[Greenacre]

I knew this day would come and it really hurts. It’s not quite the outcome I was expecting though! You guys have been my rock through the past and I need you again 😢

Found out my replacement is someone 17 years younger than my ex (he’s 45, she’s 28). What the hell?! Please can I get peoples thoughts on this

Was dumped out of the blue last autumn after four years with the man who told all my friends and family he was going to propose to me and we were in the middle of buying property (although we lived together in a rented apartment) and was about to start a family - he brought up conversations about what names to choose. 

We were so happy, never argued and had an amazing relationship (or so I thought)……he left me saying something was ‘missing’ he felt pressured for marriage (despite HIM being the one bringing all the future plans up) and then bizarrely said he wanted to find a wife and a mother?? The man I adored turned into a stranger overnight and I still to this day have no idea why or how this happened? The only big red flag with him is he had never had proper long term relationships before me so maybe that’s where the ‘missing’ bit stems from.

He’s never reached out, blocked my phone and completely blanks me at work.

I always (stupidly) thought he might reflect on what he’s thrown away and open up to talking.

I’ve just found out he’s with someone 17 years younger than him (!) moved her into his apartment and apparently it’s all sunshine and rainbows for him. This girl has apparently told her friends she ‘wouldn’t date him as he was far too old but he’s rich and she likes being wined and dined by rich men. Shes apparently the town bicycle and as one person described her ‘a psycho bunny boiler’ and is apparently plastering photos of their dates to fancy restaurants all over social media - I obviously don’t follow her and haven’t seen these, nor do I want to.

I guess that’s it then. It’s like the heartbreak all over again. I really thought at some point we would be able to work this out and he had just had a huge ‘future freak out’. I’m terrified this ‘girl’ is going to get her claws in and do all the things we had planned and I’m going to have to see it all play out in front of me. Ugh. I have been doing SO well too. I don’t know what to do to remedy any of this or whether he will ever even consider coming back?

[thissucks7788]

I'm so sorry.  Yes, the younger thing--well I think it makes them feel younger and like they still got it. Fills a void for them to deal with their crisis. Something to that effect. Not to mention society seems to prize this as a guy gets a trophy or something.  As for the overnight change-- I had this as well.  Looked something like this-- I thought great relationship, got along amazingly well, had intimacy regularly, laughs etc... Behind the scenes for a few months, H was falling in limerence with a girl 30 years his junior (yup, 30 years).  So while he still "loved" me, the allure of a new shiny and young person was more desirable. You as the regular person for years just can't live up to the new person.  When looking back, I'm sure that H was thinking about this in his head quietly for at least a month or so.  Perhaps your guy was already interested or moving forward with this person and you didn't know.

But like most fantasies--when allowed to play out, don't turn out as they hoped. You already said that you heard her basically say that she is using him for his money.  If this is true, when he is done spending, she will be done with him.  NOt to mention that living together is probably a good way to kill off some of the limerence.  If I were in your shoes, I would sit back and watch it self destruct.  Meanwhile, keep moving forward with your own life and show him you can move on without him.  No guarantee that he will come back but if you keep your cool-- he may review what he lost as his fantasy starts to fall apart. 

Also it may depend if he is having a transition or full blown crisis.  With a crisis, he can find another LO after to fill the void.  I believe my H had a transition.  I "let" him move out and try to live out his silly fantasy with this person.  I presented that I wouldn't be a barrier to him and his "soulmate".  Well, H asked to come home 5 months later.  It is my belief that me letting him go and moving forward, him being in transition and not working out with LO (who wasn't interested romantically) he looked back and saw what he discarded. 

So those are some thoughts I have about it.  In the meantime, look out for you and take care of yourself. He has to work out his own journey.

B

PS Take the reasons he said he left with a grain of salt.  They need to rationalize why they are leaving a loving loyal partner and this is how they do it. 

[UrsaMajor]

Found out my replacement is someone 17 years younger than my ex (he’s 45, she’s 28). What the hell?! Please can I get peoples thoughts on this

My thoughts?

I’ve just found out he’s with someone 17 years younger than him (!) moved her into his apartment and apparently it’s all sunshine and rainbows for him. This girl has apparently told her friends she ‘wouldn’t date him as he was far too old but he’s rich and she likes being wined and dined by rich men. Shes apparently the town bicycle and as one person described her ‘a psycho bunny boiler’ and is apparently plastering photos of their dates to fancy restaurants all over social media - I obviously don’t follow her and haven’t seen these, nor do I want to.

Make yourself some popcorn, grab a cold beverage, sit back, and watch the


What he decides to do afterward is nothing you can control. You can only control your reaction to what he chooses to do....

