[forthetrees]

I live not too far from a park with ringing (singing) rocks. You go with a hammer and walk amongst the boulders. You tap on the boulders and they sing, so it´s not too far fetched:)

You left the apartment as a step towards self-preservation also knowing that you do have an alternate place to live. That is rational behavior.

[UrsaMajor]

The cardinal rule of LBS'dom - Put on your own life jacket first!

You left the flat, as FTT noted, as a step in self-preservation because you had the option to do so... Sounds perfectly reasonable to me....

[Singstein]

The cardinal rule of LBS'dom - Put on your own life jacket first!

You left the flat, as FTT noted, as a step in self-preservation because you had the option to do so... Sounds perfectly reasonable to me....

Thank you so much <3

[KayDee]

I know this may sound harsh, but it is unlikely he is thinking about your actions at the moment. Having taken a sledge hammer to his life, he is likely in high action mode, riding the wave of this energy toward, what Treasur calls, his Magic Happy. This seems to be common in the early days of MLC, the cold behaviours (see the title of my first post  ), the complete disregard of the formerly precious spouse. It is truly bewildering and disorientating (I literally felt like the ground gave way beneath my feet), but if you think about it, it's completely nuts. IMO, it is one of the clearest signs of some sort of breakdown. But he is trying to outrun it and in this state, he has nothing to give you. He cannot support you, even if he wanted to do. Things will change, that is a given, but for now, you must listen to your body. I say body, because this is your emergency survival (fight, flight etc) reaction. It is probably you most reliable friend at the moment, so keep listening to it. Your body says 'get distance' and you did that, and it is likely what you need most at the moment. A safe space to breath. Try to trust yourself, your instincts seem pretty good. And, as others have said, you may want to lean in (on) some close friends and family for a while. You'll be surprised of the love that comes back when you ask for some help.

[Singstein]

I know this may sound harsh, but it is unlikely he is thinking about your actions at the moment. Having taken a sledge hammer to his life, he is likely in high action mode, riding the wave of this energy toward, what Treasur calls, his Magic Happy. This seems to be common in the early days of MLC, the cold behaviours (see the title of my first post  ), the complete disregard of the formerly precious spouse. It is truly bewildering and disorientating (I literally felt like the ground gave way beneath my feet), but if you think about it, it's completely nuts. IMO, it is one of the clearest signs of some sort of breakdown. But he is trying to outrun it and in this state, he has nothing to give you. He cannot support you, even if he wanted to do. Things will change, that is a given, but for now, you must listen to your body. I say body, because this is your emergency survival (fight, flight etc) reaction. It is probably you most reliable friend at the moment, so keep listening to it. Your body says 'get distance' and you did that, and it is likely what you need most at the moment. A safe space to breath. Try to trust yourself, your instincts seem pretty good. And, as others have said, you may want to lean in (on) some close friends and family for a while. You'll be surprised of the love that comes back when you ask for some help.

Yes; you are right. And I totally agree with you; he doesn’t look at my actions anyway but is probably happy I am out of the way so he can concentrate on his future plans. „ truly bewildering and disorientating“ is a really good way of putting it. I also felt like I was suddenly falling in endless depths. The time at the psychiatric ward was really good, because it was a totally new environment and I met so many new nice people, made new friendships and was able to focus mostly on me. Tomorrow I will be released and I hope it all works out without having a total breakdown again. I am always glad if I make one day without sobbing uncontrollably. My husbands brother is really nice, texting me, wants to help me, as he doesn’t understand his brothers behavior. Same with his sister. He doesn’t seem to care about them right now either. We are all confused but I told them about the possibility of MLC and how it works. His sister immediately said „oh no, I hope I don’t get one later in life!!“  so cute; she is in her 20s right now.

[Treasur]

I agree with the others that there is something very constructive about choosing to move away from something that your instincts tell you would currently be harmful to your wellbeing. We are not always in a position where we can do that in the way we wish, but you were and you did. Well done.

By all means, accept the loving support of your h’s family but with caution. Not bc they are bad people or responsible for your h’s behaviour any more than you are. But bc they are bewildered and distressed too and may look to you for answers that you don’t have and that are not your job to come up with. Or they may inadvertently (or intentionally) act as a connection or conduit to your h that might feel good but not necessarily be helping your own desire to detach more and do what you need to do for you.

I would also suggest this is a time to choose the bird in the hand every time over the possible two birds in a future bush  ….to choose your mental and practical wellbeing over any unknown future reconciliation. To focus on the right here and right now as much as you can. And to be open-minded tbh that how you feel today - and what you need - may not be how you will always feel, which includes your attitude to reconciliation. Which is ok too.

[Singstein]

I agree with the others that there is something very constructive about choosing to move away from something that your instincts tell you would currently be harmful to your wellbeing. We are not always in a position where we can do that in the way we wish, but you were and you did. Well done.

