[MadLuv]

So my 1098 for my mortgages got forwarded to my XH die to his USPS forward mail. Since his name was on the old mortgage first. I had to email him to ask for it. No reply. Forwarded again and asked..no reply. So I call the mortgage company who did not want to give it to me, because he was the “primary” person on the account. That really frustrated me. We were equal owners of the mortgage but because the man is listed first he is the only one that could have the information??? Well, after 2 hours I got them to give it to me.

I email back my XH and said, no worried. I got it. No need to send. 45 minutes later he scans and sends it over. Ughhh. I feel he was pushing my buttons, but that’s ok. Just ignored it. Then NFL ticket renewal came today. Great!! Now I have to contact him again as his card exp was past. Emailed that…he did send that over right away. Whewwwww. Then RMH emailed on serving lunch for families  of sick children on our daughters anniversary of her death next month.
Again, now for the 3rd time I have to email him on if he is participating or will we cater and he pay half. No response. Now, this is on our daughter that passed away. We do it 2 times a year. Bday and her death.

So, after 48 days of no contact I had to email him on 3 things today. Now, he baited me. He knows if he doesn’t respond I will call. We have never in 32 years not had contact for 48 days. Even if I went 30 days with not calling we would have a email or text about something here and there. When I cut him off and then need to teach out he punishes me by delayed or no response.  In the past that would make me call. I did not break today. I did not call. It is frustrating that they have to act like selfish whining teenagers. It would be nice to be able to send an email and get a response on business things and not have to play games. I will never get it. They almost make you feel like you left them by the way they respond.

Good news is at least all that came on one day and now I dont have to communicate until May to pick our NFL games for the season.
So big win today on not being baited into a call. Feel relieved. 

[xyzcf]

There seems to always be something that will require contact. That is why I am not a big fan of feeling that we must not have contact with them...because it puts a "expectation" on us that creates angst when we do have to get in touch with them.

They may not necessarily respond back to us. Kind of like a teenager ignoring their mother. Or it doesn't seem to matter to them. I would not say it is purposeful or even conscious...their brains are like swiss cheese.

Recently, my husband  enrolled in medicare. I have been on medicare for 2 years and have been paying my premiums through electronic deductions from my bank account. For some reason, those EFT's were cancelled without any notification to me and his account was being charged for both of us.

It wasn't his fault but bureaucracy sometimes messes things up and that's a problem that we must deal with and we have been separated for 12 1/2 years. He set up his account with his address and his bank account but they cancelled mine in the process.

Fortunately, because we have remained in some contact over the years he notified me right away. He had already contacted them to correct the amount that was being taken from his account. I had to contact medicare and pay the premium using a credit card for that month and I would not have had any idea that my premium had not been covered.

Good news is at least all that came on one day and now I dont have to communicate until May to pick our NFL games for the season.

That's an expectation. You may or may not have to contact but what would it feel like to be able to say to yourself the next time contact occurs that is really doesn't matter? Deal with it and continue living your life.

I know that this works for me. I don't attach any meaning or significance to these types interactions.

[MadLuv]

Xyzcf- I get what your saying. I think communication and manipulation has been so heavy that I needed to break some cycles and set some boundaries for myself. He has to see a difference and he has to be respectful of me. So, if I have to contact him I will, but I try to resolve things now all at once to minimize the contact. He needs to live the life he chose and he was constantly using me as a security blanket. Hopefully with these now long breaks in between contact it will not matter when the contact has to take place.

It is all about my healing and leas about anything else. I finally feel relatively sane for the first time in a year without him in my ear with his sadzzzzzz.

[MadLuv]

My XH got fired from his job today. We worked together. Moved several states. Worked for the company for decades. Our kids work there. He left the marriage. Moved in coworker a year later and 3 months later they fired him.

I saw it coming. Tried to help. Tried to warn him. Now he is with OW that has uses him for his status and money and has no idea the depths of despair he has been in as she has been his escape, but ultimately the relationship cost him his job. She has no idea how to help him through this.

So much lost. Tomorrow would be 1 year anniversary of our divorce. And next month is the anniversary of our daughters death. I do not see him making it through this. My daughter is angry at us both. Not sure why me, but think it is misdirected anger. My son when I told him he said. We all have to answer for our choices. He loves his Dad but I think he saw it coming as well.