[Greenacre]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

[KayDee]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

For now, it may help you to look at the behaviours and less at the label. Imagine doing to him what he is doing to you? It's extremely cold and, quite frankly, immature. I think a lot of us get to the point, mental health crisis or not, where we have to accept that their behaviour is very damaging and their go-to coping is extremely self-centered. However I slice it, my H chose to throw me and our extended family under the bus on his quest for magic happy.  You may think the same of your SO. He seems to have a pattern of running away, this is HIS issue to resolve. Brace yourself for the fact that he may never face it. Sorry.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

Yup, that's a 'thing' - laziness, the OW stalking your life, more destructive nails hammered into the relationship you had by a self-destructive man? Could be any of these.

The best thing I did was to stop looking at social media, stop any sort of activity that brought me news or info about my H. Takes willpower, but IMO, brings peace and calm. Your imagination will join the dots and make you think he is having the best of times. But really, he is a man who is on the run from himself, trying to fill his existential vacuum with a twenty something that likely blows smoke up is ass for - well, whatever she gets out of it? She's not your problem, honestly. He is responsible for his actions.

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

Stay true to your own values. Keep hold of your integrity. Maybe treat him like any other colleague. Say good morning or whatever you would normally do. It's not for you go grappling after him. Quite frankly he is being spiteful and childish. While he's like that, let him be. Do you want this version of him back?

So sorry you are going through this. The good new is that we all get through it, often with a renewed appreciation of the things that really matter in life.  Slowly, slowly, you will start to see the wood from the trees. You will see your value and that you are worth so much more than to be treated like this. Says everything about him. Nothing about you.

[UrsaMajor]

Thankyou both of you. Part of me wonders if all of this is truly midlife crisis or not but his behaviours at least seem to point that way and they are in the least very definitely avoidant.

You will have as much success wondering what green tastes like by dipping your elbow in it..... We can't tell if it was a MLC or if they have simply gone bat-snot off their rocker until time has past and we can look at it i n hindsight..... In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter much WHAT the cause was as much as what happened and how we recover and live our lives afterwards.

It killed me the other day to drive past our old apartment and see her car in my space. The other oddity is him basically replicating where we used to go and what we used to do.

they do that because it is easy - like KayDee said, it is laziness because it is known to them and comfortable.... Some say they repeat things to erase the memories they have of doing the things with us so they can then justify their actions more easily and don't need to feel guilty..... Others say it is just force of habit and they are too lazy to do something new.

I don’t follow this ‘girl’ on social media but she has been doing some odd things and keeps flipping her profiles from private to public to show the dinner dates - all very childish (obviously) and weird.

Bunny Boiler

So…..how do I respond to this from here? I’m no longer the emotional anxious mess I was, and as I say, whilst I don’t have to work with him directly we do pass each other. Do I mirror his ‘blanking’ of me or try and cordially exchange hellos and strike up some conversation somewhere?

In my opinion, you DON'T respond to it.... Doing the "pick me" dance is not going to do you any good and letting him know that you are still waiting int he wings just gives him a false sense of security. You are NOT a"back up plan."  He needs to feel the loss, the lack, that there is a big something missing form his life and then HE needs to figure out what that is.....

Whilst I’m trying to move forward and do ‘me’ I really do want the guy I knew back and don’t know how best to proceed.

There is the rub. "That guy" is gone.... period.... One does not make the trip to Hades and back and remain unchanged. IF he gets his head out of his ..... fog.... he won't be the same person you knew. He will have changed, hopefully for the better but one never knows before hand. You can leave the door open for him to come back but there is no need to scatter crumbs to lead him back that the birds are going to eat anyway.....

[in it]

Ignore him as much as possible. Don't drive passed where he lives. Keep your dignity.  No "pick me" dance.
More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn. We've seen it many times. Work on raising your standards.
No one needs someone who will do this kind of thing. Regardless of how they were in any part of the relationship.
Don't get involved with the drama . Maintain your peace.

[WHY]

More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn.

More than likely?  There is no way this relationship survives....

[Greenacre]

Ignore him as much as possible. Don't drive passed where he lives. Keep your dignity.  No "pick me" dance.
More than likely this new relationship will crash and burn. We've seen it many times. Work on raising your standards.
No one needs someone who will do this kind of thing. Regardless of how they were in any part of the relationship.
Don't get involved with the drama . Maintain your peace.

Unfortunately couldn’t help the drive by and it wasn’t done on purpose….its literally right on the way to somewhere I need to go once a week. It sounds really horrible (and I hate myself for thinking that way) but I hope she hurts him or behaves so immaturely he gets rid of her. Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are. That said, beyond going out drinking and fancy dinners I’m not sure there will be much depth between them

[KayDee]

Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are.

