I could bare. I honestly don’t understand my daughters behavior and yet I also do. She clearly is picking a side. It’s my worst nightmare that there is sides at all. It is my worst nightmare.

When I agreed the quick divorce there were terms. Not enforceable of course, but our life of 30 years break up vow if you will. That was to remain friends, do at least one thing per year as a family and not let anyone that came into our life keep us from being friends and stop our communication. I wanted this so that my kids did not have to have the terrible situation I grew up with after my parents divorce.
I never got over my parents divorce, ever. We also lost a child. So, my kids have already had that tragedy. We are pretty much here because of that tragedy.

So here were are in a worse situation that I could have imagined. My daughter is blaming my son for not being invited to her Dads wedding. My S29 was told to with hold information while living with me. I don’t see in and scenario that keeping this from me was not going to result in more anger and anxiety for me and everyone. I am not being treated with any level of respect from my XH or D31. My family is in complete ruins.

When he first left I thought ok, well we will still have our family time, holidays, pool time etc. XH just wont be here, but thats his choice. Now, I don’t see a family future. It will be honestly hard to forgive my D31 for how she has treated me since he left. I showed some interactions to my therapist who said she was extremely cruel. When I tried to get some insight in how I could change things my therapist said I am not seeing anything you are saying that is wrong.

You are apologizing frankly when it isn’t your place to and it still isn't good enough. She said like your XH your D29 needs to look into her self for her behavior to change. She said she thinks they both have an inferiority complex when it comes to me and that comes from insecurity. Also, that maybe they are both predisposition to have a disorder in their personality come through in times of distress.

I have a girls trip to the keys next week that I was so looking forward to and now my head space is not in the place it should be and I have anxiety about the trip. I hate that I feel I am the outsider in my own life. The life I was forced to let go of. I will never understand MLC or not how someone gets to a place where they can destroy their families life.

I wish my XH woukd should be respect. To his OW and his kids. It would have meant the world to my healing and peace of mind. I have been so supportive and kind to him. Caring for his sanity, but frankly I dont see how knowing your S29 is not accepting of his OW  how he then marries her. There just has not been one thought of the impact of all this on anyone. OW is showing that she saw a life she wanted and she took it and all she truly cares about is her and her D’s, becAuse if she truly cared about XH there would be concern as the supposed loving mother she is to her kids also put into XH S29. XH I have given so many passes due to not thinking clearly while escaping and avoiding and the fog of his life. It’s hard to do that anymore. I would never not choose to see my own S29 at XMAS while in town and he had time. He chose not to. Now, he chose OW over him again with the marriage. He new she worked in the office with my S29 when he started to get involved. I warned him not to go there with her as I saw it coming.

When I found a message 6 mths before he left to her I said right then. Do you want me to leave?  or Do you want me to help you? He said, I left the message for you. I want you to help me.  It is clear now that was not true. He clearly just needed to solidify this relationship with her and make sure it would stick before he exited the marriage and caused chaos. That was selfish. This whole journey by the MLC is selfish. We know it gets worse before better. I can see that now. I also know don't take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s just hard when the hits keep coming and every aspect of your life is being ripped to shreds. I also think with my own pain from my D14 death this all seems extremely cruel. I just keep getting handed loss after loss and for XH and D31 not to have compassion for me is really a level of betrayal to me heart. Utterly devastating, if I’m be honest.

I know I will bounce back again, but this has set me back again father then other hits. Not as much about the marriage as I saw it coming, but the deceit and disrespect from XH and D29. I do not understand what I have done. I feel betrayed by 2 of the most important people in my life. I don’t know how I will work through it, but Friday night I was told by therapist to drive to the ER after a second session as I felt very suicidal. I did go. I chose not to commit myself to treatment after consult and made it through. That is how bad I felt from this betrayal. I had started drinking beer when I found out and that and the situation did not help my mindset. XH and D29 are making me feel like I am living in insanity. When you are sane that makes you insane.

So, I now start over . Not from the start, but from nee clarity of the situation and to realize this is not my fault. I may never have a relationship with my D31 only time will tell. I can not allow her to scream at me and talk to my like I am her child and then use me every time she needs me. XH has clearly made his choice and life and I will not persue any more attempts at a friendship. I now am going to focus on my sanity and more importantly my S29 feelings and making sure I validate him and he knows that no matter what he is feeling from his Dads behavior that it not what he actually feels.

I told S29 Friday that you are one of your Dad’s favorite people. He will figure this out and he will mature and find a way to be in your life with or without you. He doesn't have to pick one or the other. He has to understand you also have a choice and he has to respect that and with that he chooses to make time for you alone. Without her.  We had a truly good talk and although he said this has all been a $hit show he is my sanity in the storm. I talked to him about possibly going to my therapist even for one session just to release anything he needs to get out. I want to make sure he is not holding anything in to protect me, to not have backlash from his sister or more rejection and silence from XH. How could he not. We are both trying to face the reality of it all while XH and D31 seem to be living in a fantasy world of denial. I do believe this is going to be the start of huge healing now. It may have been a huge step back, but I think this is what I needed to move completely on. It’s still going to be hard as I will always miss my beautiful intact family, but I will no longer take the abuse or blame for it. Those are not my burdens to bare.

I have always despised weakness. It think that was from my Dad. I think that’s why I have always pushed through. This is the me first time I have felt weak and I don’t like it. I have always been self confident and strong no matter what life has thrown at me. I want that girl back and I felt she was coming back, until this. I have more work to do. I am ready to put my total focus on me. I can not worry about who chooses to be in my life or not. It is my only life. I can just lets these days go by and waste my life worrying about what I can not control. I can do their work. So I choose ME

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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#83: March 20, 2022, 10:27:08 AM
We think that they cannot hurt us anymore but they do.. they are living their lives the way they wish. We have to find a way to live ours.
You are in  a sense dealing with two  difficult situations. Your husband and your daughter. It is really hard.
We work it out piece by piece by piece. Grateful for the days when the pain lessens.
His choices will never make sense to me. With time, you put away the 30 plus years of marriage.
I understand how the breaking apart of family is perhaps the most painful of all. For you and for your children. They do not seem to be able to feel how intense the sadness is from this….what part of their brain is involved in the ability to turn that off…or do they?
We cannot know what they are thinking. We can only see by their actions and even those actions do not necessarily tell us much about their internal selves.
You sound like you have an excellent relationship with your therapist.
My one thought regarding your son is not to have him see your therapist. If he needs to work out things,I think it would be preferable for him to have his own therapist. Regardless of what his father has done,  there will still be feelings for his dad. A good therapist will allow him to become independent in his thoughts and feelings about both his parents and combining his issues and yours with one therapist may not allow him to freely express his own feelings. Do not try and “ fix” him…let him find someone that can work through his issues if your son wishes to do that.Just my point of view.
Take your time to find peace in your life. It will come but sometimes we have to go through several layers of healing to get there.

Quote
I have always despised weakness. It think that was from my Dad. I think that’s why I have always pushed through. This is the me first time I have felt weak and I don’t like it. I have always been self confident and strong no matter what life has thrown at me.

You are not weak. What MLC does to the LBSer is very real and traumatic. You do not need to push through….you need to heal. And healing requires rest and sometimes curling up into a ball for hours, allowing the body to reintegrate.
Slow it down. Allow yourself to feel and experience it and identify those feelings. Gradually you will allow your self to heal. It cannot be rushed or pushed. Let it be. Let your therapist guide you and friends hold you until you are able to stand tall again.

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« Last Edit: March 20, 2022, 10:34:53 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: And to each his own….
#84: March 20, 2022, 10:47:13 AM
Big hugs, MadLuv. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Remarriage is an added layer of grief, and when it seemingly happens under your nose, there's just a whole other level of cognitive dissonance to work through. I wasn't in direct contact with my xH at the time he remarried, but we were still in the midst of failed settlement negotiations. The fact that he kept dragging on gave me hope, and it was a kick in the gut to learn he wasn't stalling as much as he just wasn't caring. He got the severance of the marriage so he could marry OW, and that's what he did. Eventually, this became a gift to me because where he is chained, I am free. But it's a process to get there.
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And to each his own….
#85: March 20, 2022, 02:01:51 PM
Yes, so hard to imagine what this is like.... other than being cruel and brutal.  :-[

So much sympathy for you ML. I'm glad you sent that last text. Important (IMO) to get the things out that you need to.

-SS
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 27 years, M 24
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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And to each his own….
#86: March 20, 2022, 06:16:05 PM
Treasur, reinventing,xyzcf, ss, L&B, Naverro, JB, R2T

Thank you all again. Rough weekend and longer road ahead. I thought I would stay in me house forever ,but after this weekend I’m thinking of making a huge change and maybe move out of state. Reinvent my life. Fresh start. I’m going to start looking and see what may seem like a place I can find some calm.

While I am looking I can process and make sure that a huge move is in fact the way to go. I just find myself having that thought so much that maybe I am ignoring a sign of what I need. It can’t hurt to look and see if something excites me. Maybe if I am not in my family home it will help. My house will sell quick, so I know if I find something that wont be a problem. It’s a hard decision as I poured my heart and soul into this house. It’s an amazingly unique house that is a stand out with a oasis backyard pool I designed.

Somehow, all that now is just looking at whats missing. If that makes sense. Since I work from home now I can live anywhere. My dream would be to be on a beach front property, but not much knowledge on where to go that would be safe as a single woman. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#87: March 20, 2022, 11:54:36 PM
I’m glad that you shared your perspective on weakness, Mad!uv. I suspect that this perspective has served you very well in your life before at times.

I’m going to tread gently here bc I think there is a very good chance that you are beginning a cycle of deep grief. That this latest turn of events, and how others have reacted, has moved you to different ground than you were on before. And that throws a lot of muck in the air.

I think you might be ricocheting around right now. That you have a default to Big and Active, big emotions and strong actions. That going slow and steady might be uncomfortable for you. But reading your words from the cheap seats over here, it seems likely that this might be the new skill set you need to master. I see that you have a tendency now to being a little black and white, all or nothing, in your thinking and to think you know a lot about what others think and why. Yet life has given you the most awful flan in the face that suggests you might be wrong about some of that. Expectations about how your family was going to be after divorce, the shape of your life, the nature of your ongoing link to your xh. And maybe now some of those expectations are turning out to not be so. That’s a pretty uncomfortable place to be. Ask me how I know lol. I suspect too that - entirely reasonably - you have been a million miles from detached emotionally regardless of any proclamations you have made here and have at times mistook NC (or outer detachment) for being inner detachment. Again, entirely reasonably so early on and after such a long shared life. And why this latest news about your xh marks something different perhaps......and perhaps more loss and pain for you as you figure out what the difference is for you between an xh and an xh who is someone else’s h with a life that does not include you. Hard, hard stuff to process.

I don’t know if you are a person of faith but I remember a quote from Corinthians that spoke to me at my version of this time “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The idea that I took from the quote was twofold....that the way through was in being as honest as I could be with myself about how very weak I felt in order to access that feeling of supportive grace.....and that there was a different kind of strength to be found through working with that weakness rather than trying to outrun it or deny it.

I hope your IC can lovingly challenge you on some of this, MadLuv. If only bc it’s pretty darned difficult to heal from what we do not allow ourselves to really accept and let ourselves feel.

All of which to say that imho you should be cautious about ricocheting. Cautious about how you define weakness. And cautious about the difference between what you think and what you know. Particularly about your xh and your adult kids. If only bc our brains tend to believe what we tell ourselves we think  :) I found it quite useful, if surprisingly awkward initially, to experiment with saying ‘well, I don’t know. I think x or y, but I don’t actually know.’ and seeing what that felt like to work with  :)

I don’t know if moving is a good plan or not for you. More importantly, I suspect you may not yet be in a good position to know. Or indeed how it would affect your relationship with your family. There’s a reason why folks in the therapy trade call it ‘doing a geographical’ bc it is a pretty common displacement activity. And MLCers are very fond of it of course  :) So it sounds like a pretty good example of a thing not to ricochet about, a thing to approach slowly with a curious open mind, an opportunity to consider in the context of what difference on the outside would give you vs difference on the inside. And in the interests of honest disclosure lol, and as you might know if you have read my (many) threads  ::), I moved twice. My first post BD move was about a year or so in.....I had no idea where to go, I just knew that staying in our old house was killing me. I’m not saying it turned out to be a wrong move, well maybe not the wisest financially, but it absolutely was a running from not a running towards. My path would have been different if I had not done so. Maybe better, maybe worse....i don’t know (see what I did there lol) but different. My current move feels entirely different from that choice, even though it was forced on me by events. This one has given me the chance to see the difference, to see how far I have evolved from where I was, to be a positive choice to transplant my healed self into new soil rather than a need for a new place to heal me if that makes sense. Only you know the truth of where you think you are on that scale or what a move would give you. And what would happen if you did nothing significant other than focus on your own healing and learn who MadLuv is and the new shape of your family on the other side of all this horrific stuff.
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« Last Edit: March 21, 2022, 12:14:27 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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And to each his own…
#88: March 21, 2022, 04:15:39 AM
Treasur- as always your insight from being there is accurate. I have read your threads and story and your struggle and could feel it all and relate to so much of your pain in those first years . My thought on moving is ABSOLUTELY a running thought. A desperate MOVE to try anything and everything to be not where I an.

My trip to the ER for a suicidal need was also desperation. I have tried everything. I have lived the pain. I have wallowed in the corner, I have GAL. Pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I think the worst part for me is I have many friends, but all distant. They are not where I am. My XH being an avoidant and not really wanting to be around a lot of people has left me working from home with very little physical interactions.

I am to go on vacation on Wednesday to the Florida keys and I was so looking forward to it. Now, my head is in such a bad place I may have to cancel. This turn of events has definitely messed me up. Put me in a lost and hopeless state. Not as much about XH being married as I have been expecting it, but yet still it is unbelievable. My daughter going and spending the weekend with her Dad and his new wife after everything he has done to her and wanting so bad to be a part of his life that she drove 6 hours to see him. I am 20 minutes away and she has made no attempt to be in my life at all.

I am struggling to understand my own D31 not understanding my pain and loss . I feel my XH is getting rewarded for his behavior. Is starting life over and to be honest she cheated and left her first husband. Maybe there is and acceptance now she feels in this heavily flawed man that makes her now feel accepted and sorry for him. She said that she needed a break from both of us, yet the only one she is avoiding is me. She said she is living in the twighlight zone. I think the situation gives her much anxiety. I think he Dad does not show any emotions to her so he is easy to be around. I think there is a part of her that doesn’t want to be around me because she feels bad, if that makes sense.

The one person that feels like they are living in the twighlight zone is ME!!! I can not understand how A man I have loved for 30 years can just move on and start over , but heart wrenchingly keep me tethered  by his depression talks and needs. The only thing I do know is he has been depressed. That is not a lie. I also have the 3 EA’s he had before this one to reflect on. He is a mess. He is not in a clear head space, but I also know as weak as I feel right now . He is weaker. One of the weakest men I know. And so that is why we are here. I have therapy again this morning. I have to find a way to get past this udder desperation for some sanity in my life.

I as a sane individual can not grasp that I built a life that will never, but more importantly I do not cut people out of my life that have been in it. Yet, I know D31 and XH do. They just dont want to deal they move on. My D31 has few friends. She now isolate her H from his friends. She and her father are the same. They want to live in a bubble and have that one person feed there ego and not share with anyone else. So, the fact I am here should not be surprising. I also know my D31 can not get a long with anyone. She fights with everyone, so only a matter of time she and OW and her D’s will have a some issue.

I also know as XH is starting to be more comfortable connecting OW to his life to legitimize their relationship he will be connecting her to his siblings. My family of 30 years and my relationship with then will have to end. So, it’s so much loss and I know he has had that loss as he was more connected to my family and nieces and nephews than his. I am losing an entire family of 30 years.

So I think where I sit the news of my XH actually getting married and not respecting me enough to tell me, but to also lie about it for months and to talk to me and each conversation was a lie is hard to grasp, but to have my own D31 think its ok to not say anything. What did they think was going to happen? She is making me the unhinged person and now I feel I am that unhinged person. Not from
The situation. Although that in itself would be justified, but from the lied, deceit, and betrayal of people that I loved the most in the world.
 
I truly can not fathom how anyone can be this cruel and live with themselves . Yet, he alone continues to have ED bad enough he is onto his third specialist and also has lost his job of 38 years. So, it is showing in his life. He still shows all the classic signs of a MLC and replay, but as much as I feel I don’t know him right now. I DO!! I know he is never going to work through this. He will and does live with pain and destruction of his family. He will continue to run. He will be one of the ones to remain stuck.

I keep trying to remember the last few years with his EA’s and his complete shut down from life and know that I was not happy. I was miserable. And if I am being honest there were so many things telling me to run and this is not a husband to have anymore. The problem I think for me in the end is I don’t need him as a husband, but I dearly miss him as my friend. My best friend. Knowing I will never have his friendship is the hardest part for me, but the reality is he is not my friend at all. I am nothing to him. That is going to be a lot for me to accept, but that is what I will have to do to move on. He said a few months ago that he is trying to make decisions that only hurt him. That not matter what he does he still hurts me and that is killing him. None of his actions show ANY OF THAT, unless remember it is MLC  and the continuation of the escape and avoid and the I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! And it just comes back to that doesn’t it. MLC
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« Last Edit: March 21, 2022, 04:41:24 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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Re: And to each his own….
#89: March 21, 2022, 06:13:19 AM
Please go on the trip to FL as just the sunshine and breezes will be healing. Walks near water are very calming. You will have fellowship and get hugs.

If you can look at your exH´s actions through the lens of seeing a very depressed person, then his actions towards you are more about him being in a bubble of his own misery than him trying to actively hurt you. I get it, the levels of betrayal keep coming and you´ve not even processed the last one before another one hits. You are collateral damage in this situation. That does not lessen your pain in any way but it does allow a path for distancing yourself from the source of the pain. Knowing that interactions with him and your D cause more pain signal that a break for your own well-being would be beneficial. So, please take the trip as a self-care action.

A Kahlil Gibran quote helped me a lot- "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." That idea got me through a lot because I realized that I had a huge space for joy to enter.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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And to each his own….
#90: March 21, 2022, 06:31:40 AM
I’m glad that you shared your perspective on weakness, Mad!uv. I suspect that this perspective has served you very well in your life before at times.

I’m going to tread gently here bc I think there is a very good chance that you are beginning a cycle of deep grief. That this latest turn of events, and how others have reacted, has moved you to different ground than you were on before. And that throws a lot of muck in the air.

