Well, my story took another unexpected turn. A few weeks ago right before going NC I sent a list of Psych doctors via email to my XH and also packed up one our daughters ( passed away from cancer 2009 at 14 ) Boyd’s bears with a copy of a poem from one of her favorite books ( the poem in the corner she had written FAVE) I enclosed a small note that said. Here is one Madison’s favorite poems as you can see. Also her Boyd’s bear. Try sleeping with it. Love to you my friend. ( The poem referenced the love you give a friend is the love you get)
I never heard if he got the bear and my bday and our 30th anniversary came and went and he did email me a generic bday email, but still nothing on receiving the box. Last night
I received a message that he got the bear and that he sleeps with it and that as far as his mental health he has good days and bad days.
A phone call than took place for 4 hours. He had many mental breakdowns on the call. Total crying breakdowns. Said getting the bear was very emotional and that he ddin’t know the words to send and so he waited and then as days went by he just never got back to sending a note. I asked if it was because he was worried a conversation would take place he couldn’t handle ? He said No. it was just very emotional and every time he went to send something nothjng smit was to hard for him. He said the last few weeks were some of his worst. Many times he thought of calling. Once when he didn’t know if he would make it through the night and other times just to talk. He states that I cross his mind often and he just wonders what I am doing.
I asked why he never followed through with the calls and he said that he left me and feels guilty needing me and feels it’s not fair to me. Since asking for the divorce which I gave him in 90 days he has always said he doesn’t see a future with us together, but he doesn’t want a future without me in it. Last night I asked if he ever thinks it was a mistake or that he ever wishes we could try and repair. He said yes. Sometimes he does. This is a first.
However I said choose. Choose me or her. He said I choose to die then. I said no. You live, but which do you choose? He said. HER. I said why. You said you don't love her. You think she may be using you for your money. You know your kids will never accept her. Why do you choose her. He said “ because you are making me choose and that is where my head is” I said why? “He said I can’t explain it , but the best I can say is she lets me just be “ I said in what way?
He said “ if I am down she says Im here if you want to talk. If She gets angry I shut down and stop talking to her and she backs down. She knows I cant have sex and she doesn’t bring it up except an occasional question you still going to the doctor” I said. This is a new relationship with no sex and with a depressed man that is manipulating what she can talk or ask and you don’t question if she is in it for the right reasons? He said YES. It crossed my mind!
This was 👁 opening!!! He isn’t with her for love or even lust. In fact when I asked if he still gets butterflies or is excited to see her he said NO I have never felt that way. He said I know I can not be by myself and I can not handle any pressure. I look in the mirror and I don’t see me anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am doing. I don't know how much longer I can hang on.
I said “so do you feel that when you are with her that she only knows this version of you, so she doesn’t question it?” He said “YES! When Im around anyone that knew me before. Even work people I feel they all notice I am not the same person. I feel like a stranger to everyone I know. I feel like a stranger to myself. It is hard for me to reach out by text even to our kids to ask them how they are. I am trying to get there. It feels awkward to be around anyone, but she never knew me from before and is accepting me so far as is”
How sad that this version of him. The sad very depressed version is all he can handle being and that he will choose this person over his family. He still says it would not be his choice
to not stay connected and friends with me, but he understands after all he has done that it is my choice. He did say he has been calling doctors on my list to start again in therapy.
I’m again so torn between the love and sanity after coming so far. I really don't know if total detachment from someone so clearly broken and only has one person in his life that is allowing him to stay in his detached escape while she uses him for his money is the right thing to do . He still says he loves me, but he can not handle the baggage basically of what he created still.
I’m confused because NOW he is stating he thinks about. Me, loves me, has thoughts of could we get back together. These are things that were not being said before. but yet he picked her. So, do I let him live his journey no matter how detrimental it is to him and our family? Do I leave the door open for him to contact me? Do I say the door is closed and you made you choice?
I don’t think NO MATTER WHAT if I close the door and he has a revelation that he would ever tell me or contact me. Is that the door that should be closed? I am back to clearly this is a man in TOTAL crisis. That I have loved for 3 decades. Do I just walk away.?
He is calling me next week with a clearer head for us to make a decision on what our relationship will be going forward. Friendship or No friendship. I think it is all my decision. I honestly don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not having him in my life at all, but I don’t know what I should ask for to remain in contact. Do I roll the dice and tell him as long as he is in a relationship in any way with OW there is no place for me?
That may seem to be the only option and I will have to let him make it or break it. I need insight as I am clearly torn between love and insanity at this moment.
H-54
W-58
Married 7/6/1991
Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 deceased
Moved out for space-jan 2018
BD1-march 2018 found phone
EA ow1-49
EA-ow2 57
EA- ow3 58
Moved back-Oct 2018
BD2-October 2020
OW-46
Divorce filed-Dec 202O
Divorce final-Feb 2021
Author
Topic: 
Love and insanity