Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Love and insanity

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11612
  • Gender: Female
My Story Love and insanity
#140: July 25, 2021, 05:50:15 AM
Hi Tornup,

    I spent many many hours “analyzing” and talking to other LBSers about what certain actions of his might or might not mean. Searching the internet, reading books to try and get an answer to how this person I love could have changed so much.
You are being given many points of view and good information but only you know what works for you regarding your interaction with him. And sometimes, even when your head tells you one thing, you heart doesn’t always agree. You were together over 30 years. He is a tremendous part of who you were, your family, the challenges you have faced. So many electric circuits that still exist with any memory, occasion, hearing about his life or contact that you have.
   Each of us progress at our own rate and in our own time. And as you go through your own journey, things will change from one day to the next. Setting boundaries that are too rigid might make you feel bad if you have an occasion where you don’t follow your own set boundary, causing you to feel worse than you already do.
My therapist suggested to me that I could choose from one time to the next if I wanted contact with him or not and that this could change from one time to another. She gave me permission in a way and allowed me to then feel like I had control of my own life, without ever shutting him off.
   I also learned how to deal with my own feelings and reached a comfort level where contact with him did not throw me the way it once did. This was also my choice for I feel that his crisis is something that he did not have any choice in avoiding. Many people disagree with me and that is what is good about a forum such as this for there are many many views about why this happened and why they do the things that they do.
   Take all the advice given to you and decide what feels right for you. I have found that in life, when I quiet my mind and listen to my inner self, even when sometimes it doesn’t make sense, if I follow what my inner self is telling me, there are no regrets to how I proceed.
You can heal and be whole again, and find joy and happiness again. Your first BD was only 3 years ago and that is not very long in MLC years. Along the way, he will do more things that will upset you but as you learn how to change how you see what he is doing, you will be less affected by what he is doing.
   His desire to “talk” to you about all that is going wrong in his life is something that you may feel you would like to decrease in that you cannot be sure what he is saying today is what he will be thinking tomorrow and it’s hard not to get drawn in to his dialogue and his confusion.
I guess I am saying there is no need to make it a totally black or white rule with regards to interaction with him. You care deeply about him and his mental well being and so it is difficult to separate your own needs from things he does that may cause you pain. Eventually you will figure out what is tolerable and what is not.
   Trust your inner voice Tornup. It will guide you to do what is right in your own situation.



  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 05:52:56 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#141: July 25, 2021, 05:57:22 AM
Marvin-
 I am open to any and all suggestions on how to move forward, but at this point what I feel is that my XH is in a relationship with a subordinate in a company I was in upper management for decades, he is an executive and my kids all are in management. He could be termed for this.
The fact this immature 50 year old woman now has most likely details of our personal lives is disturbing. It is disturbing that she has even a small glimpse into his mental instability.

It does not slip my mind that I am the one that is appearing unhinged even by my last post. I am to some point. I don't like this person involved with my personal life. She is a moment that will pass or a event that can destroy. I know I cant stop it, but the fall will effect my children and all of us. We are a huge fixture in this business and the fallout if it comes out or if he comes to and tries to exit and she retaliates has me shook to the core. 
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 06:01:03 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#142: July 25, 2021, 06:14:30 AM
Xyzcf- thank you. That was really good information. I have thought long and hard. I think my best course of action is to advise him my concerns on this woman knowing intimate details and the fallout if the relationship ends. Our last conversation he said that the relationship with her he felt was just something that will run its course until it ends. He also stated that he cant be alone in his thoughts and he is in this so it is just easier to stay in it as he already started it and she is allowing him to be in whatever state of mind he wants to be. Of course she is. He is a great meal ticket.

That is a lot to risk for all of us. I will answer a call if he extends it and I will listen. I feel I can not share anything with him personally anymore as I do not want anything I said reaching her. He does use whatever is needed for sympathy and I think he is using his mental illness to keep her at bay and also to manipulate her to put up with instability . Much like he does to me. 

