Author Topic: We Rise, We Heal, We Overcome

Slow Fade · **OP:** March 02, 2021, 09:46:53 AM

Wow, been so long I almost forgot how to start a new thread!

Curiosity · **#1:** March 02, 2021, 10:28:15 AM

Attaching and thanking you for the title - which is something I’m not sure I would have believed even a handful of months ago, but which now feels more true every day.

Slow Fade · **#2:** March 02, 2021, 10:30:06 AM

Thank you Curiosity and welcome! I've been at this since 2012! I hope I can help someone somewhere along the line. We do survive!

UrsaMajor · **#3:** March 03, 2021, 12:51:49 AM

You are welcome, SF!

You are 3 years ahead of me in this ...

Milly · **#4:** March 03, 2021, 02:26:22 AM

Following along with you, Slow.

Slow Fade · **#5:** March 03, 2021, 07:46:55 AM

Thank you and come on along, but fair warning, it can be like watching paint dry!

Slow Fade · **#6:** March 29, 2021, 12:09:45 PM

Just a bump up. I survived my hysterectomy only to have to jump into a tooth implant and now (not because of the implant) I'm having issues falling asleep; as in at my desk, in meetings, in the car!

So now I'm banished from driving until my doctor can set up an emergency referral to a neurologist. My S18 is now my chauffer for the time being. I feel like I'm physically breaking down all at once! I wonder if I'll be totally refurbished and come with a new warranty!

Curiosity · **#7:** March 29, 2021, 01:37:04 PM

Not quite the paint-drying that we all were wishing for you. I am sorry for all of these challenges but you are facing them with grace and strength and good humor. Wishing you swift healing and the chance to find some calm waters as 2021 goes on.

Marchingforward · **#8:** March 29, 2021, 01:43:10 PM

Attaching. I love reading your updates SF.

Glad you recovered well from the hysterectomy. Praying for your neurology appointment.

Nas · **#9:** March 29, 2021, 04:58:24 PM

Hope they can get to the bottom of it, SF. It’s awful to be so tired and not being able to drive feels so limiting.
Hope you get an appointment soon!

Slow Fade · **#10:** March 30, 2021, 11:52:36 AM

Thank you Curiosity, Marchingforward and Nas.

I'm kind of annoyed that they don't want me driving. I think I would be fine and they are just being over cautious. (I know, famous last words!

)

I keep thinking about my Mom and her dementia.....the words "neurologist" sent a shiver of fear down my spine. Plus its the same neurologist that my Mom saw.

beyondblessed · **#11:** March 30, 2021, 03:40:52 PM

We do all of those things in time, and some like myself, move on, looking back only to see how far we've come.

FaithWalker · **#12:** April 03, 2021, 06:59:43 PM

So sorry to hear about the sleep issues SF. I hope they get it figured out quickly so you can get your driving freedom back!

Slow Fade · **#13:** April 05, 2021, 08:08:56 AM

Thank you Beyond Blessed and FaithWalker.

I hope they can figure out something as well. I just attributed my brain fog to menopause and stress but perhaps there is an underlying issue? What came first, the chicken or the egg in this case? Lol!

We had a great Easter. My favorite holiday. I wish my Mom was closer so I could visit more often.......

Slow Fade · **#14:** June 22, 2021, 09:11:39 AM

Hello friends! Its been a minute or two since I posted.

Wednesday I go to pick out a cpap machine. Oh joy. O well, hopefully it will make a world of difference. $:-\$

We just got back from a vacation to Nebraska (I know, who goes on vacation to Omaha?

) to have S18 meet his online girlfriend in person for the first time. OMG they are such a cute couple. Watching them was so sweet. Young love. This is S18's first experience with this kind of thing. She will be 18 in September so she has another year of school left. We will see what happens when that time comes. We met her parents and had dinner with them and went to the zoo. It was a great time. Loooong, loooong drive and the humidity was shocking at first, but the great plains were awesome and watching the clouds and storms pop up was amazing!

H and I even slept in the same bed. We don't usually due to snoring issues and the need to starfish when we sleep! It was a very nice time together. Easy conversations, laughter, a sense of safety and comfort. Shared a nice dinner together to celebrate our birthdays...…I'm liking this time in our life right now.

Interesting thing he said......as we were talking about S18 we speculated that he could be married, have a good career track and be settled in the next few years.....H said "Yeah or he could be a total train wreck by the time he's in his 40's."

