[5hilmerton]

Never thought i would get to 150 posts but i did so here is the start of my new thread. 

And link to the old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11500 - UM

H is 73 going through an Elder Crisis. Married 40 years at BD 5/2019 H left on vacation to see his family 12/19.  We are still married no talk of divorce to date H still on vacation. H is an infrequent contactor maybe once a month when he needs something. H is in REPLAY  high energy living the life.  Minimal contact with our adult children. My S32 refuses to let go and will contact H once a week. Our oldest D39 loves her Dad but is extremely angry with him and will not try to communicate with him. She does initiate weekly "kid chat" making sure they are talking about our family dynamics. Our middle D33 is seriously in the middle she is very hurt with it all but still maintains contact as much as allowed within her emotionally and H. She respects both of her siblings feelings and comments and works to keep everyone in a more calm and logical place.

I am recovering from a dual spinal nerve block so i have too much time do nothing but read laying flat. I find this most inconvenient when i really just want to be outside.  Going to try some small inquisitive walks today.  Tomorrow i go to the hand surgeon for my two follow up on my fingers that fought with the lawn mower blades.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching....

[Kimber]

Jees, 73 and going through this. My MLCer is an infrequent contacter as well.

I am finding that boredom is getting to be an issue with me so I can understand being laid up would be problematic.

If this is anything, it is a lesson in patience.

[5hilmerton]

Kimber
I am pretty patient i just love being outside and staying busy keeps me from over thinking. Yea who would have known that the man i married when i was 17, who treated me like the most important woman in the world, would suddenly become an Alien.

My solace in all of this is we had 40 amazing years raising 3 of most incredible children. Words that keep me going from my D: 
"It’s just all around hard and doesn’t make sense.
You might not have dad here but you’ll always have what you and dad created and that’s this family."

[5hilmerton]

So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

Last night i dreamt about H cuddling in bed with someone else and my family and i were there present for some reason.  We had the opportunity to let her know that i was his wife of 40 years and they were his children. She was faceless as i have never seen an OW.  Just thought it was odd that my thoughts after Kenda's FB live triggered this dream.

[barbiedoll]

they seldom return

Hello 5Hilmerton...just reading along.  Hope you are feeling better very soon.  It is interesting that it has been frequently stated that they often never return. I wonder what it is that makes some return home and others never look back.  My H told me directly ( more than once) that the marriage was over, he had been trying to leave for years and that he would NEVER come back.  He said that once he finally "got out" nothing would ever make him come back . He meant it , as shocking as it was .  Its a blur, I cannot remember if I believed him or not . I think I was in shock-fog.  And he left.

Out of the absolute blue he came to my workplace 3 1/2 months later and was desperate to come home, be forgiven and "fix what he broke".   Why?.  I had 90% no contact with him so wanting to come home was as shocking as wanting to leave.  I have asked him why he came back at all.   His reasons ( to me) are shallow and meaningless in comparison to the tragedy he created for so many. He said he realized he made a huge mistake, that he never really truly wanted to leave (?), that it was all a fantasy (hmmm... a fantasy about having another women? Freedom?) . He swears he had a "mental breakdown" and should have been hospitalized.  He realized how much he loved me apparently .  As I said, no reason changed anything inside of me.

But what I will say is this. Coming back as a man who abandoned his family and his job as protector , head of his family and leader  is hard.  And that everyone knows he was with another women , is the hardest most shame filled thing to face . I believe facing 5 daughters and their tears took super human determination to right your wrongs. I am not sure I could ever ever do that.  I belive many of these men "want" to return but fear, shame, ego and failure keeps them running.  Imagine trying to clean up such a deep tragic mistake?  I can tell you, it is the hardest if not near impossible thing to fix....it can never truly be fixed.  What was shocking was clearly my husband had zero " forethought".  Absolutely no insight into what the future will hold if he leaves, has an affair and destroys his family. He never thought about the future whatsoever.  If I do A and B then C will be the consequences is NOT functioning ...everything he did was thru some deep emotional desperation . I KNOW with certaintity that he profoundly  "shocked" himself when he became " that man" ...he became his father. The last thing he ever would aspire to.  He has never waivered in his absolute determination to fix his family...against the most extreme odds.  What they do is so shocking , so saturated in shame as a man and father that few can turn around , face it and try to put it back together.  Even to face their children is too hard for some...many it appears.  I belive this.  It would be interesting to know why some can face their mess and others cannot.  I am not sure I could . It has been devastating for everyone that ever loved him .

[xyzcf]

So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

There is always hope. The fine dance we have is to build a life without them and not be "waiting" for the day when they return.

The idea of how many return has been debated many times here and really there is no way of calculating the percentage that return or really any "similarities" in those that do return. Too many variables.

Since I joined HS in May 2010, returns are few and far between.

I had hope because I truly saw us as a couple who had never had any serious problems in our marriage. It was and still is incomprehensible that one day he just told me I had to go. I had hope because he remained in contact and many other things that just never added up.

I have hope still that "nothing is impossible for God".

The fact that is was not just me that he drew away from, but also our daughter allowed me to understand that this was not a marriage issue.

I have hope because of the love I have for him. It has never gone away although I do realize it is love for the man he once was...not this person..yet even this person is still entitled to love, even as he rejects it.

Each of us were in different marriages, each of us have different values and beliefs and so no one should tell us ever that we cannot have hope or that we must "move on" because "they seldom return". Only we can decide for ourselves what and why we continue to have hope and be open to their return.

[Kimber]

Bookmarking your post, BD. So well put.

[billyluke]

Beautiful .. interesting posts.
They have no forethought.
I wonder if women.. who leave.. feel the same? Does a feeling of guilt, shame.. maybe a feeling that it will be the same as before.. does that keep them from trying again?

i love this quote.."no man ever steps in the same river twice. It's not the same river and he's not the same man."

[marvin4242]

Each of us were in different marriages, each of us have different values and beliefs and so no one should tell us ever that we cannot have hope or that we must "move on" because "they seldom return". Only we can decide for ourselves what and why we continue to have hope and be open to their return.

This is true, but the counter question is when does "hope" become a trap? When does telling others "there is always hope" becomes enabling delusions? I am not saying this the case, but I strongly believe in order to survive and thrive we MUST live in reality as it is, not as we WANT it to be.

I believe hope has to have very different meaning in year one, in year two, in year three etc etc. I respect everyone who chooses to stand for religious or personal reasons. But standing can not be the same as self destruction or martyrdom. We can not waive away this truth: if our spouse is going through what we say is "MLC" (because sometimes I think that is not the case) then they have going through a major psychological event. There is no "path," there is no "formula," it's not a recipe. They are not "baking" and every small "rest" is not healing.

The truth is to imply its just a matter of waiting it out is a major disservice. Hope has to start with a firm understanding of what is being faced, an understanding of the odds and the reality of the fact that our loved ones have fractured. Question is WHETHER they will ever find a footing to recover and if so WHEN. In my opinion it is something that needs to be constantly reevaluated. The answer can't be the same as we go through our own process. In my opinion the early "days" should be different than as time goes on.

[5hilmerton]

Different perspectives certainly gives a lot to ponder.

barbiedoll i can only imagine there is not a lot of forethought given but if they are truly cycling into their youth i guess i might understand.  When i was a very young girl i decided to run away.  I put in a paper bag my favorite earrings a can of tuna (no can opener or bread) some candy and dropped the bag outside of my window.  Later on i decided not to go, as an adult i often wonder what i was thinking. It must really be tough to right a terrible wrong and you are correct somethings might not be fixable.

xyzcf
i too believe there is always hope for me it's with GOD. I have loved and married my H since i was 17.  I will never give up on him and although i miss my best friend and the love of my life i will not put my life on hold waiting for him.  With that said i can have a fulfilling life without adding another man into the equation.  I have raised my family and now watch my grand children step into another generation. As i tell my two dear friends, you can say what you want but i will always make my own decisions.

billyluke
we may never know what either male or female in crisis think or feel.

marvin4242
Only IMHO and for me i guess "hope" becomes a trap if we allow it.  For me i do live my reality that my H just up and left.  I just do not see the need to share my reality with more than the critical few.  So about 8 people in my life.  Although i am not there yet, while my H is still gone and if no positive progression when i feel it is time i would probably reevaluate my stance. Lastly it makes sense that in the beginning the days are different as time goes on.  We are different and depending on our loved one in crisis we are more prepared to hold on or let go.

[5hilmerton]

Funny i came to the forum today because i have no sparks in my plugs.  It's been raining non stop and today it will only be cloudy.  I am a weather watcher because of the heat and rain and  my love of being outside.  Before i started to write this post i read a couple of posts from others on the forum.  I guess it fueled my engine and reminded me that no matter what i am truly blessed!!! Y'all have a truly blessed day.

[5hilmerton]

I believe i had a personal milestone yesterday. H called i saw his name come up on my phone and i answered the call.  BD 5/19 and last live conversation was 7/19. We communicate via text  on occasion he calls and leaves a voicemail but i choose to respond with a text. I will say at some point i just had a bit of angst and warm flushing and my shoulders tightening up.  But after he started to chat i soon relaxed.  He was full of chat telling me about the weather and how it was raining and he had gotten wet when he went out to purchase some fruit.  He told me about a conversation he had with the lady selling the fruit. He talked about his car ride leaving the market. He was not rambling and it all made sense and i heard my H for the first time since he left.

I was surprisingly calm and just listened. I  told him it was raining here too but pretty much just let him talk. Maybe i did not trust myself or him to say much more. But the thing i was most proud of was my ability to actually answer the phone and not let the communication rattle me.  H was pleasant and almost engaging.  I noticed that he actually gave some thought to some things he was saying. After our call ended H followed up with a couple of texts, tell everyone i said hello, etc.  I sat for 15 mins. thinking about it all and then got up and went back to doing what i was doing.  The best thing is i am not all tore up inside.

5hil

[Acorn]

Bravo, 5! 

You shared how you responded and were feeling during and after the first convo with him in almost 2 years.  Your post focused on you!  You did mention your H’s manner of communication, but only the observable facts. 

You did not focus on speculating where he is in crisis, nor did you try to name and classify the encounter as a ‘touch and go,’ ‘the beginning of reconnection,’ ‘is he going to be a clinger now?’ or whatever.  I think the use of that kind of terminology can generate unhelpful expectations in LBS, by inserting in her mind a mental flow chart of ‘touch and go’ —> ‘reconnection’ —> ‘reconciliation.’  Staying away from these unhelpful thoughts highlights how far you have come in detachment and healing.  Good for you! 

If you don’t mind me sharing my experience, I can tell you that it took me quite a bit longer than you not to read the tea leaves/speculate/prognosticate every interaction with my H…

It’s a kind of test for LBS’s detachment and where her focus is, depending on how much/little LBS speculates on the meaning of interactions with MLCer or their behaviour, IMHO. 

Cheers! 

[Treasur]

I sat for 15 mins. thinking about it all and then got up and went back to doing what i was doing.  The best thing is i am not all tore up inside.

