[Standing Strong]

I'm a very religious person, and so is/was(?) W.

I see there are many who are like me..... took their vows seriously, and want to uphold them at all costs.
I've read all of RCR's articles (wonderful) and all of HB's writings (amazing).
Between the two, it was a primer that I don't know what I would have done without them........ Actually I do know what would've happened..... she would have ran away already and I would've unknowingly pushed her out. I have great, great gratitude for finding this place.

Since this started, I've been praying and seeking God on this matter. He is answering, but I feel the need to let him deal with it and get out of the way.
One struggle I have is how to properly pray for this situation. On one hand I've always prayed for "something"...... an outcome, a thing, a change of heart, strength, patience.... "something". Since this started, I've been praying for many "somethings".
I feel like I should just be giving it to him to deal with in his way, with his plan...... to let go. This is very difficult.

When praying for God's will to be done, it really turns out to be a very short prayer, and it's so hard to square because there's no deep effort..... sincerity yes, effort no. I believed in praying constantly, in fasting, those kinds of things. Effort, obedience, faithfulness, steadfastness. Know what I mean? The bible talks about the angel fighting the demon for 21 days for the prayer to get thru..... so doesn't that mean we must pray hard? How do we pray hard for a prayer which is so short?

For those who are praying for their MCL'er..... are there things God has shown you about them or the situation? I had what I believe was a word from God when I was listening to my W paying piano. It was clear as a bell and gives me great hope. I don't know how it will come to pass, but I believe.

Also I'm curious if people have others praying for their W/H and their M. I do, and while I have no doubt they are praying for me I don't know if they will pray for her long term. They will get angry at her, and I don't want that but I KNOW the prayer of many is needed in this sitch.

I know God doesn't like M's to fail. I don't think people are D by a paper from a man. I think God does what he does for an MCL'er, but they do have choice. In the end, it's on them. I believe someone praying for their W/H gives them the best chance to find their way home, or at least ease their burdens somewhat by asking God to help them.
What do you think? What have you experienced?

HB talks about the gift of intuition..... does anyone have any thoughts on this? Or about other gifts which should be asked for from God?

-SS

[Disillusioned]

Standing - Take a look at Rejoice Ministries if you haven't already.  Some of the answers you are looking for may be found there.   

[Anon]

Huge things to pray for:
- detachment and peace despite your circumstances.
- trust and patience with His plan and His timing
- hands off - give the ENTIRE problem to God - in the meantime you GAL - He's got it covered and doesn't need your help.

Possibly useless prayers:
- specific outcomes - free will is involved here and He will not override that. 
- time frames or deadlines according to your will.  This never works.

My prayers for Peace and Detachment have never gone unanswered.  It's the one constant prayer I've used throughout and if you don't believe in the power of prayer, you will after making this a daily prayer.   It's simply a miracle what praying this does to your state of mind. 

Rejoice Marriage Ministries - worth checking out perhaps, but know that they are overly optimistic and make it seem like a return is a given if you just pray enough.    They post many success stories but never mention the stories that don't end well.  I think many people that visit regularly are given false hope.   

[xyzcf]

Rejoice Marriage Ministries - worth checking out perhaps, but know that they are overly optimistic and make it seem like a return is a given if you just pray enough.    They post many success stories but never mention the stories that don't end well.  I think many people that visit regularly are given false hope. 

2 main theme's  of Rejoice Ministries are "God hates divorce" and "nothing is impossible for God". They stay strictly with what scripture says about marriage. They do not make excuses about what they preach.

They also call you and pray with you. They acknowledge and send you Anniversary greetings.

Rejoice Ministries is the only place that helps me to understand the meaning of the vows I made before God. Because my husband has broken those vows, does not mean that I have to as well.

Overly optimistic? They stand by their belief in the permanency of marriage. Since their beliefs have to do with our eternity being what is important as opposed to our lives here on earth, they talk about how we can live our lives for our individual salvation.

I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.

[Mitzpah]

Standing,

I believe that the simple prayer - "Your will, not mine"  is the most difficult one to be prayed. We are so attached to an outcome, aren't we?

