thank you KD and HL for your nice comments, yes you totally get my points. I am glad the situation is moving forward. What you write about the "burden" of being a father makes me think to an old story, a little girl in Africa getting this comment : "how this burden on your back must be heavy !" She answers "it is not a burden, he's my little brother"

So yes, I get sometimes blames from the daughters because there are ants in the kitchen or because I am preparing too often the same meal. But on the other hand I am really happy to be a father, I am happy I am enough stable to endure the rigors of the children crisis and I am happy for the many little things I get from the children in our daily life . Please forgive my father's pride as I write here below 3 recent examples from last 24 hours.

Yesterday evening S6 asked me to stay in his bed a few minutes after the presleeping activities. I had foreseen he would ask and I wanted to pray a few minutes in order to prepare myself for THE conversation. And what happened ? S6 told me he wanted to pray, so we prayed together. A little thing that gives me tears of joy.
This morning during the breakfast D15 was upset because the English teacher had given homework at last minute (using stupid online agenda). So she asked me about the Constitution of the USA, the federal government, the governor's powers and the amendments. While she answered on the paper the teacher's questions, we had a deep conversation about the US Constitution : according to D15, the original writers did not plan that their text would be still used more than 200 years after, and their style is basic and heavy compared to the "Déclaration des droits de l'homme et du citoyen de 1789" (her opinion ). After I gave to D15 the classical examples to distinguish state law and federal law (death penalty, abortion rights, 2d amendment), we discussed about the stakes of next US presidential election regarding abortion right.
And to finish, D17 wanted me to read her philosophy examination paper on violence and war in society for which she had the best mark in the whole high school.

THE conversation
the conversation with wife went well (4 four-letter words beginning with W  !). As I expected, under a nice wrapping of "the children are at the center and my priority", all the discussion was in fact "I, me, and myself". We have been able to listen to each other and keep the tone quiet during more than 2 hours, and I am glad about it. Whatever the future, it is good that we can discuss serenely.
Now I know more about W's projects : she wants to "progress professionaly" and work in Switzerland, and "the relationship is finished". Meaning = she wants to get more money and fly from her associate.
W gives me 3 choices for the next step : either legal separation, amicable separation/divorce or judicial divorce. But in the end she is still targetting divorce
And regarding the child custody, W gives me now the choice (in regard to my professional life) : either she takes care of S6 (and D15 now) during 3 days a week, either we split 1 week / 1 week.
Regarding living arrangement, W's proposal is to live in our house when she takes care of the children until she has the money to buy her own house. Regarding the shared real estate, W's opinion is same as mine : she wants to sell the appartments and to keep the house. I said first that I want to keep the house, then W said that if I wouldn't, she would keep this house.

I see clearly that W finally realized  what is the roadblock for a divorce (and ending coliving) : the sale of at least our biggest appartment. When we sell it, we should get enough money so that she can buy her own house and I can refinance the mortgage and buy W's share of the house. Assumption being W not too much greedy  . The main difficulty is that the housing market is in poor state. Since 1 month the appartment is on sale and from what I know there has been no visit. Lowering the already low price might not bring a buyer. For the record W has not signed the formal authorization to sell  . MLC, what else ?

W told me that I should not say that she is abandoning the children. In fact I did'nt say it to her (her mindreading is right) and I am glad I did not point out that she plans to abandon our children at least half of the time.

During the convo, I talked more than I expected and I am glad I did : for the first time I highlighted what went wrong in our relationship from the beginning. I told W that her repeating many times that the relationship is broken sounds to me as if she is trying to convince herself and I repeated to her that I have accepted it since long. I said that the breakdown of the marriage has been in some ways a deliverance for me and I said what I expected from a new relationship.
And W thanked me for saying all that (again, something new)

During our friendly chat, I saw many small signs that W is not so absolute as her words. First she listens very carefully to what I say, e.g. she reported out of nowhere some (not all) of "my" past projects, clearly a reference to a previous conversation where I told W that I supported her projects and she did'nt support mine, and when she had asked me which projects I was talking about I had told her she should know. Then, even if I am not good to see the non verbal signals, I saw many small points showing connection between us and W mirroring my gestures and moves. In hindsight, the discussion turned into a relationship convo and went well : it is a huge progress.

Now what do I do with all those informations ? What do I do with my Standing ? I will talk again with my lawyer, and I will talk with myself  , then I will slowly take some decisions. In the short term I will stay in the house with the children 100% of the time : very good news  , and for the future I see big hope that I can keep the house and take care of the children at least 50% of the time : not so bad for minimizing losses

To the vets : does someone remember this kind of half coliving arrangements ? And, anecdotally, in which category should I switch when W will make her move : Keeps moving in and out ? Or Home but travels for work ?