Not hearing about it is part of the Great Comms Black Out that will save your sanity. If friends are telling you, kindly ask them not to. It's also so much better in helping maintain friendships. The MLC drama chaos circus spreads its poison.

If you can find another route each week, even better. If you can't, crank up the car stereo, eyes forward!

[Greenacre]

Just seems a distinct impossibility when I hear how completely into each other they are.

Thankyou. Honestly this has been the hardest thing to go through. Especially sharing the same work building and lots of mutual friends/colleagues there. He is a surgeon and in weeks leading up to him leaving me he went from initiating conversations about who we would invite to the wedding to suddenly talking about how he hated his job so much and felt like doing something completely different.

After D Day as I call it, at first he was giving me cold ‘hellos’ but recently (I guess with the appearance of his new play toy) has literally been diving through the nearest doorway or leaving rooms when he sees me. Those actions are kind of in a weird way keeping me filled with a bit of hope because surely if someone was so indifferent or ‘over’ everything they wouldn’t behave like that?

Not hearing about it is part of the Great Comms Black Out that will save your sanity. If friends are telling you, kindly ask them not to. It's also so much better in helping maintain friendships. The MLC drama chaos circus spreads its poison.

If you can find another route each week, even better. If you can't, crank up the car stereo, eyes forward!

[in it]

It's probably the guilt that makes him hide and avoid.   Don't read too much into it.
However you cannot trust him. If you do not have trust you do not have anything.

 Anyone who would run off into the night like this while supposedly in a committed  relationship  isn't a horse you'd want to bet on.
You sound self sufficient and independent. Focus on you and your own well being. Make sure you sleep, eat well and stay hydrated.
.

 Do you have any friends just of your own? What about family? Support is important.

[Greenacre]

Yes I’ve got friends and family around me - they really are great but I do just get the typical ‘move on’ ‘screw him’ etc lines so they don’t understand.

I guess I’m finding it hard to give up because
I know how really happy we were and that all of this came about from a huge amount of work, life, family stress at the time and then to top it off him running off to someone like this and with such a huge age gap just smacks to me of MLC. I just don’t know?

I know fixing anything all has to come from him but at the same time I’m determined to do what I can to help it along. I know we weren’t married but as another friend said to me that our age, co-habiting and length of time together etc we practically were.

[in it]

As much as you might like to help it along the best thing for you to do in my humble opinion is get right out of the way. That way a whole lot less damage will be done to you.
Yes and family and friends don't want you to dwell  and have a lack of what to say.

You deserve better than this. You have to believe that.

[UrsaMajor]

I guess I’m finding it hard to give up because I know how really happy we were and that all of this came about from a huge amount of work, life, family stress at the time and then to top it off him running off to someone like this and with such a huge age gap just smacks to me of MLC. I just don’t know?

I know fixing anything all has to come from him but at the same time I’m determined to do what I can to help it along. I know we weren’t married but as another friend said to me that our age, co-habiting and length of time together etc we practically were.

How can you help along a tornado that is bearing down on you? Stand outside, yell, wave your arms and tell it to go away? In It is right. Get your happy rear end into your tornado shelter (i. e. take care of yourself first) and then, once the storm is past, do a damage survey and see if there is anything worth recovering / saving.

Whether it is an MLC or something else is really not all that relevant in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that YOU take control  charge of YOUR life, your emotions and your well-being. He is off to the races on whatever path he has chosen to navigate and there is not a penny-plinking thing you can do to change it, alter the course of it, or help it along.

[Greenacre]

Thanks all. It’s such a rollercoaster. At times I feel ok (sometimes even really good!) at others I still feel so utterly confused why he changed and has done what he has done out of the blue and suddenly treated me this way. I didn’t recognise him?

The rational, logical person in me would kill for a grown up conversation about it……the other side of me knows he isn’t capable. We never argued, were so close, so happy, I just don’t get it…..I read so much conflicting information too that it’s hard to know what to do with it……remove yourself, go silent to - be warm, approachable, a place of no stress. Where do I place myself?

As for ME, I’m no longer the anxious heartbroken mess I was. If anything I healed an awful lot and went through a bit of a ‘F-it’ phase where I turned into superwoman and that scared the bejesus out of me but I was quick to recognise what it was.

 I guess the whole problem is you can’t really get truly angry with someone when you know it is THEY who destroyed everything with their problems. As the one left behind that’s a really difficult thing to compute and the empath in me is still here thinking they will come around and realise.

[WHY]

I can count the number of arguments we had over 20 years on one hand....

I genuinely think it has something to do with most MLCers having the common trait of being avoidant / people pleasers.  This has been their coping mechanism throughout their lives.  And they suddenly reach a point where it doesnt work for them anymore and they self destruct.