You did well, 5, as Acorn says.
It may not say anything very useful about where your H is at, but imho it says a great deal about your own progress and healing.

[Seahorse]

5 -
Following along.
Great that you were able to have a conversation with your husband without being emotionally distraught, or putting too much thought into the meaning or where it would go from there.
Glad that you enjoyed it, and so happy that you're enjoying your life.
Keep up the great work.

[5hilmerton]

Acorn, Treasur, Seahorse, thank you for the encouraging words. I read and follow so much and absorb the advice and experience given.  Pretty sure if it was not because of all that has been shared i would be like a spastic chicken flapping in the wind.

Being with my H since i was 17 i really thought i understood him like nobody else.  But in fact at this point i really don't know him or what to expect at all.  So i just go on my way, Borders are opening up and i am planning a trip to Italy to go see my family in July.  As i always say H gave me 40 + years of a wonderful life.  I will now continue to make new memories for as long as the Lord allows.

5hil

[FaithWalker]

Great work 5!

I hope you enjoy Italy!  Fantastic!

[5hilmerton]

A follow up to my last post regarding H calling.  I had to send him some documents and i wanted to give him the tracking number.  Texting is easy enough right??? Well i thought about it and thought well he called you now you be a big girl and call him.  So i did and he did not pick up. Ok then text it is so i sent him a picture of the tracking number and a quick message and all done. 

A friend came over and while we were chatting my phone rang.  I look down and say well it's my H. Once again i bravely answer the phone "did you call me?". I said yes i did and i told him why.  Once again he brought up the weather a few more comments and i think i said ok bye first. I am getting better with this live chat.  Not that i will have to do it often but at least i can tell i am growing.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

Just journaling,
It's been June since i have had any communication from H.  I sent him his package and verified he received it via DHL tracking and that's that.  H did not text or call that he even received it.

The Italian border opened up and i got to go and see my daughter and family.  3 weeks of being away from the norm here and time to play there.  Took a friend who has never been to Europe as a travel partner.  Yea as good as friends can be that is something i will NEVER do again.  She complained about everything and went home a week early.  But after she left i had my alone time with my oldest.  So that was even better.  My oldest is a younger version of her father and is also the angriest.I

Although i choose not to initiate conversation about my H her Dad I knew it certainly was the elephant in the room.  She brought her Dad up a couple days after i arrived.  She was/is full of anger and told me she no longer has a relationship with her Dad and he will not have anything to do with our granddaughter or her husband.  I certainly cannot debate her feelings of hurt. She did not want to hear about any crisis related topics and told me she felt like i was defending him.  I listened and we moved on.  My D now 40 brought the subject up one more time a few days before i left.  She started the conversation by saying, "i had this overwhelming sadness come over me".  She thought about it and then said "Dad should be here".  I was surprised but again i just listened.  She start asking me what are my plans and will i get a divorce.  I know she is hurt for me and wants to tell me how and what i should do but honestly this is not a conversation i want to have with my children until i have made a decision.

I love my H so unconditionally i really have no plans other than to figure out my life without H.  With that i mean living my life to the fullest and dealing with life events as they come.  Right now as i write my entire body aches still struggling with my sciatica a bit and i worked with the weed wacker a bit too long.  I finally believe for the most part i have my yard recovered from the artic event.  It has been a long haul about 5 months, messed up sciatica and cutting two fingers with the mower blade, i am just now starting to be able to use those two fingers.  I was working in my front yard and tripped and fell over my own cane.  My neighbor saw me and he and his daughter came over to help me up.  He told me that i did not have to do it alone and to ask him any time.  Well i was trying to weed and mulch my front yard which is enormous.  The next thing i know my neighbor all six of their their kids and a couple of boyfriends and girlfriends were at my house weeding and mulching.  It was a beautiful day and amazing to see the hand of GOD.

Well that's my update, now i am off to pick up inside the house since my son and grandson 2 will be coming over for dinner.

Have a wonderful Sunday,
5hil

[MadLuv]

5H-

She was/is full of anger and told me she no longer has a relationship with her Dad and he will not have anything to do with our granddaughter or her husband.  I certainly cannot debate her feelings of hurt. She did not want to hear about any crisis related topics and told me she felt like i was defending him

Only my POV from my own scrambled mess     
I can hear my own daughter in this, except she will continue to try and engage in her father and their relationship. My daughter has no sympathy for her Dad. She says he can get help. She does say when she talks to him and he acts sad that she ignores it. She will not engage( she is wiser than I)  She also said, she talks to him, but very seldom and mostly wedding or work related. She has no insight into his life at all. She said, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HIS LIFE

I also do what you do. I try to explain it away with the crisis. Maybe to lesson the pain for them. So, they know the good father they knew was real and he can’t help where he is or he would. I do feel that is the best approach for them. I feel it is the reason they try and stay engaged. I feel that if my XH does not make an effort at some point they will be like your daughter and get tired of putting in effort that is not returned.

Also, wow on your neighbors. That is so nice! We just never know where support is going to come from, but so many times it is from who we would never see it coming from and that in itself gives some hope.

[FaithWalker]

Good to see an update from you 5H.  I'm sorry that your traveling partner was a wet blanket.  I'm glad you were able to enjoy your last week a little more.

These MLCers just have no idea how their decisions have a tidal wave that affects many people, especially their kids.  They often explain it away by saying "kids are resilient" and yada yada.

So glad to hear that your neighbors stepped up and helped you.  I am sorry that you hurt yourself so badly trying to do the upkeep.  I mowed my tiny yard yesterday and I didn't have an edge trimmer, so I was out there trimming the edges with scissors.  I have a painful blister on my knuckle, and that is bad enough.  Then I cut my thumb on my other hand slicing up an avocado.  These are tiny owies, but painful, so I can't imagine what cutting on the lawnmower blade must have felt like. 

I hope you continue to get the support that you need from other caring folds in your life. 

[5hilmerton]

Hey there Tornup,
thank you for your POV re:Daughter.  My D40 says things similar to your D, since she acknowledges she is her D, she say she knows he knows what he is doing.  The last time she tried to engage with H he called her a liar.  Long story there further back in my thread.  My S32 does engage with his Dad but always says he is talking to someone he no longer knows.  My middle D33 maintains an open mind but cannot understand having a Father all of her life and then BOOM all of sudden he's gone. 😕😕

FaithWalker, thank you so much for reading my update.  Yes the MLC'rs have no idea of the collateral damage and if they do it seems they just don't care.
I really do get the blisters and cuts from food prep.  It's no laughing matter but it is. 😊😊 Accidents happen but for me usually when i am not wearing a good pair of gloves. 
I am blessed to have my family and my neighbors who really do demonstrate what a true act from the heart can mean.

Take care,
5hil

[5hilmerton]

Just Journaling,
I am an only child and have always been super independent.  I keep myself busy so i don't have time to feel sorry for myself.  But am i healing or do i just have my self caught up in a paradox? I am working to better understand myself and my reality.

  Today our minister spoke about giving thanks in all circumstances.  It seems like GOD is asking too much of us, especially during times of great disappointment, tremendous losses or unbearable heartaches.  The misunderstanding comes in thinking we're supposed to give thanks "for" everything when God is leading us to give thanks "in" everything. It's a concept some of us struggle with and resist, thinking God is telling us to be thankful "for" the difficulties.  This makes us miss what he is leading us to do, which is to be thankful despite the problems, to not let disappointments, failures, losses and hurts keep us from being thankful to him.

It is funny the Sermon was about giving thanks.  Yesterday i sat outside looking out upon my yard i realized how blessed i truly am. I told my S33 that it is quite possible i appreciate what i have more now since BD then i probably ever have. For that i am grateful and say THANK YOU.

I was reading posts on Standing Stong thread and all of a sudden a bell went off.  You know the bell they hit just before a fight.  SS allowed me to highjack his thread and answered with great detail my random questions. For that i am grateful and say THANK YOU!!

I am a deacon in my Church and i was notified that one of the families i follow has two preschool girls that have tested positive for Covid.  I was able to contact other members of our Church so we can provide daily meals and other items during their quarantine. For that i am grateful and say THANK YOU!

Thanks for the opportunity to share,
5hil

[FaithWalker]

Great post 5H.  It definitely resonated with me.

I'm so sorry about the preschool girls.  I hope everything turns out okay for that family and I bet they are grateful for strong Church family to help them through this.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you FW,
Oldest of the little ones is pretty sick.  Fever started yesterday afternoon and she is pretty weak.
We r praying for the very best.  Their Dad will be home from Norway this Friday.  God is great and always has a plan.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

Good news the little ones have recovered from their Covid and almost out of quarantine.  Dad came home from Norway today so all is good with the church family.

On another note my H's best friend called me today.  He has been telling me my H does not answer his calls.  They are both from the same country and Covid is rampant and not controlled there.  He also knows H goes for a visit every year but i had never shared with him my reality. I finally shared most of what has been going on. A very long conversation and a large shock to best friend.  He had assumed because of Covid, border closures, bad phone communication was why he had not heard from H.  Pretty sure he has not realized how much time has passed.

So today H's friend says in a very excited voice "guess what, i spoke to +&%$.  I said oh that is great and he shared his conversation with me.  He asked me if i knew his wallet was stolen. I told him yes i do know. He then told me that H is extremely nervous about Covid so he does not want to go to the embassy in another city to get his documentation replaced but knows he must.  He told me they had a fun conversation cutting up together.  He told me one thing was odd in that H invited him to our house for Thanksgiving.  I told him that he is always welcome but to not be surprised if H is not here.  I thanked him for being a good friend to H and for reaching out to H.  I dunno, strange but i really have no anticipation one way or another.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

Just Journaling
It's labor day weekend and in my State and local areas Covid is spiking.  The grandmother of the two little girls i spoke of earlier is now sick.  Today a medical team will be going to her house and give her an antibody infusion treatment.  Fairly new outpatient treatment to attack early attempting to keep folks out of the hospital.  Two days ago i lost a friend to this horrible Covid. The family was set to remove all life support,  on the early morning of,  he had a heart attack and passed.
The majority of my Church congregation are pretty mature and many of them will not get the vaccine.  i am working with the elders to reinstate hand sanitizer and masks in the Sanctuary.

Today will be a good day to get outside in the yard and tackle some weeds and trim some trees. I believe staying out of the weekend chaos will be best for me.  Need to keep this brain of mind stimulated on the goodness and challenges of mother nature and not the emotional challenges within.

5hil

[xyzcf]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Too many lives lost.

Yesterday, I had several windows replaced in my home and one of the worker's dad died of COVID 2 weeks ago. Only 71, perfectly healthy man. He lived in Mexico and did not have the privilege of being able to get a vaccine since they do not have enough of a supply yet.

I have stopped doing things inside and am debating going to mass this weekend. A community close to where I live have implemented wearing masks inside again but so far not here. I had blood work done this morning and thought, I actually feel safer in a hospital than I feel going to mass.

Yesterday I spent time in my yard and garden and will soon go out and do some more before the heat becomes too intense. I was thinking about how much I really enjoy the gardening. I look out my window at a plethora of colors and it never gets tired or old. I sometimes find the house a lot to take care of, especially since I have had to do many repairs lately. I have something fixed twice already and find that this is still not "fixed". I still find it hard that I have to deal with this (it's a major issue) without talking to my husband about what is the right thing to do. Them I think about all the people who have lost everything in the floods and the fires and I remind myself this is just a house...it will be ok.....anything in this place should be able to be fixed.....

May you have a peaceful weekend.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you xyzcf,
I got out and back in before it reached 106°.  My music in my back pocket, because i don't like anything in my ears, i am in heaven outside.  It really takes me away from it all.

I have family and friends in Mexico and it is extremely difficult regarding the Covid vaccine and prevention.  As in a lot of places there are those who believe their personal choice will not affect others. My H is in Mexico, a bit of a germophobe,  he is extremely frightened of Covid.

I did get the Elders attention and i believe there will be added precautions for those of us who want to attend a service.  With that said i believe i will attend Church tomorrow although i do not expect to see many there.

You too have a peaceful weekend.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

Today i had a wonderful day with D33 my grandson and DIL and S32. My kids birthday is this month in just a few days.  Ever since they were little they always wanted to celebrate together.  So we got together swam and fired up the barbecue grill and made way too much food.  Steaks, corn, sweet potatoes, idaho potatoes, garlic bread, watermelon and peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.  Yep we had it all, but for the first time in a very long time i missed my H's presence.  H would have taken care of all the grilled items and on the hot days he would jump in the pool and jump out to flip the meat.

I really enjoy family time but there still is that void every time we get together.  My S looks and sounds so much like his Dad it's like seeing a younger version of H. Although we don't talk about H's absence once in a while i will hear "Oh that's the way Dad did it" or "I sound just like Dad".  It warms my heart that they still share fond memories even though i know they are all hurting.

Well tomorrow is another day and it looks like another tropical storm is blowing in.  Good for the plants but certainly causes a lot of flooding.

Take care,
5hil

[FaithWalker]

I'm glad you had a wonderful day with your family 5H.  I understand about that gap in missing someone that should be there.  (((HUGS)))

[5hilmerton]

Thank you FW for reading my post. I am glad my random thoughts and feelings are understood.

 As the cooler but raining weather moves in i know i will have more time to think about everything since i will spend more time doing inside work. Holidays coming, 42  year wedding anniversary this month etc.  I feel like now more than ever i need to keep myself busy.

We got through the tropical storm with minimal impact to most.  Will be helping a friend build a holiday float.  Trying to not spread myself  too thin with volunteer work.  I tend to put my own passive income work aside.  I had to create a calendar with each day saying yard work or inside work since i was spending every day outside.

I am learning to be frugal.  Very new to me since i was a girl before i was married.  I now get excited when i find great deals and i put back things that are not worth it or i really do not need. Yesterday i was behind a lady in the grocery store who was a bit shaky and older than me.  Her cart was pretty full,  i watched as she slowly put her items up to be scanned.  We really cannot help each other due to Covid.  Anyways she was putting her items up to be scanned with no emotion on her face just a task to get done.  She had coupons and was really very slow.  I am pretty patient and was in no hurry as i continued to watch.  When all was done the cashier said "you saved 54 dollars".  This lady lit up and you would have thought bells and whistles were going off and balloons and confetti was dropping down.  She was so happy and said "oh thank you i really try".  That so made my day to see how happy she was!! I just might stop forgetting to bring my coupons 😊😊😊😊,

I know i am random with my posts but i appreciate the responses. 💕💕

Have a wonderful week,
5hil

[MadLuv]

Looking for the positive moments in life are never random. We need those bright moments. They start connecting and squeezing out the bad. Let the clouds part and the sunshine through!!! 🙂

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Tornup for your words of inspiration.

It's strange that it has been 3 months that H has not communicated with me for some reason or other.  I would not have really given it much thought except Facebook memories made me think of H.  I still dream of H in a good way and i look at his pictures with adoration.  Not sure if this is me not excepting that he's not available or just the way i am accepting his absence.

Regardless of the why, i am doing well and have been asked to lead another committee to develop volunteer recruitment for our ministry.  I often pray and ask God for guidance and strength to make wise decisions.  I believe God puts it back on me to stay true to him and his word and myself.  So i have accepted the team lead opportunity to give back to my community and be able to share what i have to give.

The yard is at a good maintenance level now and the weather is cooling down.  I am still potting and replanting but not really out of necessity.  I have scheduled one more spinal nerve block and i hope this one will finally get my sciatica pain under control.  This month will be my 42nd wedding anniversary and i think i just might be ok to just let it be another day.

I really do hope some day i will see my H not be disconnected from our children and our grans.  And if it is in God's will know that H will some day remember me.

Well that's the ramble for today,
5hil

[xyzcf]

I am glad that you have accepted to lead a committee to recruit for your ministry. God has a plan and how things come to us to do and the people that are put in our lives always amazes me.

In a few days it will be our 44th wedding anniversary. I actually am fine to acknowledge the day, I usually attend mass and last year took a drive in the mountains and had a lovely lunch outdoors. It doesn't make me sad as it once did, but grateful for the 32 years we had together.

My husband has always stayed in contact but there are times he withdraws and I don't hear from him for a while. I have learned that is his "pattern" and there is no explaining it really although I suspect that sometimes, he will see me for a bit and it will be quite nice and that scares him. Just my way of thinking, I could be totally wrong.

I hope that you get some relief from the sciatica pain. Pain is very tiring.

I really do hope some day i will see my H not be disconnected from our children and our grans.  And if it is in God's will know that H will some day remember me.

For me, I believe that God and scripture leads me to keep my heart open to my husband. He is welcomed to join us, our daughter lives in a different country so it makes sense to see her together for the short time she spends with us. Almost every year since BD, we spend Christmas together with her.

God gives me the strength to do this and it really is an answer to my prayers of having my family restored.

As you know, we see things on earth as being the only "time" that we have for things to be the way we want, forgetting that this earthly time is but a flash.

Our husbands do remember us...one of my favourite images is that God goes after the lost sheep. Our husbands are very lost and I really believe that God is taking care of that.

Peace to you today.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you xyzcf,
I needed those encouraging words.  Funny thing yesterday as i was getting ready in my closet i kept repeating God says it will all be ok, God says it will all be ok...... I took the dogs outside and the weather was absolutely perfect so i sat and read my daily devotional.  I sometimes get ahead of myself so i am into the October devotionals.  After that i had that feeling that often comes over me. "It will all be ok" 😊😊💖💖😊😊 Thank you for checking on my posts i love to hear from everyone.  I believe sometimes reading what others have to say lubricates my soul.

5hil

[xyzcf]

It always helps me to have someone comment on my posts, to be understood. I am so fortunate to have met several LBSers along the way in person and can speak to them freely about how I feel. One person lives 5 minutes from me and she shares my beliefs about the permanency of marriage and we have supported one another for years with prayer and discussion of our beliefs.

That voice of God, that comes when I least expect it and I always feel at peace, several people have heard this same thing.

The hard part is giving this totally over to Him. I feel that God created me and knew everything about me before I was born....and I can trust in His love and His goodness.

Sometimes I only see what I want and am not always grateful for the many many ways God has shown his love and care for me. If it isn't exactly what I want, I feel that He has not heard me but I know He hears me very well.

Now my husband may hear but choose not to listen. I pray that God will change his hardened heart and open his eyes and his ears and that no matter what the outcome, that I will be at peace.

[5hilmerton]

Just journaling,
I spend so much time staying busy so i don't think too much.  A couple of days ago was my wedding anniversary.  I did good and it definitely was easier than the first two. Lately i have been cleaning out closets with 42 years and 5 moves to 5 different states with Corporate America stuff.  I can really say it's just stuff.

I made a promise to my children that their inheritance would not be my stuff/junk.  It's actually pretty motivating to have that commitment.  So i have been finding "stuff" cleaning it up and putting it on line to sell.  Funny thing is that what you have from your parents, grand parents does not have the value u always thought.  I mean who would think that Silver Dollars from 1886 would have little value and even less if they clean.  Or Thomas Kinkade prints are a dime a dozen.  Anyway it's been storming here so staying busy in the house. Not as fun as being outside but i make it work.

Monday i have my last nerve block injection in my spine.  I am really hoping this will prevent surgery.  My fingers that i cut on the lawn mower blades look pretty good.  Nails are all grown back and the the tips are not numb and the pain is almost gone. Hmm while i am journaling i just got an offer on one of my TK prints. Just made the sale that i just posted a half an hour ago.  Hmmmm maybe i should have asked for more. 😊

Well that's my story and i am sticking to it.
5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

Glad to you are getting rid of the clutter.  I think it not only helps the space in our homes but also helps to feel more organized.   Hope the pain injection goes well.  Always good to try to prevent spine surgery if possible.  Hope you have a relaxing weekend!

HF

[5hilmerton]

I HAD A DREAM!!!

I commented on StandingStrongs post that i watch his and his MLCRW's progress because i am not able to see my H.  I guess that must have stuck in my head and i had a dream that showed me my H.  It was pleasant yet very much like what he could actually be doing.

In my dream i was in the small town where he was born and raised.  I was talking to his family and H was not around.  They all new we were not together but only one brother knew where H actually lived.  I guess he had went to get H so we could talk.  Funny thing was they were telling me that H had told them that he left because we had a big fight and i told him to get out.  Not even close but i guess he could have really told them that.

When i finally saw him he was like a walking colorful shadow that you could see through.  Our meeting was awkward but we did try to engage in conversation.  He was still very flighty  nervous.  We talked a while and i asked do you have another woman?  Eventually H said even if i do have another woman you are still my W.  The dream was foggy but i remember he was going to stay in town with me for the few days i would be there.  Than i saw him talking on his cell phone in secret and i understood he was telling her he would be gone for a few days.  We were in a room and my dream ended with the door closing.

I guess my brain wondering created a story to fulfill my curiosity.  I dont dream much anymore and when i do it is just bits and pieces.  This dream had a beginning and an end. Funny how the brain works maybe a touch of God saying "let me handle it".

That's my story and i am sticking to it
5hil

[5hilmerton]

Journaling,
I had my last spinal nerve block on Monday.  3 of 3 so i am hoping this one is the fix. With the first 2 i bounced back within a couple of days.  But this time the anesthesia and steroids kicked my butt.  I have been laying pretty flat due to the pain at the injection site and up until today i had a pretty serious brain fog.  Everyday i am feeling stronger so that's a good thing.

My daughter is decorating the inside and outside with pumpkins etc.  She does a real good job  last year she told me she refuses to not have holiday decorations.  Her D is gone and borders were closed so we could not have our family together like we usually do.

My H 's brother wife reached out to me on Facebook and told me she can't wait until we could see each other again.  Made me feel good yet sad since we were all close watching the generations grow and start their families.  My H is the oldest and is/was the go to brother.  Although we r in a different countries we did well to stay connected.  Social media was our way to reach out to each other across the states and the different countries where our families live.  I do not know what H has told his family but that's his family and i have no reason to share what's going on between us. A long way to say i miss that relationship but respect that they are H's family.

Well that's my story and i am sticking to it.
5hil

[MadLuv]

It is nice to keep that family connection going. I was very distressed about losing XH family.  I have been a part of for over 30 years. My D30 wedding proved that we are all still connected and honestly it was like nothing had happened. I’m sure for my XH who is crisis it must be hard to feel so disconnected from family and especially your XW and see her still interacting with your family as normal. I am sure if he decides to stay with OW she will force a meeting and start of connection with his family and then maybe I will fall off the face of the earth, but some how I don’t think so. 

[5hilmerton]

Journaling,
Today was the second Thanksgiving without H's physical presence and third without emotional presence in 42 years.  I had all my children and one of two grandchildren. A very nice time for all.  2 year-old grandson stole the show and was quite entertaining.

Food and beverage were plentiful and the laughter was ongoing throughout the day. The kids D40, D34, S33 spoke about their Dad when discussing their child hood antics.  No discussion about the absence of their Dad.  I am happy we had an amazing holiday, can't say i did not feel the absence a bit but it did not last.

It's funny i felt a bit more independent spending time with the kids and not worrying about my H and his needs throughout the day.  It's kind of a strange feeling content with my family time without H.  Got to see the Macy's parade, love those Rockettes!!

5hil

[xyzcf]

Sounds like a really nice day. You had your family with you, and that is the best thing.

My family live in another country and I find such times difficult because they are such family focused events. I did have a lovely day with a friend and her family.

Some past holidays, when I have spent with just my daughter have been like you explain. Comfortable without his presence. When he has joined us, it is less comfortable.

Thanks for sharing. Your grandson would be a really lovely part of this family that you have joined together and move forward with one another which is a very very beautiful thing.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Xyzcf for your kind response.  My oldest D40 and her family actually live in Italy.  Due to the border shut down this is the first time since 2019 that she has been able to come home to the US.  My 4 year old granddaughter and my SIL will join her here on 12/17.

It's all good to be able to smile and watch the next generation thrive!!  Being an only child one of my life goals has always been to have children who love each and support each other and will stay close regardless of how far away they live from each other.  Even though we live in different parts my children have a weekly "kid chat".  I love this and it let's me know they will always be there for each other in the good and tough times.

5hil

[xyzcf]

Your post made me smile. I just have a daughter and son in law and a brother and his family in Canada. My sister passed away in April. My daughter and I are close, I am so grateful for that but I have chosen to live here because I have a life I have made and the weather is beautiful. Eventually I will return to be closer to her. She doesn't want children otherwise I would move in a flash.

I did not see her for 17 months due to COVID so I can share your joy at what it is like to be physically in the presence of those we love.

Your Christmas is going to be wonderful!!!!!!!

I too will spend Christmas with my daughter, SIL and Mr. xyzcf which is the best solution for us, best for our daughter and that is what matters to me..because she is an only child (as he is) and our family remains very broken but we are fortunate that we can be together at certain times.

Have a lovely visit!!!!

[5hilmerton]

Journaling
It has been super cold here as the season transitions. My daughter his here from Italy and i have been staying inside quite a bit.  Feeling guilty for not being in the yard so much.  It's 3:00 am central time and i am having another time to think too much.

A while back i posted about a dream that i had and nobody commented.  I would have liked to have read some comments and thoughts. I believe it helps me to push through the times when I am thinking too much.

I have not heard from H since June when he lost his wallet.  It's really ok i just do my own thing. But there are times, when reading posts from others, i really do wonder why do they just flip into the unknown.  A true Dr. Jekyll and Hyde reality in my life.  I choose not to pursue H because i do not want to bring myself pain.  But to be honest i will always wonder what happened and why my children are off his radar? H has a daughter from his first wife and he is very much present in her life.

Well those our my thoughts, hopefully i can shut my brain down and get some sleep.

5hil

[xyzcf]

 I am sorry that you did not get comments on your dream. Sometimes, when I have such a dream, I write it out and listen to what "myself" tells me about each part and I will write it down, the various ideas. I also will search online for what certain  things mean in a dream and sometimes that gives me some insight.

Because there are so many interpretations though, I prefer to delve deeper into my own dreams. It is suggested that you keep a dream journal because sometimes dreams repeat themselves.

Two things that stuck out to me when I reread your dream today:

When i finally saw him he was like a walking colorful shadow that you could see through

.

I often think about my husband as a "ghost" which is how I felt when I read that in your post. I have heard others here also talk about their missing spouses as being "ghostlike"...their essence is gone.

We were in a room and my dream ended with the door closing.

Although you could see that as an ending of sorts, I also thought, well they are in the room together. Once again, open to lots and lots of interpretation. I have talked with my therapist about dreams that I had but I would not really want too many people to comment here because our dreams are very specific to us and our own situation.

really do wonder why do they just flip into the unknown.  A true Dr. Jekyll and Hyde reality in my life.  I choose not to pursue H because i do not want to bring myself pain.  But to be honest i will always wonder what happened and why my children are off his radar? H has a daughter from his first wife and he is very much present in her life.

We have all asked this over and over...why would they do this? So many years later, I have learned to "accept" that it happened and although there are many theories of the causation of MLC, there really is no definitive answer.

If you have been reading Tornup's thread, she is also searching for "why" and you may find that some of what has been written there applies.

I find it really difficult because we have had contact throughout the years and he has never given me any explanation and his behavior is so erratic that I have just learned to let it all pass. I still read other's stories because it confirms to me that "this MLC" does indeed occur.....this is not just happening in our family and although outside sites like this, we don't often hear about stuff like this, it is real and tremendously painful.

When I met new friends and the topic arises, trying to explain what happened, I usually am met with this look of utter disbelief because it all sounds so outrageously impossible for anyone to just leave like that....I have often thought that if this were not happening to me, I would be fascinated by the psychology of it.

Enjoy your daughter!

[MadLuv]

5hik- dreams are tricky thing are ‘t they. Sometimes they are complete fiction, sometimes a fore shadowing ( at in my case) and sometimes it is to work out or run through scenarios  in out subconscious (IMHO) I have had dreams where XH is mean, some kind, some where OW has become disfigured🤪 In the end I believe it is my mind trying to still resolve the crisis they have left us in. That’s how I look at them.

[Curiosity]

5hil, sorry there weren’t more comments on your dream. For my own part, I tend to think dreams and their interpretation vary widely based on how the dreamer’s brain works. Personally, I tend to think in a fairly concrete, literal way. I understand metaphor, but it’s not where I naturally go. And my dreams tend to be pretty close to real-world situations. I know people who always have analogies and metaphors for any anecdote they tell, and their dreams tend to be highly symbolic - some are classic things like crumbling teeth representing anxiety, but some are just anxiety revealed in scenarios that don’t represent their actual lives. Not that that helps; but to me, the idea of “what does this mean” is very individual, and how deep you have to dig to figure out a possible meaning depends on how literally your brain tends to work on a conscious level. And I say this as a complete non-professional with no training or experience in dream interpretation.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you, xyzcf, Tornup, Curiosity, for taking your time to respond.
I wish i could tell you how real yet unreal the dream was.  I truly was there smelling the Mexican street smells and the glow from my H was warm.  Very strange, i don't remember if i posted this before but i believe our minds are so much more powerful then we know.

Over thirty years ago i dreamt that i was on a boat and the water all around was black.  I remember looking to make sure all of my family was present.  I could not find my 2 year old son.  I immediately woke up and went to his room where he was sleeping peacefully.  Went on with my morning ritual, got the kids off and then went to work.  Towards the end of my shift i got a frantic call telling me that my 2 year old son had drown.. Coincidental or   Not the first dream that i feel may have been a sign.

Many years ago i dreamt my H was lost in a crowd just wandering around.  In my dream i could tell he had no idea where he was, just looking up and over the crowd.. Again i woke up and he was sleeping by my side. Does he know where he is now???

Just my crazy brain running away with Its self.  That's my story and i am sticking to it 😊😊

5hil

[MadLuv]

I have had dreams that were scary and unexplainable yet came true in some sense later in life as well. I had a dream from when I was a young child until young adulthood. It’s a long dream to type out, but the dream in a different version came true and I never had the dream again after. Had it for decades. The mind is a crazy thing

[Nas]

5, I did not know that about your son, I’m so, so sorry.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Nas,
a very long time ago.  But still feels like yesterday, a parent shouldn't outlive their children.

💕💖💕
5hil

[Evermore]

No they shouldn’t 5Hil. It makes my heart break even trying to imagine. I’m so sorry. 💕

[UrsaMajor]

Dreams are ... well .... strange might be one way to look at it. One school of thought says that they are the brain's way of dealing with stuff that is rolling around in the back of our consciousness... and it comes back at us when we are "vulnerable."

After ABD and the resulting separation, I was plagued for a while with dreams that either included tornados or involved me being screaming angry at MLCxW and then chasing after her to apologize so I could still see my kids (I have a suspicion on that one) but, as time went on and I reached acceptance/detachment, those dreams became fewer, not as destructive or "violent" and finally faded all together.... What did it all mean? I still have no idea....

As for the dream that you had about H being lost? There is another school of thought that says our brains process information on many levels, including the subconscious so maybe your subconscious was coming back in dreams to process what it had seen.... Who knows...

I am REALLY heartbroken hearing about your son.....

UM

[Treasur]

I’m with others, 5hil, about trying to diagnose someone else’s dreams. Difficult enough often to understand my own as UM says, but I hope that you did not interpret that lack of response as a lack of care about you or your situation.

I agree with UM that a lot of active dreams seem to be common in the turmoil of this and that often this is our unconscious shuffling through some unfinished business or strong emotions. Having said that, I also believe bc I have experienced it that there is a different flavour of of dream, dreams that contain a kind of ‘knowing’ that perhaps our unconscious ‘knows’ that our rational brain does not. Or not yet. I know there are a few other folks who have experienced something similar even if these are rare - in fact I think it has only happened to me three or four times in my life. Each had a dollop of foresight in my case, things I ‘knew’ in my dream that I could not possibly know in real life....a bit like your instinct about your little one (and as others say, I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m not sure that time takes all of that grief away, does it?) I have no idea of the source or cause of these kind of ‘knowing’ dreams.....just that they felt different in some way and that they turned out to be a foreshadowing of something real and tangible that unfolded later.

The thing that jumped out at me about your dream was that sense of your h being a see-through shadow, someone or something not quite ‘there’, like a ghost. Quite a lot of us have had similar dreams and I susoect it is bc our unconscious senses the hollowness of a person or at least our perception of them as such in a way that is hard to put into words. I suspect the value of our dreams is to sit with them for a while until we can ‘hear’ what they are trying to tell us......

