[Schratz66]

Thank you Treasure - hug was truly needed.

Thank you XY - you always have a way of calming me down and that was badly needed.

The only good thing about this internal turmoil is that I've been to the gym every single day just to exhaust myself physically so I do not have the energy to wallow. And I realize that the current turmoil is just exaggerated by the loss of my father and accepting that now he will never tell me he loved me. I think when we lose that final parent one goes into freefall because suddenly your 'guaranteed' love and belonging somewhere disappears. It brings up the knowledge that we are next in line for death and what do we have to show for it. And I don't mean material items as that never mattered much to me. And realizing how little time we have left, it makes it more senseless that MLC are wasting years and years of our time together. I just want to rush things along and him finally figure out if he wants to come home or be gone for good. One would think that almost 6 years would be long enough to make that decision. And why sprinkle hope and apologies and I love yous into it if you still have no idea what you want.

I am trying really hard to not reach out.....

[xyzcf]

It brings up the knowledge that we are next in line for death and what do we have to show for it. And I don't mean material items as that never mattered much to me. And realizing how little time we have left, it makes it more senseless that MLC are wasting years and years of our time together.

If you flip this around the MLCer sees time running out and to them , it makes sense that they decide to live and do whatever they please...without a spouse, without responsibilities, to explore different things... and so off they go.

I just want to rush things along and him finally figure out if he wants to come home or be gone for good. One would think that almost 6 years would be long enough to make that decision

.

When we are married, we are perhaps like a train on one track. Their crisis hits and we continue on the track we were both on together and they veer off in another direction. The track they are following is what they want...although they know that the other track exists and they don't forget the good times we had...it's just not as interesting or what they want because time is running out. Yet perhaps there are times when they reach out to us...maybe they have a moment of nostalgia but they stay on the track they are on and might veer off again and again and again...so they are not thinking about making a decision, they are too busy finding life.

We might not think this is "better" than the life we had together..but we are not in their heads. They are listening and enjoying a different tune that what we like.

[Dragonfly33]

Xyzf it’s so true what you said. There are times when I ask myself if my h thought of me and the life we had together. By the looks on his post, you are right. i don’t think I even came across his mind. He seems to be enjoying the freedom he has now, no responsibilities towards a spouse. He is enjoying the life of being a triathlete and having a younger OW on his side who cheers him on. Why would he want to think of that old life.

It’s hard to accept this when you are so involved with your MLC spouse. But once you step back, you will see that they really are on the run. They enjoy what they have now and they will keep on running and find the next thrill to cover up the pain and the fear of getting old.

[Schratz66]

Thank you Dragon and XY...

I feel much better today and am much calmer again...whew.....those unhinged days are exhausting...

If you flip this around the MLCer sees time running out and to them , it makes sense that they decide to live and do whatever they please...without a spouse, without responsibilities, to explore different things... and so off they go.

Very true XYZ....it is a little funny though that the only different thing he chose to explore is the high school sweetheart....lol......it did not work out then and it will not work out now and so not much difference there.....and the whole property nightmare after his father's passing is still as much of a mess as it was 6 years ago.....some days I wonder if he realizes that not much has changed except he picked a different player token.....you'd think he might consider that maybe he is the issue in his unhappiness....lol.

[UrsaMajor]

some days I wonder if he realizes that not much has changed except he picked a different player token.....you'd think he might consider that maybe he is the issue in his unhappiness....lol.

This would, of course, require him to acknowledge and accept responsibility for his choices and actions and that is something that Mid-Lifers are loath to do. As long as they can blame someone/something else external for their unhappiness, all is right in their world. Having to acknowledge/accept that the source of their unhappiness is within themselves would imply that they have real work they need to do and that is a real buzzkill.  It is MUCH easier to keep picking new tokens to play with...

However, a question for you... your wondering if he realizes ANYTHING serves you how? Goes back to "I wonder what green tastes like?"


In the grand scheme of YOUR life, does it really matter if HE realizes anything? If he does, he will and if not, he won't. YOUR life, however, doesn't need to be impacted by or contingent on whether he gets his head out of his ... fog... or not, right?

[Schratz66]

However, a question for you... your wondering if he realizes ANYTHING serves you how? Goes back to "I wonder what green tastes like?"

Thank you Ursa....it does not serve me at all ...I don't know anything in his head nor should I ponder about it nor do I have any control over it.

I had a difficult but very productive therapy session yesterday - many tears were shed a very critical discovery was made. 
I asked my therapist why I had such trouble detaching from MLC when I know logically that I must do so to survive.

She asked what do you fear you will lose if you release him ? My answer: Life

I think it shocked her a little but we dove further into this and due to a messed up childhood and other life factors....the only time I have ever felt alive was with MLC. He was the only person that I ever had that deep connection with and felt seen, and heard, and felt safe to express any feelings, and felt belonging to.

She then showed me Maslow's hierarchy of needs
https://educationlibrary.org/maslows-hierarchy-of-needs-in-education/

I basically only have the bottom layer which is Physical needs i.e. water, food, sleep
In my life I did not have the other layers of the pyramid except during my relationship with MLC.
So, of course my mind refuses to let go of what it considers basic needs which in this case my mind only connects with MLC.

This is truly sad and disturbing but it also explains that I am not just a pathetic clinger ...my messed up mind is convinced that my life depends on that connection.

