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Author Topic: My Story New Member But Same Struggles- help!!

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My Story New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#10: June 17, 2021, 09:12:44 AM
I hear a lot about your concerns for him and what you "allow" him to do. What about you? How do you feel about it? Does it make you feel good that he still blames you for things? How do you deal with that when it happens? Do you set proper boundaries for your mental and physical well being? Do you enjoy the friend zone, for now at least? 

You can stand for your marriage and stand for yourself, too. Dropping the rope doesn't mean letting him do whatever he wants and he comes and goes with no boundaries on your part. Even friends respect each other enough to treat each other with courtesy and kindness and it goes both ways.

Some people want their spouse back no matter what, even if they aren't a very good person. Some want reconciliation but only with proper boundaries. Some want reconciliation only if all the issues continue to be dealt with. What do you want? In your ideal world, what do you need from your H for reconciliation?
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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#11: June 17, 2021, 09:59:43 PM
Thank you all so so much for your responses and replies.  I appreciate all of your insights.  It gives me so many different directions to consider and ponder.  I think I’m more confused now then I was starting this forum🙈. See I thought when I detached, stopped having any expectations, and excepting whatever outcome came from the crisis that’s what I was suppose to do?  I am still eager for reconciliation but I also have prepared for that to not be my outcome. 

From reading the MLC forums I understood that I have to begin to be positive, affirmative, and open the lines for healthy communication.  When I did that things became better between us.  Honestly, since December I am beginning to like my spouse again.  I also had a lot of growing to do!  I needed to let go of anger, stop looking for an apology that was never coming, and then see if I was still attached to him.  I have became more attracted to the person that he is becoming.  Does any of that make sense? 

Since December the blame game has almost stopped. There have been a few drunken blaming messages but there have also been a few drunken “I only love you, I wanna be with you” messages.  I try not to make much out of either of them either way.   

Maybe I have been misunderstood on the boundaries and rules of the crisis.  I thought that I needed to open positive lines if communication and validate.  It seems like when I do that then things become better?  If I try not to control him and he does as he wishes then things seem to grow.  That’s hard for me though!!  I think that’s why I’m having so much trouble. 

I went to stop allowing myself to become more attached if he is still in his crisis and no plans to commit.  I know you all don’t have a magic ball to tell me that but I think I need to learn healthy boundaries!  I’m so confused!!  Maybe I’ve had the crisis rules wrong all along?  He def has inner blame.  He tells me often “I can have everything but I have nothing.  I am so embarrassed of my life”.  I’ve thought more open communication, becoming more stable, no more bar scenes, eye contact, making plans and keeping them, reassurance of where he is and who he is with are all positive signs. 

He stays in most evenings now days alone then once a week plays in a men’s poker game.  I thought that relationship talk was completely off limits?  I have considered asking him about the relationship but I think he would respond with “can you not see that I am trying”?  I honestly think that’s what he would say to me.  Of course I would love a sure thing and I realize it’s not but I guess I feel like it is just going super slow and I read where so many have this wake up with such remorse.  He holds guilt I know that but I don’t know how inward it really is?   

I sometimes wonder if his crisis is completely over and he wondered in and out of my life for as long as I allow it.  He likes his freedom, he always has.  It sounds to me like I should just walk away and leave so I don’t allow it to drag on for forever.  I think he and I are both at points of ready for life to push forward.  He’s says to me that he is tired of always feeling bad.  Which again is probably my fault because I have always made him feel guilty of things throughout our marriage.  🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ 

Edited for readability - UM
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 04:33:27 PM by Thunder »

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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#12: June 18, 2021, 12:57:35 AM
Thank you all so so much for your responses and replies.  I appreciate all of your insights.  It gives me so many different directions to consider and ponder.  I think I’m more confused now then I was starting this forum🙈. See I thought when I detached, stopped having any expectations, and excepting whatever outcome came from the crisis that’s what I was suppose to do?  I am still eager for reconciliation but I also have prepared for that to not be my outcome.

That is good to be OK with the outcome, regardless of whether it is the one you want or not.... No one can predict what the outcome will be because it depends on both of you and how hard you all are willing to work. It HAS to be a JOINT effort.... If one or the other is doing all the heavy lifting, it breeds resentment and will ultimately fail.

From reading the MLC forums I understood that I have to begin to be positive, affirmative, and open the lines for healthy communication.  When I did that things became better between us.  Honestly, since December I am beginning to like my spouse again.  I also had a lot of growing to do!  I needed to let go of anger, stop looking for an apology that was never coming, and then see if I was still attached to him.  I have became more attracted to the person that he is becoming.  Does any of that make sense?

Attached or attracted?  2 VERY different things... "Attracted" can form the basis of a new R because the old one is dead and gone. "Attached" (at least in the meaning it is used here) to the Mid-Lifer is where his or her emotional chaos state affects our own emotional stability...

Since December the blame game has almost stopped. There have been a few drunken blaming messages but there have also been a few drunken “I only love you, I wanna be with you” messages.  I try not to make much out of either of them either way.   

"Almost" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and atomic bombs - as in "We almost hit the target." So, he is "almost" accepting responsibility for his choices.... And alcohol still seems to be an issue... Alcohol is an "Escape and Avoid" response. It is the deadening of the sense of one problem in favor of a different problem....

Maybe I have been misunderstood on the boundaries and rules of the crisis.  I thought that I needed to open positive lines if communication and validate.  It seems like when I do that then things become better?  If I try not to control him and he does as he wishes then things seem to grow.  That’s hard for me though!!  I think that’s why I’m having so much trouble.  I went to stop allowing myself to become more attached if he is still in his crisis and no plans to commit.  I know you all don’t have a magic ball to tell me that but I think I need to learn healthy boundaries!  I’m so confused!!  Maybe I’ve had the crisis rules wrong all along?   

Setting boundaries is NOT for him to help move him along in his crisis!  Setting boundaries is for YOU to regain control over YOUR life and YOU emotions... Setting boundaries is deciding to STOP stabbing yourself in the nose with a Bar-B-Que fork and actually STOPPING (metaphorically speaking)

He def has inner blame.  He tells me often “I can have everything but I have nothing.  I am so embarrassed of my life”.  I’ve thought more open communication, becoming more stable, no more bar scenes, eye contact, making plans and keeping them, reassurance of where he is and who he is with are all positive signs.

They are and, if they are consistent over time, they are even more positive but "sign- " or "stage-watching" is a waste of YOUR time and energy because, while they may be positive, they may also be temporary. Meanwhile, you have been watching, waiting, hoping, and ramping up expectations... then <BOOM!> another BD comes.... and it's back to the drawing board... Observe the signs and remember that "the trend is your friend" but don't go out and book that 2nd Honeymoon trip until you are satifsfied that the R (and your Mid-Lifer) is for real...

He stays in most evenings now days alone then once a week plays in a men’s poker game.  I thought that relationship talk was completely off limits? 

Like OR said, if HE starts it, you can take part unless/until he starts doing the Micheal Jackson breakdance and becomes either blaming or evasive. Then it is time to end it as OR noted.

I have considered asking him about the relationship but I think he would respond with “can you not see that I am trying”?  I honestly think that’s what he would say to me.  Of course I would love a sure thing and I realize it’s not but I guess I feel like it is just going super slow and I read where so many have this wake up with such remorse. 
And (with apologies to the original singer for butchering their song lyrics) "they say that waking up is haaaard to do.... and I know, I know that it's truuuuuue...."
This is NOT a sprint to the finish. It is a YEARS-LONG ultra-marathon slog through the mud. It took your Mid-Lifer his entire life (to the point of BD) to enter into the crisis. It is going to take LOTS of (yep - that 4-l3etter word again) TIME for him to heal and grow his way out of it...

He holds guilt I know that but I don’t know how inward it really is?   I sometimes wonder if his crisis is completely over and he wondered in and out of my life for as long as I allow it.  He likes his freedom, he always has.

He very well may be in a "Touch and Go."  Only time will tell

It sounds to me like I should just walk away and leave so I don’t allow it to drag on for forever. 

It is going to drag on for however long it drags on and YOU have NO control over it.... It is HIS crisis. It is HIS timeline. It is HIS "job" to get his head out of his .... fog... and get back to the job of being an H and father. His Crisis is NOT your farm, NOT your cows, NOT your male bovine excrement to deal with.

YOUR job is to live your life as best as it can be lived. YOU are the driver of YOUR car and your Mid-Lifer is in the rear view mirror. It is HIS choice if he wishes to put the pedal to the metal and catch up or to keep dilly-dallying around or to even take a different road. IF he chooses to get off the pot and on the stick, it is THEN your choice if you want to continue to drive together or not... This is the risk that the Mid-Lifer takes - that, at some point, the LBS decides that they are fed up with the nonsense and they grow on into a new life.