[5hilmerton]

Thank you All for the heartfelt comments and the sharing of your experiences.  It truly helps me know that there is someone out there to help me balance on the tightrope i walk.

On a good note, i turned 60 on November 28. I had a wonderful time, my daughter was able to come home from Italy!! 💕💖💕 I drank too much, ate too much and laughed hard like i have not laughed in a long time. 😊 Having all 3 of my children together was the best present ever. My driver's license expired on my birthday so i am off today to battle the mega renewal office.

Wishing everyone the very best holidays!! Carpe Diem!

5hil

[OldPilot]

Dreams threads

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=284.msg10797#msg10797

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10118.msg666233#msg666233

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3562.msg213598#msg213598

[5hilmerton]

Thank you OldPilot!!! 💕😊😊💕

[5hilmerton]

Do you ever have the day, week....where your thoughts just jump from one thing to another???
Lately i have not been able to stay focused on too much.  If i am reading i am thinking about something else and must read the same sentence or paragraph over and over.  If i am writing i find myself writing what's in my thoughts and not the topic i should be writing about. Thank goodness i read before i push send.

I am not thinking about H or what he's up to, it's really everything but.  Not to say i do not think about H but he's not my first thought or what's clouding my mind. I feel like lately i just cannot let all that is around me happen and then move on.  Another early morning here with me just trying to calm the brain that does not allow me to shut down and rest.  I wonder if this my way of keeping a lid on a boiling pot.  I don't feel angry just concerned about everything and everyone around me.

Just my early morning ramble
5hil

[MadLuv]

Many times!!! Those are the times I drop everything and out my ear pods in and walk my street listening to music. It is the only thing that works.

[Standing Strong]

Oh yeah..... when the mind is overloaded, absolutely.

(For me) the 1st year was full of that. 

I agree with Torn, when that happens getting away and focusing on something like walking was very helpful (for me).

-SS

[Pacman]

Do you ever have the day, week....where your thoughts just jump from one thing to another???
Lately i have not been able to stay focused on too much.  If i am reading i am thinking about something else and must read the same sentence or paragraph over and over.  If i am writing i find myself writing what's in my thoughts and not the topic i should be writing about. Thank goodness i read before i push send.

I am not thinking about H or what he's up to, it's really everything but.  Not to say i do not think about H but he's not my first thought or what's clouding my mind. I feel like lately i just cannot let all that is around me happen and then move on.  Another early morning here with me just trying to calm the brain that does not allow me to shut down and rest.  I wonder if this my way of keeping a lid on a boiling pot.  I don't feel angry just concerned about everything and everyone around me.

Just my early morning ramble
5hil

This is me in a nutshell.
Most days I can't focus on what needs to be done with my mind jumping around to various thoughts and not all of them relate to "the alien". Not to say she doesn't cross my mind at all.
Some days I couldn't care less where or what or who she is seeing/doing as it's quite obvious I'm not on her mind.

The struggle is dealing with day to day routine which at the moment is like "Groundhog Day".

I find when readiing that I have to read it any times and even then it doesn't sink in ....like in one ear and out the other.

[JohnnyBravo]

Reading is the hardest thing for me... Something has to be REALLY interesting for me to maintain focus.

One that I've been able to focus on was suggested by RCR, "Never Split The Difference." It's from 2016, written by an FBI hostage negotiator. Since it explains negotiating tactics, it has practical applications, which is probably why I can focus on it.

Otherwise, I find I'm doing things that I can switch back and forth to easily. I spend a lot of time on crosswords, since I can do bits and pieces here and there. I also have a stack of electronic circuit kits (for various projects) that have been sitting for a while, so I've gotten started on those as well. And the drums have been very helpful, since I have a lot to learn, and I can also do that somewhat spontaneously. I should probably sit down and do an hour at a time, but that's still a lot of focus. (Plus I've been neglecting my stick drills, because.... they're drills.)

I definitely drag on the more mundane things... I'm eating reasonably well, but putting much effort into meals seems to be a bit pointless at the moment. (And I was always happy cooking for myself in the past.) Laundry? Cleaning? Getting done, but not the level of effort I would have put in previously.

JB

[5hilmerton]

Thanks everyone,
I believe the message is to find the right distraction.  I was wondering if others had the bouncing around within.   I believe having all of my three adult children and their families home for the holidays may have hit a mild trigger of the way it was.

I know they are trying to keep traditions alive.  I find myself backing off a bit because i don't really know how to jump in.  I need to get past it as this is not the first holidays w/o H.  Just the first holidays w/o H with everyone home.  I know they are feeling the absence.  My family is strong and they laugh a lot and make me laugh.  I did not realize i would bounce off of my steady course during the holidays this year.

Thank you for all of your responses,
5hil

[UrsaMajor]

I survived the first 6 months after ABD by walking and because I was up to my ears in preparation for the launch of a satellite. I HAD to concentrate and luckily, on the technical documentation and so on, I could. Otherwise, reading was an absolute disaster. I could read something and by the time i had turned the page, I had forgotten what I had just read... I had to go back over technical documentation a LOT to make sure that I actually put the right parameters in the right places...

[5hilmerton]

Ursa, 👆👆THAT!!

It's crazy to read and share these feelings. I am NO WAY close to launching any satellite but i must read technical documentation for projects i work on. I am just getting back to being able to walk since my sciatica pain and the spinal injections. But the walks will certainly increase my physical and mental health.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and share,
5hiil

[5hilmerton]

Holiday journaling,
had another dream about H. I really cannot remember it other than i had it.  I think i triggered it by all of the family holiday activity going on.

It's tough (and i am feeling sorry for myself) tightening up on the budget so much.  I love buying for the kids on Christmas.  Because i had to slow my life down i realize my adult children are financially doing excellent.  Their children, my grands, will not suffer due to lack of money or gifts.

It was not like that for me growing up and we over indulged our children.  My H and I were a combined force on so many levels.  I know i am missing my partner in crime right now.  I do anticipate a financially challenging 2022 and am preparing for the unexpected.

On a great note all of my children and grands will be home for the holidays and there will be much laughter. A lot of food and drink causing the debate of where the best wine and cheese comes from. I was born and raised in the California wine country as were my children. My SIL, born, raised and living in Italy will always defend the Italian wine and cheese.  We all laugh we know its really good and certainly a lot cheaper but we just like to give him a bad time.

 I have been trying out new recipes and making candy themed wreaths for the grands.  My daughter's are decorating our patio in a candy themed wonderland for the grands.  I think they are even turning the dog house into a gingerbread house. Well i do look forward to seeing it all done. Maybe next year i will travel to the German Christmas Markets, my D is a flight attendant.

Happy Holidays Everyone,
5hil

[Standing Strong]

Hey 5hil,

Your holiday plans sound really nice. Lots of love and laughter.
Adjusting and coping very well if you ask me. 

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Thank you SS,
wishing you too the very best!  Happy Holidays and Carpe Diem as much as you can.

5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

You sound great and hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family.   I too will be facing a tough transition in 2022 as my W and finalize our divorce.  I will be able to adjust but it's tough when you see all the destruction that comes from from the D and MLCer actions.   Wishing you all the best in the new year.

HF

[MadLuv]

5hil
Sounds like a great holiday is set in place for you family. Love all of it!

[5hilmerton]

Just Journaling,
I had an amazing Christmas holiday with my family.  All kids and grands present, the house has not been so loud since my kids were young.  I will say my granddaughter from Italy is super loud gets into everything and does not listen to anyone.  I would not change anything about her. I am completely exhausted in the evening, it's an exhaustion i have not felt in years.  Quite satisfying and has certainly filled a void within me.

For a nano second i thought about H missing all of the love, chaos and of course the abundant food and drink.  But as quick as i thought about H i was not thinking about H.  H did come up in conversation, oh remember when Dad said or did this, never in anger.  It was odd seeing my grand kids empty their stockings where my kids once emptied theirs.

All is very good, such a wonderful time and distraction.  I might say one of my best Christmas.  Not over yet just taking some time to myself.

Happy Holidays
5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

So glad you had a great Christmas.  You will be able to enjoy the memories and rest following the busy holiday.  I just got back from visiting family with plenty of grandkids having fun together.  It was so much fun and the joy of the holiday really helped me during my 1st Christmas away from my W.

Hope you have a wonderful New Year!

HF

[OffRoad]

Glad your Christmas was so wonderful. It's nice to get to have something so normal and so enjoyable. And especially nice that the day or days were so full that a little alone time feels good.

I wish you many more happy and full holidays.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you HF and OffRoad,
I do expect 2022 will be a challenge but i believe i will be able to manage the challenges.

My D from Italy has classes here in the states for the airline she works for.  Due to the Covid spike classes were pushed out a week.  With that said SIL and granddaughter will stay another week.  Looking forward to a bit more time with them.

Wishing a very Happy New Year to All
5hill

[FaithWalker]

Wonderful 5Hil!  I look forward to the day that I have some grandchildren.  Enjoy your family!  Your H is missing out.  His loss.

[5hilmerton]

Hey FaithW,
the grands are fun especially when you see so much of your own within them.  Right now our entire family have been diagnosed with Covid.  Looks like flights and training will be furthered delayed.  This too we will get through.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

Just Journaling,
I am bugging along with 4 of us sick with Covid in my home. In between sleeping and feeling like death warmed over i look at my phone and there is a text from H.  I guess my son who stays in contact must have shared that we are sick.

The text loosely translated says;
Hi Xxx please take our granddaughter to the dr. so they can give her something immediately.  Happy New Year, please take care of yourselves.  Please keep me informed.  Take care of our grandson too.

I am not sure how to take this message.  H used to be the most kind and compassionate man and a message like that would have not surprised me.  Not so much since the  5/19 BD.  I have no reason to respond because honestly if he wants to know about our children and grands that is certainly up to him.  I am no longer his connection to all of them.

Just my rant for the day,
5hil

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry that you all have Covid.  Hopefully everyone recovers quickly.

[MadLuv]

It’s hard to grasp that they can talk like they are talking to the local bank teller, but they are in a selfish place. You are also right. They can connect and communicate on their own. You are not responsible for that. Take care

[5hilmerton]

Thank you, FW, TU, for kind words.  MY FAMILY AND I HAVE TURNED A CORNER AND OUR FEELING MUCH BETTER!

GOD BLESSES US,
5hil,

[FaithWalker]

Wonderful news 5h!

[Standing Strong]

Hi 5hil,

So sorry to hear you all got Covid..... it's not fun...... but glad you are doing better already 

That whole interaction you had...... him trying to reach out (or something)........ they know what they should feel, they just don't feel it. Just going thru the motions to fulfil what is expected. It's a sad thing really. Him reaching out is even less about trying to convince you that he cares, he's trying to convince himself (and feels nothing).

Hope you heal up fast, and 100% 

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Thank you SS,
we are all feeling so much better!!! Not 100% but getting there.

What you explained unfortunately makes sense.  So very sad to see the amazing man i knew so hollow.  I truly wish he finds his healing. Yes i can move forward without him but he truly was my best friend.

Wishing you a Strong, Healthy and Prosperous New Year!
5hil

[5hilmerton]

Well we all had negative Covid tests today.  So my Italian family will be flying back home to Italy on Friday.  Bittersweet for sure, i will miss them so much, but will enjoy some normalcy.  I am getting outside a bit now so i feel i can truly heal with help of my love for mother earth.  My friend always buys these large boston ferns to hang during the summer.  Once they turn a bit brown she loses interest and tosses them away.  So this year i took them, i don't mind cutting them back and bringing them back to life.  Which reminds me i must take before and after pictures

I am cleaning up items and getting rid of things i really don't need.  As i look at some of the items H bought for me i see how much he really loved and cared for me.  Just another reason to wonder how this crisis can flip a switch and all is dismissed. 

I ended the year knowing and stating that 2022 will have its challenges.  Then we all got the stinkin Covid Omricon and my outlook has changed a bit.  I truly am going to take this year day by day living each day to the fullest.  We just never know what the next minute will bring.  I learned to have a power word and mine is "live" and i am going to do my very best to make that happen this year!!

Carpe Diem,
5hil

[UrsaMajor]

Well, I am glad the Ghost of Omicron Past is actually passing... Re:  the text from MLCH - the loose translation sounds like he was ordering someone around in boot camp... "Go! Do this! Now!" and expected you to salute and jump - never mind that you were also diagnosed and affected...

Strange breed, these Midlifers....

Boston ferns can be a challenge but are quite nice if you can care for them correctly and don't mind cleaning up the dead leaves...

UM

[5hilmerton]

A time to Journal,
I have this dang cough left over from Covid past.  For that reason i am not going to church.  Well and mostly i am not going because so many of the church members are anti-Vac. and there is a pretty large out break amongst the church members.  Although the majority of our members are seniors some are being very stubborn in regards to the vaccine.

There has been a pretty good cold flash for the past few days.  Even though no where near the Artic freeze last February i have brought in my plants and covered pipes like nobodies business. My kitchen and garage looks like a small green house. The poinsettia leaves and fern fronds are dropping but not too bad.  The water in the pool is so flippin cold but i still have to clear the oak leaves from the filter baskets and they are usually more than full. (Brrrrr).

I have been grabbing H's winter clothes.  He is a small man and i was always larger then him.  Surprisingly his clothes fit just right and expand my outdoors wardrobe.  This morning i put on one of his sweatshirts and it fit perfect. Funny i am excited to get into some of his nicer sweatshirts and winter vests.  In the summer time i have been wearing his cargos and jeans most of them with holes in the knees. You could say they might be fashionable for the younger folks.  But for me it just allows my knees to get dirty.

Since my H did send me the text when we were sick with Covid i assumed my son had said something.  My son and his son and wife also had their battle with Covid so other than checking on them via phone we really did not have a conversation until a couple of days ago.  I asked him if he had mentioned to his Dad that we were sick.  My son said "yea, i told him the household was sick." So for the first-time in approximately 6 months he sent me a text.  Although the message was still very topical it was the first-time in forever H did not ask me to do something. 

Well that's my story for now,
5hil

[OffRoad]

Here, you might like this
https://youtu.be/Bf5TgVRGND4

Read all the information on the pages as the video plays.

[5hilmerton]

OffRoad,
the video is just perfect!!

Thank you!!
5hil

[Imgood]

That video was great! It’s so true.  Thank you OffRoad!

[5hilmerton]

It's amazing how life goes on regardless of the life events that surrounds us.  When i was a young girl i took a hard tumble from my horse.  I had the lead rope wrapped around my neck because i did not know where else to put it.  Needless to say i fell off, the horse drug me, i have never ridden a horse again.  I share this story because my belief in life has always been when u fall down you must get right back up and do it again maybe not wrapping the lead rope around your neck.

Due to Covid my middle D lost her job as a makeup artist.  H never really thought the the makeup industry was a good choice for our daughter.  Regardless, she pursued her love of makeup and skin care.  After she lost her job she went back to school and became an esthetician.  Today she was offered a very nice position and when she told her brother and sister i could just hear the love, pride and encouragement.  My middle D was the concentida to her Dad, she was the one he was able to see born.  There was always a special bond between those two.  In her words "just like that my Dad was gone".  I am sorry they are hurt so bad, but very proud to watch them get up and move forward.

Just thought i would share some joy in the midst of H's Crisis.  Life does go on it's really sad that H has checked out.

5hil

[FaithWalker]

Catching up on updates 5Hil.  Life does go on!  Sorry to hear that you have a cough still.  That is no fun!

Happy for your D's new job.  That's wonderful.

[5hilmerton]

Thank you, FaithWalker,

Although it's still pretty cold here the sun is shining and i did get outside a bit.  It warmed up above freezing, the first time in three days, i turned off the pool pumps to save some electricity.  Will have to turn them back on again tonight and hopefully the hard freezes are over.

I have started some basil and thyme seeds, i am just not good staying inside.  I tend to start over thinking and put myself in overdrive. I can continue forward without H but sure wish i did not have to. The fence needs a fix'n and there are a lot of catch up chores that need to be done. I sound like a country song.  I guess i look at the stuff that needs to be done and know my H used to do it.  I can do most of it myself but again it's not the same without H.

Just writing and sharing some thoughts so i don't keep it inside.  Although i have folks i can to speak to sometimes i just h ave to write it out.  As i get older i do have to admit to what i am no longer physically capable of doing.  I have never been good to ask for help and now i feel asking for help is a humbling experience.  When u r young you don't realize that one day you will wake up in your 60's.I

Ok, that's my story and i am sticking to it,
5hil

[5hilmerton]

I went to church today not feeling 100%.  As I stood up to sing my nose started to run and I had to grab a tissue and this annoying little cough I have decided to make its appearance too.  The Pastor wanted us to read Corinthians 12 with her.  My thoughts were; I already do not feel great and by the time I grab the bible and find Corinthians the Pastor will probably be finished. I looked over at my friend sitting next to me who of course already had her bible open to the right chapter.  I reluctantly pulled out the pew bible and opened it up still glancing at my friend to kind of see more or less where she had opened her bible to. I took a deep breath and looked back at my own bible that I had already opened up.  Corinthians 12 was right there waiting for me to start reading.  No lie I could not even make this up.  It has been a beautiful sunny Sunday today.  H never went to church with me unless there was a family or holiday funtion.  I get it i am just missing him.🙏🙏🙏

[5hilmerton]

Journaling before i go outside to work in the yard.

The weather is changing and the family has gone back to Italy.  So i can work outside listening to my music and dodging fire ants.  Valentine's day was ok for me until later on in the evening.  H and i always had a really nice dinner and he always bought me Roses or a Beautiful bouquet, sometimes two.  I did not expect anything and i did not receive anything from H.  Not quite sure why i let it bug me this year.  The kids, my adult children, all made sure to keep me in their thoughts.  For sure that was wonderful and i am so blessed.  I guess i am just missing being loved by the H i have loved for so long.

Well off to my main distraction.  I want to plant some lavender to feed the bee's and encourage other pollinators.  Not as much winter frost clean up as last year.  Although there still could be another final freeze i don't anticipate another hard freeze.  But weather here is like predicting the actions of an MLC'r

Well off to seize the moment,
5hil

[5hilmerton]

I had an unexpected meltdown yesterday and honestly i had chest pains.  My oldest D40 graduated from her flight attendant 7 week training.  I was so proud to see her moving in a different direction.  That young lady has a lot going on.  She tells me "Mom, money does not have to come from only one source" and she lives her Mantra!  As we were taking pictures it was quite sad to not see H in the picture.  One of the first big family milestones where he was not there.  Yesterday we put my oldest on the plane back to Italy so she can start the process to move back to the US. I knew i would cry but i did not expect to bawl.  The night before my son was telling us that he had booked a flight to Cancun.  He invited his Dad, my H, and all was good until the last minute.  Yep H backed out, said he was nervous about the Omicron spike.  It hurt me to hear my son tell us and see the hurt in his face.  I guess it just all seemed so sad to love someone so much and H just can't love back.

I love my family and it hurts so much to see what the crisis does to a family.  Not sure why i had the chest pains but once i quit thinking about my H the pain was gone.  This pain makes me angry but i am also sad to wonder if i will ever see H again.  Or even worse will my children ever see the incredible Dad they lost???

Another Day,
5hil

[FaithWalker]

Aww yes it is so sad to think about what they have missed out on and continue to miss out on. 

Sending you some ((((virtual hugs)))) 5hil.

Your place sounds lovely.  Lavender and thyme and pool pumps must mean a lovely pool on your property too? 

I'm younger than you, but house or car problems just make me freeze up with uncertainty.  S16 was having issues with his car.  I told him to hang on for a day and a half so that he could go to his F's and ask him about the car.

I have had one thing after another happen with repair for this house and it's stressful for me, having always been married to a fix-it/builder person.  Thankfully, my B came over the weekend and replaced my upstairs bathroom sink, the one my M uses most often.  I was able to google how to shut off the water to it as it wouldn't stop running no matter how hard I tried to turn it off via the knob.  But from there I didn't know how to fix it.  Now we have a better replacement thanks to my B, and he came to fix it on his birthday of all days.  It is hard for me to ask for help but I am trying to be better about it and realize that I may be inconveniencing people, but that I am worth any inconvenience they may have.

I'll try to get back more often to check in with you 5hil.

Vday was tough for me too.  I made the best of it.  My coworker got me a yummy coffee drink from Starbucks.  That brightened my day a little bit.

[MadLuv]

5hil-
Just catching up with everyones stories with some extra time for a change. So sorry to hear your struggling a bit with missing your H. It’s just a continuous rollercoaster at times. I am just finally at 16 months now enjoying time alone, but still miss the family that is no longer. I will continue to follow along with your story. Hope you have had some better days

[5hilmerton]

Thank you FW and MLuv for your kind words. 
Taking my time to post since spring has sprung and my outside therapy has started.

My S34 has never given up on H and contacts him at least once a week.  H does not always respond but my S will contacts others who will find H and eventually H responds.  S and family invited H to join them in Cancun.  H initially said no but eventually changed his mind. S and H saw each other for the first-time in going on 3 years. S posted pics. with his Dad and our grandson 3 years old.  Everyone was smiling and our grandson had his little hand walking with his grandfather. It warms my heart to know my S and grandson were able to spend time with my H.

When i heard about the trip i prayed that H would show up by himself.  I have not spoken to my son in person since their return a few days ago.  S did tell his sister's that H stayed with him and his family at the hotel. It appears that H was by himself and they were able to share some good family time. I saw pics. of H for the first-time in going on 3 years.  He pretty much looked the same.  H ages gracefully, 74 and his skin is still smooth. Funny thing, when H left, he was all about exercising and losing weight. Buying new clothes and having older clothes taken in. He would say "i can't believe i was that fat".  H was never fat sometimes heavier during winter months.  As i was looking at the pics. my S posted H was truly overweight and bigger then i have ever saw him. I will say his eyes were calm and his smile appeared sincere.

My story for now
5hil

[MadLuv]

Awww, I love that he went and wow 3 years. That’s a stomach drop. I just can’t imagine how they disconnect for that long and miss so much. Kudos to your S for sticking in there and doing the grown up adult work to stay connected. That warms my heart to hear of Your H and GS walking hand and hand. My D posted pics of her Dad and S7 recently at our place on a small lake. It did the same. I was happy and a little sad I was not part of it and his new Wife was, but still more glad that he at least is connecting.

Thank you for your update

[5hilmerton]

Well i took the leap and cleared out my H's painting room.  It has always been a site for sore eyes but it was his room and he always had a project he was working on.  He had asked that i not vacuum the room for fear of the dust settling on wet or tacky paint.  So i have not touched HIS room since H physically left 12/19.

My 4 year-old granddaughter and 2 year-old grandson will be here for Easter. I decided to clear and clean the room and eliminate the need to keep the grands away from the dangers of 40 years of paintings, easels, art supplies, etc.  It certainly was an emotional task but i now have a nice clean sitting room.

Guess GOD was keeping me on task because the weather was windy and raining on and off not great for yard work.  Tomorrow it's supposed to rain a lot but i just need to get outside.  I am sure i can find something to do while dodging the rain.

Happy Easter to All
5hil

[UrsaMajor]

Well i took the leap and cleared out my H's painting room.  It has always been a site for sore eyes but it was his room and he always had a project he was working on.  He had asked that i not vacuum the room for fear of the dust settling on wet or tacky paint.  So i have not touched HIS room since H physically left 12/19.

I guess 30 months is long enough for all the paint to dry, right?

Good for you. He's out the door so no point in reserving room for him in the house, let alone in your head... . If he wants to come back someday, he will try. The fact that you cleaned up the sitting room will not make a difference... except to YOUR quality of Life in the mean time...

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Ursa,
your words are so true.  I think it took me so long because i felt and probably still feel if i touch his left behind items i will close the door to his return. You are correct in that cleaning, moving, touching H's left behind items will not affect his decision or mine one way or another.

Needed to hear those words,
5hil

[MomOfSteel]

It’s hard to change those things that were steady in our lives even if it’s a room full of art supplies.  My best friend flew out right after H moved out.  She forced me to reclaim the space that he had been using and rearranged furniture and stuff.  At first I didn’t want to, his closet would still be empty if left to my own devices but reclaiming it for me had been good.  Claiming the office and changing it has been good.  It can all be undone if he ever actually returns (and I take him back, not sure on that one) but for now it is my space.  She watched her mom go through this 5 years ago and her tough love has been exactly what I’ve needed. 

[5hilmerton]

Thank you L and B for your message. I am glad that worked for you and it made it easier.  I am a bit hard headed and move at my own pace. My adult children have said let's put this stuff away.  But they do not live with me and i feel i will take back my space as needed when i am ready.  All in time as i inch through this Journey.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

It's May and i am enjoying adding color into my gardens.  A lot has been going on in my household.  My oldest has been living with me since accepting a position here in the US.  She flies back and forth to Italy and her husband and daughter fly here as often as possible.  It's tough on them and their stress often over flows.  Thank goodness for my love of being outside.

My SIL's job in Italy offered a significant payout for volunteers to leave their company.  SIL applied and was approved after about 5 months. So my daughter and family will be moving back to the US.  They will stay with me until SIL finds a job and they stabilise.  I am glad to help and have family close.  I have gotten used to coming and going on my own.  But until they purchase a car they will need to share mine.  SIL always wants to help and is very sincere.  The thing is i have to teach him everything.  He is a super smart numbers guy.  But not so much a handy man.  Their last visit he came downstairs asking for tape.  Something told me to question his request.  He told me he needed to fix the toilet since it was not shutting off.  As u can imagine i went upstairs to see what was going on.  He had removed the toilet float valve and had tried to block the area where the flap seals with a shampoo cap and a hair elastic.  I asked him what he was he trying to do.  He says "oh i have the same problem in Italy and this is how i fix it.". After my initial frustration was under control i asked him to please let me know before he implements his creative fixes.

Living with adult family will certainly have it's challenges but i look forward to this next step in life.  Not sure if i mentioned my S33 will have his second son the end of this year.  Looking forward to my third grandchild.and

Hapy Mothers Day to All
5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

Happy to hear that you are doing well and your daughter’s family are moving back to the US. I am sure it will be nice to have them close, especially when they are back living in their own.

Have a Happy Mother’s Day!

HF

[5hilmerton]

Hey HF,
thank you for reading my post.  Thank you for the kind Mothers day wishes.  How are you doing?

5Hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

Well, I am starting a new job and also found a new place to live for my kids and me.  Overall I am doing well.  Will be providing an update on my thread later this weekend.  Detaching as best as I can as I deal with my XW’s MLC.

So glad you are doing well.

HF

[5hilmerton]

HF,
glad to hear about the new job and new place.  Looking forward to your updates.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

I had a wonderful Mothers Day.  I have always been well celebrated and this year all of my children and one grandchild was present.  It's no secret that i love my flowers.  My S33 gave me a dozen red roses.  The kids usually give me flowers and i immediately start looking at the ones that are the most beautiful.  However this time i immediately fell in love with all of them.

After church i was thinking about those beautiful red roses and why they touched me so much.  It then dawned on me...My H gave me Beautiful Red Roses for every special event.  I spent some time tearing up in the church parking lot while i text my son how grateful i was for the beautiful Red Roses.  Wiped my tears and drove home and enjoyed an amazing Mothers Day.

Hope everyone had a pleasant weekend.
5hil

[UrsaMajor]

Oh boy... One first class seat on the bus to Hades for me because.... well...

At the description of the "creative" fixing of the toilet, all I can say is "Cleanup on aisle 5!"

[5hilmerton]

Ursa,
thanks for the smile.  Yes SIL is quite creative and luckily i have been behind him for the most part.  Like when he pulled the manual release instead of pushing the button for the garage door.
Did not tell me until i could not get my car remote to work.  Or trying to use a drill to install a lock on the bathroom door and made the trim look like woodpeckers had attacked. Stripped the screws and had to walk away leaving the installation incomplete.

5hil

[UrsaMajor]

I maybe dating myself but do you know the old TV show "Home Improvement?"

[5hilmerton]

Ha ha Ursa,
I do for sure.

5hil

[5hilmerton]

I have read there will be a time when i will not think about H everyday.  BD 5/19, I am not there yet.  Every morning i wake up give H some thought and then start my day.  Most days it's very quick and then i move on.  Some days it's with tears and then i move on.  This morning it was with tears but i realized it was not tears of missing him.  I believe it was tears of how could you do this??? 

I used to think if ever H came back into my life i would find a way to forgive him.  Now i wonder what i would do or say if i ever see him again.  I know my feelings for H are folded up and stored in my back pocket.  But everything has a shelf life.  Anyway just jotting down my thoughts and feelings for the day, hour, minute.

I have cleaned the flower beds, trimmed back the perennials, planted the annuals, cut the lawns and opened the pool. A lot of work but I am quite proud of how beautiful everything looks.  Got into the pool yesterday and right away i could see patches that i had missed in the yard and the pool.  Oh well it was Sunday my day of rest.

Enjoy your season,
5hil

[xyzcf]

I have read there will be a time when i will not think about H everyday.  BD 5/19, I am not there yet.

That is true for some people but not for everyone. BD7/09 and I still think about him everyday and even in the middle of the night. There really isn't anything I can do to stop my subconscious from remembering. I accept that and actually have decided that dealing with those thoughts is what my mind needs to do.

Some people do not think about them at all. WE are all very different and we all had very different marriages.

I am doing tons of yard work too and love getting my hands dirty! Enjoy your gardens!

[Dragonfly33]

We have to the same Timeline 5hil and like you, I think of my H every day. Most days I missed him, some days I hate him for hurting me like this. There are also days when I feel like I’m ready to move on and then the following day I am not. The last couple of days I feel giving up esp now that I saw a new Ow. There are also days where I am scared to move on without him. Scared about the future. I just told my mom today, I want to go home and leave everything behind. Days like these when I want to escape and wish the pain would go away. All of the veterans said it will get better and I ask myself when does it get better. Sometimes I have regrets marrying him, but what does it help? I cannot turn back time. We are forced to face the painful truth that our H chose to sabotage not only our marriage but also us. And that is so difficult to accept.

[FaithWalker]

5h, I hope you are doing well.  Has your SIL and D found a place of their own yet?  Your SIL's creative "fixes" had me giggling.

I had an issue with my M while I was traveling.  I had shown her how to turn on the cooler before I left.  I knew she would need a reminder because the first time she tried, she used the thermostat for the heater and I had to explain that we have a swamp cooler and there is a special switch for it.

While I was away, she remembered that it was in the closet, but she didn't remember that it was a black switch on the wall that could be off/low vent/high vent/pump only/low cool/high cool.  I had told her that up was off and down was low cool and those should be the only options she would need.  Instead, she had gone into the breaker panel on the wall and flipped the one marked "cooler", resulting in turning the breaker switch off to the cooler.  I was taking a tour in Salzburg when she texted to say that she needed the number of my fix-it guy to come help.  Thankfully, I was able to figure out what she had done and walk her through switching the breaker back on and then turning on the actual cooler.

I was a bit exasperated, but love her dearly, so my exasperation was very short lived.  I imagine that is similar to yours with your SIL?   

Your yard and flowers and pool sound lovely.  I bet they are.  We have had some very strange weather this year.  High winds and still some snow.  So we have held off planting our flowers just yet but I am hoping to do that during this long weekend.

[5hilmerton]

Father's Day Continues...i did not realize Father's Day is a trigger for me.  I guess i knew i would miss his presence.  But i had forgotten the first monster that i saw a blazing was on Father's Day the year he left.  I did not know anything about MLC and will forever be shocked.

I cooked a meal and took it to my son's house.  My son is a fine father and number 2 is on the way.  We celebrated Fathers Day with two of my three children present.  They casually would share memories of their father as it related to what they were talking about.  Almost like he has passed not just walked away. All in all it was a day to celebrate my son and enjoy family time.

Hope everyone's Father's Day was good,
5hil

[Phoenix]

I truly understand. My BD was on Father's Day 12 years ago though we did not divorce until six years later. I was happily grilling Father's Day dinner, with our daughter putting the final touches on her gift wrapping for daddy when one of my best friend's husbands started beating on our front door and yelling. Long story short, two of the people I loved and trusted most (my husband and "dear friend" ) were betraying me and her husband. To say the world imploded, and that my daugher and I were shattered, is a monumental understatement. My exH was a complete vanisher, not one look back, not even for the daughter he had always seemed to love so much. On her next birthday, she will have lived half of her life without any contact from her father at all.