Interesting note from a MLCr. Clarity? Remorse? Insite? Perhaps.........hopefully S18 won't be a victim of the sins of the father....

UrsaMajor · **#15:** June 22, 2021, 09:47:46 AM

Nice story!

A bit of clarity and reflection perhaps... Time will tell

Slow Fade · **#16:** June 22, 2021, 10:02:51 AM

Thank you Ursa.....

The rift between S18 and H has been going on for 11 years.....Its just now starting to mend. So sad that H missed out on so much in that young man's life.

There is hope going forward however.

They can relate to each other on an adult level. S18 is starting to realize that he has a voice and power to use it...….

Nas · **#17:** June 22, 2021, 10:03:48 AM

Interesting update, SF. Glad to hear from you and I hope you're feeling well!

Father5 · **#18:** June 22, 2021, 11:33:58 AM

HI SF,

I deal with the same symptoms. My Dr is at a loss on the fatigue. I dont breathe out of nose all that well. Maybe a C pap will help me sleep.

Slow Fade · **#19:** September 07, 2021, 02:28:50 PM

Thank you Father5 and Nas. The cpap has been interesting and I find myself not wanting to sleep without it and looking forward to using it at night. Weird. I have learned to breathe through my nose and the rhythm of the machine encourages me to breathe deeply and regularly. I fall asleep in minutes!

Everything else marches on as usual. A little concerned about H's health however. He drinks more, he doesn't watch what he eats and he has put on a little bit of weight. (me too, but I'm working on changes

) I wish he would go in for a checkup but he tends to downplay the issues. In some ways he's still in denial about his age.

Ahhh MLC, the gift that keeps on giving.

He is a total anti-vaccer as well.......very worrisome.

I miss my chocolate lab something fierce. I see a treat or something that I think he would like and then my heart is bruised all over again. Living in the house without a big dog is something I've never experienced in my life. Horses are gone, 2 dogs are gone, 2 cats are gone.........trying to unencumber my life so I can travel more easily as I look down the barrel of retirement. H would like to buy a boat big enough to live on. We shall see. For now I have taken up canning food. I've never done it before but it is very satisfying to see jars of things I've done in the pantry. Next year will see the start of a pretty substantial garden I hope.

Wholesome food, fresh air and exercise? What will my poor body think!!!!

Slow Fade · **#20:** December 06, 2021, 09:09:48 AM

Hello everyone. Just browsing. Thought I would check in.

Holidays were hard without H, but they are even worse with what my Mom is going through....she is in a nursing home about 2 hours away and they are trying to tweak her meds so that she isn't aggressive to staff and other residents. She cries a lot and is totally delusional. I'm living with a low level of stress all the time. Lewy Body Dementia is a horrible, horrible disease......

Other than that nothing much changes. Its snowing here now. S18 has to drive to counseling. My Mommy worrier is activated! If its not one thing its another!

My doctor tells me to lower my expectations regarding the holiday and to only do what I can handle and let the rest go. If the house isn't decorated, the cookies aren't baked and the lights aren't up, so what. Do what you can do and give your self a break. This is my advice to newbies who are facing their first holidays without their MLC'rs. Take care of yourselves and put your own oxygen masks on first!

Nas · **#21:** December 06, 2021, 09:22:53 AM

Sound advice, SF.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. That must be difficult. ((hugs))

Songanddance · **#22:** December 06, 2021, 10:45:23 AM

Good to hear from you SF - take it steady and yes - self care above all else.

I am sorry to hear about your mom - that is tough. All good thoughts and wishes from me x

MadLuv · **#23:** December 06, 2021, 05:44:00 PM

SF- so sorry about your mother. That is heartbreaking. I agree on the Holidays. Pre-lit trees are beautiful with no ornaments. That is my route this year. No triggers of past Christmas decorating with family ornaments. One less thing…

UrsaMajor · **#24:** December 06, 2021, 11:51:58 PM

SF, I can tell you from personal experience with R's mom, once they get the meds right, it will make a world of difference. R's mom (also Dementia) went from a paranoid manic depressive to a really quite friendly person, even if she doesn't recall names or that she left her Bible on the balcony or put her shoes in the underwear drawer... The cognitive part can't be helped a lot but at least the emotional part is much better.

I totally agree with getting done what you can and what you can't doesn't get done. We are juggling several balls as well and my motto is (as usual) "shoot the biggest wolf that is closest to the sled first."

