Link to last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12208.0

I am never more grateful for this group than when something happens that makes me want to scream into the universe when I get an unfortunate look into my MLC XH's mindset.

Today he v helpfully FORWARDED me (with no commentary) an article from the NYT ydy that one of his clients sent him in Ask the Therapist /Lori Gottlieb https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/22/well/mind/ask-therapist-affair-kids.html  - where she advises a wife NOT to tell the kids their dad had an affair - which is the reason they divorced. And that her perspective of his affair is only 'her' truth and telling your kids may come from a desire to get revenge on him so keep it to yourself. And in fact his perspective may be that it was just his natural reaction to a marriage that was already dying. So basically, nothing is his fault and if you tell the truth about it, you are a bad person. I am paraphrasing here, because in this case the kids were teens who never asked about the divorce and the woman in question did not want to tell them. However, I am absolutely incensed that a) my XH felt he needed to forward this to me like a bullet (I've already told our daughter and he knows that, who asked constant and unceasing questions btw)  b) he is telling his clients this bull$h!te story that our marriage was dead therefore he did what came naturally and c) any and all marriage breakdowns have two sides to them that are equally valid and both are right.

As someone who was blindsided by a spouse of 13 years that began resenting me, withdrawing, having an illicit affair and then blindsiding me with an entirely new persona, set of values, wardrobe, nose (in this case) and running 12,000 miles away, with no interest in really parenting or supporting his children - I am really, really angry that this kind of thinking is being encouraged for him.

I feel like he's been spinning since the day he decided he would not end his affair and he would embrace his new, entirely selfish life across the world. He started by telling anyone who would listen that our sex life was awful, I was frigid, hated sex, turning him down all the time (all lies), and now it's that our marriage was already dead, he had no choice, and the kids should know it was a 50/50 breakdown of our marriage with no details or blame ascribed to anyone. My children are 8 and 11. They are completely damaged by the abandonment of their dad, who ran off with a RICH Russian granny (ex gf) and sold us all out for private jets and designer underwear.

As i parent alone, picking up the pieces daily of their rightful sense of loss and rejection, in addition to my own, I also have to contend with this kind of passive/aggressive tactics from him trying to solidify his narrative and gaslight me. When I responded to his email in an admitted 6am tirade about what the truth actually was 'This article has nothing to do with our story. You were depressed, you broke from unhealed trauma, and you ran away. You never tried to work on anything ! You denied there were any problems and yelled at me when I tried to talk about feeling lonely, or not as connected and asked you if you were considering an affair because of how cold you were to me - and you were already having one!  Our marriage was not dying, we were still saying I love you and meaning it - but you resented me for not being able to make America as great for you as it was for me and the kids and so you pulled away and punished me.  You abandoned your children, you are selfish beyond measure and a poor excuse for a father. And in the end they will know you chose a rich Russian granny over their mother and ultimately them."

His response was that he didn't really understand my long email and that he didn't want to fight over this article -and that he still loves me and the kids (and no one can change that!)  but that yes, he does blame me for the move to America, that I trapped him here and that his soul "was dying every day". He said ' you were happy there, with your master bedroom, and new car and excited about your work, and I was miserable and so things changed between us."  I think that's kind of  exactly what I said too! But the change was that he pouted like a giant, selfish baby and then blew up all of our lives as punishment for us succeeding where he'd failed.

That's what it feels like anyway!

Our divorce is final. He is no longer my problem or my husband. I know I need to not care what he tells people about us, or indeed what he tells himself, but it just feels like addiing insult to injury, to be betrayed AND THEN lied about! Has anyone ever felt this way?

I hope that in future, I can get an email like that from him and just be like, 'whatever' and delete it without caring.

I'm not there yet.

I am finished up the semester and it has come with the regular ups and downs. I don't know why it still surprises me how tired I feel by the time things are wrapping up.

Of course, as if the universe knows, it piled on some more things, just to see how much I could take. D's car, which has low miles had to be taken in as it is having transmission issues. She was home for a five week break - with two weeks left before having to go back when this happened. She has been working while home and that made scheduling a bit tough. The repairs are still being determined and I found myself agitated beyond just the repairs when I found out Xh has been traveling. He also is in the midst of building a new office, renovating "his" house, refurbishing a camper and restoring a truck. He also decided to pay for S's hotel when S goes out of state to see a concert.

