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Author Topic: Discussion Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 9

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Discussion Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 9
#50: January 08, 2023, 07:44:04 PM
I too am doing Yoga with Adriene and despite a few sore muscles, I have felt deeply calm and still emotionally.  Its a good thing. 
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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#51: January 09, 2023, 09:21:28 PM
Oh, just what I needed - free yoga classes.  Thank you!  I am headed to bed shortly but will get out my yoga mat from the closet and dust it off.
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#52: January 24, 2023, 07:40:56 AM
Thought these might have resonance:

https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/symptoms/depression-and-attention-concentration-problems


Me, myself, and I: self-referent word use as an indicator of self-focused attention in relation to depression and anxiety:
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01564/full
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#53: January 24, 2023, 01:14:21 PM
Anyone seen this guys videos? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMhVWybU2Tg
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#55: January 30, 2023, 03:16:25 AM
This article, while not a MLC, is within the context of depression and the effect of limerence (from the betraying spouse POV)

https://letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2019/03/29/limerence-and-affairs/
https://letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/the-story-the-unfaithful-version/
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#56: February 04, 2023, 01:55:33 PM
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#57: February 05, 2023, 01:15:43 AM
An interesting article. I was reading on my phone and need to print it out for a real read through. Here are some first thoughts.

It is an enormous study that I think will lay the foundation for the future understanding of a midlife crisis.

I don't understand the word "crisis" in the title since my first impression is that it is a large mapping of some social constructs to volumes of different brain regions. It shows changes in these volumes with midlife. However, I don't see the word crisis much in the body of the text, nor do I see mention of some participants in the study having an abnormal change in midlife.

Second is that I didn't see the ACES score (adverse childhood experience scale) as one of the factors and I wish it would be part of the study.

This is not to undercut the relevance and enormity of the study.

Thanks for bringing it to our attention. Side note is how interesting the morning person versus night person trait is. Also their mention of loneliness and the affect of that on mortality. Perhaps that's why when the MLCer starts to follow the beat of another drum, they feel lonely in the marriage and feel like they are going to die if they stay.
 
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« Last Edit: February 05, 2023, 01:20:34 AM by Reinventing »

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#58: February 05, 2023, 02:20:14 AM
Grateful that Reinventing did a good job precising a dense research summary as I struggled to pull out the kernels myself  :)

Don’t know much, Why, about the details of your situation other than BD was about April 22? Imho that thirst for ‘what is this and why’ is strong in the first year or so - partly a typical kind of trauma response, partly a normal human reaction to something that seems so very WTF to us. Don’t know if this is true for you too but those of us with a lean to certain kinds of problem solving professional skills or a track record of liking to figure out things and fix them might go round this loop a bit more.

Imho it’s a pretty normal LBS response that can become a bit compulsive over time....and if we realise we are at that point, it usually draws us towards needing to focus our questions differently. Looking more perhaps at the need sitting behind the desire to ask the questions. And what the answers might give us that we don’t have now. So, for instance, if I could demonstrate to you beyond a shadow of rigorous research doubt that the cause of MLC behaviour was, say, an allergy to cheese....what would having that information give you that would be helpful and something you could use or control in your own situation? And what might you do if there was never an answer as such?

Imho too I think - if we are being all cognitively rigorous lol like any good intellectual worker - we have to accept the limitations of confirmation bias, group think, limited data about another person’s head, any normal skewing in the samples considered and our own filters. Human brains have some quirky bits when we try to figure stuff out, don’t we?

Do I think there is some kind of psychological fracture in some people at some times of their lives? Probably, based on anecdotal evidence and my own life experience, yes. Do I think there are some recognisable patterns in how these folks behave? Probably yes. Do I think that some of these folks seem to share some FOO history or character traits? Probably yes (but I say that more cautiously bc HS is naturally a self-selecting group reporting their observations, so limited data really). But - and it took me quite a few years to get to this point and hours of thinking I can’t get back lol - I don’t KNOW for sure, either generally or with regard to my xh or anyone else’s spouse here, if i’m being honest. And if I DID know for sure, i’m not sure I can see how it would have changed some of the significant events in my own situation bc most of them weren’t happening by my choice, with my knowledge even, or within my reach of influence. I was largely at the receiving end of a chain of events if that makes sense, a bit like one of those multiverse type movies lol. The things that DID make a constructive difference, bit by bit, in my own life situation had much more to do with wrestling into place some of my own thoughts and feelings and responses to events happening to me and around me rather than the underpinning rationale for the events themselves. And that required a point, a kind of mental gear shift, when the problem became less about the problem and more about how I accepted and described to myself my own experience in a way that made sufficient sense to me that I could make some kind of peace with it..

So, I suppose my question, Why, is what do you think you are seeking and how do you see that as helpful to you in your current situation today, whatever it is? (Bc being honest about my own filter, I am more concerned here about how I can help LBS navigate through and after this life-altering and rather mindf**ky experience rather than understanding MLC which I can do nothing about  :) )
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#59: February 05, 2023, 05:56:44 AM
Reinventing - thanks for reading the study.   I couldn’t make sense of it on my phone ha.  Good to know the background.

T - appreciate your candid comments.  As for what I’m seeking?  To answer the question of whether it makes sense to remain married or not. 
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