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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas

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My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#40: June 03, 2021, 12:47:05 AM
I’m so sorry, Val. It is the worst of times, we know.....but we also know that bc it is so hideous, other days to come will never be quite as awful as where you are right now. That is the gift those of us further along the path can offer....and I hope you can hold on to that even if you can’t quite believe it. It’s normal and ok to be grieving for the family unit you had....with time i suspect you will find, as others have, that you keep a family but lose a disordered spouse, that your family changes but is not entirely lost just bc your spouse is lost. But I imagine it does not feel that way at all right now.

Is there a date for your h to move out? And if he doesn’t have one, do you? Or how to adapt to living in uncertain limbo while protecting you and your kids from the insanity of it. So, you might want to stop doing things like laundry and dinner....if your h wants to fire you from your wife job, you might find that there are quite a few things that are no longer your responsibility....let him cook his own dinner  :) Bc living like this is hard and tbh risky in lockdown with a h who does not care about increasing the risk to his family. And have you taken some legal advice even if you don’t want to. I’m not sure how the legal system works where you live. It’s not uncommon for these folks to talk a lot about moving out/on and to do very little practically to make that happen. I would be amazed if your h has a grown up plan.

In a strange way, it’s as if these folks - bc they are running on emotion turned up to 11 - kind of feel that saying the words is the same as action, like feeling divorced or wanting to move out for instance is the same as actually getting divorced or finding a new place to live::) but you are a mum and a grown up and a sane adult (if a battered feeling one) so you will have to live in the real world even though your h is not.

They are also imho staggeringly self-centred....like really weird teenagers, worse than teenagers actually, and your h is hanging around with another teenager in ow of course......so I wouldn’t pay too much attention or make assumptions about guilt or concern for the kids or covid even  ::).....money yes, these folks don’t much like grown up predictable consequences like bills and rent and legal fees and child support. Pay more attention to his actions than his words fwiw.....although he believes most of what he says in the moment so you do need to take it as some basic face value re big things like divorce or moving out....but also pay attention to the fact that this is not a good way to live for you or your kids.

But I am so so sorry, we know how hard this is and you might find that all you can do right now is baby steps and take each day at a time. Hell, at one point, I did it by the hour  :) And that’s ok....baby steps are ok, falling over is ok as long as you keep getting up.
Hug from here
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« Last Edit: June 03, 2021, 12:58:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#41: June 03, 2021, 05:36:33 AM
Hey V,

Oh yes, that is soooooo painful..... and soooooo normal too. While it is terrible and makes your mind spin how uncaring it is......... understand it is very typical. So many use those exact words...... it's like they call up the MLC'er hotline and ask what awful thing they can say today.

He's in full meltdown on the inside, trying his best to cover it up and project strength (of which he actually has none). He's using that 18yo to try and cover his own pain, which makes her the chump.

Right here is going to require strength, and you'll find it. It'll hurt real bad, but you'll find it.
They like to think that announcing that it's over is the same as D...... it's not, but they are trying to justify themselves. The thing is: they can't. They think they can in their twisted version of reality but it catches up with them eventually. Right here is where detachment comes in to play and you're going to be forced to detach or be destroyed. Don't worry, we all go thru this. As you face the prospect of detaching, you'll want to rail against it... but you'll be forced to face it and slowly begin to distance. Nothing to be afraid of, and you aren't losing him: you've already lost him: You'll find that as well (slowly). Deep breaths, go slow, be kind to yourself. This is a really, really long process and even though he's lost, you aren't. It'll be awhile before he truly calms down. During that time you're going to face and accept that which is unacceptable, and become strong. The fire in your heart may start to burn low and dim...... don't be afraid. It's not about the brightness, it's that you don't let it go out completely (and that's a choice).

Hold on, this too shall pass. You have friends here.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#42: June 03, 2021, 06:45:59 PM
SS and Treasur, you dont know how thankful i am reading what you said. Makes me feel so less lonely in these endless lonely days. How come there are you people, with their own suffering weighing down their hearts, that can still find enough compassion and empathy to really care for some other unknown painful person halfway around the world? This gives me more hope in humanity and beautiful things in life.