Our story could have had a tragic ending, but it didn't. There was no reconciliation, he may well still be with the OW (I'm not wasting my energy on their lives when I have my own to live), we had to sell our family home and live a much-reduced standard of living, and my daughter and I had to fight for every inch of progress and healing, but we are still standing...not for him, but for US. And this year, as I visited my now grown daughter in the city of her dreams, with a graduate degree, a career she is passionate about and a very healthy relationship of her own, we toasted each other on Father's Day and how far we've come individually and together. We laughed, we enjoyed the day fully, we made new memories.  We didn't revist the past or talk about exH. We embraced where we are and what we want for our lives going forward.

It has not been an easy road by any stretch and for a time, the impact of her father's full abandonment, threatened to also tear my daughter and I apart. The parent who stays, often takes the brunt of the hurt and anger, at some point, but my daughter is the hill I will die on so I kept the faith and here we are, in a new stage...two adults, separate and independent with our own lives, and yet unbreakable in our resolve and our love for each other.  Father's Day can, indeed, be a big trigger for anyone going through MLC with children, but continue as you have been focusing on your children and your son and son-in-law as fathers. They deserves that. You all do. Don't let any day or date be taken from you or your family as a negative reminder. Every day is precious.

I thought my life would look very different at this age and stage, but life seldom follows our preconceived narrative. What would the fun be in that?  We grow most in the worst of times. Like your garden, may this be your season to bloom into your own fullness, discover and celebrate parts of yourself and your strength you didn't know existed, choose what you want this time in your life to be for YOU. Trust that it will all be okay in the end regardless of what happens with your husband. You were a whole happy person before him and you will be with or without him. There are many worse things than living on your own and always stay mindful that we get the love we think we deserve, so want only the best for yourself at all times. You deserve nothing, and no one, less.

Wishing you only the best,
Phoenix

[UrsaMajor]

I truly understand. My BD was on Father's Day 12 years ago though we did not divorce until six years later. I was happily grilling Father's Day dinner, with our
 <...snip...>
your own and always stay mindful that we get the love we think we deserve, so want only the best for yourself at all times. You deserve nothing, and no one, less.

Wishing you only the best,
Phoenix

No further words from me needed - just a GIF

[5hilmerton]

Thank you Phoenix for sharing your power and strength with your words.  It's odd that one can take solace with another's pain.  I truly appreciate your words, my H is a Vanisher too, although after 3 years he just connected with my S33 and they spent some time in Cancun with my Son's family. 

I am an only child and enjoy my time in my garden.  The thing is i need to stay busy or i do over think.  Thank you again for your encouraging words and a reality check on life path that has taken a turn.

5hil

[MadLuv]

Your fathers day celebrating your son sounds perfect. It’s a wonderful thing having grown children with their own children. I have one GS7 and he I watch him while school is out and I often look at him and wonder how his GF has chosen not to be in his life except a couple times a year now. It hurts my heart, but makes me appreciate that I get to see him and bond and love him. It is what life is about.

[5hilmerton]

It's been a bit but i am still here.  I have been reading more then posting.  Some of the post have been sooooo long that i find myself impatiently scanning through them.  Not sure why, there was a time i could read these post for hours.

My family from Italy will be here this week.  Although i am very excited to see them come, i know things get broke when they are here. Not just a glass or two, i am talking toilets, garage doors, etc.

My H's family always reaches out to me on social media.  In the same way as they always did, the only difference, they do not tell me to say hi to H.  In our culture we always end a written post or message with, God be with u, say hello, kisses, take care, see you soon, hugs, etc.  H's younger brother always post very kind, thoughtful and spiritual comments.  He tags me a lot and sends me comments about great artists or plants and herbs.  I posted a picture of my flowering Yucca and he commented on my dedication and love for plants.  He mentioned that the love i show the plants they repay me with their beauty and aroma.  I get these kind of comments from H's cousin's, nieces and nephew's too, so it is not on H's younger brother. I say this because i don't believe there is anything suspicious with his comments.  H is a vanisher, BD 5/19, so i don't know what compelled me, i thanked BIL for his kind words and said, if you see my husband tell him i said hello.  Must say i don't know where that came from.  But i said it and BIL did not reply, he rarely does, so i just let that go.

Well that's how things are going in my world.  Hope everyone is enjoying their seasons.
5hil

[5hilmerton]

Quick update,

So my BIL actually commented back to me.  He said.."I will tell him hello from you.  But I don't even know where he is living.  He comes by maybe once a month and says hi.  He really doesn't tell me anything.

There it is,
5hil

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi 5hil,

Too common when MLCers keep their lives hidden from their family in addition to us.   I can’t imagine having a secret life.  Hope you enjoy your time with your family from Italy.

HF

[MadLuv]

My XH has been remarried a year this ween and he has yet to tell anyone but our daughter. His life is with OW and her children only. No family or friends. Everyone has been cut out. I can’t imagine living in that bubble

[5hilmerton]

Hey HF, MadLuv, love that u respond,
H was always stupid secretive/private. He did not even like us to speak too loud in public. I agree living in the secret bubble life has to be very difficult.  I always believe that if H does not speak to me at least he is not lying to me.  It all hurts but the lying is one of my greatest challenge to forgive.

Italian family did not make it in due to not enough flights out of Rome.  So will try again end of August.

Take care everyone,
5hil

[Dragonfly33]

5hil it's nice to hear un update from you. Sorry to hear that your family didn't make it. I hope they'll do in August. There's too many people travelling in Europe now as it's the summer break and the flights are extremely expensive.

H was always stupid secretive/private. He did not even like us to speak too loud in public. I agree living in the secret bubble life has to be very difficult.  I always believe that if H does not speak to me at least he is not lying to me.  It all hurts but the lying is one of my greatest challenge to forgive.

My STBX is the same as yours. He's so obsessed about privacy, even from me. He would be angry when I used his computer or anything that belonged to him. It was like that at the beginning of our marriage. Then it got a bit better but he would make a big fuss still about it. He said his things are his things. I was also not aloud to speak loud in public. We had to almost whisper at each other when we were in a restaurant. I could not be myself or I could not laugh out loud especially if we are in public places. My H used to be a clinging boomerang, and since he met the very young OW3 he's become a vanisher. He would answer if I called him or emailed him. But I only contacted him at the time due to administrative issues. I stopped contacting him for almost 5 months now I think and I haven't heard anything from him.

Like you I am having a hard time forgiving him, not just the lying but also the cheating. Maybe one day, we will be able to forgive our Hs.

[5hilmerton]

Hey Dragonfly,
I forgot we have the same BD date. It does sound like our H's have similar quirks. My H did not like anyone to touch his things either.  He really did not like when i asked too many questions of a sales person or server.  It embarrassed him for some reason. Not really a big deal he really did not have a lot of things we wanted or needed to touch.  I dunno about the forgiving my H, but he and i are a lot older than u.  I really do not have it in me to hate or even be angry for the rest of my life.  I guess if i ever get there i will see how i cross that bridge.

Take care
5hil

[Biscuit]

Funny how you guys were talking about MLCer not liking us touching their things.
S15 was tonight packing up his laptop and stuff to spend the night at W's house. He put my bluetooth speaker in his backpack and I asked if he could leave it here as there's another one at W's house and it's how I listen to music. He said, "she doesn't like me using it, as she says it's her speaker", so she's like it with her own son too!

I just said, sod it darling, take this one whenever you want, whatever is here you can use and take whenever and wherever you want. He said, "you know what mum is like about 'her stuff'" which obviously I do! I'd never have imagined 5 months ago that W wouldn't want to share  her stuff with her kids....

[FaithWalker]

I hope you are doing well 5hil.  Was your family able to come in August?  I get it about the broken things with family sometimes.  My twin nephews came to visit when they were little and flushed toys down my toilet.  That was a very rough trip.

They are much older now and I've just come from visiting them.  I was sure not to break anything of theirs.   

Oh, but the youngest (8th grade) still ended up getting chocolate on the end of my duvet in the hotel room when they met up with me there.  Just a tiny fingerprint but I sure hope that the stain comes out!

[5hilmerton]

I did not realize that it's been so long since i have posted.  Funny i use so many of the words of support i receive from this FORUM.  I encourage others to seek y'all out because i don't know what i would done without this FORUM.
Biggest reason i have been away is my family from Italy has moved in.  My granddaughter just turned 5 in October.  I was so out of the business of having a full house, toys and disarray everywhere. My granddaughter is the happiest screaming, spoiled child ever.

December will be 3 years since H left, BD 5/19. I have not had any communication with him since March 2022. My Son messages with him on whatsapp. S34 just had my second grandson in November. My DIL was induced a bit early both Mama and baby are doing well and baby is absolutely gorgeous of course.

My oldest D41 who has been super angry with her Dad has been messaging with him.  So that is new, i am suprised but i hope they can continue. My granddaughter has been asking about her grandpa and why he is not here. In the beginning my D41 said her Dad would not have anything to do with her or her family. I don't try to influence our adult children one way or another and i don't ask what is said.

D35 who lost her job due to Covid, went back to school and is now a licensed and practicing esthician. I can never spell that word.  Her business is going slow but they just got a medical Dr. support that enables them to become a medical SPA.

I am in the process of updating my after death documents.  This is difficult at so many levels without H's presence. I just don't want it to be difficult for my children when GOD calls me home. I have not been as active with my ecommerce, i am letting myself get distracted.  I want to get through the holidays and then spend more time figuring out my upcoming year. Well that's a quick update and i will be back soon.

Happy Holidays,
5hil

[MadLuv]

Congratulations on the new baby!!!  So much love you have with your GD and new baby arriving. I also updates my will and went over it with my S29 who I have listed as the executor so that he fully understand a why I made the financial decisions I did. I am also thinking of making a video on it. Hope you family has a wonderful holiday.

[5hilmerton]

OMGOODNESS I hope y'all have not given up on me.  I have been ill on and off and now that i am feeling better i have neglected my personal me time.

I have a house full now that my family has came back to the US. At first the little one, 5 y/o was a bit of an annoyance.  But now I don't know what I will do when they get their own place.  My newest grandson is 4 months now and he is just one happy big smile even when does not feel well.  So the family is doing well and we are all within 30 mins. of each other, we will all be at my house on Easter Sunday.  Well with the exception of one.

H has been reaching out to our son and now our oldest.  I had not heard from H for a year in March.  He actually called and left me a voice mail and then sent me a text.  As usual he needed something but I kept it quick and to the point. His tone and graciousness was like he used to be. Not reading anything into it but at least it was not like a complete alien.  We r at the age that we need to make some long term decisions, so that conversation has begun as I anticipated for this year.

Well that's my quick and dirty for now.
5hil

[MadLuv]

Lots of family is always good!! I can relate on the H contact after a year. Just went through that after 10mth of no contact and XH sounded more like him, but then We had more and more contact and he is still not himself. Still lying ( when not needed) and still just as confused in so many ways. I do think he is making some progress, but not much. So, yes we learn not to read to much into these moments

[Dragonfly33]

I wonder why they continue to lie even though they’re gonna get caught anyway.