[in it]

This is quite confusing however I read these conflicting things about how to act around them, I found if you are kind to them after what they've done they may up the ante to bring out the worst in you.

 It makes no sense to them that they do all this damage and then you are kind.

So I just reflect back the same kind of energy I'm shown. If someone says horrible things to me I do not hesitate to say them right back.If you listen carefully it's usually their own projection. Spare yourself from any emotional abuse as the things they say can be very cruel.

I'd avoid him as much as possible and continue to heal. I think you are doing great.
You may be looking for closure about the only closure you need comes from you and that you deserve better.

[WHY]

Read up about narcissistic supply and how to cut it off so you don't fuel the monster.

Giving them the cold shoulder or ignoring them is still feeding the monster so that's not the right approach.  You need to figure out a way to live completely disengaged so you cut off that supply. 

[Greenacre]

Read up about narcissistic supply and how to cut it off so you don't fuel the monster.

Giving them the cold shoulder or ignoring them is still feeding the monster so that's not the right approach.  You need to figure out a way to live completely disengaged so you cut off that supply.

The insight, compassion and knowledge from you ladies is amazing and so lovely. It seems to come from an inherent strength rather than listening to all the folks who preach ‘pull your big girl knickers up’ and ‘forget him’ and ‘move on!’

A few people have said to me what he did was ‘not normal’ and could potentially be narcissistic. Prior to this I just naively narcs were people who loved posing in mirrors…..I’ve read more
and lots of it resonates.

I’ll admit, I used to love his cockiness and arrogance when we were together (I found it incredibly sexy and at times funny) until the day he turned on me….literally all the things he said he loved about me me (kindness, patience, being laid back) all got switched on me in the last few weeks before he turned into a total stranger. It was the the most confusing, disorientating and horrible thing from my ‘best friend’. The most confusing thing of all is there was absolutely no reason for it. I won’t put a label on what I think he ‘is’. I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. Does he have narcissistic tendencies? Yes. Do I think he’s avoidant and self sabotaged by far the longest and best thing he ever had? Yes. Is he the most charming, funniest, loving person I’ve ever met who I could literally finish his sentences…..? Also yes.

His longest relationship of 14 months before me when he was 40 should have perhaps been a huge huge red flag which I chose ignore. I can’t have been half bad to stick out 4 years and have a house and wedding planned….

Despite how horribly I portray him on here that is just a snapshot of what I saw at the end. I’ve still struggled to get to a place of anger even months on as I know the creature I see in front of me isn’t the one that I know nor recognise.


And so….here we are. Part of

[in it]

Well it sounds like all that cockiness and arrogance got magnified.
We all have flaws and toxic traits
However there needs to be a limit of what you put up with. You can only be so kind, caring, go -with- the- flow and patient. You teach people how to treat you.
Boundaries

I think you dodged a bullet not marrying him.

[Treasur]

We are all very sorry that this has happened to you. Right now, you are still in love with the man you knew and nothing we can say can ease that heartbreak. If we could, we would, bc we have all been there.

You don’t say how old you are? In your 30s? Without diminishing how you feel right now, or the seriousness of your commitment to the relationship, there are some blessings. As in it said, you are not navigating this through the rubble of children or decades of a legally entwined life. Right now, that’s not going to feel like much comfort but in time you will see that it is.

I don’t know if your partner is an MLC situation or just an unfolding of poor character. Hell, I’m not even sure about my own xh, so I’m in no position to judge your situation lol! Each LBS here tends to need a good chunk of time to work that out for themselves. What I will say though is, regardless of that, the medicine is much the same…..accept current realities as they are, lick your wounds, step far away from things that cause you any more damage and step towards things that make you feel even 1% better as long as they don’t create more chaos for you or anyone else. Breathe. Take your time. Do nothing reactively bc feelings are not fixed. Be kind to yourself. And let yourself get to the point when you can get in your bones two simple things….that his actions, MLC or not, are about who he is not who you are….and that there are limits to what any of us can control or influence wrt others, and thus what we should hold ourselves responsible for.

[in it]

It's also pretty normal to remember good times and romanticize the relationship at this point for you.

What you need to come to terms with now is you want someone more honest than he is. Someone who has some morals and character. Raise your standards.
And no this was not a mature normal break up.

I've read that at the end of a relationship is who they really are.

[Greenacre]

So, I can't really call her the OW as she only came to light around 4 months after BD but I'm not completely convinced there wasn't some overlap as she had been working at our hospital as a junior doctor for the last five years.

