[Ready2Transform]

Yay!! So much good processing. And truth!! You are seeing clearly. It's hard, and painful, there's no lie in that. But it does get better. You're well on your way.

[OffRoad]

I no longer regret anything. I stood by a deeply flawed man while he hurt me over and over. I believed in him. His core being!! I tried to save my marriage and family. I can live with all of that. I am not embarrassed  by trying so hard. I don’t feel like a fool at all. I’m proud of my dedication and loyalty.
I’m a prize. Not all those who play a risky game get a prize. Sometimes they lose. My XH lost.

Where IS that "LIKE" button?

[beyondblessed]

Yes Tornup, my dear, YOU are the prize and no doubt,  he already has serious regret and considerable guilt for his actions.  Thing is, those are both selfish emotions that do nothing for either of you.  Now, remorse is an entirely different emotion.  Remorse expresses sorrow and acknowledges the wrongs that have been grievously committed.  There many come a time when he us truly remorseful and repenting, but only if or until that time comes, keep bulldozing your path forward.  You didn't break him, it's not within your power or your job to fix him.

[Tornup]

Ready2T, BB and OffRoad,
I feel very strong! The best part is I don’t feel I need any more answers or even the day of enlightening remorse anymore. I see all the damage done. The inexplicable pain and selfishness of the situation. He has had guilt and regret. You are absolutely right and that stopped nothing.

I am good to move forward!! I guess we will see what the future holds. I don't see a future that includes him and that is the moving on part. At least I don’t see it now. I guess with enough time and distance and some amazing revelation on his part who knows. I would never say never to anything in life, but I am thinking he may need to have a televised event telling the world what a fool he was for me to ever believe him.

Now that might get my attention! 🙂

[beyondblessed]

I am good to move forward!! I guess we will see what the future holds. I don't see a future that includes him and that is the moving on part. At least I don’t see it now. I guess with enough time and distance and some amazing revelation on his part who knows. I would never say never to anything in life, but I am thinking he may need to have a televised event telling the world what a fool he was for me to ever believe him.

Now that might get my attention! 🙂

Who knows, Tornup, maybe in a few years he will have some stunning revelation.   Do you have years to just wait around for it, even if it isn't likely?  There are some people who have been in this spot well over a decade, still holding onto their past relationship with the MLC'er.  I can't imagine letting that amount of time go by, still clinging to the notion that ONE person on this Earth is worth the angst and destruction they have already previously caused you. 

It takes time to heal from the shock of the betrayal and a ton of growth through self love, but once you get to meh....it is much easier to see the forest among the trees.

[Tornup]

Beyond Blessed-
I don’t have anymore time! I feel the bulldozer has come through and cleared the forest and I am breathing the fresh air and the open possibilities of tomorrow. I really don’t see ever going back. I didn’t think that was possible. My last post was more of a comical response of it would take the movement of mountains to take him back and moving mountians is impossible.

I don’t feel anger towards him and I do not feel sympathy anymore. What I feel is HOPE for myself. I am off for the next 2 days on vacation. I am going to lounge in my pool and relax and enjoy this one life I have and embrace the ever evolving ME! I missed ME. I forgot how much I just enjoy myself.

I dont need to worry about what tomorrow brings. I am going to live TODAY. I don’t have that empty pit of loneliness encompassing me anymore. I am not worried about will I be alone forever. If I am meant to share my life with someone new they will enter my life without me looking. I am going to work on healing me and becoming my best me again.

When someone worth sharing my life with comes around I will be the best version of me without any of the open wounds that could derail my happiness. It is like a rebirth. Don’t know how I got here from the depths of despair, but happy to be here!

[Ready2Transform]

You had me at "pool"!! 

Don’t know how I got here from the depths of despair, but happy to be here!

When you're willing to "let go" and focus on yourself, even when it feels bad, it's a miracle how life, your brain, source, God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it - will be a cooperative component to get you closer to how you really want to feel. We say it around here like it's easy to do (and we all know it isn't), but it really is the secret sauce to healing. So glad you've discovered it!

[xyzcf]

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to give up hope. That I know he is ill and not himself, but then I still come back to a few things. He is able to hold a high level job. He showers and goes on vacations with SOMEONE ELSE. He is perfectly capable then of getting help. It’s not my job to keep trying to persuade him to get the help he needs.

The one thing I know about MLC is that “getting help” is something that rarely happens. Not impossible. Many who do not know them as we did think they are fine. And many believe themselves to be fine.

You are right. It isn’t your job to try and fix him in any way.

I often compare this to the teenage years when they can be impossible and eventually as time goes by, they become something very different. They don’t need therapy to get through adolescence but the people around them, the people who love them need a great deal of patience and acceptance for them.

Life goes on, we find out our own way and grieve what once was. Remembering who they were with warm and good memories.

We do what works for each of us and we know what is best in our own situation. You have a really good idea of what you need and how you can find a good life for yourself. You are doing well.

[stillbaffled]

What I feel is HOPE for myself. I am off for the next 2 days on vacation. I am going to lounge in my pool and relax and enjoy this one life I have and embrace the ever evolving ME! I missed ME. I forgot how much I just enjoy myself.

I have played this song many, many times in the last 5 plus years! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ll1DrlZgqk

[Tornup]

Well, my story took another unexpected turn. A few weeks ago right before going NC I sent a list of Psych doctors via email to my XH and also packed up one our daughters ( passed away from cancer 2009 at 14 ) Boyd’s bears with a copy of a poem from one of her favorite books ( the poem in the corner she had written FAVE) I enclosed a small note that said. Here is one Madison’s favorite poems as you can see. Also her Boyd’s bear. Try sleeping with it. Love to you my friend. ( The poem referenced the love you give a friend is the love you get)

I never heard if he got the bear and my bday and our 30th anniversary came and went and he did email me a generic bday email, but still nothing on receiving the box. Last night
I received a message that he got the bear and that he sleeps with it and that as far as his mental health he has good days and bad days.

A phone call than took place for 4 hours. He had many mental breakdowns on the call. Total crying breakdowns. Said getting the bear was very emotional and that he ddin’t know the words to send and so he waited and then as days went by he just never got back to sending a note. I asked if it was because he was worried a conversation would take place he couldn’t handle ? He said No. it was just very emotional and every time he went to send something nothjng smit was to hard for him.   He said the last few weeks were some of his worst. Many times he thought of calling. Once when he didn’t know if he would make it through the night and other times just to talk. He states that I cross his mind often and he just wonders what I am doing.

I asked why he never followed through with the calls and he said that he left me and feels guilty needing me and feels it’s not fair to me. Since asking for the divorce which I gave him in 90 days he has always said he doesn’t see a future with us together, but he doesn’t want a future without me in it. Last night I asked if he ever thinks it was a mistake or that he ever wishes we could try and repair. He said yes. Sometimes he does. This is a first.

However I said choose. Choose me or her. He said I choose to die then. I said no. You live,  but which do you choose? He said. HER. I said why. You said you don't love her. You think she may be using you for your money. You know your kids will never accept her. Why do you choose her. He said “ because you are making me choose and that is where my head is”  I said why?    “He said I can’t explain it , but the best I can say is she lets me just be “ I said in what way?
He said “ if I am down she says Im here if you want to talk. If She gets angry I shut down and stop talking to her and she backs down. She knows I cant have sex and she doesn’t bring it up except an occasional question you still going to the doctor”  I said. This is a new relationship with no sex and with a depressed man that is manipulating what she can talk or ask and you don’t question if she is in it for the right reasons? He said YES. It crossed my mind!

This was 👁 opening!!! He isn’t with her for love or even lust. In fact when I asked if he still gets butterflies or is excited to see her he said NO I have never felt that way. He said I know I can not be by myself and I can not handle any pressure. I look in the mirror and I don’t see me anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am doing. I don't know how much longer I can hang on.

I said “so do you feel that when you are with her that she only knows this version of you, so she doesn’t question it?” He said “YES! When Im around anyone that knew me before. Even work people I feel they all notice I am not the same person. I feel like a stranger to everyone I know. I feel like a stranger to myself. It is hard for me to reach out by text even to our kids to ask them how they are. I am trying to get there. It feels awkward to be around anyone, but she never knew me from before and is accepting me  so far as is”

How sad that this version of him. The sad very depressed version is all he can handle being and that he will choose this person over his family. He still says it would not be his choice
to not stay connected and friends with me, but he understands after all he has done that it is my choice. He did say he has been calling doctors on my list to start again in therapy.

I’m again so torn between the love and sanity after coming so far. I really don't know if total detachment from someone so clearly  broken and only has one person in his life that is allowing him to stay in his detached escape while she uses him for his money is the right thing to do .  He still says he loves me, but  he can not handle the baggage basically of what he created still.

I’m confused because NOW he is stating he thinks about. Me, loves me, has thoughts of could we get back together. These are things that were not being said before. but yet he picked her. So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?

 I don’t think NO MATTER WHAT if I close the door and he has a revelation that he would ever tell me or contact me. Is that the door that should be closed?  I am back to clearly this is a man in TOTAL crisis. That I have loved for 3 decades. Do I just walk away.? 

He is calling me next week with a clearer head for us to make a decision on what our relationship will be going forward. Friendship or No friendship. I think it is all my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not having him in my life at all, but I don’t know what I should ask for to remain in contact. Do I roll the dice and tell him as long as he is in a relationship in any way with OW there is no place for me?
That may seem to be the only option and I will have to let him  make it or break it.  I need insight as I  am clearly torn between love and insanity at this moment.

H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021