I think he and I are both at points of ready for life to push forward.  He’s says to me that he is tired of always feeling bad.  Which again is probably my fault because I have always made him feel guilty of things throughout our marriage.  🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ 



Are you serious?

Did you put a gun to his head and tell him that he was going to feel guilty for something?

If he is tired of always feeling bad, maybe he needs to clean up his act so there is nothing to feel guilty about, eh?

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Re: New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#13: June 18, 2021, 05:33:29 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#14: June 18, 2021, 08:50:03 AM
Hi Naverro,

Thought I would jump in here with my two cents of knowledge from my own experience.  It sounds like you have been at this a long time and know all the drills of no expectations, detachment and letting go.   I am 5 years in and we are just now starting to put some semblance of a marriage together.  It’s a confusing road for sure.  Lots of hurdles on both parts.   My H was forced into making a get down on his knees true remorse and apology a few months ago when he was threatened with a lawsuit from a female employee.  For a couple of months he was filled with absolute remorse and guilt.  It was a semi break through for him.  We are now back to confusion and cycling on his part.  Which in turn has caused confusion on mine.  I started to get expectations that he fully grasped the damage.  In some ways he has, in others he has to be reminded by my boundaries. 

It’s a confusing process for sure.  I’m learning to detach at a moments notice.  We have had good R talks and we have had disasters.  Learning from the disasters.  I know the feeling of seeing the person we loved so clearly in front of us and then watching them disappear into the abyss.  It is hard and confusing. 

I now feel like he is putting together a puzzle that got tossed on the floor and broken apart.  Picking pieces up and trying them out.  Some fit, others do not.  It’s a long hard process.  He expresses his love for me often but sometimes his actions don’t always match his words.  I am a firm believer in consistent actions that match words. 

At this point I hope you can enjoy the good times when they come.  We went away together a couple of weeks ago and it was the best vacation we have had In 6 years.  He slipped back when we returned and right now seems confused and overwhelmed. 

I’ve taken the time to start working on my own trauma that I pushed away.  Not easy but I feel like it was necessary as I was harboring a lot of things I didn’t want to deal with. 

Lots of hugs for you right now, know that you are not alone.  I do understand the confusion.

Roo
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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#15: July 24, 2021, 08:08:07 PM
Help!!!!  Something is changing and it’s happening at a rapid rate!  I need help!  The last 6 weeks my hubby has withdrawn farther.  He became very quiet and very focused.  He stopped coming by and only came when he had to.  He remained kind (no spewing) and continued communication with me. 

He has become more involved with the kids and with me but from a distance.  He has become more affectionate and he actually told me last week that I looked pretty.  I almost fell over (literally)!!  He hasn’t done either of these things in 3 years!  He took the kids to a place we use to go a few weeks ago and sent a message to me saying “this makes me sad not happy”. 

The last week or two tho he has sent me several messages with statements “you do know I miss my old life right” and “I wouldn’t have left back then if I wasn’t hurting”.  This week alone he has sent me 3 messages with the same words “I miss my old life”.  It has to mean something but what?  How do I respond to this?  Is this the next stage?  It’s something because it’s unfolding quickly.  He’s not checking in because he knows without a doubt that I’m standing.  I feel it and I know there’s movement of some sort. 

I’m not saying it’s the end of the crisis but I am seeing something different!!  It’s coming quickly to.  How do I handle this?  When he says things I’m very speechless and not sure how to handle it.  He has given me no signs of remorse or even questioning his position in 3 years!  I’ve had no relationship talks in many many months.  Is it time I approach it?  Do I keep letting it unfold?  Will this go on for forever?  Is this just another cycle?  My head is spinning right now.  It use to spin because he made me angry but I’m completely clueless on how to react?  Im trying to communicate back to him but I’ve detached so far that I’m at a loss for words.  I use to dream of a day for this to happen but now that it’s here I don’t have a reaction.  What is happening?  Anyone?
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 04:35:28 PM by Thunder »

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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#16: July 24, 2021, 10:49:49 PM
So take a deep breath. Take another.  It is my opinion that reacting immediately because something is "coming quickly" is a bad idea. You can deal with whatever is coming slowly, at your own pace, as it makes sense for you. What is happening could be something, or could be nothing.Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

You are not detached. You might think you are, but if you were you would not be so panic stricken. A detached person simply deals with what is coming as it comes. He texts "I wouldn't have left if I weren't hurting" you can text "I'm sorry you were hurting. Have you been able to solve that?" See what he says. There should be no blaming of you, no anger.

