[MourningDove]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11891.msg791406#msg791406

D delaying her graduation until next year has disappointed some people, but I know now that it is the right thing for her on every level. For one, it allows her to use her scholarships towards her master's degree so from an academic perspective it makes sense. And there were other reasons for her decision that I fully supported. As I told her, it is her journey and she had approached the decision with a good balance of gut feeling along with rational thoughts. She didn't just make some snap decision. I didn't realize at the time I told her that how important it was for her to hear that from at least one parent.

Since my run in with Xh at the mall back in if I recall properly - end of February/early March - I knew that Xh had at least reached out to D one time. I suspected more, but haven't pressed.

On a side note, it made me laugh just now when I realized how far I have come considering there was a time when I would have known the exact date I last saw Xh or would have probably back during the insanity would have somehow documented it on a calendar or in a journal. Yes, it was documented here, but I have no desire to chase down that date. I don't care. It is simply a point of reference in terms of what has been going on with D.

That brings me back to D and her contact with Xh. The past few weeks have been pretty brutal at times. D and I have had some rough patches the last few weeks. I knew it was more than just our wiring being different. I knew it was more than D being frustrated with me or the end of the semester. I figured it was rooted in something with Xh and why I gave her a wide berth because the last big blow out was last week. Her reaction to me getting caught at work later than usual after having told her I would meet her, was not just frustration on her part. And, as I told her in all fairness, she had a reason to be upset. I had valid reasons for being late, but I still could see her side at least of that part of things.

The thing was, I knew that my lateness brought out a feeling of abandonment for her. A trigger. I felt bad, but when all was said and done, she admitted last week that I never have left her. Even though I was late, I showed up. I had let her know I was running late.

I have learned with both of my kids, when it comes to Xh, not to push the talking. I don't avoid it, but I don't press. They both talk when they are ready. They don't bottle it up. They process differently. It isn't easy to be suddenly hit with when they do want to talk. I am not always wanting to get into a deep conversation - that is sometimes they come when I am dead tired after working, etc. But, I put my "M" hat on and suck it up.

D came to pick me up at work yesterday, after having to borrow my car. The day away with a friend had been good for her.  She was at work early and pulled up a chair and sat with me. She began to open up and admitted she has had more than end of the semester and exams making her upset.

So out it came. Xh initiated contact and for a few weeks has been texting little things like "how was your day" type conversations. He was being consistent. And last week, the day of the ill-fated blow out D and I had, and her abandonment triggers were because of Xh pulling what I unfortunately could have predicted. This is typical MLC behavior for him.

Monday of last week, they had discussed maybe meeting for coffee. D showed me the response she gave. It was very clear and didn't leave any room for misinterpretation and squarely put the response on Xh's shoulders. She gave a place, a time and told him to let her know if that worked. She said it was suddenly crickets. Unbeknownst to her F, or to me at the time, she chose that location because it was a couple of blocks from where I work on Fridays. She figured if it went south with Xh, she would have a safe place to land. He would not have been suspicious, as it is a midway point for both of them to travel and I don't believe he knows my new work schedule. But, he didn't give her a response, that is until Thursday night when he sent a snarky text stating that clearly she was busy since she didn't get back to him and he had made plans. He followed with saying maybe they could try again another time. And hasn't spoken to her since that text last week.

I sighed and told D that I wished I could say I was shocked. I wasn't demonizing Xh, but told her that this was behavior I had experienced with him during the months of gaslighting. I couldn't imagine how she must feel with it being her F. It had to be confusing for her. I then told her behavior with me last week makes more sense, and although I am not excusing it, nor was I mad, it at least let me understand what set her off. I told her perhaps we could do a better job of at least letting one another know when other things are going on and not in great detail, but it might help us communicate better and not have these needless blow ups. She said for her part, she maybe should have at least said she was struggling with the abandonment because of Xh's behavior. I admitted my own failures last week.