I think you might be ricocheting around right now. That you have a default to Big and Active, big emotions and strong actions. That going slow and steady might be uncomfortable for you. But reading your words from the cheap seats over here, it seems likely that this might be the new skill set you need to master. I see that you have a tendency now to being a little black and white, all or nothing, in your thinking and to think you know a lot about what others think and why. Yet life has given you the most awful flan in the face that suggests you might be wrong about some of that. Expectations about how your family was going to be after divorce, the shape of your life, the nature of your ongoing link to your xh. And maybe now some of those expectations are turning out to not be so. That’s a pretty uncomfortable place to be. Ask me how I know lol. I suspect too that - entirely reasonably - you have been a million miles from detached emotionally regardless of any proclamations you have made here and have at times mistook NC (or outer detachment) for being inner detachment. Again, entirely reasonably so early on and after such a long shared life. And why this latest news about your xh marks something different perhaps......and perhaps more loss and pain for you as you figure out what the difference is for you between an xh and an xh who is someone else’s h with a life that does not include you. Hard, hard stuff to process.

I don’t know if you are a person of faith but I remember a quote from Corinthians that spoke to me at my version of this time “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The idea that I took from the quote was twofold....that the way through was in being as honest as I could be with myself about how very weak I felt in order to access that feeling of supportive grace.....and that there was a different kind of strength to be found through working with that weakness rather than trying to outrun it or deny it.

I hope your IC can lovingly challenge you on some of this, MadLuv. If only bc it’s pretty darned difficult to heal from what we do not allow ourselves to really accept and let ourselves feel.

All of which to say that imho you should be cautious about ricocheting. Cautious about how you define weakness. And cautious about the difference between what you think and what you know. Particularly about your xh and your adult kids. If only bc our brains tend to believe what we tell ourselves we think  :) I found it quite useful, if surprisingly awkward initially, to experiment with saying ‘well, I don’t know. I think x or y, but I don’t actually know.’ and seeing what that felt like to work with  :)

I don’t know if moving is a good plan or not for you. More importantly, I suspect you may not yet be in a good position to know. Or indeed how it would affect your relationship with your family. There’s a reason why folks in the therapy trade call it ‘doing a geographical’ bc it is a pretty common displacement activity. And MLCers are very fond of it of course  :) So it sounds like a pretty good example of a thing not to ricochet about, a thing to approach slowly with a curious open mind, an opportunity to consider in the context of what difference on the outside would give you vs difference on the inside. And in the interests of honest disclosure lol, and as you might know if you have read my (many) threads  ::), I moved twice. My first post BD move was about a year or so in.....I had no idea where to go, I just knew that staying in our old house was killing me. I’m not saying it turned out to be a wrong move, well maybe not the wisest financially, but it absolutely was a running from not a running towards. My path would have been different if I had not done so. Maybe better, maybe worse....i don’t know (see what I did there lol) but different. My current move feels entirely different from that choice, even though it was forced on me by events. This one has given me the chance to see the difference, to see how far I have evolved from where I was, to be a positive choice to transplant my healed self into new soil rather than a need for a new place to heal me if that makes sense. Only you know the truth of where you think you are on that scale or what a move would give you. And what would happen if you did nothing significant other than focus on your own healing and learn who MadLuv is and the new shape of your family on the other side of all this horrific stuff.

Treasur, what a well written and thougtful analysis. I found myself somewhat in the traits you were describing, someone who is very black and white and often rigid. I’ve tried working on this and acknowledging that my perceptions of things aren’t the law, and that the way I see something isn’t necessarily universal. It’s a long road, letting to of expectations of others and of situations, but it’s a road I want to take. Thanks for sharing your own experience with this. This post really spoke to me and challenged me.
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#91: March 21, 2022, 09:14:27 AM
Forthetrees- my therapist agrees. So I will go on that trip. I just didn’t want to ruin it for everyone, but will do my best to clear my head set! I am doing a lot of work to get through

Shym- I agree!! Treasur always has such amazing insight. I have never been a black or white kid of gal, but I can definitely see where this has put me there. We always need that outside view and specially when it comes from a place of someone who has been therr before.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#92: March 21, 2022, 10:33:08 AM
Forthetrees- my therapist agrees. So I will go on that trip. I just didn’t want to ruin it for everyone, but will do my best to clear my head set! I am doing a lot of work to get through

Shym- I agree!! Treasur always has such amazing insight. I have never been a black or white kid of gal, but I can definitely see where this has put me there. We always need that outside view and specially when it comes from a place of someone who has been therr before.

Glad to hear you are giving yourself the gift of a change of scenery in FL.i hope you are going with at least some friends with whom you do not have to wear a ‘mask, but can just be. Being honest and vulnerable with others is not a weakness....it requires humility and strength imho and can result in a surprising kind of honest support from healthy folks who care about us. Jmo.
And thank you for the compliments, shucks  ;), but of course that all or nothing thinking is a pretty common part of any PTSD, anxiety or depression kitbag, isn’t it? We all can gain from being able to borrow a spare friendly eye while our own is a bit off-true; I know I did  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#93: March 21, 2022, 03:10:08 PM
I do think that you should go on your trip and continue to live as you have planned to. Do not let him take away anything more from your life than what he already has.
I did stay in our house after much consideration and I am very glad that I did. I considered my house an investment, I had friends and it is a lovely part of the world.
It is usually recommended not to make any large decisions for at least a year after something major happens and I would suspect knowledge that he did get married brings this time frame back to zero again regarding what you wish to do.
Ultimately it is your decision. I was fortunate to be able to stay. I needed to feel some sense of security and safety and moving to a different place just didn’t feel right for me.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#94: March 21, 2022, 10:42:40 PM
From where I sit, it looks like you might still be working through the stages of grief. My stages were not linear, nor were they in order and I circled back around to anger several times. Just remember that you do not have to make most decisions (like the house) TODAY. You can make a decision, the change your mind (three or four times) and it's OK. You can do something and enjoy it and that is ok or you can not enjoy it and that is equally OK as long as you learn a little something.

I have read so many people thinking their "entire " marriage was a lie after BD. I don't think so. In the beginning, we are reeling from the betrayal, do much so that we believe the mlc spouse's gaslighting that they were "always" unhappy. I don't believe we can go 20-30 years with someone who is miserably unhappy for ALL of it and never notice. Instead, I think something in them breaks and they try to level us by rewriting history. I had wonderful years with xh, he does not get to rewrite that for me. It was real, I felt it, I have pictures. Christmas tree hunting,, putting up,, decorating.. Halloween costumes and house decorating and trick or treating. Adventures and spelunking and rappelling. No one gets to take that from me. It was REAL, and if he didn't enjoy any of it for 20 years and didn'tbother to mention it to any of his family, what a fool. It doesn't negate the wonderful times the rest of our family had.

Running solves nothing. If you move because you are healed and ready to move on, great. If you move because you are running away from pain, the pain comes with you. Wherever you go, there you are.

I made our house my house. I built a tree out of fake vines and wisteria in the corner, added tiki torches and a cobra chair, a few tikis, and the Halloween skeleton "Bones" sits there for a good portion of the year. It's my son's favorite part when he comes home to visit. We are Hogwarts,  Raiders of the Lost Ark, Pirates of the Carribean, Craft Central, Dragons in the front yard dry creek moat, UV light radioactive looking wishing well, Fairy Garden fruitcakes. And it's all mine! Before you decide to move, think about what is all you. Then do that. JMO, as always.
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#95: March 22, 2022, 06:12:26 AM
Treasur- your thoughts all remain
Xyzcf- I am going to go. I admire your love and dedication to your family
Offroad- I am without a doubt in a new aspect of grief. So, not to freak anyone out but had a dream turned nightmare last night that has been hard to shake.

In my dream/nightmare my XH came back. There were no words spoken. Just heart felt embracing and kiss and I felt it all like it was real. So real!! Then all of a sudden a pillow was over my head and I was being smothered. Violently killed. I could not over power him. I could see in moments the angered face. I knew I was going to die.

I woke up and let me tell you I have never had anything like this happen in my life. I think it was me working through my polar opposite views of my XH. One as someone who loved me and cared for me deeply and the other who makes me feel like I am nothing and is slowly killing me with his lies and betrayal.

It’s definitely going to disrupt my ability to sleep again for a while and does show the level pain that I am battling. I am sharing, because maybe others have terrible nightmares or thoughts and don’t want others to think they are insane. Honestly this is an insane situation. I have without a doubt taken a huge dive back. I am owning that and I am also going to own my despair fully so I can feel each painful moment and hopefully move past it and heal as I move forward. Living and working through my pain with honesty has always worked for me.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#96: March 22, 2022, 07:08:17 AM
Hi Madluv,

I am sorry that you are hurting right now.   I know others have talked about dreams of the MLCer before on other threads so there may be some good feedback that others can provide.

I wanted to share that I have a similar challenge with my oldest daughter regarding her going out of her way to have a relationship with her Mom although knowing her Mom is broken.   It can be frustrating being the parent that stood for the family and provided the stability during this crazy process.  After careful thought, I found it best just to focus on my own relationship with my daughter while understanding that I can't control how my daughter reacts and the decisions she makes.   Truthfully, I know she longs for her mother's love and maybe that is why she is going out of her way.   

I can only unconditionally love my D and hope she can figure things out over time.   Hope as you give your D space, she can figure out her own issues in time.   Wishing you peace on your trip.   You deserve it.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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#97: March 22, 2022, 07:13:43 AM
I'm sorry about this next level grief, disappointment and hurt. I can't imagine. Just know I'm here, praying for you and your healing.

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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

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#98: March 22, 2022, 09:18:47 AM
Wow, I can't even imagine a nightmare like that. I probably wouldn't sleep for the next week. I only had one or two dreams involving my W, and they were relatively benign. Not optimistic, but she was just "there." No affection that I recall.
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#99: March 22, 2022, 09:41:14 AM
I would be really disturbed by that dream as well.  I frequently dream of H.  It always leaves me upset and it’s not even that bad.  Are you worried at all that he might become violent?  Maybe it is your self conscious trying to work through and really process the betrayal.  I’m sorry for the new level of grief.  I hope you can push through and heal. 
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#100: March 22, 2022, 12:32:03 PM
getting caught up a bit today after being rather busy for past couple of weeks.  H and daughter have Covid and I tested positive this morning ! Ugh!. Regardless, I read this .....

Quote
Now, back to XH .  I just talked to him last month when he got fired and on the conversation he said he did not love her and when I asked him if he was going to marry her he said he didn’t know. HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED!!!!!!!

In December he said he didn’t look forward to going home. Home didn’t feel like home. Wait,  what?????  HE WAS A NEWLYWED!!!!
I’m not sure where his head is. What is truth and what is lies. What I do know is if I was the new bride it wouldn’t matter why my new H said it. Finding out my H told anyone he didn’t love me and didn’t look forward to going home would be a huge monumental red flag.
.

and to say I was shocked is a complete understatment.  I cannot even begin to comprehend ... how is this even , who could do this?  Already married?  WTF? . I am truly so very upset by this ..I have no words . I am sorry , is meaningless.  How humans are capable of this betrayal , deceit, cowardly act, makes  me want to live on an island..alone.   

But... she ( the OW) has some problems now doesn't she ?  Problems she is not even aware of ..as life with an avoidant goes. One minute he doesn't love her etc, next minute he marries her .  She married a while sh&tpile of trouble that will not simply dissappear..will it? .   She believes whatever he told her thru his mask and really has no idea whatsoever what chaos is internal .  It will make itself known as time goes on, I truly belive that. 

I will confess to an not so attractive action on my part, involving my daughters.  I have regretted this in some ways ..but not so much in other ways. My most paralyzing fear was that one of them would betray me, lie to me or hide things from me.  Extreme profound fear...it was the worst thing ever, I swear. I would not be able to withstand one more betrayal . I found myself slowly disengaging from them , avoiding them ...because it my twisted thinking , i thought " they knew stuff that I did not know".  I could not trust them...for NO good reason other than what I imagined. I sat all 5 of them down and I sobbed out fears, threats, scenarios, consequences and deep hurt of what I "thought" they might do to me.  It was awful, just awful.  I was paralyzed with fear of what they could do to my life..my own daughters.  I did warn them without any doubts whatsoever that IF they dare hide, lie or any number of scenarios ...there would be profound and lasting consequences. I want them to see their dad and love him ( as they did) BUT... any action that was deceitful towards me , would not be forgiven. I did that . By then I had them all crying... and swearing that they would " set themselves on fire " before they would hurt me.  I was not so sure.  Not a proud action as a mother , but the fear was so extreme..I did not care.

I am sorry your daughter has disrespected you in such a way. She has no idea the depth of this hurt. She will some day I assure you.  It is true that our kids are in messy and painful positions when this happens in a family , but to blantantly hide things is incredibly painful.  It hurts, no question. I am so grateful you have a good therapist, good friends and a trip planned. Certainly it will not solve all that hurts us but it is a good start of a healing journey.    I hope you know we are all here to support you and just listen as you move forward.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#101: March 23, 2022, 04:50:11 AM
HF- I am going to give my D31 space and myself. I will try and arrange a in person sit down with her when I get to a better place with her actions. What I do know is I don't deserve how she has treated me. So, I need to come to terms with that before I talk with her again. Forgiveness from me is a must.

KB, LB & JB- Thanks you. It was traumatizing to say the least. Nothing a few nights sleeping with the lights wont help. Hopefully 🙏

Barbie- Right????  This situation gets crazier by the day. All I asked for was for THIS not to happen. I did that whole divorce my myself in lickity split time 30 DAYS all I asked was that he respect me as the mother of his children, that no matter who we are with that they know that we will remain connected through our children. I told my XH the day we stood in out kitchen and signed those papers that we should never be with a partner that doesn't respect our connection in life and through our children. If we are with anyone that tries to tell us that we can not communicate when we have children and grandchildren then that isn't a healthy relationship. That is a threatened jealous place to be. I said, it would be a red flag to me if my new partner didn’t have a civil relationship with his X. I said, your new partner should admire you for it. Otherwise, they may feel that will happen to them. Hmmmmm

I'm very sad that my S29 is in such turmoil, that my D31 is adding to his turmoil blaming him for anything her D does as his fault. It feels like its S29 and Me & D31 and her Dad. I hate that. This is when I want to sit down with him and say…do you see what is happening. How can we fix this?? Yet, we have talked. He has seen it. He is not in a mature and healthy place to deal with anyone other than those that enable him. So, S29 and I are enemy 1. My heart breaks for my S29. I just hope his father will start to find a way to connect with him. Right now it appears he can not connect with anyone by himself. He has to have OW ( wife 🤮) with him. He doesn't know hoe to adult anymore.

I am off to the beaches of the Florida Keys today. I have got myself in a better place after the tremendous shock of all this. I don't feel that deep pit of despair, but I will say where it was only taking me hours on hits to come back from this one took 3 days. Not to say I am over it, but I felt for 3 days I was not functioning. My head could not concentrate on anything other than the WTF moment of it all. I still can not believe this has happened to my life, but yet I fully believe it. If that makes sense.

What I do know is a fee things. I always bounce back. I am a really good person. Flawed but good. I am going to really start engaging in life and moving on. I took down all my social media last week and that alone has given me a lot of calm. Not having to see people celebrating their anniversaries and those dang memories coming up. I am going to focus on the here and now for a bit.

Thank you everyone for following my crazy journey while you are on your own crazy journey. It’s like we are all in a big room of recovery, but without the straight jacket and padded walls. I appreciate this room and space so much. RCR created a space that may not save all marriages, but certainly saves our sanity.
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« Last Edit: March 23, 2022, 05:12:24 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#102: March 23, 2022, 05:22:08 AM
Hi ML  :D

Climbing out of that pit..... I'm so happy for you..... now you get to really heal. When you described "three days I was non-functional"...... yes..... those super, super low points. They are so terrible, and then they are over. I don't think we ever go back to that place once it happens: the wound closes and the deep tissue begins to heal.
Actually, I think you did what your MLC'er (and all MLC'ers for that matter) refuse to do: face your deepest, darkest, most terrible fear.... and move directly thru it. How do you feel being on "the other side"? Sure there's still a giant mess, but it's all arrayed in a straight line now isn't it?  :)

I hope you enjoy your time off. You certainly deserve it.

-SS
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M - 45
Together 27 years, M 24
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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#103: March 23, 2022, 05:34:40 AM
SS
Quote
How do you feel being on "the other side"?
This hit really brought me to my/our reality. I am no longer trying to find ways to justify his actions or the place we are. Not looking for well he did this HE MUST CARE. He said this HE DOESN’T LOVE HER . He is down and upset HE NEEDS ME. I think all those somewhere deep buried in his soul all may be true, but the place he is right now??? HE WANTS TO BE EXACTLY WHERE HE IS!!!

So, I will let him have his fantasy and watch from afar as his life continues to implode. I am going to focus on my life and my kids and I am going to reconnect our family from my end. My D31 relationship has to change, but I am going to fix it. I know I paying for her pain from her father. I just have to find a way to better connect and not get drawn in to her own drama. She is a bit of a drama queen, but love her anyways 😉

Thank you for following along
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« Last Edit: March 23, 2022, 07:17:15 AM by UrsaMajor »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#104: March 23, 2022, 06:13:25 AM
Glad you’re going on your vacation break, MadLuv, and hope that it is a restorative one.

