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Author Topic: Discussion The Eyes Have It

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Discussion Re: The Eyes Have It
#110: September 17, 2018, 12:20:52 AM
Anger is understandable and many of us feel angry towards and ow/om but, mego, the advice here is healthy
find another more constructive way to use the anger

ow/om don't care what you think or feel
neither does your h right now
and both will feed off your reactions in a way which fits 'their' story
basic physics really...an action produces a reaction...and the best FU is be too important in your own life to even bother with people who are disordered and self-centred and who do not wish you well
best way to treat an 'affair down' is not to respond as if it/they have power over you

what's done is done
but please step away from feeding the drama, mego, it truly won't serve you
the rule of 3 is a good way to make a space between feelings and what we do with them
and the magic disappearance of ow/om will not 'fix' any problem that you need to fix imho

I think many of us have been in terrible shock and are acting out of character at times. Also, not everyone is aware of the laws! I didn't know that it was illegal to put something in someone's mailbox. I've dropped off lots of cards, etc. this way.

I think however, maybe this should be an important notice to anyone. My ex OW has contacted me many times and even attempted to meet. What you have written, Treasur, made me think that it is probably safest not to have face-to-face interactions. Both for my own well being but also, it is best not to subject yourself to any kind of anything that could be turned into a liability. (For example, false accusation etc.)
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Re: The Eyes Have It
#111: September 17, 2018, 12:43:28 AM
i think keeping it simple helped me...i have never contacted ow and have ignored sporadic 'anonymous' notes and blocked any social media links as soon as i knew who she was.
have i chewed on it occasionally...of course
but the simple truths are:
- our spouses lie and it's unlikely they lie only to us and there are lots of things i don't/can't know
- both ow/om and our spouses do not have our feelings, needs or interests on their radar screen
- both have a vested interest in their own 'story' but their story is not mine and i don't want to be part of it
- if my feelings were irrelevant post-BD after 18 shared years, they are unlikely to be more relevant now to either of them or to their RL friends and family supporters

so, although at times i longed to shout and be heard, still do occasionally want to blast his family or friends or Katie the a$$hat celebrant or him even, i have always just about managed to see that my (natural) wish to be heard matters only to me and is wasted and self-destructive to voice with people who simply don't care what I think or feel or believe i have no right to be heard

i don't think it was right that my h unleashed a cold insane hell on his wife when she was bereaved, or ended his marriage by ghosting his wife or stealing or lying or showing no respect or empathy after 18 years or filing when I had cancer or making the divorce process as hard, confusing, drawn out and costly as he did or having no conversation, giving no explanation or recognition or even goodbye or publicly describing our life as a worthless prelude and remarrying within weeks. It sucks and I deserved better and I did my best to treat my h with calm respect that was absolutely one-sided. There were a ton of quite small things that my h - and even ow - could have done or not done to still get what they wanted without p***ing all over me, my past and my life.
But evidently my h and ow and some others in RL thought that was all just fine, or were told a different story.

And ow is a stranger who didn't make promises to me or owe me the respect that my h did. I may not like the little i've seen of her or her own bit of crazy, but mostly i resent my h inviting her agenda into his life and our marriage and consequently my life...but it was his choice to do so. But I always felt it was a disordered invitation that I had the right to refuse where I could. I could not stop the crazy or people wanting to hurt or threaten me...but I could say no and make it much harder for them to do so, in my case by moving and cutting the potential contact doors to it as we have no kids or reason to have any contact post-divorce.

do i still have moments of disbelief, anger or frustration where i want to shout out? yup...but i save them for people who give a damn and don't want to hurt me...much better investment  :)
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2018, 12:59:28 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#112: September 17, 2018, 04:23:36 AM
"I could say a lot more but I don't want to stoop to your level"

Please let's not disrespect other LBS.  That was unnecessary.


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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#113: September 17, 2018, 04:38:32 AM
agree with Thunder - it was unnecessary so please don't take it personally, says more about the person who said it than you, mego
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#114: September 17, 2018, 05:45:04 AM
You traveled 4.5 hours to deposit a letter in her mailbox without a stamp? Putting something in someone's mailbox is a Federal crime!

Actually NO, I was going there anyway.....custody exchange....long story.

And NO, I did not know it was illegal, but thank you for sharing all of your valuable legal knowledge!

Please tell me....are you always Regina George, or just on the internet?
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Re: The Eyes Have It
#115: September 17, 2018, 06:37:49 AM
Funny, mego...but don't take the bait
There you go, the universe is giving you a chance to feel p**ed but ignore someone else's unpleasant behaviour LOL - unintended free practice gift  :D
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#116: September 17, 2018, 09:58:22 AM
LOL Treaur....

It actually takes a while to get me to snap....or someone threatening my family (Mama Bear comes OUT.)
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Re: The Eyes Have It
#117: September 28, 2018, 10:20:03 AM
I just want to share my experience about my MLCer's eyes. He had all the eyes, shark eyes, black eyes, blank eyes. My H's eyes are blue, yet the times I saw him when he was in monster, or in his crisis, or selfish, or not himself his eyes were black, no colour. On the times I saw him and he was himself to me, his eyes were blue again. That was only a couple of times since BD. I couldn't help but notice this.

Then there are what I consider shark eyes. These are slitty eyes with little concentration. Eyes that seem to dart and evade looking straight at me.

Then there are the eyes that I see often in his photos since BD, blank. He might be smiling in his photos, but his eyes are not.

My H has aged drastically since BD. To me he was extremely attractive and fit right until a couple of months after BD. Now he's completely white, looks 70, worried, stressed, puffy around the eyes, like I'm feeling tonight, but I'm exhausted and have a fever. 
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#118: August 20, 2019, 06:45:08 AM
Thought this was worth bumping in case any LBS here has seen this and doubted their sanity  :) bc as you can see, lots of us have seen it even if we are not sure what causes it. There seems to be some debate in the psychiatry world if pupil dilation is linked to the fight/flight bit of the brain...and may be more common with personality disorders or types of depression or schizophrenia...but it IS a thing.

So validation for those of you who have seen it.
Maybe a chance for some encouragement from older timers who have seen it go as their spouses start to recover?

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/08/the-dead-eyed-stare-3/

I saw two types.
The dead eye of depression initially...kind of hollow, empty, a bit frightened, lost maybe.
Then after maybe 6 months or so the shark eye which tbh was quite frightening...a different kind of no one there but more malevolent. It absolutely felt like he would walk over my dying body, as if he was something potentially unpredictable and dangerous.
The last time I saw him in Oct 16, shark eyes...probably why I refused to see him again.
The last photo I saw of him about March this year, as I recall, back to dead eyes and that rather rigid face many of us have seen too. I have NC of course so no idea if his eyes today would be full of sparkle and light and warmth as they used to be. But I am absolutely confident that if I saw my xh in RL I would know the state of his head by simply looking into his eyes, no words needed.
Not how normal people's eyes look at all but another one of those things we see and folks in RL often have no idea what we are talking about.

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« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 06:54:53 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Eyes Have It
#119: August 20, 2019, 06:52:02 AM
Their eyes start to awaken as they starting to awaken. Like newborn start to use eyes again. It is amazing.

Matthew 6:22-23
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy,[a] your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
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« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 07:50:36 AM by Albatross »

 

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