It is so hard - all of this. I can't begin to express how upsetting it is on so many levels. Sigh

[MourningDove]

D and I spent all of yesterday together. She had asked a couple of weeks ago about going to a garden center which is an hour away from our house.

We left mid-morning, which allowed her to sleep in, which is unusual, as she is usually up early and it gave me a little time to get a couple of things done.

The day was decidedly dreary, but the scenery along the way was gorgeous just the same. The conversations, revolved around D's potential summer plans and she tried to explain her research for next semester. She has chosen her subject and will be working with one of her favorite professors, which makes us both happy. This professor has really been very good for her academically and personally. A true mentor.

Xh's name didn't come up at all, nor did any of the other drama surrounding that issue. I think we had both decided on our own, to try and put the focus on the day together and just enjoy the time. We both needed that.

We arrived at the flower market and took our time looking around, but decided to wait to buy anything since it really is still very early for most of the plants to go outside. When we left there, our original plan was to go to have lunch at a local restaurant, but neither of us were feeling like going there, as it meant we would be inside because of the weather forecast. Instead we drove to get coffee and then I think I shocked her when I asked her where she would really like to go for lunch with the change in plans. She hesitated saying it was too far out of the way, as it was in the opposite direction. I made the turn to go where she suggested and she sort of laughed. I told her that sometimes it is good to go on a whim. D is not used to being spontaneous, but embraced it.

The thing is, she was right. That place was the perfect place for a day like yesterday. They have an enclosed porch overlooking the water that can be opened up in the sunny, summer weather, but for days like yesterday, they would have had it enclosed, but the view was still there. And the food is always wonderful. D was in such a good mood.

We meandered on the way home, and I let D dictate which roads she wanted to travel. She has begun to embrace some of the backroads on her own, so it was fun to see where she has been.

Her BF was waiting for her when we got home and I found myself alone by dinner time. I was too tired to really do anything.

I thought about part of what upsets me with this whole thing with Xh. Twice this week I had heard from a couple of friends, both male in this case, where their x spouses are jerking them around with custody issues. Both are exceptional parents and it just infuriates me to no end that people use their kids or don't allow the other parent to be involved in their kids' lives because of their own selfish reasons. It probably makes me more upset when I have to deal with the fall out from a man who was a good father who not only refuses to be a F, but then creates more problems. I just can't understand it at all.

My sister and I talked about the word forgiveness again. I really am getting so I just think that word is overused. I have compassion for Xh. I understand on a certain level he is not well. I can explain it and rationalize it all I want, but I am not sure I can forgive it. If I voice that in that manner, it sounds like I am bitter and I am not. I just don't know that I really can call what I feel forgiveness. I am not out trying to somehow make him pay for what he has done or continues to do. IDK. I can only come up with the word acceptance as the proper word to cover what I often feel.

Even hope no longer applies. Or at least I don't have a whole lot of faith when it comes to Xh. I know I would like for Xh to get it together and mend fences for the kids' sake, especially D's. But I have given up on really believing it is possible at this point, and only because his actions suggest he is still deep in his crisis.

But, again - if I say that aloud, then people go right to say that I am jaded or cynical or bitter. Nope. Just realistic at this point. And yes, I do get angry, but the anger gives way later to just moving on to live life and know that there will be more of that to come, I suspect over the next few months with D, if he follows the pattern he did with me and his gaslighting.

Today, D is off with her BF and she planned a special day for him. He is very easy going and doesn't ask for much. D called me to tell me where they were and I smiled. She clearly had put a lot of thought into her surprise. It was a simple surprise, but something that meant a great deal to her BF. I was glad to hear, if nothing else, that D was doing something "normal" and not letting the Xh encounter bog her down.

I am going to take time for myself today to work on some projects. I had an invite to go to an art opening today, but I bowed out, as it is midday. I have tentative plans for the evening with my high school friend, but that hinges on what time she gets back from visiting with her aunt. I told her not to worry. My day tomorrow has been clearly dictated, and I have mixed emotions about it, TBH.

I hate the manufactured holidays in that often they just create stress. The need to make everyone happy. My sister wanted to come see my parents for Mother's Day. Her H wanted her to be at home to spend time as a family. Then her in laws decided to come. Next came making sure my M was included somehow. Then I got roped into the mix by D, my sister and my M who have now decided I shouldn't be left out. I had tickets to go on a garden tour I secured months ago. Yah - I gave them up after I realized the event scheduled for the family would have meant I would have to rush through the garden tour. I was annoyed, TBH. Oh, I know - I should be grateful I have family and it will be fun, but it was a let down of sorts. I will look for the positives, etc. I don't want to sound like a curmudgeon. LOL

And, maybe the positives are little things. The first year I took the MLCer with me. He was at that moment kind and went along, but the following years I would go by myself or with D. One year with my sister and niece in tow. I have rarely missed this event in nearly 10 years now. When I realized going wasn't an option for me, I had initially just accepted the tickets would go to waste, but it was okay, as it is an annual fundraising event. And then it dawned on me to contact the person who told me about it in the first place. A former student of mine who had stumbled upon this place and had gone there for a photoshoot. I have always said it was something I owed him for, as it is one of my very favorite places to go. I reached out and told him since it was his fault I am now obsessed with this place that it seemed only right to see if he could use the tickets. I know he and his W don't allow themselves too many things, as they are young and have to watch their money. He was quick to respond to me and wanted to know what I owed him. I laughed and said that to just send me pictures and we could call it even. He said his W if beyond excited as she has seen photos but has never been. It felt good knowing at least someone will enjoy the tickets and it truly is the right person to go in my place. It makes it even better that he now can afford to take his W with him to share in the experience. 

I am going to enjoy the weather today. The dog is busy sitting at the front door watching the farmer plant the field across the way. I will be glad when he is done, as I am waiting to wash the windows and put the screens in. I won't do that until literally the dust settles. So, I have to find other things to keep me busy - LOL.

[MourningDove]

Well, well, well … should I be shocked? Hmmmm.

See, if I express this in RL, I will be seen as cynical or negative. But, it is not that at all. I want to believe it is genuine and heartfelt. I really do want that. History, however has shown there is a pattern with the MLC version of Xh and sincerity ceases to exist.

He has been pulling away from S more and more, yet the pattern has been over the past few years that when he messes up with D, he has this need to make sure the narrative he tells everyone else that it is all D's doing and he is trying. The "I'm a Good Guy" act goes into overdrive.

Let me be clear. In the past, I would not have ever questioned Xh's motives. His pre-MLC self was sincere and genuine. He was the F that helped with dioramas and projects willingly and enthusiastically. He would spend hours with both kids or individually working on things in the garage, etc. Especially when it came to say, Mother's Day gifts. I have lovely stepping stones they each made in the garden. They used river stones and sea glass they had collected over the summer prior to sink into cement forms. The stepping stones were the kids and Xh's idea and they worked on them when I was told by them I needed to go find something to do outside of the house so they could work on the surprise.

And I want to believe - truly - that this is some genuine attempt. But, I am afraid, I see the timing and the past few days' events as a moment to pause and say I have a hard time buying into it all. Especially since I now know what Xh has been feeding BIL 2 as a story line. BIL 2 thinks it is D that is being difficult. D has decided she is not going to participate in the "he said/she said" with anyone about the subject. I said at some point it will come out and BIL 2 will see it for what it is and it will be due to Xh's own words and actions coming to light. I have been down this path myself. The high road is difficult to travel on, but as I explained to D, it is better than fueling the drama Xh wants to stir up.

So, S informed me earlier in the week that he hadn't heard from Xh in awhile. Miraculously, Xh now wants to come and help S work on C's house tomorrow. Uh huh. I knew from S's tone, he too is questioning the motives, but he laughed when I said to accept the help. His friend quipped that they shall double check Xh's work since he has been known to be off with measurements and the like with his MLC fixes. We all sort of laughed because this friend has been here for some of the more amusing discoveries and he has been around to see the more meticulous pre-MLC work, so he knows.

