Skip to main content

Recent Posts

Our Community / Help Please 5
« Latest by Happylight on Today at 01:29:02 PM »
Loneliness is an odd things for me. I have always been self sufficient but but now I feel lonely.

This is something I struggle with as well.  I wonder if it isn’t truly that you need another person, but more that you have to go through this on your own.  Nobody can walk the path for you and few truly understand. 

On another hand, are you doing  anything to connect with some new people?  This is a hard thing for me-in still trying to figure it out. 
Our Community / Help Please 5
« Latest by Helpnewc on Today at 12:46:11 PM »
A couple of days with no contact has helped.

I know I will have to see her again but hopefully I can make sure it is not for a while. I continue to gather strength.

Loneliness is an odd things for me. I have always been self sufficient but but now I feel lonely.

But I miss my kids. Each day. I am seeing that as growth.

But I will never understand what happened. But I simply need to accept it.
Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by Happylight on Today at 12:24:25 PM »
Journaling a bit...

Several months ago, while praying, I heard a very clear message to "Be Still."  I have been working very hard at that, and for the most part have been pretty successful.  However, as more time passes, and as he seems to move closer to me and the family, it seems like it gets harder. 

As I wrote, last week he bought a new sectional for the house.  This week we had to get a new washer.  He asked me which one I wanted and then ordered it.  He also bought new pillows for the bed at the house--for him and for me. 

Last week he spent Saturday and Sunday (and both nights), this week he came over  Thursday, Friday, and Sunday nights.  He worked from the house on Friday, worked Saturday morning, took me to get a new washing machine, but then left.  He showed up again Sunday morning and spent the day and night.  He spends some of the time at the house playing video games, which is something he did before he moved out, but hadn't done for about 8 months, and he just picked up again in the last month or so.  He also seems to be going to bed at night and getting up earlier.  He was often complaining that he didn't sleep well, and had been having panic attacks, which I think the way he was living was impacting that (routines, habits, and living in ways that were incompatible with his beliefs.). 

He made a statement about getting old and that it sucks.  This seems like progress because he is starting to accept that he is aging and he is being impacted by the aging. 

We seem to be largely past the projection and spewing.  I do know it could return, but it has been a little over 3 months since it last showed.  There have been lots of other little things that have changed and I don't seem to be able to completely detach from what they mean.   I am definitely doing things much different than what I did at the beginning, but it does seem that as soon as I withdrew and was able to detach, he came back started with possible reconnecting behaviors  and threw me off.  I've moved forward with my life, but have not moved on.  I think that as long as I have not moved on, I think I will be impacted by his changes even though at times I wish this was not the case. 

I think he is still in escape and avoid mode, but I suspect spiraling down toward depression and withdrawal.  Although I don't know or see everything (and I've stopped with any additional snooping or investigation), I still see much less of the high energy replay activities, behavior, and attitude.   There seems to be less arrogance about him as well. The bomb drop that I think was the beginning of escape and avoid was about 18 months ago, but the second bomb drop which really brought me into the crisis was about 13 months ago. 

I am trying to hold fast to my routines and changes that have been made in my life in the past year.  I know that I am better for them.  In fact, if I wasn't already married to the idiot for 23 years with history, life, and 3 kids, I wouldn't waste my time on him.  Isn't that crazy?  The Alienator's and the replay behaviors make our MLCers feel more valuable, but in my eyes they are really taking away value. 

Our Community / This is getting tiring
« Latest by FaithWalker on March 03, 2024, 05:28:25 PM »
Dear LITW,
Just checking in with you.  How is your March going so far?
Our Community / J to the B part 3
« Latest by JohnnyBravo on March 03, 2024, 01:53:46 PM »
I was listening to the radio this afternoon, and this song came on with an intro by the artist. She said she was going to therapy to deal with "the big sad," but she kept talking about anything but. Her therapist said, "Olivia, you can't speed this process up, but you CAN slow it down." :)

So there ya go.

Olivia Barton, "Big Sad"
Our Community / Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go
« Latest by Nas on March 03, 2024, 10:28:06 AM »

If he runs away again, ie says he can't live here with us and needs to go away for a few weeks to see his parents again (and flee responsibility etc) and he is not with the AP (it would be hard to see her now without anyone noticing bc she lives in a diff country and we call with cameras on) do they ever just escape and avoid without cheating on you? I am trying to prepare myself that he will come and then he will try hard, and then start to pull away after a few weeks, and then eventually tell me i can't do this and tell me he has to leave /escape the drudgery of our lives again. And it will hurt like a biyatch. This idea of back and forth is horrendous, but I am keenly aware that his 'crisis' ls pretty much for sure, not over.

I will just say this word of caution: never assume that they "can't" do something even if it looks hard-to-impossible from the outside. Affairs such as these don't need the two people to be in the same place for long periods of time. Many an LBS has felt a whole new wave of BD-level shock to find out that the MLCer has been in contact with the AP all along. They seem to acquire CIA level skills when it comes to stealthy secrecy.

I don't say that to dash your hopes.  What I would say, rather than basing any decisions on whether he appears to have severed ties with the AP, base them on the consistency of his words and actions, and on yourself, because our bodies will often try really hard to tell us the things we need to know. His words mean nothing alone.

My advice on sex is combined with your comments on how much it'll hurt if he pulls away again or leaves again. Only you can say how much expectation you might put on it, but the more expectation, the more potential for feeling crushed. So if you can take a very honest look at your own needs and expectations, you can go from there. My humble been there sample of one opinion is it would be emotionally safer if you were at a point where you felt that if he left again, it wouldn't be crushing and wouldn't leave you feeling like you compromised yourself.
Speaking of safety, STDs, as others have said, are a real consideration. I will never forget the moment of having to ask my doctor to test for everything, or the face she made, a silent mix of sympathy and recognition.
Our Community / My new Normal 5.0
« Latest by FaithWalker on March 02, 2024, 09:10:22 PM »
Roo, so nice to read an update.  It's a long road but you are traveling it well.
Our Community / New here, not new to MLC
« Latest by FaithWalker on March 02, 2024, 09:02:46 PM »
I was glad to read an update from you R, but I'm sorry about the newspaper article!  Makes you wish that the newspaper could print a correction that says "....with her 3 month old and fiance, xxx, who was someone else's husband when they got together."


When my exH was running for political office, there were people looking to dig up dirt on him and they would have found out.  I thought about posting to them anonymously but I took the high road.
Our Community / standing on my own two feet
« Latest by FaithWalker on March 02, 2024, 08:55:29 PM »
I don't understand what's happening here?

Our Community / Is this a midlife crisis? What stage is he in?
« Latest by FaithWalker on March 02, 2024, 08:52:09 PM »
How are you doing AW?  Any updates?

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (, and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.