[Treasur]

We often talk here about not believing what they say…..yet balancing that with the practical quacks like a duck principle. For a while, that’s a really weird thing to balance. Not believing what they say bc well, they lie a lot, and bc they avoid responsibility by blaming you, others, an allergy to cheese, whatever. But also not being in denial about the reality of what their feet are actually showing us. Be kind to yourself….its like mentally wrestling with mist, and it takes most of us LBS a little while to find our balance. And work out our own boundaries.

I then asked him how this worked in his head, whether he thought this was acceptable somehow to start a relationship with someone else and still continue family life like before and spending time with me as well. I'm not sure that was a good thing to ask, but his answer was that he does sometimes wonder why he doesn't find this a weird situation, but he just doesn't.

And I would take that as the current truth at face value.
This is ok with him. Or ok enough. How do you know? Bc you watch his feet, his actions.
And that tells you what you should expect of him.

But it also gives you the opportunity, seeing what is self evidently ok to him, to decide what is ok to you. Or not. And to do so without giving much thought as to how he feels about what is ok or not ok to you as a way to live. Just as tbh he is not giving much thought to how you feel, right?

It’s ok - and normal - that you feel your head is all over the place.
And that you are, even if just a little bit, trying to resolve that confusion by asking him questions or to propose solutions. But that’s a metaphorical dry well. Or tbh he is already telling you his proposal….which is essentially whatever feels easiest or most comfortable for him.
And he chose to find an apartment that is not set up to accommodate his kids if that is the case….bc, well, that’s probably not his agenda or its purpose, is it? Sorry, but that’s a quacks like a duck thing to me.

You have the right - and tbh the understandable need - to decide what works for you and what doesn’t. If that means no more collective family time, so be it. If that means something more formal that looks like a visitation schedule when he has to find somewhere to take his kids that is not your home, so be it. That’s an entirely predictable effect of a man putting his family on a metaphorical shelf to ‘find himself’  that’s what real life looks like when you decide to end your current marriage and family life as it was.

And as you work out what you are prepared to offer and what is acceptable or not, you will probably find that you have to challenge some of your own beliefs and expectations of him. That can be a painful thing, particularly when kids are involved, and it’s pretty normal that we LBS don’t want to see what is in front of our nose bc we so want it not to be how it is. Be kind to yourself about that….and keep trying to see through the mist of MLC nonsense anyway. Does your h look like a man trying to dig himself out of his own deep hole? Or does he look like a man hurtling towards a new magic happy fix who wants to have a vacation from family life and adulting when and how he wants? Or does he look like a man who wants to keep a foot in both camps? Or postpone the predictable consequences that tend to come with ending your marriage?

And, given how it seems to you, what are you prepared to offer? Or to get your kids to offer? How much of this reality can you honestly protect either you or the kids from? And at what cost? Bc, remember, as the quote said, he is ok with this. And the only person who knows what you are ok with is you.

[KeepCalmAndCarryOn]

It's been a while since I've posted, life has been busy lately, but in a good way I went to dinner with an old friend that I hadn't seen since the covid lockdowns and enjoyed myself a lot. He offered to do that again anytime I need to get away from my current situation. I also joined a board game night with colleagues, and spent most of last week doing fun stuff with the kids during their school holiday. I didn't see H much in the past two weeks, and really enjoyed myself. I felt so much lighter and happier! I do wonder if in part that's just because I kept myself so busy that I didn't have to think about the situation, but I think that's fine, I'll take any happy moment I can find right now.

and keep trying to see through the mist of MLC nonsense anyway. Does your h look like a man trying to dig himself out of his own deep hole? Or does he look like a man hurtling towards a new magic happy fix who wants to have a vacation from family life and adulting when and how he wants? Or does he look like a man who wants to keep a foot in both camps? Or postpone the predictable consequences that tend to come with ending your marriage?

I've been trying to figure this out, but I'm still failing. It seems to me that he is doing all of those things at the same time. He is looking for his magic happy fix by moving out and starting an EA with his co-worker (I don't think it's gone beyong that still, but who knows), he's trying to dig himself out of his hole by reading self help books, whether they work I don't know. He says he'll also find a therapist to work through childhood issues, but whether he actually does remains to be seen. He definitely wants a vacation from family life and still keep a foot in both camps, although he seems to accept that the latter is not happening. So, I really have no clue what to make of it, and I should probably just give up trying to figure it out.

