[heartbeat]

I don’t want to be here but here I am, because the last few months I’ve been lurking and I truly don’t have anywhere else to turn for this.

For the record of this forum, hi, I’m a heartbeat. For context purposes, I’m a 34 year old nonbinary person who looks like Tinkerbell and I accept she/her pronouns but honestly am more of a they/them. I like to joke that I am not a woman but I have woman-shaped problems. I include this with an open heart and a lot of fear of rejection, but I’m trying to be candid as I unpack my unfortunate journey through all this.

I’m bisexual, and the partner I was with was my heart and soul for eleven years. Never married (he had commitment issues and… well… ughhhh) and neither of us ever wanted kids. Adopted two cats during the pandemic. I got together with him when I was 23. He is 14 years older than me. Within months of meeting and LDR kind of dating, I moved to his home country (South Africa). There was some challenge there, but he sponsored my visa as a partner. It was a beautiful time. We both loved travel, good veg cooking, and creative pursuits. I’ve been a freelance illustrator and graphic designer since then, as I studied it in college. He always had somewhat more stable jobs in tech. Combined with his older age, he was always more of the breadwinner, but for a long time it didn’t matter. He had a house when I met him, an inherited property from family. I liked living abroad and hadn’t wanted to live in my home country for quite some time anyway.

We had our ups and downs through the relationship. I was fairly upfront about my queerness, and my feelings toward it. He discovered some about his own identity both with gender and sexuality, and our relationship was a safe place for it. There’s more depth to that subject, but I’m not sure I want to put it out there. It’s important to me to note that I grew a lot in that time, and in turn I did what I could to create that love and safety around me. This was especially important because honestly, South Africa is a somewhat conservative place and has the troubles of a post-conflict nation.

I’ve never had the most stable career, but in 2019 I was making real moves. I had been going to trade shows and trying to network. I really felt like I was close to a breakthrough in spite of my anxiety around turning 30. The economy of South Africa is and was bad, but I had a lot of hope that I could still reach international clients and just find enough. I had side hustles galore, but I really was trying. Then, in early 2020, I learned my grandfather was dying. I needed to go visit the US to say goodbye. There were warnings brewing around Covid, but I had no idea what was about to happen. I boarded a flight in March expecting to be a little more cautious around travel, but I only had one chance. Two days after I landed, firetruck me running, the borders shut. I cannot express the level of stress I felt. I was not only dealing with a familial death, but literally the whole world shut down, and I would not be able to get home. I’m condensing a lot here, but this trauma is important for me to mention. Because of the restrictions around the borders, it took me eight months to return home to my partner. I lost all my income. I barely had time to process the family loss because the whole world slid from underneath me. And dealing with the bureaucracy of South Africa, which was tenuous even outside a crisis, made me realize how unstable I would always be there as a non-citizen.

When I did return, I hoped things would improve. They did, sort of, but my partner and I were both struggling. I developed some intense PTSD symptoms. The crime in the area that we were living in had risen amid the crisis, and with no vaccines in sight yet, I became extremely hypervigilant. My eyelids no longer open all the way and I suspect it’s because of how little I could sleep or function. He was in a toxic job that paid extremely well. He held on to it because he felt it would be good for his retirement, and I had little I could say. At that point we lived in his house together. He didn’t mind being the primary earner, he always had been, but I was struggling because all my means of income and side hustles along with my PTSD were making it hard to work. Neither of us wanted to stay, so we began looking at options for moving abroad. The conversation was not new- being that we came from different countries, it was a frequent conversation over years of our relationship. We chose the Netherlands for the reason that we’d both have visa options. At the tail end of 2022, we moved together.

Now, I realize this is a lot of run up, but it does feel important to contextualize what I think was the decline. Cut to 2023. He worked for the same company that he hated and had been running into the ground. I’ve not had significant income for years, and I desperately was trying to rebuild. I got rejected from every single job I applied for that year. My fear and frustration were off the charts. In tandem, he was showing symptoms of burnout. I blamed myself. I worried for him. His income was enough, but he was unable to detatch from his work. He would mention work every time he was in a room with me. He would crash at the end of the day and want to do nothing but watch TV. Once, he took a phone call from his job while we were in bed together. When I asked him questions about anything in the future, he’d get irritable. I was hard on myself because I feared I wasn’t doing enough. For a few months, I convinced him to go on burnout leave, so he was able to stop working and still pulled a salary. It wasn’t enough. I decided to try to build a new freelance business and get a visa that way, because I wanted to help him switch jobs.

I found out during 2023 that the grandparent who died had left some inheritance. Not a lot, but it was something to get me started again. I was open and transparent with him about my plans, but money was always a stressful subject for me. I was worried of failing, I was worried of things going wrong. Our apartment was too expensive and we both spoke of moving. At some point, I reminded him that I’d be happy to even move to a different country if he was too unhappy with this one. I was facing my own burnout from hypervigilance and PTSD, but I ultimately wanted him to be happier and not crashing all the time. When he did this, he’d cite his job, and I believed him. At one point he said he fantasized about traveling around the world for a year. There were things he wanted to do before 50. I was a bit alarmed and confused because he had also said he wanted to retire early. He said he wanted a European passport, which was a time investment of around 5 years, and he had also already invested almost a year. I said I’d be fine with him doing some solo travel, but a year did feel like a lot, and I wanted to know more. He brushed it off and said it was just a fantasy. Stupid me for trusting, because I trusted that the man who didn’t lie for the many years of our relationship was still there and was telling the truth.

In November of 2023, a few months before our lease was up, I finally was able to access the inheritance. I asked him to look over the email and my sheets for a business plan so I could withdraw some and get things started. I was extremely anxious at this time but trying to see the bright side. Finally, I could significantly contribute and maybe turn things around. Finally, I could help him. The minute I sent the email, the bomb dropped, to use the phrasing of this board.

I didn’t know what to think, because he began saying things that barely made sense. He told me he wanted a relationship, but he no longer wanted a nesting relationship. Smiles. Hugs. I was confused. He said he wanted to go travel and take a solo trip home. We had spoken about that in the year and I thought it was a good idea, but I was confused by the framing until he said he didn’t think he was going to come back to the Netherlands. He said he didn’t want to move. He said he had to be free to find himself. firetruck, so this was a breakup then? I asked and he said… no. I asked if there was someone else. He said no. I asked him if I could visit him at some point in these travels. Again, the answer was no. I asked if I could contact him even and he said he wanted to go no-contact for a while. I grew extremely upset, because none of it was making sense, and I asked what that left of the relationship and he said it was a ‘strong emotional bond.’ I asked him ‘oh, so just vibes?’

Of course the confusion got laced with other things too. He said I was a backpack. When I told him this was calling me a burden, he denied it. Then he followed up by saying that he felt like he had been bailing out a sinking ship and had to swim for shore. He said I simply had to choose my best option and ‘save myself.’ He compared our relationship to carrying a wounded hiker down a mountain. He said he was like a bird who wanted to fly away and I was holding him down to the nest. It made no sense, and it hurt. He said he still loved me. He said he still wanted a future with me. But then when I said that his leaving in this way put a lot on me, he’d get upset, and then deny he was angry at all.

His abandonment left me in an extremely bad place. Because I wasn’t the breadwinner, finding new housing was near impossible. There is a housing crisis of note in the Netherlands. I can barely prove income because I’m trying to get up again. Here I finally had the chance, and it was coming apart. I noted this and he smugly said ‘you can do it.’ He mocked me in tone. I couldn’t keep the place we were in, it was far too expensive, and I wasn’t eligible to be the lease holder. I suddenly was on the hook for thousands in expenses around a visa change at the exact same time. My lifeline was shrinking rapidly, and I had to re-write an entire business plan, because I had just lost the overhead. When I laid all this out, he acted guilty (not remorseful, guilty). He offered some financial help, which I took. He said he felt like he was actually doing a lot to help. It was a mess.

I ended up finding a place through a freak stroke of luck with a friend of a friend in a house not far from the city we had been based in. It took weeks of wading through all this. All the while, he would say he loved me, but then flip-flop. I love you, I want a future. I have to go, I have to fix myself. I can’t fix myself in the context of our current relationship. To our queer friends, he’d say that we were rearranging our relationship dynamic. To our straight ones, he’d say we were separating. To me, he’d say he wanted something in the future but if I felt like he couldn’t be what I needed, I should just make the best decision for myself. Essentially I believe he was trying to force me to call off the relationship while making me do the work of the breakup. I howled and cried and he said he couldn’t handle my big emotions. I suggested counseling and he went back and forth on it. He said he just couldn’t commit to anything.

I asked about dating other people or having sex and what he expected. Of course, at first he said no. And then, the truth slithered out. He wanted the freedom to go have sex with people. In his words, while laughing in my face, he said he needed to ‘have some fun.’ While my life was falling apart he tried to make this sound innocent. The deepest irony to me is that our relationship has always included being somewhat open. Sex wasn’t the problem or the dealbreaker, it was clearly about the relationship, but he got SO angry when I noted this. And then he would say he didn’t feel anger, while balling his fists up and squirming his face and shutting down in front of me. Then we’d make up. He’d say how much he loved me. We slept in the same bed and I’d cry at night.

There are books of detail I’m skimming over, there’s so many hurtful things. But it was hell to be in limbo. I refused to call things off because if I did, then it would be ‘my’ responsibility. And truthfully, I didn’t want it. After 11 years he was still the only person I wanted to be with, but he disappeared in front of me.

This carried on until February. Weeks before I had to get out of the apartment, his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. His big plans of traveling were suddenly very changed. Two days before he left, he finally said he wanted to break up because it was the only way to ‘rebuild.’ There’s so much detail in this story I can’t even recount. I said it wasn’t fair and he acted childish. This entire time had felt like a breakup for me, one that I carried all the weight for, and he had refused to cop to it until the very last moment.

