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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

T
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My Story Love and insanity
#90: July 15, 2021, 03:46:40 PM
Seahorse

Everything you said is spot on. I know it all, but still have these days where I just cant grasp it. I think it is just I am not being given any reprieve from his shenanigans that I just can never quite get through one shock before the next comes.

I’m exhausted by it all. They must run on pure adrenaline to be able to work and run around the US like a teenager. I feel the fog they are in carries over. I feel in a fog. I feel sometimes I have no idea how this is reality and when is a new normal coming. They found an unhealthy way to cope and we the LBS have to go through the pain in a healthy, but more painful way.

 H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

b
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Love and insanity
#91: July 15, 2021, 04:26:58 PM
Tornup....you, your xh and your family have been dealt a great blow by the loss of your daughter, and for that I am truly sorry.  My xh and I had several miscarriages, the loss of his father, and the loss of a joint business venture all within the last 5 years of our 16 year M.  It was too much for his weak emotional and mental state of being and development.  He couldn't be strong for himself,  so there was no way he could be strong for me.  He could not process those losses, so he let them grow and fester until he could no longer stand himself and that started his runaway escape.

It is not us they are trying to escape, but we they do not possess the emotional or mental fortitude to look beyond us as the problem because in their screwed up thinking, they'd be happy if only WE made them happy.  We are the closest to them, so their unhappiness must come from us.  The caveat, though, is that happiness comes from inside of us, we cannot generate it in another person.  The other person can most certainly add or detract from it with their behavior, but it has to be present to begin with inside of them.

When someone is trying to escape,  the only thing they are thinking about is how THEY are going to survive.  They cannot focus on anything else.  They escape (abandon) and avoid (lie, gaslight, manipulate) as a means of that survival mode.  The cycle repeats on and on, until the person chooses to stop it.  There is nothing anyone else can say or do because it all boils down to choices that only that person can make.  That is why you cannot take anything he says or does personally.   This is all about him and how he is choosing to live his life.  It is a shame, but it is his life to live.  We who are left behind are just collateral damage.  And, even though it is extremely difficult,  especially in the early days, we must learn to let go, see this for what it is, and live out own lives, too without them.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2021, 04:29:05 PM by beyondblessed »

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Love and insanity
#92: July 15, 2021, 04:29:49 PM
I'm so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed.
Your last sentence resonates, and you also hit it spot-on...

They do cope with it in an unhealthy way, but we deal in a healthy, growing way (albeit more painful).
Which would you choose?...  I can't imagine being as lost as our MLCers.  I'd so much rather go through the difficult course, learning and becoming a better human. 

Beyondblessed also has some great thoughts. 
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T
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Love and insanity
#93: July 15, 2021, 04:54:23 PM
BB & Seahorse
It’s funny ( not in a haha way) my xh has actually said. I’m sorry I should be stronger, You deserve better, surviving is all I am capable of now, my issues and failures ruined everything connected to me. So, seems like he does have some recognition that he is a problem within himself.

Wish when they can recognize they have an issue they would get the help they need. Apparently running is easier than facing their demons. Seems like losing those closest to them would just add to the confusion and pain.

I think with losing his daughter and father 3 months later and then in a high demand/pressure job with a lot of cristism all was to much for him. Just like you mentioned. Having this escape life is some reprieve from the pain.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and insanity
#94: July 16, 2021, 07:25:42 AM
Looking back at life and red flags I realize that my xh always had to have something to look forward to. Even 2 weeks before he left we were looking at lake homes and he told me to put a bid on. We moved every 8 years and took job opportunities in new states. He always wanted a different car every 1-2 years. I drove the same care for 15 years and I believe he had 8 cars in that time.

Right now he has 2 brand new cars. A sports car and new jeep truck. Going on vacation 2 times in the 5 months since we divorced and a planned adventure every weekend that is like a mini vaca.

Looks like he is putting OW through college now and paying for books and tuition. In the white knight mode.

All signs of looking for outside sources to bring hope and excitement. Such superficial sources to bring that, when they have left behind the family that should bring a great source of hope and love.

The hardest part of it all is the focus being all on someone who was a stranger a year ago and now they are the only person. I watch my grandson while school is out. When he comes over and I see him I feel pity for the moments my XH is missing with him.  I see and hear so many stories of men who leave and never look back.

