[sachat3]

Working my way through everyone’s updates. Phew getting there!

But it seems very much so like your away of the situation. Even if you know the situation with S isn’t what it all seems and I hope; should you venture into anything there. The knowing protects your heart!

[LBS_Les]

Well, it finally happened - W went FB official with her "twu love", a man.   A friend shes known for so many years, one that encourages her, looks past her past blah blah blah.   

Apparently, she changed her status to In a relationship, not realizing that people would see it on their timeline, so in typical MLC fashion, she had to make a post - it reads:

"In 2021, I will Fly.   I recently changed my status to in a relationship, not realizing it still automatically posts to your timeline.   When I did realize, my first reaction was panic and quickly spiralled down to a black hole of "what ifs".  What if its too soon, what if people judge me, what if Im perceived as boastful or insensitive, what if what if what if.

I stopped myself.  I have viewed to let go of shame and guilt about my past.  I have vowed to be happy.   I am in a relationship, with a man who has been my friend for years, a man who has been there for me, supported me, encouraged me.   A relationship that started off as an amazing friendship and has turned into an even more amazing love.   he makes me happy and fulfilled in a way and with a love, that I am just experiencing for the first time.   I have jumped, and perhaps I could fall.   Or perhaps, I can finally fly"

It hurts.  It really hurts.  For the record, I have her blocked on all social media.  But she kept my family on there, and my moms best friend called and asked what the eff is going on with W's post.   So my mom looked.   She sat on it for a few hours - torn about whether or not she should tell me.   So she showed up at my apartment door crying, said she needs to talk, she has something to share.   I thought something happened to my brother, I thought something happened to someone, she was so distraught.  And she told me.  And she cried.   She cried because my Ex GF left me for a man, and I have struggled with it.   She knew this would devastate me, but wanted me to hear from her, before all my friends start checking up on me.

And to be fair, I expected this.   My W went vanisher on me, so I knew there was someone else.   I suspected there was a man, or was going to be a man.   Its MLC right?  But it hurts.  Ive not stopped crying for 12 hours.

Im mad.   Im mad she couldn't ask for a damn divorce before going public, knowing FULL WELL you still have my mother on my FB.  She knew this would get back to me, theres no way she didn't think it would.  Im mad, because I gave 10 years of my life to someone I dont recognize.  I'm mad because shes been nothing but a coward.   Shes not asked for her divorce, and she cant say "I dont know how shes going to react if I do", and then put a post like this up.

Shame and guilt about your past?  Ya you should be.  You've cheated on BOTH your wives.  Oh and the kicker?  She didn't have male friends, so this "friend" is someone from her past.  A friend of her and her ex wife.   They used to always do drugs together.  Classic MLC, run to the past.

Its opened a pandoras box of hurt that I haven't experienced in months.  It's left me wondering if he was the one she cheated on me with, all along.  She is incapable of being firetrucking honest for a damn minute.   And I would have died on a sword for her, thats how much I loved her. 

I know I'll be okay.  I know this is the closure. 

I have blocked her from all forms of communication - I dont want her to suddenly get a conscience and reach out.   The only place she can get a hold of me, is through work email.

Maybe she was trying to get my attention.   Maybe she was waiting for me to message her a flurry of hateful words.  But I've changed, and that was the old me.  So I do what's best for me, and thats to not engage, and protect myself from any further harm from her.  I've asked my mother and brother to remove her from FB so that my mother isn't filled with the guilt of whatever comes next.   Maybe shell get pregnant - thats MLC outcomes, no? That will hurt since we tried to have kids, but for my heart, I need to protect myself

I think the ultimate irony of all of this is, she hated my Ex GF for what she did to me.  And now, my W has basically replicated what my ex gf did.  Cheat, blow things up, start sleeping with men.

You cant make this $h!te up

[Curiosity]

LL, I’m sorry to hear this. No matter how much time and effort we spend detaching, it seems like they have a particular talent for finding our vulnerable spots.

Please take care of yourself, accept the support of friends and family, journal here as needed. I am certainly no expert on detachment - far from it - but feel free to reach out if you need an ear.

[LBS_Les]

LL, I’m sorry to hear this. No matter how much time and effort we spend detaching, it seems like they have a particular talent for finding our vulnerable spots.

Please take care of yourself, accept the support of friends and family, journal here as needed. I am certainly no expert on detachment - far from it - but feel free to reach out if you need an ear.

Vulnerable spot, indeed.   Im not suggesting she is sucking d!ck to get to my vulnerable spot, but she had to know I would find out one day, and that she would be a replication of my past.   One she hated soooooo much.

I have a great support system, and for that I am grateful.   I've had people drop what their doing to talk me through this.   I know I will be okay, thats one thing her crisis has taught me.   Thank you for your kind offer.   its great to know there are others going through the same BS.

But for now, I will cry, I will self medicate in beer.  I will let my feelings and insecurities flow.   This is how I heal.

[forthetrees]

Sorry that you got a gut punch. Her comment about her past had to hurt. It is hard to digest having spent time with someone you thought loved you for the long term turn out to be a cut and run type. When I could drink beer I relied on Doctor Antonio Modelo aka Modelo beer. If you´re gonna drown your sorrows in beer, let it be good beer.

Hugs,
FTT

[Ready2Transform]

Big hugs! Your support system is so solid. Your mother's reaction is so touching. It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but this is how healing starts.

In a way, even though it will not feel like this for a long time, it's kind of vindicating she's done it in such an overt way that shows all who know you exactly how wacko she is, front and center. All of the "Eat, Pray, Love" ideology will just make her look that much more foolish in the end. But anything about her right now doesn't matter. Go into total self-care mode and be as kind to YOU as you can be.