I moved, and I have spent weeks just stabilizing. My new place isn’t what I need in life but it’s fine. I’m sitting here typing this because I am out of energy. I’ve still barely been able to work. Most of the last month and a half has been admin and cleanup. I am living with the owner of the house. The shower has an electrified handle that the owner isn’t fixing, and I can’t legally get someone involved without having to also live with her for the remainder of this year, so I have had to go to the gym to shower. My cats can live here, for which I’m grateful, but it’s expensive, and I’m currently living off the inheritance while trying to get freelance work. I haven’t made much money at all since this happened and I will never stop feeling bad about it.

He went no contact for March. At the end, he emailed me and… no remorse. No nothing. After all his plans of traveling the world, he’s looking for a place in South Africa because he says he needs stability. I get that his dad’s cancer is part of this and not his fault, but the irony hurts. He left behind all the photos and physical mementos of the relationship because he said he’d be living out of a backpack, but then he took his cookware. The hurt is so tender. He emailed again a couple weeks ago to update about his dad and said he understood if I couldn’t respond. The trouble is, I’m in so much pain and I barely know how to process it. How can I let this person back in? If I tell him I’m doing well, he gets to excuse himself for all the pain he’s caused and minimize it, as he did while leaving. If I’m honest about my struggle, he will shut down and turn it back on me, as he did while leaving. I dream of him coming back. I worry no one will ever love me again. And yet I can’t respond.

I have about a million more details. I’m mainly just tired. I wish I could shower at home. I worry no one will ever love me again. I’m worried I’ll run out of money and get kicked out of the country. Nobody is safe to be around. The acknowledgement of my gender and sexuality doesn’t exist with a straight roommate who is kind, but can only offer advice on straight relationships and women empowering themselves. It’s an incredibly isolating experience and I wish I could find my crowd. I don’t have a lot of friends here because I’ve only just cleared a year, and honestly, I can barely get up some days.

I’ve tried to confide to friends who don’t live close and I have a lot who are helpful, some who are not. A lot are saying ‘you just gotta pick yourself back up and take responsibility!’ It’s infuriating because I… have. I moved myself and my cats, I go to the gym, I have re-started my business even if it hasn’t made money. I went through the grueling process of a move and I’m still working through a visa change. I’ve done my tax stuff and I have begun to find little events to go to again in an attempt to balance off my extremely limited budget with my mental health. I’ve stayed on my antidepressants and I go to the gym (now a necessity because I can’t even shower at home). I genuinely wish I could just make enough money and move out. But firetruck… I’m so angry. I’m so sad. The betrayal of his resentment building and no attempt to fix things, and then dangling preposterous ideas in front of me while saying he tried his best is too much to bear.

I have to go shower, which means, I have to get up. I have to go the the gym. I have to go to a public shower after getting a workout in. My bones are tired and all I’ve done today is cry.

I’m not sure why I’m posting, honestly, but I have to try something. No one in my immediate life seems to understand this experience at all. It’s so eerie to read stories on here sometimes because of how similar it is, so I have to try to find anyone who can understand.

This is a mess, sorry. I really do have to go leave my house so I can shower and I just hope I can do it without sobbing and feeling dysphoric in the women’s room hoping that no one notices.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

[MadLuv]

For me what helped to click in my mind was that I felt insane because I could not under who I believe d him to be could be or was capable of what he did. I had to accept that he was an avoidant that held resentments for years and then decided he was entitled to do what he needed to do. The most important thing was to stop having expectations of him. I was holding him to MY standards. What I couldn’t possibly do, but he was not me.  They are weak individuals who escape life instead of looking within and there is nothing you can do. Nothing!!! They have to do the work.

[heartbeat]

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

I wish I could do this.

I don’t think I can.
He said he loved me even as he walked away, and I don’t know how to believe that anymore. I miss so many things but he never loved me. He never cared. He never wanted me. I wasted my entire youth on someone who would turn around and call me a burden and I believe it and I want to lay down on train tracks.

[KayDee]

Dear Heartbeat,

So sorry you are here and that you are in the midst of such pain. Your partner is in crisis. He hit a point of being so overwhelmed that his coping mechanisms failed. He fractured and reverted to the maladaptive coping tactic of running. It's very, very common on this forum to see someone do this when their partner needs them the most. Sometimes it is good pressure (new baby, new house, exciting career promotion), sometimes bad (lost job, bereavement etc). The crisis person, perhaps already burdened with their own depression, own dis-ease, seems not to be able to handle the additional needs of their partner. So, in this respect, it is true that your partner felt a 'burden' - but it is only the normal 'load' that we take on in the ebbs and flows of a mutually supporting and loving relationship. Can you reframe this? Think of it as him not being able to cope enough to keep his own mental health afloat. If he does not have enough for himself, he won't have much left for you. None of this is an excuse for bad behaviour, or the terrible choices some people make when they hit crisis, but if you can try to reframe it -  that it is not about you - it will really help you start to put one foot in front of the other. Get on the path to your healing and strength, so that, if you choose to be with your partner again in the future, you are strong and able to handle the challenges of reconnecting.

The things your partner says now? Well, you can already hear that they are confused and all over the place. So many of us here heard 'I love you' one day and 'I don't the next'. My H said 'this relationship is everything I want' and the next day 'we have no future'. Now, 20 odd months in, he can't remember saying any of it. This is also common. So better not to hold onto these words, because they are like cries of pain. (Treasur calls them emotion burps )

Some other wise folks will come along and give you more input. My advice will be similar I suspect. Focus on yourself - if you can get therapy do it ASAP. Confide in a close friend or family member (try to avoid doing this with mutual friends, it gets messy), take exercise and if you are able, focus on something productive - like your business venture. Your H says you can do it, and I suspect he is right. You can. Perhaps it's too early for this, but sometimes having some positive distractions can be amazing.

Your partner cannot cope with any pressure at the moment - if you can, drop the emotional rope. Let him be, he has internal issues only he can work out on his own. It is hard - most of us will say it is the hardest thing we've ever had to endure, but if you have been reading other stories you will see, we all get through it, most of us with added strength and life skills. Perhaps it is too early for you to hear this also, but I want you to know, you will be alright. Hugs, KD

[Helpnewc]

Dear Heartbeat,

Don’t do that. I do get the feeling.

He is telling himself a story to justify what he is doing. He did love you. Something has snapped and it does not make the past a lie.

I am 2 years in. It does get better and although I wanted the pain to end. I have seen the harm that an act of self harm does to those left behind. I don’t mean to be critical of those that get there, as they see no other way and think the world is better without them.

That is how they feel but it’s not the truth.


I get how you are feeling. I have been there. It’s a place a never thought you thought you would be.

So let’s do the basics, you need to eat, you need to exercise, you need to sleep. Make some plans about that and also find someone to talk to who is a professional.

You will survive. Many here have. You will be a better person than you are although it is a $h!te way to get there.

[UrsaMajor]

Dear Heartbeat,

Oh yeah, been there, felt that. I was in the (maybe) enviable position of being in a VERY high-stress period in my job so I could focus on that instead of the bat-snot crazy that was coming out of MLCxW's mouth in terms of revisionist history. 

Just to make the point clear in an example that this has NOTHING to do with you - If you absolutely hated eating liver and onions and going to the gym, would you REALLY eat live and onions and go to the gym every day for 7 - 8 years? Not only that, would you move to a different country, and then STILL keep eating liver and onions as well as finding a brand new gym  to join so you could go to the gym in your new place of residence? Probably not.  Just proves the point that, no matter the spew coming out now, it was NOT "always" that way.  It is what he is telling hiimself (and you) so he can justify his actions and not have to feel like the "bad guy."

Like others have said, now is the time for you to take care of you. Eating, sleeping, exercise (even if that means taking a walk in the fresh air - the Netherlands are getting a bit of a storm at the moment  I know - I am in Germany and we're getting it tomorrow), meditation/prayer/therapy - whatever suits you and fills your needs are super important at the moment.

Also, in my tagline, there is a link to the "Survival Guide" for those who have had the bomb dropped on them. In it there is LOTS of information on getting your own 2 feet firmly back under you after having the rug pulled out from under your feet.....

This is a community of people who have been through what you are going through in some fashion so you will find support here. Since we are a world-wide group, there is almost always someone online from somewhere in the world so you can likely expect someone to reply within a few hours to half a day.

In the meantime, channel your inner Tinkerbell <grin>

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi everything hurts,
So sorry that you are going through this heartache and pain. It is as much physical as it is mental.
Some of the things they say are horrible.
My MLCER for example doing the first few years into BD told me he would choose the OW over me anyway and yesterday he claimed he never said such a thing and has always wanted me and that i have not accepted him and have given him a tough time so anotger reaso that our relationship will not work.  We start questioning our reality. ( still doing it, the vets here will guide you and give you the right insight)
Take care because extreme thoughts are very common. Please remember you are precious. And no matter what the mlcer says like UM says many a times they talk just to spite and hurt you.
It takes a lot of time to start crawling let alone standing up.
You need good friends who you can confide in and if possible therapy. It helps. Sending hugs

[Treasur]

First of all, I am so so sorry that both you and your partner have had these last few years full of turmoil and uncertainty. I say that first bc it is real and it takes a toll, and imho it’s important to be kind and realistic with oneself about that.

And what that toll tends to highlight is that people react to it in different ways. Yours was to try harder to rebuild a shared life in a place that felt safer. Your partner’s was essentially to bin the old shared life and run away. As someone else said, it is not uncommon here that these folks do this following significant life events, when life gets a bit tough or when the LBS is overwhelmed dealing with something else. It is very early on for you so it will be hard for you to see the wood for the trees yet, but these reactions - yours and his - say much more about who you are when life gets hard and very little about who the other person is. But you might need to hear that this isn’t your fault, that you did not cause it and that it is not something you could have controlled or changed.

Dear Heartbeat,

There is something about discovering a level of pain you did not know that existed and being in that undiscovered country that makes you lose your way. When the one you trust and loved the most disappears and transforms into a creature you did not recognise it is fundamentally destabilising.

But yes, it has happened and they are not there anymore. I thought for years my wife was in there but I have realised she is not.

The years of resentment. Bottling up feelings builds to this place. And a level of cruelty to you that is difficult to comprehend because you did not know you have built that resentment. And the lack of any will to repair is incomprehensible.

But as hard as all that is. And it is frigging hard. There is nothing rational going on and there is nothing you can do to change that mindset of your loved one.

What you can do is it accept that is where he is and make good decisions for you. Whatever those decisions are.

But it is awful and wrong. I laughed for the first time in two years with my daughters today. I miss my wife each day but I know she is gone.

But what I am slowing building is a new life. New connections and gathering strength.

You will do that too. But somehow letting go of that person is hard.

But you have time. Use it. And also don’t throw out the good. It was there. It was real.

I wish I could do this.

I don’t think I can.
He said he loved me even as he walked away, and I don’t know how to believe that anymore. I miss so many things but he never loved me. He never cared. He never wanted me. I wasted my entire youth on someone who would turn around and call me a burden and I believe it and I want to lay down on train tracks.

I don’t know if what you said here was a momentary throw away line or if you are having serious thoughts about ending your life. I am going to treat it as if some part of you meant what you said though.

Seems pretty reasonable to me that you might feel this way at the moment. You have lost a lot. You have had a tough few years. And you find yourself currently living in a situation which feels vulnerable, uncertain and just plain hard. I imagine you might feel quite adrift and alone, as if ‘real life’ is going on around you but you are a bit unseen and unheard?

But you are not alone. Some of us here - including me - felt how you feel. So we get it. If it was in our gift, we would not want you to feel a microscopic moment of it bc we remember how awful it was. We can’t take it away; we can only walk with you as a small virtual family. But we are here, and the fact that we are here is evidence that you can survive this too if you choose to.

It’s ok to think about ending your life. Well, it’s not great ha ha, but it’s doable.
What matters imho are three things….

To see that there is a real difference between thinking and doing. And the trick is to simply not act on the thoughts. Your job is to outlast them. To give the universe the chance to show up with something different. And for a while, that’s good enough.

The second is to be tremendously kind and gracious with yourself. To treat yourself as if you have been in the life equivalent of a major car wreck. It is not the time to beat yourself up bc you can’t tap dance….it is a time to be encouraging and grateful for every single small step and and small good moment. Or not bad moment perhaps. To live by the hour for a little while. To fiercely prioritise anything at all that helps you heal just a little, to step back from things that cause more hurt or damage unless there is a bloody good overpowering reason for engaging with them, to aim for the 1% things not the 100% things. Bc those 1% things work like compound interest in a bank.

And thirdly to understand that you can choose thoughts that hurt you more as well as thoughts that help you. That might sound a little nuts, but it is still true enough to be useful. It’s why humans can see the same set of events but interpret them quite differently. And right now (see above lol) you need to be careful and kind with your thoughts bc part of you is listening. I don’t know what your ex-partner’s pov is, but I do know that someone else’s ‘truth’ is not necessarily ‘the truth’. And tbh, if you were to believe what all of the MLC folks have said as they blew up our lives and ran out of the door, you are dealing with the most horrible, worthless, controlling, burdensome and plain mean set of LBS humans here. Awful people. Terrible partners. Not worth spit.  including me.  You are entirely capable, as you read our stories here, of deciding for yourself if that seems to be true. And, if it doesn’t, then I’d humbly suggest it is rational to believe that it might not be the truth about you either…..and that damaged folks seem to play from a pretty predictable playbook when they implode into chaos and set off to find a new ‘magic happy’.


You have a lot on your plate, and you are obviously and understandably grieving and feeling overwhelmed right now.
How can we best support you through this storm, my friend?

[Happylight]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  For my own experience, I missed the beginning signs and attributed them to stress and anger over what was happening with Covid.  I do wonder how that time period played into people's lives as a contributor or a mask. 

[FrenchHusband]

And tbh, if you were to believe what all of the MLC folks have said as they blew up our lives and ran out of the door, you are dealing with the most horrible, worthless, controlling, burdensome and plain mean set of LBS humans here. Awful people. Terrible partners. Not worth spit.  including me. 

Oh yes thanks for these words. I almost forgot it, here in this forum we are the worse gathering of villains that the world has ever seen, all of us are second cousins to the devil , and LBS actually means Loathsome Brothers & Sisters .

[heartbeat]

I posted a while ago about my own story. Heard some nice things back. I’m suffering a lot.

I am still rebuilding my life. I still have work issues and money problems that I’m trying to solve. I desperately hope someday soon I’ll post saying in a sentence that it got better. In the meantime, my healing has been so confusing and frought.


My ex hasn’t contacted me again. I am left still wondering how long it’s been over for. Six months since it started, it feels like so much, but only three months since he made it official (on his own terms… oh, but of course). I am not loving where I live. I need to make money to move with my cats someday. I’m a 34 year old loser with no friends because I’m new to this country and he spent time lying so much to our mutual friends. And, all I want is love. Maybe this is unusual, but my grief includes wanting a new relationship. I am struggling because he hasn’t contacted me since April, and likely won’t again but he ‘watches’ my Instagram stories. I had a mutual friend yesterday reply to a story where I said I felt I’d never been loved to tell me to go to therapy and… well, I lost my $h!te. After all the money I’ve had to spend to just stay in therapy and do all the ‘correct’ things to just survive, I just have the sense that he got to her first (maybe he even had sex with her… who cares). I am struggling to just hit the block button because the head game is strong. If I block him on social media, then surely I have ‘chosen’ to end things, even though he was the one to torture me and destroy a beautiful connection to the point that I cannot trust him enough to be friends. Whatever, I guess. I cried all day.


I desperately want to be loved right now. My friends are far. I haven’t had a single person in my life be close enough that I can just cry on a shoulder. My housemate pointed out that he had helped me move a couple months ago, and I had to explain that his ‘help’ was only given to me after I literally begged, and then didn’t ask any other friends because I wanted so badly to spare his feelings in the hopes of… anything. I remember him confirming he didn’t want anyone over in that last while.

Sometimes I want to call him to scream at him. I never will. My only power is removing myself from him (except he still looks… lurks… ugh).

Anyway, I hate this! I am out of confidence and I doubt anyone will want me for anything except being a willing body. I don’t care. I am struggling to understand how to meet or trust anyone ever again. I can’t meet people through work with my career in freelance. Dating apps don’t work for me, though I’m trying. I don’t want to ‘stand.’ I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Can anyone tell me there’s love after this? I need to pretend there’s a reason I still open my eyes in the morning.

[AlvinTheMaker]

There can be love after all this. Many samples of one on this forum, yours truly included.

But if you go seeking love as broken person, you will mostly attract other broken hearts. And that can make relationships very difficult as broken+broken does not equal a healthy relationship. As sad as it is, you need to give your heart, soul and mind proper time to heal with you.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Last but least.....how do you meet someone new. Go out and meet people, have fun and socialize,date and explore, even tinder works... it's the same old same as ever. Not sure how many dates I had in total, but there were quite many. You are gonna have the good, the bad, and the ugly (feel free to check my topic for some of my dating experiences). But eventually, you will encounter new love.

Alvin

[titleholder]

Hey Heartbeat!

It's a difficult road, but I'm more than 2 years after BD and I can definitely say that it gets better. The things that helped me the most were:
- Therapy; for me that lasted a couple of months and then my therapist told me I have a healthy way of coping with everything that has happened and he didn't see reason for further treatment.
- Limited contact with my xH, if we didn't had a daughter together I would have gone no contact for my own healing. I blocked him everywhere on social media and I never painshop.
- Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

After 10-11 months after BD I felt that there was room in my life to date. I wanted to take some time to heal, to be on my own but I also noticed myself hanging on to hoping my xH would come back and that it would be healthy for me to step away from that hope. The first man I met was a broken one and after everything that has happened with my xH I definitely had a morphed vison of what dating/love was. I don't regret that relationship because it helped me break loose and also learned me even more what my own values are and what I want and do not want in a relationship.

I've been in another relationship now for 8 months and I can say that it's a healthy one with good communication, love and a lot of fun. This man is choosing me, my daughter and my past with my xH for 100% and I wouldn't want anything less. I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on. I rather spend my life with somebody else, but would never choose a toxic- or unhealthy relationship above that.

I hope this helps.. It will be better! Just take your time to heal a bit, learn to stand on your own two feet and when you feel you've found some stability go out and have fun! Allow yourself to make mistakes and find what suits you. I wish you all the best!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Another one that has moved on and in another relationship (together for almost ten years and married for six). Just like you, I was caught off-guard and for three years tries to navigate MLC until our divorce that year.

Dating is hard, but

Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

This is the key to finding joy and being ready for another relationship. You have to love you first and be able to find joy on your own. Otherwise, you are looking for something to fill a void. The problem is that relationships can enhance our lives, but they don't make our lives. You have to have the confidence in yourself that you can live on without anybody and still be fine.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Learning to love yourself and healing go hand in hand.

I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Then you love you and then seek outwards.

Now my story, a little over a year after the divorce, I met my wife through a dating ap. The funny thing was that she was not going to renew her subscription to the ap as she was completely done with online dating. She told her coworkers, "I'm going to go out and have dinner with this guy and live the rest of my life single." Well, she did go out on the date and she did let her subscription lapse, but she is not single (LOL).

I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on.

Very good words and once again it demonstrates that you are happy in your own skin. That is the most important aspect of your healing and recovery.

Be good to yourself and know that we are all here to support anf help you find the path that takes you forward.

(((Ready)))

[forthetrees]

I would suggest doing either volunteer work of some sort or having a garden or even some container plants. Literally go back to elementary school thing of planting bean seeds in a cup, water, and wait. That miracle of sprouting is awe inspiring no matter your age. By volunteering you can either go somewhere and interact or make something to donate. In my lowest of lows I crocheted crowns for kids in hospital. By taking care of something or someone else you will distract yourself from the overwhelming pain. Dating in your present state is not a great idea. If you are craving human touch go get a hair cut with a shampooing or if you can afford it, a massage.

[WHY]

I’m gonna send some truth darts your way.  You are nowhere near ready for a new relationship.   Getting involved in one now when you’re in this broken state will only create more misery and despair.  You don’t need more carnage in your life.  It will just mean more trauma to deal with.   

There is plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.   There is life after this. I never believed it myself two years ago but it is true.  I promise you. 