On the other side we also discovered that the joy and spirit and happiness I felt with him is already in me and I am capable of feeling it - to feel it again I need to find that safety layer elsewhere.  And I thought about that and truly, since MLC left, I have not been able to talk about everything and anything and feel validated with anyone else. Yes, I have friends, and yes, I have a daughter, but I do not let myself be totally me. That connection with MLC is just so easy, so comfortable and so trusting and I have never had that with anyone else.

So, it is not the man I cannot let go, it is the connection....if I can find that connection with another human then I will be able to detach.
Sounds easier said then done but it does give me hope.

Still doesn't make it easier to not reach out like a drug addict and want a fix, but it gives me something to work on

[xyzcf]

Sounds like really good work that you and your therapist are doing.

I do agree, we really do not know what they are thinking/feeling or why they do certain things. There is such limited communication and no real "talking" that trying to interpret anything they do just sends us spinning and that stops us from using that energy in other ways.

I wanted to bring this up:

So, it is not the man I cannot let go, it is the connection....if I can find that connection with another human then I will be able to detach.
Sounds easier said then done but it does give me hope.

I have found, that I have "old" friends in my life that even if I don't see them or speak to them for a long time, when I do get to see them, it's an instant connection ...we "know" one another and it takes no time to reconnect. The intensity of the relationship we had with our spouse is much deeper than with a friend so it's understandable that the connection remains deep within us. Severing that connection totally is unrealistic I think. We might never have physical contact, but for some of us, that connection will always remain (and in some ways we can look at the beauty that was and be grateful for having had that time together).

I don't know if being able to connect with someone else is what is needed to detach..perhaps I misunderstood what you meant.

In talking to others who have new relationships, some say that they still miss their spouse, the man who once was.....

I have really good friendships...but nothing compares to the intimacy of those 32 years. I miss that deeply but I think that my acceptance that he doesn't want me in his life (except on the periphery) and just acceptance that I am on my own (even though that is not what I want) ...it's not easy..I have to work on being ok with the ways things are....I stay in touch with other long time LBSers and it often comes up..life is good but it isn't what we would have wanted.

Recognizing that we are complicated beings and that many situations in our life contribute to how we respond, how we feel is the way through this.....knowing that we matter, that others love us is vital...but I don't think it can ever again be another person who satisfies that.

Sometimes after therapy sessions that are that intense it does require time to process, time to work through and yes maybe even more tears...and that's ok.

[Treasur]

Well, that sounds like a bit of an eye-opener session 

The only thing I’d suggest is trying to a bit kinder in the language you use in talking to yourself about yourself? I have a friend - daughter of alcoholic parents long since passed - who hates conflict of any kind. And sometimes calls herself weak or foolish bc of it. But not so long ago, she briefly described a memory from when she was about 9 - one that involved two drunk parents, her father trying to strangle her mother and knocking her across the room into the budgerigar cage when she tried to pull him off. And the most vivid bit of her recollection almost 60 years later was how frightened she was that her pet budgie was hurt….

Doesn’t it make such a lot of sense that conflict would be a life threatening thing in that little one’s head? Just bc mindsets that served us as small humans, that might even have helped us survive, are no longer so useful to us as grown ups doesn’t make us messed up or stupid or foolish….just works in progress imho. And those inner children of ours deserve kind words even more perhaps

[UrsaMajor]

Ah yes. Good old Maslow....

It can become quite an eye-opener when it is laid out in such simple terms as a pyramid. But, the first step was in the realization that you DO have the ability for connection and joy WITHIN you, independent of the Mid-Lifer. Now the challenge is to access it and use it for your own good and benefit....

Hard work but SO well worth it.

Hats off to you!

[Schratz66]

When they say MLC can give you whiplash they are not kidding.....
So, he (as XYZ called it) send another mail saying that he is overwhelmed and busy at the moment but still would love to go on a date but it might be several weeks and if I could not wait it's ok if I move on (what the heck and where has he been for almost 6 years when he did not care if I moved on or not...lol). He said he has no idea where his head or heart is because he is just worried about the property but he would still like to see me. He said he has to warn me though that he is currently drinking heavily on a daily basis and that maybe I should just run.

So I suggested the middle of March after he retires and he said that sounded good if he were to make it. I asked ....'make it'...as in not showing up or as in dying.....he said the stress might kill him. My reply was that I hope he does not die but if he did I want him to know that I think he is a wonderful human and that I never stopped loving him. To which he replied: I will always love you.

I did not ask about OW - as to me she does not matter - what was odd about this exchange was that for one he considered me moving on and that he volunteered the drinking situation that he wanted me to be aware of before agreeing to wait and that it was the third time him 'wanting' to take me out.....

A positive exchange I thought - the drinking does scare me because a) his health and b) I never liked him drunk drunk....but I am willing to see what happens if we actually do go out. I have no intentions of talking about 'us' unless he brings it up but just have a nice evening out with light hearted conversation.

I felt good and calm....until this morning.....because my mind and those darn pesky monkeys........what if he meant the 'I will always love you' as a platonic not wanting to be mean expression.... so, now the monkeys are roaming freely in my head and what was a calm good exchange has me tore up as much as a disappointment would have.

Is it normal that good or bad exchanges just get those monkeys stirred up ? I am sure I am overthinking it way too much and I am hoping to simmer back down by this evening......