Thank you for telling me to check up on logistics: finance, cooking, laundry, rent, legal... The lucky things are: my own finance is good (saving is enough to cover living expenses for 10-15 years without working), i pay a handsome salary for a live-in maid to help me with most housework and kidcare, and legal things here in my country are no big deal, so luckily not many stresses regarding these issues. I just have to do the mom's work with kids' mental development and deal with my own pain/loneliness, that's so much luckier than many LBSs here struggling to get thru the days financially. And I'm grateful for that.

I told MLC H yesterday: "You're getting lost and your mind is clouded by depression, but only one simple thing you should remember after all: In here there is a home, a woman and two kids who love you look up to you and need you, lots of people your age would die to have that. I'd hold up everything under this roof like that for a while until I cant anymore." I know words dont make a difference for these folks, but I still have to say it anyway before further detachment.
I also enroll in a 6-month course to complete a famous global investment certificate a few days ago, getting this done would help me a lot at work and further money-making and this keeps my mind occupied and prepares for the unknown future.
Another incredible thing is that, I have been a real good sleeper during the last few 7 months except for 4-5 white nights on bomb drops. Wonderful long sleep. Thanks to Saffron, I hope everyone here gives it a try for better sleep and mental condition.
https://www.nutraingredients-usa.com/Article/2020/03/03/Saffron-extract-could-improve-sleep-Study

Today starts well, much better than yesterday. Thank you so much my friends.
With love,
V4
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« Last Edit: June 03, 2021, 07:01:28 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#43: June 03, 2021, 11:26:30 PM
Good news on the financial situation, Val. I know it doesn’t take away the pain or shock but it is one less thing to be anxious about.

And i’m Glad that our posts helped you remember the truth that the world is full of good folks bc that is true even if the world feels like a rather unkind one post BD. :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#44: June 06, 2021, 06:40:48 AM
To update with my friends,
I have a streak of 4 good days. I have been focusing on study for my degree and made great progress. Mood has been good.

In talks with MLC H in the last few days, I pointed out that now I let him make his choice with no pushing, but his choice will define him as a person for the rest of his life:
- If he leaves for another girl, there's no turning back and it means divorce from me, ex-wife will hate him for being a cheater, his kids will hate him for running away from responsibilities, there's no denying that fact, his parents will be in pain, and he will live with guilt all his life.
- If he stays, we will work on him getting back on good tracks (though i dont really trust this)
I could say so because as I watched him sliding down to this low - gambling all day and going out once in a while for sex, I've lost a lot of respect and love in my heart to a point I dont feel I need a person like that very much anymore. Last night I took his phone and read his chitchat with the 18yo, she was pushing him to leave home for her, asked him for more money, and he was asking her to give him more time to make a decision, and she was kinda pissed off. I didnt feel much pain reading so, and still study so well today.

Just to update with you all that and tell you my mood has stabilized a lot. There may be one big hit coming if he leaves for real, but I guess I'll adapt ok.
Thank you so much for being with me at my bottom. I know there's gonna be more bottoms, but now I'm experienced and more equipped to deal with my emotions. And I've got you here with me.
With love,
V4
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« Last Edit: June 06, 2021, 06:42:38 AM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#45: June 06, 2021, 04:14:43 PM
Hi V,

I'm glad you're doing good.  ;D It's tough, and normally it's worse before better. I hope he starts to stabilize soon, but it's a long, long ways to go either way.

Just remember..... no manipulation, no guilting...... he has to figure out the consequences on his own and come to his own conclusions. The MLC'er will sniff out the wants of others and rebel against them (namely yours). He will try to use others and in turn be used by them....... getting burned until he figures out "hey, these aren't good people after all". It'll take some time.

You're doing good, keep going  ;)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#46: June 07, 2021, 01:29:01 AM
In talks with MLC H in the last few days, I pointed out that now I let him make his choice with no pushing, but his choice will define him as a person for the rest of his life:
- If he leaves for another girl, there's no turning back and it means divorce from me, ex-wife will hate him for being a cheater, his kids will hate him for running away from responsibilities, there's no denying that fact, his parents will be in pain, and he will live with guilt all his life.

