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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

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My Story Re: Love and insanity
#50: July 07, 2021, 11:01:46 AM
RCR has an article on just that subject.

There's a lot of good stuff in her articles on depression.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_depression_blind-to-destruction.html
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

T
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Love and insanity
#51: July 07, 2021, 11:56:24 AM
Thank you Thunder- I love to absorb anything I can
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#52: July 08, 2021, 08:07:26 AM
My ex emailed, not called or texted, but emailed from his work email the below for my birthday this morning. Left his work signature on the email. Felt very cold. This is someone who considers me his security blanket for his survival while he has a GF that he doesn’t talk to about serious things so he can keep the relationship light and uncomplicated. I have never not responded, but feel I should start! Any advise?


Wishing you a happy birthday.
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#53: July 08, 2021, 08:17:31 AM
In my case I would write a simple  “thank you”. . Do what feels right for you. Happy birthday!
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« Last Edit: July 08, 2021, 08:21:36 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Love and insanity
#54: July 08, 2021, 10:21:15 AM
Hello,

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I just hope that she enjoys her day despite the mess we are all in.

You nailed this, it is her day. Make it her day. It's going to be a small affair and you can go out of your way to put all of your energy that you are wasting on the silly ex and put it on her. Step up for the one that wants you to be a part of her life and embrace your opportunity to be the real adult in the room when she needs the support.

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My best advice is Let Him Go.  Stop being an option for him.

When he divorced you, he fired you from the responsibility of being his support system. He may be depressed and he may be torn up inside, but those are his issues that he needs to resolve on his own without using you as his support system. Yes, he is using you. If he contacts you and want to dump all over you his woes and discomforts, stop him and let him know that you will talk to him about the children, the weather, sports and good movies, but his issues are no longer your issues and if he feels this way, he needs to seek guidance and support from someone else.

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This is someone who considers me his security blanket for his survival while he has a GF that he doesn’t talk to about serious things so he can keep the relationship light and uncomplicated.

So if you know this, why do you sustain it? I am going to be very transparent, I tried to be super husband during my wife's crisis and it got me nowhere, but exhausted and hurt. So, I am not speaking to you from a position of authority, but someone that has gone down the same path and fell of a cliff. The more you can let him go and focus on your own healing and why you still feel the need to be his emotional support despite everything he has done to you.

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I can’t even fathom the loss of a child.

Neither can I and between the issues of your parents divorce, the loss of your child, and his crisis, you need to face and resolve your own trauma. Your journey to recovery is more important than vain attempts to save the drowning man that is only going to pull you under as well.

Be good and kind to yourself now, get well, then make choices- standing is not sitting still,

((((Ready))))

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Love and insanity
#55: July 08, 2021, 10:33:30 AM
My ex emailed, not called or texted, but emailed from his work email the below for my birthday this morning. Left his work signature on the email. Felt very cold. This is someone who considers me his security blanket for his survival while he has a GF that he doesn’t talk to about serious things so he can keep the relationship light and uncomplicated. I have never not responded, but feel I should start! Any advise?


Wishing you a happy birthday.

First of all, happy birthday, Tornup.
I hope you spent it with people who really appreciate and value you as a human being, who want to make you feel loved and celebrated  :) if not, I hope you did something to celebrate being you anyway.

Advice? Remind yourself that he is your ex-husband. (I suspect in your head you may still think of him as your h - as Ready said most of us have stumbled along in similar shoes for a while - but facts are your friends right now) then remind yourself again bc expectations are ticklish things....
Then get the mind monkeys off your plate. Say a polite thank you, a meaningless emoji or nothing at all. Just like you would if some random acquaintance or not very well known work colleague sent you a bland HB message.
Then remind yourself again that he is your xh and a ‘cold’ email is of no significance at all compared to his other actions and betrayals that have shown clearly that he is not currently either your h or your friend....
Then go about your day.....and leave him to his....

PS in a strange way, your xh has been relatively honest that he sees you as a security blanket right now. Which means that, from his POV, he gets something he likes from contact with you. Which means that if you decide to limit or change the kind of contact you have with him bc you decide it is better for you if you do, you may well see him flail around trying to get you to dole out more contact....a few mr sadz emails, a bit of drama, some weird pop ups. We call these ‘anchor checks’ here....it is not about love or appreciation or anything about your needs....it is literally checking to see that the security blanket is still available if he wants/needs it. Might help to be forewarned about that if you decide that you do not want to be a security blanket for a troubled xh who is in reality now someone else’s boyfriend.....
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« Last Edit: July 08, 2021, 11:10:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#56: July 08, 2021, 11:45:58 AM
Hello,

Have a happy birthday and eat a big piece of cake! Enjoy and embrace the day!!!

(((((Ready))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Love and insanity
#57: July 08, 2021, 01:03:40 PM
Thank you all. Tresur- you are so right. I have decided since an earlier conversation a week ago I sent him dr lists, I said I no longer wanted to be in contact for my own healing ( unless he felt He was suicidal and of course myself or anyone would answer that call) I also sent him a bear of our daughters with a favorite poem from one of her books. Told him that he could sleep with it and I hoped it brought him comfort.

I am not going to respond to the birthday message. I will leave my dr list and bear of comfort be my last contact. He needs to help himself. He has not been a friend to me and has frankly been disrespectful to me and our marriage. This day, my birthday is my day to decide to cut the cord and move forward.

Where he goes from here will be his choice and if he is ever to re-enter my life his actions and words will need to match
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« Last Edit: July 08, 2021, 01:07:02 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#58: July 08, 2021, 01:12:23 PM
I have a great deal of admiration for you, Tornup.
None of this is easy after a long marriage and, while your xh may have been away with the fairies for a couple of years, the reality of divorce is relatively recent for you.
You may not always feel like it but you are doing remarkably well all things considered, so keep doing you  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

T
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Love and insanity
#59: July 08, 2021, 03:41:36 PM
Treasur- I read all the MLC stories and think we all should have super hero capes for weathering these Mind Blowing changes to what we thought were our life partners. It is a true testament to the strength of the partners that make it through. The trauma is real! 8 months since he left I am just starting to see that I will make it through with or without him. Looks like without!!
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H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

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