Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11120
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My Story Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#10: June 07, 2021, 03:21:06 AM
Of course, your wife is not well. Until now, she has always perceived you as the driver of all her negativity. Now that you are gone, she still feels the same way. This doesn't put you in a better state of mind; it makes things worse.

I'll use the chance to expand on this...

It makes things worse because she can no longer "shift the blame" of her emotional state to you. This means that SHE has to take respo0nsibility and THAT is a HORRIBLE feeling for the Mid-Lifer. They have run so fast for so long to run away from this responsibility (of their own emotional well-being) and to have it right there with them all along now staring them in the face without anyone else to blame for it (the old "No matter where you go, there you are" thing) is a REAL buzz killer.... They are then confronted with the trail of death and destruction they have left behind and have to face the bitter hard truth - no one was responsible for this other than themselves...

Depending on the individual person, they may choose to find someone/something else to blame and start the whole cycle anew... Others may actually figure it out that they are responsible for themselves and seek help. There is, unfortunately, no way to know who will do what in which circumstances and it is useless to either speculate or expect.

One thing that is for certain - using the kids to communicate (triangulation) is an absolute no-go. It is NOT their job to be the communication conduit. She has the responsibility to communicate directly with you, NOT them...
  • Logged
Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#11: June 17, 2021, 10:23:06 PM
Thanks UM for expanding on how her inability to shift blame to me leads to her having to take responsibility for things in which she doesn't want to.  It's been interesting to say the least my interactions with my W at this time. 

Journaling:

Going to provide one update.  My W and I did finally agree on paying off  the debts  that we owed and it's a very big relief to be debt free.  I had to give in on a couple of things that I really had no business paying for but it was minor in the grand scheme of things.  We paid 50/50 and now are both in a better position.   My W still seems to be so focused on herself that I can see she is struggling.   Enough about her for now.   Wanting to focus more on me and my current state.

Over the past 10 days, I really have been focused on detaching.  Although I have said the right things and really tried to detach, the truth is I haven't been very detached over the past couple of months.   In my heart of hearts, I still deep down was hoping she would come to her senses.  Well, recently I have gone back to and reviewed the threads from multiple men and women LBS's to truly understand the full journey.   Reviewing the stories of the strong LBS spouses documenting their struggles through BD, Separation, Divorce (Often), and eventually movement forward to a new life.

This has helped me to process my current situation and truly start to accept that my wife is broken, my marriage is fractured, and we can't fix it until she can resolve her own issues.  In fact, I am at a point now where I don't want her back anymore.   This person who she has become is not good for me and my kids.

The only thing keeping the door cracked open is if she turns back to God to heal herself, confronts the destruction she has caused, and slowly over time works to reconnect.    Her parents have been married for 50+ years and still have reached out to me from time to time telling me how much they love me and are praying for our marriage.   Until my W follows though with the D, this leaves the small chance that she could eventually turn things around.

For now, my complete focus is on the my own life and my kids.   No more reacting to Monster, no more expectations from my W, and  I will continue to do what's right as I work things out if my W continues to pursue and eventually finishes the D.  Not pushing the divorce but I also won't fight it if she wants to move forward.

For everything that I have done to care for and support my W during her extreme illness, I cannot accept her behavior anymore.   I'm done taking any negativity from her.    I deserve to have someone who completely loves and respects me.    It's been great to read the stories and see LBS's finding other people to have relationships with that bring joy, love, and peace in their life.  I want that in my life and plan to find it again.

Thanks for all your stories.  They really are helping me to detach.

HF

  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 17, 2021, 10:50:26 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

C
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 601
  • Gender: Female
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#12: June 18, 2021, 06:29:05 AM
Thanks for the update, HF. Glad to hear about the financial progress, and more importantly, about how well you are doing. Recognizing your own worth, being clear about your boundaries and priorities, and truly seeking to live by your values… all are essential to healing from this.
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#13: June 18, 2021, 11:00:58 AM
Thanks Curiosity!

I guess the most difficult part of this is dealing with the monster and the confusion that my W currently has.   I am moving towards acceptance but still have a hard time when she monsters at me and blames me for all her issues.   Detaching is helping but it is still difficult.   Following other's journeys and seeing their spouses react in similar manner has helped some.   Just trying to live my life with integrity and focus on me for now.   Not sure I can even get to forgiveness at this point until my W confronts the damage she has caused.

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 363
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#14: June 18, 2021, 11:28:30 AM
HI HF,

    I to struggle and want to find forgiveness (whatever that is). You sound grounded and calm and that will always work for your benefit. You are so right that she has to be willing, and until she is you should keep your eyes on you and the kids.

  You were always there for her when she was upset. She is giving you monster because she isn't getting the reaction she wanted. It is liable te get worse so protect yourself and your thoughts.

  Take care of your self HF ! You are doing great certainly better than I was at 1yr.
  • Logged
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4602
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#15: June 18, 2021, 04:01:04 PM
Hello,

Quote
Not sure I can even get to forgiveness at this point until my W confronts the damage she has caused.