- If he stays, we will work on him getting back on good tracks (though i dont really trust this)
I could say so because as I watched him sliding down to this low - gambling all day and going out once in a while for sex, I've lost a lot of respect and love in my heart to a point I dont feel I need a person like that very much anymore. Last night I took his phone and read his chitchat with the 18yo, she was pushing him to leave home for her, asked him for more money, and he was asking her to give him more time to make a decision, and she was kinda pissed off.

So, OW is already asking for more money - she wants a sugar daddy and he wants a new thrill....

The part I put in italics above - This will be (guaranteed) seen by the Mid-Lifer as pressure - it is a sort of threat with nebulous consequences - I mean, the Mid-Lifer is not concerned a BIT about what others think r feel because they are TOTALLY caught up in getting their jollies and nothing else matters.

Having these kinds of "discussions" are usually pretty much a waste of time as they go in one ear and out the other at best. At worst, they give the Mid-Lifer another excuse (as if they can't think up enough of their own) to head off into the tunnel....

It can do the LBS a world of good to get this said and off their mind but, in the end, it may not be all that productive in terms of the R with the person formerly known as "Spouse."
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#47: June 07, 2021, 03:52:31 AM
Yes UrsaMajor, I totally agree with you. Just that during the last few days I got better a lot and felt like yeap this guy is turning garbage, maybe I wont need him as husband anymore. So instead of tiptoeing around his emotions as usual, I just frankly said what I think and get it off my chest. Because he's been working on running away but still able to come back home just in case, and I would like to establish a No on that.
I understand that we may no longer can go back to being husband & wife, and I accept that hard truth now, at least for more than 51% of my mind.
Maybe I'll get tougher in coming times, just because I'm tired of being weak in front of him and myself.
Maybe it's the way my story will go.
Thank you very much friends, I always love to hear from you.
With love,
V4
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#48: June 16, 2021, 05:30:45 PM
It's been more than a month since my first post in this thread.
I went thru a lot, these days MLC H sets his mind on leaving and he speaks of it once every few days. He's just trying to justify his leaving by fixing things around the house, giving me more money, buying things for kids... before he leaves.
Part of me is accepting this because I know there's nothing I can do or say can change his action. The other part is in very much pain because I am losing a husband, my kids (4 & 8 yo) are losing their dad, and I dont know how to keep the happy smiles on their faces being left-behind kids until they become adults.
But I'll try my best for them.
Drop a few lines for me friends, thank you very much.
Regards,
V
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« Last Edit: June 16, 2021, 05:32:34 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#49: June 16, 2021, 08:43:35 PM
Hi V,

I know it's hard. One thing to know is: They aren't gone until they're gone. Yes, they do often go....... no beating around the bush on that...... but they are not gone until they are gone. They may talk about it endlessly, they may threaten it, fantasize about it....... some will cross that line and some won't.

Mine threatened it, fantasized about, talked about it...... she's still here, although she disappears every so many months.
What are they looking for? Well, typically (IMO) they want you to push back or freak out so they have power and importance. So don't do that. If they go, they go.... nothing you can do about that. I would say, it's ok to say you don't like that decision but at the same time, it's their choice. You can't hold them in place, and you shouldn't try to hold them in place. Responsibility and the consequences of their choices need to be squarely in their own lap. They typically don't like this: MLC'ers don't want to be the bad guy and they don't want to be responsible for anything. If anything gives them pause, it's that. It sounds like he is fighting with himself because he's talking about, trying to convince himself that it's ok...... he knows it isn't (or he'd be gone already).

This isn't to say that him being there is the best thing either, that's a decision you will have to make for yourself as well. He's still in the early stages and has years to go. This is a tough area, and difficult times are ahead. Balancing assertiveness and kindness is not easy and most can only do one or the other. Again this will be up to you....... what do you want? It really is going to come down to that. What do you really want? And it could be too early for you to know what it IS that you want. That's ok too. Healing and getting stronger takes time, and pain. Detach and let time pass by on him, you have plenty to do for yourself now (and the kids). He will fly around in outer space, and he'll either circle in your orbit, or he won't. In any case, he is beyond your reach at the moment. If he crash lands later on, you'll hear the impact and can dig him out of the crater if you want to.

Keep moving forward, you're making lots of progress.....

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

 

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