[LBS_Les]

The roller coaster is not for the faint of heart, my word

I dont know what has been happening, but I have been quite emotional for the last 4 days.   Uncontrollably crying, irrational thoughts about my W, the constant monkey braining.   Nothing has transpired, obviously.   But I've been waking up each day, tired of the limbo.  Tired of waiting for her to start her divorce, tired of her silence.   Ive been wrestling with just messaging her to say "lets start the process."   But realistically, I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with her, and the untanglement of our entanglement.   So if Im not ready, why does it consume me?  Every day I write a journal of an email that I want to send to her to let her know I have had enough of the limbo, and am ready to move forward with the divorce.   Then I think of work, which is incredibly busy right now, so I wouldn't have the time to take this personal item on - I am booked in meetings from 9am - 5pm, I do not have the capacity to deal with it.   I also dont have the capacity to work with her on settling the things that need to be settled, before I sign on any divorce.

In a moment of boredom (coming on 3 months of lockdown in my city, with another extension until March 8th - IVE HAD IT) I download tinder again.   Do some swiping, match with a girl, get chatting - I see you fake account.  And the pool of single lesbians is so grim - so after bot unmatched me when they figured out I was on to them, I deleted the app again LOL.   And the whole time I had it up, I felt guilt.   I felt guilt about throwing a profile up - like how can I proclaim to be happily single if Im on a dating app?  My intention is nothing romantic, maybe some Pandemic chats, maybe make some new friends, maybe just meet someone to get out and do something.   Yet im riddled with guilt.   Guilt about doing so, guilt about trying to hold off on anything until Im divorced, guilt that my W could potentially be on there, despite having OM, looking for me.   As if I dont want her to feel validated in her choices with OM and absolving herself of guilt if she knew I was dating.   Like I am trying to prove a point of some kind to her, so if shes lurking apps looking for me, she won't find me, and seemingly wonder why.  Monkey Braining

I guess in a way, Divorce scares me.   Its the finality of it for me.   I've tried not to get addicted to hopium.  Statistically, the chance of reconnection is slim with a vanisher.  And I've changed, I am a different person, and I dont know that we are even remotely compatible anymore, or ever will be.   D will be the end for me.   Shut the door, move on, good riddance. 

But Im also afraid about the divorce process - Im afraid that I will get run over with the debt, that she will make it difficult and not work with me to pay back the money she spent on MY credit cards - because they are solely in my name due to her $h!te credit history.  I'm afraid that the recourse will be to hire a L which will cost me more money than what its worth if she plans on fighting me every step of the way.  I am overwhelmed, I am lost.  Yes, go talk to a lawyer - got it.   But I have 3 free consults with a lawyer available through work, but I dont want to use them this early on in the game, if Im not fully prepared to pull the trigger.

I feel I need to D to fully close this chapter and move forward.   I'm tired of the emotions that have recently surfaced.   I am tired of being here, 13 months later and still crying over someone who has ZERO remorse or care in her heart.  Im tired of hurting over the $h!tety actions of someone else.   I'm tired of wondering WTF happened.   I'm tired of her in my mind EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm tired of the little voice in my mind telling me to be patient and be still.  FOR WHAT?  Its impossible to get out and GAL - EVERY THING IS CLOSED.  The cold weather doesn't help - the snow can piss off.   

My therapist says I hurt this bad because I love so deep.   What is the actual point of loving people so deeply if they are just going to hurt me and I get stuck holding the suffering bag?

Dont get me wrong, I have so much in life to be thankful for, and I really am.   But these emotions that have surfaced in the last few days, scares me.  It scares me that she still has pull on my heart, and emotions.   It scares me because I feel like I will never get over this. 

Maybe its my karma - I was speaking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and she told me my ex looks horrible.   Her eyes have no life, and shes got bags under her eyes - her actual term was "luggage, she has luggage under her eyes".   And in a way, I enjoyed hearing that, I enjoyed hearing that others see her truth, that shes not as happy as shes trying to proclaim on Social Media.   And then, I was hit with all the emotions, my eyes that usually sparkle, are filled with sadness.   I've cried so much that I now have bags under my eyes that I just cant seem to get rid off.   No amount of eye masks, face masks, cold presses, can bring the swelling down.