Hugs

Slow Fade · **#25:** December 07, 2021, 08:02:52 AM

Thank you Nas, Song and Dance, Tornup and Ursa. I will take all the hugs and well wishes I can get! So will Mom.

Ursa I love the wolf analogy! We live out in the rural area and that is so appropriate! They are frantically working on the proper combination of meds but its a moving target. Just when you think they have it dialed in, it goes out of focus again. She is moving into the latter stages I think......Lewy is a roller coaster!

Tornup you made me laugh because that is exactly what I was thinking as I was looking at my pre lit tree in the living room with the fake fireplace crackling on the television set! The ornaments may just stay packed this year!

As with MLC, its not about the stuff or the traditions or the things that always were. We are charting new territory and all prior knowledge goes out the door. Find your center, find your peace in the chaos, find yourself...

Hugs to everyone.

forthetrees · **#26:** December 07, 2021, 08:56:12 AM

The scents around you can trigger good memories so may I suggest treating yourself to a thymes (the brand) candle- it has all the aroma of a fraiser fir tree and none of the hassle of a tree. Bake some sugar cookies or snickerdoodles to fill up the kitchen with that heavenly scent, pour a hot cuppa tea, snuggle under a throw, and know that you´ve been quite the trooper.

Slow Fade · **#27:** December 07, 2021, 10:08:07 AM

Thank you Forthetrees....

H has become a whiskey connoisseur and is always experimenting with different brands.....he brought home a bourbon that was gifted to him and so I made bourbon balls!!!!

I love to bake so that has been very soothing. I have a little 4 pound dog who loves to cuddle so we sit in the chair, I put on some mindless show and crochet. The only thing missing is the chair doesn't rock!

I'm trying to bake some of H's favorite Norwegian cookies from his childhood and its been a challenge . Rosette irons and deep frying are foreign to me! Lesson #1 was "Do not let the grease splash up on your hand!" Ouch.

I feel very melancholy this year and am visiting memories from my past. Unfortunately there isn't anyone that shares them with me. My brother passed 5 years ago and my Mom can't reminisce any longer. You guys are the target of my rambling! You were there during the darkest days. You can follow along or not, its just nice to get it out.

Maybe I should start a computer journal? Hmmmm...... $:-\$

Nas · **#28:** December 07, 2021, 10:43:03 AM

Omg, I love bourbon balls. Bravo, they're not easy to make! In my next life I'm going to do it right and be a master chocalatier.

forthetrees · **#29:** December 07, 2021, 01:13:05 PM

I learned how to crochet watching a Brit named Bobbi on youtube- made a lot of crowns at the lowest of my lows.

LearningIamOk · **#30:** December 08, 2021, 04:50:50 PM

Hi SF! I haven't commented on a thread in oh so long. My cousin's D just got bomb dropped and thought I would look in. I just sent the Forum web address to them. I hope she peeks in and finds some comfort. Why do they always do this around a holiday or other significant day?

I can't believe your S is 18 AND has a girlfriend. Time does fly.

Sorry to hear about your troubles and your mom's condition. It must be terribly frightening to watch. My parents have been gone for many years. If my dad was still alive he would be 101.

Your H still seems to be searching for some meaning in his life. Although drinking is no way to find it. I lost a sister last Dec. to alcoholism.

Other bits of your life seem good though. Canning, crocheting, your little dog seem soothing. My family has been such a mess over the last 2 years that I canceled Thanksgiving and went with my boyfriend to his sister-in-law's. I am not putting up a tree this year. I adopted a dog in August and he would probably pull the ornaments off. He's a bit of a terror. He's a border collie mix, about a year old now. He is more work than any of my German Shepards were.

As Yoda says, do or do not. The holidays can be draining and I am only going to do what I can.

Slow Fade · **#31:** December 09, 2021, 08:25:26 AM

Thank you Nas and FTT!

Learning, it is so good to hear from you! What a journey.....you were there for me in my darkest hours helping me navigate through this mess. I can't thank you enough.....

I still see the searching behaviors in H, but he is more content, more generous and more attentive, (or else I'm just less needy ?) Anyway its working for us. I'm not sure how much he really drinks as he's at work on the weekdays and home on the weekends. His place where he stays while he's working looks like a frat house.