Anyways, I've never met, spoken to, or interacted with this woman before in my life. He is 45 years old, Shea's 27.  This relationship seems to have developed at rapid pace. He’s practically moved her into our old apartment and has whisked her off to Italy on some hugely expensive trip visiting Michelin starred restaurants (ironically this is exactly how we spent our last holiday)

She’s exhibiting really odd behaviour online and I wondered if this was a ‘thing’ that the new woman often does? Basically, she keeps flipping her social media profiles from private to public on IG and whenever she does this it’s because she’s posted a ‘story’ which I presume she wants someone who doesn’t follow her to view (I’ve never viewed them but for some reason I imagine they are for me)

Also, she has now randomly blocked me on fb even though we have never interacted and are not ‘friends’

What on earth is going on?? Just as a disclaimer……I’m not stalking this woman, I had a peek ONCE out of curiosity at her profiles so she’ appears in my search list so it’s only via this I’ve noticed that she’s doing this.  The other creepy thing is that she is now interacting with posts online with a man I have been (very) casually dating.

I’ve a feeling not all is perhaps as shiny and happy as is made out on SM - that said, my ex is very narcissistic and perhaps is bringing my name up a lot and that’s what’s causing her to do this? I just don’t know?  I could block her back but I don’t even want to give her the validation of me doing that and I’m just continuing to ignore her.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Greenacre,

I have merged your two threads into this one. Please stay with a single thread until you reach 150 posts and then start a new one. Otherwise it is a nightmare to maintain the forum.

As for OW, you may wish to block her to keep her form knowing what is going on in YOUR life. After all, 1) it is none of her business, and 2) she may have been involved as the OW beforehand and you don't need that extra toxicity in your life, do you?

UM

[Greenacre]

Hi Greenacre,

I have merged your two threads into this one. Please stay with a single thread until you reach 150 posts and then start a new one. Otherwise it is a nightmare to maintain the forum.

As for OW, you may wish to block her to keep her form knowing what is going on in YOUR life. After all, 1) it is none of her business, and 2) she may have been involved as the OW beforehand and you don't need that extra toxicity in your life, do you?

UM

Thanks UM - sorry I was unaware of the 150 post rule…..

I can see where you’re coming from RE blocking her but part of me doesn’t want to give her ANY kind of reaction - which if I block her kind of is?

I don’t know why she’s started creeping around online and it’s clear as day she keeps making her SM public in the hopes I will go snooping and see it. It all sounds a bit like she’s getting a bit paranoid/insecure maybe? I’m sorry to say it but I hope she is!

[Nas]

An idea I had to let go of really early on, when the pain was really raw, was that the OW, or anyone, was doing anything for my benefit. Meaning the things that other people do, they’re not doing them with us in mind. And sometimes in our pain, we tell ourselves that they are because it keeps us attached and connected to the situation, it keeps hope alive that maybe there is some kind of extenuating circumstance that is going to lead to the situation swinging in our favor. Whatever she’s doing on her social media, she has no idea if you are even looking. And the only reason you know she’s doing it is because you’re looking.

I’m so sorry and I know this is so hard, but Ursa is right, continuing to look will only hurt you in the end. The stories we tell ourselves often come from anxiety and fear - fear of loss, but what we fear losing is already lost. Detachment means accepting that loss as reality and moving forward. You can certainly keep hope because who knows what the future holds, but live your life for yourself, with your eyes on your own future and not on her present. You have to focus on your own reality because that’s all we have, and you can’t see her (or anyone’s) reality from your outside perspective, and especially not through the lens of social media.

[Greenacre]

An idea I had to let go of really early on, when the pain was really raw, was that the OW, or anyone, was doing anything for my benefit. Meaning the things that other people do, they’re not doing them with us in mind. And sometimes in our pain, we tell ourselves that they are because it keeps us attached and connected to the situation, it keeps hope alive that maybe there is some kind of extenuating circumstance that is going to lead to the situation swinging in our favor. Whatever she’s doing on her social media, she has no idea if you are even looking. And the only reason you know she’s doing it is because you’re looking.

I’m so sorry and I know this is so hard, but Ursa is right, continuing to look will only hurt you in the end. The stories we tell ourselves often come from anxiety and fear - fear of loss, but what we fear losing is already lost. Detachment means accepting that loss as reality and moving forward. You can certainly keep hope because who knows what the future holds, but live your life for yourself, with your eyes on your own future and not on her present. You have to focus on your own reality because that’s all we have, and you can’t see her (or anyone’s) reality from your outside perspective, and especially not through the lens of social media.

Thankyou Nas. Oh I know the behaviours were defintely for me……there was no reason to block me on Facebook when we have never interacted and over on IG she has started interacting with posts the guy I have started casually dating which she has never done in the past - it’s very creepy and childish. I’m not looking at what she’s up to anymore -if she is as childish and as ‘psycho’ as people have told me I’m sure she’ll make her own rope to hang herself with.