I know this will pass - it has to.   I have to believe this is a layer of the proverbial onion that I am peeling.  Maybe this is my rock bottom - maybe this is what sets me free.   I dont know, I dont have the answers.

Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?  I met my ex when she was still legally married.   I had to push her to D her ex as we were moving forward and becoming serious.   She didn't want to deal with it.   She was still paying her ex money that she owed her as again, the credit card was in her ex's name.   Yet me, the one she said taught her that marriage CAN be beautiful, the one that told me over and over again that I was her soulmate, I'm stuck holding the bag and cant get a dollar from her.

I'm so over this $h!te show.

[Treasur]

Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?

I can't tell you that, sorry. It might be....but it is a decision to make when you feel ready and you will know if you do. Imho it is important to make it as a response (to a situation) as opposed to a reaction (to how you currently feel). And truthfully the legality of divorce may not 'work' to make you feel better in the way you think it might bc it doesn't really resolve all of those emotional things that are distressing you so much now, LBS. I suspect when the LBS files, it is either bc it is the only way to protect themselves financially or bc they have already healed from some of the extreme and most painful emotions. And, if your instinct is to contact her to say 'let's do this', that is probably not where you are at....bc you don't need her permission to file, bc it is really almost like inviting or testing to see her reaction, bc it makes a decision somehow a shared one contingent on her which gives her some control really if that makes sense?

So, my best advice is to do nothing while you feel as emotional as you do right now. Give it a few days/weeks to see how you feel and what the benefits are to you of doing so.

It also sounds as if - at least to some degree - you were the ow in her previous marriage? And that therefore it is quite likely that she will behave now as she did then in terms of dealing with the end of a marriage? That might influence your eventual choice if you come to think that it will be better for you to have legal and financial clarity rather than wait in a kind of limbo for her to provide that clarity?

I'm sorry for how awful it feels right now. We get it, truly we do. And how exhausting and overwhelming and scary it feels. Hug from here. X

[LBS_Les]

Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?

I can't tell you that, sorry. It might be....but it is a decision to make when you feel ready and you will know if you do. Imho it is important to make it as a response (to a situation) as opposed to a reaction (to how you currently feel). And truthfully the legality of divorce may not 'work' to make you feel better in the way you think it might bc it doesn't really resolve all of those emotional things that are distressing you so much now, LBS. I suspect when the LBS files, it is either bc it is the only way to protect themselves financially or bc they have already healed from some of the extreme and most painful emotions. And, if your instinct is to contact her to say 'let's do this', that is probably not where you are at....bc you don't need her permission to file, bc it is really almost like inviting or testing to see her reaction, bc it makes a decision somehow a shared one contingent on her which gives her some control really if that makes sense?

So, my best advice is to do nothing while you feel as emotional as you do right now. Give it a few days/weeks to see how you feel and what the benefits are to you of doing so.

It also sounds as if - at least to some degree - you were the ow in her previous marriage? And that therefore it is quite likely that she will behave now as she did then in terms of dealing with the end of a marriage? That might influence your eventual choice if you come to think that it will be better for you to have legal and financial clarity rather than wait in a kind of limbo for her to provide that clarity?

I'm sorry for how awful it feels right now. We get it, truly we do. And how exhausting and overwhelming and scary it feels. Hug from here. X

Hey,  Thanks for responding.

I haven't pulled any communication or D triggers yet as I am currently try to reconcile what I am trying to achieve by moving forward with the D.    In many ways, I am done.   Theres nothing for us to reconcile right now.   So many people here from their spouse how they want to come home, that they aren't themselves, that they messed up.   I get none of this from a vanisher, so its hard to see the forest from the trees right now.   I've been fighting the urge to take action.   Am I truly standing my ground and saying "regardless of your crisis, I am done"?   Am I trying to snap her out of it? (Yes, I know this doesn't do that), am I trying to save myself from hurt by filing first?   Because then I control the outcome of my story?   Either way, I haven't done anything as I do know this is an emotionally based thought.   

As for me being the OW, I was not.   She had been separated from her ex for a year when we met.  Her ex was still with her affair partner, and my W was adamant that they were done, she had no desire to reconcile with her ex, she was done, she just hadn't completed the paper work.   Thats my W, conflict avoidant.  She didn't want to deal with going through the process to D.   Was easier to just "meh" it as "its just a piece of paper".   Once we became serious, I expressed concern around her still being tied to her wife legally as I wanted to get married, as I wanted to see my partner should she ever end up in the hospital.   I didn't think it was fair that her W would be the legally allowed person to make decisions on my partner should anything have happened.  I also didn't want to risk that we would in some way, be responsible for things her Ex did while legally married. 