I can't imagine living in that chaos all week long. I work full time too and still manage to keep a presentable house and take care of S18 as well as the animals and the landscaping on our 10 acres. How long does MLC last? Could it be that it lingers like long Covid? Who knows.

This is why the final choice is always the LBS's...….for me it was yes. His dream now is to win the lottery, buy an explorer yacht and travel the 7 seas! As they say, if it floats your boat do it.

I can say that I've been considering my own mortality lately, probably because of my Mom. It can be a frightening thing sometimes to think about. I can see how people go over the edge into MLC. Running away from the inevitable. Thinking you can stop the passage of time by trying to create a "do over". As Spock would say....(for those of you old enough to remember

) "Its not logical". Reality isn't always pretty, but its always reality so better to deal with it than run from it.

S18's girlfriend drove him away. I think for her, when we went to Omaha meet her and her family in person, the reality of S18 being an actual person , live and in color, was too much for her. She prefers to deal in the world of cyber people where she can just shut down her computer and make them go away. S18 was reality and she couldn't handle it. O well, first heartbreaks are always the worst, but S18 recovered pretty quickly and learned some things along the way. Too bad, because they were such a cute couple......

Now he's attending counseling weekly and learning how to deal with his anxiety and depression before he jumps into the world of work. I'm ok with that. He's a help to me around the house and can run errands. We really enjoy each other's company and laugh at a lot of things. He can be snarky and sarcastic but I think he has a heart of gold. He is finally starting to connect with his Dad again. Took long enough, but S18 doesn't forgive easily.

Learning I would love to have another big dog. My little guy is ok, but its not the same. He is basically a cat that barks!

I've had large dogs since I was 14 (Great Dane) and I miss the solid presence of a large protector.

Sorry to hear about the chaos in your family. Its never easy. I don't hear from family on Mom's side much. I think they don't want to see Mom in her condition. Its a very lonely island when you are a caregiver to a loved one with dementia. Perhaps God was preparing me for this by going through H's MLC. It sure made me a stronger, more independent person. Gotta look at the bright side.

I found it very funny that one of my co workers who thought I was a total doormat and that I should kick H to the curb is now having a daughter who is experiencing this with her H.....the co-worker said "She is handling it with so much grace, dignity and kindness". Gee, when I was doing that she called me a doormat!

Funny how perspective changes!

xyzcf · **#32:** December 09, 2021, 05:27:44 PM

So good to hear your update. Sad to hear about your mother.

My mother had Alzheimer's for about 12 years. She was 72 when first diagnosed and I am not so far away from that so I understand thinking about our mortality. Plus I have had a health issue that has added to all that.

I smiled when I read this:

Quote

How long does MLC last? Could it be that it lingers like long Covid? Who knows.

So much for the 2-5 years we first thought.

Enjoy this Christmas season. Your son sounds like he is doing well! I too lost my beloved dog last April and miss her so much but I am doing some traveling so it allows me more freedom but the house is very empty.

Slow Fade · **#33:** December 10, 2021, 07:49:16 AM

Oh xyzcf, so good to hear from you! You were another angel of light in the darkness of MLC.......God Bless you!

Traveling sounds wonderful. I would love to be able to see new places and meet new people. Heck I got excited by a trip across the Great Plains! Who knew how majestic and interesting they would be. I'm very naïve and sheltered I guess!

Have a great and blessed Christmas.

Hugs

Wonder no more · **#34:** December 10, 2021, 11:27:23 AM

Good to hear your update, like others have said. I rarely comment on anyone's thread but read often to see how others are doing. Life since this pandemic has been a bit different, but still really good. I don't miss being in any crowds. Finally going to see family for Christmas. Since my mom is 90 we don't know how many more we will have with her. Plus I have a 2 1/2 yr old nephew I'm dying to see, who just got a new puppy. H and I are closer than ever....can't believe it's been 11 yrs since his MLC blew up our lives. We are enjoying our retirement but sometimes feel like life is going too fast.

Wishing you Slow Fade and all us "Old Timers" a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!! We had quite the support group didn't we!

xyzcf · **#35:** December 10, 2021, 03:31:36 PM

SF, we all really supported one another. I was so lost back then.

I am actually meeting another well loved LBSer from back then and we shall explore Scotland after I spend some time in the UK.

I am very blessed to have my health and finances to travel.

Come and visit me sometime SF!

Slow Fade · **#36:** May 16, 2022, 11:30:37 AM

Just another update on watching the grass grow in my life!

