[WHY]

The person that comes back is usually still broken and it’s not attractive.  It’s all about your personal convictions and deciding if climbing this mountain of reconciliation is worth it.  It is vital though that you move forward and try to completely let go of what you had.  That is dead.  Anything new is from the ashes.

So much wisdom being spoken here today.  This is so true.

At the end of the day, there are children involved, and vows are one thing.  But I feel that when you bring kids into this world, you make them a promise, that you will do everything you can to raise them right and protect them.  Period. 

I feel like we have no choice, we have to try climb that mountain.  Im just not sure any of it is worth it, especially if the hole is too deep to start building from (i.e. the LBS damage). 

[Finding Joy]

Why, I completely understand your thoughts on children and doing everything you can.  If I did not have children, even with God convicting me, I would not have thought the mountain was worth it.

It was important to me to stop a cycle for my children.  My husbands mom also had an MLC and abandoned.  She tried to return after two years, but Dad had moved on.  My husband repeated this for lots of reasons, but ultimately because he had not dealt with his mom’s abandonment.

I did not want that for my children and it really was a driving force for me to try and reconcile.  My children will hopefully not repeat the pattern….

[WHY]

Why, I completely understand your thoughts on children and doing everything you can.  If I did not have children, even with God convicting me, I would not have thought the mountain was worth it.

It was important to me to stop a cycle for my children.  My husbands mom also had an MLC and abandoned.  She tried to return after two years, but Dad had moved on.  My husband repeated this for lots of reasons, but ultimately because he had not dealt with his mom’s abandonment.

I did not want that for my children and it really was a driving force for me to try and reconcile.  My children will hopefully not repeat the pattern….

This really triggers me.  Im trying to do the same thing.  W's Dad had a MLC and abandoned her mom.  He's the MLCer I know that tried to come back after 10 years but her mom said no.

For the daughters its with their fathers.  For the sons its with their moms. 

[Finding Joy]

 

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi FJ,

Glad you were able to reconcile with your H and provide a healthy view on M and relationships for your children.  I worry about my own kids but all I can do is control my own relationship with them.

Glad you are near family in Texas and hope you continue to enjoy your life in the coming years.

HF

[UrsaMajor]

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful.

Any kind of guesstimate would be "fake news" because there simply is no evidence of any sort to base any sort of estimate on and each Mid-Lifer/LBS combination is different....

MLCxW2's F (my xFIL) was off in the tunnel after he divorced MLCxW2's mom and never came out. Serial affairs, marriages, divorces, relationships, etc, in an ever-quickening cycle until he died of heart failure. at a relatively young age (mid-70's). I don't know if he tried to come back but his R with his 3 kids was wrecked because of the damage he did.....

UM

[MadLuv]

I agree that there is just everyone’s stories, but each is unique. My mother had a mlc and left and tried to come back 10 years later. Wrote my Dad a letter and he threw it away. When he died she said he was the love of her life???

My XH grandfather walked out on his wife of decades. Married OW. When she died he immediately married someone decades younger and  he died and she after only a year of marriage got everything he had. I know when I married my XH I told him how cruel I thought his grandfather had been to him grandmother and that PLEASE dont ever cheat on me. Just ask to leave. He did exactly and worse to me than his grandfather.

I do feel that it is impossible to get into someone’s head and know exactly why they think the way they do and what drives that and that is why each story is unpredictable on how it will evolve.

[Treasur]

Again RCR, Ursa, any of the vets here.  No hard data required.  But any type of guestimate would be helpful.

Any kind of guesstimate would be "fake news" because there simply is no evidence of any sort to base any sort of estimate on and each Mid-Lifer/LBS combination is different....

I agree on the limited value of guesstimates, Why.
If I was pushed, I’d say something less than 5% of marriages reconcile for a variety of reasons. But it’s a guess based on a good dollop of cognitive bias and a limited skewed data set 

What I do notice in myself nowadays is what surprises me and what doesn’t…..
Ongoing chaos and drama post BD and even post divorce does not surprise me. Weird entitlement or years of LBS blaming long past the point where someone has apparently got the ‘new happy’ does not surprise me. Bizarrely Olympian levels of denying the blindingly obvious or trying to avoid the entirely predictable and reasonable effects of taking a metaphorical sledge hammer to your spouse and family does not surprise me. And a deep pit of self pity that paints one as a sadz victim rather than an initiator of something that came with some unpleasant effects does not surprise me.

I have no idea how one has any kind of sensible sane happy relationship with people caught in that kind of lens…..

I am surprised by MLCers showing real compassion for those they hurt. Or being reliable and trustworthy and consistent in doing what they say they will do, even in small things. Or holding themselves accountable, without wiggle room or blaming others, for the fact that they made the choices they did and created the path that ensued. Or signs of a person at peace or with the kind of grace or humility that leads one to tread gently in the world and respect that it isn’t always all about you…..

One doesn’t see much of that with MLC ex/spouses anecdotally here even years on.  Which imho means that most continue to be poor quality partnership material. At best. 

[Finding Joy]

Treasure, I really don’t know how to quote you correctly on this:)

The last couple of paragraphs you wrote about the post MLCer not likely to be a good partner.  I completely agree with that for most MLCers.  They were avoidant people their whole life to begin with.  Avoidant of doing the inner work.  It is a far stretch for them to overcome such massive deficits after MLC to become some amazing person after spending their life avoidant of inner work.

It can happen.  My MLCer did the work and is now a whole, healthy, amazing partner and father. 

That said having watched the process and how humble, dedicated, steady, patient, steadfast etc he had to be after his MLC towards all of us.  It’s a very sacrificial walk for the MLCer(and LBS).  One I don’t believe most MLCers are capable of.  They may look back in regret or wish they were able to repair.  That is like wishing you were in shape without doing the work.

Most simply will be unable, unwilling or not given the chance to do the work and make things right.  The much easier option is to move on.   For my family both my spouse and I said early on, it truly was easier for us both to just move on.  It is not an easy journey and no promise of some amazing loving spouse after.

That said, it does happen and in my case it was worth the effort.  He still has ptsd from the deployment that started all of this.  He still has to battle that daily, but I do fully trust him again and believe in him fully.  Each situation is different.  For my spouse he had a very strong faith before MLC.  After the deployment he hated God, and me.  I knew he would eventually get right with God in my heart, but had he waited even a month longer we would not be together.  I had plans to move to TX two years ago, he knew he had to either step up or get out of the way because he was about to watch another man raise his children and love his (ex)wife. 

Their is nothing unselfish about MLC.  If they get right, come back, it’s usually because they are at the end of their rope so to speak.  Their life in shambles.  Not necessarily because they regret all of their choices.  The regret comes later once they are more healed.  The apology, humbleness, dedication to making it right comes after they return still broken.  So taking them back is very difficult imo.

[Finding Joy]

Heavenly Focus-Thank you!  It truly is all we can do for our children to do our best and be who we are supposed to be.  We can’t control other’s actions that is for sure!