However.   You need time to journey through your own tunnel of self discovery before you can reach the light.  And your tunnel is long. 

You’re desperate for someone to love you right now?  This is the MLcer path, searching for external fixes to repair internal unhappiness.   But this will fix absolutely nothing.  You need to learn to love yourself first.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take it day by day.   I promise you.  It does get better.   

[heartbeat]

Hey everyone. He blocked me after I made this post, and then I blocked him back on WhatsApp. I guess I made too loud a pain post. I want to apologize to him or repair but on another hand, I am so scared that reaching out will just cause more hurt. He can still email me if he wants to get in touch but just… yeah.

I have sat with a lot of things in the aftermath of those ties being cut. For one, blocking me was probably the most cohesive part of breaking up, including the ACTUAL BREAK UP. As he left he said he loved me and that he felt we needed to break up to come back together (all while de-registering and physically moving out of an entire country to get away while saying he didn’t want to live here and never wanted to come back, while also knowing I don’t have other places I can go, while nearly making me homeless, while abandoning me entirely…. It’s so hard). The post that made him cut ties was one where I mentioned I kinda felt like I’ve never been loved. It is so hard for me to process his actions right now, because as he was going and leaving a horrible aftermath, picking on me, breaking down, cycling through all the terrible MLC stuff, there was love somehow. But I know it’s over, because the betrayal is so deep. I also realized that there were many things I settled for over the years. Dynamics, gestures and habits that hurt, but were never deal breakers because I cared that much for him. I never need to settle for certain things again and that was cathartic in himself.

The thing is, I wish I could reach out. Everything in me wants this to be any bit better for both of us. But goddamnit, I didn’t break it. I am stuck between the hurt of wishing I could make it better, wondering if we’ll ever speak again, and knowing simultaneously that I didn’t burn the bridge in the first place. :’( it’s horribly sad but I’m embracing the space and the silence, and I feel suddenly able to articulate the things I want and need in my next partner. I am focusing on creating a beautiful life in spite of having nothing left and so many other problems at my feet. I am talking to friends and making new ones.

Oh, and I sprouted some lentils this week. So that helped.

[Songanddance]

WHY - gave you a couple of 2x4s and to a certain degree I agree.

YOU are BROKEN - you know you are - you acknowledge you are.  You are also in denial and this is part of the stages of grief otherwise why would you lose your "s****" on a mutual friend who suggested you go to therapy.  Maybe she didn't know that you had already been to therapy. Was that really fair on her when what she might see is a friend she cares about fall apart?

How do I know that you are broken and no where near ready for another R?
 

I still have work issues and money problems that I’m trying to solve.

And until those are on the way to being resolved these issues also hold you back

In the meantime, my healing has been so confusing and fraught.

Because you are in denial and seeking a quick fix

I am left still wondering how long it’s been over for. Six months since it started, it feels like so much,

MLC takes time - and sadly the marriage dies the day the BD happens and when the LBSer accepts this then the healing can genuinely begin. The crying, the clinging are all part of the early stages of grief.

I’m a 34 year old loser with no friends because I’m new to this country and he spent time lying so much to our mutual friends. And, all I want is love.

Be careful here - you're making yourself a victim and relationships are not built on victim mentality.

I am struggling because he hasn’t contacted me since April, and likely won’t again but he ‘watches’ my Instagram stories.

Two things - you are therefore not ready for a new relationship, because you are struggling with the old one.  Secondly - yes MLCers watch but why are you posting about your negative situation; that also keeps you in victim mentality.

I just have the sense that he got to her first (maybe he even had sex with her… who cares)

YOU DO !  Otherwise why would you even think it? 

I am struggling to just hit the block button because the head game is strong. If I block him on social media, then surely I have ‘chosen’ to end things, even though he was the one to torture me and destroy a beautiful connection to the point that I cannot trust him enough to be friends

NO he chose to end things when he walked out of the marriage - you are simply closing the door to protect yourself and get on with your healing. And no you cannot trust an MLCer to be friends.  I am 11 yrs on from BD  and  fully reconnected with my H (36 yrs now) and yet I cannot trust him the way I used to - not yet anyway.

My housemate pointed out that he had helped me move a couple months ago, and I had to explain that his ‘help’ was only given to me after I literally begged,

So that was your thank you to him regardless of how he helped you?   I'm quite baffled at this statement but then again - it also indicates that you are very much in denial and victim mode.

I am out of confidence and I doubt anyone will want me for anything except being a willing body. I don’t care. I am struggling to understand how to meet or trust anyone ever again. I can’t meet people through work with my career in freelance. Dating apps don’t work for me, though I’m trying. I don’t want to ‘stand.’ I want someone to actually love me

I'm a great believer in that "If it's meant to be it's up to me!" statement.   Whilst you have this understandably negative thinking and self talk - all of the above will perpetuate.  Maybe your therapist gave you "survival" strategies for the immediate fallout but the self talk, teaching yourself to understand that you have to want to heal that you will do what it takes to get on the healing path is so important.
So maybe your mutual friend is correct - get some different therapy.  I had weekly and then fortnightly therapy for 12+ months before I felt fully confident again - I decided that my mental, emotional and physical well being needed it regardless of the cost.

However - you know what is brilliant about you posting on here
1. You are not alone
2 You get advice, care, strategies, techniques to help you for free!
3. You also learn about MLC and how the LBS navigates his/her way around the next few years
4. You learn from so many different stories
5. You learn to pay it forward to help others who are in the same situation as you but you are a little wiser and more aware of everything.

Finally - the universe will only give you what it believes you need and not what you want.  So finding a new R is not on the cards for you just yet because you are not ready for one.

Keep posting and keep learning.....

[Songanddance]

I have also merged both of your topics under this title.

Keep one thread at a time and follow it through until 150 posts.

Thanks

[heartbeat]

Hey there, I’m kind of confused how the latest post would indicate that I’m in denial of anything?

I was updating with both a feeling of some sadness but also an indicator of beginning to move on. I didn’t put myself down in that post because I’m expressing a forward motion. I hope you can see that as a positive change, I think it is. I assure you I’m working extremely hard on healing on every level. I’m not upset, just kind of not understanding your comment of taking snippets out when the most recent update could be summed as ‘sad but moving on’. As for the other stuff, I absolutely could give more context, cause it seems to have been misinterpreted somewhat… but that might be a whole freakin’ book of a post. 😂 I’d be happy to answer questions if they’re there, but I just wanted to clarify that I’ve been under watchful care of professionals, friends and knowledgeable folks. No worries though, just trying to move through my journey of healing and convey my updates here and the last answer kinda confused me cause I do feel like I’ve taken some good steps recently. I’m really doing what I can in spite all the challenges and big feelings. I think it’s still logical that I’m sad, and even that I am thinking of future questions like finding a better work-life balance, thinking of the sort of person I may choose to date someday, all that, is coming from a place of really wanting to step into a better future and not from a sense of rush… I don’t mean to sound as though I am only gloomy. Of course I’d like to be further along from this, but no one can ‘know’ exactly when that will be, so I’m trying to note the ups and downs as they come my way. I’m many things, and most recently, one of those things is just a pinch more hopeful.

Thanks for condensing the threads though, happy to keep just posting on the one!

[Treasur]

Often our healing and rebuilding is about one sprouting lentil at a time…..

What you are feeling, and how those feelings swoosh around, is normal. Well, LBS post trauma normal. And it’s messy and exhausting and confusing.

A lot has happened to you bc of the actions of your ex-partner. You may well be feeling the most vulnerable you have ever felt in your life.

What the other posters are encouraging you to do is accept that you are where you are. Bc that is where we all move forward from and how we find solid ground that is genuinely helpful as opposed to quick fixes that we think might help. But often that feels pretty confusing bc our feelings and impulses are so influenced by the traumatic effect on us. Which is why you feel such a desperate need to be loved by someone, anyone. Which is why the vagaries of social media feel like they matter so much.

Does it read like you are ‘sad but moving on’? No tbh it doesn’t; it sounds like you are devastated and feel tremendously alone and adrift. And that is normal so early on after years of a shared life. And that’s ok. Well, it sucks but it’s ok if you know what I mean. Hence talking about denial. Imho some degree of denial is normal too for all of us - when something huge, profoundly painful and completely incomprehensible upends life as we know it, a bit of denial helps us eat that metaphorical elephant in bite sized chunks.

So truly, it’s ok here to not be ok. Or to have days when you are a sliver of ok on the side. Or a passing moment of ok that surprises you in a sludge of not ok. Or a day when you feel a bit kick ass. And then a day when you can barely get out of bed bc it all feels too big for you.

We get it. Every bit of it. Bc we have been in some version of where you are.

And what we know is that it is a process with a lot of ups and downs. And that some ways of navigating it are likely to be more constructive than others in building your own bridge to the other side of it. Right now, it’s sprouting lentils and probably a few other things, things that may normally seem small but that are actually things to note and celebrate in a world that feels like $h!te.

But we also know that you can’t heal what you don’t let yourself see or feel. You don’t have to be unvarnishedly honest here with us. But we are encouraging you to be so with yourself - with a very kind eye - bc that is where the path forward starts from.

So what DO you feel right now in addition to sad?
And what does ‘moving on’ actually look like to you?
And how might we best help you right now?

[heartbeat]

.mYou don’t have to be unvarnishedly honest here with us. But we are encouraging you to be so with yourself bc that is where the path forward starts from.
So what DO you feel right now in addition to sad?
And what does ‘moving on’ actually look like to you?
And how might we best help you right now?

I appreciate your thoughtful words, treasur. I actually appreciate the question quite a lot, because I sort of feel as though my ability to talk about the details of all this is scattered. A lot of my friends don’t quite understand MLC (which, quite frankly, is good cause I don’t wish it on anyone), so having space to write about some of the details here does feel very helpful.

I feel a lot of anxiety, really. Some amount of hope. I’ve had to work a lot on acceptance. My living situation isn’t great for a lot of reasons, including struggling with the habits of the housemate/landlord and not feeling as though my space is really my own (we otherwise get along though, through the frustration there is still gratitude). I feel fear about creating an income, I have major burnout and a lot of other things working against me, but I’m pushing myself anyway and surviving off of what money I do have right now.