Rejoice Ministries is the only place that helps me to understand the meaning of the vows I made before God. Because my husband has broken those vows, does not mean that I have to as well.

Overly optimistic? They stand by their belief in the permanency of marriage. Since their beliefs have to do with our eternity being what is important as opposed to our lives here on earth, they talk about how we can live our lives for our individual salvation.

I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.

This is my experience too.

[xyzcf]

There is a movie called "Fireproof". It is a Christian movie about a wife who is having an affair.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1129423/

When I watched it, at first I thought it was rather hookey...but then I slept and woke up understanding something. The husband in the movie is a firefighter and there was a line "you never leave your partner behind in a fire"...

I watched it years ago...those words rang true to me to this day.

[Anon]

I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.

Admittedly, this was my own take on it (RMM being overly optimistic) after being a regular visitor for a long time.   I found great comfort in the beginning.  When I learned typical marriages have a dismal rate of return but that was never mentioned on RMM,  I began to lose interest.    Instead, I talked regularly to my church pastors and found similar comfort and support without being given the feeling that marriage restoration is a given if we are just patient and wait for his timing.     This is my personal opinion based on my own experience.  The only thing I would change about my post would be to add this disclaimer.   

Oh,,, and I did watch that movie early into my lbs life and it had a similar impact on me as it did you.   I would probably still get choked up watching it again.    All I can say now xy is that I know the HS resides within and I listen to and follow His urgings.   He has lead me from bd to where I am today and may lead me in a different direction tomorrow.   I don't know but I trust He does,,, and I trust Him.   

[Treasur]

Faith is such a personal thing so I speak only for me.
Initially i was praying for outcomes...for God to make x or y happen. Which caused me to lose hope and faith tbh.
Then i got to a point where i felt so hopeless, so lost and so confused that I didn't even know what to pray for anymore. I don't think i felt angry with God; I just felt confused and alone.
That was the point for me when I felt God's presence most, just like the story of the footprints in the sand. I felt carried when I had nothing left in me. That was also the point when I stopped praying for outcomes and started simply praying for God to show me what I needed to know and help me do what I needed to do. Even if i had no idea what that was. My faith became much stronger but less of a takeout order if that makes sense?
The glimmering i got from that helped me in two ways....it was a constant refrain to turn my head towards the light and away from the dark for my own survival. And it helped me to act with as much grace as I could find in me towards myself and others....which was not always an easy thing to figure out or do.
And i have never stopped praying for God to support my h in whatever way God sees best to heal him. I trust that God has not abandoned my xh even if my xh abandoned his belief in God. That God will not override my h's free will and that he may know things about what my h needs to experience that I do not...but that he wants the light and peace for both of us and he will not give up on my h even if i have had to step away from him.

but it really was nothing about specific outcomes at all, either for me or for my then h
more about knowing that God was along for the ride and would pick me up if i fell down

Along the way, I also had a couple of uninvited experiences of 'knowing'. They were never about outcomes and always left me with a great sense of peace and a feeling of being seen and loved. One was in the church where my h and I renewed our vows, on our wedding anniversary. I have written about it on my thread. It was a strange and very powerful experience, difficult to describe and almost impossible to describe to people who don't hold that kind of faith, but it reassured me that the love had been big and real and good - both between us and around us and for us. And that my blessing was to be able to know and feel that when my h no longer could. i remember it vividly now; it was a moment of joy, strangely enough, when i felt as if i had been given a gift to remind me of things that i was starting to doubt or lose.

[xyzcf]

Anon:

When I learned typical marriages have a dismal rate of return but that was never mentioned on RMM,  I began to lose interest.

One thing I don't read regularly are the Saturday testimonies, many which seem very foreign to me (although I must say I used to think that seeing a Covenant Transport truck was a "sign").

After BD, living in a foreign country and completely in despair I went to see a priest and shared what had happened. His English wasn't very good but he opened a bible and asked me to read the story of the Prodigal Son.

This and many other biblical stories became a solid foundation for me to believe that even when things seem hopeless, the prodigal can return..interestingly is how the older brother responded to his return!