H is showing signs of physical affection now. He is generous with his money and time. S19 and he are rebuilding their relationship and it is wonderful.....

S19 has severe anxiety and depression, but counseling is helping. He is having trouble "launching" into life and the anxiety is keeping him from working. I think he will be fine, its just going to take some time.

My Mom is still in a nursing home 2 hours away....I see her as often as I can. She always knows who I am, but she lives in a constant state of delirium and hallucinations.........I miss her as she was. This is no life for her......

Work is work but there is a new opportunity I'm considering. I work here with two women and everything I do or say is wrong.......I have no outlet for emotions or support from them. It sucks. Not to mention that they are wasting my talents. I'm basically a highly paid receptionist and janitor because one of the women gets extremely defensive if any mention is made of sharing the work she does. She thinks I'm after her job.

The boss, who also does HR, is extremely conflict avoidant so the other one always gets her way. She (the defensive one) thinks she is the nicest person in the world; I think she's a bully. O well. Retirement is on the horizon.

Thank you for letting me vent. All I can do here is look busy and keep my mouth shut!

MadLuv · **#37:** May 16, 2022, 12:03:13 PM

Slow fade-

I’m so sorry about your mom. Sending positive wishes for her. And also for your so . Your work. I was in a position for a short while transferring here for XH promotion. I was just thrown into a job way below me. It was the worst work year of my life and I know the start of issues for my XH and I as I blamed him in ways and think added pressure. I hope you can get into something different. So glad your H is showing some good signs and specially with Your son. Warms my heart to hear any MLC reconnecting with their kids. It’s what I pray for the most. Thank you for the update

Slow Fade · **#38:** May 16, 2022, 12:12:15 PM

Thank you MadLuv.

Its been 10 years in the making. Very slow. S19 was hurt so bad it has taken him a while to come out of it. Looking back, its been an amazing journey. Not pleasant, but amazing.

I've been at this job for 12 years and was at my previous job at a corporate level for 25. This is just the pettiness of people who think they are more than they are. Very insecure. What makes it hard to leave is that I have Gold Cadillac benefits........and only 7 years until full retirement. Do I have the energy to move on? Would it be fair to a new employer? I'm not sure. $:-\$

I've had a lot of exercise rolling my eyes but I can fall asleep at my desk from boredom......

MadLuv · **#39:** May 16, 2022, 01:47:53 PM

Oh, I get it. Was at my job/company for 25 years and went to a new company at 57 it was not a simple adjustment. 10 years. I shutter to think. Hopefully I will still be alive at 70 and my kids and father will have long ago repaired the relationship. I hope I can look back and think it was an amazing journey. I sure know I will grow from it. Keep us updated on how the father/son do.

FaithWalker · **#40:** May 27, 2022, 11:42:40 PM

Good to read the update SF. I like to hear that the signs of affection and money sharing are coming back. I am sorry that your S is still struggling some. The collateral damage to our children is one of the hardest things to bear.

Sorry to hear about the job woes, that is very unfortunate. It's hard to go to work where you are bored and don't feel valued. Pettiness in the workplace is just no bueno.

Slow Fade · **#41:** February 23, 2023, 09:17:02 AM

Just checking back in. I peek from time to time just to get a feel for how people are doing. It's been a long time since BD, but it feels like a blink. S20 has started a job. Hopefully he is healed enough to be able to keep it and stay on the life launching pad! lol. I would keep him home forever if I could, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us.

H finally decided to file our taxes together. After 11 years. Another small step out of the crisis. I think he thought he was going to make bank with the deductions, but our combined incomes put us into a higher tax bracket, he had 20,000 from his military retirement annuity so we ended up paying out about 5,000.

At least he has showed his cards with regards to income. He trusts me that much which is nice. He makes a LOT more than I thought he did and I'm trying not to be shocked. (or take a frying pan to his head

) Still walking on eggshells with some things even after all of this time.

That's on me. An area I need to work on.

H calls me a submarine. He says that I dive too deeply into issues with him when he's just operating on the surface. He doesn't understand why I trigger on things or think he may have motive's that he doesn't. Well H, once bitten, twice shy. However, to move forward, I cannot always bring that bat out to beat him with.