When he had the unreciprocated EA I found some messages that he made up stories to gain her sympathy. Stories that were tied into our daughters death. When he got really desperate with me towards the end and was trying to deny the OW he also told me stories of meeting up with  parents of children who had died to help him move through his pain. Never happened. He was on a date. I knew then how desperate he was that he thought if he tied a story into our daughters death that I would have to believe that?? Right??

He is very sick and I just want to protect myself and my children from humiliation and there is very little I can do, but control what I release to him. The fact we all have worked for this business our whole lives complicates the situation. Everyone knows all of us. I left the company, but I am still well known. This would be a huge issue if it came out. The fact he knows he could lose his job and this could humiliate the kids is hard to fathom why he cant get out, but I have to find away to lesson the blow of what may happen.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 07:01:32 AM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

m
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 819
  • Gender: Male
Re: Love and insanity
#143: July 25, 2021, 07:08:41 AM
It does not slip my mind that I am the one that is appearing unhinged even by my last post. I am to some point.

Sorry if it came across as I was implying anything like this. I am not. You are completely and validly upset with what is going on. Your reactions and feelings are very much a result of the insanity of your H. I was more trying to say in order to get yourself into a better spot, and to not be thrown around and further hurt try to examine the motives and thoughts you have. In no way am I saying you are not in the right here fwiw.
  • Logged
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 742
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#144: July 25, 2021, 07:23:22 AM
Hi Tornup, 

I wanted to pop in here with my 2 cents because I see something very similar to your story.  My H and I and his brother all started our business together, we all worked hard at different aspects.  We grew it very large and many employees knew us personally.  We were like family to many.  MLC changed all of it.  My H had an affair with an employee in in different state.  My BIl left the company 3 years ago with lots of anger and I started to get out of my duties and started to think of what life was going to look like on my own. 

I was humiliated with my H’s behavior.  He turned from company “dad” to company “creepy uncle”. A potential sexual harassment  lawsuit was filed to make my humiliation deeper.  I would fret over how people viewed me and our family.  I started to realize that I had no control over anyone’s perceptions of me because of my H’s actions.  I started to learn to hold my head high and separate myself from what he was doing.  Employees would try to talk to me about him and I would have them go talk to him.  He ruined so many relationships, it was very sad to watch. 

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, you can’t step in and cover up what he is doing.  He needs to deal with the fallout on his own.  Protect your finances and your children, but other than that you have no control over what people think of him or you.  I learned that we were very co dependent in this aspect.

Hold your head high.  Know that it’s him doing damage to himself.  We are 5 years in and my H is just now starting to repair the damage he caused.  Some of our employees still talk I’m sure, I just don’t care.  I know the real story.  Let go and let him fall.  He needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. 

On a foot note.  My BIl and family came over for dinner last night.  They are moving to  a new town today.  We were all giving hugs and my H and BIL hugged for a long time and both started to break down crying.  It was a moment of true forgiveness between them that I had nothing to do with.

You can only control yourself, the rest is expended energy.  I know it’s hard and shocking to see the person who was respected by so many fall.  He needs to fall on his own so he can figure out how to get back up on his own. 

Hugs to you as you go forward on a journey you never asked for. 

Roo
  • Logged
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#145: July 25, 2021, 07:37:29 AM
Marvin & Roo-

 I appreciate all your input and advise truly. I am really at my wits end trying to determine the best way to handle. Since he moved to our condo in another state when we divorced I do not see him. He is here in town where OW is this weekend. I have asked if we could meet up. Maybe we can come to some decisions with boundaries. Maybe he will ignore my request as he I am sure is mentally drained and exhausted.

 I just need off the crazy train and I need to let him know where I stand and the view from my seat. Will it make a difference? Who knows. What I do know is he does respect my opinion and he often says that he cant see the damage he is doing until after. He says “Why cant I see it before??” He says when I point things out or give him pause to think he says everything I say is what he needs to hear and he is able to reflect on it.

I just don’t ever know what is the right thing to do, but at this point I am concerned for myself and my kids. Financially the only concern is if he is fired That would also affect my alimony. So, there is anxiety in that. His actions still have a financial and emotional affect on me and I have to figure out how I can minimize it  to the best of my ability even though I have no control over what he does or how he handles his life.