It wasn't the money, tbh that got me a bit upset. It is the lack of any contact with D. It is the same theme that runs through my head, which is almost comical it is so predictable. The fact that D, when she finds these things out as well, finds herself conflicted. It means I am usually going to encounter D processing and potentially lashing out. It wasn't bad this round. She has benefited from therapy immensely.

A few weeks back, my person came to visit and D shocked me by asking them if they would participate in an event with her. She bowed out, as she was exhausted from exams. Yet, this wonderful person of mine still participated because they made a promise. They showed up and D clearly noted it, even when she didn't say a word.

To add to the mayhem that particular weekend, my M had two ER visits that week leading up to the event. I had expressed that my person didn't have to come as I couldn't say what the weekend would bring. I wasn't surprised in reality, but perhaps I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility they wouldn't. Silly me. Nope. They were there and supportive. Taking my F places while my sister and I worked on getting M back home from her hospital stay. He showed up. My family clearly noticed. It wasn't some big superhero cape moment, but just consistent and what a partner does.

The semester ended, but I have responsibilities which now includes helping my F manage things at their house. (M is better, but we have some hurdles to manage). My sister takes on some things when she can and currently D and S help when they can. My niece is pitching in now that she is home. It is an adjustment since M was the one who managed so many things in terms of finances, meals, etc. My F does a good job, but he is overwhelmed taking it all on suddenly at the age of 87. He is still working in his studio, so we are also mindful of him needing that mentally and it fuels him. It has been a lot to adjust to. We are all committed to making sure they can age in place, as long as possible. 

Part of me was triggered with the first ER visit, as I hadn't been in that ER since FIL lived with us. Xh was "too busy" with Schmoopie (a fact I didn't know at that time) and I ended up there twice with FIL. I recalled SIL was not willing to come either, since she figured I had it under control. Walking into that particular ER brought that odd feeling right back, but fortunately I had my F there with me and my sister was on her way. Then I rounded the corner at one point and one of the nurses was someone who I knew from high school. A guy that had been a good friend that I hadn't seen in probably 20 years. I heard him call my name and I turned and found him giving me a huge hug. I needed that in that moment. It also worked out that he was able to take on helping care for my M before his shift ended and that brought a sense of calm to everyone, as my M recognized him.

As I sat here this morning making countless calls and changing appointments to make things align with my parent's calendar, I was on hold at one point. I was thinking about when was the last time I saw Xh be a true partner for me. In that selfless manner. He was always there for the kids up until FIL arrived on the scene and Schmoopie. He had moments of being there for me, but I am pretty certain I can pin point the last time I felt like he was there for me. It was before his M died. He used to be caring and stepped up. I am hard pressed to think of a time when he cared for me consistently after his M died.

This isn't a bash on Xh moment. It is realizing perhaps how much his M's death and him not grieving it made him retreat inside of himself. It is me also realizing that the moment I had last month, of just looking at this man of mine and realizing the type of security I feel is something that has been gone for years. MIL died in 2004. Maybe in part is realizing how I have been "alone" in many ways longer than I realized. MLC simply put it into overdrive. Somehow, I over time just accepted things the way they were. And, it wasn't all bad. He was a good dad and we had some great years. Yet, I also am realizing more and more that I was often "alone" in my marriage when Xh had his ups and downs. I just accepted them and maybe at the time I was okay with it. I realize I am not willing to just accept that type of relationship any longer.

I can list so many wonderful qualities and moments, but in that moment it really was that this man just showed up even though he didn't know what he might be stepping into. Willing to adjust our plans and putting up with that insane weekend. Something in that weekend changed with D as well. It certainly confirmed to my family, although they haven't said it out loud, that this man is special. We made sure we made time to go take the dog out for a walk and spend time together, but it wasn't exactly the weekend I think either of us had envisioned, especially since we hadn't seen each other in weeks.

Maybe in some ways as mad as I am with Xh at times, I also sort of pity him. I have often said knowing enough about Schmoopie, she will not stay around for the hard stuff. If Xh were to get sick, she won't care for him. She dumped her H because it wasn't "fun" anymore. He has a transactional relationship with S for the most part. He is around when it suits him. S dog sits and house sits when Xh needs help. There is not a regular day on the calendar where he sees S and Xh drives by weekly. He did strangely offer to take S for an MRI, and I wanted to believe it was because he was showing a smidge of his former self. Nah, it had strings attached to it. He needed something from S we would later find out.