I have spent a lot of time figuring out what I do want in the future and allowing myself to desire things even if I do not have a clear path to those goals. It comes with the confusing feeling that I would have very happily gone with different things had this person stayed in the picture. I would like my own house someday, as I never want to lose my home in the way I did during this. I would like my career to go well enough to meet those ends, and to cover a relatively peaceful life with a little room for enjoyable things and the ability to visit my loved ones. I’d like commitment with a partner someday, cohabitation and that kind of thing. I am not going out specifically seeking dates with this as a goal, it’s more that I have begun to think of it more as a mental exercise where I can clearly identify my dealbreakers.

I think moving on, to some degree, is to no longer have things in my life be attached or caused by anyone else. Part of me wishes I could speak to my ex and get closure but I don’t know if that will happen in the future, only that for now the space is necessary. I don’t know if I will ever feel neutral about it but I would like if it didn’t continue to be a shadow in my life. Not trying to side step it or deny it, and I do my best not to ruminate, but I think it’s fair to say the current parameters of my life are still very directly linked to this happening. It would be nice to be further away and have more of a sense that my decisions in life weren’t so closely tied  to the actions of an MLC partner.

[Treasur]

Ok, that’s good. Better out than in as my grandmother used to say.

So it sounds as if you feel fearful, frustrated, unheard and maybe a bit unsafe or vulnerable right now? Is that about right?

And moving on is about moving towards a place in life that feels safer, with more control over what makes you feel safe, and peaceful?

What does the current now feelings feel like for you? Where do you feel it in your body? If it had a colour, what would it be? Or a smell? Or a name or a sound? Or an image in your mind? Perhaps even an image you might create as that is your gift. Or a single word?

And if you measured how big that now feeling/feelings is right now on a 1-10 scale, where 10 is huge and 1 is hardly at all, where are you right now? And what kinds of actions make it one point less? Or one point more?

Ha ha, and why am I asking you these nutso questions lol? Bc my professional and personal experience makes me wonder if you have not yet quite found the right way for you to feel what you feel. I could be wrong bc I don’t know you, but my instinct is that you may be living more in your head right now….which tends to mean thinking about feeling more than feeling the feeling of that makes sense; maybe that is your baseline. If it is,  you’re not alone in that (waves hand sheepishly). And different things work for different people.

We learn quite a lot about our own metaphorical MO when life punches us in the face imho, and that includes a few nutso ‘hacks’ that help us use the best of us to deal with the worst of us. Or indeed when we’re no longer entirely sure of either.

Rather than meet someone else, in a sense this process can help you meet yourself first.

I get the sense that your financial resources might be tight right now, but have you looked at some options for seeing an IC who ideally understands trauma but at least is experienced in helping with anxiety and transitions? Bc that can be, a bit like the old saying of a stitch in time saving nine, something that might feel expensive but which could actually make quite a lot of difference to your practical progress. Again jmo but some life stuff needs a village and there’s no shame in that.

[OffRoad]

One of the most interesting things I have found is when you aren't looking for something, there it is. That applies to glasses, pens, keys, new people. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I had broken up with a boyfriend. After moping for a week, I went out and climbed a hill, as it turned out with hundreds of other like minded people who had that same idea that day. Mile and a half with 1500 ft gain.. During the course of that walk, I was asked out 7 times (which I politely declined as I was in no condition to date anyone) and made two new friends. Wasn't looking for it, but I was taking care of me and it felt good and it must have showed.

When you find your own inner happiness, I think it draws people to you. I'm a planner, but sometimes it's good to let go and go where the day takes you.

My 2 cents. 

[heartbeat]

My abandoning partner contacted me to say his dad died. It brought up all the sadness for me. I reached back to send my condolences, and then did the same for his mother, who tried to lecture at me for a while. I recognized all the lies he had told her about the relationship and couldn’t hold back from being honest. Polite, but honest. My living situation didn’t just work out (might lose my housing any minute and currently protesting by no longer eating because housemate/landlord keeps moving my groceries or using them without replacing). He lied about the breakup during the bomb drop phase and kept insisting we were partners and even when we ended things tried to tell me we weren’t really exes. Told her I don’t have any new beginnings. I wished her the best.

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

[xyzcf]

The ending of our relationship is extremely traumatic and it has not been very long since you experienced a BD.

You wrote:

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

Please get in touch with a mental health provider ASAP. We need professional help to recover from this trauma, sometimes medications and someone who can look at things objectively for us.

Let us know how you are doing.  It's pretty common to think that life has no meaning anymore but with help and time healing can occur.

Right now things are messy, your housing is insecure but all that can change.

Don't give up......get some help.

[heartbeat]

It’s been six months since bomb drop. I moved house, changed my visa, got broken up with and told it was so that we could get back together in the future (….what?! 😭), moved out, did a lot of admin, but I’ve just been losing money and I’m kind of scared. I cried all day and couldn’t do much. I guess I just feel like a failure for still not having my income worked out and I think it’s good reason to walk into the void. I did have a therapist session today, have another scheduled. I took my meds. My friends are tired of me. I’m just not okay and I wish I could lay down and close my eyes forever.

The ending of our relationship is extremely traumatic and it has not been very long since you experienced a BD.

You wrote:

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

Please get in touch with a mental health provider ASAP. We need professional help to recover from this trauma, sometimes medications and someone who can look at things objectively for us.

Let us know how you are doing.  It's pretty common to think that life has no meaning anymore but with help and time healing can occur.

Right now things are messy, your housing is insecure but all that can change.

Don't give up......get some help.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Life may be beyond hard now, but it will get better.

This forum is full of sample of ones who have been to hell and back. You will become one too.

It is good you are seeing a therapist and taking your meds. They will help, but it takes time.

It is good you have made mistakes. They teach you what does not work. Now you now what not to do.

It is good you cry, as the pain needs  to come out. It will end eventually.

Its good you acknowledge you are not okey. It is allowed.

My prayers goes for you.

[WHY]

It really does get better.  I never believed it myself 2 years ago but it's real.  It genuinely does get better. 

And it's worth fighting for. 

[xyzcf]

Good that you are seeing and therapist and taking meds.

Most of our friends and family do not understand why this is so darn hard......I would not have understood unless I had been through it.

Having financial worries doesn't help, nor a safe place of your own to live.

This is fact. The more stressors you have in your life, the greater the risk of getting sick. This is a checklist of events with a numberical value to determine how many stressors one has had in the past year.

https://www.dartmouth.edu/eap/library/lifechangestresstest.pdf

It helps to understand that because of the many things happening, your whole system is disturbed. You are living in a flight/flight/freeze state...most likely the "freeze state"....these are actual physiological states, the body's attempt to survive but they can become detrimental if they exist for too long. Here is a chart that I could really relate to, how I could see that my feelings/thoughts and body responses were due to incredible stress.


https://lissarankin.com/polyvagal-theory-interoception-a-neuroscience-understanding-of-attachment-trauma/polyvagal-chart/

It's complex, a therapist that is knowledgable about trauma can teach you techniques to "turn down the volume".

We know, we get it and we are here to listen...because we have lived through it and come out the other side...you will too. even if it feels impossible at the moment.

[Atari25]

It really does get better.  I never believed it myself 2 years ago but it's real.  It genuinely does get better. 

And it's worth fighting for.

Really always reassuring to hear this.

Everyone tells me this and even 6 months in I feel more energy and more positivity in my life. I know I am lucky to have 2 amazing kids, a good therapist and a lot of good friends that supported me. It never would have happened without them.

Meeting someone else would be impossible for me still but I have an old girlfriend who lost her husband and another lady friend that I enjoy spending time with occasionally.  A new beginning is probably a long way off but that is a-ok. Healing should still be my priority. 

[Songanddance]

I’m not surviving this. I’m not gonna even try. I’m sure my housemate is gonna kick me out cause I disregulated and started crying/splitting/shaking/chanting like I do when someone triggers my ocd. I had to buy a new shower because even with my bills paid, the utilities don’t work. I am gonna stop eating food because it costs too much money and I can’t stomach the fact that I don’t have anywhere that’s ‘mine’ in the house in terms of space for normal things like cooking equipment and groceries. I’m vegan and she doesn’t care, uses my stuff to make meat dishes. It doesn’t matter. I’m ready to die.

It’s been six months since bomb drop. I moved house, changed my visa, got broken up with and told it was so that we could get back together in the future (….what?! 😭), moved out, did a lot of admin, but I’ve just been losing money and I’m kind of scared. I cried all day and couldn’t do much. I guess I just feel like a failure for still not having my income worked out and I think it’s good reason to walk into the void. I did have a therapist session today, have another scheduled. I took my meds. My friends are tired of me. I’m just not okay and I wish I could lay down and close my eyes forever.

Oh we all recognise this and thankfully you have found a therapist.  That feeling of being a failure - know it well. I remember saying to my therapist 5 months after BD " I'm 51 - I thought I had life sussed and now it's all blown apart - why? Is this it for the rest of my life?"

You are not a failure - you had your world blown apart by somebody else's actions.  You didn't do this to yourself. You didn't abandon the person you loved. You didn't turn people against them.
The hardest part of being an LBS in the early days is asking why me? 

This was not your fault!

Equally I have a son who has mild autism and ADHD, also vegetarian and has severe OCD. For example, we cannot be in the kitchen when he's cooking because we "crowd" him.  I have had really difficult years with him since H's BD.  I understand your frustration at your housemate's seeming lack of care or concern for your stuff.  My son has his own stuff to cook with and he hates it when his sister uses them.

Your income will resolve itself as you begin to take action and to put things in order but be kind to yourself at the moment.  Please make sure you eat something daily even just one nutritious meal a day, or some fruit or veg along with B12. You have to keep your strength up otherwise you will defeat yourself. This is genuinely one thing you can control.

Can you explain to your housemate that you need to have boundaries when it comes to using cooking utensils or such like. Can you divide some of the stuff up or is it all theirs?  If they are using your stuff then claim a boundary.

