[mcm64d]

Just a bit of journaling today.

Had a couple of sad moments this week. New Year's Eve in the afternoon for about 15 minutes and yesterday on my ride home from work.

It is truly getting better. And I have gone dark. No contact whatsoever. We received a group text from the realtor and only xw replied. Oh and I am starting to refer to her purposely on here and prayers as xw. It's not official yet, but trying to take the next steps.

This is strange only because it feels like I am cutting off my nose despite my face, but under the circumstances, its really the only option. I would love to tell her I miss her or that I love her, but she already knows, and despises, both I am sure.

But at least I am not uncontrollably tearing up and running to the bathroom to cry at work anymore. And my sad spells are so more infrequent and shorter.

[Helpnewc]

You are doing well.

It is awful but we adapt and get used to our new reality.

You are right about not telling her those things. She knows and she is angry that there are consequences to her running.

[Reinventing]

But at least I am not uncontrollably tearing up and running to the bathroom to cry at work anymore. And my sad spells are so more infrequent and shorter.

This is good to hear. I did the same running to the bathroom or sitting under my desk in my office so people couldn't see me and try and cry as softly as I could. That was before a lot of self-care steps that I took. I was very worried about not functioning well enough in my job. A job that I needed more than ever, given the circumstances.

Keep doing what helps you stabilize and heal and less of what destabilized you.

[mcm64d]

Thank you H and R.

It's the first snow of the year today and I find myself peacefully watching it out of my window. My xw loved the snow. And a month or two ago I would have gotten really sad over it, but today its peaceful. I love her. I miss her.

I am in a strange new place. Peaceful. Alone but not lonely. Knowing that I am working on my issues and feeling good. Knowing that she isn't and feeling badly for her. I am not worried about the future, no matter the numbers of years or number of hours.

I still have my moments. The other night I had a dream that my wife left me. And as usual, whenever I have a disturbing dream as I awake I tell myself its just a dream. This time I said to myself my wife didn't leave me, and then instantly I remembered " oh that's right, she did leave."

Got a chuckle out of that one somehow.

[Reinventing]

Mcm64d, you sound good, focusing on yourself and healing. That was an amusing story about the nightmare--many here will smile in recognition of that scenario.

[mcm64d]

.....well overall I do believe I am doing well. Thanks in large part from the support I receive here.

There are strange dreams I am having, most of them I forget now but remember as strange when they woke me, which indicates to me that I am not healed. And that's ok.

In fact I am mentioning more for those who feel like they are not doing "as well" as me. It's still there and I expect it will be still there for years to come. Just less I guess than before.

[mcm64d]

...and now a little complaining.

My realtor is trying to wrap things up on the sale of this house. She sends an email to both me and my xw concerning last minute things my xw has to clear up.

Don't you know she leaves me off the email reply. Also I need a copy of the property settlement agreement for the title company and my lawyer doesn't know where it is in the proceedings. We assume her attorney filed it with the courts. Crickets.

Why? Why the stupid games? Is she trying to illicit a response from me? Because it won't work. Unless it is life or death I plan never to respond to anything she does. But just why? I am so tired of this process.

[mcm64d]

and now back into depression.

I really thought I was getting there especially after the holidays. I have to get to a place where this does not effect me any longer. Until then I am stuck in this shallowish bowl scraping up the sides just to slip back to the bottom and on my back like a turtle.

There, that made me smirk.

Have a good day everyone!

[xyzcf]

I am sorry that you are feeling depressed mcm64d. I went back to your first post and checked, you started noticing changes in your marriage last summer , 2023. Many losses since then so it is pretty normal to be depressed.

There is no magic bullet, no way to quickly take away the pain...time will ease it.

I posted an article I read today, a therapist talking about grief and loss.

https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/29/health/grief-how-to-cope-wellness/index.html

Even with all her knowledge and expertise, it was a long road for her to heal.

In my own story, I never thought that this would hit me so hard and for so long. I am a very resilient woman, vey independent and "glass half full" type of person.  I knew that it would hurt, to have my marriage end but had no idea .. Thinking back on breakups with boyfriends, I expected to be "over" him in a shorter period of time.

As you read the stories here, looking at the timeframes you are responding as we all did.

It is good that you identify that you have depression. I cannot remember, are you working with a therapist?

Some people need antidepressants for a time.

I do like you sense of humor regarding the turtle!

[MadLuv]

There is so much cycling early on and those get father apart with time, but this is trauma. Deep painful trauma that affects your thoughts on your past, present and future. Questioning reality. It takes a while to untangle it all and accept the nee life you are living, but you do and then there are still dips in the road. Tell yourself better days will come and feel what you need to. I truly believe feeling the pain and grieving it all is how you get to a better place