Do you have your boundaries in place? Are you going to let him do this again? If no, that's a clear boundary. Boundaries are things like "If you blame me, I'll leave the room." "If you leave again, that's it. I'm not doing this again." "I'll need us to have some counseling to work towards getting back together." Trusting his words without knowing what you will and will not accept in actions is a recipe for disaster, imo.

But mainly, slow the roll. He can say anything a million times, it doesn't mean you have to act, text or do anything right away. If he has no patience while you find the right response,  he's not out of mlc or he's just a jerk. Period. Neither of those are good.

The above is MOO.
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« Last Edit: July 24, 2021, 10:51:19 PM by OffRoad »
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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#17: July 25, 2021, 02:23:49 AM
Thank you so much!!  You have given me so much more to think about.  These messages started slower and fewer so therefore I wasn’t so rattled.  I have this overwhelming urge to make it better.  When the messages began I didn’t feel any obligation to say anything back but over the last 2-3 weeks it’s becoming very clear that he is continuing with this pattern. 

They all say the same things and have the same meanings.  He is clearly seeing his life as “before and now”.  I am at a complete loss for what to respond but I am going to have to come up with something quick.  I have no boundaries in line.  From the moment he left we made an agreement that he would not come back until he knew he was there to stay.  We wanted the kids lives disrupted the least as possible so didn’t want the back and forth.  That’s about it! 

He has always cycled around coming closer then moving farther away and he has always talked with me but he has had no recognition within himself until now.  I can’t keep leaving him silent though and expect him to keep opening up to me. I’m tehimh not to say the wrong thing but instead I say nothing at all.  I’m not sure if I should agree or disagree with him?  He has been working up to this moment for many months.  I’ve recognized the chance in him.  It is slow and steady but this seems to be coming all at one time. 

Maybe your right, maybe I’m not as detached as I thought I was.  I’m very confused on my feelings right now.  I’ve not had to question much on my feelings towards him because the opportunity hasn’t been there.  Therefore, it’s not been considered.  Clearly I wouldn’t have these overwhelming feelings.  I’m not sure how deep they are or if it’s just extreme excitement to hear and see movement.  We as LBS’s also have stages and we don’t move to the next one without extreme thoughts, pain,  and depth. 

I think back to when he left and I would have given almost anything in this world to have heard comments like this.  I’m not there but I’m probably not where I should be either.  If that makes any sense at all?

I have a sense that he knows where his journey will end..  I don’t recognize what he is doing now but I’ve seen him grow steadily over the last 9 months and become more stable and more comfortable.   He makes w keep forward then he eventually allows me to see the change within him.  This seems to be coming steady and strong and it’s me that is not prepared for it!  I don’t know if I need to agree, disagree, tell him the truth, ignore him??  This is a new place for me to be and it’s the first time I’ve wanted to have compassion towards him.  I’m sure the old will creep back through and this will fade away. 
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2021, 04:36:34 PM by Thunder »

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Re: New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#18: July 25, 2021, 03:32:32 AM
Naverro:

There is nothing wrong with having compassion for your H, as long as that does not mean you lose your boundaries, or think you have to save him, or get thrown into a turmoil. OR words are golden advice imho. Start with “slow down.” Nothing that happens on a knives edge or has to be done “right now” is probably stable or permanent. And if everything hinged on one response or decision, well it is way too fragile for it to really work, no?

Whatever else you do just keep paying attention to your boundaries, keep checking in to make sure you are detached as you proceed. Try to attend to how you feel and what you need first and foremost. You probably know this but keep reminding yourself: you can help yourself but you can not help him or make things better for him, no matter how much you may want to. He has to do this on his own or its not real. You can only cheer him on from the sidelines.
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Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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New Member But Same Struggles- help!!
#19: July 25, 2021, 10:10:48 AM
This is not for you to "fix". If you want to respond, to anything that ends as a question like "right?"  you can say 'Oh?" Or " I'm not sure I understand what you mean?" If he texts "I miss our old life" text back " I miss our old life too".

The texts you have written here do NOT  say "I screwed up it was my fault I will do anything I can to make amends for what I have done" . Instead, they sound all about him. How HE was so hurt, how HE misses his old life. Nothing about how he hurt you or anyone else. It sounds like he is manipulating you into accepting what he did was ok because he was soooo hurting.  That is not any thing I would accept.

Tell us more about what is happening that might sound like he actually accepts responsibility for what he has done?
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