i think keeping it simple helped me...i have never contacted ow and have ignored sporadic 'anonymous' notes and blocked any social media links as soon as i knew who she was.
have i chewed on it occasionally...of course
but the simple truths are:
- our spouses lie and it's unlikely they lie only to us and there are lots of things i don't/can't know
- both ow/om and our spouses do not have our feelings, needs or interests on their radar screen
- both have a vested interest in their own 'story' but their story is not mine and i don't want to be part of it
- if my feelings were irrelevant post-BD after 18 shared years, they are unlikely to be more relevant now to either of them or to their RL friends and family supporters
so, although at times i longed to shout and be heard, still do occasionally want to blast his family or friends or Katie the a$$hat celebrant or him even, i have always just about managed to see that my (natural) wish to be heard matters only to me and is wasted and self-destructive to voice with people who simply don't care what I think or feel or believe i have no right to be heard
i don't think it was right that my h unleashed a cold insane hell on his wife when she was bereaved, or ended his marriage by ghosting his wife or stealing or lying or showing no respect or empathy after 18 years or filing when I had cancer or making the divorce process as hard, confusing, drawn out and costly as he did or having no conversation, giving no explanation or recognition or even goodbye or publicly describing our life as a worthless prelude and remarrying within weeks. It sucks and I deserved better and I did my best to treat my h with calm respect that was absolutely one-sided. There were a ton of quite small things that my h - and even ow - could have done or not done to still get what they wanted without p***ing all over me, my past and my life.
But evidently my h and ow and some others in RL thought that was all just fine, or were told a different story.
And ow is a stranger who didn't make promises to me or owe me the respect that my h did. I may not like the little i've seen of her or her own bit of crazy, but mostly i resent my h inviting her agenda into his life and our marriage and consequently my life...but it was his choice to do so. But I always felt it was a disordered invitation that I had the right to refuse where I could. I could not stop the crazy or people wanting to hurt or threaten me...but I could say no and make it much harder for them to do so, in my case by moving and cutting the potential contact doors to it as we have no kids or reason to have any contact post-divorce.
do i still have moments of disbelief, anger or frustration where i want to shout out? yup...but i save them for people who give a damn and don't want to hurt me...much better investment
T: 18 M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg