[Akkie1973]

My daughter is depressed bc of her father’s affaire. He moved out in January 2023. In April my daughter became depressed. Didn’t want to go to school anymore. Now she is getting therapy. She hardly comes out of her room, hardly eats, hardly sleeps. She doesn’t want to talk about what she is feeling inside. She told the therapist that she feels bad bc of her father’s behavior. He lived at home for two years while having an active affair. We never talked about it. The kids watched him come and go. It was a very toxic situation. Everyone was tiptoeing around him. For a long time we were afraid that he would leave us. It’s a relief he has gone now. But my daughter got into a depression and it seems it gets worse. How did you help your child?

[Treasur]

Not a parent so my advice is not worth much, but I’m sorry bc this must be a terrible worry for you.

How old is your daughter? How long has she been seeing a therapist? What, if anything, have they advised you to do or not do to help her get her feet back under her?

[Acorn]

Hi Akkie,

First of all, (((((HUGS)))))

It’s one thing for LBS to be faced with the heartache of marriage breakup, it’s quite another to see our beloved children in a dark place.  I can say this from my own experience.

The fact that she is seeing a therapist is positive and I hope you can gently encourage her to continue with her therapy.  I know for a fact that having regular therapies was immensely helpful and comforting to my 3 children (mid teen to early 20’s at BD).  They still check in with their therapists every 6 months.

I need to add that their situational depression and anxiety solely came from H’s total emotional abandonment of them — we were not aware of his affair. The fact that your family was aware of his affair for 2 years he was still living at home must have felt excruciatingly painful and added another layer of trauma.  I’m so sorry….

As you know well that you cannot fix another person but you can be there for them 24/7 with unconditional love and a willing ear. If I may share,  in my personal experience, unconditional love necessarily includes patience, understanding, respect for inalienable dignity of all human being, and unambiguous boundaries — quite similar to how we would treat our wayward spouses. 

I wish you and your daughter speedy healing. 

Again, (((((HUGS))))))

[Akkie1973]

Not a parent so my advice is not worth much, but I’m sorry bc this must be a terrible worry for you.

How old is your daughter? How long has she been seeing a therapist? What, if anything, have they advised you to do or not do to help her get her feet back under her?

She is 14 yo. Last Tuesday she got her first therapy session. She gets psychomotor therapy. Two days later we had a talking session with two other therapists. She hardly said a thing bc she can’t. Family therapy isn’t an option bc she doesn’t want to talk. And it’s not me who  she has a problem with. That’s her father. And she is not ready to talk about it with him.  Neither is he, but that is not a big surprise.

She can’t go to school.  She didn’t go to school now for a few months. Recently she asked her father to give her some money. She is convinced that he spends more money on her brother than on her, which is true, sadly. But he refused at first and when she asked him why do give money to my brother and not to me he said bc your brother goes to school…That was a punch in the face. I called him out on that and told him he can’t say those things bc he makes it worse. We are her parents and we have to protect her. After that he gave her a small amount of money. Childish!

[Akkie1973]

Hi Akkie,

First of all, (((((HUGS)))))

It’s one thing for LBS to be faced with the heartache of marriage breakup, it’s quite another to see our beloved children in a dark place.  I can say this from my own experience.

The fact that she is seeing a therapist is positive and I hope you can gently encourage her to continue with her therapy.  I know for a fact that having regular therapies was immensely helpful and comforting to my 3 children (mid teen to early 20’s at BD).  They still check in with their therapists every 6 months.

I need to add that their situational depression and anxiety solely came from H’s total emotional abandonment of them — we were not aware of his affair. The fact that your family was aware of his affair for 2 years he was still living at home must have felt excruciatingly painful and added another layer of trauma.  I’m so sorry….

As you know well that you cannot fix another person but you can be there for them 24/7 with unconditional love and a willing ear. If I may share,  in my personal experience, unconditional love necessarily includes patience, understanding, respect for inalienable dignity of all human being, and unambiguous boundaries — quite similar to how we would treat our wayward spouses. 

I wish you and your daughter speedy healing. 

Again, (((((HUGS))))))

Thank you for your advice!

[forthetrees]

If you have an equine therapy program near you it may do wonders. It opens the door for your daughter to speak her trauma and yes, it may be to the horse, but it is a first step of letting it out. Even without an official program, if there is a barn near you that offers access to horses, either as a job helping out or helping out in exchange for lessons, it could be a path forward.