First of all, there is a good book called "Forgiveness is a choice" and it is a good read. However, it takes time and you need to heal until you are ready to take that step. In my situation, I still haven't forgiven my ex and she has even apologized to me. Each of us are on our own timeline and road to true recovery. You can't rush it and you can't fake it. I do agree that even if she doesn't come back to you; you do need her at some point to accept responsibility for her actions. Just know that can take a long time. In the meantime, expect monster. Even when they get what they want; they will still project and blame you for everything. Just separate yourself and think of the times when a teenager in the middle of a temper tantrum swears up and down how much they hate you- it's just blame and frustration for not getting their way. While it hurts to hear it; the words are really meaningless.

Have an amazing weekend and Happy Father's Day. You deserve it!

(((((Ready))))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#16: June 18, 2021, 04:37:38 PM
Thank you Father and Ready!

I am taking my kids out for dinner for Father’s Day on Saturday night and it’s actually my W and my 17th anniversary.  Will be nice to be with my kids to celebrate which will take the sting out of my first anniversary away from my W.  It will be strange but I will make the most of the it.

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#17: June 21, 2021, 10:38:30 AM
Well, my 17th anniversary passed without any excitement or drama from my W.  I had a great dinner with my girls and even heard from my in-laws.   There are still supporting me from afar which is reassuring as I continue on my journey.  I had a fantastic date with my girls going shopping and out to dinner to celebrate Father's day.  It was so fun that I wasn't even sad about the anniversary.  Funny how I came here devastated and now I am feeling better focused on my own journey.   My W did send me a text wishing me a Happy Father's day.   I just responded with a polite thank you and let her know that I enjoyed celebrating with our girls on Saturday night (our anniversary)

No expectations at this point.  Moving towards a fulfilled life with or without a significant relationship.   Now have a trip out of state for one of my daughter's competitions.  Will be interesting to see how things play out.  I am looking forward to this trip and will have my own time to rest and reflect.

Have  a great week everyone!

HF
  • Logged
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2716
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#18: June 21, 2021, 10:42:08 AM
HF, you really sound like you're on firm ground and taking great care of yourself.  I'm so glad you had a nice Father's Day with your girls.
Have a great trip and good luck to your daughter on her competition.
  • Logged

H
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Male
Best of Times and the Worst of Times
#19: June 23, 2021, 09:37:47 PM
Thx Nas for the encouragement!

Journaling:

Well, I am enjoying my trip away from home to watch my daughter in her competition.   I also went to a sporting event and am playing golf tomorrow.   Working a little bit in between too.   

As for my inner thoughts,  I am currently focused on two main things 1)  My next steps in my life (Excluding Relationships)   2)  Do I continue to Stand?

First on my next steps.  I am setting goals for myself.  1).  Job promotion  2). Exercise and Eat Better (Doing well with exercise, ways to go with eating better) 3)  Expanding hobbies (starting with golf)  4)  Developing social strategy for the fall (Family life took up most of time previously)  I'm overall excited about the changes in my life.

As the same time I'm asking the question:  Do I continue to Stand?   With my wife filing, it really has caused me to think about whether I should stand.   I have thought about two things to help me answer this.

1.  Reading old threads from this forum.   It has really helped me to see the journeys and the strength of the my fellow LBSers as they work through their own struggles with their MLCers.   I see so many similarities in how MLCers act and also the various ways that the LBSers have handled things.  I also have to laugh  at SS's thread talking about the Charmed TV show and all the other comments about other TV shows.   My W started binge watching shows and some of them were dark and not uplifting while she lived at home.   I couldn't stand to watch some of the shows and could see how her inner turmoil was driving her TV programming.

2. Achieving Clarity in spite of Uncertainty:   Marvin's thread outlining the difference between clarity and uncertainty really helped me put things together.  I absolutely have clarity that my W's MLC is primarily being driven due to her chronic health issues that started just before college as well as her life threatening complications that she experienced over 10 years ago.

You see my W almost died and had a near death experience.  She has only talked about it with me 1 or 2 times and she described to me feeling empty and numb over 10 years ago immediately following surgery.   In some respect, I can see that we both needed counseling as her near death impacted our marriage and  both of our life lives.  The lack of being independent after college (we started dating as she completed college) as well as the underlying anxiety/depression following her extreme illness ultimately triggered her MLC.

I accept and completely understand her MLC.

Now what to do?  Hmmmmmmmm?  Well, I have decided that I will still continue to stand in the interim until the divorce is final or until she goes public with an OM.  I have heard from her parents as well as from one of her close college friends.   Although they won't say it, I know they are worried about my W.    For now, I will focus on GAL and leave her be.   She will need to show signs of wanting to reverse course, go to church, MC, and get rid of all communication   with Other Men.

If she reaches of point of no return, then I will let her go.

Will keep you updated on any progress and am working to not read into any actions or behaviors from W at this point.   

HF

  • Logged
« Last Edit: June 23, 2021, 10:25:31 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
W - 42
M - 45
Together 19 years, M 16
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.