It’s all such a tragedy. Not sure how the story will go from here, but I’m concerned to turn the page. The chapters just seem to be getting worse. I however am much stronger and know I will make it through all this. Not counting on my alimony, even though he has plenty of 401k money and Im sure a nice severance package. Tomorrow will be a day of adjusting all my finances as I made sure if this happened I could and would be fine. What a crazy year this has been. Seems fitting on the year of the divorce being final that this major event would happen. Maybe this will be his wake up call, but I am thinking it may be his demise. I pray its not

[barbiedoll]

Sorry to hear that Torn, but then again "if you accept the behaviour then you accept the consequences".  Its all on him . Another thing for him to clean up as he is a big boy now.  I am curious when you say 

She has no idea how to help him through this.

.  What do you mean by this?   What "help" will he require?.

[MadLuv]

Barbie- he is with someone below him. she would have no idea how to help him figure his next move, handle finances or emotionally help him as they have been living a fake life. He has not told her of his suicidal thoughts. His deep despair. She doesn’t know of his multiple affairs. She is 47 and has a maturity level of a teen herself. Both her daughters are being sued by apartments complexes for not paying their rent. She saw a meal ticket and she jumped at it and didn't think of the consequences and it cost him his job. He is responsible, but so is she.

They have not lived real life. She has no idea he has lived beyond his means to fill a void while taking the ego boost of filling all her dream. Now all that is coming to an end. He said he is only happy with her when they are doing activities and never just being together  at home. She has no idea he left his family out of disgrace and he self loaths himself. She is about to see a crumbled man. A man she has not seen . This job was everything. It was a last thing that gave him status and worth.

She also works there. Now she has to go back to work and people will talk. Its a small town. I guarantee he will not be leaving the house. He wont want to face anyone. He needs to work to keep his head distracted, but he wont be able to job search. He is not me tally going to be able to focus for that. I think she will call into work for the next 2 days and stay with him, but then I assume the tough things will come. He doesnt have a job there. She will was to move back to Texas where her daughters are. She will aak to get transferred back, but here everyone knows they had an affair and now he is fired. She messed up her life royally as well now.

I dont know how this will play out, but he has clinical depression and this he may not survive without the right person by his side ( and it would still be iffy )  and she isnt it. I am very concerned for his life. In the end I did all I could and I have told him we love him and are here for him. That’s all I can do.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Torn,
I am sorry to hear about XH and can empathize as I was recently let go from my job.  It’s definitely a difficult time and hopefully your XH can face his poor decisions.   Tough to watch our former spouses struggle and all we can do is let go and hope for the best.

HF

[Schratz66]

Wow Torn and I am sorry about him losing his job and you are right - those OW do not know how to get them through because they only see the carefree teenage version of them instead of the struggling, depressed mess they really are. If my MLC did not have money I guarantee OW would not even have given him the time of day....meanwhile the money never mattered to me.

Secretly though I kind of smile though that your MLC has to hide in his house now or face reality that he messed up and his mess cost him his job. They are truly crazy

[MadLuv]

Thank you HF&S66

Im so sorry about your job loss HF. My XH is due to consequences from his MLC. Im suprised it didnt happen sooner. But it is devastating still.

S67- there is a part of me that is FINALLY a wake up call!!! Im thinking with OW there it is only going to get worse. I have been in a fog for the last 24 hours hurting for my XH friend. Not XH husband, but friend and father of my kids. I wish I knew how he would handle this. How this is going to continue to affect my kids.

Today is my 1 year anniversary of our divorce that was finalized 3 months after he left. Things just keep happening so fast. No he has no choice but to slow down. For a man that has been in high energy replay with vacations and spending what happens? I will have no insight. It’s just a strange place to sit. For the first time in a long time I feel devastation to some degree again on this. The final destruction of a life built. To have so much and for it to all be gone in one year.

MLC is a devastating illness with ripple affects that will last many decades later in some way or another.

[barbiedoll]

MLC is a devastating illness with ripple affects that will last many decades later in some way or another.

.

No question that this is true. Unless you live it you cannot begin to imagine the damage and consequences to so many.  The MLC rarely seems to have an forethought or portal into the future whatsoever. They live in this moment...what will make ME feel better RIGHT NOW . Seems OW's do not have this insight either .

It just could be that this will push him ever closer to the "bottom"...although I sure would not be surprised if it does not. But maybe.  So hopefully he is not helped in anyway whatsoever that makes that hit just a bit softer. He needs to fully feel the consequences of all the choices he has made in the past few years without any assisstance from anyone else. These are natural consequences that we all must face. Perhaps it is a good thing that OW is ill-equipped to "help" him and he must face his life on his own.  Leave him to it with no interference whatsoever.