  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11402
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#146: July 25, 2021, 09:18:06 AM
I’m with the others here, Tornup.
Nothing wrong with you except trying to squeeze your head into someone else’s reality which is not yours.

I honestly think that the biggest battle we LBS have is to wrestle with our own head. To decide for ourselves what is solid safe ground for us and what is not, what we believe and what the observable facts are, what we can control and jhow to manage our fears about what we cannot.

You are obviously a smart, strong, confident woman and it is a bit of a mindf**k to no longer feel that way in this situation. Was to me too  ::) But it does mean you have skills and tools in your toolbox which you can dust off and use which is a good thing.

Imho these MLC situations are like a puzzle when the answer is not at all what we think it is. The answer is green or 42 or Fish.....the kind of answer that is hard to get to rationally from where we are. But once you get it, things become easier. But en route we have to winnow out some of the old answers that part of our brains think make sense bc they did before.


Quote
I have asked if we could meet up. Maybe we can come to some decisions with boundaries. Maybe he will ignore my request as he I am sure is mentally drained and exhausted.

 I just need off the crazy train and I need to let him know where I stand and the view from my seat. Will it make a difference? Who knows. What I do know is he does respect my opinion and he often says that he cant see the damage he is doing until after. He says “Why cant I see it before??” He says when I point things out or give him pause to think he says everything I say is what he needs to hear and he is able to reflect on it.

If I look at this bit of your post, I can see some possible errors in your thinking, like a computer glitch.

You still believe that there is a functioning We....and that asking your xh for input about what you should do will be useful.
You still believe that you know how he feels and that these feelings are relevant to your choices
You still believe that his understanding the effect or risk or your opinion of his actions will alter his behaviour in the way you want.
You still equate what he says with rational expectations about what he will do.

All of these beliefs are unlikely - currently - to be true.
The observable facts of your situation suggest that. What we know about MLC suggests that.
I have no wish to be unkind.....but my suspicion is that you are at heart someone who likes rationality....which of course is why this current situation is so very confusing.
Bc there is none. Or not one that you yet ‘get’, although the very fact that you are wrestling out loud here suggests you will if you choose to. Which is why we are showing up like spare brain ‘hard drives’ while you work it out lol.

If you believe your h is in fact in MLC....depression + insecure sense of self + dysfunctional coping mechanisms...

You still believe that there is a functioning We....and that asking your xh for input about what you should do will be useful. There is no We now. And your xh is only capable of seeing Me. And his Me moves around from moment to moment depending on how he feels. And he will lie and manipulate the truth to feel better or avoid feeling worse. All of which means his words are useless. And his input is unreliable and self serving. There is currently an ocean between his view of the world and yours. He can’t/won’t move towards yours, so any shared conversation will be about him trying to move you towards his. And I would humbly suggest that this is not where you want to go...and tbh YOUR boundaries are not HIS responsibility to create. He can accept them, ignore them, challenge them, try to squeeze round them.....but it makes no sense at all to try to create We boundaries when there is no We and what you need are Me boundaries....and with a calm eye, I suspect you will see that he is pretty good at creating Me boundaries for himself when he wants to without any kind of negotiation with you bc that is what MLCers do. They are remarkably self-centred in a way that we don’t encounter much in normal life lol.

You still believe that you know how he feels and that these feelings are relevant to your choices. His feelings move around all the time and are turned up to 11. For him, feelings in the moment are facts. And actually, if you really knew how he felt entirely, none of this situation would confuse or surprise you. And his feelings are about Him, not you or your kids or anyone else. Other humans have become objects in his own play, there for what they do for him or make him feel as opposed to being people in their own right worthy of some equal respect. Or he would not be doing what he is doing. Both of these things make him an unreliable source of useful input for you. And why rationally would you expect the person who has created the problem to be involved in telling you what YOU should do to navigate your bit of it? Do you think he is a wise source of advice for anyone right now?.

