The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.
You don't give up hope. You can't. I mean that genuinely. It's equivalent to not feeling fear, or to not feeling loss. It is an emotional that arises all on its own. You can't control that but you don't have to ACT on those feelings. I understand this is not what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, at least. For me, it was (or rather, *is* because I still feel it at times) agonizing. The only way out is through, and this is what that feels like.
Treasur wrote something to the effect of: you can act before you truly feel it, and that was true for me. To elaborate, you don't have to wait for hope to disappear before you act AS IF hope had disappeared. I found that counter-intuitive but when I put it into practice it did help move me forward. What does not having hope mean for you? Do that. Your emotions will catch up. Eventually and with more time than you'd ever want to take. That is the reality of it. And, like you've already experienced, some days you're superwoman and other days you're trapped at the bottom of a well. That's part of the process.
Part of my own process was to sit with all of my emotions as best as I was able. At first I would get flooded almost immediately but slowly (SO SLOWLY) I became more and more adept at sitting with them to empathize and relate to them. They are fantastic messengers delivering news that may not be welcome but is necessary. In my case, I sat down and attempted to locate my values, and goals. I wanted to understand the type of person I wanted to be for no one but me. This provided a nice "role model" to look up when I was lost. I then came to the realization that, while I don't LIKE the hope, the hope was real and even a beautiful side of myself. The hope got me through some dark times and I needed it then. It was only when I no longer needed it that I found it a hindrance. I was mourning and blaming the hope for my suffering. That only caused an extra layer of pain. In reality, I didn't want to feel the loss and figured by erasing hope I could erase that loss.
I couldn't. I found that hope and fear were tightly linked. I was fearing for a particular outcome and hoping for its inverse. The only way I started to feel peace was to accept the situation and let go of controlling it. The more I let go, the more at ease I felt. I believe forthetrees used the phrase "radical acceptance" and I found it quite helpful. I found that by not letting go I was re-seeding the hope. The suffering was me reaping that harvest. I now do my best to not plant those seeds.
Like all emotions, hope can't last forever. It will go away all on its own. It just takes time.