My XH was a good father and grandfather until he wasn’t. When I asked him how he was going to repair these relationships he said “ I don't know” when I asked him who do you care about “ just the 4 of you” ( me,  d30,s28,gs6) I said not your GF he said no. She just occupies my time ( I don't believe this) one time I said why do you want to remain friends with me. He said “ I hope I can come out of this and you will be proud of me and like the person I am”

Hard to know what is manipulation and what is really self reflection on his part. All the words that don’t make sense with the behavior is exactly why I had to go NC and detach. You could understandably go insane trying to figure out the minds of these very confused and lost souls.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and insanity
#95: July 18, 2021, 04:06:59 PM
One thing I can not seem to find a similarity on others stories is multiple EA at the same time. My X was chatting in 2016 and emailing multiple women at the same time. 2 of 3 reciprocated and 1 not. The 2 reciprocated ended after a kiss. The unreciprocated he tried to kiss and she rejected. This kept the limerance with her going for 3 years.

Then in 2020 he started a new one. The one he is now dating. I feel he may have other ones he is also chatting. Am I contributing to the me too issue in not reporting him? It is starting to weigh heavy on me.

I feel he has a predator behavior happening in his escape from his depression. His first therapist when he quit told me I should commit him.

Anyone else have any similar experiance?
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#96: July 18, 2021, 04:50:27 PM
Overtime, there have been several different stories of "addictions". One MLCer had several affairs with girls in Thailand and he spent a great deal of time there (and mega money!)

Since MLC is sometimes referred to as "the mother of depression", they will continue to do whatever to try and fill the emptiness inside...running and running and doing the most bizarre things.

Best not to try and look at him so closely. Truly, I never figured out many of this things he did and continues to do but I just know that none of his actions were the way he once was.

Acceptance and move forward on your own.

Quote
His first therapist when he quit told me I should commit him.

I don't see anything "different" in him than the thousands of stories I have read over the past 10 years. They do things that are not understandable. There was a guy who wrote about his own MLC, it was called Newman's Story and reading things like that helped me greatly to get a better understanding of their crisis. It is several pages long and I cannot seem to bring it up by searching for it...perhaps another member has the link.

There are lots of references to it in the archived threads but I don't know how to unlock them.

Of course there will be "differences" in each specific story and I know I searched for a story that was the same as mine (with a happier ending of course aka he comes home and all is well)...it is more in the general things that they do and say that helps to see patterns, not in the specifics.

Keep asking though as the more you seek answers in a way it helps somehow to put some of the pieces together. However, ultimately the important pieces to put together are your own.

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« Last Edit: July 18, 2021, 04:54:29 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Love and insanity
#97: July 18, 2021, 05:26:58 PM
Xyzcf-

My X is doing this as a high executive to all women working under him. My children work for the same company. I have a high level anxiety that his predatory behavior will explode as he is playing with fire to escape his pain, but my adult children will be humiliated in return.

I luckily left the company 10 years ago. We all worked for the same. With that and decades at the company out roots are deep in many states and the humiliation of this coming to light keeps me up at night. I will try and google that story you shared.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and insanity
#98: July 18, 2021, 06:00:17 PM
I was able to find part of Newman’a Story. I am posting here to also share with others.  I am going to post the paragraphs Newman wrote just after he 'woke up'  Just to remind all of us what this crisis is all about.
—————————————————-
I left and came back many times feeling completely unsure of my life. On one such occasion I was supposed to be headed back to the Other Woman’s house after a property division talk with my wife, when I woke up. I was driving at the time and it came on me that suddenly. I wailed out loud with a loud groan that seemed to come from my stomach. Followed by questioning: What am I doing here? WTF have I done? How could I have done this to the most important person in my life? How could I have hurt her like this? And who is this woman that’s been in my bed?

