Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4370
  • Gender: Female
My Story Love and insanity
#130: July 24, 2021, 03:28:01 PM
That is interesting. Always looking for the next thing. Maybe the thing that will be 'better'? Maybe the thing that will make him feel  'fulfilled'? Maybe not feel like why is the rest of the world happy and I'm not?

It's something I wonder myself. My xh has massive FOMO (fear of missing out) to the point he didn't know when to leave a party or he'd insert himself in someone else's plans. Like he always was on the lookout for something 'better',  no matter how good he had it.

But your H actually sounds like he just cannot face himself right now, and looking at you is a reminder of himself. He wants to not be him right now. Maybe that is all mlcers......
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#131: July 24, 2021, 03:50:35 PM
Quote
But your H actually sounds like he just cannot face himself right now, and looking at you is a reminder of himself. He wants to not be him right now. Maybe that is all mlcers......

I think your right. When he said when he looks in the mirror he doesn’t know who it is. That is heartbreaking 💔. Also, I think he has ever truly known who he was. He has pretty much love bombed and mirrored who ever he was with. I would often hear my own words repeated as his own in conversations.

I truly feel if he stays in his current job he wont be able to recover. He travels to all the states we lived when our daughter was alive and it is torture to him. Also,The higher the position the more criticism. Right now he can’t handle any criticism. His self esteem is non existent .

Just like how he is keeping busy every second of his free time. It is wearing him ragged. He told the OW he couldn’t keep driving every weekend to see her ( 5 1/2 hours each way). He couldn’t sustain it anymore. He told me that he is completely exhausted. Yet, he stayed home last weekend and he said he couldn't handle being alone. It almost killed him. She told him that she would move to his state and move in. That is pretty presumptuous of her IMO. He told her “well your girls are here” . She said “Yes, that is something to consider”.

He clearly just got divorced and is depressed and is in no way ready for a move in and the fact she asked instead of him asking makes it more clear she is looking for a free ride. IDK. Maybe that is exactly what he needs. Then reality of what it would be like to live with her day in and day out and support her fully as she would lose her job. Again, a lot for her to presume.

Offroad: fixed quote
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 24, 2021, 03:59:04 PM by OffRoad »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2859
Love and insanity
#132: July 24, 2021, 04:02:45 PM
Quote
But your H actually sounds like he just cannot face himself right now, and looking at you is a reminder of himself. He wants to not be him right now. Maybe that is all mlcers......

I think your right. When he said when he looks in the mirror he doesn’t know who it is. That is heartbreaking 💔. Also, I think he has ever truly known who he was. He has pretty much love bombed and mirrored who ever he was with. I would often hear my own words repeated as his own in conversations.

I truly feel if he stays in his current job he wont be able to recover. He travels to all the states we lived when our daughter was alive and it is torture to him. Also,The higher the position the more criticism. Right now he can’t handle any criticism. His self esteem is non existent .

Just like how he is keeping busy every second of his free time. It is wearing him ragged. He told the OW he couldn’t keep driving every weekend to see her ( 5 1/2 hours each way). He couldn’t sustain it anymore. He told me that he is completely exhausted. Yet, he stayed home last weekend and he said he couldn't handle being alone. It almost killed him. She told him that she would move to his state and move in. That is pretty presumptuous of her IMO. He told her “well your girls are here” . She said “Yes, that is something to consider”.

He clearly just got divorced and is depressed and is in no way ready for a move in and the fact she asked instead of him asking makes it more clear she is looking for a free ride. IDK. Maybe that is exactly what he needs. Then reality of what it would be like to live with her day in and day out and support her fully as she would lose her job. Again, a lot for her to presume.

It may well be that he can’t face himself and you’re a reminder of that, but I do think it is risky to view it this way. He seems to have no problem “facing you“ when he needs a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to you about more than superficial issues, an old friend, a familiar soft cushion, a person to get him a list of doctors and treat him with kid gloves.

