[thissucks7788]

Wow a whole new thread, I can't believe it!  Thank you all -- it is great to have such a fantastic forum family.  So, I was watching Legally Blonde tonight (made my son watch with me, lol). It struck me that Elle got dumped, was miserable and followed Warner to law school to get him back. In this whole process, she betters herself, becomes a success and wins the law case at the end. Warner wants her back---too late!  She has grown, found success and a new guy.  Hmmmm, there's a lesson in here somewhere

I hope you're all having a great night!!

PS Tsun- your thread too! Naming the thread (harder than you think-haha!)

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11942.0

[JohnnyBravo]

Great thread title!

[Curiosity]

Excellent title, attaching to continue following your journey.

[thissucks7788]

Thanks JohnnyBravo and Curiosity!!  It made me laugh (my favorite coping strategy) . 

Some small updates.  H has been texting a good amount.  Has been free about using the word "we" which he was very careful not to do in the beginning.  I am friendly and match his tone.  Aren't we just BFF's.  I know it's a good thing but honestly it feels a little sh*tty to be "the bigger person" (ugh, I just hate being the bigger person lol) and be friendly.  I mean let's face it his behavior doing this whole thing to me deserves a punch in the face ---but he gets to be "friends" which is better than he deserves (does that sound terrible?) Those are my feelings. However, he is the father of my child, and we still have a business working relationship, so I know it is the smart thing to do.  Anywho, just playing this whole thing out.

In the meanwhile, I have been feeling pretty good.  I hope that continues because I've been here before and have taken steps back --however I know this is a 1 step forward, 2 step back kind of thing.   I am moving on with my life-- I have been listening to an audiobook (thanks Tsun for the recommendation) and it says that this is a big moment in your life but should not define it (something like that).  I 100% agree.  I don't want this to be my whole story and I've been changing my narrative as this springboards me to move forward.  So that is it for now.  I hope everyone has a great week!
B

[Tsun]

I think I'm also attaching? What does this mean and/or how do I do this?

Such a funny title TS! Humour will (partially) get us through this.

In your writings, I can tell that you've been doing well lately, which makes me happy. I also think that early on you had a good sense of what to do, and what not to do, which likely helped. I think that as we heal we continue to move towards new baselines of sadness/happiness. Then, each time we fall down again, we return to the newest one. So, even though we fall, we don't return to that place of despair that we were in initially. For instance, I actually spent some time crying today, but it felt different. I didn't feel panicked, hopeless, and mentally and physically broken like in the beginning. Instead, it was more of a necessary cry if that makes sense.

As always I recognize what you are saying, this time about being the bigger person. Prior to the big BD my h and I communicated in a similar fashion and, after everything he had done (and was doing), this was really difficult. There were many unpleasant thoughts that went unsaid and untyped. So, I know how hard it is to keep those in. Feel free to keep joking about your h here  . At this point, the mental picture I have of him is that of a man who's galloping in and out of his tiny apartment, which has no furniture or food, only work out machines and supplements  .

Glad you like the Trust Again book. You likely know that she also has a website. On it, she has a blog and one of her postings is a letter to the betrayer. I find it very powerful and if I ever sensed my h was open to it (insert a few eye rolls here because of me saying this lol), I might send it. Anyway, I recommend reading it because it validates our feelings and we do not get this validation from the people that hurt us. In addition, it offers the betrayer a roadmap forward.

Anyway, now I have also officially initiated your (our  ) new thread. I am very proud that we survived the first one together!

[thissucks7788]

Hey Tsun--welcome to our new thread   I'm so glad you like the name!  I'm always trying to find the funny in everything and frankly the MLC behavior is so stupid and ridiculous that it deserves this title.  Here's another Nan gem-- "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it!"

I'm so sorry that you cried the other day but sometimes it really makes you feel better.  It seems like progress though that the cry felt different.  I know what you mean when you say that.  It's better to get it out than to hold it back--- I keep quoting from the Trust book, but remember she mentions not to numb or try to bypass your feelings.  As you told me too, hard now, easy later.  Speaking of the book, I never did check out her website.  I think I will do that, and I want to check out the letter you spoke about.  It always feels good to be validated and our H's have hurt us so much.  I know no matter how decent I'm feeling these days, there is still anger that bubbles right below the surface. (and I do mean right below, like directly under)  I suspect just like you-- if/when D is in progress our "happy little cordial relationship" will turn.  I read once that marriage is all about love and divorce is all about money.  Seems a recipe for things to get ugly...but I'll cross that bridge (or jump off that bridge) when I get there.

LOL to H galloping out of his small workout bachelor pad with his supplements.  I said to him when he was leaving that he is not going to end up having either woman (and I use that term loosely for his practical teenager that he was pursuing-- and not getting btw. Just throwing that in there) That he would be sitting alone in his apartment with his juice!  I don't know if your H did this, but my H would spend hours juicing vegetables etc... So I was dealing with the coveted "workout" and also the juicing. Buying vegetables, washing vegetables, cutting up vegetables. It's surprising he found any time at all to pursue anyone else! And here's the kicker-- I found a list on his phone of "fun things to do" ideas that he could do with the newly minted 20-year-old-- for me and my son.. he was "too busy" or "on a tight schedule".  This pissed me off to no end. 

On a different note- what is going on with 90-day fiancé?  Any more with the middle-aged guy and the very young woman? That just cracked me up-- that he was too immature for her, LOL!  Also, I think you are in the midst of a few days off (yay)...how are they going?  I hope you and your son are doing well. I know he is going to be off for quite a few weeks and I hope you're able to get some help with babysitting since we can't rely on our H's to be grown ups (once again, inserting eye roll here).  Wishing you guys a good week!   (As always happy emojis!!)