You still believe that his understanding the effect or risk or your opinion of his actions will alter his behaviour in the way you want. There is an author called George Simons who has a great phrase about dealing with disordered folks, ‘it’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree’. (Or don’t care enough about what you care about). I don’t think I have seen a single story here when an LBS has been able to reason anyone out of a crisis. Not one. More often, we have been shocked and shocked again by the things they do, the entirely predictable consequences that seem to come as some kind of big surprise to them. Or that they blame us or someone else for. For that to ever change, someone needs to figure that cause and effect link out for themselves. Some do, some don’t....but your rational words are a waste of breath to a person in MLC. And again, if he really respected your rational opinion, he would not be doing what he is doing. He may have in the past....he may even say he does now....but his words and actions do not line up, do they? Bc actually, right now, whatever he is getting from doing what he is doing makes a kind of sense to him.....but not to you. He may like being able to access you as a source of support or reassurance.....but he does not respect your opinion. Or care about your needs. And you can’t control his head only your own.

You still equate what he says with rational expectations about what he will do. You have plenty of evidence to suggest that his words do not stack up with his actions. The only way to change that which you can control is to stop expecting that they will. Or in a way that you will understand. That may not always be so, but it is how it is right now. And every time you have an expectation which is disappointed, you will feel hurt, confused or angry. None of which helps you much usually. It might be helpful every time you think we’ll, he is doing x bc he thinks or feels y to try replacing it with I don’t know....to get really tough with yourself on what are facts and what are assumptions or inferences. So, for instance, you know that he did not prevent the divorce. That you are divorced. That there is at least one ow that you know about. And that he is living elsewhere. These are facts. But how he feels, why he is with ow, the nature of the relationship, his mental health, whether he was intentionally disrespecting you when he did x or y etc etc.....all assumptions or inferences. But getting Real about observable facts will help you, Tornup....if nothing else, it will restore your sense of sanity  :)

I hope unpicking this a bit is helpful.
I can see so clearly....probably bc I spent a goodly time where you are right now....that your current beliefs are quite possibly fundamentally flawed. And that this is not serving you. But that you have the mental robustness to adapt them to fit this new not so normal normal.

If you need off the crazy train, and you are genuinely ready to climb off it, then do so.
And the way off is to exclude your xh’s thoughts and feelings and behaviour as relevant information for YOU right now in determining the best way for YOU to move forward from here.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 09:21:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#147: July 25, 2021, 09:59:35 AM
Treasur- amazing advise and I will take it. I think I need time and distance to stop considering where his thoughts and actions are at. I went 3 weeks NC and that served me well. One conversation and I get all jumbled. I guess I just need to step out of the sandbox and quit trying to dig for shells that aren’t there.

 Our castle fell apart and maybe I am still trying to put it back together. There is a moat around it and I just keep falling into it. I don’t know if I need to drown for it to end or what my issue is.

I guess I will throw myself into work, health and fitness and try to continue to transform myself back to the strong woman I was. We only have this one life. I cant save his at this point. I can save mine. That is what I have to do. I KNOW IT!!! I just have to DO IT!!!

I know I am further along than I was and Although these set backs give me anxiety surprisingly they don't make me sad. Now they make me MAD! I think that I can use to my advantage. Sad made me feel bad for him. Mad makes me feel empathy for me.

Thank you for that detailed feedback. It is truly amazing!!!
  • Logged
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11402
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#148: July 25, 2021, 11:13:10 AM
Ah dear girl xxx
Yes, you are further along your own recovery path than these last few days felt. It’s a blip not a destination, I have no doubt of that.

Baby steps are fine, you know.
When in doubt, focus on whatever you do that leaves you feeling more centred in the moment and calmer at the time. For me, it is usually fresh air and muddy fingers  :)

I’ve been thinking about what I posted (while making a chocolate ganache cake for my uncles birthday tomorrow  :) ) Worried that I had been a bit too blunt or a bit too skewed by my own filters from a few years out.
We all learn as we go, Tornup. Every single LBS here. And we learn through trial and error, sure enough, but we never slide all the way back...it’s more like a slow upwards spiral with a few lurching blips down and up again imho.