I just want to caution that you seem to be doing a lot of supposition. You don’t know if he is depressed like he says. As you’ve seen in some of the comments to you, often times the woe is me story is not really as it seems when they are off living their other life. You don’t know if it’s torture for him to visit all of the places that you lived with your daughter. And even if all of that is true, none of it is enough to make him change until he wants to. There are example after example of these guys spending a decade or more in a life that we as their former partners would swear they couldn’t last a month in.

As for the moving in, that’s all conjecture as well. It’s very similar to the situation where my former husband was having an affair, she told him “hey, why don’t you move here“ and he did, and I thought my God, he’s moving in with this woman while he is in emotional turmoil, not even divorced yet, telling me he thinks the move is going to “put him in the ground“ and he’s moving in with three kids when he’s already said that the idea of kids gives him insane anxiety and he can’t handle children’s noise or chaos. And yet here we are years down the road and he is still there.

He’s going to do all kinds of things that he may or may not actually want to do, but you are going to drive yourself crazy watching him and wondering why he’s doing it and thinking that the person you knew for so long would never do that. Because they indeed “do that”, and then they do other things and each thing seems crazier than the next, but they still do them.

I’m not sure if I already asked you this, but do you have your own therapist? Because I do understand why your heart breaks for him, but honestly my heart breaks for you. And there does seem to be some codependence here that needs to be worked through. To hear you say that his pain of giving mouth-to-mouth to your daughter is more traumatizing than your identical experience of being in the same place at the same time doing chest compressions just shows how much more emphasis you are putting on him than yourself.

I also wonder, and I mean this question to be helpful, are you possibly focusing on his trauma and pain as a way to avoid your own? Again, I just cannot even grasp the magnitude of losing a child and I understand that you say that you’ve gone through tragedy in your past that you feel makes you more equipped to handle this, but as someone who’s gone through a lot of tragedy in my past, I can say that old tragedy doesn’t negate new tragedy. And every trauma needs to be worked through.

So just a few things for you to think about. I hope it came across helpful in some small way.

Offroad: fixed quote
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 24, 2021, 04:35:05 PM by OffRoad »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4370
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#133: July 24, 2021, 04:44:07 PM
Tornup, I can feel your empathy for your XH. What you should most be concerned with is you at this time. What is good for you and what you can handle.  He is responsible for himself now.

It's ok to have empathy. How you feel and how he feels are not necessarily the same, though. Be careful that you don't ascribe how you would feel to him. Also be careful that you keep your best interests above his. Take care of yourself for now.

Hugs.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#134: July 24, 2021, 05:24:19 PM
Thank you Off road- Nas,
My XH has been diagnosed with depression and has been in therapy and medicated. He does quit every time he leaves me. I do not think I am focusing on his pain to avoid my own. I worked through my daughters death. He has not. I am not in therapy, but have made calls to start, but so far cant seem to find one who has openings. I am going to work through my trauma bonding on him.

I agree. I think he will continue to do and say things that confuse and shock me. I do feel the last 3 weeks were my best when I had no contact and I need to get back to that. I made a huge mistake with the phone call. It always reminds me I have no idea who this person is. The utter despair, pain and crying always tugs at my heart strings and makes me feel I can’t abandon him, yet I think I know deep down I must.

I have always been a strong confidant woman and this has surely confused me to my core being. I think it is going to be a long road for him as our daughter passed in 2009. He has yet to find a way through except in unhealthy ways and even his drs doubt he wants to help himself. He likes to punish himself with pain. If I send a video of my grandson to him he says he will watch it over and over to punish himself. It brings him pain to see everyone else enjoying themselves and he can’t seem to join in. Also, some of my well care check have been when he has been in on business travel and him going to the school grounds of my daughter and wanting to kill himself . I feel I do know that the traveling is detrimental to him.

 I feel he may never work through the trauma and will be forever running. I have always been a swimmer. We are obviously in two different sports. Land and water never mix well.
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2859
Love and insanity
#135: July 24, 2021, 05:52:53 PM
The utter despair, pain and crying always tugs at my heart strings and makes me feel I can’t abandon him, yet I think I know deep down I must.