Last minute information : as it was not clear, I asked W what is her future plan for S6 and the daughters and where she plans to live when she has the money. W says that she wants to bring at least S6 with her, near the Swiss border or in Swiss. She says it is a point to be discussed. W was not happy when I pointed that this information was not clear from her words after evening discussion, and my question turned quickly in a fight that I stopped quickly. Clearly the state of mind is very different btwn yesterday evening and today. A new bit of information that I have to integrate.

The MLCer swap out on things is always mind boggling, but they do it. I planned a 30th anniversary vacation and my XH took OW and got engaged on my planned vacation spot. I think when they are in throws of Limerance they honestly don’t think much about us, truly.  I can remember asking my XH after finding out about him being in a EA with a coworker friend of ours , did you think about me at all? He said, no.

They are filling a need they feel driven to do and that is all that matters in these times. It’s hard for us to fathom, but I don’t think we enter into their thoughts much. They are escaping their old life, so honestly it makes sense. Even, if it is going to familiar places. They enjoyed it, so new OW/OM will enjoy it.

I do think there can be triggers that we enter into a moment, but overall they are just in a self serving place. I do know my XH told me they were on a hike once and he saw something and he thought, madluv would love that. I just think those are far and few in between  when in the beginning of these relationships.

I also can’t imagine how hard this is with small children. Adult children and a grandson are hard to navigate, but in the early days I could do whatever I wanted for my sanity and you are always looking after young lives who need you. You need someone to take care of you and for you to share your stressors. It’s very hard. I have so much compassion for you.

After the Atomic BD, I was in the middle of a launch campaign for a satellite and up to my ears in documentation. Reading the excruciatingly detailed technical stuff was OK for me (that Hyper-focus KayDee mentioned) because it gave me a very specific focus to work on but, other than that, I couldn't even read a newspaper.... I'd forget what article I was reading if I had to go to Page 3. I tried to continue reading one of the "for fun" books I had started before ABD and could NOT follow the story line more than a page....

Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this -

It was really hard to hear and I had to take a little time to process my feelings about it, but that’s just my point, they really weren’t treating me bad, or treating me any way at all. I was not a factor. I had nothing to do with it and it really really helped me to remember that: They weren’t doing it TO me. If the story I told myself was that they did what they did with a specific intent to harm me, that would only be me inserting myself into a story that I was not part of. … and prolonging my own pain. And honestly, I don’t want to be part of that story of toxic disorder.

 The good thing about time (and I’ve said before that I do not believe that time heals all, but time does give us distance and an opportunity to see more clearly, reevaluate and make changes for ourselves) is that eventually we get to choose to write ourselves out of the dysfunctional story. So eventually, rather than seeing it as them rewriting our lives with someone new, we can write our own version where we understand that even though it seems so incredibly personal, their story is all about them and not about us. At first that hurts because we want to be part of their story. We were supposed to be a major part of their story, we were supposed to be there for the rest of their lives. With detachment comes the opportunity to take ourselves out of the story based in conjecture and fictional answers to all the “why” questions and into the reality of only what is right in front of us. I know that doesn’t sound appealing now, but it will be what helps you heal. It gets extremely exhausting trying to create answers to questions that have no answers, and you deserve peace.

Oh my goodness Nas, I cannot believe they did that with the dog! Just disgusting behaviour I don’t understand how some People can treat other human beings like this - but someone did say to me it’s good that I don’t understand because that says more about me and my moral compass I don’t understand because I could never do it to someone.

I have for a solicitor and I will be talking to her about this and the baby in terms of holidays and overnights etc - he just told me that I need to just trust his judgment that she’s a good person.. like I will ever trust a word that falls out of his mouth again the lies and the deception are just insane.

I’m trying to not let it effect my peace it’s just so difficult at times - I mean I have been back to the place spoken about since he left one because it was already booked before he left for my mums 60th and then again on a few day passes but the difference is I’m doing it alone with the kids not with my replacement - who I’m expected to believe is a lovely person and stable etc, is good with my kids etc - who has been more than happy to have a relationship with a married man who was expecting a baby..? And then continue and keep that family apart and deny the baby a chance - (not saying it’s all her) he has chosen this and is fully to blame but she has a accepted it I know if I was 28 and he came along with all this baggage and whatever story he is spinning I would run a mile!