[forthetrees]

Jeesh kabob! Either KA is really important to you or just come clean with her and let her decide if she wants to be a sorta kinda GF or not. It seems that you easily stray into hound dog territory or need some mighty big ego strokes.

[STP]

Forthetrees, she is important to me. Much of what I write is thoughts, not actions.

Journalling

Two weeks past my hernia surgery I am doing well. Pain is only present in one incision point when touched.

Went out a week later to finish the kayaking season. I was instructed to not lift more than 10 lbs so my tan blonde friend TBP offered and came to my house on her way to the creek and put it in my car for me. The sunset was pretty out on the lake for the nine of us who went. Afterwards was dinner at a restaurant like usual. TBP followed me after to put my kayak back in my garage for me. On Friday, my day off, she texted me to see how I was doing after the kayaking and we texted about several things throughout the day. Sadly she wasn’t going to make it to my wine party. (My friend ET mentioned in my last post didn’t either).

Friday night I was at KAs as she has her daughter, and as often, we were on the couch watching tv. I fell asleep and woke up shortly later to see KA reading my conversation with TBP off my phone. She has never done that before. She was not pleased about a few things: TBP saying KA is difficult to talk to, me saying I had put songs specifically for her in my party playlist and previously stating I don’t really text with other women. KA asked me if she had any reason to worry. I said no.

My red wine party was great fun with 30 open bottles. The next day KA suggested joining the hiking group for a walk and lunch. Friend ET led that and the weather was nice. Now what to do with all the leftover wine.

[Treasur]

I am not sure if you don’t care much or are distracted or bad at boundaries or just being dumb. From my recollection, over the last few years you have had a couple of close encounters with women that are beyond ‘friendly’ that KA does not know about? You had dinner and a bit of fantasy metaphorical masturbation with a woman in your last post even though you said you knew KA wouldn’t like you having dinner with another woman. But you did it anyway.

Again, if I recall right, KA said to you a couple of months ago something to the effect that she feels the two of you are not sharing time and experiences that are unique to you? And has more than once expressed discomfort or discontent with some of the attendees at your group get togethers? And now she has checked your phone….and found some text messages she perhaps didn’t like much.

Earth to STP.
Women don’t check their partner’s phone unless they are a) very controlling or b) they know their partner has been unfaithful before and they can’t trust him or c) their spidey-sense instinct is telling them to look. Either way, for most women, it’s a big deal to do so - in 20 years it never occurred to me to check my h’s phone until just before BD when my instincts were screaming too loud to ignore,

Which of these is it?
And why do you seem to shrug these things off as not being very important?
Perhaps they - and your relationship with KA - are not very important to you. But that’s at odds with what you say, so idk.
It’s ok if it isn’t….but it would be honest and respectful to ensure KA gets the memo.
Or start behaving like someone who is in a long-term committed monogamous relationship that is important to him with someone he respects.
Or negotiate something in the middle when both people have the same factual information to base their choices on.

Most of us here, maybe all of us, know what it’s like to be lied to and treated with disrespect. And omissions of truth are in the same ball park as lying, aren’t they? If you told KA the truth about some of the dinners and encounters you have had with various female ‘friends’ of changing initials, would KA feel the same about you or stay in the relationship? Bc if there is even a small chance that your answer to either might be No, you are manipulating KA and removing her agency to make informed choices about her own life.

Idk why you are doing what you are doing or treating KA and even her kid as you are….or even posting about it here, sometimes tbh sounding as if you are rather proud that AB or CD or XY invited you to look at their etchings or sent you drunken sexy msgs……but as a former LBS, it sucks to read and I would hope that you are and want to be a better kind of man than that.

[Treasur]

You’ve been on my mind STP and so I took a trip back through some of your earlier posts.

I meant what I said in my last post but I also wanted to balance that out with other things in the spirit of fairness and empathy.

I think a lot of LBS here - including me - who struggle post divorce and feel a bit lonely could learn a lot from how you set about opening up your world to new activities and new people. Reading back, it was/is rather inspiring and started me thinking about actions to take in my own life.

The other thing is that the amount of gaslighting and blame-shifting you received from your xw in 2016 was horrific. Awful to read and tremendously unfair. And that you were betrayed by both her and a long-standing friend which is a lot to deal with.  There was a lot of ‘the problem is not what I’ve done, it’s your reaction to what I’ve done so dance harder….’ Awful. Not uncommon here that kind of manipulation but still awful. Reading back, I also had a sense that, maybe even before BD, your xw was pretty controlling and that sometimes perhaps you were afraid of her anger….certainly coming out fighting seemed to be her No 1 go to.

I can imagine that 2016 left you feeling really quite desperate for some validation and appreciation as a person and as a man. It really must have been very rough for you and I’m so sorry.

What I hadn’t remembered is how your GAL activities had moved you so quickly into the land of female ‘friends’ with interchangeable initials or how quickly post BD2 you started spending time with a range of other women. And that a number of them blew pretty hot and cold on you at a time when you were probably pretty vulnerable. What I can see is, from the adult cheap seats over here lol - is that there was a lot of behaviour going on that was like a bunch of superannuated teenage drama.

All of which made me start wondering if the shape of where you are today - good and not so much - was in reality born from people you met in 2016 and your understandable way of self-medicating how STP 2016 felt then and choices he made in that time? And then sort of became an habit, a new normal that continued with KA on the edge of your life? And perhaps she senses that? Obviously this perspective is worth what you paid for it which is absolutely nothing ha ha….and you have the right to live your life as you choose. But listening to STP 2016, he sounds like someone who values commitment and who knew what it felt like to trip over someone else’s lies and half-truths, who knew what it felt like to be disrespected and devalued and manipulated.

Idk how close STP 2016 is to STP 2024. Or the ways in which you see the world differently now than then. But if there is any sliver of you that feels you may be doing KA (or yourself) a disservice, I would encourage you to think about finding a decent IC to figure out how you want to approach some issues like sloppy boundaries and control and anger and honesty just in case you are inadvertently dragging along old luggage that you no longer need.

As always, jmo. And I wish you only good things x