Oh TU, you’re certainly not abandoning him. You’re  honoring his choice. And you’re putting yourself first. Which means living your own life, meeting your own needs and not being pulled back in to focus on him when he made the choice to 1) betray you to ease his own pain, 2) add more stress and trauma on top of your existing grief and 3) no longer be part of an equal interdependent marital partnership.
  • Logged

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#136: July 24, 2021, 06:04:48 PM
Nas- you’re right. I also realized he is here in town this weekend . Out call took place with him driving here.  He has driven here many times in the past 8 months to see the OW. He however has not wanted to see his family.

He is in depressed selfish state that he chose. I think I do need to leave him in the hands of himself and his OW. After much thought and help from all the posts today I think I am not helping him at all. I am feeding his desire to escape.

I will leave him to live his reality.
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2859
Love and insanity
#137: July 24, 2021, 06:20:21 PM
I’m really glad that you are open to all of our comments as attempts to help. I still see a lot of self-blame in your last post. “I am not helping him,” “I am feeding his need to escape“…
Please do not take on any responsibility for any of his behavior. you are not doing anything “wrong.“ You are trying to deal with something very difficult and confusing.  Nothing you do is going to affect him - he’s an adult who is responsible for his own actions.  He’s going to do what he’s going to do no matter what. That’s why it’s best that you just focus on yourself and do what’s best for you. Your actions will not positively or negatively affect him right now, or maybe ever.

I do realize that people suffering from extreme depression act differently. If I haven’t already suggested it, the book The Depression Fallout is really helpful as well.
  • Logged

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#138: July 24, 2021, 07:17:39 PM
Nas- I am familiar with that book. You know what a while back when I learned about the OW I looked her up on FB. I was amazed at an almost 50 year old woman had such immature FB likes. How to catch a man and keep him , etc. as their relationship progressed I would periodically check her likes. ( I know horrid and unhealthy) her likes grew to engagement rings, real estate, travel. It was like a road map to her future she could now see with a man who has money.

Today I am blocked. I realize in my conversations with my XH and trying to open his eyes ( again I know my bad) that he must have told her early this morning something, because  he was delayed in leaving he would have gotten there later by 2 hours which I assume brought on a slew Of questions.

Apparently I was thrown under the bus. I feel completely betrayed by him once again. Someone I have been helping for years. He is only out for himself. What ever it takes to survive. He obviously is not telling her he asked to stay friends. Begged to stay in contact. I assume he has made me out to be something quite different to her.  What a fool I am !

He is making it very easy now to let go and move on. I am not going to be disrespected for trying to stay by him and help him. He obviously needs none of that. What a difference a few hours makes.
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 818
  • Gender: Male
Re: Love and insanity
#139: July 25, 2021, 03:41:15 AM
Today I am blocked. I realize in my conversations with my XH and trying to open his eyes ( again I know my bad) that he must have told her early this morning something, because  he was delayed in leaving he would have gotten there later by 2 hours which I assume brought on a slew Of questions.

Apparently I was thrown under the bus. I feel completely betrayed by him once again. Someone I have been helping for years. He is only out for himself. What ever it takes to survive. He obviously is not telling her he asked to stay friends. Begged to stay in contact. I assume he has made me out to be something quite different to her.  What a fool I am !

He is making it very easy now to let go and move on. I am not going to be disrespected for trying to stay by him and help him. He obviously needs none of that. What a difference a few hours makes.

I know this is very hard. I do need to ask this however. Please take a look at the three bolded parts above from what you wrote. We all know how hard this is, and I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through. You are on the other hand acknowledging what may help and then immediately disregarding it. You know it is counter productive (for you and maybe for him) to try to “open his eyes” but you do it anyway. Have you asked yourself why?

You know he is disordered, he will lie, not make sense, and essentially is unreliable.Yet you are surprised you were betrayed. So knowing the first part why were you surprised by the second? Have you asked yourself why you ignore what you know in a sense?

And the last part. Do you really want his actions and disorder to be what decides what YOU DO and how YOU make decisions? Or is it better if you firmly took charge of your own emotions, your own life and made ACTIVE decisions for yourself based on your needs? Otherwise you are still tied to the back bumper of an out of control car going off the cliff being dragged behind without any agency. That would indeed be incredibly painful.
  • Logged
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.