Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story And to each his own….

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2785
  • Gender: Female
My Story And to each his own….
#150: April 23, 2022, 06:35:21 PM
Madluv.. The is nothing as rewarding and a emotional release than a good renovation. I do it practically on an ongoing basis in this 120 year old house. It has gotten me thru many hard days , provided distraction and a good physical workout. And at the end you have a new and lovely room. It is my "hobby" and really nothing I cannot do now. Today I tackled old attic stairway . Peeled off about 10 layers of really old wallpaper , did some patching and then off shopping for a new light.  Took most of this rainy day and back at it tomorrow. It truly is rewarding and helps with "think time " which is incredibly valuable to me.  Congrats on tackling such a big project !

Detachment. A word I initially struggled with ..well, came to actually hate the word.  It felt like no one actually understood the pain I was in . To keep telling me to detach?. It was impossible for years , and I tried . It is an extremely hard concept...seems the opposite of what I "should be doing or wanted to do".  It just made no sense to me.  Two things were said to me that finally helped me move into a place of true detachment.   

Finally understanding that failure to practise full detachment is very poor " SELF care ". Now think about that. I could ( and did) ruminate, wonder, examine every word, should I do this, what did he mean?, maybe I will do this, never should have said that, I wonder where he is ? ..and on and on and on. All for NOTHING because I had no control over him whatsoever anyway. I was truly feeling very close to a mental collapse . Nuts. 

When a therapist told me it interrupts and sabatoges good selfcare and prevents you from walking your own path, I started to think about it differently. Slowly but surely I started to move into a place of detaching from him. Secondly , the more I practised the more introspective and "quiet" I became.  Less reactive ...and I was desperately ragefully reactive , for a very long time. I needed calm , quiet solitude and space to think and decide who I wanted to be now.  Detachment is peaceful and accepting , it is calm and reflective. It feels like I am finally in control of myself and I can make choices that are in MY best interest. Detachment is for ME. 

Even though he is here , I continue to practise what I have learned about detachment .  He came back nuttier than when he left and with 100 times bigger problems to deal with.  The utter devastation, the indecision about staying in this marriage ( again...for years), the rage, the hurt and add a little PTSD and destroyed trust ...all makes for explosive profoundly painful emotions ..from both of us.  If I had it to do again, I won't. 

I can honestly say that learning to detach and walk away has saved me . The detachment skills have taught me many valuable lessons and given him space to reflect ( hopefully) on some of his thinking.  I have found calm places for myself by refusing to engage in what I see as very emotionally immature , lack of insight and short sighted thinking man . Some of it is just shocking to be honest. But i have read enough to know the consequences in adults that are raised in severe abuse and trauma. He is textbook . And I can't change that. So I no longer try. I too am all about detachment !
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 25, 2022, 06:24:03 PM by Thunder »
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12023
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
And to each his own….
#151: April 25, 2022, 04:12:33 AM
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 25, 2022, 06:30:06 PM by Thunder »
Me - 59, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 15, D - 12
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.


Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.