The funny part was D was on her way home for break that day and S texted me to tell me Xh had offered to go to the MRI last minute. Xh then asked me if he could park across the street while he waited for S. I responded he could park in the driveway, as I have plenty of space. I didn't need my elderly neighbors freaking out because there was this vehicle stopped in between our houses. I didn't go outside, but he arrived an hour and a half before the MRI visit. The dog was going bezerk at first. I called D and warned her. I wasn't sure what her response would be. I just didn't want her to be blindsided. She laughed and said she wasn't going to have that be the moment she saw him. She said she knew how he might react if she showed up and he isn't wrong about it - he probably would behave like nothing has happened. She told me later she was fine and thanked me for letting her decide, but she said their possibility of reconciling was going to require some action on his part. She isn't going to leave it to a moment when he is potentially going to put on a good act in front of S. And she also didn't want to create any issues for S.

I sometimes see D and know she is grieving a relationship with Xh. It is very much like what I had to go through. In her case, I hope there is some form of closure.

There was a time when I wouldn't have believed I would ever get past the pain of the emptiness I felt when Xh left. I never thought I would stop standing and hoping for him to come back. I certainly didn't anticipate a new relationship where I would have a secure sense of trust. It was something that started out as a friendship, then I had in my head I must be just infatuated and told myself I was crazy, but as time went on that wasn't the case. It went a whole other way. IDK where it leads. I don't honestly have an endgame or care in terms of I am letting it just unfold however it needs to. It has been three years of just the two of us meandering on this path together and even with life's complexities and hurdles, I am in a much better place than I ever could have imagined.

If Xh were to come back and say he wanted to reconcile, that was something I once fantasized about when this all materialized. While I do not wish him harm, there are moments where I wish I didn't know what he was up to at all. It is a reality that I have had to accept - I am probably always going to stumble upon things about him. Through S or just randomly running into him - it is bound to happen and has. I don't recognize who he is and maybe more importantly, I don't recognize parts of who I was then any longer. I have changed too much to want to go backwards and would not be able to accept the way things were then. I will support whatever relationship my kids choose to have with their F. I will not change who I am at my core and I will allow myself to be angry when I am angry, but I will do my best to keep taking the high road in terms of Xh.

Hello,

I watched the series as well. It's hard to classify the young lady as the OW as he was divorced when she was introduced as a character. However, Nick showed all the characteristics of MLC plus. He had already cheated on Anne in the past and he was very self absorbed in the relationship with Ginny was more about him and his feelings. This idea or notion of "You made me happy" or "You made him happy" is the false narrative of a sound relationship. It's the myth of eternal happiness. You noticed that Anne never stated that Nick made her happy. Instead, she mourned the loss of her role as "I am the person responsible for making Nick happy". In the end, it wasn't that Ginny and Nick were is a sound relationship. Anne just acknowledged that Ginny met the job requirements of "Making Nick happy". Nick even tried to keep the group together for his satisfaction and when he was with Ginny's friends, it wasn't that he was dealing with a generation gap, it was an interest gap. Nick wasn't really interested in her social group.

Nick's daughter called him out on his self absorption because after the play, he was angry that she challenged the role of the wife's role to bring happiness to Nick. He rage at her was because she didn't get the memo that his happiness comes first- even if it is at the expense of everyone else.

The other two couples were also very interesting. Claude and Danny also created the dynamic of the role to make someone happy. Claude was well meaning and very protective of Danny. However, that only created resentment and distance by Danny. The classic line was when Danny complained to Claude. "It's just sad, can't you just let me be sad?"

Kate and Jack were dealing with their own issues and Kate had a lot of contempt for Jack. In many circles, contempt can kill a relationship faster than an affair.   However, they were able to reestablish themselves at the end.

Overall, the series was good, but at the end, it fell for the "soul" mate notion that I completely reject as another myth. There are over eight billion people in the world and this idea that there is only one other person in the wide pool that is the one for you is ridiculous. I guess some parents are very good at finding these "soulmates" because divorce rates for arranged marriages are lower than find your own person.

Just my opinion and have a great day,

(((Ready)))

Oh my SS desperate aging single female alert!!!!   My old big brother from my sorority wants to date me. Calls me all the time. He called as I was leaving a NFL game. I was driving and he was on car speaker . When I got off my nieces friends said” Thats so cool you have suitors! “Hahahah I mean I am 62, but suitors?

Wow, I give you so much credit with having any communication 7 years out and still being able to move forward well. Although my XH  has moved many states away and has not contact with his kids or grandkids it has been helpful to detach and not have to worry about seeing him in any way. On the other hand it would be nice if we could be civil for our kids and just to not feel totally discarded.  I think everyyear after 2 there is huge progress on healing.