Tears filled my eye sockets and I really didn’t know what they were because I hadn’t cried in 40 years. It was hard to see the road from the sports car. I drove 15 more miles in years to a dive of a motel and took a room where I could be alone and cry the rest of the night. The next morning I spent several hours writing my thoughts into a “dear jane” letter to my affair partner and thinking about life from the bottom of life. By nine the next night a thought occurred to me that I was hungry. That perhaps I could get pizza and go out to my Wife’s place with it and a bottle of wine. I found the pizza and wine and drove 25 miles out to my Wife’s place. I started to feel “chicken” as I got within a mile or two and then remembered that my wife used to put a lamp in the window whenever I traveled and only turn it off when I got home. So I decided to go around the long way to see if I could see a lamp burning. If there was a lamp, I would drop in; if not, I would keep on driving. When I crested the hill all I could see was a single light. It was from the window. I stopped sharply in the middle of the road with my chest pounding with fear and excitement. It had been a year since I last looked for the lamp in the window.

I called her from my cell and said “I’ve got pizza: I’ve got a bottle of wine”. She asked “where are you?” I said up the hill – look out the window. She pulled up the shade and I flashed my head lights. She said “well come in”. I did. I haven’t left again since and never saw the Other Woman again since that night. I wake up gradually in the mornings and my waking from MLC was that way too –gradually. I awoke in an instant, but it took several months to actually become alert.

During this time my mood cycles became seriously intense but it was different, it had changed. was no longer cycling between feeling good and depression; now I was cycling between depression and sheer panic. When I wasn’t feeling consumed by guilt and regret and remorse, I was consumed by panic in fear of saying or doing something that would cause me to lose my wife and our marriage. By being in such a state of fear I kept stumbling over my own intentions. Wanting desperately to save my marriage I was doing everything to nearly destroy it. I would lash out in utter anger and the next day be crying at her feet for forgiveness. As we continued to talk and try to work things out the guilt/panic cycle increased to almost hourly. In the end my wife tells me that I
would leave the room angry and enter it again in remorse. She never knew from moment to moment weather she would be dealing with Dr Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Our marriage restoration was often confused by periods of ambivalence. Both of us wanting to stay committed would waiver on the side of ambivalence, questioning “should I stay or should I go?” It’s easy when things are going good: not so easy when they are not. I wanted the whole thing to just be over! She needed to understand.

Men, you will not only know this you will understand this – you said things and did things that you have no recollection of. You would swear on a shoulder height stack of bibles that you didn’t say or didn’t do certain things during your midlife crisis. These things are literally not in your memory; they are gone. The best thing for you to do is to stop denying it. You did it and she has razor sharp
memory of it. She was there; you weren’t. If there is a time to get over your need to always be “right”; this is it. You may have said things yesterday that you will swear today that you didn’t say. This doesn’t mean that you have lost your mind it means that you are normal in the process of recovery. Accept it and move on. A year from now you can laugh about it.

My wife had many questions about my time away. She needed to understand in order to fill up the missing pieces of her life. Regretfully I was the only one with her answers but I did not remember. I was desperate to give her what she needed but I was desolate of the resources.


My Day of Emancipation – October 12th
And The End of My Midlife Crisis
Some days are remembered for the good things wrought in them and marked as special days on our calendars to which we give special attention to our reason for celebration. But for me, I will never forget October 12th; it marks something far greater than independence – it marks my Day of Emancipation and deliverance from the turmoil of approximately 4 O years of Midlife Crisis. It marks the beginning of my Year of Jubilee! What is Emancipation? The Encarta Dictionary calls it: An Act of freeing – the act or process of setting somebody free or freeing somebody from restrictions. It also means Being Freed – the condition or fact of being set free or freed from some restriction.

October 12, 2004 was my day of emancipation, and today I celebrate this day as though it were Christmas or New Year. Sometimes the idea of being led can seem so profound. I never immediately saw the significance of the morning a month past this day, when my wife came to me saying “yes” to renew our marriage vows. She said: “I really feel this is our new beginning.
When we renew our vows.” So what does October 12th mean to me? It was the second half of August that year, when driving away from my wife’s place to my dingy motel room after discussing our property division, that I woke-up from the cloud of MLC. I had only driven 10 miles down the road when it hit me completely unexpected. Perhaps it was the radio playing that forgotten song – Everything I Own by Bread: I don’t really know. But suddenly I woke up! A groan rose up from the deepest part of my belly and barely formed the words to say – ”what have I done? I’ve hurt her. I’ve hurt the only one I could ever truly love. I betrayed her. And who is this woman that has been in my bed? She means nothing to me! My God what have I done!” And as I moaned these words tears
began to form in my eyes and I didn’t even know what they were; I hadn’t cried in 40 years. I could barely see the road from my midlife sports car.

