[palladian]

Hah, another day, another story. Received a new mail saying 'she arranged things' and we can "pick up where we left off" the divorce agreement ànd a whole rant about what type of bike to buy together.  Interesting how she tried to pressure me just 24 hours ago to solve her loan demons and now it's back to business.

@Limiteless, Wow, 7 years? That's a looong time. Were you 'happy'? The fact that it was a single note and then nothing more, sounds just harsh. I personally do not expect any apology at all the coming years. I presume - unless the hurt of the death of her siblings consumes her so hard - that she'll just push it under the rug as she has always done. You know what's striking though, in a business set-back someone really f'ed me over. A decade later, like last month, she sent me a message if we could have a talk... Seems the guilt stays in there one way or the other.

@Ursamajor, didn't know you experienced this type of crisis twice, that is rough. I was always 'the emotional fixer' which always gave her an excuse not to deel with her challenges. It is sad and confronting for me to see in a way I have 'learnt' her that no matter what I would fix things for her, offering her an easy way out of personal responsibility. By running away to her 'new me' (OM has some character traits like myself) she found herself a fresh supply of support I guess. Anyway, not my problem any more.

@For The Trees, if there would be such a T-shirt, I would actually consider buying it! 

@Standing Strong, thanks, the emotion pain is totally gone, apart from the occasional sting still. I'm in full 'change life' mode, with a deep relaxation into my situation, working from there both on my choices and finances. I realise it will take some time but I'm energized to tackle things. For years in a way I was adapting but wasn't myself. That's done. Unapologically me, have a dating life, have a wonderful kid which I have fun with, have plenty of friends and am chasing my own vision in professional life. So I guess, I'm ticking a lot of boxes!

[Standing Strong]

Hey Pal 

How's it going? You were in the middle of a bunch of MLC'er flipping a couple weeks ago..... what ended up happening?  How are you doing?

-SS

[palladian]

Hey Pal 

How's it going? You were in the middle of a bunch of MLC'er flipping a couple weeks ago..... what ended up happening?  How are you doing?

-SS

I'm doing great! Am enjoying my status as a soon to be divorced from someone whose struggles are not mine any more 

STBXW is going overboard, accusing me to be an a**hole,  projecting all kind of her misery on me because she cannot handle owning her behavior. It's insane to see this happening in front of your eyes: she runs away, for I year I ask to work together on the problems we have. She refuses, lies, goes back to OM and then I tell her what the consequences are for me. She follows through and then accuses me for the consequences, incredible. 

I'm focusing on my thing, took on a part-time lectorship in a school with people I like on a subject I like. I'm organizing life to the max, focusing on what I want, something which is a first in life. It gives me great joy, all cilinders go on the professional life as well, doing really cool stuff. I have a lot of fun with my kid who complains more and more about her mother, I'm trying to hedge it to the best of my abilities but above all I feel the relationship with my D( is only getting stronger, love it. Spending time with my friends, being more conscious who they are and I'm slowing down in life as well, less rushed. Working a lot on spiritual stuff as well, gives me inner freedom. Recently discovered Michaël Singer, great guy with a lot of useful wisdom for the entire THS community I think.

[UrsaMajor]

Those darn consequences....

And of course, it is the LBS that is responsible because ... well ... uhmmm .... we MADE them do what they did? We set boundaries that they had not previously experienced and stuck to them? We no longer allowed them to walk all over us?

Yep... Karma....

[limitless]

Hi P,

I just noticed that you had sent me some questions - sorry to respond so late.

@Limiteless, Wow, 7 years? That's a looong time. Were you 'happy'? The fact that it was a single note and then nothing more, sounds just harsh. I personally do not expect any apology at all the coming years. I presume - unless the hurt of the death of her siblings consumes her so hard - that she'll just push it under the rug as she has always done. You know what's striking though, in a business set-back someone really f'ed me over. A decade later, like last month, she sent me a message if we could have a talk... Seems the guilt stays in there one way or the other.

Was I happy?  Actually at the time - I was angry.  To receive an email that he was so very wrong to disrespect me and our marriage - after 9 long years.....for me it wasn't enough.  (not that anything he could say or do at this point would be enough),

After I had some time to think about it....I came to realize that this was the best he could offer.  I never expected an apology either...and I got one - a pretty heartfelt one....  That didn't change all the damage and the hurt....but it was something.  I got to hear that I was so much better of a wife than he had been a husband.  Okay...Many don't ever receive an apology.  After time of thinking about it and letting it sink in - there was a bit of solace in it.

As far as your comment regarding the guilt....yes - they spend a lot of time denying it and running away from it - but they really can't avoid the guilt.  It eats them up. 

As many LBS' have said in the past - that bears repeating - I would much rather be an LBS than an MLCer.  I couldn't live with it. - if I had destroyed my family and hurt my kids to very much.

Take care,

L

[palladian]

It's been ages since I came to this place but wanted to share some of the evolutions and lessons with the community, maybe they can help. Last time I came here, there was a drama about buying a bike, something which I wanted to do alone and she insisted on doing together. I explained (like for the 100th time) that in the circumstances following her choice to not talk/work on our crisis and have a divorce while she was staying with OM, I wanted as little as possible to do with her.

She fumed about it multiple times, accused me of several things which were manifestly not true. Then I asked her again (also for the 100th time) if this was the way she wanted to end our relationship. No direct yes or no but then things got really weird. I explained her that - since she is spinning her story towards our kid, seeing it impacted her - I felt forced to share my perspective on things - even though I wanted to keep the kid out of the crisis - and asked if we could at least agree on the facts, not the interpretation.

Turns out, no   She refused to acknowledge that she called me last year crying, asking me if we could still try relationship therapy after she got initially dumped by OM. Talk about struggling to take ownership of your choices.

Since then, I further distanced myself from her struggle and shared with my kid that I was really mad at her mother (upon advice of her coach/psychologist) since the kid felt there was something very wrong. It felt very liberating. I also told her that she didn't have to worry and mommy loved her very much (apart from my sharing of being mad, I only talk positive about her towards D8). I'm rocking it for D8, she says she can 'at least be herself with me' all while complaining often about mommy.

We are well on our way to finalise the divorce agreement, which I feel totally chill with to be honest. What a difference with the beginning of my story here. It is true that MLC is a kick in the b***s, but once the pain subsides you do feel stronger. I'm more assertive than I have ever been, feel more confident and have had more time for my daughter, friends, self-care and my girl-friend, yes still the same one , simple and genuine  . So, life has never been better since the first years of my relationship with soon to be xW. I totally forgot how that felt. Crazy.

Anyways, Palladian out again for now, you are all rockstars in your own way.

[Standing Strong]

Hey Pal 

I was wondering how it was going for you..... so glad to see an update 

Very glad you are strong and on good footing now...... and she's deep, deep in the tunnel.

So the D is well underway. Isn't it weird how that changes over time? You get tough, grow and then it's not the end of the world (but not what we wanted at the start). So what's next for pal? Something is on the horizon.

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

As with the  majority of the Mid-Lifers - "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Also knows as "If you want your life to change, you have to change your life " which is something that the Mid-Lifers are frantically trying to do without changing the underlying basis from which their lives are formed....