Your friends are not tired of you but they may be feeling helpless because perhaps you have resisted their well intentioned help or advice.  Friends don't tire of humans - they tire of people's reactions or behaviour. 
If you feel that they are tired of you - what evidence do you have?  Are you stuck in victim mode - so easy to do and it becomes a downward spiral.

There is light at the end of the LBS tunnel and it is NOT an incoming train. 

This is why we urge you on here to vent, to ask questions, to read RCR's articles and to learn about how to recover from BD.  All of this advice is based on genuine experience - with absolutely no hypotheses or psycho babble.

Keep posting - you will get through this...YOU WILL.

[WHY]

It took me about 1.5 years before I started to feel different.  Where I felt like I wasnt drowning.  It wasnt something I could have rushed or wished away with a magic wand.  It just needed time to work itself out.

I feel like the MLCer and LBS have inverse happiness curves.  MLC starts at time 0 very high on the curve, in the clouds actually, with euphoria and unicorns, and slowly deteriorates over time, ending up in depression.  Their curve is a downward trajectory. 

LBS starts off with nuclear bomb drops, shock, trauma, which eventually leads to depression, but then acceptance, and even happiness again.  LBS curve is an upward trajectory. 

Our curve starts off way below water, suffocating, drowning, trying to swim to the surface, gasping for air, with I think depression/indifference being the moment in time that we manage to tread water.  But then we rise above it all and can finally breathe, survive, an heck, even thrive.  Sure we keep getting pulled under the water by the MLCers madness from time to time.  But over time, we figure out a way to strap on a life vest, and we bounce right back. 

And at some point after treading water, the MLCer and LBS's curves intersect, with the LBS moving forward, finding happiness, and leaving the MLCer to their own downward trajectory. 

The distance between these curves grows over time and gets exponentially larger the longer it takes for the MLCer to hit rock bottom.  IMO, The larger the distance, the harder reconciliation becomes to get those two curves to intersect again. 

Bottom line.  Every LBS curve will look different.  I really dont think there is much we can do to speed up hitting that point where we're treading water.  I think it's just a function of time and up to our individual minds to process that kind of trauma. 

The best thing we can do is make sure our own curves dont turn south with basic stuff like eating right, sleeping, exercise, GAL, find a support group etc.  This stuff isnt meant to magically make you happy.  But it does give you the time you need to figure out how to tread water.

[Happylight]

You have gotten so much good advice here.  I am just another person here to tell you not to give in to the darkness.  Do the little things.  Sleep, eat, get some sun.  You will figure out the rest a little bit at a time.  I too have felt the desire to just sleep--but at the same time I have been unable to.  One moment at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.  I am a over 16 months in and still struggle, but it has gotten better than the first 6 months.  Keep posting. 

[Nas]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I am very glad that you have a therapist, and I am very glad that you have some inheritance money to help you. It can be hard to focus on the positive right - the good thing about a forum like this is that people can look at your situation and help shine a light on the positives that maybe you can’t see as well right now. I know that everything feels very heavy right now, and suggestions and advice can feel like pressure at the moment, but I still want to ask if you absolutely need to stay in the Netherlands, if it is the best option for you both financially and emotionally. (I don’t know anything about The Netherlands. Are there resources you can tap into to help you find a temporary job, even part-time, while you work on building up your freelance business?)

A lot of times LBS feel like they need to stay exactly where they were at the time of BD. I just want to remind you that you don’t, and you shouldn’t unless it makes the most sense for your financial stability. And you are so very young, even if you don’t feel like you are. Heartbreak is painful. But the best thing about relationships, even when they end, is that they can really teach us a lot about ourselves if we let them.

I know none of this is what you want to hear right now. I’m sorry and I hope you feel better soon.

[titleholder]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I think Nas points out something very important and recognisable for all of us on here! It's sometimes not the responses you want to hear, but for all of us further on the way this is becoming our truth!

The beginning in this journey is incredibly hard, but keep fighting and finding joy in your life. These small glimmers will eventually grow and grow. Keep coming here for support. There's always someone to listen to you and to validate what you're going through!

[Atari25]

I feel like the MLCer and LBS have inverse happiness curves.  MLC starts at time 0 very high on the curve, in the clouds actually, with euphoria and unicorns, and slowly deteriorates over time, ending up in depression.  Their curve is a downward trajectory. 

LBS starts off with nuclear bomb drops, shock, trauma, which eventually leads to depression, but then acceptance, and even happiness again.  LBS curve is an upward trajectory. 

Our curve starts off way below water, suffocating, drowning, trying to swim to the surface, gasping for air, with I think depression/indifference being the moment in time that we manage to tread water.  But then we rise above it all and can finally breathe, survive, an heck, even thrive.  Sure we keep getting pulled under the water by the MLCers madness from time to time.  But over time, we figure out a way to strap on a life vest, and we bounce right back. 

And at some point after treading water, the MLCer and LBS's curves intersect, with the LBS moving forward, finding happiness, and leaving the MLCer to their own downward trajectory. 

The distance between these curves grows over time and gets exponentially larger the longer it takes for the MLCer to hit rock bottom.  IMO, The larger the distance, the harder reconciliation becomes to get those two curves to intersect again. 

Interesting analogy.

I feel like I am finally treading water but it's impossible to know how my MLCer is doing. She is in another city hiding out, my only clues are occasional interactions with the kids and occasional posts on Instagram.  I fear that she will hit rock bottom some day but I have no idea when.

Getting those curves to intersect again seems a long ways away with her moved out. My optimism declines every week.

[Treasur]

I’ve been reading through your first post and through the responses you’ve gotten over the last day. I want to say that I understand what you mean when you say you are “tired.” You’ve gotten some great responses. I also know that it’s very hard for you to hear any of them right now. But I want to suggest that you just keep reading them and keep trying to hear them.

I am very glad that you have a therapist, and I am very glad that you have some inheritance money to help you. It can be hard to focus on the positive right - the good thing about a forum like this is that people can look at your situation and help shine a light on the positives that maybe you can’t see as well right now. I know that everything feels very heavy right now, and suggestions and advice can feel like pressure at the moment, but I still want to ask if you absolutely need to stay in the Netherlands, if it is the best option for you both financially and emotionally. (I don’t know anything about The Netherlands. Are there resources you can tap into to help you find a temporary job, even part-time, while you work on building up your freelance business?)

A lot of times LBS feel like they need to stay exactly where they were at the time of BD. I just want to remind you that you don’t, and you shouldn’t unless it makes the most sense for your financial stability. And you are so very young, even if you don’t feel like you are. Heartbreak is painful. But the best thing about relationships, even when they end, is that they can really teach us a lot about ourselves if we let them.

I know none of this is what you want to hear right now. I’m sorry and I hope you feel better soon.

Please don’t give up, heartbeat.
I agree with everything Nas wrote. We’re not the kind of folks to blow unicorns up your bum, and we truly understand how grim and hard and exhausting it is to be in your shoes right now.
Some of us, maybe quite a few of us, have had times when we thought and said something pretty similar.

It’s ok to think what you think and feel how you feel. Well, not ok bc it sucks, but you know what I mean.
The trick imho is to separate how you act from how you feel.
At least for a little while.

You are not in the healing stage yet imho: you’re in the survival stage.
Your job is to survive long enough to outlast your thoughts and feelings.
And most of us found that it’s an up and down process from day to day, sometimes hour to hour lol.
And baby steps matter, not just bc they may be all you feel able to do, but because they build slowly into a new foundation. Like the principle of compound interest.

So, aim for 1% better imho.
Forgive yourself if you fall over or fail to hit the 1% sometimes; that’s ok, just try again tomorrow. Sometimes you’ll have -10% days. But sometimes you’ll surprise yourself with a 5% better day. Or a 20% one.
You will not always feel how you feel right now bc that’s not how life tends to work.
But you have to stick around long enough to give yourself a chance to see that.

Start small and let your path forward grow.
Cheer yourself on even when your 1% progress seems small. Bc when you are where you are, where I once was too, 1% is huge and worth celebrating.
Be open-minded that, although you probably can’t see it right now, there is a better different on the other side.
Pull yourself back to focusing on basics and give yourself permission to try some things out that might not be ideal but are good enough….whatever makes you feel safer, stronger or more energetic is good enough bc it creates some momentum. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as it does not hurt you or anyone else. Doesn’t matter if it’s forever or just for now. Doesn’t matter if you change your mind. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Tbh it’s a bit like being caught in a fast running river, and in fear of drowning. Right now your job is to get to the river bank the best way you can while continuing to breathe.

[Treasur]

A PS that occurred to me this morning ( morning here and I’m sitting with a cup of coffee in the garden, early, birds singing, sunshine after a rainy night)…..

I had to dig myself manually out of despair in my darkest days. Tbh it felt like digging a trench with a teaspoon at the time. But someone shared with me a tip that I’m now going to share with you bc it worked remarkably although I did not believe it would.

Every night before trying to sleep, I would list three things from the day for which I felt grateful. When I started, I struggled to find three tbh and they were microscopic….a good cup of coffee, a flower seen on a walk.

Then, strangely, I noticed that I was sort of looking for things for that mental list as I stumbled through my day. Which felt like I got my head up slightly, as if it started gently to counterbalance what I was paying attention to, as if it slowly reconnected me with the world outside my head. And then it became a habit. It’s less of a conscious habit now I think, years on, but I still pause to look at the good stuff and when I have a fall over day - which I do sometimes - I seem to fall back to it as a way of rebalancing.

I just did it in my head. Some people write it down. Doesn’t matter. But maybe try it? Three good things of the day just gone for which you are grateful.

Hug

[marvin4242]

Heartbeat you have gotten a lot of good and useful advice and feedback from everyone. I just want to ask one direct question:

What do you need right now to hold on and what if anything can we help you with?

[MadLuv]

Great advise from so many. I just want to reiterate that although you feel off, unhinged & hopeless, well that is feeling and you have to go through all those feels to get to your healing. It’s normal!!! Normal to feel the way you do when your life has been shred to pieces. It does get better, but it does take all that pain and added time to get there. You do adjust and even years in I cant say I am magically ok, I am normally ok. Just keep moving forward. Get through each day. Fake it u til you make it. You can make it through this and get to a calmer place. It just takes longer than we all wish. 