It took some pushing, but she finally filed.  Everyone says she won't file as she didn't with her ex.   But we know MLC is a change in personality, so I guess I have been expected her to say its time.

And I dont need her to file - I would only reach out because we have matters of finances to address.   I won't sign her divorce until she comes up with an agreed upon amount to settle.   I'd prefer to not go the lawyer/mediation route as its money out of my pocket, to "possibly" get a fraction of that back in a settlement of her retirement.  So I'd prefer we work it out, but knowing MLC, I doubt we will and mediator would be next choice, then Lawyer in worst case.  I just dont have funds for a lawyer right now, Im bag holding all the debt

[Treasur]

So it sounds, LBSLes, as if you are taking your time to think as wisely and calmly as you can about what is the best next step for you. Just as you should. And that is no mean feat when you are in distress is it? I'm so sorry that you are in this situation but you will know when you are really ready to act. Or when the risk of not acting becomes bigger than your understandable fears. And that's ok too, my friend. All of us find ourselves in a situation we never wanted to be in after all and that's hard.

[forthetrees]

At the stage you´re at is when I watched every comedy special on HBO that I could find- just to get my facial muscles used to laughing again. I had cheek lines from perpetual sadness and wanted to get my face back to normal. Then I started telling myself an affirmation every night over and over until I fell asleep and upon waking started the day with an affirmation. It eventually started to rewire my brain.

As for the debt. If the card is only in your name you will have a heckuva time getting her to pay up if she chooses not to. Without pressing the D button, what can you do on your own or say to her to get her to meet and exceed the monthly payments so your own budget and credit don´t get ruined? If has not explored her legal rights in regards to the debt then you have a chance of getting her to pay as she does know that she ran up those particular expenses. If she still has access to the card, get a new number pronto and remove her as an authorized user.

As the days get longer may you find more energy, times of going outside, and less rumination over her antics. Hey, if there were a switch to switch off the pain, we all would have flipped it on BD day. Affirmations redirect when the loneliness and hurt strike.

[Curiosity]

LL, I'm sorry the roller coaster is still going strong, and that escaping it is so hard. I would agree that starting the process should be a cool-headed decision, not a reaction. In addition, much as it seems like the D would be closure and an end to the limbo... I'm not sure that it is, most of the time. You know that I'm a bit behind you in this whole process and a lot of the variables are fairly different. Still, though, I find myself thinking I've reached a new level of detachment only to find myself right back in a place of anger or hurt or resentment. And often it's not because of anything in particular that she has done - I guess my subconscious just goes through this process and unearths new emotions. And having this all occur in the midst of the pandemic and restrictions, which seem eternal at this point... it's so much to deal with, all of it. Please be kind to yourself, give yourself the time and emotional space to work through all of it, and know you've got a support system here and in your local friends and family whenever you need it. As to the practicalities - if D would offer some degree of improvement, that would be a practical reason to pursue it; if it would make things more difficult for you financially and there's no push for it from your vanisher, that seems like a reason to try to maintain the status quo and let time and continued mirror work heal you.

[sachat3]

Phew! Finally catching up. It’s been a hot minute huh

The one thing I suggest, being a never married person. Is. It seems your best bet is to stay married. Save as best you can. Mentally, physically, spiritually and financially prepare yourself should she want a D or should you feel your ready for one. However plan for the worst I always say, So your not so much blindsided

[Kimber]

@LBSLes

I can completely relate. I just feel this immense sadness that someone who was in my life for so long and claimed to hold all the same values and beliefs could let me down so horribly. It literally cuts to my core and leaves a giant pit in my stomach when I think about it.

[FaithWalker]

I can completely relate. I just feel this immense sadness that someone who was in my life for so long and claimed to hold all the same values and beliefs could let me down so horribly. It literally cuts to my core and leaves a giant pit in my stomach when I think about it.

I don't know if it ever stops feeling that way, but it does get easier daily.

[LBS_Les]

Its been a hot minute since I last updated my thread.