I’m very much trying to detach and move forward even if it is difficult and like you say, keep a small bit of hope as who knows what will happen in the future

[Treasur]

Perhaps you are inadvertently looking at the question from the wrong end?

You know those kind of strangers who occasionally pop up as a FB friend request - a handsome ex Navy Seal now heart surgeon called Brad who bizarrely wants to be your friend but seems to have no other friends in his profile lol? I imagine you would block him in a heartbeat without giving ‘Brad’s’ feelings or intentions a moments thought, right? Bc it is protecting yourself from people of bad intent you do not know in RL who might get a window on your life?

I’d suggest that this is much more like that.
Block her on all social media in those moments when she changes her settings so you can do so.
You already know this person does not have good intent towards you and that it serves no beneficial purpose for you to leave an open window on your life for her.

She’s just a ‘Brad’….. and her reasons for doing what she’s doing are not your circus surely. Anything else is inadvertently being drawn into the BS Sandpit of Mindf**kery imho. And no sane healthy person wants to play in that sandpit

[Greenacre]

Perhaps you are inadvertently looking at the question from the wrong end?

You know those kind of strangers who occasionally pop up as a FB friend request - a handsome ex Navy Seal now heart surgeon called Brad who bizarrely wants to be your friend but seems to have no other friends in his profile lol? I imagine you would block him in a heartbeat without giving ‘Brad’s’ feelings or intentions a moments thought, right? Bc it is protecting yourself from people of bad intent you do not know in RL who might get a window on your life?

I’d suggest that this is much more like that.
Block her on all social media in those moments when she changes her settings so you can do so.
You already know this person does not have good intent towards you and that it serves no beneficial purpose for you to leave an open window on your life for her.

She’s just a ‘Brad’….. and her reasons for doing what she’s doing are not your circus surely. Anything else is inadvertently being drawn into the BS Sandpit of Mindf**kery imho. And no sane healthy person wants to play in that sandpit

I understand where you’re coming from and honestly it is by far the healthiest way of looking at things but I know that by even blocking her it will give her ‘airtime’. It’s something I don’t want to do given her behaviour. I’m tough enough to sit it out *I think*

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

We’re in complete NC bar the times he occasionally sees me at work and basically blanks me/jumps into the nearest broom cupboard……he’s still apparently with the 27 year old and “happy”. Moving jobs absolutely isnt an option. I just wish he would stop punishing me without me knowing why? 😢

[zartheit]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

You don't give up hope. You can't. I mean that genuinely. It's equivalent to not feeling fear, or to not feeling loss. It is an emotional that arises all on its own. You can't control that but you don't have to ACT on those feelings. I understand this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, at least. For me, it was (or rather, *is* because I still feel it at times) agonizing. The only way out is through, and this is what that feels like.

Treasur wrote something to the effect of: you can act before you truly feel it, and that was true for me. To elaborate, you don't have to wait for hope to disappear before you act AS IF hope had disappeared. I found that counter-intuitive but when I put it into practice it did help move me forward. What does not having hope mean for you? Do that. Your emotions will catch up. Eventually and with more time than you'd ever want to take. That is the reality of it. And, like you've already experienced, some days you're superwoman and other days you're trapped at the bottom of a well. That's part of the process.

Part of my own process was to sit with all of my emotions as best as I was able. At first I would get flooded almost immediately but slowly (SO SLOWLY) I became more and more adept at sitting with them to empathize and relate to them. They are fantastic messengers delivering news that may not be welcome but is necessary. In my case, I sat down and attempted to locate my values, and goals. I wanted to understand the type of person I wanted to be for no one but me. This provided a nice "role model" to look up when I was lost. I then came to the realization that, while I don't LIKE the hope, the hope was real and even a beautiful side of myself. The hope got me through some dark times and I needed it then. It was only when I no longer needed it that I found it a hindrance. I was mourning and blaming the hope for my suffering. That only caused an extra layer of pain. In reality, I didn't want to feel the loss and figured by erasing hope I could erase that loss.

I couldn't. I found that hope and fear were tightly linked. I was fearing for a particular outcome and hoping for its inverse. The only way I started to feel peace was to accept the situation and let go of controlling it. The more I let go, the more at ease I felt. I believe forthetrees used the phrase "radical acceptance" and I found it quite helpful. I found that by not letting go I was re-seeding the hope. The suffering was me reaping that harvest. I now do my best to not plant those seeds.

Like all emotions, hope can't last forever. It will go away all on its own. It just takes time.

