Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: briannamarie2003 on June 16, 2021, 02:50:27 PM

Title: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: briannamarie2003 on June 16, 2021, 02:50:27 PM
My BD was August of 2019, but had been exhibiting replay behavior since 2017. From August 2019 - November 2020 he was at home. He left home December 2020 and didn't return until February 2021 when I found out about his affair.  I thought he was out of the country working but was in fact living and traveling with the other woman during those months. When he returned in February he came clean about the affair. Since then he has been leaving and coming back home. The alienator has been around since before BD. Last month I found out he was moving out of the country and in with her because she bought a house.
Title: Re: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: Ready2Transform on June 16, 2021, 02:54:21 PM
He's in replay, for sure. Focus on you and what his move means for your finances, your emotional health, your family, and well being in general. If you need to consult an attorney, many give a freebie upfront. It's not a horrible idea, even if you don't intend on filing, to know your rights and the reality of the situation legally.

Big hugs and so sorry you are going through this. Many of us have had our spouses take off to live with the alienators in other states or countries, so it's a thing. Know you are not alone.
Title: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: briannamarie2003 on June 16, 2021, 03:03:10 PM
@Ready2Trasnform

Thank you for your response. I have already consulted with an attorney. I thought that maybe he was in liminality since he has displayed a lot of depressive behavior. Even talks about suicide.
Title: Re: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: Thunder on June 17, 2021, 06:45:03 AM
Welcome BN,

I have to agree with Ready on this one.  It sounds like Replay, which can last 2 years or more.

You need to remember MLC is depression.  That's what makes then run away, they will do just about anything to feel better.  That ow is nothing special, she could have been anyone willing to date him.  She may make him feel better for awhile but the depression will still be there.  He can't run from himself forever.

I'm sorry you are going through this dear.  It's a very hard thing to go through, but there is nothing you can do to help or change him.  Just take very good care of yourself.
I would also suggest talking to a lawyer, just to see how to protect yourself, financially.
Title: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 17, 2021, 06:46:04 AM
Hello,

I am so sorry that you are here and the reasons why you are posting. This forum is a great source of advice and support. Read the articles and other threads and you will see some common themes emerge.

Quote
I thought that maybe he was in liminality since he has displayed a lot of depressive behavior. Even talks about suicide.

There is no linear fashion to the stages and even I thought they went through each stage once and moved forward. Instead, they move randomly through moments of intense despair to moments of pure elation. Even though depression is set as a separate stage, depression permeates the entire process. With that being stated, the discussion and talks about suicide should never be disregarded. If he has reached a point where he talks to others about suicide, then he should seek professional help.

Quote
Focus on you and what his move means for your finances, your emotional health, your family, and well being in general. If you need to consult an attorney, many give a freebie upfront. It's not a horrible idea, even if you don't intend on filing, to know your rights and the reality of the situation legally.

This is just great advice. By focusing on you and your recovery from bomb drop and the trauma you've endured, you will be in a better place regardless of the outcomes of his crisis. Self care for you and your family enables you to detach from him and his actions that he chose. Detachment, is finding those moments of bliss without him on the radar. To disconnect the emotional current between both of you so that you are not pulled into his drama and actions.

it seems that he is bouncing between you and the alienator. Just know that when he comes back to you, he is not coming for your needs, but to fulfill some emotional need or desire for him. His emotional crisis creates a self-centered child that attempts to manipulate others to meet his immediate needs. I say attempts to manipulate because while the MLCer thinks he or she is in control, they can be outplayed by the alienator as well. All of this is much more complex than it seems and that is why "stage" watching or focusing on his or her progression is a waste of time, energy, and inhibits your own recovery from the crisis.

Keep posting and remember this is all about your journey.

((((Ready))))

Title: Re: Trying to figure out where my husband is on the MLC scale
Post by: OldPilot on June 18, 2021, 05:30:14 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon