https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-appreciate-what-you-have-even-when-it-is-not-perfect

I went into reading this article fully expecting to do a hard eye roll. But I actually really like its message,  it resonated and it’s actually really timely for some of the issues I’ve been batting around. I don’t think that I will find a fitting relationship, but I really would like to, and one of the things that I have made sure to work on in order to be ready in case it ever happens is practicing nonattachment and knowing that the fact that I value and appreciate and love something or someone doesn’t mean I can’t live without that thing or that person.

This is the longest I’ve been single since I was 16. For some time, because it can be lonely, I’ve been looking at it solely as a lack of a person to talk things through in tough times or share breakthroughs, new ideas, new experiences. I don’t give myself credit for being that person for myself because it’s not the same and I’m so busy thinking about not having someone to be there for me. But the reality is that I have been that person for myself for a very long time, through some very extreme circumstances, and that’s an accomplishment and who I have been to myself is something to appreciate. I don’t need just anyone. It doesn’t mean I don’t want companionship, but as an addition, not as something that provides me something I don’t have now so that if I were to then lose it, I couldn’t live without it.

Because what I have now is only myself and that has to be enough because that’s all there is. None of the good things I’ve had and lost in life defined me. They were just things. They were things I loved, and losing them hurt a hell of a lot, and nonattachment doesn’t protect me from the pain of loss (of things or of people). It just allows me to look back at what I lost and remember the good parts, in this case how hard I worked for them, how much I enjoyed them during the time I had them. They are losses, but that’s not all they are. Before they were losses, they were accomplishments. Sometimes in our grief, we forget that.

🎶 https://youtu.be/JeSXEuhQKqw?si=37Imw2KK8MJHIl1o

Quote from: Happylight on April 17, 2024, 11:45:23 AM

I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."

I have no doubt of hormones being a contributing factor. It is frightening how many "fell out of love for spouse/kids overnight" stories are on the site above even in their public section.

Of course not everyone in menopause decides to divorce and go grazy, which I think links to FOO. You either have or don't have the tools to navigate dark waters without totally nuking family around you.

As for men....I think it is highly individual, just like  with women. Some go slow and easy, some fast and hard, some crash and burn.

All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Alvin

If we could test every MLCer and measure hormone levels.   I don’t believe we’d find a pattern. Otherwise MLC would be easy to diagnose and even be treatable.

I also question chemical imbalance and affects on depression.  It’s highly complex.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326475

All I know is that my MLC is living in an alternative universe.  It’s psychosis.  And I wish I knew would causes it.  Hopefully in 100 years someone will figure it out. 

I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."

I have no doubt of hormones being a contributing factor. It is frightening how many "fell out of love for spouse/kids overnight" stories are on the site above even in their public section.

Of course not everyone in menopause decides to divorce and go grazy, which I think links to FOO. You either have or don't have the tools to navigate dark waters without totally nuking family around you.

As for men....I think it is highly individual, just like  with women. Some go slow and easy, some fast and hard, some crash and burn.

All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Alvin

I’m sorry for that shot of anxiety. Horrible feeling, isn’t it? Never felt anything like it before BD but fortunately it’s a long time since I’ve felt anything like it since too.

Try to do something, ideally physical, to get the anxiety out of your body. Go for a run, a long walk, dance in the kitchen - doesn’t matter, just give your system a way to vent it. As my gran used to say, better out than in!

I took your advice and went for a walk in the mall before I came home to see her. It's definitely helped a little. Good idea!

So as expected she dropped the legal separation bomb.

She said this is what she wanted but I asked her if this is really what she wanted and that she was happy. She then said 3 times "I'm trying to be happy". A lot of strange things came out of her but that struck me,  She did expand on this thought and said "I'm happy sometimes and not happy other times - I'm trying". I said again she should go see a therapist - maybe I shouldn't have but she has a lot unresolved issues from childhood and beyond. A lot of tears.  She actually didn't have a ton to say, only that this separation "had been a long time coming" and that "she was sorry". I told her to do what she thought she had to and that while the door is open, she had to want to come back and I know she is not there.

When she left she was in full tears and she gave me the tightest hug I have had in years. I was really taken back. So hard to read her and so much confusion in her thoughts. I am 99% sure her single friends are prompting her to push forward with legal separation - then divorce but there is nothing I can do to stop it all if it's coming. You have to wait one year before filing for divorce in Canada. I just said ok to everything... I guess I now wait for the next shoe to drop.

So, I got to a point where I just did all the divorce work myself. I had the advantage of having worked for a divorce attorney for 3 years, but in my case he didn't want to spend a small fortune either. I laid it all out on a spreadsheet, said you take this and I'll take that and it's about even and he agreed. I made him file first and I responded. Hardest part was getting his financials because he thought he was hiding money from me, but I knew it was there and preemptively  balanced the other bank accounts and he either didn't notice or was OK with it. Since mine spent 20000+ in one month, I wanted the finances settled. I was more than fair.

My advice? Don't wait. Get your financials settled and make her have to pay her attorney from her share. If your attorney is decent, they will do their best to speed up what they can. If you are ready for it, sometimes it's good to be done.