[Evermore]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

You don't give up hope. You can't. I mean that genuinely. It's equivalent to not feeling fear, or to not feeling loss. It is an emotional that arises all on its own. You can't control that but you don't have to ACT on those feelings. I understand this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, at least. For me, it was (or rather, *is* because I still feel it at times) agonizing. The only way out is through, and this is what that feels like.

Treasur wrote something to the effect of: you can act before you truly feel it, and that was true for me. To elaborate, you don't have to wait for hope to disappear before you act AS IF hope had disappeared. I found that counter-intuitive but when I put it into practice it did help move me forward. What does not having hope mean for you? Do that. Your emotions will catch up. Eventually and with more time than you'd ever want to take. That is the reality of it. And, like you've already experienced, some days you're superwoman and other days you're trapped at the bottom of a well. That's part of the process.

Part of my own process was to sit with all of my emotions as best as I was able. At first I would get flooded almost immediately but slowly (SO SLOWLY) I became more and more adept at sitting with them to empathize and relate to them. They are fantastic messengers delivering news that may not be welcome but is necessary. In my case, I sat down and attempted to locate my values, and goals. I wanted to understand the type of person I wanted to be for no one but me. This provided a nice "role model" to look up when I was lost. I then came to the realization that, while I don't LIKE the hope, the hope was real and even a beautiful side of myself. The hope got me through some dark times and I needed it then. It was only when I no longer needed it that I found it a hindrance. I was mourning and blaming the hope for my suffering. That only caused an extra layer of pain. In reality, I didn't want to feel the loss and figured by erasing hope I could erase that loss.

I couldn't. I found that hope and fear were tightly linked. I was fearing for a particular outcome and hoping for its inverse. The only way I started to feel peace was to accept the situation and let go of controlling it. The more I let go, the more at ease I felt. I believe forthetrees used the phrase "radical acceptance" and I found it quite helpful. I found that by not letting go I was re-seeding the hope. The suffering was me reaping that harvest. I now do my best to not plant those seeds.

Like all emotions, hope can't last forever. It will go away all on its own. It just takes time.

This is a great post from Z and exactly how I felt/how it happened for me. The advice to act like hope is lost even when you don’t feel that way is spot on. I am in a happy new relationship of over a year. I made the decision that the ‘hope of a return’ mustn’t stop me from moving forward and doing what I intellectually knew was the right thing to do. Ridiculously even now that ‘hope’ feeling is still there a little bit. Which makes absolutely no sense as intellectually I know it won’t happen and that even if it did I made a decision to start a new life and won’t turn back on that. I could never do that (which is why I find it so unfathomable that my xH did it to me I guess). I just acknowledge now that that part of me that loved xH so hard is still, even after all these years, adjusting to the loss and that I will might always feel a little this way. It’s still fading slowly and it no longer affects my actions at all. It does take a LOT of time sometimes.

[marvin4242]

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?

Hi there, sorry you are here and dealing with this. I would like to offer that one part of giving up "hope" is accepting that the past is gone. This will take a while, I know it took me a couple of years even when I was sure I had accepted it. But in my opinion this is fundamental part because we keep thinking about the past and who they were, so part of us keeps "not accepting" things as they are.

If anything changes in the future you can always a reevaluate but right now it may help.

[Nas]

As has been said, acceptance is key. I also want to touch on your other question:

I just wish he would stop punishing me without me knowing why? 😢

The things other people do aren't about us. It's got to be difficult to work with an ex, especially since breakups are rarely absolutely clean and almost never mutual.  You said you're NC but he avoids you when he sees you at work. He's most likely avoiding his own response to seeing you, whatever that is, fear of awkwardness or having uncomfortable conversation, or any number of things. That's his to deal with, and you can't know why unless he were ever to choose to tell you. The way you feel about it makes it feel like a punishment, but, as we know, feelings are not facts. The feeling that it's a punishment is coming internally from you. As you start to accept what is and detach, you will probably not even notice what he does or doesn't do when he sees you, or at least you won't take it personally anymore. 

[Greenacre]

Thankyou all for such insightful and empathetic responses.

Strangely enough there seems to have been a real shift in energy this last week or so (from both myself and him)

Thankfully we rarely see each other at work (its a huge building) his previous behaviour has been to avoid, hide, run away or walk by with his eyes on the floor. I havent seen him for a couple of weeks and there was a real energy change. I was walking along confidently and smiling and who should be heading my way? Him. For the first time I didn't feel my heart racing and feelings of anxiety - previously I have been left shaking after these interactions so hopefully it means I am on the right path though. On the other hand, his reaction today was very different indeed.......today rather than scuttle off with his eyes on the floor he looked pissed and really very angry when he saw me? I'm not quite sure what to make of that as I haven't done anything to warrant it. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on going. He wanted this. You would think he would be indifferent - clearly not.