[Biscuit]

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[heartbeat]

Thank you, Biscuit. Some weeks are harder than others. This week was hard. We exchanged a couple brief emails and it has become extremely apparent that there is no accountability from his end. I think somewhere deep down he still has love for me, but his words on leaving about rebuilding the relationship have no action behind them from what I can see at this point (I suspected that this would be the case, at minimum in the short term, but it hurts to be correct). Some days I truly think if he showed up and apologized I’d have him back. Worse, I think he’s quietly decided that because I expressed pain online in speaking about my experiences that he’s justified in himself that I’m this awful person. I am trying not to give it too much thought, because after all, he did blow everything up. I wish he hadn’t abandoned me and our life together but moreover, I find myself hoping there’s a future with love and a healthy partnership in it for me. I have so many incredible memories with him, and him with me, and it hurts that even as we said goodbye he kept telling me ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ Ow. Owww. It try hard not replay the memories in my head but sometimes they creep in. Even in the end he insisted we weren’t exes because the ‘English language wasn’t big enough to describe our connection.’ But like, what else do you call someone who lies, abandons you, and then also says they need to end the relationship to rebuild it, but they can’t tell you when, so you must just move on in whatever way is best, but also every option you list is ‘wrong’ and that he has no plans to meet you back in the country you are now residing in…? He has yet to own up to the fact that he really betrayed me and made a lot of decisions that completely sidelined me. I still feel love for him at times but it’s paired with crushing sadness. I don’t ever expect he’ll apologize or want to come back, and I know better than to pursue him in any way right now. Sometimes it still feels like day one. I just want life to be kinder to me. I feel like all my divorced friends had or found new partners right away. I don’t know what I did to be so undesirable, except that I never cheated or scoped out anyone else. I’ll always hate myself for my money problems. I’m constantly reminding myself that I tried my absolute best to fix things and that’s all I can ever do.

I’m trying not to blame myself but I feel broke, broken and lonely this week. Please send me money and work affirmations, honestly. I am making the most out of my living situation but all I want is stability and independence. Sometimes I worry I’ll never be able to find somewhere better. Maybe I am just a terrible person and no one will ever love me again, but the fact that I have a bunch of fantastic friends keep calling me up and checking in on me makes me think I must be doing something okay in life. I am doing all the ‘right’ things that I know to do… getting sleep, taking time off, going to the gym, getting outside, trying not to spend too much, investing time and energy into work and friends. I wish I had more friends nearby but I’m hoping to meet more through career stuff.

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Heartbeat,

Are you ok? Let us know what we can do here to support or advise you further?

It sounds like a platitude early on when you hear it, but we've all been where you are right now... I know I found it hard to hear the advice of others on here but it's totally true... It gets so much better with time, like loads better... But it does take time. And you've got an army of people here to help you out, really good people who care , who have been there, who want to help out.... so use them, ask questions, vent, just don't try and do this on your own when you've got this support network who know more about this $h!te than anyone in real life. The words of this amazing group here have got many of us through very dark days.

Keep posting, and we'll keep helping

[zartheit]

I have my good moments too, I am trying to move on and move forward every day, but all I want to do this week is cry. I cried a lot this week and slept. That said, I also:
-went to therapy
-took time off from contacting my friends while my brain was acting up and made sure I was a little more ‘balanced’ when I checked in again
-ate a lot of ice cream and refused to feel any bit of guilt about it (thank you very much to my local grocery store for having a two for one sale on Ben and Jerry’s, whose non-dairy cookie dough could probably stop wars)
-made a lot of cute art for business reasons (I wanna start selling little prints and small merch)

I’m crying again a bit but I do have more ice cream in the freezer and I worked out for a while today, so. You know. Some days happen an hour at a time but I’m doing my best.

Reading this made me smile. I believe that right now every moment is an ordeal, that you feel deeply every ache, and your mind is a sandstorm. I don't smile for those things. I smile because you are DOING IT. This is the work, the journey.

It may not feel like anything right now but I want to congratulate you for taking these steps. You're pouring a foundation. To stretch the metaphor, it's hard to see progress when everything is mostly about picking out materials, obtaining permits, orchestrating contractors, etc etc etc.

For my own part, I cried every day for two years. It's only relatively recently that I can recall strings of days with no tears. Where I stand now, I am ok. It still hurts sometimes, but the hurt is so much more contextual, so much less visceral, so much less personal. It gets better. And for me, taking care of myself even when it seemed pointless--when I couldn't tally up the wins--was integral to reaching this point.

[Treasur]

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[heartbeat]

It’s kind of you both to say so. I do need to clarify that I am largely going through this crying and feeling like there’s a hole in my chest.

I really want a partner.

I agree with zartheit. You are doing very well for this stage in the process, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Well done you!

[Baxter1]

A giant partner shaped hole, sounds about right. I was just sitting here last night missing my W. I see her, sometimes she’s on the phone, sometimes she’s signing and other times she looks like she has the world on her shoulders. I miss spending time with her just doing nothing, watching TV, doing the dishes, anything from our old life. It’s so sad to see what this does, sorry you’re here

[heartbeat]

Hey all. I’m sort of just updating because… I dunno. A lot has happened and also nothing at all.

In the last month or so I’ve been continuing my tour of power-eating ice cream. I’ve been working out a lot too, I may have a bit of anemia from it, so I’m doing stuff like taking vitamins. My health has kind of been shook up, and my ocd/health anxiety has been draining me. I’m trying to be proactive and take care of myself in a way that has always been hard for me. I’ve got a dermatologist booked, and next on my list is blood work, a dental check, a couple other little things. I’m not sure what is or isn’t working but I’m attempting to be self sufficient.

 I’ve talked to folks on dating apps but nothing really feels right. That said, I keep being told with incredible consistency that I’m a great conversationalist. It’s nice to hear it, and it’s nice to practice ice breakers. Nobody feels right. I wonder if I am too much. I wonder if I’m not enough. I wonder how long I can survive being touch starved. I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of it. I’m still convinced much of the time that I am doomed in love but I’m trying to believe there’s better out there for me. I’m vaguely convinced that if there is someone who would be good with me, I’m more likely to find them through work than through apps, but I keep trying anyway and somehow people are effusive that I’ve given them the best chat they’ve had on the apps and shocked when I finally show a clear photo of my face. Apparently I’m cute. I don’t totally see it, but I am very flattered when people think so. I don’t know how to tell people that deep down I want to build a stable life with someone, and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want the same on some level, it kind of needs to be a shared goal from the jump. It’s kind of a lot to drop on strangers, but I am trying to figure out how to be honest without being overwhelming.

I am still struggling with work, but my friends and family have been helping me get on my feet again. I’m hoping it will pick up for me. It feels really important to me to have a career I love. I’m still struggling somewhat with factors of my living situation, but I’m trying to move through it as best I can. My dream is to move out on my own next year and to eventually own a home. I don’t know how possible it is to do either, but I am trying to imagine it’s possible.

My MLC ex has occasionally contacted me. Each time I feel like I end up seeing and saying the same. He seems to feel guilt but nothing around remorse, and he doesn’t seem to be able to understand that his actions deeply broke my trust in him. There’s not much by way of accountability in anything he’s said. I’ve tried to be kind. I’ve even said that if he can genuinely show up and actually be honest with me and with himself, he can contact me. I don’t actually expect this to happen, but I recognize that in spite of all the ways he damaged me, he’s also probably still spinning out. Interestingly, I’ve heard through the grape vine that he was hitting on other people last year at events we attended together, and looking back I kind of see it too. That in itself was actually never off limits in our relationship, but the understanding was that we wouldn’t hide things from each other was not being honored, and I’ve now heard that he was being flirtatious and not actually being up front about being in an open relationship to those people (which isn’t fair to anyone involved).  I’m not as bothered by this as I thought I might be, it’s more like… ah, yeah. Another sign I wasn’t aware of because I trusted in him. The hindsight of MLC. I’m moving forward with the expectation that the MLC traits of selfishness, indecisiveness, dishonesty and all the other rotten nonsense will prevail in him for some time, and that waiting around for anything different is just setting myself up for more heartbreak. It really hurts to feel like my love doesn’t matter. I was recently asked if I’d ever take him back and I don’t really know how to answer, except that it doesn’t seem like a good idea to spend any energy or share intimacy with someone who I fundamentally cannot trust.

I’m not really out of the woods yet but I do feel my boundaries becoming extremely strong in all this. I worry so much that I’m going to be a burden. I’m quite tired.

My birthday is this month. I’m turning 35. I haven’t had a good birthday in my 30s yet and I’m not sure this one will be much to talk about. I’m considering booking into a spa so someone can massage my face and throw me in a steam room, ordering vegan sushi and buying myself a cake. I mainly just want to have a birthday where I don’t feel crushingly sad about life. If anyone has ideas for how to have your first single birthday in over a decade, especially when you don’t drink (my birthday coincides with 5 years of being alcohol free), please let me know.

I’m going back to power eating ice cream for now. I’ve decided if I’m gonna have a bad habit, I can handle it being this.

[Nas]

My birthday is this month. I’m turning 35. I haven’t had a good birthday in my 30s yet and I’m not sure this one will be much to talk about. I’m considering booking into a spa so someone can massage my face and throw me in a steam room, ordering vegan sushi and buying myself a cake. I mainly just want to have a birthday where I don’t feel crushingly sad about life. If anyone has ideas for how to have your first single birthday in over a decade, especially when you don’t drink (my birthday coincides with 5 years of being alcohol free), please let me know.

I'm sorry about the crushing sadness. We all know it well, and that, unfortunately, the only way out is through, but there are ways to give yourself moments of hope while you feel all the feelings in order to move through them.

I want to point out that you have written here just now a lot of things that are wonderful and hopeful. You have friends and family helping you get on your feet, that's amazing. You're being told you're a good conversationalist, that's amazing. You have a ideas and a direction for your future and the chance to go for it, that's amazing. I know it's hard to see, so I want to try to help you see that these are BIG things.

