[Atari25]

So hard to understand how she is ok living alone in an apartment in another city while we all go on as a family. I found it really tuff this holiday weekend.  I can't imagine how messed up she must be to continue to live away from us. 

Hi,
There's a very good chance of another man in her life. It would be her most guarded secret. Her mind is in the fog clouding her judgement. Shes in anguish and pleasure seeking. She doesn't know what she wants, just what she doesn't want ... which is you and the old life. Its not even her choice. She's been taken over  by the MLC and there's nothing you can really do to help her through it but keep to the 180. Time and space is your friend. Best to find your happiness without her and behave like a family of three. It is a very long and slow process and you can and will drive yourself crazy. I went through all this 14 years ago. Saved my marriage for another 6 years and she ultimately ended it and married the other man. I'll be divorced 8 years in 2024 and couldn't be happier. My life's a literal party now.

There's a ton of great advice on this board. Keep reading and journaling. and remember you are in charge of your happiness.

Interestingly she texted me this morning wants to talk tonight so she is coming over. I have not actually seen her in person for over 3 months now. My anxiety levels are through the roof as I don't know what she is going to say to me. Another man? Wants a formal separation now? No idea.  Horrible feeling right now but I realize we should talk at some point. I'm almost certain she is not in a place where she wants to work on our marriage so I'm guessing it's not going to be good news. No matter what I need to stay calm I know that....

I appreciate your thoughts STP - She could very well be with another guy. I know she parties a lot with her golf friends, who knows what's happening there.

[Treasur]

I’m sorry for that shot of anxiety. Horrible feeling, isn’t it? Never felt anything like it before BD but fortunately it’s a long time since I’ve felt anything like it since too.

Try to do something, ideally physical, to get the anxiety out of your body. Go for a run, a long walk, dance in the kitchen - doesn’t matter, just give your system a way to vent it. As my gran used to say, better out than in!

And keep your expectations minimal, one way or the other. Maybe even assign a time limit like 30 mins to hear her out and then have someplace else you have to be or something else you have to do. Doesn’t have to be the truth but it will give you a small sense of control and time to breathe after she says whatever she wants to say. Fwiw - can’t remember many of these ‘I’m coming round to talk’ moments (and lots of us LBS had them and felt how you feel) being particularly enlightening. Or even as big a deal as your nervous system thinks lol. Sometimes it is….more often it’s just more of the same or bc they want something from you.

So, easily covered in 30 minutes if she’s talking and you’re just listening, and then you have already built in a ‘time to think about what you said’ space afterwards. Bc hyper vigil isn’t nervous systems make us a bit prone to reacting before we think so it’s good to give yourself time and reasonable to require it. That will be as true if it is some big announcement on her part, positive or negative from your PoV, or if it is just a dollop of sadz she is wanting you to mop up or a demand for money or for you to fix some other problem she doesn’t like about the current situation. Hear her out, don’t react at the time, say ‘thanks for telling me x, I’ll take a bit of time to think about it and get back to you in a few days but I have to go now’ and show her the door.

[Atari25]

I’m sorry for that shot of anxiety. Horrible feeling, isn’t it? Never felt anything like it before BD but fortunately it’s a long time since I’ve felt anything like it since too.

Try to do something, ideally physical, to get the anxiety out of your body. Go for a run, a long walk, dance in the kitchen - doesn’t matter, just give your system a way to vent it. As my gran used to say, better out than in!

I took your advice and went for a walk in the mall before I came home to see her. It's definitely helped a little. Good idea!

So as expected she dropped the legal separation bomb.

She said this is what she wanted but I asked her if this is really what she wanted and that she was happy. She then said 3 times "I'm trying to be happy". A lot of strange things came out of her but that struck me,  She did expand on this thought and said "I'm happy sometimes and not happy other times - I'm trying". I said again she should go see a therapist - maybe I shouldn't have but she has a lot unresolved issues from childhood and beyond. A lot of tears.  She actually didn't have a ton to say, only that this separation "had been a long time coming" and that "she was sorry". I told her to do what she thought she had to and that while the door is open, she had to want to come back and I know she is not there.

When she left she was in full tears and she gave me the tightest hug I have had in years. I was really taken back. So hard to read her and so much confusion in her thoughts. I am 99% sure her single friends are prompting her to push forward with legal separation - then divorce but there is nothing I can do to stop it all if it's coming. You have to wait one year before filing for divorce in Canada. I just said ok to everything... I guess I now wait for the next shoe to drop.

[Treasur]

Glad the walk helped.
Have you already taken legal advice about what a legal separation means in practice and requires from you? If not, that’s probably a priority. Getting the info gives you time to think about it and consider how you want to tackle that.
I’m sorry bc I know it wasn’t what you wanted to hear but you may find that it breaks the sense of limbo too. 

I wouldn’t ascribe too much into her tears or hugs tbh. MLC or not, these kinds of conversations are emotional for everyone involved to some degree, right? Keep reminding yourself to focus on her feet not her mouth.

[STP]

I wouldn’t ascribe too much into her tears or hugs tbh. MLC or not, these kinds of conversations are emotional for everyone involved to some degree, right?

So right Treasur. Just remember Atari25 she's in a lot of confusion/pain and there's nothing you can do about it. She is having to justify everything in her mind and to everyone. She doesn't want to hurt you, she just will, as her needs come first and you're preventing her from her unhindered joy... blame shifting of course. I would be shocked if there wasn't another man in the picture. Having you step aside (unwillingly or not) frees her self-judgement on herself to freely pursue another relationship. Man, I feel bad for you. It's such a long process. Just keep doing what makes YOU happy. Gotta act like she doesn't exist. And of course don't reach out to her. Let her initiate all conversations. Gotta start living like you were before you met her. Sad but true. Keep exercising and eating. I lost 40 lbs on the anxiety back then.

[Atari25]

Glad the walk helped.
Have you already taken legal advice about what a legal separation means in practice and requires from you? If not, that’s probably a priority. Getting the info gives you time to think about it and consider how you want to tackle that.

I wouldn’t ascribe too much into her tears or hugs tbh. MLC or not, these kinds of conversations are emotional for everyone involved to some degree, right? Keep reminding yourself to focus on her feet not her mouth.

Please tell me more about the feet? I don't know about this. Or do you mean her leaving the house?

I have consulted with a lawyer but I am not taking any action until I hear from her. I have told the kids I am not making any moves but if she wants to leave then there is nothing I can do.

So right Treasur. Just remember Atari25 she's in a lot of confusion/pain and there's nothing you can do about it. She is having to justify everything in her mind and to everyone. She doesn't want to hurt you, she just will, as her needs come first and you're preventing her from her unhindered joy... blame shifting of course. I would be shocked if there wasn't another man in the picture. Having you step aside (unwillingly or not) frees her self-judgement on herself to freely pursue another relationship. Man, I feel bad for you. It's such a long process. Just keep doing what makes YOU happy. Gotta act like she doesn't exist. And of course don't reach out to her. Let her initiate all conversations. Gotta start living like you were before you met her. Sad but true. Keep exercising and eating. I lost 40 lbs on the anxiety back then.

Thanks STP. I don't think there is another man but there could be, no way of me knowing. Maybe I don't want to know right now.

I never reach out to her ever. I always let he contact me. That's what I was advised to do by friends. Exercise and keeping busy are my priority. Gym is my backup when I have nothing on. Great place to hang when I'm alone. How did you lose so much weight? Or was it the anxiety?

My son is coming back into town for the summer this week - it will be so great to have him here.

[forthetrees]

Feet = actions, mouth = words.