[UrsaMajor]

I was walking along confidently and smiling and who should be heading my way? <...snip...> he looked pissed and really very angry when he saw me? I'm not quite sure what to make of that as I haven't done anything to warrant it. I guess the only thing I can do is keep on going. He wanted this. You would think he would be indifferent - clearly not.

We can ASS-U-ME  until the cows come home but, if I had to make a SWAG, I'd say that he was upset because you are not a wailing big hot mess sitting on your front porch in your rocking chair surrounded by a huge pile of snotty Kleenexes crocheting lace doilies and waiting for him to come back,..... You are growing forward and he is still chasing his next "happy fix" except that it ain't all he was hoping for.....

So, you are not fulfilling his expectations/wishes (how DARE you be confident and smiling! BAD BAD LBS!!!)  and he is STILL unhappy because, well, no matter how fast and how far the Mid-Lifer runs, there he is still staring himself in the face in the mirror and his quick fix hasn't had the desired result..... <sarcasm on> That IS, of course, YOUR fault as the LBS <sarcasm off>

[Greenacre]

Its been a little while since I posted on here, I hope you're all doing as 'ok' as we can in these situations and I just wanted to add I am SO grateful for this community. Its great to have a place where people 'get it' rather than friends/family in every day life who just look at you with utter confusion - this used to really bother me in the early days of all of this - now I understand that its not their fault, they are lucky that they don't understand!

So.....a couple of small updates.

One does wonder if not all is quite the land of sunshine and rainbows for him.

I rarely get any insight or updates from anyone about him really although I did bump into a mutual colleague at a party the other night. He told me he had recently been to another function where my ex partner was attending with the OW. This mutual colleague said he went over to introduce himself and asked her who she was - he said her reply was strange; she replied "Oh surely you MUST know who I am. I've been working in the same hospital as a trainee for the last 5 years" Egotistical much? Perhaps they're well suited. She continues the odd occasions of unlocking social media profiles to post 'stories'. I've never viewed them but she obviously wants someone to see them.

He also divulged that he had recently heard my ex ranting and raving down the phone at an estate agent about a mortgage. Sounds like he must be planning to leave our rented flat we shared and buy property with her - this is all going on at ultra rapid speed for Mr Commitment-phobe who never managed a long term relationship until he met me 5 years ago when he hit 40.

I haven't really seen him at work bar a brief passing in an otherwise empty corridor the other day. Tried to give him a small smile, he marched past looking dead straight ahead, bearing an expression that made him look like he wanted to punch a wall. Lord knows what's going on in that head of his? They say be worried when they are totally indifferent - I wouldn't say this portrays indifference?

Otherwise, in terms of myself I'm doing pretty well! So much so in fact I think next time I see him in passing I might just give him a 'hello' and carry on walking. I'm sick and tired of the blank/ignore/childish game and feeling tough enough to handle pretty much any reaction he gives me.

Someone else mentioned to me they can start behaving like this once s**t starts to get real and it can be a gateway out of reply but I don't know?

[FaithWalker]

Wow, she sure does sound egotistical. 

Mr Grumpypants look when he passes by you is so overrated.  Start practicing your "life is good" bounce when you walk and plaster a smile, even if you don't feel like it.  Hehe   

[Greenacre]

Wow, she sure does sound egotistical. 

Mr Grumpypants look when he passes by you is so overrated.  Start practicing your "life is good" bounce when you walk and plaster a smile, even if you don't feel like it.  Hehe   

This is exactly how I’ve tried to be.

I used to find it quite upsetting when he would dart off or dive into the nearest doorway…….now he’s transitioned to walking on by but with a face like a smacked backside it kind of makes me smirk a little bit and puts a bounce in my step.

My presence very obviously affects him. Well sunshine, sorry but I am not going ANYWHERE. I think he expected me to do the whole ‘crazy, angry, ex’ show. Well he hasn’t had that from me.

Im not going to lie, this whole silence/ignore game is tiring and I’d rather we just talked with kindness but hidden behind all his ‘big surgeon bravado’ is a very fragile, cowardly ego so I think it would take rather a lot for him to make that leap.

The comments from the colleague who met the OW were odd - they certainly thought it was an odd way of introducing herself! Given what I’ve heard about her ‘bunny boiling’ tendencies I imagine she thinks she has won a fabulous prize of an attending surgeon and is working very hard to get her claws in.

The fact she had to make this comment and keeps plastering  photos of them both all over the internet attending weddings and congratulating ‘their besties’ on their engagements (all people about 15 years younger than my ex and people he didn’t previously know) all sounds a bit insecure and ‘try hard’ to me - I can only assume that on what I’ve seen though and could be way off the mark.