I drove the remaining 15 miles to my motel room with these tears swelling my eyes and trying to regain composure knowing that my stop there was to be brief as I returned to my girlfriend’s place. My heart was hanging near my belt. I called her saying that I would not be coming home to her. I thought the conversation was only a few minutes but I understand now that it was 22. I don’t know what I said; I don’t really care. But that night I stayed awake all night and all of the next day thinking about what I had done and writing a Dear Jane letter to my girlfriend. I was ending it
right then and there. I thought about Phoenix and our life… You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of You never said too much But still you showed the way And I knew from watching you Nobody else could ever know The part of me that can't let go
And... (Bread)

Beginning marriage recovery ends nothing for a man in midlife crisis. I began immediately to move from covert (hidden) depression to overt and open depression compounded by guilt and much remorse. This would cycle to the feelings of abundant joy only to find their way back again. An MLC man knows what to do when depression hits – up the self-medication! But I didn’t have that
option any longer at my disposal. When I was severely depressed, all I could think of was MJ and how I missed her. When I was overjoyed all I saw was Phoenix and how I loved her. I placed dozens of phone calls through to MJ while feeling depressed (none of which I remember to this day).

In my constant cycling I came up with what I considered the optimum solution to my dilemma – “why shouldn’t I be able to have both of these women?!!!”. Feeling the importance of this Light Bulb Moment I brought my solution to Phoenix with most earnest sincerity. I told her that I was “in love with MJ” and “why shouldn’t I have both of you…” Knowing both my sincerity and earnest, Phoenix knew that she needed to detach. Her only response was “which furniture are you going to want?” and announced that she was leaving Monday for California and was not sure she would ever return. Knowing that I had really messed up with this demand I was much more quick to realize that not only was my suggestion sincerely earnest but was also completely off the wall. I realized that I did NOT have my $h!te together and if I did not hurry up and “get it together” I was going to lose her and everything worth living for. I replied “give me two weeks” .

What I meant was “give me two weeks to get my life sorted out (believing in a small miracle happening here…). What she heard was “give me two weeks to pick between the two of you” . This misunderstanding was to cause us the most severe hurt, pain, and confusion of our lives that would span many months of personal turmoil. She detached and she left that Monday for California. She didn’t want me to drive her to the airport but had her friend drive her instead. The Two Weeks passed rather quickly as I immediately cycled back to depression. We men can only put up with about 3 days of depression before we take action. I forced that ‘sucker’
down and began self-medicating big time! I hit up all the old friends I had hung with in MLC and planned a big get-together about 600 miles away. I started consuming great amounts of Bacardi creating a fourteen-day liquor bill that is not to be believed! Unless I drank myself to sleep I just could not sleep – Bacardi became my sleeping pill. My mix was ‘grapefruit juice’ – the worst thing for a midlife man. For over a year-and-a-half straight I had only slept roughly 2 O hours per night and NOW was no exception! Sleep deprived and drunken sleep took its toll in many telephone calls to my affair partner during these two weeks – all of these just prior to passing out from too much Bacardi. I do not recall any of these calls.

In the back of my mind though was the fact that Phoenix was in California and I seemed to be out-of-sight; out-of-mind as far as she was concerned – she had detached big time! I wasn’t even too sure that I was occupying much of her headspace at all anymore. This bothered me in sober moments to the extreme! Not only had she detached, but she had seemed to have ‘gone dark’, so much so that other men were beginning to show interest in her for themselves (I coulda killed them!) I KNEW that if I didn’t ACT and do it NOW then I was about to not only be left behind but I would lose her too. But then – those were the sober moments – I would apply the solution – upping the antidotes to this depression with more selfmedication. By this time I was consuming P of a 42 ounce bottle of Bacardi every day plus several Breezers. I kicked off my day by downing the left-over’s in the glass from the night before in order to delay any hangovers.