Years on - so imho rare to feel this way in the first few years - it won’t matter much if your xh is where he ‘wants’ to be, whether it’s a ‘fantasy’ or just another bit of crappy decision-making or avoidance of his issues on his part, or happy or not with the effects of his choices. What will matter, and matters now, is that where he is IS where he is. And not on your side of the street so no longer your concern or obligation.  It is reality, regardless of how you or he or anyone else feels about it. What you will find grows is that as where YOU are and want to be becomes more and more important, where he is and his feelings about it and indeed yours will grow concomitantly smaller. Like pieces of pie lol. Bigger slice for you  :) And going ahead with your FL break and bravely looking your own pain in the eye is all part of the path to that, so well done, you.  :)

Years on, much as I can still be a bit bemused about what happened to my h and my life, I spend absolutely no time at all thinking about how his new life has worked out for him. Not a jot. Bc I am more interested in mine and those I care about who are in my current life. And his happiness or health now would not change a single thing about what happened to me  or where I am now. Which is quite a nice spot to be. Never imagined I would get here, yet here I am  :)
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« Last Edit: March 23, 2022, 06:16:23 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#105: March 23, 2022, 07:17:45 AM
You’re absolutely right. Treasur

You know I often use the power of music to get me through. I ran across a song and I have played to many times to count since this last blow to my mind.
It’s called “The let go”
It has been the most powerful song to date. My now anthem if you will
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RcnUJTIyjXs
Cold as it was for a winter's day
The sun came out 'cause the sky was grey
The wolves are back, they've come to play
I thought I heard your father say
Go down to the tunnel where the Devil wants ya
Out to the street where the people hunt ya
It hurt more than it was supposed to
I was waiting for the let go
I swore I wouldn't 'til you said so
I put the pieces back together
So thank you or whatever
Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so
Waiting for the let go
Waiting for the let go
Out of the grey, into the woods
I take my chances, I know I should
When the light comes, listen closely
Follow my shadow to the old me
Mother of the moon, tell me what to do
$h!te is scary, $h!te is new
The tide is calling out for changes
Oh, what an ocean of time that we wasted
I was waiting for the let go
I swore I wouldn't 'til you said so
I put the pieces back together
So thank you or whatever
Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so
Waiting for the let go
Waiting for the let go
I had to pay for all of your bad behavior
But expensive lessons are always the best to know
I'm not waiting for the let go
Don't need any of your say so
I put the pieces back together
So thank you or whatever
Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so
Waiting for the let go
Waiting for the let go
I was waiting for the let go
I swore I wouldn't 'til you said so
I put the pieces back together
So thank you or whatever
Nothing lasts forever, man, I guess so
Waiting for the let go
Waiting for the let go
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

J
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And to each his own….
#106: March 25, 2022, 08:59:44 PM
I assume you're going to Key West as a part of your trip. Here's my Key West story:

Key West has (or at least used to have) feral roosters roaming around. Hemingway wrote about them. Like any place else, it became popular, high-falutin' people moved in, and wanted to get rid of the roosters as a menace. A place called "The Rooster Store" opened to raise money to save the roosters. (I'm not sure how, but irrelevant.)

I used to have family that lived in the Middle Keys, and I'd visit annually or biannualy. One year, friends of mine coordinated a trip with me, and we met up in Key West. They got there first, and I left the following voicemail: "Go to The Rooster Store and get me twenty dollars worth of 'I (heart) Cocks' bumper stickers. I'll explain later."

(Explanation: A few months before, someone parked about six inches from my driver side, so I had to crawl in to my car from the passenger side. For a 6'5" guy with a first-gen RX-7, that's no mean feat. I realized that person needed such a bumper sticker.)

If there's still a restaurant called the "Square Grouper," "square grouper" are bales of pot (or whatever else) that smugglers throw off of their boats while being chased by the Coast Guard.

I hope you're enjoying your trip!

JB

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And to each his own….
#107: March 26, 2022, 12:46:08 AM
JB, when I was 17 I had a Mazda RX-7.  I think mine was a 1985.  So much fun.
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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And to each his own….
#108: March 26, 2022, 06:35:25 AM
Awww JB, good story on Key West.  I am in Key West. First day was challenging as everyone gets caught up on their lives with their significant others. It’s hard when you don’t have that special someone to talk about. You don’t realize how difficult it is to even have conversations with people/friends. All conversations your significant others seep into in the most natural way. So, I fight not to say oh yeah, I know XH used to, or would have, or did so and so. So, first day was rough.

I am on a trip with 3 friends from High school or one from grade school. So many decades. One lost her husband 7 years ago after her went though what now she sees was a MLC. He started to come out and had a heart attack and passed. She has been a good ear to have away from the others at my moments of weakness during the trip, yet also don't want to pull her into a place she worked to get out of. I have used my humor to carry me through this trip to enjoy moments and time when I can.

What it has done is make me a bit scared for my future. Life goes on and as I head into my retirement years its a scary place to be alone and with my family separated and disheveled. I need to work on my own healing, but want to repair my family. It seems insurmountable. It feels XH is moving on with his choices and starting to reconnect with the kids and I see his family next.

Sometimes it feels so unfair that they seem to bulldoze though our lives and just get to start over. What makes me most sad is the years he wasted of mine while he  made sure that the relationship he is now was worth walking away. So by the time he left he felt sure, but I am standing and left behind just now working through the shock and healing. It makes sense why it’s so easy for them. They are years ahead of us. Their heads have been working through it for a long time.

I still can’t believe this once sweet loving man could want to live his life without me.  My best friend could not care of the pain he is causing me. I still really have the hardest time with it. The other day as we were headed out on the boat to tackle some deep sea fishing I sat at the back of the boat and watched as we got further and further from shore and the beauty of it all. At that moment I remember thinking who can I share this moment with. This memory. The trip. That special person you tell everything to. Who do I want to to tell? Who is the first person I want to call?

My answer…. No one. I don't have any desire to tell XH, but also there is no one else. That makes me most sad. I hope that changes, but I am smart enough to know I need to heal from this like a sane person should.

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« Last Edit: March 26, 2022, 08:01:21 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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Re: And to each his own….
#109: March 26, 2022, 07:43:29 AM
"I still can’t believe this once sweet loving man could want to live his life without me.  My best friend could not care of the pain he is causing me. I still really have the hardest time with it."

ML I think that's what we all struggled with the most.  It's so out of character for them, that's why it's such a shock to our system.

Just try to remember, after all those years, you had his youth and his children, and all those family memories.
She will never have that, what she gets is a broken, middle-aged man with a long history with someone else.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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And to each his own….
#110: March 26, 2022, 08:27:53 AM
My answer…. No one. I don't have any desire to tell XH, but also there is no one else. That makes me most sad.

Yup...
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H
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And to each his own….
#111: March 26, 2022, 03:29:43 PM
What it has done is make me a bit scared for my future. Life goes on and as I head into my retirement years its a scary place to be alone and with my family separated and disheveled. I need to work on my own healing, but want to repair my family. It seems insurmountable. It feels XH is moving on with his choices and starting to reconnect with the kids and I see his family next.

Hi Madluv,

From what I have read on both HS forum and HeartsBlessing site, the MLCer emotionally starts to reconnect with kids, family, and friends as they work to rebuild the life that they destroyed.  So what you outlined above about your XH reconnecting seems to follow that pattern.  I am starting to see a similar pattern with my XW too.   I empathize with you and miss having that person in my life to share the details of my life on a daily basis.   All I can do now is accept that my old marriage is over and look towards the future.   Just trying to focus on my life, my kids, and establishing healthy relationships.

Hope you are enjoying your trip to Key West.  You deserve so much more and things will get better over time.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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And to each his own….
#112: March 26, 2022, 08:17:05 PM
HF- He does in some ways seem to be following script in many ways and in many's ways totally not. The child he is connecting with is enabling him. The child that is not he still is not connecting with. I hope that changes. I just hope at the very least he can become the father they had again even if different. I dont have a lot of hope .
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

H
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And to each his own….
#113: March 26, 2022, 08:58:35 PM
Both of my kids also have enabled my XW and my older one has been  more protective of her.  It hurts sometimes as I have been the stable parent but all I can do is focus on me.  I have no control how my kids react and definitely no control of the craziness of my XW. 

Tough being the LBS sometimes but I know I’m doing everything I can to move forward.  That is enough for me for now.

Enjoy the Florida sunshine.  I am heading to the Sunshine State later this week.

HF

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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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And to each his own….
#114: March 27, 2022, 05:00:42 AM
I hope you are enjoying the Keys.

I just returned from a trip to the UK and was on a bus tour with 24 others.

ACCEPTANCE. I have to keep working on that. Acceptance that this is my life now. Most of the people on the tour were married couples, my age and older. When they "joke" about their long time marriages, it makes me cringe. I still do not like to use the word "divorced"...these people are strangers to me so why do I need to share my marital status with them?  So, as you said, it is difficult to enter into the conversation focusing on how difficult it is to live with their spouses who forget to pick up something from the grocery store or who fall asleep watching tv at night.

It took many years but my daughter and her father do have a "good" relationship. My daughter and I do not talk much about her conversations with him. That is theirs to have.

My relationship with her and my son in law is very good and the times I enjoy best is when we are together as a family....he sometimes joins us but it's awkward and she and I agree that when he isn't with us, it's more fun. :D

Take good care of yourself. There is still an impact for me many years later as I explore sights and places alone, wishing he would be at my side as it once was with us.

Acceptance and gratitude for the many years we did have together. They were wonderful years and I am grateful for the good memories I have of "us" and of our family.

