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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

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My Story Love and insanity
#30: June 29, 2021, 07:11:48 PM
Quote
Anyone else experience anything like this?
.

Similar situation .  When my H left home he also quit his job ( that was so shocking , to say the least). He quit everything . He went 5 hours away and worked building a new house with his brother.  He was pain next to nothing and I was very fortunate that I had a high paying job and could manage without him. He stayed up there all week and drove back on weekends ( sometimes).  And he went to OW's house who lives in same town as I do.  He never came to see me or his kids . Never saw any of his grandkids  for months.   But the curious thing is that he rarely saw the OW from what I can tell.  He lived at home for a good 6 months and I had no clue he was having an affair...he was never "missing".  So she settled for crumbs apparently and then she was thrown back in the dumpster he found her in.  Maybe it was a "text-affair" !.   It is also interesting to note he has not spoken to his brother since all this happened . No idea why . His reasons are really just BS in my opinion.  You will never make sense of the actions of a man in MLC.  My H is utterly shocked at some of the things he did.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

K
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Love and insanity
#31: June 30, 2021, 07:31:33 AM
You will never make sense of the actions of a man in MLC.

Isn't that the truth? Also, they seem to be completely unaware that they have become a complete caricature. My H acts like the things he says and does are completely revolutionary. Even stranger, his behavior is something he would have ridiculed or had trouble understanding had he witnessed someone else doing it, say, even, two short years ago. Puzzling.
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Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

T
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Love and insanity
#32: July 01, 2021, 01:36:48 PM
Well, my x has dipped again in his MLC depression. He decided that since he left me and I stated I needed distance it wasnt fair to contact me, but I am the only one he feels comfortable talking to. So instead he cut for relief. I told him although he has a new GF I understand that relationship is an escape and he doesnt talk to her on serious matters. He has told her he has struggled with depression, but has not gone futher.

 I told him that I was getting a dr list for him to choose from to go back into therapy, but that although I am trying to distance to heal and move on , that does not mean that if he is in a suicidal or cutting desperation point that he can not call. He can always call me if he gets to that point, but at some point it will be difficult for me as he did leave me and replace me with someone else.

I find it odd that he left because I wanted to talk to much and now I am the one he wants to reach out when he needs to talk. He said I am a security blanket. That is exactly how I feel. The fact that the depression is no better to me shows that leaving a 30 year relationship and divorcing was not a good choice on his part, but you cant reason woth a depressed mind
 
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
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Love and insanity
#33: July 06, 2021, 01:59:26 PM
The 30th wedding anniversary blog. I emailed this to my XH. Will it even sink in? Things that make you go, hmmmm


https://madisonhaleyarnold.blogspot.com/2021/07/family-is-everything.html?fbclid=IwAR3BfW1wtTHtHPwk1vGfUIbGYhHJsDQRHO-YhyEmmNR2YswOPwlD5s7sWqc&m=1


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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#34: July 07, 2021, 01:25:47 AM
The 30th wedding anniversary blog. I emailed this to my XH. Will it even sink in? Things that make you go, hmmmm


https://madisonhaleyarnold.blogspot.com/2021/07/family-is-everything.html?fbclid=IwAR3BfW1wtTHtHPwk1vGfUIbGYhHJsDQRHO-YhyEmmNR2YswOPwlD5s7sWqc&m=1

What did/do you hope to accomplish by sending him this? What expectations do you have?

An MLC'er is only going to see pressure and a guilt-trip here.

To be blunt, if he has a Monster streak in him, you probably want to batten down the hatches and prepare for heavy seas because this will very likely poke the Monster with a cattle prod. If he is a vanisher, <poof!>  he will really disappear...

He already knows he is a walking twatwaffle, he already has the latent guilt (whether he has compartmentalized it or not is a different story but it is there), he is engaging in "escape and avoid" behaviours, he is already trying to either deny accountability or justify his behaviour by blaming you... By basically shoving the Barbeque fork up his nose here, these behaviours will be reinforced...

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« Last Edit: July 07, 2021, 01:26:55 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Love and insanity
#35: July 07, 2021, 03:31:31 AM
Ok, Tornup, that was a mistake. (We’ve all probably done something similar  ::) )
But it’s done now so might as well use it as an opportunity to learn something useful, right?

 
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but you cant reason woth a depressed mind
So, why did you try?
Don’t worry, you can climb back up on the horse lol....but managing your own reactions usually needs us to see the gap between what we say and what we actually DO. And to understand what is useful to us and what is not. (I actually used UM’s phrase about sticking a fork up my nose as a screensaver for a few months to stop me doing just this kind of thing  :)...bc, whilst I didn’t understand WHY, I knew it was futile  ::) )

Any LBS here would read that post and agree wholeheartedly.
Bc we value the things that the writer values.
It’s a tough truth to accept that our spouses did not when they left. Bc if they did share our POV, they would have behaved differently. Right now, that is how it is. It might not have been how it was, it might not always be that way....but it is the truth of how it is now. And that is a hard pill to swallow, but it helps us invest our energies wisely when we can get to that point.

I would humbly suggest that you are a real human being, not a comfort blanket.....
And that this person is no longer your h but your xh....so your obligations are different now bc of HIS choices.
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I told him that I was getting a dr list for him to choose from to go back into therapy...
Why is this your responsibility as his XW?
Is he unable to use google bc his fingers have dropped off?
Or has he lost the ability to speak so can’t make phone calls?
Nope....thought not....
if HE reaches a point where he feels bad enough that HE decides he needs help, he’s an adult and he’ll decide to find it.....or decide to press on without it. (And again, please don’t let me make you feel bad...been there, got the T-shirt lol....but it will probably be more useful for your healing to reflect on why you are still trying to control or fix things that are beyond your control and ability to fix in the spirit of horses and water etc.....)

