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Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

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My Story Love and insanity
#70: July 11, 2021, 06:29:36 AM
I am so glad that their relationship is still not disclosed to the public.
I'm sure that will make this wedding much easier to get through -- for everyone (except your husband).
The affair will get out -- it always does (my son's classmate's family saw H at a restaurant with ow before anyone knew.  His classmate told him (and I'm sure others in the school)).
I am fairly certain that your H will be miserable at the wedding -- his consequences.

I'm sorry that your son is awkward at work with her.  Not fair for him.
And yes, they do blow through money like crazy.  I am happy that your finances were protected well and protected early.

He is lost and in limbo.  I'm sorry.
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b
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Love and insanity
#71: July 12, 2021, 01:15:02 PM
Beyond Blessed- I am starting to see that now. The change from 4 months to 8 months has been dramatic. I am not sure what lies ahead, but I can see I will be in the ahead. For a while that was not even a vision. I would have bet a million dollars that this would not have happened to me or my marriage, but here we are. I have weathered many a storm and I will make it through. Only the strong survive. I am one of those.

Next chapter!

Good girl...you don't have to see the whole staircase to take those first steps towards your new life.  5 years ago, I was just divorced, too.  Now, I am happier than I've ever been and recently engaged to a wonderful, caring, devoted and loving man.  My point is, life goes on.  It may not be the life we first envisioned, but as long as you still have a vision and goals for yourself,  it scarcely matters what has happened in your past.
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T
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Love and insanity
#72: July 13, 2021, 04:48:30 PM
Such a strange week. Having my first Birthday and wedding anniversary (30th )as single. I had another abandoned spouse friend come into town. We went out a few weeks ago and help each other through venting. We met 2 brothers in their early 40’s and we are in our 50’s a few weeks ago. This week one of the brothers met us for drinks. I ended up having a one night stand with him. He is 15 years younger.

There is no relationship. We were friendly. After 6 years of not having a physical relationship with my x due to ED there was part that was relieved and part that am in shock that I would go there with no intention of a relationship.  Maybe I needed to detach where I felt I couldn't come back. Maybe I wanted to have someone else show interest. Maybe because he has someone and I don’t. I’m not sure, but certainly strange after being with the same man for 32 years.

It is the other womans bday a week after mine and X I believe has paid for her to enroll in school courses and bought her books. They are on a new adventure every weekend and eating out. 2nd vacation in 5 months. The amount of money he is spending seems like more  than the 30 years he spent on me .  He paid of this week 15k in CC charges. I think he pulled from his 401k. The fact I sacrificed so much for this man and someone else is getting rewarded that did nothing to help his get where he is. It’s just a very sad thing.

It is very apparent he is being the white knight and buying her affection. I am amazed that a man so low on self esteem is not feeling lower self esteem due to this. It is just a crazy train!!

Just in a very strange place. Feel I am detaching and also losing love for him and at the same time. I feel lost and wish I could just have my old life back. Yet, know it is not possible. i don't know who he is or where he is going.  Not sure what direction I am headed. Not sure what or where I want to go or do. I may be for the first time not be really in pain, but just a hollow indifference with some sadness.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2021, 04:54:28 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

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Love and insanity
#73: July 13, 2021, 09:13:05 PM
I sometimes compare the feelings I have for him sort of like an onion. There are layers and layers of feelings and indeed love still for him. How can there not be after 32 years? Over time, a layer is peeled back but it took many years and will take many years still  to uncover all that happened, all that I felt about what happened.

I disagree with beyondblessed that "it scarcely matters  what has happened in your past"..for me it matters a great deal and always will and the LBSers I know, no matter how long it has been, it still matters to them, even when they are in another relationship...it still matters.

This week is 12 years since BD and it is often a very difficult week for me. I went to visit a friend in Florida for a few days, had some beach time, some boat time and I feel better than previous years. I have a very busy week AND there has been a great amount of acceptance in the past year and a need to feel happiness and joy again.

You said "I may be for the first time not be really in pain, but just a hollow indifference with some sadness."

There is no timetable for grief. Each of us will deal with the sadness as we need to...I don't believe trying to hurry it up or deny it's existence is actually very healthy. I know that I have always been able to look back and see that I had made progress....my therapist describes it as concentric circles, even when things have happened and I feel like I have gone backwards, I never return to the original place where the darkness was so painful and so intense....these concentric circles (kind of like a slinky, the toy that walks down stairs) might allow me to regress a bit...but you don't return to the beginning. Our body's ability to heal, to be resistant is quite incredible and we learn how to deal over time.

We rebuild what has been destroyed. It is not the life I thought I would have and not the life I would choose but it is what I am living now...and really, it is in my control how I wish to live. I do not have any regrets with how I have dealt with all this, the years that were so painful are pretty well a blur now...I allowed myself to have as much time as I needed to heal.

Acknowledge what you feel for those feelings are real. As you know, you cannot change what has happened, you cannot change him. But your feelings are valid and need to be carefully taken care of so that eventually you will be stronger than you have ever been before in your life.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2021, 09:14:53 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Love and insanity
#74: July 13, 2021, 11:25:35 PM
Quote
Just in a very strange place. Feel I am detaching and also losing love for him and at the same time. I feel lost and wish I could just have my old life back. Yet, know it is not possible. i don't know who he is or where he is going.  Not sure what direction I am headed. Not sure what or where I want to go or do. I may be for the first time not be really in pain, but just a hollow indifference with some sadness.
Which all sounds tremendously normal, Tornup.
And a time to remind you that a) your actual divorce was just months ago b) thirty years is a long time in a person’s life and c) life has likely been rather difficult since your first BD in 2018.
Bc all of those facts are part of the flavour of where you are now and the kind of wounds you are healing.

