[aphexx13]

My wife and and i have been together for 5 yrs and married for 2 yrs. i am 52 and she is 43. she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind. i felt something was off 2 months ago but every time i would question her she said we were fine and said it was just her depression. she was still having sex with me even 3 days before the bombshell. she would act sweet and kind the day before and wrote me a nice birthday card last november saying how happy she was and what a great life we had. at the start of our relationship i told her that 2 other women blindsided me the first one being my first wife who acted like everything was fine and i caught her cheating on me right after christmas. the 2nd girl i was engaged to wrote me a text saying how much she loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then 3 hrs later broke up with me through email. i begged my wife to please communicate any issues and not blindside me like they did. she promised she would talk to me and go to counselling if things got bad. i made the mistake of not maintaining my friendships during our marriage and i put all my time into my wife and kids. i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them. my wife doesnt seem to care her mind is made up. i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.

to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery. i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety. my wife has major depression. i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi aphexx welcome to the club. I am sorry that you are in this situation. I have been where you are now 4 years ago and I know how difficult it is. I even tried to do something bad to myself after my BD. In hindsight, I regretted hurting myself. Nobody is worth taking your life. If there is someone you have to protect at all cost at this moment, it is YOU. You mentioned you have a daughter, she needs you. You will get this through. I know how hard it is to believe that statement now but believe me I was once in your situation now and I made it through. If you feel so bad, go outside and take a walk. The fresh air will do you good.

Do you have a therapist? I'm asking because you mentioned you have panic disorder and anxiety. If not, perhaps you can find one. I don't know where you are and how insurances work in your country. Counselling helps a lot, I can attest to that. It helps because you can talk about everything without fearing of being judged. You also mentioned that you don't have friends anymore. Perhaps you can try and contact your old friends. I did that and to my surprised they were very happy that I contacted them. Friends helped me a lot. And don't forget, you are here now. You will gain virtual friends here that will help you keeping going. A lot of the people here helped me a lot when I was in my darkest moments.

Keep going my friend. We are here for you.

[aphexx13]

thank you for the hope and kind words. my daughter defiantly keeps me going. im starting with a councilor tuesday. and im reaching out to my old friends and trying to make new ones. i look forward to making some friends on here hopefully.

[lost88]

I’m sorry as well .. I’m in a similar boat that continues to take on water. The advice / strength you will find is unrivaled. I’m glad you found this so soon. It sucks - no other way around it - and I’m only a few months ahead of you so I get it. Post often - ask questions - and read as
Much as you can on this sight amongst others ..

I have 2 kids as well and that’s my only concern. I will add that all the advice you get here is going to be opposite of what you think you should do, which is gonna be very difficult to execute on. I finally come that conclusion and feel much better about everything. In fact, I’ve actually gone on the offensive for a change.

I’ll also say, remember this, none of this is your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. This is the crazy stuff for movies that people don’t understand unless they’ve been through it, so don’t beat yourself up over it.

I’m sorry but you’re in the right place my friend …
You’ll bee said but will eventually get strong 💪

[aphexx13]

thanks for the words of hope. And good luck on your own journey.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi aphexx13,

And so sorry for you have ended up here. The following months will be hard as hell, but eventually you will learn to appreciate it all as you will become best version of you.

Re, anxiety.... What helped me a lot was understanding that anxiety on itself is neither good or bad. It is just unchanneled energy that easily gets wasted into things like pacing, overthinking etc. Refocusing that energy into something useful, say coming up with a plan for better life for you and your child, there's your gamechanger.... Changing behaviour and patterns is not easy (and will take months of practice), but you will get there. And you will eventually build a good life regardless of what happens with your marriage.

Alvin

[aphexx13]

thanks for the hope. i just found out that my wife is already dating after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.

[lost88]

Sorry to hear that but not a shocker .
Some of the best advice I found here was
Don’t believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.

They will lie about things that aren’t even important. It’s the strangest thing imaginable. You have to start to expect the worse so your not surprised and the when revealed the pain is much less.

Sorry and I know it’s hard - the sooner you accept your wife is no longer your wife the better of you will be emotionally and physically.

[aphexx13]

Thanks for the support.  I'm starting to realize that.

[FaithWalker]

Welcome to the club no one really wanted to be a part of, but since we have found ourselves in the LBS club, it's the best club to end up in, since it was inevitable.

Don't be surprised if your wife wasn't already dating before her big divorce reveal.  Many humans in crisis do that.  Lie and say they want to alone for a while, meanwhile having someone already waiting in the wings.

You did not cause this and you cannot fix this.  She is running from herself and the rest of you are collateral damage.  Be there for your daughter, and if you can, for your step-daughter as well.  If you haven't had a chance, read the link in my signature "Survival Instructions for Newbies"

Post here as often as you need.  We have LBS around the globe and someone is bound to be up.

Take care of you.  Put on your oxygen mask.  Try and eat something or drink (smoothies, protein shakes) when you can, drink plenty of water, go for walks.  You may need some melatonin for a while to help you sleep. 

[aphexx13]

thank you for the support. my next post was from last week. i havent been posting on here but this will catch you guys up.

[aphexx13]

I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.



before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.



this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.



Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.

[aphexx13]

i did find out that the guy she is talking to is a friend from 20 yrs ago that is going through a divorce as well. he didnt want the divorce so this is a set up for disaster i think. im struggling very hard with the idea of her with someone else.

[aphexx13]

finally reaching that angry stage with my wife. shes talking to like multiple guys now and right  in front of me. like i dont know whats going on. she really is cruel and its not the same person i fell in love with or married. im pretty sure its a distraction for her to mask the guilt and not think about changing her mind. she also brought home the divorce papers but didnt give them to me yet. i got more bad news at the dr today about my blood clot in my lung and it could be from a blood disorder and more clots may be coming. so i think she felt guilty about giving me the papers yet. shes in such a rush to get divorced and get me out of the house. i feel like ive died and im in hell right now. so many bad things are happening to me in such a short period of time. 1. wife blindsides me with divorce. 2. i cant afford to move out on my own. 3. i land in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung. 4. more bad news about blood clots and my heart.  whats next? im almost praying for death in my sleep.

[amazinglove]

I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it as I am dealing with  infidelity too  - and most of us on here know this pain unfortunately too.
It’s horrible. I am sorry all these bad things seem to be happening at the same time!
It’s always darkest before the dawn. Hold on and things are bound to improve on one front or another.
 You are not alone!

[WHY]

Read about narcissistic supply.  That’s what she’s doing by rubbing it in your face.  You see it as cruel.  She doesn’t.   All she’s doing is feeding her low self esteem and needs the supply to get through the day. 

The more upset you get about it.  Or if say something about it or blow up.  The more important she feels and it fuels her narcissistic supply.  And she’ll keep doing it and ratchet things up to get bigger reactions and bigger supply.  It’s a viscous cycle.  The more worked up you get.  The worse it’s gonna get cause she’s gonna get addicted to the supply.

My advice is cut the snake off at the head and step away completely.  I know it’s hard.  But it does get easier as time goes by.  Just constantly remind yourself.  When you blow up on her.  You’re not gonna make yourself better.  And you’re actually making it worse by feeding her supply and causing her to escalate with worse behavior.  With this rule in mind.  It becomes easier to step away.  Program yourself to think like this. 

And I’m not talking about ignoring her, or refusing to talk to her, or pretending that you don’t care.  That in itself fuels supply.  I’m talking more along the lines of responses like “ok”, “uh-huh”.  Acknowledgment with less than zero reaction.  And you go on with your life like it means nothing and the cross word puzzle you’re doing is more interesting. 

But I warn you.   When their supply gets cut off.  Prepare for narcissistic rage.  It’s real.  And you’ll get the full force of it.  You will see monster.  It may give you some satisfaction that you’ve gotten to her or that she’s still feels something for you.   Don’t fall into that trap.  Don’t take the bait.  Remember.  Not your circus.  Step away completely and go back to your crossword puzzle.   

However, after a few months.  She’ll realize the supply from you is gone, and she’ll more than likely move on to other sources.   Freeing you from daily mental torture.  And mission accomplished.   It takes time.  But it’s worth it.  And there’s little margin for error.  Just remember your rule and you’ll get through it. 

Just remember.   Reacting or unloading does not make you feel better.  And it actually makes things worse as she’ll look to escalate to get more of that juicy supply.  Not your circus.  Step away. 

You can do this.  Good luck friend. 

[aphexx13]

thanks for the advice and support. ive actually started to not even pay attention to her and just watch tv and not even look at her and i stopped making comments to her.

[Treasur]

Sounds to me as if your immediate priorities are regaining your health in so far as you can and finding a way to financially support yourself living somewhere else. And that those probably feel like pretty big things to do solo right now. Have you looked around to see who might help you in your area? Or even if your medical team can suggest resources you can link in with? Do you have any family or friends nearby? Have you consulted a lawyer on your mutual rights and obligations if you are divorced given your health situation?

You can’t do anything about your wife. You may be able to do some things about your health and financial survival and a roof over your head though. I just wouldn’t expect your wife to be part of the solution or part of your ongoing support system. That’s not fair or kind, I know, but better to deal with how it is than wait for something to magically get better imho

[aphexx13]

yes you are correct. havent found any resources for help although im still looking. the only family is my 88 yr old mom who cant really help as she lives in a 1 bedroom assisted living. friends have no help either. im speaking with a lawyer this week.

[Treasur]

That’s a very  positive and constructive step, if not an easy one, so well done

[aphexx13]

anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.

[Reinventing]

Although I wasn't facing the same changes in life that you are, yes, I had a lot of self-loathing. Every comment my XH made about why he left cut deeply and I took at face value instead of realizing he was projecting his issues on to me.

I couldn't go to the mall because of all the photos of beautiful women and I imagined how OW look like that. I felt worthless.

How wrong I was. He was the one that was in turmoil and had projected his weaknesses on to me. He was the one that was doing ugly things by lying, sneaking around, gaslighting me, etc.

[aphexx13]

counseling went well today. we are starting to dig into my codependency and unhealed child hood wounds of abandonment. before i met my wife i took 6 years off from dating to work on my boundaries and confidence. my daughters mom who is either a narcissist or sociopath really did a number on me. so after that i decided to work on myself which lasted 6 yrs. i ended up with really good boundaries and regained self confidence. i got on a dating site and the first person i choose was my wife. she was very different in the beginning and i saw no red flags. after a year they started to appear but i let them slide because i thought it was her clinical depression. i think i allowed my boundaries to slide because my core wounds were never dealt with. i eventually lost most of my self confidence especially after i became disabled. i felt like i let my family down by not being able to provide as well as i was before. i talked it out today with my councilor today that becoming disabled wasnt my fault and i was still bringing in money and i had a plan in action to take online courses in computers. i was in limbo with not knowing if i should stay on disability while applying for social security. i wasnt happy with the thought of being on disability for the rest of my life. my wife knew how depressed and unhappy my situation was with staying on disability.

my long term disability compony offered free resources for online courses. i started taking the courses at the end of last year. we were struggling last december with finances and i was stressing about how we were going to give the kids a decent Christmas. i told my wife i was going to put my online courses on hold untill the first week of January because i couldnt concentrate with the stress about money and i didnt want to fail the course. this was one of the reasons my wife gave me for the divorce. she said i wasnt being serious about taking the courses to help us get out of debt. my councilor said that was just a excuse because i still had a plan of action and the courses weren't going to provide a job immediately.

another puzzling thing is last week my wife brought the divorce papers home but never gave them to me and took them back to work. she didnt know i saw them.

[aphexx13]

so my wife gave me the papers to sign tonight. she wanted me to sign them without filling out division of property. she expects me to just trust her. im not stupid so of course im not. ive got  a consultation tomorrow with a lawyer. i will be getting advice from him. my wife got extremely agitated that im going to see a lawyer. she says its not a complicated divorce so i shouldn't need to talk to a lawyer. Im just worried about her retaliating by changing the locks. meanwhile shes going out on a date tomorrow night. i have a codependency meeting tomorrow night so her kids 12 and 16 will be home alone. not that big of a deal but she has this weekend free she could have scheduled her date then since according to her she wants to be alone and spend time with her kids.   

[UrsaMajor]

You are right to NOT trust ANYTHING that an MLC'er says. and getting legal advice is a good first step.

If she retaliates by changing the locks, there are likely legal recourses you can take, especially if your name is on the deed/mortgage.

She's getting agitated because she is going to be told that she does NOT get to have all the cake and eat it too.... She will have to share....

[aphexx13]

my wife and i went over our taxes tonight. my disability check doesnt have taxes taken out so to offset that we were taken extra out of my wifes check every week during last year. we got back some on federal but we owed 250$ state tax. she said that its fair that we split the federal 60/40 me getting 40. and i have to pay the state tax. does this sound fair?

[aphexx13]

well it looks like divorce is going to proceed. i have moved everything bills and such to my account. the only thing left to do is sign the papers which im doing tomorrow. we are waiting for our taxes to come back so i will be moving out by april 1st. and then it will be no contact for a while other then to get the kids together for a day at the park or movie or something. she already has someone shes talking to so i guess thats it. part of me says good riddance to someone that has treated me this way but i was really hoping to save the marriage. fools hope i think