Early happy birthday from me. Go to the spa. Get the vegan sushi. Eat the ice cream. DEFINITELY get the cake.
I'm turning 50 in just a few weeks. I want it to be "just another day" but it's not, not for me, anyway. Birthdays have a way of highlighting all our birthdays past, and especially our hopes and dreams for the next year of our lives, and if there's anything in the way of achieving, or even having, hopes and dreams, the spotlight gets aimed squarely on that.  So I hope you can try to focus on those amazing things you mentioned and know that 35 may be a rebuilding year for you, but your future is wide open and rebuilding can be exciting. I know that is obnoxiously quaint and sounds like a platitude, but believe me, I don't speak in platitudes. I really want you to be able to see the possibilities I see for you.

[MadLuv]

Happy Birthday to you . My birthday is Monday and I will be 62, gulp!!!  My 33 anniversary would have been this weekend. My XH now OW/wife bday is 5 days after mine and they got married on the same month as our anniversary. It still messes with my head the cruelty of it all, even after feeling pretty detached and accepting. So just know it is all abnormally, normal. Enjoy whatever you love on your day.

[heartbeat]

This is all going badly.

I had a party that I went to the days before my birthday. Not a bad experience all in all but… too much. I don’t know. Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married. :| I don’t shy from open relationships but I don’t want to be a side order. It sent me into a very deep depression.

My meds aren’t working today. I’m texting between sets and crying in the gym. I have to work because I’m my own last defense. I have bills piling up and I don’t know how to get work. I’m so, so tired and I am so firetrucking lonely. I’m ready to grab whatever toxic person I can and start a relationship but quite honestly, I know no one wants me. I want to scream at my ex but I won’t. I want anyone to care but they can’t. I just want to feel okay and it’s never going to be okay again.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married. :| I don’t shy from open relationships but I don’t want to be a side order. It sent me into a very deep depression.

Why be depressed. You now know that others are interested in you. Yes, he wasn't the right person, but he was interested. There will be others.

I’m ready to grab whatever toxic person I can and start a relationship but quite honestly, I know no one wants me.

That's not building yourself up. Settling for anyone is devaluing the wonderful person that you are. Your h made a mistake and blew up his life. His choice and his loss. His choice doesn't devalue you. His choice had little to do with you.

Please don't slip into a feeling of hopelessness. You are at the gym and that is a good thing. You already met someone who was interested, but just not the right person. However, there are others and when you love yourself and believe in yourself, you will find the right person. Right now, the right person you need to find is yourself.

Keep going to the gym, cry-nothing wrong with that, and find moments of bliss. That one moment where you feel calm and content. Then reflect what put in the moment of bliss. How to recreate that moment several times each day.

Do at least one thing that builds you up this weekend and post what you did. Write down three positive things about yourself and post them on the forum. Let's flip the switch to create a strong person that wants to meet the right person when you are ready.

(((Ready)))

[Songanddance]

Met someone interested in me who i didn’t reciprocate with. Also, he was married.

Good for you - big red flag there and you chose to avoid it!

I just want to feel okay and it’s never going to be okay again.

YOU WILL and IT IS!
YOU WILL and IT IS!
YOU WILL and IT IS!

Right now you don't feel ok but that doesn't mean you won't. 

When I went to my T 5 months after BD she asked me what I wanted.  I said " I just want to be ok"
Her next question was " On a scale of 1 -10 what would be ok?"
My reply "7"

She asked " Where are you now? As you sit here, breathing and talking - where are you now?"

I replied "3".

"Then that is where we start from"

8 months later - the same questions...

"On a scale of 1 -10 what would be ok"

"8"  (yes I upped the ante)

"Right now - as you sit here, talking, breathing and sharing - where are you? "

Without thinking or hesitation  I said "7".

She said "Wasn't that your original target?"   I said yes but I was now aware that I could be more than ok.  And one day, one week one month at a time I reached much more than OK.

Your struggle with yourself and your feelings are NORMAL and will take time - I repeat NORMAL and TAKE TIME.

Having a relationship with anyone right now could be a very unhealthy move for you. 

I'm not saying you won't meet someone and that you have to be fully healed before you start another R but a broken person will only attract another broken person and that R is broken from the start. 

And you're right too - no one will want a broken person.  Becoming "unbroken" is hard work, it hurts and it is a very lonely path.  You can do it - IT TAKES TIME.

Try this 5 minute rule...... Every time you feel that you want to vent, cry, scream - do so for exactly 5 minutes - put an alarm on and at the end of 5 mins stop! 
Take 5 deep breaths and say out loud " I can't change what has happened to me, I can only change what I do now!"

You may have to do this several times a day in the first instance - that's perfectly ok.

Read Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. His is an amzing story where he has faced death quite literally twice; He had to rebuild himself physically and emotionally each time.  His mindset, attitude and advice is amazing and there is also a film called Miracle Morning which is his life story.

You are not alone - we are here.  If you listen to us , vent to us we get it!  We may be cyber connections but there is nothing like the range of experiences and advice on here to help you pull yourself through the quagmire that you are stuck in.

[Biscuit]

SandD and Ready have given you some great advice here Heartbeat.

We have all been where you are right now (maybe not geographically, maybe not the exact same set of circumstances, maybe not the same age) but we have all been there - we know how devastatingly hopeless it can feel.... but do you know what - we've all been there, and we're all still alive and well,  -many of us thriving in new relationships, a few back with their spouses in improved relationships - and a few on our own. But we all made it through this absolute firetrucking $h!testorm - and so will you - despite what you're feeling right now.

Much love - we've got you - B x

[heartbeat]

I don’t know where to be or what to do. Seven months into a year long rental and slowly losing money the whole while as I tried to stabilize and my housing got yanked. I have two cats. He left me with them after adopting them. It’s happened in the same year.

I just want to kill my self.

[MadLuv]

Heartbeat- I know that space and I walked myself iinto the nearest pop up  small emergency care. I went to the receptionist and said. I want to kill myself. I need help. An hour later after much talk I left. It was a turning point for me. To realize I had to stop focusing on what I didnt have and what I needed to do. Your in a horrible place, but you can make it out. If you financially need assistance go to a church. Even if you are not attending one.  If they cant help they will direct you. It may feel humiliating, but its not. We all need help. Mentally and financially at some point in life. There is help and once you feel that help  it will start giving you hope for your future. Your going to male it through this. You will!!

[Treasur]

I don’t know where to be or what to do. Seven months into a year long rental and slowly losing money the whole while as I tried to stabilize and my housing got yanked. I have two cats. He left me with them after adopting them. It’s happened in the same year.

I just want to kill my self.

Please don’t….you matter in ways you may not even understand. Like an ant in a colony you are part of a whole. Ask for help - friends or even strangers who are not friends yet as MadLuv suggested. It’s ok to need help from the whole to get you through this patch until it passes. And it will pass if you are around long enough to see it bc that’s how life works.

Please turn left towards another path, my friend.

[Rollercoasterider]

Heartbeat,

I am so sorry. Honestly reading your words here and just skimming your previous posts I wish I could just give you a hug--the real kind, not a cyber hug.
First: are you seeing a therapist now--someone that you can call on an emergency basis?
Is there a suicide hotline in your area you can call?

Since I've only skimmed... You left the Netherlands to live with your partner in his homeland of South Africa and are now still in South Africa--is that correct? But it doesn't sound to me like you're really comfortable where you are. You've got your kitties, but you're struggling to make ends meet, struggling for food and it sounds as though you don't have a good social family to support you.
Also--and I really don't know--does South Africa have the sort of mental health facilities you need for your OCD and Depression? Has your OCD been worse since Bomb Drop? You seem extremely anxious--not just now, but throughout your posts. Where do you have the most friends? Even as an introvert you can have actual friends that aren't behind a screen!
Ice cream can be a friend (though is it vegan since it contains dairy?), but those delicious calories are going to add up! What else can you do?
When you've had anxiety attacks that you've resolved in the past, how did do it? Think back to your successes for what you can take from them and apply to your current situation. Think hard to recreate as many pieces of your success. This isn't a rhetorical question, so let us know how it goes and how you're doing.

HUGS,
RCR

[Treasur]

I think they are in the Netherlands right now? Not sure what heartbeat’s home country is or, even more important, what feels like a safe base to them. Still, regardless, all of the questions you raise hold true.

Keep talking to us, heartbeat. I know we might feel like just words on a screen but we are real people and we care about you.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I know we might feel like just words on a screen but we are real people and we care about you.

This is so true and just know that you have to see your own value as a person who belongs with us. It is sometimes on our darkest times that we feel as if we don't belong, but we do. As I sit here typing, my baby nephew is occupying all my wife's time. He has been with us for two days and both my wife and mom are tired. I have forgotten how tiring babies can be especially at six months. He is so, so cute and I am sitting on my couch drinking a cup of  Vietnamese coffee. We are both watching the football game.

The point is that I would have never imagined myself in this place eleven years ago. My ex had just left the house and I was alone trying to make it all work. With my alimony and child support payments, I was left with next to nothing. My back account was wiped out and I had nothing but debt and paying for my daughter's college as well. I saw no end to the dark tunnel, but I made it through.

I know it hurts now and you are in the same dark tunnel. However, get help! I will say it again, get help! Heal yourself and concentrate only on you!

Please keep posting and please know that we deeply care about you.

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

[FaithWalker]

I was in that dark place too.  I am so glad that I pushed through.  I never would have believed back then that I would have joy again, that I would be traveling to new places I'd never been, that I'd have a new and better job. 

We are here, listening and understanding, and remembering being in that dark place.

Check in when you can.  Thinking of you!

[titleholder]

I just want to say like the rest of us; we (partly) know what you are going through. I know I had some severe low moments after BD. Just know we're here for you if you want somebody to talk to and if things get too rough try and get help through a doctor or therapist.

You can't imagine it right now, but it will get better!

Love TH!

[Dragonfly33]

Hearbeat I hope you are ok. We haven’t heard from you for a while. I was also once in your situation and I tried to take my life and ended up in a hospital. Now I am glad nothing happened to me. That person was not worth taking my life. If there’s someone you should protect, it’s yourself. Be kind to yourself and please talk to a therapist. It helped me get out of that rabbit hole.. please do not hurt yourself. You are valuable.