Like xyz, I also experienced a surprising number of layers over time. Well, they surprised me lol. What she describes as those concentric circles was absolutely my experience as well. And yes, even if I feared I might or felt stuck, I never quite went back to where I was before each turn round a given circle  :)
It’s a strange process and I found myself in strange places too.

Grief and disbelief and uncertainty and acceptance.....as an LBS, grief is more complicated than if they a spouse had just died imho....and the grieving includes not just grieving our spouse and old life but perhaps parts of who we used to be when we had not experienced some of the things we now have and did not know what we now know. My past matters to me too. I found I couldn’t just slough it off, even if living in the day was easier....imho part of healing was working out what to do with it, and when, if that makes sense.

What I can see from how you write is that you already have ‘an observers eye’....that very healthy ability to say ‘oh hello, sorrow/anger/indifference’ and calibrate it somehow that we need to feel what we feel and move on with our day anyway. I don’t know if you had this before this life experience, but It is a gift as you move forward through some trial and error rebuilding of your next chapter. But tbh my biggest feeling is how very well you are navigating this so far based on the facts of where you are.

My only advice - and it may not apply to you at all - is that, whilst a kind of numb indifference is part of the winnowing process, there is a version of it where we just feel numb. And if we live that way for too long, it can slide into a kind of disassociation that is not so good. A place without pain but also without life energy in it. I experienced that as I slid into PTSD and it was a jolly weird place. You don’t sound even close to that, but maybe keep an eye on it just in case....a good trauma IC can help....mindful things that give you immediate joy can rebalance it too....it’s just working out your own tipping point of dark and light, life and death metaphorically.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2021, 11:27:46 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Love and insanity
#75: July 14, 2021, 05:18:20 AM
Treasur, you "summed" it up so very very well.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
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Love and insanity
#76: July 14, 2021, 05:39:26 AM
Treasur- I agree on not getting stuck in the blank space. Finally got my new insurance card and am going to contact a counselor to talk to. I want to avoid any depressional state from creeping in on me, however I think it is almost impossible to not have some level of depression with the trauma inflicted.

I am questioning my choices on the one night stand. At 59? Not something I have ever done in my life, but also dont want to risk my morals and character due to how he has left and made me feel. I have always been confident and I want to use this as just taking control and distance from him instead a brief lack of control.

It is a strange place to be single at 59 and working from home. You look at the future and try to determine how you will be able to meet your new person if there ever will be one, however with the dalliance I feel I have the ability if I want now, so maybe it indeed served a purpose.

A friend said absolutely do not feel bad. That person and your actions came about for a reason. You are moving forward and helping yourself to detach from someone that is hurting you. It is all forward motion. I feel that is true. I am self reflective enough to not go down any destructive path to no return.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2021, 05:40:57 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

N

Nas

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Love and insanity
#77: July 14, 2021, 05:50:49 AM
I am self reflective enough to not go down any destructive path to no return.

Well, there you go. It’s not like you’re out every night of the week picking up questionable men and not being safe. You had a one off with a man you’d previously met. It doesn’t sound like it’s something you would normally have done, but you’re human and you didn’t hurt anyone. I like the way that you are using it as a catalyst to see that there are options no matter what happens.

I think you sound good, TU. You sound grounded and logical and like you have a firm grasp on putting yourself first. I’m glad you’ll be able to get an IC for yourself now to continue your journey of self-awareness.
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T
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Love and insanity
#78: July 14, 2021, 06:24:39 AM
Thank you Nas,

I agree. I don’t plan on it again and he and I will remain friends. I think I needed it to move on. I was starting to feel I would never be able to let go or see myself with another. This gave me the break and freedom from that block.

I am looking forward to speaking with a professional to get some more clarity on the situation. I have just over 2 months before I will have to sit at a wedding table with my X. I am putting all my focus on ME. I have stripped myself of my own self compassion with so much focus on him at least up until 12 days ago.

These 12 days have been very self reflective and my energy has been on ME. I need to keep that going. I am ready to free up the anxiety waking moments. To sleep well again. To not feel the need to know how he is destroying his life and allowing someone to take advantage of him. I think because we sacrificed so much to build this life it is just so hard to see him not only throw it away as is as a couple but to allow a stranger to walk in and live it.

I think the craziest thing is the effort on his part to plan all these adventures and the thought process. I feel that was never done for me. In 30 years. Maybe because we had kids. Now that we can afford to do all these things he is free to do it but not with me.

What I do know is I think I was just a take charge stronger person always. He apparently needed someone that needed a father figure so he can save them and feel important.
I cant cower and not be the strong person I am just to make a man feel more manly? He has to be a man on his own. If that means picking someone weaker than I guess I may have never been the right  one. That is the craziest thing to think about now. Maybe we were never meant to be

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2021, 07:10:59 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

b
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Love and insanity
#79: July 14, 2021, 08:51:48 AM
Tornup...maybe it would have been better to advise you to keep and cherish your memories, but leave the past to itself.  You cannot change one bit of it...it's been and gone.  Live for the todays and tomorrows because anything else is futile.  And please do not let your memories keep you from moving forward and making new ones for yourself.
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