By all means, accept the loving support of your h’s family but with caution. Not bc they are bad people or responsible for your h’s behaviour any more than you are. But bc they are bewildered and distressed too and may look to you for answers that you don’t have and that are not your job to come up with. Or they may inadvertently (or intentionally) act as a connection or conduit to your h that might feel good but not necessarily be helping your own desire to detach more and do what you need to do for you.

I would also suggest this is a time to choose the bird in the hand every time over the possible two birds in a future bush  ….to choose your mental and practical wellbeing over any unknown future reconciliation. To focus on the right here and right now as much as you can. And to be open-minded tbh that how you feel today - and what you need - may not be how you will always feel, which includes your attitude to reconciliation. Which is ok too.

Thank you. I am sure the contact to his siblings will reduce itself over time, which is totally fine with me. Right now they don’t have contact with him, so I am not in fear I will hear any new things that bother me; but if this changes I will tell them I can’t have close contact anymore. (Did this when a former relationship ended - not MLC, normal breakup - and I noticed it doesn’t help me get over it; I also am not the type of person that contacts the Ex out of sentimental feelings or panic, although I might want to; I just KNOW it doesn’t help at all.)

I try not to think about the whole moving with all furniture and giving up the apartment yet too much, it makes me anxious how much work that will be, but one day at a time. I wait till he tells me he really wants to separate and move out, which I expect to happen some day in the next weeks/months. I am afraid of this, but mentally kind of prepared I hope. I know right know I would like to reconcile, but doubt the possibility anyway.

[One day at a time]

I understand the wondering about "should I have left the apartment or not?"

In my situation, I asked my xH to move out about a month and a half after he declared he was done with the marriage.
I spent months wondering if I had done the right thing. If I was upsetting any chances of reconciliation, etc.. but the truth of it was that I simply couldn't spend any more time in a house with someone who looked like my H at the time and yet acted the way he did. I know several LBSs were able to do that for a long time but it wasn't my case, the damage to me as a person was too big and I decided to put myself first.  You literally got your life blown up by the person who you probably trusted the most. It's a very traumatic life event and you are having to endure that shortly after losing your dad. I think you were very wise to look after your own mental health.

My xH moved abroad a few months after we separated and as hard as that was to swallow at the time, the lack of contact helped me to step away from the MLC rollercoaster and eventually rebuild my life. I also had to live alone when he moved out. I'm not going to lie, it was overwhelming and lonely at the beginning, I had never lived alone before either. But things got easier as time went by. It's all very recent and raw for you now but things will get better. You will see many threads here and, unfortunately, most are stories of how LBSs rebuilt after the MLC bombs and not so many reconciliations. But if those threads tell you something, it's that there is life after this. Even if it feels quite hard to imagine right now.

[Singstein]

I understand the wondering about "should I have left the apartment or not?"

In my situation, I asked my xH to move out about a month and a half after he declared he was done with the marriage.
I spent months wondering if I had done the right thing. If I was upsetting any chances of reconciliation, etc.. but the truth of it was that I simply couldn't spend any more time in a house with someone who looked like my H at the time and yet acted the way he did. I know several LBSs were able to do that for a long time but it wasn't my case, the damage to me as a person was too big and I decided to put myself first.  You literally got your life blown up by the person who you probably trusted the most. It's a very traumatic life event and you are having to endure that shortly after losing your dad. I think you were very wise to look after your own mental health.

My xH moved abroad a few months after we separated and as hard as that was to swallow at the time, the lack of contact helped me to step away from the MLC rollercoaster and eventually rebuild my life. I also had to live alone when he moved out. I'm not going to lie, it was overwhelming and lonely at the beginning, I had never lived alone before either. But things got easier as time went by. It's all very recent and raw for you now but things will get better. You will see many threads here and, unfortunately, most are stories of how LBSs rebuilt after the MLC bombs and not so many reconciliations. But if those threads tell you something, it's that there is life after this. Even if it feels quite hard to imagine right now.

Thank you <3 it’s good to her your story and you are absolutely right. I also think it will get easier after we really are separated (bc I know he will) and he moves abroad. I wish we hadn’t married, it would all be easier, especially bc it’s so humiliating being divorced after 1,5 years, but I tell myself I can’t change it.
My first ever breakup with my first long relationship was totally normal but really painful. I remember thinking it will never end but it did and I found love again; so I try to remind myself that everything will pass, even if it’s more traumatic this time and 100 times more painful.

[Singstein]

Today I will leave the hospital. I am nervous about it. It was like a safe space for me; different environment, nice people, help, distraction. I am afraid all will be overwhelming after being in kind of my old life again.. tomorrow I will go to the apartment again to get some of my stuff and take one of the people I met here (kind of an adopted little brother after those four weeks  ) with me as support. I don’t know if my H will be there or maybe an OW with him; you never know.. Taking the train to my fathers house/different city on Sunday. No news from my H at all. Feels like he already totally erased my existence in his head, but I guess better than monstering…