I am going to look into some travel groups just for women. I do have a dinner group that meets weekly that is only for people who are not in a relationship and it really is refreshing just to be at ease with people who are not living a married life and who are not really that interested in finding someone new.
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« Last Edit: March 27, 2022, 05:02:30 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: And to each his own….
#115: March 27, 2022, 03:33:05 PM
While you are right in that the MLCer is way ahead time-wise in accepting the split from the LBS, I disagree that they are actually way ahead in the ultimate healing. The LBSer is blind sided and crumpled BUT usually does the internal work to heal while the MLCer moves on with the superficial pursuit of "happiness" and tends to avoid the deep reflection about what felt broken enough to blow up one´s life. That is where in the end you will be light years ahead.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

M
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And to each his own….
#116: March 27, 2022, 09:04:44 PM
Quote
Just try to remember, after all those years, you had his youth and his children, and all those family memories.
She will never have that, what she gets is a broken, middle-aged man with a long history with someone else
so true. I have no idea what goes on in his life now with his new wife, but I do know she thought she got a high executive, but that relationship cost him his job. I can’t imagine things are starting out swimmingly

Quote
Tough being the LBS sometimes but I know I’m doing everything I can to move forward.  That is enough for me for now
Agreed, exactly what I am trying to do also. I will have to let my D31 figure out things on her own

Quote
ACCEPTANCE. I have to keep working on that. Acceptance that this is my life now
yes!! His marriage is absolutely helping me with that
 
Quote
While you are right in that the MLCer is way ahead time-wise in accepting the split from the LBS, I disagree that they are actually way ahead in the ultimate healing
I had to go back and read, because I didn’t remember saying that. I in no way think they are ahead in healing. In my case my XH had been working things out and engaging in his EA for a while before leaving, so when he left he in his MLC brain / thinking thought he was sure. Unfortunately for me I had no idea of his plan. So, as far as acceptance? I think they think they are where they want to be and cant understand how we are confused. I in no way think my XH has done any healing. His life is just starting to really implode and I am through pain and self reflection on a path towards healing. Just going to take some more time I’m afraid, but this trip is my fresh start.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#117: March 29, 2022, 04:42:34 PM
I am back home after 6 days of vacation that I have to say started out rocky. It was hard to reframe my mindset, but as say 2 came I relaxed more and more and learned to remove myself from situations or conversation that made me uncomfortable or sad. The trip ended up being a great thing for me. To get out and see beautiful scenery by boat and bike ride. To laugh ( being the one who initiated most the laughs) and to cry with old friends. To be an ear also and not just the mouth.

Unfortunately, reached out to my D31 to see my GS7 and drop off souvenirs and again it turned into conflict. She said she didnt have him this weekend, but she would try an figure something out. She has him all week. So, not sure why I couldn't come over at night and drop off? She just always seems to be looking to fight with me. It gives me so much anxiety, but my IC said not to give up trying to have a relationship with my GS7 whom I have always been close.

She is just very mean and cruel to me. I really can not resolve anything if she doesn’t talk to me. She always said I should leave her Dad. Her husband said her Dad was manipulative to me. So, I am very confused now why they are embracing him and treating me as the problem. Why cant their be a relationship with us both?

So, I sent her this text and although I am sure I should not have put all I did, I did my best. I would love her to show me the same compassion she is showing her father. I really cant understand what is happening. She has failed to reply.
—————————
Text to D31
I would like a relationship with Gs7. He and I have always been close. I hope that does not have to change. You clearly have deep issues with me that you are not willing to tell me and discuss. I am going to respect that from here on out.

Now that I know your father is married I no longer feel the need to save him and so I am also moving on from all that manipulative behavior keeping me tied in. There is just so much you are unaware of. I have to give myself the compassion in this situation that I deserve and should have received with respect and honesty from my best friend of 31 years.

If you can feel the pain of your father taking other daughters to Disney, surely you can imagine my pain of being replaced so easily.

So, of course I would love to resolve our situation. I am your mother. If you look at your life I was the main one to always have your back as a parent, to create your parties, holidays, step up when you were in trouble. No one loves you more than I, but I do not want this tit for tat relationship anymore.

When your ready or if, you know where I am.
————————-
I have an appointment with my IC tomorrow. Much to go over

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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#118: March 29, 2022, 07:01:03 PM
Unfortunately, reached out to my D31 to see my GS7 and drop off souvenirs and again it turned into conflict. She said she didn't have him this weekend, but she would try an figure something out. She has him all week. So, not sure why I couldn't come over at night and drop off? She just always seems to be looking to fight with me. It gives me so much anxiety, but my IC said not to give up trying to have a relationship with my GS7 whom I have always been close.

I need some clarification here. I don't see in this interaction where she was trying to fight with you or that it was a conflict. Isn't she within her rights not to change her and her son's schedule during the week? Why is this a conflict? It may not be what you want, or what you think makes sense, but it does not make it a conflict. Is there something more I don't understand? Does she always say no, no matter what day it is? I feel like there  must be more here I don't understand, and I'd really like to.  I know the pain of feeling like the MLCer gets everything despite them being a class A jerk. I also understand the pain of the children, no matter their age, and not knowing how to traverse the minefield of crazy MLC parent and devastated LBS parent. And I also understand what it is like turning down offers of people "coming over" during the week when the kids were small, as we had a full schedule with school, activities, dinner and what not. An extra person would not have been a "nice visit". We reserved visits for weekends, maybe your D does too?

I hope your IC can give you some insight.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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And to each his own….
#119: March 29, 2022, 07:58:07 PM
Off road- this has been going on for a year. I stayed home with my GS7 and watched him full time until he started school. When my XH left she stopped coming over and bringing him over less and less. I think with the family aspect not there it wasnt as appealing and she was getting married. My past journalling shows the slow breakdown of out relationship. Her Dad avoided her for a year and since married has seen her cmas, bday and she went to stay with he and his wife for 2 days recently. However I live 20 minutes from her and she didnt not answer to go eat for her bday and is verbally abusive and cruel to me.

I could have dropped off the gifts at anytime this week or next weekend when she had him. I have asked to see him once a month and she said for sure and then hasn’t  gotten back with me. I asked again and she said ok, then nothing. Today, I asked if I could bring the gifts over and she said she will try and figure something out.
So, there was a lot of exchange and I did not post it. She has a lot of anger with me and refuses to talk to me, but has no problem forgiving her dad. My IC thinks she and my XH both have trauma induced personality disorders and inferiority complexes when it comes to me. I have showed my IC the interactions and she said she has as much work to do has XH and they are both immature in their coping skills. She has advised me to try to not lose my relationship with my GS7 but that my D31 is not healthy for me st this time.  Until she also does some soul searching.
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#120: March 30, 2022, 09:02:07 PM
Today was a good day. I reached out to my daughter and decided I would just start chatting on service level nothings. She didn’t respond at first, but then started to engage. Then she chatted back and forth all day. I finally feel that I have found a way to reach her. I feel hope that I can turn this relationship around. That she has missed chatting with me.

Went to therapy today and am pulling back to every other week. I told my therapist that finding out my XH got married brought me to my rock bottom. Not due to the marriage, but the deceptions and lies and manipulating along the way. I have come to acceptance of the situation. That I am not a second choice or an option, nor am I to be used for his ego or safety net and then discarded without explanation.

She said that I am doing the work he isn’t. I am facing it all and he isn’t and he may never, so I now can focus on me and rebuild my family from my side and thats what I intend to do. I know it’s a long road ahead, but I feel hope. Finally hope
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#121: March 30, 2022, 10:00:58 PM
I’m so happy for the good day you’ve had, MadLuv! The work you are doing on yourself, and the outreach to your D, both are signs that you continue to be on a healthy path. Keep that hope alive, and keep taking these steps forward. Sometimes the steps will be large, sometimes small… but all of it (and even the things that feel like steps backward) are important parts of your growth and healing.
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And to each his own….
#122: March 31, 2022, 04:44:04 PM
Thank you, Curiosity. It’s hard for us all to go through it all, but better than going around it. They were not kidding when they said it gets worse before it gets better. Holy Moly!!!!
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#123: April 03, 2022, 01:14:35 PM
Sometimes things come up that you have not reflected on before. Maybe as more dust settles you can see more clearly. I took my FB down after the discovery of my XH marriage. My D31 was going for a visit to see him and I really did not want to see it all. I brought my FB back up to post my own vacation for documentation and saw my daughter had posted in fact some pictures and videos. One that made me reflect was she was videotaping the local lake swan ( he was my fav) he had walked up to the deck to eat.

On the deck was the huge tree carved college mascot I had done for him for his 50th bday. I spent month planning it. Having it designed and carved and shipped from the state it was made to ours. Had a cake made to match it and had it all at work for a morning meeting to surprise him. It was a 1k gift. Very large and very heavy and very cool.

The morning of the surprise I never heard from him. The co-worker I worked with sent me the video so I knew it had happened. I finally called and he said he hadn't had a chance to call me( not true) I was so hurt. He told me then it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. I found out later that he told the Unreciprocated EA that he was furious I did it. That I knew he hated parties and attention. She told me that years later when I found the phone and messages to her and the EA that she did not reciprocate.

When he went to move I said I assume the mascot is staying? He said no, I’m taking him. I have really grown to love him. I was shocked. He could hardly stand to look at it.  So, I see this now sitting on his deck and think… why did he want this? It screams my XW did this incredible gift that I didn’t appreciate and I am running from any memory of her. I don’t know. It really made me think. Why did he take it? If I was the new wife I would not want it there. It’s as baffling as everything else. It doesn’t make sense, but just another thing that makes you go, hmmmmmmm
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« Last Edit: April 03, 2022, 01:15:43 PM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#124: April 03, 2022, 09:12:44 PM
It’s weird to see that they are still irrational after so long.  Mine took a blanket I made him and a few other things that seem really weird to have around another woman.  They are nuts.  He also took things that remind him of other things in his life he’s completely turned his back on.  I don’t understand it but I don’t think he does either. 
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#125: April 05, 2022, 05:56:32 AM
While in the keys my friend had my reading done. I have to say she was spot on. Said that my energy was of a creative person that also puts others first. I was intelligent and could accomplish anything I set my mind to.

She said that she saw anxiety with a daughter and concern for a son, but that I had raised them and done my job and that I could leave them to handle life now. She also said she saw love coming back to me, but I had to be very patient as it was going to take a while and that I needed to focus on me and when the time is right it would come.

Now the really interesting part. Later in the evening I went to look at my watch for the time and it had stopped. It stopped when I was having my reading. The watch my XH bought me on out last anniversary trip together. We went to a jewelry store and they replaced the battery and it still wouldn’t work. They said, I’m sorry it’s broke. How crazy is that????