I have not said a word to D.

On the one hand, I am glad S has the extra help and even if it is not genuine or there are other motives Xh has for his help, it is still help. I am leery of what Xh might say with S and his friends around. Xh will probably be able to maintain the appearance of being normal for a short time and he will no doubt come across as the man S and I both knew before this crisis.

IDK - maybe I am jaded and cynical. Or maybe, I am just a realist and basing it on his recent actions with D. I have no real reason to believe this is anything other than him making sure he looks good because he messed up. Maybe I will be surprised. Maybe I will also wake up in the morning and elves will have finished all of my home projects for me. 

[Treasur]

My chum shared with me a funny quote from Phoebe in the old series ‘Friends’. Something to the effect of ‘I really wish I wanted to go there with you...but I don’t.’  Made me chuckle and there’s a lot of wisdom in it 

You are basing your POV on now years of a pretty consistent pattern of behaviour, no need to unpick more of it than that, is there? You learned and adjusted your course then and, although I imagine it must be hurtful and frustrating sometimes, you are observing that your son and daughter individually are having to do the same. And BiL2 as well, I suppose. And of course how they do it, their own process of trial and error and acceptance and boundaries, may not be the same as yours for you. (Although I imagine it must hurt your daughter at some basic simple level to accept that BiL2 does not believe her or completely support her, I guess it would be strange if BiL2 was completely untainted by the FOO nonsense even though he has seemed to be much less so. But FOO buttons are often strong and unspoken aren’t they?)

Having said that, a wise creative mind accepts that in an infinite universe maybe someday we will wake up to those marvellous little birds singing while twirling the trash bags and cheerful bunnies wash the dishes - but not usually how it goes lol. Mind you, if yours turn up tomorrow, could you send them over to my house to prune some big shrubs? 

[UrsaMajor]

S needs to make darn sure that xH does NOT have access to any 3 1/2"drywall screws..... especially if there are any heating lines in the area... 

The dude is so transparent that he'd make a decent window....

[MourningDove]

Treasur - I did not wake up dressed as Snow White and there weren't any little helpers - human or otherwise doing chores for me. The closest I came to that was opening the dishwasher door and the dog trying to stick her head into the dishwasher to offer helping "pre-clean" the dirty dishes. Um - no thanks. LOL

UrsaMajor - funny, you mention the drywall screws. S joked before he left that they made sure they only had the proper drywall screws for the ceiling in his room. From what I gather, the ceiling is at least installed and having Xh there did help make the job go quicker with 3 of them working.

As for my concern I was sounding jaded, well my sister's response made me laugh. Even before I told her what has been going on my sister commented that it is the end of the school year, so we should have anticipated his patterns haven't changed. And, she is right. This has been going on for a long time. As MLC moved in, he has chosen certain holidays and times of year to make sure we know he exists. The end of the school year has been a biggie. I have my theories as to why, knowing his family history, but it doesn't really matter at this point. Explains it. Doesn't excuse it. Maybe it just is something I should anticipate from here on out. With less and less contact with him, I sort of forgot I guess.

I will be curious how long this contact with S will continue and the offer to help work on the house. I am not losing sleep over it. 

[UrsaMajor]

And what strings will be attached to the GWPWELFV's work on the house... free psycho-dog sitting? free driver for days on end? 

The patterns are there and it is easy to get sucked into them if they present themselves....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - I had the same thoughts when I realized this is nothing new. I suspect this though is more of the situation where xh needs to cover his bases and make sure he looks like the good guy. He hasn’t contacted D since the failed coffee date so he needs to make it look like he is all innocent. No matter what with the MLC version there is always some angle. I have yet to see in the last few years any real sincere attempt at being genuine or to not have an ulterior motive.

I met my friend for a walk around the lake after work on Tuesday. We were both just talking about, among other things, needing to get our second boosters. Hah - Luckily we were outside and I thought I just was having problems with allergies because of all of the dust from the crops going in. But by Wednesday morning I was wiped out. Two Covid tests later confirmed that it was more than allergies.