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although I am trying to distance to heal and move on , that does not mean that if he is in a suicidal or cutting desperation point that he can not call....
Why is this your responsibility as his XW? Or are you the kind of mental health professional that someone would need if they reached this point?
I understand the desire to be a decent human. If my xh contacted me in this kind of distress, I would be as kind and respectful as if any other human did so. Probably. Which would mean encouraging him to find the professional help he needs and calling the emergency services if I thought his life was at risk. But I am no longer his wife, not his therapist and not a comfort blanket for emergencies. Neither are you.

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at some point it will be difficult for me as he did leave me and replace me with someone else.
Yes, he did. That was his choice. Choices come with consequences in RL. Consequences are not punishment, just the law of cause and effect. If you leave and divorce your wife, one consequence is that this person is no longer your wife or on your core support team, surely? And i’d guess that your xh has been as much use as a chocolate teapot when you have needed emotional support, right?
And what IS the point when it will become sufficiently difficult for you?
Bc setting those kind of boundaries is your responsibility, my friend, not his. If you are not ok with being a comfort blanket or a kind of imaginary wife when it suits him, the only person who can decide where the new lines are is you.
But does it suit you?

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I find it odd that he left because I wanted to talk to much and now I am the one he wants to reach out to
Bc, put simply, your xh gets to have wife/xw bc it suits him to do so in a given moment...so he doesn’t need a boundary  ::)
But does it suit you?
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« Last Edit: July 07, 2021, 03:44:17 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Love and insanity
#36: July 07, 2021, 03:46:23 AM
Quote
although I am trying to distance to heal and move on , that does not mean that if he is in a suicidal or cutting desperation point that he can not call....
Why is this your responsibility as his XW? Or are you the kind of mental health professional that someone would need if they reached this point?

TornUp: UM and Treasur have said a lot of great things, please read and re-read their posts. When I saw your last post I struggled with what to post, because as they have said it just sounds like you are in a lot of pain and still trying to control the uncontrollable. You can only control your reaction and your actions.

But I wanted to underscore what Treasur said here: IF HE IS truly suicidal or cutting desperation YET he refuses to seek help for what is driving him to that point exactly what is it you think YOU can do? In addition to Treasur's great point you are also NOT the person who is trained and qualified to help someone in that state. The only thing that can be done is to get him held against his will and/or get him to a specialist to take over. So please maybe consider none of this is yours to control and maybe even if you don't hear that you have to accept you NOT the person to help.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Love and insanity
#37: July 07, 2021, 05:45:01 AM
Marvin, Ursa , Tresur-
I agree with ALL!!!!  He has stated I am his security blanket. I got the listing of doctors as a last effort to push him to help. I know I need to let go. He continues to be kind. He will answer any text or call. Will talk to me for hours when I am distressed at any day or night. That has been confusing. He financially has gone above and beyond. So, I think I am trauma bonded.

I know I need to stop letting his insanity occupy so much space in my head. I just have to let go. I don’t know why I can’t stop trying to help and make sense of it all.

My logical side wants to have closure and there really is never going to be closure. I am tormenting myself and allowing him to torment me with the small kibbles he throws out to keep me attached. I wish he was cruel. Would be leas confusing.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Nas

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Love and insanity
#38: July 07, 2021, 06:00:15 AM
I think when a lot of us started posting here, we were really trying to figure out what was going on and exploring several different avenues. I know that when I first joined this forum, I also got a book called Depression Fallout (At the time there was and immensely helpful companion website by the same name with a forum similar to this. I don’t know if it’s still in existence but at the time it was so helpful to me).

The hole we sometimes fall into is trying to figure it all out and fix it all by ourselves. We take on the responsibility of saving someone else while at the same time becoming experts in a subject that even the experts are not expert in, if that makes sense.

Reading that Depression Fallout book taught me how my husband‘s behavior had changed me also, and it also spurred me into immediately getting back to having my own therapist. And then having the multiple sources of support both in real life and online is what really helped me. The urge to continue to try to “reach” him will be strong for quite a while because you still feel like his go to person, his life partner, the person with whom he makes decisions and face his problems. Unfortunately, his decisions mean that you no longer have that role. As others have said, he’s still having it both ways and that’s not fair to you.

Posting here and learning from everyone is great, but if you haven’t already, I would strongly urge you to also seek a real life therapist. It’s just another great tool in your tool kit to help you detach, resist the urges to try to get him to see things the way you see them, and help you break the trauma bond.
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Love and insanity
#39: July 07, 2021, 06:20:51 AM
Nas- I am so ready to start therapy. Due to the timing of divorce and not getting the information “cobra” in time I had a lapse from when I was removed from XH insurance and starting mine. My insurance starts 7-15 and as soon as I get my insurance card the first thing I will do is start therapy. I understand that I am my own worst enemy.

I think I have gave him to many passes due to the death of our 14 year old daughter and followed by the sudden death of his father 3 mths later( which started his depression and MLC )I think for my children and even myself I have been trying to avoid a tragedy coming from
A tragedy, but we are there aren’t we. Not by my fault, but by his weakness and inability to do the work for himself and his family.

I need to release myself from that obligation. I think this is my week. Anniversary yesterday and Birthday tomorrow. I think using the last blog as my last contact will be a good thing to try and keep me from breaking the non contact.

It will be a new anniversary in a way. I cold turkey quit smoking in 2006 on my mothers bday and anniversary of my fathers death. Anytime I thought of picking up a cigarette I felt guilty with their attachment. My marriage and anniversary and specially the 30th was so important to me. I think making that the no contact date will some how give me back some power over the situation that I feel so powerless in.

I can only hope
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« Last Edit: July 07, 2021, 06:38:54 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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