Fwiw, Tornup, I think you need to take a very deep breath. Then another one
What you are experiencing is that your emotions and your choices are still being affected by the rollercoaster of HIS emotions. It’s easy to see that from over here in the cheap seats bc we are not emotionally involved in the same way you are. What I hope you can see is the difference in your own posts....and the differentiating factor of him saying some things and then a 4 hour phone call. Which I would humbly suggest had a lot of emotion and confusion, but practically speaking, achieved no constructive change in the situation at all.
Please don’t beat yourself up; it’s a normal part of the LBS experience. Most of us remember phone calls or conversations like that. I certainly do.
We often say here that MLC trumps divorce (at least for the MLCer) and you are living proof of that bc your divorce was so quick. It just means that, divorced or not, you are still dealing with a fractured irrational and disordered person in crisis when you interact with him. And this is likely to be so for years, not months. I suspect that part of your brain has accepted that he is in MLC probably
and part of your brain is still expecting him to think and behave a bit more like the person you knew and be open to logic for example. You will need to decide for yourself what you see in front of you. And if it is MLC, it could continue this way for a very long time. And nothing you do will make any significant difference to his rollercoaster at all bc it isn’t about you or your marriage. Those are just collateral damage. Sorry.
My answer to your question? I would encourage you to release yourself from any artificial deadline. Bc tbh it is illusory. A creation of his rollercoaster and your emotional reaction creating your own rollercoaster. You don’t actually have to do or decide anything at all, Tornup. You can do nothing or simply accept, and say, that you don’t know the answer. Bc in reality nothing has really changed so you don’t need to decide on big doors right now, only how much of the dysfunction you are prepared to let in through your windows. And why. And you have nothing to work with really bc you are still dealing with a crisis rollercoaster, so it could all change in a heartbeat as others here have experienced. Which is why we say to believe nothing that they say and only half of what they do....at most lol.
Factually speaking, you are now divorced. So you might want to consider what you think are sane and sensible boundaries as an xw rather than a wife? The current information available to you is that a) your xh is in a bit of a pickle and feeling rather sorry for himself, b) that he is saying ILY type phrases while c) confirming his intention of continuing to choose to be in a relationship with someone else instead of you. For whatever reason, and for however long....these things are the current observable facts. Does that look like how someone who loves you and is capable of a healthy relationship with you behaves? What seems like a sane and sensible response, which prioritises your wellbeing and your life, to those current facts?
Hope our view from the cheap seats helps.
PS take another big breath
trust me, the sky is not falling in, nothing huge has changed and you are likely to face numerous versions of this kind of situation again with your xh bc so far he is behaving like a pretty classic clinger. Which is, sorry to say, likely less about love for you and more about some need he felt at the time....you might find it helpful to muse calmly on what your gut tells you he was trying to get from you in that four hour conversation as if you were looking at it from your own high up cheap seats. And if you want to provide it. Or not.
And of course, you are not over the shock, dear girl. Or the pain. Or the feeling of helplessness at watching someone you love take a sledgehammer to their life and yours. Or a feeling of concern or fear or responsibility. All perfectly normal feelings a few months out from a very long marriage with an imploding spouse. Even now, I remember those feelings and they are truly awful to wrestle with.
But that is why we are encouraging you to take a breath, accept all those emotions as completely normal....bc you ARE normal, not an MLCer
......AND understand that feelings are NOT facts. Bc that is the difference between reacting and responding. And we all tend to make wiser choices when we can create a bit of a breathing space to be able to do the latter. More frontal cortex, less hind brain
I was a jolly slow learner lol, so it took me about two years to notice my own red flags.....if I interacted with my then h and came away from it feeling more confused, feeling more helpless or more anxious? I’d just had an MLC conversation. And they never produced anything useful at all
and the cost to me was quite high for so little return
What are your own red flags telling you?
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Love and insanity