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Our Community / Let’s get this show on the road
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 06:31:27 PM »
Hi MOS,

I just looked back and saw that your BD was Sept 2021..less then two years.

Unfortunately the hurt can last a long time. Not for everyone but it sure did for me.

A great therapist helped me deal with what really is trauma because our whole world has been blown up...and quite honestly, I think infidelity is a deep deep wound that is hard to heal from...and so yes, I still think about my husband many years later. I liked my life, it was "easier" in many ways than now but over time, I accepted that he is not in my life..other than on the edges.

Sitting at the school event amidst families is terribly difficult. No wonder you felt like crying!

Sometimes it is better not to have to see them...but when you have children, that is not always possible.

The hurt they cause our children also makes things worse....trying to comfort the children when our hearts are broken is exhausting.

I wish there was an easy way to forget them, to get to a better place quicker. It happens, but it happens in small steps and when you look back a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago...perhaps you will see that you are moving forward.

I had trouble "feeling "joy". I knew what "joy" was but I could not feel it. Again, the therapist I saw helped me to let go of the physical manifestations and emotional distress that his leaving caused me...and I feel joy and comfort now....it does take a great deal of time.

The biggest thing  for me was acceptance that the man I loved is no more. I cherish the memories I had of our life together and I have built a life that is good for me...I pray that you will find that sooner than later.

Take care.
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Our Community / Re: Let’s get this show on the road
« Latest by forthetrees on Today at 06:26:09 PM »
Sending you a cyber hug and shoulder. The contrast of being in the audience as a supporter of one instead of two would be hard to handle. Treat yourself to a hot bubble bath, some good tunes- maybe honor Tina Turner with a sing along of What´s Love Got to Do With it? But avoid numbing the pain with alcohol or sweets. Tomorrow can you treat yourself to a cup of coffee outside in the sunshine and then a walk with a good friend or your kids in a park? It does get better though I cannot promise you won´t have this cross your mind every day from here on out- it´s just too monumental to fade into oblivion.
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Our Community / Let’s get this show on the road
« Latest by MomOfSteel on Today at 03:26:50 PM »
MadLuv, I don't like who my husband (well, I really should get used to saying exH) is now either.  It makes me question if he was always like this to some degree or it is a new thing.  It really has ruined my whole view of our marriage.  Two of our children had promotion events at their schools in the last couple days.  He missed all three events for our children but made it to the one for the Ow's daughter.  While dropping our daughter off he commented that he thought the promotion events were dumb and not worth taking off work for.  How he can view it that way and not realize that when every other kid has their parents there, it isn't about the event, it's about showing up for your kid, letting them know you support them and are proud of them.  He could tell by the look on my face I wasn't impressed with him and he basically questioned my disagreement.  My kids notice.  It makes me so sad. 

At the one promotion event today, I was alone.  I was sitting there in this sea of families by myself.  It was one of those moments you just can't stop the tears from flowing.  I'm in a state far from family, I've made some friends here but I was alone and was quietly trying to not embarrass myself by crying. It should have been happy, my exH should have been there.  It also marked the end of the last two years that have been a living Hell because of my exH.  Two years that this child struggled and got in trouble, his grades dropped, he lost his confidence and motivation.  It was just a horrible reminder in some ways that we may have survived but we are not yet thriving in this new life.  We all carry the scars of exH's actions in our hearts and minds on a daily basis.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to go even a day without thinking of exH at all.  I still think about him and what he did often.  I don't want to be stuck reliving this for the rest of my life.  How do we heal enough to just move on and not care and not think. 

This load is heavy.  It hurts.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I wish he would leave us alone completely.  His continued presence hurts because he is here, he feels like home and yet he isn't my home anymore.  He chose to burn that to the ground. 
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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 9
« Latest by Nas on Today at 12:27:33 PM »
Good basic information on hypervigilance.
(I have wondered at times if some MLCer's behavior is sometimes hypervigilance. Even people - myself included - who haven't seemed to lived their entire adult lives being obviously/constantly hypervigilant can be triggered to become more so in the 'right' circumstances.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202105/are-you-hypervigilant

Enjoy:
https://youtu.be/Hu0-4XCT3H4
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Our Community / Help Please
« Latest by WHY on Today at 12:27:29 PM »
Fight for your kids, HARD.  That way they'll always be able to look back and know their dad wanted them and did everything possible to be with them, no matter what the outcome. 

Kids need both their parents, period. 
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Our Community / Help Please
« Latest by Biscuit on Today at 07:30:24 AM »
Like UM I insisted on a 50/50 split, despite my W trying to force me into every other weekend (because kids need their mum more than their dad - go figure that in 2023). I put my foot down and that's what we do. This is despite me working long hours in a very demanding industry. I just make it work.

Recently I asked w if she might take up a bit of the slack when a job takes me away from home, she wasn't happy at all as I suppose that would curtail some of her time with OM. I'm not sure what will happen there as the job isn't until later in the year.

It's really really bloody tough being a decent parent as your world crumbles around you. My admiration for those on HS (and in RL) who manage it well is great. I've been guilty of not being totally 'there' for my kids because I was in a huge LBS shaped hole. I'm getting better at it, and W has slowly over the last couple of months seemed to be more present for our kids.  It's not an easy ride Help, but you'll make it....
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Our Community / Help Please
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 06:38:34 AM »
It takes lots of thinking outside the box to come up with a plan that works. A caution is that once custody is decided, it is sometimes difficult to change that later on.

When my brother and sister in law divorced, they sold their house and each bought a town house on the same street, in the same neighborhood as their marital home. At the time, I thought that was  strange but for the kids it worked out really well. They stayed in their same school and activities that they had been attending and the custody was one week with mom, one with dad. They could also drop in to the other parent at any time.

It's so hard since we have our own pain to deal with. Even though my daughter was an adult when this happened, it still shook her world. If possible, although it can be hard, being able to work for what is best for the kiddos is important.

UM, I am sorry that your kids are not willing to be with you more, but you are wise to understand that as teenagers, their friends and activities take priority.
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Assets are just assets. The changing of money into something else. If she was doing a 30 year, then that would be a problem but it's nothing like that. I wouldn't be on board for something like that because time can't be replaced, but money can.

Are you willing/capable of paying off the full value of the loan in the event she does a runner? Do you have any way of recovering your investment? Do you have the time/ability to (for example)  sell the flat on your own if needed?
Since MLC'ers are concerned about the future (or at least mine is), then in order to proceed the concern has to be satisfied.
It's all just theory, but I believe that as they progress the MLC'er begins to exist in two times: the present and the past. At least that's what I see. It would suggest that both are linked: movement in the past moves them forward in the present and vise-versa. Could be wrong, she could run away at any time.  :) I think the question (at least in the case of a female MLC'er) is value, need, desire and time. What place is she in here in the present? What time is she in, back in the past. How do the two match up?

What does green taste like?

<...snip...>
As a matter of fact, last night she opened up and let me know that the 1st half of her life is over and with the second half (or what's left of life) she wants to share what the 1st half has taught her. That's very positive. Very positive. Who doesn't go thru this in one form or another at this age?

Nearly everyone goes through this in some form but most do not choose to blow up their entire lives, their jobs, their families when it happens.

That brings in the question of where the MLC'er connects to the spouse again (or chooses them once again), which is not clear except that it is last. That would mean everything else has to be transversed 1st. If they don't, then how does the end choice/reconnection happen? Probably doesn't.
Exactly correct and there is NOTHING that the LBS can do to influence the duration or mode of this transversal

I'm seeing the rebirth of a person. Sure looks a lot like the old one, but a bit different. She still has to choose, and so do I. Whatever is chosen, this person is going to be healed and that is priceless. I believe most of her trauma is healed now - something that couldn't be overcome before.

I'd love to be able to look into the crystal ball that you are using and tell the future with such certainty.

How normal would it be to try and secure the future when the prior future is undeserved?

Part of the shame/guilt issues that the MLC'er has to work through before real closure can take place. Some can do it, some can't

We already know MLC'ers give up because they believe the way back is gone.
Uhmmmmmm ... Who is "we" and how do "we" know this?  For the majority of the LBS's here, we have NO clue why our Mid-Lifers gave up as they have not chosen to reveal that to us nor have we been granted divine powers to read their minds. There may, indeed, be some that have decided that the way back is gone but that, to me, usually means that they were not invested enough (or healed enough) to make the effort

I will coax her forward with influence, while I run forward on my own..... "Catch me, this way, you can do it".
Love and lead.
And this is where it all falls apart. If you are exerting influence, the Mid-Lifer is not healing on their own. They are not doing the work that they need to do. They are being led like a child down a path of someone else's choosing and, at some point, will usually rebel again because they will not have actually gone through the steps on their own. They will not have really "grown." The LBS has about the same ability to "influence" the overall course of their MLC as they do to change the path of a tornado by going outside, standing in front of it, waving their arms and yelling really loud.  They may exert influence temporarily but in the end, it is the Mid-Lifer that has to figure out what it is they are lacking and do the hard work to provide that internally for themselves because, no matter how secure one's future is, no matter how many admirers one has, no matter how many apartments or condos or whatever else that provides them with their external dopamine rush they have, the core being is where the work lies.

I wish you all the best in your path and I really hope that I am wrong in your case.....
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Our Community / Help Please
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:21:17 AM »
While I can't claim to be a managing partner in anything, I am a Ground Operations Engineer for the European Space Agency (The European NASA) and am routinely involved in the launch and early orbiting of European satellites, which meant that I have to work shifts at times (12 on, 12 off) and often have VERY unsocial working hours (in a couple of weeks we kick off a pre-launch campaign and my day starts at 03:15 and runs until 20:30 that night). I was still able to get a 50/50 split with the express understanding that there needed to be some flexibility due to my job. My D was 4 and S was 8 at the time. It worked fine but I was adamant that I was NOT going to be relegated to an "every 2nd weekend" father which is what MLCxW wanted... It worked out quite well as my expectations were set out my me very specifically right up front.

Fast forward to now and that is, unfortunately, exactly what it ended up being by wishes of the kids. Their "center of life"(i. e. schools, social center, etc. ) is all based around MLCxW's apartment where they are registered to live. I am only 20 minutes away but, to be blunt, kids, as they migrate towards the teen years often turn into lazy slugs who are more interested in what's in the fridge and who can offer the most fun (sort of like MLC'ers in mini-format - actually, you'll read a LOT of comparisons here between MLC'ers and teens in puberty as that is about how far most Mid-Lifers tend to regress - unfortunately, at the age they do this, they have more financial mobility and independence than a young teen) so they come to me every couple of weekends for "fun dad" time. The real shame is that both of them are now following the unhealthy patterns of MLCxW (depressed, victim, ad nausea) but, unlike her, I am not the reason for it.

I guess, to make a long story short, just because you have a demanding job does NOT mean that you can't be a big part of your kids lives. If you are working 4 of 7 days, then they can be with you those three days/nights.  In your shoes, I'd be going for whatever I could get in terms of time....
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Our Community / Help Please
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 03:34:50 AM »
I am so sorry; nothing feels good about the various avenues that seem available, does it? All you can do is your best of course…..just give yourself time to think it through. And it sounds as if you have a bit more flex now than a few years ago when you were building the practice, so that’s a positive thing.

 Maybe other LBS dads here who also had/have demanding jobs can share their experience or tips?

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