[Dontgiveup]

I don't know that this is advice, but it is input from my situation and my friend's situation.

He has not physically seen his ex-wife in nearly two years.  They have communicated by e-mail or by phone, probably once every 3 months on average.  About two months ago, she started pursuing my friend again (she is still married to other man).  In her most recent e-mail, she indicated a good possibility that her marriage to other man is going to end in divorce and she has a desire to start reconnecting with my friend.

In my own situation, my wife also divorced me and is seeing another man.  My ex-wife and I see each other briefly about once every two weeks or so.  It's a little hard on me to see her that often, especially since she's in Replay right now.  She is very friendly toward me, but is obviously in a "hurry" to get away from me when we do see one another.  It would be easier on ME emotionally not to see her that often, but I do want to "pave the way".

My point is this......I wouldn't be overly concerned about losing contact for several weeks or more at a time if that's the way it's happening.  My friend's situation has shown me that not being in regular contact is not something to be overly concerned about.  Whether you are in regular contact or not, as this website says, MLC takes time.

My friend's ex-wife has done what we hear about so much.  Started with e-mails asking about friends and family, then she started giving subtle hints that her "new life" wasn't going so well.  And, most recently has actually mentioned the word "divorce" about her current situation.

The MLCer needs time.

[Voyager]

DGU
That helps a lot, I see what you're saying with the different sitches, perhaps an extra shot of nerve is needed to make sure you don't blink first...guess what I failed that test today. Only a one line very bland phone message, a sort of touch and go, perhaps I shouldn't experiment on myself!! Wish i'd read your post before i sent it. 

[Dontgiveup]

In my opinion, the fact that MLC takes time is one of, if not the, most important thing to keep in mind for the LBS.  It ranks right up there with not showing anger toward the MLCer.

My friend's situation has shown me clearly that MLC does follow a process.....and it almost always passes, but it takes lots of time.  My friend did a good job of detaching.  He RARELY contacted her, and did not initiate any contact after she married the other man.

Over the past 3 months, SHE has been the one in pursuit (yes, while still married to OM, ...and no, he doesn't know she's thinking of divorce)  I am reminded of Jim and Sally Conway's book "Women in Midlife Crisis" where it talks about a simplified 3 part process of MLC.  In part 1, denial and anger are present and tension begins to build.  Part 2 is the dramatic part, which includes all the "running away" things like OM/OW and possible divorce, and in part 3, he talks about a GRADUAL return very similar to their old values and beliefs.

[leftylulu]

I've been thinking about you today V about all this I too seem to get antsy and want to see where he is in this process but I remind myself no matter what I do it will not change things in his world. I have to leave that up to him and have faith and belief that he will pull through this. I deeply care for this man and want happiness for him, even if it isn't with me.

My MLC'er lives less then a mile from me and it takes everything I have some days to not go sneak over to see if he's home or been home as he doesn't stay at his house much (past sneaking around). I found that every time I do that it sends me into a tailspin. It doesn't bother him because he doesn't know I came by. Before I do this anymore I ask myself what will it do to me or can I emotionally handle his rejection or his reactions? I usually say NO I don't want to deal with it.

Another thing I do when I get tempted is to start reading the articles again. This is such a good reminder that about this whole process. This all takes time and I go find something else to do, usually napping is good. I find I have more negative feelings or my own insecurities pop up when I'm tired. That is the joy in all this, I get to nap, gather my strength so to speak as this is not even close to being over. If he starts to reappear I will need strength to finish the journey.

Take care of yourself Voyager, take a nap, enjoy the solitude as this may not last either. Hugs 

[in His hands]

Oh DGU, thankyou for posting!  I really needed the encouragement, and insight you offered.  It made a HUGE difference in my day!
Voyager, I forgot to mention that H also sent an apology to our youngest son.  (Son named grandson after H but has had nothing to do with H since BD.)  It was supposed to be an apology to our son but throughout the whole letter H BLAMED my son!  I think that was the last straw for son.  He threw the "apology" in the garbage.  It was the strangest thing I'd ever heard.  Things would be fine if it weren't for son.  He's been there for son and H can't believe he won't be there for him.  H would give son a chance to repair relationship.  H would forgive and forget.  It went on and on.  ...it was beyond words.  It was all about poor, little H, and how hurt H was.  My son was laughing when he read it to me because it was so ridiculous. Oh, and I also wanted to remind you that I already was a guinea pig of sorts.  Sent a Father's Day e-mail; no reply, and had to call him about a check he forgot to sign when he deposited it in the bank; he was not nice.  I've learned my lesson...  Let us know how your H responds to your e-mail.  My contact was over a month ago but I wish I had read Dgu's post first also.  Oh well, we live and learn...  I'm just grateful for the information and encouragement on this thread.  Maybe RCR will dig up more information on vanishers.  I need all I can get.   God Bless!  iHh   

[Voyager]

Thanks everyone,
It's so hard not to weaken!! And in some ways, because they're vanishers there is that feeling that if nothing else the odd message at least shows them you're still alive.
That's the fear, that you sort of get airbrushed out of their lives. With other types of MLC'ers, it's hard but at least you know they are thinking of you in some way, even though it's negative. With a mine I'm just not sure, which brings its own worries.