[LBS_Les]

Sorry that you got a gut punch. Her comment about her past had to hurt. It is hard to digest having spent time with someone you thought loved you for the long term turn out to be a cut and run type. When I could drink beer I relied on Doctor Antonio Modelo aka Modelo beer. If you´re gonna drown your sorrows in beer, let it be good beer.

Hugs,
FTT

My STBW is Mexican, so I can relate to a frosty Modelo - but tonight, I stick with the low carb, Michelob Ultra.   Gotta keep this divorce diet body, lean and mean.   

Big hugs! Your support system is so solid. Your mother's reaction is so touching. It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but this is how healing starts.

In a way, even though it will not feel like this for a long time, it's kind of vindicating she's done it in such an overt way that shows all who know you exactly how wacko she is, front and center. All of the "Eat, Pray, Love" ideology will just make her look that much more foolish in the end. But anything about her right now doesn't matter. Go into total self-care mode and be as kind to YOU as you can be.

Thanks Ready - its true that her circus is front and centre, for all the world to see.   Most of my "good friends" have removed her, so not all know what's happening other than what I tell them.   I knew there was someone else in the picture when my ex unfriended everyone on Instagram - that was my confirmation that she didn't want to be judged for what she posted. 

Thank you all for your replies - what I love about this site is, I dont often get replies, and I realize that its because "mostly", Ive been in a good space.   Each time I post when im not in a good place, you fine folk are here to validate and support.   And for that, I am grateful.

[Treasur]

I'm very sorry for the gut punch too. And sorry that your mum had to be part of your sorrow, but grateful that you have such a loving support system (which of course says a great deal about the kind of person you are)

In case it helps to be reminded of simple truths that are easy to see from the cheap seats outside......

Unless your w is 15 lol.....or a Kardashian.....this kind of social media 'what if I fly' BS is NOT how healthy adults behave or think....it's extraordinarily narcissistic and immature. Even more so tbh in these covid times when thousands of people are dying and everyone is suffering to some degree. But hey  ....we should all care about your w's 'flight'   

Folks with that kind of mindset do things like this imho bc they simply don't care about anyone else's feelings but their own.....or it's a kind of passive-aggressive cowardice as an alternative to behaving like a decent honest adult. Tbh most of these MLCers are less Machiavellian and more like emotional toddlers than we give them credit for being, so if it is any small comfort, your w probably did not do this with the intention of wounding or humiliating you...the bad news is that she simply did not care about anyone but herself.

And as you probably know....but might not feel in your bones yet....these folks treat everyone as objects. You, friends, children, family, affair partners....it really is all about them, about how something or someone makes them feel about themselves.  Which is why they are so toxic for normal healthy humans to be around.

Will this be her 'new happy'? Who knows? It will bother you for a while bc it will feel so unjust if it looks that way, I know. And tbh it rarely seems to work out that way for these folks bc a different human is no more likely to fill that dark hole in them than we were.mBut what you will see with time is that her current kind of happy is not your kind of happy, that your life and spirit will be better without this kind of damaged person in your life, that it was never about you and that your real tribe is out there.

An old poster told me once that the LBS/MLC story is like the tortoise and the hare almost always from story after story here. The MLC hare runs off loudly proclaiming their newfound delight and waving around all their new shiny toys....things, people, social media posts....while the LBS tortoise slogs through the mud of grief and the rubble of a blown up life. But then, bit by bit, bc we do the work honestly the LBS tortoise starts to rebuild a good life with good people and good things......and just about that point, maybe 3-4 years or so, those darned adult consequences start to bite the a$$ of the MLC hare. In entirely predictable ways that we might think won't happen bc our ex or situation is 'different' lol....but tbh the playbook of the disordered does seem to have a pretty limited playlist.  And that is often the point when the LBS tortoise realises that they would not want to reconnect with the hare if they came with a free six pack and a sports car lol. That even with detachment, these folks bring too much drama and damage once they unravel to this extent, no matter how much we love/loved them. That truthfully, even with a kind generous eye, they stopped being good and healthy enough for US, not the other way round.....

But right now, I get that it doesn't feel that way at all, that it probably feels like another BD, that it maybe feels like something that was done to you or bc you weren't 'enough' in some way, that you don't feel like you are 'flying' at all right now. Lots of different emotions which feel more true at that moment even if, with time, you will come to see that they are not as true as they feel. And i am very sorry for this time of pain, my friend, really sorry.

[sachat3]

I think the post was a very “look at me. I’m so happy now. It’s LBS who was the problem” etc etc. However, let’s be honest, if any of us saw a post like that, from someone we knew who spent 10 years married to a woman...who was now suddenly oh so happy with a man. We would know they were “coocoo” and so a good 99.9% of the people who do see that post, will be thinking the same as you. So you, my friend, are not the crazy one.

This sucks raw @$$ but then you knew it would. But now you know, you can move forward   

[Curiosity]

Yes, the “look at me, look how happy and evolved and wonderful I am” is very script, which doesn’t make it easier but at least now it’s out there. Love Treasur’s tortoise/hare analogy, and I find it reassuring to think that even if they are seemingly walking away with no consequences, the consequences of their choices will catch up to them eventually (though it’s hard not to get a bit impatient for that result).

The assessment of the whole “what if I fly” attitude is spot on as well - they can gaslight all they want about how evolved they are, how they have this superior emotional intelligence ans are all self-actualized; nothing will change the fact that their actions are completely self-absorbed and disloyal and juvenile and destructive. And to Sacha’s point, anyone who really knows her will be able to see through the facade sooner or later. If they truly care about her they might call her out on it, if they are enablers they will go along with it especially if it helps them in some way. But they will know. And eventually, so will she.