H's S41 (not mine) decided to divorce his wife of 20 years. They had been living apart for 7 years, but continued to go camping, spend holidays together and share the care of their pets. He decided to announce his divorce at my S20's birthday party. (gee, thanks for the great news

) He told us before he actually talked about it with his wife! Come to find out he has had a long-term girlfriend that none of us knew about (did H really not know about her? Hmmmm) She finally got tired of waiting for him to make a decision. Does this sound at all familiar? The very next weekend we are all going out to dinner together so we can meet her. Talk about awkward. What do you say? And H wonders why I was triggered? Can they be that clueless? Yes. H actually said, "this is what he wants to make himself happy". Script anyone? Sins of the father? Sheesh! I feel so bad for his wife.

All of this to say that even when they come back, they aren't the same person that left. Still lots of things to work on even though it's getting better. And trust isn't something that comes back easily. I don't know if it ever will. It happened once, it could happen again. The damage is done, and the scars still remain. H still doesn't own his role in this. Instead of blaming me now, he totally blames my Mom who was living with us. Nice scapegoat H.....

) I don't know if he will EVER be able to own it out loud, but I think he knows deep down. I don't think he has the courage to admit it.

Just a little self-reflection after readying WHY's posts....be careful what you wish for. The old life is gone, the new one is fragile and a work in progress. You can pick up the pieces, but they won't go back together the way they used to. I remember being so frantic for a "formula" to bring about reconciliation. What could I do? How should I act? How could I influence him to return? He did come back but not from anything I did. I think it was sheer exhaustion on his part. (or his girlfriend dumped him, I'm not sure.

) Either way, I was ready to live without him. And I was ok with that. That is where the LBS needs to go. And IF they come back? The LBS gets to decide if it's the right decision and to be prepared for the rebuilding. That's when the real work begins!

UrsaMajor · **#42:** February 24, 2023, 02:06:55 AM

I wonder about the trust issue being wrapped together with the Mid-Lifer's ability to "own their stuff." From the cheap seats (and one who does not expect to ever a) reconcile, or b) hear any kind of responsibility taken from their Mid-Lifer) I personally think that, for the the LBS (at least me), it would help me to regain trust if the Mid-Lifer were to acknowledge their responsibility for their actions and their choices. Without that, I am also not sure if I would be able to let my own guard down enough to trust someone who had done me dirty.... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Slow Fade · **#43:** February 24, 2023, 08:07:15 AM

I hear you, Ursa. I don't know that I will ever let my guard down. That was one of the issues I had to contemplate to determine if I could live with that.

So far the good is outweighing the bad most of the time. Can I live with that? At my age I think so. We are friends. We are not lovers due to his prostate surgery, but we laugh and we dream. We share our son who is the light of my life. I'm rambling, sorry.

I used to be very trusting. Not so much anymore, but at least I won't be caught unawares again which has matured me in other ways that have been beneficial. I've learned boundaries and how to say no. Valuable skills that were somewhat lacking before.

Life is a messy and wonderful adventure. No one said it was going to be easy!

FaithWalker · **#44:** May 05, 2023, 07:13:33 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your H's S41. So sad for his W. I'm sure that it was very triggering for you and that you've had some ick that you've had to work through.

Slow Fade · **#45:** May 09, 2023, 02:38:50 PM

Thank you FaithWalker. It is very hard going out with them and acting like nothing happened. I'm trying to be kind.

On that note, my husband's brother is marrying a woman from our church that he just met......third marriage for him and 4th for her.......I see a pattern in this family! I don't even have words.

UrsaMajor · **#46:** May 10, 2023, 12:48:48 AM

Quote from: Slow Fade on May 09, 2023, 02:38:50 PM

On that note, my husband's brother is marrying a woman from our church that he just met......third marriage for him and 4th for her.......I see a pattern in this family! I don't even have words.

The WTF factor knows no limits.... Maybe it is an indication of their dedication to commitment? ... or lack thereof?

Slow Fade · **#47:** May 10, 2023, 07:53:13 AM

Ursa, I'm not sure what to unpack from all of this. I know H's Mom was toxic, but I hate to lay all of the sins on her. I do know she was in counseling for a time but no one speaks about that.

Nuclear family, rather strict upbringing. But I do know that his Mom was always accusing his Father of having affairs with his secretaries. Whether that has any merit, I don't know. His Dad passed away shortly after we were married so I didn't have a chance to get to know him, but he was always kind and proper and seemed to be a doting husband. But we all know that all is not always as it seems.

Someday I may look at things a bit deeper again, but the memories it brings up are painful. Both of his parents are gone now. H doesn't remember much from his childhood, BIL is just a strange person altogether and H's oldest son from another woman (high school) carries a TON of baggage as well.

We all survive childhood somehow! I don't think anyone in this human condition is left unscathed.

MadLuv · **#48:** May 10, 2023, 08:03:52 AM

I think many live with a guilt complex. I know my XH does. It drives how he handles everything now, specially his lies. If he never leaves OW it will be due to guilt and not love. Unfortunately some of the habits they come into during this are hard to break and forever become part of their new persona. I think that is why they have to show empathy and engagement of self with communication or living with the “bad habits” that they cant fully leave behind would hamper the reconnection. IMHO

I bet that dinner was awkward. Hard to socialize with someone that represents part of your pain and also who doesn’t represent the morals and integrity that is important to you.

Slow Fade · **#49:** May 10, 2023, 08:31:38 AM

MadLuv it has been a long, strange journey for sure!

H is better and we are both different. I think we are doing ok ourselves. Just being outside and looking in at others is fascinating. (except when it involves you

)

I do think guilt plays a huge part of things. They really get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of their own making of course, but the demons in their mind can chase them into really bad places.

UrsaMajor · **#50:** May 10, 2023, 11:56:08 PM

Quote from: Slow Fade on May 10, 2023, 08:31:38 AM

I do think guilt plays a huge part of things. They really get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of their own making of course, but the demons in their mind can chase them into really bad places.

The problem here is that, until they stop running and confront/heal/work through those demons, they will be stuck in those bad places/with those bad choices.... But that is on them. ... just like an alcoholic that has to admit they need help, the MLC'er has to admit (at least to themselves) that the source of their demons is INSIDE rather than external and then to the work required to exorcise them.....

Slow Fade · **#51:** May 11, 2023, 08:03:16 AM

Very True, Ursa.

That is the frustrating part of MLC. They have to exorcise their demons and face their fears and work through it all and we can't make them or push them or shame them into it.

I can't even imagine what that would feel like and I hope I never do.

H and I were talking about retirement, and I said that I was hesitant to voice my opinions for fear that he would be unhappy and run again. (People pleaser anyone?

and yes, I'm working on those issues as well) and he said "Well, I don't think I would every do THAT again." Hmmm. I kind of gave him a raised eyebrow side eye and he just looked down.

Seekingpatience · **#52:** May 25, 2023, 09:51:13 PM

Hello Slow Fade

Long time. Attaching to read and dropping by to say it’s good to see you. 😀 and Ursa Major

Slow Fade · **#53:** May 26, 2023, 08:01:08 AM

Good to hear from you! I'm still lurking from time to time.

We are like watching grass grow at the moment.

A little older, a little grayer, a little fluffier.......

Slow Fade · **#54:** October 02, 2023, 10:58:22 AM

Still lurking!

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you that my Mom passed away on Wednesday. She was my rock through my H's MLC and supported me in every way she could. She was living with us so she was witness to all the devastation that is MLC.....She suffered with Lewy Body Dementia for the last 7 years....She was in a wonderful care facility, but it was a horrific thing to watch. She is at peace finally, possibly for the first time in her life.....And my MLC husband was wonderful throughout and is wonderful with helping with preparations for her service.....

Life is messy!

Nas · **#55:** October 02, 2023, 11:04:37 AM

I'm so sorry, SF. I'm glad to hear you have support from your H.

Treasur · **#56:** October 02, 2023, 11:29:35 AM

So sorry for your loss, SF

forthetrees · **#57:** October 02, 2023, 02:24:35 PM

I´m so glad you had her support and am sending you strength as you close that chapter.

MadLuv · **#58:** October 02, 2023, 04:28:32 PM

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I hope now that you can start remembering the good years instead of the years the ugly disease took from her and her life. So nice to hear your H was a strength for you.

xyzcf · **#59:** October 02, 2023, 11:27:31 PM

Sorry Slow Fade. The loss of a parent is a really tough thing. Prayers for you and your family.

UrsaMajor · **#60:** October 04, 2023, 03:17:17 AM

Dear SF, my heartfelt condolences for you and your family as you mourn her passing. The fact that your H is there and helping has to be a source of comfort and strength.

UM

FaithWalker · **#61:** November 03, 2023, 06:04:41 PM

So sorry for your loss SF.

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