I did ask myself why I sent it. I don't expect a reply, I just wanted to let him know i was still here and I am thinking of him.
 I wonder if with Vanishers they can tell themselves that we aren't, simply because they don't contact. Perhaps it makes it easier for them to make assumptions that we don't want them, even though it's they who've vanished. I guess I wanted let him know that there is a choice for him, even if he doesn't want to exercise that choice yet.

[ece711]

I'm so glad that this thread was started...  just like DGU and his friend my ex-wife is a vanish-er.  The last time I actually saw her was during my children's Parent teacher meeting Last Sept 09.  Since then the only contact is about the kids.  Obviously being divorced I no longer can react on what she's doing with her social life.  The "friend" that she is seeing right now is the OM.  Her filing for the divorce quickly is also to avoid any accusations from our common friends and relatives that would view her actions as the cause of the breakdown of our marriage.   Just like everyone here I was told that it was all my fault.  We have lost our home to foreclosure along this MLC event.  I am now at a state of peace in all of this...  I can accept that whether we call it MLC or just plain old "her falling out of love" with me, as "it is what it is".  I have to reach the point where I have to also start my healing process, you have to let it go and see what God's plan is for you.  There will come a time when the tables will turn.  MLCers seem to have a radar, they know if you are still the one in persuit of them.  What we call in this site as "outlasting their MLC", I call it "living your life".  Signs from God is very subtle and if you occupy your mind with too much worries about your partners actions/words you might not hear it (the key is to Trust God).  And for those VANISHERs this is when you know tables are going to be turned:  A time will come when the LBS will get stronger by themselves, so this time the MLCers have to race against that time.  If you read DGU story about his friend in another thread here, it mentioned that his friend didn't know about MLC, his friend took his divorce at face value.  No over analyzing, which resulted in him being detached.  Look who's running after who now.  What I want to know from DGU is, your friend obviously is aware that his ex-wife is married, which means his ex-wife is now committing adultery to her current husband, what does he think in all of this?  How often do they communicate now that he knows he is being persued?

[Dontgiveup]

ece711

You ask a good question regarding my friend's current contact with his ex-wife (who is still married to the OM).  He and I have discussed this quite a bit and it has weighed HEAVILY on his mind.

He struggled from a moral and belief standpoint on what to do when she sent him an e-mail earlier in the summer.  He struggled on deciding what to do bad enough that he didn't respond to it for about 6 weeks.  He finally decided to respond with something VERY basic and short.....something like  "I got your e-mail.  Good to hear from you.  Hope you are well."

She responded to his response almost immediately and said how happy she was that he responded.  My friend figured after that, he probably wouldn't hear from her again for several months.....after all, that's how things had gone for two years.

She then sent yet another e-mail, and it asked questions about family and friends.  My friend responded by answering the questions.  He was.....and really still is.....struggling about the contact without her current husband knowing.  He wasn't sure if he should just not respond to her e-mails anymore, or if he should tell her that he didn't feel right about it.  Then....boom....the recent e-mail shows up where she discloses that things are not great and gives a hint that divorce may be a future possibility.  He has not responded, but in her e-mail she said she would be back in touch.

My friend will be VERY cautious.  He is one of the most patient people I have met.....and has been an inspiration to me in dealing with my MLC ex-spouse.  He will NOT proceed with her until she is divorced (if she follows through) and he feels comfortable that she is emotionally and spiritually healthy enough to be in a relationship.

[Courageous wife]

Reading your post DGU and RCR's newletter... it seems the best way to handle a vanisher is to leave them alone?   I had spoken with a coach a couple of times awhile back and both times she suggested reaching out in small ways whether it was to ask for help with a repair or invite to a family thing.  NOw that H lives with OW, I am not sure that would be a good idea.  H has basically gone dark on me, since the infamous "dog bowl incident" 4 weeks ago so I have been mirroring him and been totally dark too.

I do occassionally have to contact my H about the kids or our rental house stuff but am otherwise dark.

[Voyager]

Hi all,
In another thread RCR wondered about low and high energy types in relation to vanishers.
Feel a bit of a fraud on here at the moment as my MLCer popped out this week, but I guess by next month he'll have officially vanished again.
I'm not sure yet, but I think my vanisher is low energy, he's displayed a few high energy moments but by and large it's all been on "mute"
I do wonder if for some vanishers the disappearance is about maintaining a facade or perpetuating the bubble they're in. My vanisher hasn't had much contact with anyone either friends or family.
Perhaps it's because the longer they disappear from view the easier it is to not face reality?? And perhaps low energy types are more prone to secrecy?
Just throwing it out there for debate and hopefully help RCR too. xx