Somehow in this cloudy darkness I found the need to go to California to get my wife. En-route though I intended to stop for a couple of days at the party event. I rang Phoenix and told her I was coming but that I would be stopping in Vancouver, BC, on the way to get together with my buds and party-it-up. I think I told her that MJ was on the party list of attendees too. Phoenix seemed surprised but welcoming of the idea so –this became my plan.

As the time neared though that I should depart, my sober moments also increased and along with these the midlife depression. But these times were good because along with them was time to think. To think about the matters I now realize are part of midlife transition, I evaluated my past choices and compared them with the present. I projected current choices upon my future. The one thing that was continually present was that I could not imagine my life without Phoenix in it,
even though my actions and words were depicting completely the opposite. I knew it would take a Quality Decision to completely cut all contact with MJ and to give the remainder of my life exclusively to my wife. But I missed MJ and it was driving me crazy mad.

This period of time between your wife and your affair partner is what we men in the Men’s Forum call “Stuck in the middle”. It is a time of extreme feelings of withdrawal. (Heroin withdrawal would be easier than this.) We fluctuate between being committed to our wives and marriage (our true character speaking) and feeling the endorphins of new-found love. We know that we compromise our selves in this ongoing relationship but somehow the feelings outweigh the alternatives. ‘Feelings” suppressed for years, now refuse to be silenced and dictate our logic – the caboose is pulling our train. I feel dearly for any man ‘stuck in the middle’. What I was to learn much later on was that what I/we was missing was not the OW in our lives at all – it was the feel-good feelings that she provided as an antidote to our depression – woe to the man who wakes to this after divorce and the time is too late! There are many and I could post their private stories if they gave me permission.

But I was ‘one bright boy’! Not only did I miss my affair partner I also filled Phoenix
 on on these feelings – whoa! Thank God she realized who was really me, and differentiated between my words and the one who cycled into the Alien.

Men, sometimes you feel trapped by these words that you speak – your profession of ‘commitment’ to your new relationship and your words to your wife. But really Bro’ – don’t be. If you realize at any time during this transition that you have just messed up or are about to mess up by holding to your word, then back up for a minute. Don’t get stuck holding to words said right now; matters are confusing and these are NOT times to make LIFE decisions. This is a time to appraise former decisions. New decisions can wait. The fact is – you have already decided years ago, now go with
that! The piper-to-pay is too huge if you decide otherwise. But DO correct the problem issues in your current marriage through counseling and other resources. While picking up my wife in California she began her series of what was to be many, many questions. A lot of which I had no answers to. I became weary of these and wanted to just say “get over it”; I resisted this temptation, but not very well. Being ‘who’ she is, my Phoenix never has asked what my affair partner looked like, the size of her breasts, her hair color, or any of the like. Instead she asked me ONE QUESTION to which the answer was required in order to save our marriage. She asked: ”how is it that you could compromise your character in order to be with MJ?”

Although she expected this answer immediately I am still seeking answers for it today. I’ve written hundreds of postings on forums in reply. I still seek the truth to that question today. So I ask you – what is it that compromises your character today that enables you to be with or flirt with being with another woman? The answer to THIS question will pull you through.

But this question was just the beginning of the end for me. I was cycling through MLC like the Madman of Gadara being torn by a legion of demons. Her detachment during my cycling drove me mad but she held firm. I did NOT want to talk about things – I wanted the entire issue over with and behind us. She, on the other hand, needed to understand. I was fighting against her need to understand with my need to get over it and get on with it. Then one day it occurred to me – if I answer her questions by talking truthfully and freely then she will get her need to understand met
and I would get my need to have it over with met! Big Light-bulb moment yet again! Sheeeeeeesh!

We started committing MANY hours every day to this process of asking/answering questions, talking freely, and communicating our feelings. But often in my cycling these conversations went awry. I seemed to be cycling between two characters – one that loved my wife and wanted her above all else, and the other that just wanted to be rid of her constant questioning. Between being happy with her and extremely irritated with her. Between being content with her and being sad with her. Between being understanding with her and being extremely angry with her. It began to seem hopeless to us both and our marriage was ending. There was nothing remaining in me that I could do. I had simply become this ‘person’ that was out of control, irritated, angry, loving, caring, and merely a caricature of the person I once knew that I was. Trying with all my might to save our marriage; I was tearing it down with my own hands. I had no ambition to even live. My cycling increased from ‘daily’ to hourly to every 20 minutes, In the end I would leave the room angry, irritated, stubborn and destructive; then turn around to enter the room in regret, remorse, and loving and caring. On October 12th I hit Rock Bottom. I could do no more. I gave up. I went into my private den and shut my door. I was empty, destitute, and without feeling.