Ive been moving along, forward.   Therapy has continued to do me wonders, and despite living in a province that has been on lockdown since NOVEMBER,  I haven't gone crazy (well not fully).   I cant pinpoint when it began to happen, but I hit a level of contentment and peace that really changed the trajectory of my path and healing.   I am ready for Divorce, mentally but I dont feel like pulling the trigger as of yet for a couple of reasons, one of which I will get into, below.

Life with a vanisher whom I blocked everywhere, was as expected.   One night, I get a message on WhatsApp from my SIL.   She tells me that my FIL has been taken to hospital and put on a ventilator due to Covid.   WTF.   She asks me to keep an eye out on my W as they are all obviously concerned.   K first of all, she has OM, so thats not my responsibility.  So I call SIL to get the scoop on what happened.   I tell her that my STBXW and I are no longer on speaking terms, so I cannot look out for her, but I will message her and let her know I know, and to let her know Im thinking of her dad and family during this difficult time.   So unblock, send short message, offer condolences and offer to help in any way that I can.  She thanks me for the thoughtful message and says its nice to hear from me.

I wanted to put her back on block, but its not the time to keep space between us, besides, shes a vanisher so she won't message me and blocking is something Im just doing for my own sake.   So I readd her sisters on FB so that I can get updates on FIL.   A group is created so they can provide updates there rather than having to inform so many people. 

Im in contact with my in laws throughout things and one day about a week and a half since I last messaged her,  I go into WhatsApp and see a message from my ex (shes muted so I dont receive notifications).   Says that she has seen my comments on Facebook (Um, how since you are blocked? Cheeky bugger, I won't ask either). Then goes on to say that her family has always looked at me as family and have never loved someone as much.   Um, Ok, thanks?  Is that permission to be in contact with them?  Like Thanks I guess?  So I respond in kind and basically say "While our chapter has ended, your family will always be family to me and it breaks my heart that they and your father have to go through this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"

Queue a week later, I join a zoom call that her family in Mexico put together, as a prayer session for her father.   I am not on camera and keep the lid on my laptop down as I see her name on the call and I dont want to see her if shes on video, especially if its her and OM.   So at one point, she speaks up to address the people on the call.   I could hear the hurt and pain in her voice, I was with her long enough to know when she was putting on a brave face.   So I sent an audio message on WhatsApp basically saying that I do wish to continue to respect the space between us, but I could hear the fear and hurt in her voice, that her father will be okay, that I have meditated and prayed on it and I know it to be true.   I told her to nurture her mind, body and spirit during this difficult time, and to lean on her boyfriend as he may not know how to support her as she goes through this, and if he isn't giving her what she needs, to be upfront and honest with him.   Sometimes, we dont know what to do when grief takes over, so we may not provide the support that others need.

She thanked me for the message, said I sound really good, and really strong.   And that she understands that while I am reaching out to her during this time, she understands that it doesn't really mean that I want to open the lines of communication between us, and she will respect that.   I suspect she was testing me, but I didn't acknowledge it.   

So this past weekend, another prayer session happened on zoom, so I joined as I am obviously giving my support to the family. Well I saw my STBXW on camera this time (last time she said she didn't even realize I was on the call, ok, sure )  My W looks HORRIBLE.   And I dont mean that in "you can tell its been a rough couple of weeks for her".  No, she looks absolutely horrible.   I dont know what she did to her hair, her eyes had bags for days, and she just looked, not like the woman I loved for so long whom I thought was the most beautiful person on earth.   If I saw her on a dating app, I would quickly swipe NOPE, NO THANK YOU.  And sadly, its brought me comfort. Its just the universe doing its work to show me what I need to see when its time.   She has clearly been in crisis, and its not been kind to her.   And that has made it much, much easier to let her go.

FIL is still in the hospital - its been over a month now.   He seems to be making great strides and they are trying to take him off the ventilator.   He had a procedure to put a tube in his neck to receive oxygen there, so that he no longer needs the ventilator.  I am optimistic he will pull through and be reunited with his family.   

On the GAL side, I can do jack $h!te.   Because our provincial government has fumbled this pandemic and how its managed it.   Our vaccine rollout has been an absolute $h!te show, and the continued lockdowns are a joke.   But I finally got the AZ dose this week and am looking forward to getting back to living and seeing my friends again, as the warmer weather approaches.

Life has been good, life is a blessing, but I cant wait for things to get back to normal again.