[xyzcf]

I consider what my H is going through is a major depressive crisis at mid-life.  A perfect storm scenario.

I agree KayDee and I also feel it is related to Developmental Stages of the Life Span (Erik Erickson) with a much stronger response than someone who is not in crisis. The perfect storm as you say, fear of getting older or dying, children leaving, loss of important people in their lives, biochemical changes, stress, spiritual crisis...all culminating in a "break" of sorts.

I remember back when I was a teenager and not a very nice person to my parents..no reason, they were very good parents....I remember when my daughter was 16...wanted to give her away. Both my daughter and I went through this stage and then i ended and we became "normal" again. It's a small example perhaps of a similar type of thing.

I have empathy for their "depression" and the stories I have read of MLCers who do write about their experience makes me very glad that I am not the one in crisis.

Yes, RCR did base some of her work on Jim Conway's Men in Midlife crisis. She also studied various other psychology theories, lived through it herself and accumulated years of studying other stories of MLCer's via what has been posted here.

The damage done to the LBSer is significant and so both MLCer and LBSer are going to be greatly changed by this.

[WHY]

The idea of the original love still being inside, just suppressed due to depression, is a critical concept for me.  If this IS the case, then I believe its worth the LBS enduring the mental torture required to keep your marriage together, especially with an at-home, low energy wallower. 

However, if a completely new love needs to form after MLC, then I think it makes more sense to fully let them go, D, live separate lives for a few years until they're recovered (which would likely be a shorter period than if they were home), then see if you can fall in love again as completely different people.  This to me would appear to offer a better chance at reconciliation.

These two concepts have a massive impact on the LBS mental well being and choice to D or not.  I wish there was an answer to this.  And that's why I've been trying to find answers from more recovered MLCers.  Yet they barely exist. 

[WHY]

Has anyone ever heard of EMDR therapy being used in the case of MLC.  I found a YouTube vid about MLC and there were a lot of comment saying how this therapy helped people with their issues. 

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy

[UrsaMajor]

Has anyone ever heard of EMDR therapy being used in the case of MLC.  I found a YouTube vid about MLC and there were a lot of comment saying how this therapy helped people with their issues. 

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy

Treasur swears by it

[Thunder]

Hi WHY,

You did mean EMDR therapy for the LBS, right?  Not for the MLCer.

[WHY]

Hi WHY,

You did mean EMDR therapy for the LBS, right?  Not for the MLCer.

Hey!  No for the MLCer.  To unlock hidden CPTSD issues which possibly resulted in their MLC.

[xyzcf]

Most MLCers do not acknowledge that there is anything wrong with them. Unless they themselves are wanting to receive therapy, it's highly unlikely they would go.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi WHY,

You did mean EMDR therapy for the LBS, right?  Not for the MLCer.

Hey!  No for the MLCer.  To unlock hidden CPTSD issues which possibly resulted in their MLC.

Mid-Lifers? Get therapy? Seriously?

WET CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5 PLEASE!

Why should a Mi-Lifer need therapy? After all, the LBS is the one that is responsible for their misery 

[Treasur]

Why, yes I am a fan of EMDR as part of dealing with embedded trauma, although things like CBT, NLP and different kinds of somatic therapy can work well too.

Intellectually I see no reason why it wouldn’t be useful to anyone trying to unhook themselves from old traumas, MLCer or not. However, where that idea falls over I think is that most MLC behaviour suggests that they have already selected a different approach towards dealing with it....one of avoidance and external solutions rather than internal ones. I’m not quite sure how one could usefully do any kind of solid trauma work without stopping to see it as more of an internal job than an external one, if that makes sense? And who knows, maybe for some of these folks, the external fix works just well enough for long enough that it never reaches that kind of ‘do or die’ stage? I know that by the time I got to EMDR, I would have stood on my head whistling Dixie if someone told me it might work bc I simply could not bear to live much longer in the skin I was in at that time.  jmo though.

[WHY]

Why, yes I am a fan of EMDR as part of dealing with embedded trauma, although things like CBT, NLP and different kinds of somatic therapy can work well too.

Intellectually I see no reason why it wouldn’t be useful to anyone trying to unhook themselves from old traumas, MLCer or not. However, where that idea falls over I think is that most MLC behaviour suggests that they have already selected a different approach towards dealing with it....one of avoidance and external solutions rather than internal ones. I’m not quite sure how one could usefully do any kind of solid trauma work without stopping to see it as more of an internal job than an external one, if that makes sense? And who knows, maybe for some of these folks, the external fix works just well enough for long enough that it never reaches that kind of ‘do or die’ stage? I know that by the time I got to EMDR, I would have stood on my head whistling Dixie if someone told me it might work bc I simply could not bear to live much longer in the skin I was in at that time.  jmo though.

So the person needs to want it to work, for it to work?   Even if you could convince your MLCer to go, it wouldn’t work unless they really wanted it?  Kind of like couples counseling I guess.  I was just hoping that someone had tried this type of therapy on a MLCer and saw some sort of breakthrough.   I mean 100 years of MLC an nothing has worked?

I guess I’m really bought into the concept of MLC because I started living with an alien overnight and the script is real. 

However, I’m much more skeptical about recovery or end game and if it’s worth standing at all.  All I have to go on is shocksis and a few others here that said they “loved their LBS all along”.

But 2 data points don’t make a trend.   And it sounds like the vast majority go on to live different lives.  They essentially change, heal, and no longer want their old life. 

So why endure the torture of standing.  Why do we teach/promote standing here at HS if the smart move is to move on?