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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#126: April 06, 2022, 03:40:30 AM
Saw this as a response to someone asking if they themselves are having a MLC on a question and answer forum. To good not to share. Happy Wednesday everyone

You begin to resent your partner and blame all your problems on them ( blame projection).Everything in your old life bores you and you yearn for your youthful carefree days of no responsibility.

You experiment with risky behaviours and like it as it relieves your boredom ( depression) by giving you excitement and a serotonin high. You like the high sooo much you take more risks for the high to return, before you know it your a serotonin junkie spiralling out of control.You eventually take the ultimate risk as you rebel against your overbearing, authoritarian long term significant other ( more blame projection on your part).

YOU deserve better out of life and you fall into an affair with someone way down the food chain but it doesn’t matter as it’s what you want that counts. They are a better fit than your long term partner because they really into you ( can’t believe their luck) and listen intently to your every word without criticising (rose tinted glasses).

Soooo the serotonin keeps on flowing and the relationship gets physical and now the dopamine ( love drug) is flowing as well and your Euphoric. The love you should be directing towards your long term partner (LTP) gets given to your new Soul Mate ( neglect). Your LTP begins to have a gut feeling about things and begins asking you toooo many questions which irritates you and you leave them and move in with the affair partner.

Now overtime say around 2 to 3 years on average, someone steps on the rose tinted glasses and shatters them ( reality sets in ). You or they begin to regret actions hastily taken while under the influence of hormonal rushes and want out of the relationship as you now realise your not compatible. So you think of your options, get another partner or crawl back to your abandoned LTP who suddenly seems an easier bet ( target).You reach out with an olive branch to your LTP only to find it’s been set on fire and has a message attached which says words to the effect of “go swivel cheater pants”.

You suddenly have a sick feeling in your stomach and the realisation that you are the author of your own destruction and everything you worked for all those years has been reduced to ash by a situation you caused and there’s no way back.If any of this sounds familiar to you my friend I would go to see your Doctor for a hormone check before it’s too late.
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2022, 10:01:25 AM by Thunder »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#127: April 06, 2022, 04:54:54 AM
That was an excellent read. Thanks for posting.
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#128: April 06, 2022, 07:45:00 AM
Well that sounds pretty spot on.
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#129: April 06, 2022, 09:40:45 AM
I agree, pretty spot on! But I wouldn't go blaming it in hormones so quickly. I think it mostly comes from a lifetime of avoiding either dealing with things or taking responsibility for their actions.

That could have been me too, but I only went through a transition!

I had all sorts of cool toys and games and stuff I bought for some low key replay (I guess literally in this case).

I eventually got rid of them in frustration when I wanted to pull out of it! S never lets me forget it either 😂
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« Last Edit: April 06, 2022, 09:42:13 AM by gman242 »

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#130: April 06, 2022, 01:47:19 PM
Gman- Oh, totally agree. My XH had testosterone drop and was also an avoidant. So, absolutely!!!  You probably have a wealth of information you could share on it all
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#131: April 06, 2022, 02:19:30 PM
Quote
I agree, pretty spot on! But I wouldn't go blaming it in hormones so quickly. I think it mostly comes from a lifetime of avoiding either dealing with things or taking responsibility for their actions.
.

I completely agree with G-man .  I have said this to my H and he has just stared at me although in the past he has agreed with that statement.  Avoidant personalities seem to store boxes and boxes of resentments , unspoken complaints , un-met needs and mountains of things that they said they were "fine" about...but were not.  They are full of fear and that is the bottom line in my marriage.  Fear of relationships as that is where their trauma is rooted.  They seem to lack courage to change... unless there is some kind of internal transition or "awakening". 
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#132: April 06, 2022, 05:52:13 PM
Thanks for posting that!  :D

Excellent!

-SS
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 27 years, M 24
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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#133: April 07, 2022, 11:08:34 AM
Ok crazier things may have happened, but my watch that stopped while having my psychic reading where the psychic said love was coming back to me but I had to show MUCH patience?? Well, I decided to throw the watch away. It was a gift my XH bought me on a vacation for our last anniversary together. So, remembered I threw it in my purse. Went to pull it out the throw it away and it’s working. Not sure when it started, but the time was exactly 2:10 when I pulled it out. 2/10 is the date of our divorce. I do believe in signs. The fact it stopped while having the reading and started back up after being told it was unfixable and then the time being the date of our divorce. I feel it all means something. Only time will reveal what.  Signs are just like those gut feelings. You just know something is right, wrong or about to happen. IMHO 😉

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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#134: April 07, 2022, 11:48:33 AM
How strange that it worked out that way.  Sometimes I feel like we are given signs too.  I just wish I knew what they meant at the time and not in hindsight. 
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#135: April 08, 2022, 08:16:35 AM
ML, I cannot imagine how painful it is that your H even married the OW. I don’t know myself how I would react. Maybe like I did when I was a child, just block the pain and try to erase it in my memory.

As for financials, I have a good job but I just can’t work 100% right now because my school is small and the subjects I can teach aren’t that many. Plus I am in a country where English is not the language. It was tough what I had to go through when I came here. I had to study all over again to be able to practice my profession here. So basically those years, I didn’t have any income nor any contribution to my pension. I haven’t been working that long since I had to study the language before I could even do the qualifications here. That’s my worry. I know deep inside I can make it through. I have always been in fighter since I was a child and I guess I‘ve just been fighting for me ever since my father abandoned us. So now, I have to go through this again, it is extremely hard because I feel like I don’t have the energy anymore to continue fighting and moving against the tide. I feel like the universe has punished me.

I needed to read a lot of the threads to help me steady myself and to remind myself I will be ok at the end of all of this. Right now I just want to curl up in bed and wish this was just a nightmare.
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Me 46
H    48
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final

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#136: April 08, 2022, 09:37:27 AM
Dragonfly, I totally understand. I just now look forward to my time off or weekends and then they come and I am unmotivated to do what I thoughts
 I wanted to do, because sometimes I just have whats the point ( attitude )  I am going to tackle retiling my shower this weekend. I’m going to do it. Even if I fail. I have to pull an old het tub out as well. I’m a smart woman. Im going to start using those smarts again. We just have to reinvest in ourselves. We have invested our lives in others and we feel a little cheated for it. Understandably.

My biggest hurdle of all this was Family is everything!!! I didn’t have a choice in the dismantle of it, but try to see that maybe he didn’t either. We are the stronger person and we will make it through!!
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#137: April 08, 2022, 10:01:32 AM
It sounds like you are a strong woman. Our BD is just a year a part and I guess it’s still early on. We are put in this situation where we didn’t really have a choice but to try to keep moving forward no matter how hard it is. Hugs to you.
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Me 46
H    48
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final

M
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#138: April 08, 2022, 10:19:48 AM
Yes, I moved my husband out in Jan 2018 due to lack of communication, but I feel my official bomb drop as nov 2020. We continued to see each other daily, ate together, shared our home and the new apartment and he moved back in October 2020. I have been through the death of our daughter which was really the catalyst for his depression. I think this has been harder then getting through my daughters death and I dont say that easily. This situation seemed avoidable if it weren’t for a weak man’s refusal to look inside himself.

Good bless is all. We have been and continue to be tossed around by the tornado that is MLC. Thank god we have the brains for the rebuild
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#139: April 08, 2022, 03:13:58 PM
I agree with that! It's really a shame, honestly, were so willing to do the work and they aren't! I guarantee we'll know better next time around!

I'm also a believer in signs. I see 242 everywhere. So much I put it in my name!
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#140: April 10, 2022, 06:01:55 AM
Gman- Do you ever wonder if we start noticing it because now we are looking for it or if it is really a sign? Monkey braining again… hahaha

So, it’s been 2 months of NC  ( nada, none) for the first time ever with my XH that is now married????  We have always had some business that has come up and had to have at least an email. It’s such a strange place to be. I finally feel it all truly slipping away. The more we are not in contact the more the relationship seems to lose it’s importance and significance in a way. I am seeing more of the negative than the positive. Not sure if that is normal or if it just seeing it all for what it was.

The relationship was good, but the past 10 years of his depression certainly was harder on me that I realized and now I am seeing that. It is a little sad to see it all fade away. Maybe thats why we hold on for so long. Wishing for it not to be. Not that I diminish the relationship. We were a great team and we built an envied life and he certainly is not living that now. What I have realized is that he really is gone right now. I don’t know who he is and I really can only hope he works through his FOO and reconnects with his S29. It is just the worst part for me.

I have been reaching out to D31 daily for idle chit chat and that is going well. She did try and bring me into her issues with S29, but I am not engaging in that. Have a outing planned with GS7 next weekend. I feel like I am moving forward and have a solid plan for GAL and also staying away from this drama and rebuilding our family minus XH. 

I finally feel ok with being alone for a while and getting back to my healthy head space. I did not cause this all. I finally get it and it can all make you feel crazy and I am not crazy. I think at 59 it was a terrible age for this to happen ( any age is difficult)  as you are right at the time to retire and then BAM!!! I dont really have the desire to start over and learn someone knew with all their baggage. So, love will have to find me when I am open to it or it never will. That remains to be seen, but no longer something I am worried about.

 I definitely think at first I was mad he already replaced me and here I am alone.  That he was using me for his emotional security blanket while planning his future was a hard thing the grasp ( or just shows the turmoil of MLC) I don’t feel that way now. They are both so damaged. They are actually perfect for each other right now. He went from 30 years of marriage to remarried in 9 months and fired. Things are not going swimmingly in his love shack. She also thought she had a catch. High executive spending  loads and  taking her all over the world in his high energy replay stage.  Now they are going no where.

 I think Limerance now should start to fade and reality kick in. Will he stay with her forever? Possibly. I just think with all the obstacles ( especially his S29 not willing to deal with her) they have reality about to bite. I hope his fog will lift. Even if he remains with her. I really want him to be the father to his kids they deserve and put them above her kids at the very least. I think the next 6 month to a year will reveal a lot on that. ( yea I know… green/elbow.. who knows. Haha )

What I do know is that I am finally on a different path than he is. I have no idea what the future holds but I am no longer standing still. I am engaging again in my life and my kids and he has chosen to not be a part of that anymore and I accept it. It took so long to see and accept who he is for now vs who he was. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to keep it from happening and I finally have stopped kicking myself on that and also trying to fix what is already done. It really is the hardest part to get through. Just acceptance of this is where you are. Now what are you going to do?? I am going to LIVE ❤️
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« Last Edit: April 10, 2022, 06:24:01 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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#141: April 10, 2022, 08:05:36 AM
WooHooo ML!!  ;D

Beautiful  8)

Forward, always forward!! So happy to see you marching on.

He'll catchup or he won't. Sounds like they are in for a very rough couple of years.... you know what they say: "You get what you pay for".
Not to wish ill on anyone...... rush into something, you get rushed results. Poor planning and decision making.... big price to pay for that.
So glad you are not tethered to that mess.

-SS
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W - 42
M - 45
Together 27 years, M 24
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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#142: April 10, 2022, 12:31:10 PM
Glad you're pushing on, ML. I tend to believe in signs too, but like someone said about fortune cookies, I believe the signs that I like, and ignore the bad ones. ;)

Keep on dancin'!

JB
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#143: April 11, 2022, 06:18:09 AM
SS andJB- exactly!!! Some things you invest in are bad business decisions and some bad personal decisions. I think I know where XH lands. Also, hahahah JB that is for sure. What ever it takes!! Look for the positive and ignore the negative. Super sane though process if you ask me 😉
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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And to each his own….
#144: April 11, 2022, 07:03:53 PM
The roads they (MLC'ers) pave will ultimately lead straight to the hell they create.  The path you have now chosen is guaranteed to lead to a much better place without him.
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M
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And to each his own….
#145: April 12, 2022, 09:18:56 AM
Thank you BB

As always I like to share finds that help me and not sure Why I had not seen this one. If you haven’t read BBhelp’s journaling. It has so much info and insight for standing or not standing. A little something for everyone on just moving forward!

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0
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« Last Edit: April 12, 2022, 09:20:13 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

M
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And to each his own….
#146: April 17, 2022, 08:00:27 AM
Happy Easter everybody!!  I’m having a great weekend of demolition on my bathroom. My father taught me well. If it can be done, it can be done by you! I have been dumbing myself down long enough to help a insecure man feel better about himself. I finally feel like I am again free to be the self confident gal I once was again. Taking on projects and getting them done and not feeling bad about my “I can do anything” mentality.

So, tackling a bathroom remodel. Started with the demolition of a jetted tub which I was able to get out a lot of built in anger out on. That stone was heavy and not easy to demo and the trash men were not happy about picking up. Then shower tile removal and now ripping out the old backer boards. This has kept me very busy and in between have relaxed and watched some movies. I feel just so, well OK!!! If that makes sense. If this is detachment I am all about it. Feel like my life is finally moving forward. It’s about time!!!

 
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H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

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And to each his own….
#147: April 18, 2022, 11:04:21 AM
How's the bathroom refurb going?

I need to redo mine too. 15 years of xw and I both using it has really taken it's tool.

I want to put in a tub with jets in it! I see myself using it quite a bit. But I'll be on the same path as you! The old tile needs to come out, re do the floors, new vanity and everything.

Kudos to you for taking it on, all by  yourself! You can do it!
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J
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And to each his own….
#148: April 18, 2022, 11:29:25 AM
So, tackling a bathroom remodel.

I'm going to be REEEEEEALLY happy when I finish sanding and repainting this stupid deck... If I were staying, I'd just have it replaced with concrete, but not worth it if I'm leaving.
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M
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And to each his own….
#149: April 23, 2022, 04:13:01 AM
Gman- remodel is moving along. All demo is done and now I am trying to pick tiles. I hated the jetted tub. Trying to decide if I just want a huge walk-in shower or add a free standing tub.

JB- don’t blame you. I would not invest time and money either if moving

I get my GS7 today for a sleepover!! Whoop whoop. Very excited. D31 has been chatting more and I am hoping we are headed in a better direction. S29 has been very quiet. Very concerned for him, but I have talked and offered and he knows where I am if he needs me. I don’t think his Dad is still in contact or if he is I doubt it is much via text. I dont ask. I can’t imagine how it is to not have your Dad in your life for 16 months after him being in it everyday for 28 years. Well, I guess I do. I am living the spouse version of that. Haha

I saw something on an old thread by luvyourself I wanted to share for newbies. It really is spot on :) have a great weekend everyone

Detached, you give him freedom to figure it out on his own...this isn't your H anyway, let him go so he can find his way. He already feels a great deal of guilt for the pain he's causing you, those feelings of guilt turn into anger towards you because you are the reason he's feeling them.  Detachment gives him rest from those feelings so he can focus on what's really important....moving through the tunnel.  Detached, you are choosing to step into your own journey.  Attached you are constantly worried about what he's doing, did I say the right thing, did I say the wrong thing, should I have done this or that...you are driving yourself CRAZY.  Find a hobby. Exercise--this is what I did. Go to counseling. Go to church
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« Last Edit: April 23, 2022, 04:15:49 AM by MadLuv »
H-54 W-58 at BD2 M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect
Aug 2016 promo requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018-I force moved out
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA in 2017-H  agrees to therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by ow)
Sept ‘18  2nd Home in new state bought for job
Oct 2018 H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip H move to 2nd home.OW4
Dec 10 ‘20 div filed/H buy prom ring 12/12
Feb 10 ‘21  div final
March ‘21  H & OW on vaca get secretly engaged
July 2021  married OW(find out May‘22)
Oct 2021   XH moves in OW(already married,tells nobody)& SD1
Feb 2022  XH is fired -vanisher
Aug 2022. XH moves in 2nd SD2
Dec 2022. XH starts communication after 1Omths
Dec-current  frequent communication

b
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And to each his own….
#150: April 23, 2022, 06:35:21 PM
Madluv.. The is nothing as rewarding and a emotional release than a good renovation. I do it practically on an ongoing basis in this 120 year old house. It has gotten me thru many hard days , provided distraction and a good physical workout. And at the end you have a new and lovely room. It is my "hobby" and really nothing I cannot do now. Today I tackled old attic stairway . Peeled off about 10 layers of really old wallpaper , did some patching and then off shopping for a new light.  Took most of this rainy day and back at it tomorrow. It truly is rewarding and helps with "think time " which is incredibly valuable to me.  Congrats on tackling such a big project !

Detachment. A word I initially struggled with ..well, came to actually hate the word.  It felt like no one actually understood the pain I was in . To keep telling me to detach?. It was impossible for years , and I tried . It is an extremely hard concept...seems the opposite of what I "should be doing or wanted to do".  It just made no sense to me.  Two things were said to me that finally helped me move into a place of true detachment.   

Finally understanding that failure to practise full detachment is very poor " SELF care ". Now think about that. I could ( and did) ruminate, wonder, examine every word, should I do this, what did he mean?, maybe I will do this, never should have said that, I wonder where he is ? ..and on and on and on. All for NOTHING because I had no control over him whatsoever anyway. I was truly feeling very close to a mental collapse . Nuts. 

When a therapist told me it interrupts and sabatoges good selfcare and prevents you from walking your own path, I started to think about it differently. Slowly but surely I started to move into a place of detaching from him. Secondly , the more I practised the more introspective and "quiet" I became.  Less reactive ...and I was desperately ragefully reactive , for a very long time. I needed calm , quiet solitude and space to think and decide who I wanted to be now.  Detachment is peaceful and accepting , it is calm and reflective. It feels like I am finally in control of myself and I can make choices that are in MY best interest. Detachment is for ME. 

Even though he is here , I continue to practise what I have learned about detachment .  He came back nuttier than when he left and with 100 times bigger problems to deal with.  The utter devastation, the indecision about staying in this marriage ( again...for years), the rage, the hurt and add a little PTSD and destroyed trust ...all makes for explosive profoundly painful emotions ..from both of us.  If I had it to do again, I won't. 

I can honestly say that learning to detach and walk away has saved me . The detachment skills have taught me many valuable lessons and given him space to reflect ( hopefully) on some of his thinking.  I have found calm places for myself by refusing to engage in what I see as very emotionally immature , lack of insight and short sighted thinking man . Some of it is just shocking to be honest. But i have read enough to know the consequences in adults that are raised in severe abuse and trauma. He is textbook . And I can't change that. So I no longer try. I too am all about detachment !
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« Last Edit: April 25, 2022, 06:24:03 PM by Thunder »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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And to each his own….
#151: April 25, 2022, 04:12:33 AM
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« Last Edit: April 25, 2022, 06:30:06 PM by Thunder »
Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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