[Helpnewc]

A new thread. Who would have thought it.
A long time from May 2022 and how my life has changed. From thinking I had a great relationship to discovering it was a fiction.

After all this time, I don’t regret hanging in for my family. I do regret getting cranky at times and expressing my frustration.

Christmas has exploded as I expected. We will just get through it. The monster is strong.

I feel relief at the financial settlement. I may have paid a little too much but it lets me know I have somewhere to live and start moving forward.

I think I will get there on the kids too. I am just sad for them. But this is not my choice.

Previous Thread is here: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12108 - UM

[Helpnewc]

I had the girls last night. I was told be home by 4 so she could go out. I was and then she did not go out till 6. I left work drinks early to do the right thing but I don’t matter at all.

She wants to tell the kids after Christmas. I am ok with that. She then wants to total the 6 and 8 night split with me leaving the house. I can live with that too I guess.

The hatred of me is hard to accept. It is extraordinary.

One foot in front of the other

[Biscuit]

Help,

I was bamboozleed by w and a therapy session to agree to saying to the kids that mum and dad have fallen out of love etc. i wish I hadn’t agreed to that. The therapist had insisted we show an united front for the kids but it prevented W from owning her $h!te. The truth was that  their mum wanted to leave us behind and thought she was entitled to do so and share the blame with me. I wish id known more about MLC at that time. Let the mkcer take responsibility for their $h!te, they are the one leaving and they should take the flak

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit,

I won’t agree to that. I still love her.

Just got to get through it

[Treasur]

She then wants to total the 6 and 8 night split with me leaving the house. I can live with that too I guess.

What does that mean? Sorry, but not sure I understand.

[Helpnewc]

Hi Treasure,

Just custody of the kids.

I have got it up from me having the 4 nights a fortnight to 6 nights.

It will be very tough on them. They are bonded to their mother.

[lost88]

Yeah - when we told our kids that we were “having problems” my W wanted to use those words. I didn’t agree and said why not tell them the truth? That your having problems and you want to sleep in other room and eventually separate. She said you just want me to be the bad guy … I said no - I just don’t want to lie to our kids!  They escape and avoid at all costs!

[Treasur]

Hi Treasure,

Just custody of the kids.

I have got it up from me having the 4 nights a fortnight to 6 nights.

It will be very tough on them. They are bonded to their mother.

Ok, I get it. Sorry, can’t remember what stage all the legal stuff is at and if you are living separately now? Where do things stand with all the practical and legal stuff of old life vs new one for you? And what are you doing to take as good and gentle care of yourself as you can? Bc this s$it is hard, right?

There’s a tone in your messages that sometimes sounds as if loving her to you equates to just sucking up whatever she wants? A bit?  Or perhaps as if you feel like you have got no more stuffing left in you? I hope you know that no amount of stoic sucking up will nice her back, right? And that your girls may have a close bond with her but daddys matter a great deal in how daughters evolve into young women too. It’s not an either/or even if your wife is trying to make it so. So, glad you pushed back on the days…but you are at the hardest bit of this right now bc you’re grieving and your losses are big. It will get easier, you will find a different way to keep some of what you treasure but this time is hard. But this time too shall pass, my friend, it’s how life works….sometimes our job is to just keep going until we get to the other side of the storm. And that’s good enough.

On the ‘what to tell the kids’ thing from the PoV of a non parent? I think some high level age appropriate version of the truth matters. Not to punish her, but to respect your kids normal need to know what is real, to avoid gaslighting them essentially bc even small humans know when something big is going on. Accept that you can’t control what/if your wife says. Tell your little ones some simple version of ‘sometimes people decide that they want a different kind of life and when we care about them, we have to try to respect that even if it isn’t what we want….mummy has decided that she doesn’t want to be married to daddy anymore and that means some things are going to change in how we live. But what will never change is that I’m your dad and I love you and I will do everything I can to make sure you are both ok and that I will be ok too’. Then listen if they have questions, in the moment or later, and try to answer them as simply and honestly as you can without commenting on your wife’s thoughts or feelings at all. It is ok to say I don’t know, that might be something you’ll have to ask mummy. Give examples from their own life if you have them to hand….perhaps friends of theirs from school whose parents are divorced but are ok, or how you make new friends when you change school even though you can be afraid that you won’t, examples basically of how life can still be ok even when things change. And above all that they did nothing wrong and that it’s ok for them to carry on loving both mummy and daddy just as they always have.

Your wife will have to find her own way of doing the same….thats sadly a practical consequence of her choices and how real life works, and you can’t protect her or them from that. I’m so sorry though - it’s a particularly bitter LBS pill to want to sweeten something that was never your choice and knowing that it is going to change your kid’s lives.

[Trustandlove]

my kids were small, just a little bit older than yours, when all this happened, and I like how treasur phrases it --  something along those lines was what I was also advised.  I never did the "mummy and daddy don't want to be together any more" thing, they always knew, age-appropriately, that it was his decision. 

The way treasur phrases it is good, IMO, as it states the truth without "pointing the finger". 

[Helpnewc]

Thank you all.

I am no longer trying to love her back as that does not work. I M just trying to make good decisions for the girls and me.

I think we agreed on a basic mum does not want to be married to dad anymore, it is NOT your fault and we love you.

I am working hard on letting go of the past and on he to build a new life. It will take time but I will.

Green is my edit - just to clarify/correct what I expect was a typo. - UM