I don’t believe I still have PTSD. But I get PTSD blips when I get triggered and freeze in just the same way. Not all the time, but now and then. But I am not in the same place on the spiral I was....I can look at it more objectively, I know what’s happening, I know what I need to do and I know that I have done it successfully before. So it never lasts as long or goes as deep....Bc I learned as I went. That’s the spiral in action. You never end up in exactly the same place as you started.

One of the very confusing things about this thing we call MLC is that it affects both us and our marriages so much. In a life-altering way usually.
Yet it isn’t actually about either of those two things. Effects rather than causes. (Which is why your xh is not magically fixed now he has the divorce he said he wanted  ::) )
Takes us a while to sort through the mess to see things a bit more clearly, that’s all. (Probably takes them longer bc their overriding impulse is to run rather than look it in the eye, whereas most LBS eventually realise that’s the only sane way out  :) )

The reality too is that there are few reconciliations...not none but few.
Bc an MLCer has two separate tasks if they were to get there.
First, to repair their own broken pieces and become a functional decent kind of adult human who holds themselves responsible for their own behaviour again (assuming they were one before lol). Big job including some stuff packed away for years probably.
Second, to show up willing to do a lot of work to try to repair the family relationships they broke or walked away from. Additional big job that didn’t exist before MLC and largely created by them.
Some may never do either.
Some may eventually do the first but not the second.
A pretty small number may eventually try to do both. (And of course some LBS will reach a point when the damage is too much or the years too long bc life moves forward in all kinds of ways)
Looking at how big both jobs are that kind of makes sense to me tbh.

It’s important I think for we LBS to accept that the likelihood of effective reconciliation is very low.
And to not conflate an MLC spouse ‘getting better’ with a relationship being restored as an automatic next step.
They are separate things.

So tbh, practically speaking, the win win is to rebuild a good life that largely excludes your ex/spouse. Or has nothing important n it contingent on what they do as a minimum I guess. Hence, the gradual process of detachment. If they don’t recover, you still have a good life. If they recover but don’t want to repair the relationship with you, you still have a good life. If they do both, you have a good life as a foundation to build something on together perhaps.

At this stage though as an LBS, you’re in a kind of triage and stabilisation process for the first year or two usually. Stop your own bleeding and clear your airways, protect yourself from new injuries where you can, prioritise what needs care and a bit of time to heal the essentials. A good IC will help with this, ideally someone who understands trauma imho. Then I think we go into a kind of LBS physio process  :) and you might find a coach or a buddy or a different kind of IC will help at this stage. How you feel is normal. Your challenges are normal. We all wish it were possible....but in RL you can’t jump from ICU to running a marathon even if you want to or think you should  :)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 11:27:25 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

T
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 515
  • Gender: Female
Love and insanity
#149: July 25, 2021, 11:46:45 AM


Funny thing is he said he didn’t want the divorce. He just didn’t see surviving unless he left. He also just said he was just trying survive. Now he has it and is worse than he was before and sinking further down the rabbit hole and losing himself, but your right. You can’t reason with them or make then see the destruction. Can’t believe anything they say. They have to work it out themselves and honestly I am starting to think he doesn’t have the strength to do it.

I also agree building a NEW life for myself. Actually have no other choice. I do realize the times I am NC it is a lot leas chaotic for me. I need to just start embracing my time and new evolution. This is where my life ended and I have to give up the need to control the uncontrollable.

The hardest thing about this all for me is having such a good life and then losing my daughter and now my H due to tragedy. The loss of control of your own life is soooo difficult. But that life is gone.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 12:00:29 PM by Tornup »
H-54 W-58  M 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14 (dies 2009)
2013- moments of disconnect start
Aug 2016 promotion requires travel   
Oct 2017-total disconnect
Jan 2018- moved out H
Mar 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, (EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated)
Sept ‘18 -2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2 does not return home from B trip
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state OW4
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Oct 2021- XH moves in OW4
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.