I had set this guy aside nearly two years prior. I wanted nothing to do with Him and I did NOT want him controlling MY life.

This day though I was angry and empty. If I could hate anyone for my Nowhere life it would be the Nowhere man! I cussed at Him and swore at Him for his fault in my life. I was angry and bitter that He directed me here. And in my rage I fell face-long on the floor before him. {And this morning with  ears filling my eye sockets I can say He didn’t forget me} As I spilled my bitter angry rage before the one I thought was not listening. My tears soaked the carpet as my rage emptied out on the floor and like Jacob; I wrestled with God intent on bringing Him down.

This wasn’t about infidelity, betrayal, or about my wife – it was about Him and me. At first I might have faulted my wife for making me feel this way but not anymore – I went straight to the source. It was YOU god that made me this goddamned way and it is YOU that is at fault here!!@#$$##@! And as my rage filled the carpet with tears I poured out every hurt and deed I had done in my midlife foray until I could say no more. Then… Earth shattering silence

Then reaching for the journal I had set aside two years prior I dusted its cover. There was nothing left of me. The last words I wrote to Him in my journal were – “what about ME? When is it MY turn? From now on it was going 'to be me' - All about me. Journal in hand I saw the ripped pages of my first infidelity. I saw where I went wrong

My face again fell to the floor without compulsion, without rage, but empty, lost, alone… and to the One that made Himself Nowhere for two years my soul and heart was bared. I felt washed, clean, empty, restored. I sat back in my chair and in a moment of time I saw where He once gave me my wife as a gift. I said aloud, I don’t feel like I’ve been treating her as much of a gift right
now. Then out of – not nowhere – but, someone, I heard these words in my heart and mind – “I’ve given you to her as a gift too”. ………………………I broke. Perhaps you’ve never been broken; perhaps you have. And perhaps your ‘religion’
doesn’t help you believe in a God that is real in the here and now. But I do. I didn’t  for a while or – well, I really didn’t care. But that aside, midlife is too important to NOT have what is real – I do. And it sure aint from anything I’ve done but here it is.

This is what October 12th means to me
A new man
Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for granted?
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear
The words you long to say...
I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give ev'rything I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 350
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#99: July 21, 2021, 11:15:05 AM
Today has been 3 weeks of NC. The longest I have gone is 2 weeks. I also never replied to his Happy Birthday email. A first of no reply. I feel a lot more calm in NC, but also feel a little sadness. I can see how easily getting off the hamster wheel can make things more clear. You can start to focus more on the lies, gaslighting and manipulation. With that focus it seems a little easier to not only detach, but move on.

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to give up hope. That I know he is ill and not himself, but then I still come back to a few things. He is able to hold a high level job. He showers and goes on vacations with SOMEONE ELSE. He is perfectly capable then of getting help. It’s not my job to keep trying to persuade him to get the help he needs.

I think some sadness is in the realization that I think I can let go. Once I do it is the end of something that I still feel should not have ended, but here we are. It is not my fault. I can’t help that he didn’t do the work.

What I do know is I am amazing!! If he is so stupid to not appreciate how good he had it then that is his loss. He can not replace me. I am irreplaceable. I have re-found my self worth. My beauty! INSIDE and OUT!!  He is a lost soul that I have tried to save. He knows I did everything I could and I know he will regret it in some capacity. In his only capacity.

I no longer regret anything. I stood by a deeply flawed man while he hurt me over and over. I believed in him. His core being!! I tried to save my marriage and family. I can live with all of that. I am not embarrassed  by trying so hard. I don’t feel like a fool at all. I’m proud of my dedication and loyalty.
I’m a prize. Not all those who play a risky game get a prize. Sometimes they lose. My XH lost.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
NC- June 30, 2021
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 21, 2021, 11:42:10 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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