Returning to the US, I became a member of a charism of the Catholic Church (Communion and Liberation) and we always have song as part of our meetings..."Jesus met the women at the well" struck me....He told her to go tell her husband and she replies, I have no husband and Christ says "You have had 5 husbands and the one you have now is not your own".

This became important to me as well...if I were to meet Christ, would he tell me the same? I know I only have one husband, so I remain faithful to him even though this is not a popular stance in this world.

I was on a church trip and a couple I know, I had actually been to their 50th wedding anniversary. They are very active in social justice issues and attend mass daily.The wife came up to me at a baggage terminal and spoke these words "continue to do what you are doing xyzcf. My husband left me for 18 years." We often meet and talk. She said that it was their faith that finally brought them back.

You are right. Rejoice Ministries doesn't talk about marriages that do not reconcile. They talk about never giving up and trusting God.

It's been such a long journey, that I don't focus anymore on his returning to our family as I once did...Rejoice Ministries' use of scriptures and prayers for our spouses still interest me. Although there is nothing I can do about his crisis or our broken family, I can pray for him...I must pray for him for what he has done is wrong. He is practicing his Catholic faith and doing things that are considered mortal sin. But as I have been counseled by our priests, I do not know his heart, only God does.

His crisis has deepened my faith. And it continues to grow and become more important. Rejoice Ministries also teaches about putting God first in our lives, something that I still find difficult to do and certainly, even though my husband and I went to mass and considered ourselves Christians..I now look back and see how little we gave to Our Lord.

God has a plan. Learning to trust that God's plan for my life is hard for me....

Three other Christian resources that I like:

Broken Heart on Hold by Linda Rooks

It's Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst

The Gift of Self: A Spiritual Companion for Separated and Divorced Faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage
by Maria Pia Campanella

Praying for all of us, for our families and our spouses. Grateful that we have a place where we can talk it out with others who share our beliefs.

[Mortesbride]

Well that is a lot to talk about.

In the early days I prayed and prayed...more like wailed  for him to come home. I was in so much pain, and I wanted nothing more than to go back to how things were. For this to all be a nightmare.

Nearly 2 years on I am glad he chose not to answer that prayer. Dealing with MLC is bad enough, but dealing with my MLCer on a daily basis, living in my house, having an affair..would have just been explosive. I would not have been able to detach and change and grow...and he would continue to be angry, feel controlled, hide and sneak and lie... Ultimately if we had to be confined in a house with three small children, while he went through this it would have damaged our relationship more.

He has to go through this. He can do it here in my house, with me having to put up with his mood swings, lying, and eggshell walking....or he can do it out there while I get on with my life.

Sometimes prayers aren't answered. Not to hurt us, but to protect us. We usually can not see why until much further down the road.

Perhaps you should stop trying to pray for an outcome...and just accept that whatever he has planned, you are being looked after.

I liken it to an annoying child. God knows what you want, you have asked him, he can see in your heart. What good does it do us to keep tugging at his ear asking for the same thing over and over?

These days I do not ask for God to do 'something'. I say thank you for my kids, I say thank you when I catch a break, I apologise to him if I mess up....but I trust at the end of the day, things will be the way they are supposed to be. Isn't that what faith is? Believing it will happen, even though all evidence points otherwise?

Faith isn't measured in the number of times you yank his cloth begging for him to do something you want. People have free will. It is our choice to be ''good'' or ''bad''. It is our choice to believe in him, or someone else, or nothing at all. He can not MAKE our MLCer choose to do the right thing. That defeats the purpose of our journey in life.

I suppose you could ask him stuff like ''please send a message to my husband in his dreams, reminding him of the good times''....sure he might do something like that if he see's fit...but if that is useful he will do it anyway don't you think?

I do believe in the gift of intuition. There have been many stories I could share about moments where I just ''knew'' something, both before and after BD. It has saved my life at least 2 times. I do not know if this is something we are born with, or if this is ''messages from God'' as talked about in the old days. I just know that it has happened to me, and when it does you know that it isn't something from you but from somewhere else (God, guardian angel's...whatever).

In terms of time frames...keep in mind that our time and God's time can be completely different.