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Author Topic: My Story His MLC and my journey

H
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My Story His MLC and my journey
#130: March 26, 2024, 02:39:30 PM
I'm the first to admit, I had my own issues to work on and grew a lot during all of this. And really that still my number one piece of advice for anyone going through this. Work on yourself. That's the one thing you can 100% control and in a time when your world seems out of control...this will help.

I am newer on this forum.  Thanks for updating your story--otherwise I might not have found it.  It is truly inspirational.  Your thoughts on controlling the things you can are so important.  I have spent so much of my life trying to control things I couldn't.  I am still learning how to let go....and debate what I can actually control (like can I control how messy my teenagers room is?):-P
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M-23y T24y
Me 47
H-49
S21,D17,D12
BD1 9-21 BD2 9-22 Atomic Bd3 & ILYBNILWY 2-23
Moved to RV 5/2023
OW Discovery 7/23
Touch and Gos since 6/23
Reconnecting?

t
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#131: March 26, 2024, 03:19:18 PM
Kell, Wonderful to hear your update and so happy for you and H.  Please continue to check in from time to time.  I have also been reconciled with my H and things are going well.  I do struggle sometimes just with everything that happened but am doing the best I can to deal with my issues regarding this (and they are definitely my issues).  You and your story have been a real inspiration.  Thank you for your kindness in that you continue to post as it gives hope to many.
B
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#132: April 02, 2024, 02:49:45 AM
Kell, Wonderful to hear your update and so happy for you and H.  Please continue to check in from time to time.  I have also been reconciled with my H and things are going well.  I do struggle sometimes just with everything that happened but am doing the best I can to deal with my issues regarding this (and they are definitely my issues).  You and your story have been a real inspiration.  Thank you for your kindness in that you continue to post as it gives hope to many.
B

It would be great if you would update your story as well. There are not too many reconciliation stories here and it would give newbies s a perspective on what it is like
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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#133: April 02, 2024, 12:52:07 PM
So glad to hear things continue to go well. I think those that return quicker ( even if not  thought the norm for long term success) often are the ones that make it, because they have stopped the damage. The longer it goes, the more damage is done. Thank you for coming back periodically and updating. It is so good to hear ❤️
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

t
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#134: April 02, 2024, 01:41:00 PM
UrsaMajor- updated :)
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K
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#135: September 12, 2024, 11:40:53 AM
Just checking in.

 My brother is going through his own midlife crisis- up and split from his significant other that he's been with for 16 years. Swore up and down he's never been happy, they were wasted years and she's just the worst thing ever. "He's living for himself now", deserves to be happy and do what he wants etc. All the classic phrases verbatim. I noticed the signs and told him calmly and rationally that he shouldn't be so quick to act and think things through. Take time, be sure. If you are truly unhappy- figure out why. All of this was in January. In June he told us he met a girl (23) and was going to get married in January of 2025. I just shook my head. It's a very volatile relationship and he hates how immature she can be. Which brings us to last weekend when we had a family FaceTime with my older brother. mom, him and I. He asked us if he messed up with his "wife". It was quiet and then I said yes. I was honest. Honest in a way I wished people had been with my husband. You CAN love and care for someone and still call them out on crappy behavior. And he thanked me for doing that. Family is family and you should be able to have those conversations knowing they come from a place of love.

Anyway- my brother called her. She didn't answer. My mom and I have been in contact with her since he left. She was in our lives for 16 years, the only aunt my kids really know. I wish my husband's family had done the same. This whole situation has brought up some ptsd, feelings and emotions and long conversations with my husband. It has also made me realize just how common it is. AND also equally as common for people to just write it off and accept it. So crazy. "Oh he's just having a midlife crisis." Like that makes it ok or easier to grasp.

As for my husband and I, things are going great. Probably the best they have ever been. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary (or 26th depending on how you count it). He still has some depressive moments, but realizes when he's low and how it's affecting him. He wants to be better and he's looking for help with that. The biggest part is he realizes it's him, his disease and that blaming or projecting doesn't make it go away. Depression is chemical. And counseling can help with figuring out why you're displacing blame and anger. Helps you realize who your support team is and when you are chasing a temporary high to fight the darkness. Those highs are fleeting and at the end you are left by yourself and still unhappy.

Kids are still working things out with my husband. Oddly enough it's our youngest that's having the hardest time. I suggested joint counseling for just them. I'm not totally sure if my husband realizes how much him leaving and saying he didn't want to be a dad hurt her. Partly because he never loved his parents as deeply or unconditionally as our kids do. His parents were very stand offish and cold. So him really processing the difference will help.

I guess that's it. So thankful this rollercoaster is over however there were lots of lessons learned and strength gained through it all. I'm so sorry for everyone who is experiencing this. It's terrible and no words can alleviate that kind of pain, heart ache and confusion. Sending love and light and will keep checking in.

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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

K
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#136: October 01, 2024, 09:27:19 AM
Looking for help from admin on how to change my icon color...anyone know who to contact?
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

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#137: October 01, 2024, 07:49:30 PM
I posted to the Moderators thread about your inquiry.  Someone should be along to review it or give you instructions on that.   :)
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t
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#138: October 02, 2024, 08:18:08 AM
Hi Kell,
So glad to hear that things are going so well with you and your husband. It sounds like he has really reflected and learned some valuable lessons from the whole situation. 

However with your brother--- I never realized how common this thing is.  I guess no one ever does until they go through it.  As for the 23 year old being "immature" LOL.  I'm sure she is just being age appropriate.  But when in wuv with the new person at least initially they see things through the "halo effect" so all of those immature actions were cute--until they weren't.  I'm glad that you and your mom are there for your sister in law-she was probably in shock and horror when this all went down.  She's lucky to have you guys.  But I can totally see why this would trigger you.  Oh and I see no issue with you giving your brother the honest truth and some tough love.  Maybe he can put it all back together before it's too late. If his wife gives him another chance, he should consider himself very lucky and be grateful.   As a reconciled person for 2 years I can say that this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  You seem to be handling things better than I have for sure.  My H has been wonderful (until a slip up a few weeks back that sent me into a tailspin) but for me it has been darn near impossible to feel the same way about him and of course there is the whole trust issue.

Remind me Kell- did your H have an LO or AP?  Mine had an LO who was 30 years younger than him and  wasn't interested romantically-- H left for 5 months and then asked to return.  After taking things slow and dating for 2 months, I let him return home. We were doing well going on 2 years home now, getting close (well as close as I am able to) and moving along.  Around 2 weeks ago when I had to open up a FB for him for business reasons, I saw that he looked up his LO.  I was furious/disappointed and a whole other mix of emotions.  H was remorseful when confronted (but of course "forgot" he looked her up as he "drank a little too much" that night-but remembered when I whipped out the screen shot).  He has been trying to make this up to me ever since- but I have no idea how to feel about him.  I guess since you have been reconciled as well--I'm wondering your thoughts on this.  I'm sorry to make this about me--but when I saw your update I thought it was meant to be to get your input :) 

Please continue to update us with your brother.  I hope everything works out and of course continues to go well for you and your H.
xo
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« Last Edit: October 02, 2024, 08:23:15 AM by thissucks7788 »

 

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