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Author Topic: My Story Still breathing and confused

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My Story Still breathing and confused
#100: December 03, 2021, 05:43:14 PM
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Her car, her circus, her monkeys...

Exactly.

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But then I got triggered again. Saturday night is meant to be her night to look after granddaughter.....can't do it this week because she is going out.

Massive replay on her part. She is living the high fun life. But I know it will crash eventually.
I need to keep thinking that and not worry about what she is doing or it will push me further into the abyss she has created for me.
But only if I allow it of course.

That's where I need to keep detaching.

I love this. It shows you are sometimes starting to step outside the trauma and look objectively at things.

I know I’ve been fairly rigid on you Pac, trying to get you to set boundaries. But it’s important to remember too that while you gain awareness of these things, there’s always going to be things that trigger you and make you feel like you’ve slid back.

Don’t expect that in a few weeks you’ll be able to detach and walk away and have some Jedi level of indifference towards her - you won’t.

The measure of progress is that those times when you miss her, feel sh*t, get triggered - they just slowly become a) less frequent and b) of less duration.

You’re doing better in detachment than you were 2 weeks ago. And that was better than where you were four weeks ago. Detachment takes time, and persistence, and you shouldn’t be disappointed in yourself if you’ve had a rough day here and there.

It might feel like you’re crawling along incredibly slowly, and taking two steps back for each one forward, but I guarantee you as someone looking in externally I think you are making a seismic shift at the moment and really progressing well.

Keep on using the board. Keep delaying all responses minimum 24 hours until you’ve gathered your thoughts. Keep ignoring what she has done or what she might think or how she might react. If you get a message about in laws - think only about the in-laws when writing a response. If you get a message about your kids - think only about the kids when writing a response. If you get a message which doesn’t have a question or need you to do something (such as “I’ve heard you had a rough weekend”) - don’t respond.

You’re actually making huge leaps atm. Really proud of you.

And posts with more about Pac, and less about his crazy.
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Still breathing and confused
#101: December 06, 2021, 12:18:27 AM
So DIL 2 went get to hospital today to get checked out. DIL 1 told W so messages back and forth to DIL 2 from W.
"Are you ok?
Don't blame DIL 1. She is concerned.
I'm sorry I left the house and not there for my kids and grandkids. I love you all and don't want to get in the middle.
Please don't argue in front of A (me) because he has enough going on".....haha.

Wtf is going on in her head?

More serious note.
I need to address the car.

"Just reminding you that as of April next year the I30 is out of lease and I will be taking the Ranger back.
You have 3 options.
Pay for the Ranger fortnightly.
Pay out the I30 and you can drive it
Or buy yourself a car"


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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

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Still breathing and confused
#102: December 06, 2021, 12:34:23 AM
So DIL 2 went get to hospital today to get checked out. DIL 1 told W so messages back and forth to DIL 2 from W.
"Are you ok?
Don't blame DIL 1. She is concerned.
I'm sorry I left the house and not there for my kids and grandkids. I love you all and don't want to get in the middle.
Please don't argue in front of A (me) because he has enough going on".....haha.

Wtf is going on in her head?
What does green taste like today?
More serious note.
I need to address the car.

"Just reminding you that as of April next year the I30 is out of lease and I will be taking the Ranger back.
You have 3 options.
Pay for the Ranger fortnightly.
Pay out the I30 and you can drive it
Or buy yourself a car"

Skip this... She's an adult. Let her figure it out. You've told her that the lease is running out, you are taking back the other vehicle. What she does is up to her. Not your job to give her options...


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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Still breathing and confused
#103: December 06, 2021, 01:16:19 AM
Dil 1just spat  it.
I'm done dealing with this crapfest.

I can't keep everyone happy.

Least of all myself.

I want her to drop out of my life.
This alien is just toxic to the whole family.

Yet wants to play happy families with the grandkids.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

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Still breathing and confused
#104: December 06, 2021, 01:53:21 AM
Well, you have set your boundaries and are holding them... Your kids, since they are legally adults, have to do the same with the Bug in the Edgar Suit formerly known as "mom."

And, those are consequences that she will have to deal with... Her choices = her consequences....
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

P
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Still breathing and confused
#105: December 06, 2021, 03:17:00 AM
So mate she was staying with said to her to come home and work it out....a couple of months ago...

Her response " I'm working on myself".
Typical MLC response.

She has got nastier and more distant since.

He has said last time he helps out friends as he now knows he got played and burnt.

Sad but I called it.

DIL 1 and s19 moved out tonight.
Said to son I'm sorry you feel you had to.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said we will be back.

"My door is always open you mate I love you"

W said to DIL 2  "I'm sorry for the tension I've created in the house"
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« Last Edit: December 06, 2021, 03:40:24 AM by Pacman »
"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

K
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Still breathing and confused
#106: December 06, 2021, 03:39:01 AM
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Skip this... She's an adult. Let her figure it out. You've told her that the lease is running out, you are taking back the other vehicle. What she does is up to her. Not your job to give her options...

Absolutely spot on. Not your circus. You don’t have to save her. That’s what husbands do, not left behind spouses. Have a read of “No More Mr Nice Guy”

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So mate she was staying with said to her to come home and work it out....her response " I'm working on myself".
Typical MLC response.

He has said last time he helps out friends as he now knows he got played and burnt.

Sad but I called it.

Why you getting involved in this stuff? Why you talking to someone she lives with about what she is doing or saying. If you keep touching fire, you’ll keep getting burned. Walk the other way.

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DIL 1 and s19 moved out tonight.
Said to son I'm sorry you feel you had to.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said we will be back.

"My door is always open you mate I love you:"

Perfect thing to say. Well done PacMan.

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I'm done dealing with this crapfest.

I can't keep everyone happy.

Least of all myself.

Well then just stop dealing with it. You have too many balls to juggle. The absolute best thing you can do for your family is focus on PacMan being calm, stable, fit, healthy. You MUST put yourself first. Healthy eating, LOTS of exercise, IC. You can’t save the world on your own.

You’re absolutely right - you CAN’T keep everyone happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. And you MLC freak show will never be made happy by anyone. Perhaps it’s time you stopped trying?

What I do disagree with is you saying you can’t even keep yourself happy. You absolutely can, and surprisingly, that’s your ticket out of here. It’s not only possible - it’s MANDATORY if you want to climb out of this $h!te sandwich you’ve been delivered.

They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and hoping to get a different result. You’ve tried to nice her back for so long, you’ve tried to save your entire family from itself, you’ve placed everyone else’s needs first.

Don’t you think maybe it’s time to try something else (putting PacMan first)? Because what you’ve been trying sure isn’t working.
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Still breathing and confused
#107: December 06, 2021, 04:21:42 AM
W said to DIL 2  "I'm sorry for the tension I've created in the house"



Sorry means nothing if the behaviour does not change.....
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Me - 58, xW - 51
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 11
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

P
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  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Male
Still breathing and confused
#108: December 06, 2021, 02:57:45 PM
Quote
Skip this... She's an adult. Let her figure it out. You've told her that the lease is running out, you are taking back the other vehicle. What she does is up to her. Not your job to give her options...

Absolutely spot on. Not your circus. You don’t have to save her. That’s what husbands do, not left behind spouses. Have a read of “No More Mr Nice Guy”

Quote
So mate she was staying with said to her to come home and work it out....her response " I'm working on myself".
Typical MLC response.

He has said last time he helps out friends as he now knows he got played and burnt.

Sad but I called it.

Why you getting involved in this stuff? Why you talking to someone she lives with about what she is doing or saying. If you keep touching fire, you’ll keep getting burned. Walk the other way.

It was just a general conversation between the 2 of us. I'm talking to him to rebuild our friendship as we were great friends before this happened.
I did not ask for any information at all.
Quote
DIL 1 and s19 moved out tonight.
Said to son I'm sorry you feel you had to.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said we will be back.

"My door is always open you mate I love you:"

Perfect thing to say. Well done PacMan.
Thanks you but its true. Can't shut the door on my sons no matter what.
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I'm done dealing with this crapfest.

I can't keep everyone happy.

Least of all myself.

Well then just stop dealing with it. You have too many balls to juggle. The absolute best thing you can do for your family is focus on PacMan being calm, stable, fit, healthy. You MUST put yourself first. Healthy eating, LOTS of exercise, IC. You can’t save the world on your own.

You’re absolutely right - you CAN’T keep everyone happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. And you MLC freak show will never be made happy by anyone. Perhaps it’s time you stopped trying?

What I do disagree with is you saying you can’t even keep yourself happy. You absolutely can, and surprisingly, that’s your ticket out of here. It’s not only possible - it’s MANDATORY if you want to climb out of this $h!te sandwich you’ve been delivered.

They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and hoping to get a different result. You’ve tried to nice her back for so long, you’ve tried to save your entire family from itself, you’ve placed everyone else’s needs first.

Don’t you think maybe it’s time to try something else (putting PacMan first)? Because what you’ve been trying sure isn’t working.

I don't feel that I am trying to nice her at all. Nor beg plead or any of that other stuff.
Am continuing my IC weekly.
And yes I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to my family....always have.
My detachment towards her is increasing slowly......yes I have some days where I fall back but then get right back up and move forward again.
I do not reach out to her and only respond with facts that need to be dealt with (when I'm ready to respond) and ignore anything that I feel is over and above what needs to be discussed.

I definitely believe I have got much better at this last point.

W said to DIL 2  "I'm sorry for the tension I've created in the house"



Sorry means nothing if the behaviour does not change.....
Too true.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

P
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Still breathing and confused
#109: December 08, 2021, 03:19:19 AM
Please tell me that I'm not migrating to those who validate my thoughts and away from those who don't. (Like she has)
I left DB because I felt attacked.
And now my mate has just said he really doesn't give a f**k about my situation because he has his own $h!te to deal with.
We used to be great friends, talk everyday,have lunch but since she has been living there he has gone stone cold.

I know I can't control others but seriously I'd he goes from one extreme to the other. Supports me then blocks me.

I know I can't control others but either back me or don't.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

Im always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

Affair found out April 2021
BD June 23rd 2021
Moved out July 8th 2021(Same day our granddaughter was born)

 

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