D is staying with her BF and S and his GF are at work most of the day so luckily that helps. I have however sequestered myself in my room. It certainly is not the vacation I imagined. 

I have been trying to make the best of it and resting a lot. I had removed the tv from my room some time ago and I am wishing I hadn’t right now. On the flip side it’s forcing me to find other things to do that don’t require a lot of thought or energy. I have cleaned out some clothes and reorganized. I may have to have S grab some art supplies to leave at my door.

It’s weird being isolated in this manner from the house. I have on occasion chosen to hide in my room but this is different. While I am certainly sick, I know it could be worse.

I have come to realize that I don’t like being hovered over. I do like being cared for and checked in on. I appreciate things like my mom has been dropping off meals for me.

That said, I have been made so aware of the people who really care and just check in on me.

I know that by the time this quarantine is over I am going to have the desire to completely redecorate my bedroom. I have done bits and pieces but spending this much time in the same room makes me realize that I never really finished making it my room.

What’s getting to me tbh, is it has been gorgeous weather and i so would like to be gardening. I know better than to push that right now. Hopefully in a couple more days I will feel up to it. Just in time for the rain to show up - LOL

[MourningDove]

D called to let me know she was swinging by the house to pick some things up. We spoke briefly while she was here, albeit from a very safe distance    She was in a good mood. She had been loaned her BF’s parent's car by her BF’s F because her car was here. She had left it here due to some construction going on and there being limited parking this weekend at her BF’s house.

An hour had gone by since D left the house when she called. It is only a 10 minute drive door to door from our house to the BF’s. I knew it was D but I couldn’t make out what she was saying at first because she was sobbing. Finally she took a breath and said she had been in a car accident and the car is totaled. My first response was to calm her down and tell me what happened. Inside I wanted nothing more than to get in my car and go to her but that is a big no no right now. I felt a bit helpless and just focused on having D recount what had happened.

She was in the small village where there is one police officer and he reminds us all of Andy Griffith. In part it is because that particular village still has a bit of that stuck in time aspect when it comes to a sense of family and community. He happened to be sitting in his usual afternoon spot merely reminding people there is a speed zone. He rarely gives out tickets unless it is warranted.

D said she drove by him and just noted he was in the usual spot and the couple in front of her made an abrupt turn without a signal so she hit the brakes. That led to the guy behind her hitting her. He was in a much larger truck with a cage for off-roading.

It is in the moments when I can’t be there that makes me so very grateful for other people and their kindness. D said the officer came to her immediately and told her he would handle everything and she was to sit tight because he was having the EMTs who happened to also be nearby check her. He noticed right away she was having a panic attack. The sheriff showed up as well and D said because it is a small town the officer realized who she was and called her BF’s mom who works a few blocks from where it happened.

D is sore and it could have been far worse. My guess was spot in from the pictures. The driver behind her was speeding and following way too close. I assured D it was an accident and at least she is ok. Her BF’s parents have been great and have told her it is a car. She could have been seriously hurt and they are so grateful she is ok. The car has absolutely no trunk left. It sits firmly in the backseat. Rather sobering.

What bothered me after hanging up was I can’t be there for her and I am used to being that parent. Her F - she wouldn’t think to call him because he has proven he is unreliable at best in his crisis mode. I called S and let him know and S said he will check in on her.

I have told myself that it is ok. D knows I am not showing up for a very good reason but I still feel unsettled. Guilt? Or maybe it’s just wanting to give your kid a hug after seeing pictures of the vehicle they were in and holding them tight. Idk.

I am just so very grateful she is ok and to know she was so well looked after.

[forthetrees]

Yowza, so glad she´s ok. It´s a bonus that it was not her fault and that the cop was right there. She may want to put magnesium oil on her neck to deal with the soreness- does wonders. I hope you are clearly on the mend from your Covid infection. I´m still laying low to avoid getting it.