Madluv.. The is nothing as rewarding and a emotional release than a good renovation. I do it practically on an ongoing basis in this 120 year old house. It has gotten me thru many hard days , provided distraction and a good physical workout. And at the end you have a new and lovely room. It is my "hobby" and really nothing I cannot do now. Today I tackled old attic stairway . Peeled off about 10 layers of really old wallpaper , did some patching and then off shopping for a new light. Took most of this rainy day and back at it tomorrow. It truly is rewarding and helps with "think time " which is incredibly valuable to me. Congrats on tackling such a big project !
Detachment. A word I initially struggled with ..well, came to actually hate the word. It felt like no one actually understood the pain I was in . To keep telling me to detach?. It was impossible for years , and I tried . It is an extremely hard concept...seems the opposite of what I "should be doing or wanted to do". It just made no sense to me. Two things were said to me that finally helped me move into a place of true detachment.
Finally understanding that failure to practise full detachment is very poor " SELF care ". Now think about that. I could ( and did) ruminate, wonder, examine every word, should I do this, what did he mean?, maybe I will do this, never should have said that, I wonder where he is ? ..and on and on and on. All for NOTHING because I had no control over him whatsoever anyway. I was truly feeling very close to a mental collapse . Nuts.
When a therapist told me it interrupts and sabatoges good selfcare and prevents you from walking your own path, I started to think about it differently. Slowly but surely I started to move into a place of detaching from him. Secondly , the more I practised the more introspective and "quiet" I became. Less reactive ...and I was desperately ragefully reactive , for a very long time. I needed calm , quiet solitude and space to think and decide who I wanted to be now. Detachment is peaceful and accepting , it is calm and reflective. It feels like I am finally in control of myself and I can make choices that are in MY best interest. Detachment is for ME.
Even though he is here , I continue to practise what I have learned about detachment . He came back nuttier than when he left and with 100 times bigger problems to deal with. The utter devastation, the indecision about staying in this marriage ( again...for years), the rage, the hurt and add a little PTSD and destroyed trust ...all makes for explosive profoundly painful emotions ..from both of us. If I had it to do again, I won't.
I can honestly say that learning to detach and walk away has saved me . The detachment skills have taught me many valuable lessons and given him space to reflect ( hopefully) on some of his thinking. I have found calm places for myself by refusing to engage in what I see as very emotionally immature , lack of insight and short sighted thinking man . Some of it is just shocking to be honest. But i have read enough to know the consequences in adults that are raised in severe abuse and trauma. He is textbook . And I can't change that. So I no longer try. I too am all about detachment !
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And to each his own….