[titleholder]

Some small updates.  H has been texting a good amount.  Has been free about using the word "we" which he was very careful not to do in the beginning.  I am friendly and match his tone.  Aren't we just BFF's.  I know it's a good thing but honestly it feels a little sh*tty to be "the bigger person" (ugh, I just hate being the bigger person lol) and be friendly.  I mean let's face it his behavior doing this whole thing to me deserves a punch in the face ---but he gets to be "friends" which is better than he deserves (does that sound terrible?) Those are my feelings. However, he is the father of my child, and we still have a business working relationship, so I know it is the smart thing to do.  Anywho, just playing this whole thing out.

This is so spot on! Exactly the thing I’m struggling with aswell..

I’m attaching to your thread :-)

[thissucks7788]

Hi titleholder!

Right?  It is so hard to be pleasant and friendly.  I'm just gritting my teeth and doing it. Let's just say it's a good thing that my H can't read minds, lol!!

Thank you for attaching to the thread. I don't even know what that means, but I like it!!!

[Tsun]

TS & Titleholder, so annoying, I experienced this again myself today, ugh! I needed my h to do something so I had to message him. He responded right away, no monstering, but it was still annoying because our situation is so bizarre and I felt like we were acting like everything was oke. Then we had a school meeting about our s (virtual) and he showed up, more ugh! He KNOWS NOTHING about his kid (because he's NEVER there), yet he shows up, probably to keep up the dad facade. So, I'm right there with you!

OMG TS, the juicing lol. No, my h and I did try a juice fast once and I lasted 1 day, while he lasted 2  . Your h sure does take his health seriously (insert many eye rolls). And that list! (more eye rolls) That's equally infuriating as ridiculous, wow! Does she still work for him?

No real updates on the 90-day fiancee guy  , I watched one season of the show and then I had enough. I will say that lately, every show I'm watching seems to include some type of MLC, betrayal, divorce, etc. Or maybe I'm just now noticing it? I did order Britbox on amazon because I absolutely love British shows (and I don't have cable).

Thank you for asking about my son and me (can you show my h how to do that?  . We are doing surprisingly well. During the phase that I now call limbo, I hated vacation time, probably because I was feeling depressed, and worried, and could not get my mind to stop. Now, however, I find that I'm loving it again. I live in an urban area next to a major city so there are lots of things to do (Still not feeling ready for a trip). We are also being very lazy, lots of doordash, sleeping in and naps :-). I am of course handling it all on my own, but I am starting to feel more encouraged and hopeful about my solo parenting. Having said that, I don't think my s is getting the level of involved parenting that he needs, which is not fair, but that's on m h.

I think there was a discussion about this on the other thread, but I do not for the life of me understand how a father can abandon his child. On one of the MLC explanation threads, common excuses were discussed and one of them was "It's not abandonment because I still support him financially." I think my h lives by this one.

Anyway, enough about him, how are you doing this week?

[thissucks7788]

Hey Tsun,
Great update!  I am actually surprised to hear that H responded back immediately to your message and showed up at the virtual meeting for s's school.  Are those things out of character for the "new" him?  I thought he has pretty much been involved like zero.  So maybe I'm not remembering correctly but if so-- I think it is interesting.  Perhaps a new phase?  You're probably right though about the dad facade.  I think they tell themselves certain things to rationalize that they are still being a good husband/father etc... I just learned about Cognitive dissonance, and I think this may fall into this category if I'm understanding the concept correctly.  For example, my H said he never crossed a moral line b/c he never touched the other "woman" (Like he had a choice, lol). He also said he would have broken up with me first before physically doing anything (awe, how sweet, I'm touched-NOT).  So just like you said about giving financial support, so they think they are not abandoning their family.

That is great progress that you're loving the vacation time again and bonus to getting more comfortable with solo parenting.  I really believe you just start to get into a new normal after a while.  Nothing wrong with sleeping in, door dash, naps etc... I could go for a little bit of that myself.  How cool that you live by a major city so if you decide to go out and do things, you will have lots of options.  Interesting that you don't have cable.  Xfinity raised their rates and I think I may try to "cut the cord".  I'm nervous to do it though, lol.  However, I think it is time.  Enjoy Britbox!  I hear what you're saying about MLC's all over TV.  Apparently (although I didn't see it) there is a show called Uncoupled on that everyone says screams MLC. 

I'm doing okay this week--not too much new to report. I have been slowly collecting financial documents (I'm doing what you said about using the date of separation so looking for March statements).  I have no idea if it will come to D or not.  Most seem to so I want to be prepared for whatever happens.  Other than that, no real drama and like you just getting used to the new normal.  Still going out and GALing, but overall feeling more settled into a routine.  I still wake up in the a.m. though and wonder wtf happened. I suspect it will be with me for a long time.

Anyway, I hope the school meeting with s went well (those meetings with the school can be tricky).  I feel like even though this sucks that we are both making forward progress.  Quick story before I wrap up...A few days ago, I was walking with my neighbor and a beautiful monarch butterfly crossed our path and was hanging around us.  I took a picture of it.  Today in front of my kitchen window another beautiful monarch butterfly flew across.  Without getting too wacky, I sort of felt like that was a sign of good things to come.  At least that's the story I'm sticking with.

Have a great rest of the week! xo