A bit of journaling today.

I have very good days currently and each day I am able to find very good things that I thanks God for. Now my niece is at home as she is making an internship for her studies. It is a bit like having an additional daughter at home. So more talks, more good moments together. D14 has cooked something, again a recipe that she invented (soup of lasagne  ) and again the result was very good. Together with S5 we were in the kitchen and have given a hand (my new pattern since BD) and it was a good moment also. Now D16 is asking for ingredients, she cooks scarcely and is less confident in herself so she cooks by the book (like me). From my side I try more often new recipes out of my comfort zone.

I have seen both spiritual and psychological counselor and it went very well. The spiritual counselor told me several times that my choices are wise. She is not Christian or pro-marriage so she challenged my choice of Standing (why don't you divorce ?), when I explained my position she told me once again that I am wise. I have no more FOO wound or hurting behaviour in mind now, so we agree to not have a new meeting right now. I'll see after New Year whether I'll set up a new meeting. The IC helped me very much to dig deep inside me and I am very grateful. She tells me I look fine, better than 3 months ago, and that she can see from my face and body language that I am serene. The IC has understood from my words that I have dropped the rope, and she asked me whether W is changing accordingly. My answer : I don't know. Actually I see very small signs, but it is too early to jump on conclusions. Good to know the IC believes that W will change, time will tell if she is right and, as I told her, I did not drop the rope expecting changes. It just happened.

The spiritual counselor told me that the daily prayer has changed me, now he has put words on it I see it is true : it changes the way I handle the situations that life is throwing to me. I talked with him about Young Mom, the forum THS and the way I took time and listened to your wise advices. I will continue the work with the spiritual counselor, once a month.

Now we are entered in December. This is a tough month for W : my niece at home is an effort for her, she has the grace to talk with her during our meals ; when my brothers and their big family will come it will become very tiring during some days. December 15th is the 30th anniversary of FIL's death (I told W that I have requested prayer intentions this day) ; December 31st is the 18th anniversary of my mother's death (I will also request a prayer intention).

I think W will stay at home during Christmas time (I am ready for all other possible scenarios btw) and that will be very tough for her . So I have reduced to the minimum the conversation topics and I tell her only once e.g. : "when it is fine for you we can discuss this [important topic for children], if you don't come back to me in 5 days, I'll take the decision that looks fine to me", or "for information, S5 has fever and is coughing, I have given to him [medicine] and he slept well, please keep me informed about his health".

I try to make the Christmas time in family most comfortable for everybody including W, not by walking on eggshells but by acting as if I have an Old Aunt at home. Please don't misunderstand me : W is currently making efforts, not by words but by her actions. As I keep "no expectation" in my policy, I am grateful for her actions. For sure I would prefer to have "words" + "actions", in the present situation I prefer "actions without words" than "words without consistent actions". And I see also that she is listening to me and she takes into account my (few) requests.

Xyzcf is right that there are no magic ‘rules’.
But I think you are looking for them….? That if you have x kind of contact then this ‘thing’ will get fixed. Tbh that’s not an unusual way to think for LBS early on, but not necessarily healthy….it is part of the process of grief and acceptance though.
You will probably do what you do until you see that it is not helping you heal and rebuild  and then you’ll take a different tack.

But just in case…..
Not rules but things to consider as guidelines maybe…..
1. If it feels like contact damages you further or gets in the way of your healing, probably best not to do it. If it sets your brain running or your heart racing or makes it difficult to keep your attention focused on all the other important and joyful bits of life, best to avoid imho.

2. Being divorced against your will kind of implies that - rightly or wrongly - someone has chosen to remove you substantially from their life. It is resoectful to act in ways that acknowledge that. (And borderline stalky to not lol) Whatever you are now, you are no longer her husband or she your wife. That’s a very painful thing to process and accept. And it takes time to do so. And it always comes with a degree of disbelief, denial and bargaining bc that’s how grief and loss evolve….but that can feel very uncomfortable as a place to navigate, which is why we often fight against accepting it imho.

3. If you feel ok to have some contact, the safest way to do it is to mirror back whatever she initiates. Or not. A query about the cat? Send a photo of the cat. A funny meme? Wait a while and reply with a lol. Nothing? Then nothing. A birthday card? Say thanks, and send one for her birthday in return. But all with the guard rail of 1….you prioritise your healing today over your  hope of relationship in future. Always.

But imho, in a way, you are asking the wrong question….
Which is normal too. But not helpful.

The more useful question is about how much you have accepted the realities of where you find yourself and what your real motivation is right now behind any future contact. What are you trying to acheive with any contact you might want to initiate or exoect from anything you respond to or infer from anything she does or doesn’t do about contact from here on? What does being divorced mean to you now, even if it was not of your choosing? Bc there is probably a lot swirling round in your head about that.

So my best advice is to take your time and do nothing at all while you think about that.

Without children or any kind of joint business concern to coordinate on, I don't find I have any reason to contact my ex-wife. Do I hope she's OK? Of course. But there's nothing I can do about that. I said my final piece, that I thought this was a bad idea, before our final divorce mediation. She was sure that I didn't really like her that much, so that was it. The only time she's asked me anything since then was about car insurance, which for some reason she couldn't figure out from the expiration date on the card. This despite her telling me that she was always friends with her exes, or she would probably drunk text me some day. Nope. None of that, no birthday wishes, no Christmas cards, etc.

I've always been polite to her, and I still have the same email and phone number, so she knows how to find me if she really wants to. I feel I made it clear that cared about her, made the most mature exit possible, and there's nothing to be done beyond that. That's what feels right for me, like xyzcf suggests. I also concur about contact possibly getting my hopes up. Whenever I'm envious of those who do hear from their exes, I remember how discombobulating most people here find that. Contact could also be a way to build up tolerance and/or strength, but I feel there are plenty of other ways to do that.

Hang in there.

Yes for I am missing the point. I get the its disrespectful for her to be concerned for the cat and not at all for me. But I understand that’s part of this thing. But if I should not reach out, then fine. I can do that. Must have missed that chapter. Thanks for setting me straight!

You seem to be missing the picture- you don´t keep contact if she stops communication. If she´s done, then you accept done and rebuild your life. If she reaches out randomly for cat pictures you either send a photo, text "Cat is fine." or let her know that you will not be providing cat updates. One day you will see that it is disrespectful for her to inquire about the cat but not give a flyin´ Melinda about you.