After I told him I didn't feel like playing happy family, he's mostly been avoiding me. Although I didn't mind that too much (it does give some peace), I did tell him a few days ago that he doesn't need to do that. There's a difference between not wanting to play happy family on fun outings and not wanting to see him at all even if he is at home. I do worry though that I'm already letting go of this boundary a bit. When I go somewhere with the kids, it just feels so natural to ask him along if he's also at home... I really have to remind myself of the current situation so that I don't do this, it's still so easy to forget since he's acting so "normal" most of the time.

He will get his apartment this Friday, and I've tried to discuss with him what kind of schedule we will have regarding the kids for the coming time. He then actually made several schedules with a 50/50 division, I was surprised he went that effort. I then asked him whether 50/50 was really what he wanted, since in the beginning the was quite clear that it was not more than 50%, and mentioned that I wouldn't mind having the kids more often. He then suggested a bi-weekly schedule of 5 days him / 9 days me, which I think is fine to start with. He then went rambling on that eventually, in a year or 3, he probably wants 50-50, "because that's how it usually goes, and the kids are 50% his", but for now he actually preferred having the extra time to himself. I again asked him whether that was what he actually wanted, or just what he thought he was supposed to do, he wasn't sure. I guess we'll see in time.
He told the kids this evening that he will have his apartment on Friday, and kept very vague how often he would be away. Again they didn't respond much straight away, but D7 came down after she went to bed to ask when this was happening exactly and how often he would go there, etc. H seemed surprised that she wanted to know beforehand when he would be here and when not.

I'm not sure how I feel about the coming time.. I'm looking forward to not having him around all the time, and at the same time I'm anxious to see what this change will bring; what it will do with the kids, what it will do with him and his relationship with the kids... Guess I'm still not detached enough, huh. But at least it will bring some peace for me and make it easier to move forward (I think).
I also decided I will start to work on actually sorting things out, at least things regarding the kids and getting the house on my name if possible. I realized that the longer I wait with that, the more difficult it will probably be. Not only because my H might become less agreeable, but also because housing prices are rising rapidly here I think it's time to face the truth and make sure the things I care about are sorted out. The rest he can sort out whenever he wants.

[KeepCalmAndCarryOn]

I've been looking more seriously at what I can do to keep the house. It's not looking great, but I may be able to pull it off. The house doubled in price since we bought it, and we own it together currently. So me buying him out would mean I need to pay him half the price increase somehow. The initial estimate of my financial advisor is that the bank will allow me to increase the mortgage for this, but it will only get me about 2/3 of the way. I'm looking at ways to fill the gap, but H actually offered to go below the minimum selling price if I don't manage. For tax purposes that would be seen as a gift to me, so he would need to pay taxes over that amount. It sure why he would agree to that, but I hope he will actually keep word on it, should it come to that. At least it's giving me the confidence that I should be able to keep the house.
Having to sell our house would be devastating for me. It's the house our kids grew up in so far, and it's full of great memories. There's an apple tree growing in our garden that has grown from an apple that S9 ate as a toddler, wall paintings I did with D7 when her little brother was born, a wall with stripes where we measure the height of our kids every year.... having to lose all that would be another big blow to take.

H is moving out to his own apartment today, but he'll still be around quite a bit the coming time. We've agreed to move to the suggested 5 days / 9 days schedule slowly over the next 3 weeks, so it's less of a shock to the kids hopefully. You'd think he would be happy now he finally has his own place, but he doesn't look happy at all. If anything, he's getting more grumpy again.. lot's of staring into nothing pondering, and lashing out at the kids more easily than he has been the past weeks. I suspect he quit smoking again (he started not long after BD, after not smoking for 17 years), and that's why he has a short fuse again.
This morning after I told him about my options to buy him out of the house, he asked me whether I wanted a hug. I was actually fine, so I was about to refuse when I realized maybe he needed a hug himself. Could it be that he is also projecting things like needing a hug onto me? So I gave him the hug, and I asked him how he was doing. He said he didn't know, because he doesn't have feelings at the moment... at least he's aware of that, I guess.